Originally posted: 8.9.07
If I could choose to have any ability in the world, I'm pretty sure I would want to be an artist. After that, I'd like to be creative. You can be able to draw and still have no inspiration.
If I could have a superpower, I think I'd choose healing. Or maybe the ability to give others peaceful, seamless, transitional deaths.
I read on thesmokinggun.com about this guy in Minnesota who beheaded a girl's dog with a chainsaw, then sent her the head in a box. It's stuff like this that makes me fairly homocidal. And, yes, you can submit THIS entry to the cops, once I kill someone for hurting another living creature. Not that I'd deny it. I'm just saying...people wonder why I get so miffed about animal abuse (along with the abuse of others). Well, if you just think about it from the dog's perspective, I'm pretty sure you could see where I'm coming from. I don't know if, when something that traumatic and painful happens, a body just shuts down, so you really wouldn't feel any pain. Or are you awake long enough to feel the most excruciating part, until it just becomes so intense, you just pass out?
I remember watching a guy mow over a cat that was in the middle of the road, in his big-ass truck. I ran after the truck, screaming obscenities and throwing rocks, but he kept driving - OF COURSE. If I was that much of a pussy, I wouldn't have stopped either. But, if I would have made it to him, I'm pretty sure I would have beat him until I killed him.
And of course, those jackasses who locked that cat in a cage, poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire...oh, and videotaped the whole thing.
It's so overwhelming sometimes to see how cruel the world can be (really is?).
People like to ignore these things, pretend they don't exist. But they're out there - sick, demented, twisted. And, we let them get away with far too much. Yes, I believe they'll get theirs in the end. But while they're here, I think they should suffer as well. No, it's not for me to judge. But I can't sit by and WATCH these things happen. It's too hard for me, to let the innocent and the quiet suffer.
I don't believe in walking around and beating people up, just for giving me dirty looks. That's retarded. There are those kinds of people who live life looking for a fight - "What are you looking at??? Yeah, that's what I thought!" Jesus - I'm just squinting at the sun - let's bring it down a notch, ok? Of course, these are the soulless bastards who will live the longest on this earth, trashing it, treating it and everyone on it like shit. They also, on average, make the most kids and have the lowest IQ.
I also don't believe in reprieve for others, unless they really mean it. I don't mean scare tactics. I mean, because you're genuinely and legitimately sorry, you will be forgiven. I've done things wrong, and I've made the same mistakes more than once. But because I've admitted to those mistakes, am truly sorry for what they were, and made conscious efforts to not repeat them, I believe that I'm forgiven. As to whether or not I really am remains to be proven.
What about wrongful justification? What if someone does something, and she has it totally worked out in her mind to where all the signs point to "Hey, it's all cool!"? That used to be my biggest problem - MAKING things be ok. "I'm this way, because of this," or "I did this because of this other thing." I've never had a problem admitting to being wrong and apologizing for it. But I did used to try to bend the rules in my favor. Isn't that strange, being able to subsequently point out that kind of crap? It sucks. It sucks, looking back over your life, being able to point out everything you've done wrong, saying, "Crap! What was I thinking??!? Was anyone driving the bus at that point, or was my conscience taking a dump in the bathroom???"
That's why I always try to talk to the kids about dumb things they do or MIGHT do. I mean, that's why any one person tries to head another person off from doing something stupid. We've all learned something from our mistakes in some way or another, and we try to warn others before they make the same stupid mistake. No, we don't always listen. Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself. And, that sucks.
Don't ask me how I got on this topic, sprouting the different legs, that don't make any sense. My brain is a mystery (conundrum? weapon of mass destruction?). It's just been a long time since I've gotten to post (or ever will again, probably). My internet is still down at home, and I work on it every day. Like I said before, I keep typing stuff up in my email, then posting whenever I'm around a non-retarded computer, which is not often.
It's been a fairly quiet week, but this weekend is going to be a disaster, somehow. I don't know how, but I can feel it...coming in the air tonight...oh, no. I'm not going to get to work Saturday night, because the Family Values concert is that day. Then, Heather has invited me to go with them to Six Flags on Sunday. THEN, I have court on Tuesday for my expired court tag - hopefully, they'll throw the ticket out, but I'm sure I'll still have to pay court costs. Somehow, I'm sure it's going to work out to be much cheaper to have paid the ticket in the first place. Or I'll get another ticket on the way to court. Or they'll try to arrest me on some unrelated charge, like posting the word "homocidal" or calling myself a "weapon of mass destruction." If this is a free country, I don't know how well I'd do in a subservient one. I guess we'll see, eventually, huh?
Well, I hope so. I hope that my altruism will win out over my need to save others from being wronged. Otherwise, I'm liable to spend the rest of my life in some scary, gross Thai prison like Claire Danes in Brokedown Palace. I'm already weird about sleeping in other peoples' beds. I'm still hell-bent determined to do something good, though, even if it makes one person's life better for 15 minutes.
That doesn't even make any sense does it?
Oh well. That's what I get for having that random mind. It just floats from subject to subject, with no warning, really.
It's nice to talk about things no one else really gets. It makes you that much less approachable. I like to keep the world at arm's length.
But not always...
*alone*
8.12.2007
STILL NOT DEAD!!!
Current mood: hungry
yes, much to your dismay, i'm still alive.
STILL working like the slave-bitch.
still bending to the will of "the man".
i'm visiting with my fam this weekend, so hopefully i can post a tiny something. but you guys know me - it will be anything but tiny. LOTS going on. LITTLE that's anything but neutral.
will update sooners...&=D
Currently listening : When It Falls
By Zero 7
Release date: 02 March, 2004
yes, much to your dismay, i'm still alive.
STILL working like the slave-bitch.
still bending to the will of "the man".
i'm visiting with my fam this weekend, so hopefully i can post a tiny something. but you guys know me - it will be anything but tiny. LOTS going on. LITTLE that's anything but neutral.
will update sooners...&=D
Currently listening : When It Falls
By Zero 7
Release date: 02 March, 2004
not dead
Originally posted: 8.5.07
No, I'm not dead. But almost. I'm sorry I've been in contact with NO ONE. Going to get 'puter from Heather's tomorrow and set it up at home. Been going non-stop.
Will update, eventually... ?????
No, I'm not dead. But almost. I'm sorry I've been in contact with NO ONE. Going to get 'puter from Heather's tomorrow and set it up at home. Been going non-stop.
Will update, eventually... ?????
7.29.2007
This $30 skirt just paid for itself 7 times
Tonight (or last night), I brought in over $950 at my bar and made over $150 in tips!
Yay, me!!!!
We had over 400 people, and they said the bar should have broken $5000, but we only did right over $4000, I think. We also got slapped with a "serving alcohol to a minor" warning, so we really had to be on the up & up tonight, watching for people with no armbands or X's on their hands. There was this one kid who was underage, who kept coming up & trying to buy, but I kept turning him away. "No" is just about the same in every language, but he didn't seem to understand, no matter what I said. Our boss, Jimmy said next time that happens, call one of our cops over there to make him leave.
Ben & his friends showed up again, which was nice, having some "regulars," because you get used to what they want. I got ANOTHER phone number (not that I'll necessarily use, but all the same, wooo, me!), and they kept saying I was pretty and bonita or whatever. I was just like, "Keep drinking, because I'm just going to look better!" Haha!!! Drunks will say anything for you to give them the hookup! &=D (Which I do NOT do, before you all pile in the car to come get free drinks.)
People tipped a little better tonight (or last night - whatever), but I also felt it necessary to plead my case. I'd pick my empty tip jar up and look through it like a telescope at different people. Thankfully, too, Tara's friends came in, early on in the night and started us off.
It was SOOOOO slow when we first opened, I thought it would NEVER pick up. Then, all of a sudden, she and I are running around like chickens, and running out of stuff left and right. I had to stop selling screwdrivers, because we ran completely out of orange juice. Then people would come up and order random things that we just didn't have. I hate having to tell people no, but I guess bars can stock whatever they want, and we don't stock everything. We have the basic liquor, whiskey, beer, and that's just about it. Plus, I think we totally overcharge for stuff, but they MAKE us do that - to turn a profit, I assume. I get so many confused and disgusted looks when I tell someone it's $9 for a Sex on the Beach, but it's that whole "I'm just doing what they tell me to."
I like it, though, when we stay busy. My side kind of dies down, since I'm away from the dance floor, facing the pool tables, so I always walk over and help Tara - that usually involves cleaning up - emptying and throwing away bottles and cans, wiping down, and picking gum out of ashtrays! - GROSS!!! Every once in a while, I'll get someone trying to order something from me, but we're not supposed to work each other's sides or use each other's drawers, so I try to either tell her, or go get the stuff from my side. It's really a little complicated how that all works. I had no idea. It's definitely been a learning experience, but it's been totally fun.
We were so freaking dead by the time we closed, that our math skillz were totally suffering. I couldn't do math for SHIT when it was time to do my alcohol count and count my drawer. Tara helped me, and every other statement that came out of her mouth was, "where did you get THIS number???" I didn't know, nor did I care. But, we managed to make it out of there right before 6a, which was dramatically better than last week.
I'm so happy to be a pretend-bartender! It's so much fun!!!!! &=)
Oh yeah, I'm moving in today. I didn't get to do anything yesterday; just sign the lease. But today, I'm going to do what I can, without wearing myself out.
Speaking of which, it's 7:19a, and my bed is calling. More soon...
Yay, me!!!!
We had over 400 people, and they said the bar should have broken $5000, but we only did right over $4000, I think. We also got slapped with a "serving alcohol to a minor" warning, so we really had to be on the up & up tonight, watching for people with no armbands or X's on their hands. There was this one kid who was underage, who kept coming up & trying to buy, but I kept turning him away. "No" is just about the same in every language, but he didn't seem to understand, no matter what I said. Our boss, Jimmy said next time that happens, call one of our cops over there to make him leave.
Ben & his friends showed up again, which was nice, having some "regulars," because you get used to what they want. I got ANOTHER phone number (not that I'll necessarily use, but all the same, wooo, me!), and they kept saying I was pretty and bonita or whatever. I was just like, "Keep drinking, because I'm just going to look better!" Haha!!! Drunks will say anything for you to give them the hookup! &=D (Which I do NOT do, before you all pile in the car to come get free drinks.)
People tipped a little better tonight (or last night - whatever), but I also felt it necessary to plead my case. I'd pick my empty tip jar up and look through it like a telescope at different people. Thankfully, too, Tara's friends came in, early on in the night and started us off.
It was SOOOOO slow when we first opened, I thought it would NEVER pick up. Then, all of a sudden, she and I are running around like chickens, and running out of stuff left and right. I had to stop selling screwdrivers, because we ran completely out of orange juice. Then people would come up and order random things that we just didn't have. I hate having to tell people no, but I guess bars can stock whatever they want, and we don't stock everything. We have the basic liquor, whiskey, beer, and that's just about it. Plus, I think we totally overcharge for stuff, but they MAKE us do that - to turn a profit, I assume. I get so many confused and disgusted looks when I tell someone it's $9 for a Sex on the Beach, but it's that whole "I'm just doing what they tell me to."
I like it, though, when we stay busy. My side kind of dies down, since I'm away from the dance floor, facing the pool tables, so I always walk over and help Tara - that usually involves cleaning up - emptying and throwing away bottles and cans, wiping down, and picking gum out of ashtrays! - GROSS!!! Every once in a while, I'll get someone trying to order something from me, but we're not supposed to work each other's sides or use each other's drawers, so I try to either tell her, or go get the stuff from my side. It's really a little complicated how that all works. I had no idea. It's definitely been a learning experience, but it's been totally fun.
We were so freaking dead by the time we closed, that our math skillz were totally suffering. I couldn't do math for SHIT when it was time to do my alcohol count and count my drawer. Tara helped me, and every other statement that came out of her mouth was, "where did you get THIS number???" I didn't know, nor did I care. But, we managed to make it out of there right before 6a, which was dramatically better than last week.
I'm so happy to be a pretend-bartender! It's so much fun!!!!! &=)
Oh yeah, I'm moving in today. I didn't get to do anything yesterday; just sign the lease. But today, I'm going to do what I can, without wearing myself out.
Speaking of which, it's 7:19a, and my bed is calling. More soon...
7.28.2007
enough with the updates
originally posted: 7.27.07
I just got back from lunch, and I'm having to update my blog THROUGH MY EMAIL, because for some reason, they've blocked blogger and numerous other sites at my work.
It's shit like this that makes me hate this place.
I talked to Sean a few days ago, though, and he said they've done the same thing at his work recently, too. I don't know what that means. Conspiratorial behavior is what it sounds like to me. Some kind of government shit, no doubt. Heather had an American flag sitting on her countertop the other day, that I had to move to make a sandwich, and I accidentally dropped it on the floor. I told her that if the feds showed up, I'd try to go quietly. Apparently it would be better to drop tomato on the flag, rather than push it to the side for sanitary reasons.
Whatever.
I'm a second generation hippie, so I'm allowed to say these things.
Anyway, things are ok. I'm all moved in to Heather's downstairs...again. I know, I know, but everything is still in the smack-dab middle of transition. Every bit of the crap that I own is stuffed, somehow, into her downstairs playroom. I have a fit every time one of the cats tries to make a scratching post out of my $3000 mattress.
What else? Oh, I'm sick as a dog. Thank God for my surgeon from yesterday, though (no names, just in case). While I was down in surgery, I heard it was his birthday, so I went up to him and said, "Happy birthday - write me an antibiotic." It started as stuffy/runny nose (how can it be both?), then just rapidly spread all through my head. It's in my throat, both my ears, headache, watery eyes, green, and my voice keeps going in and out. I know it's all because of last week, getting little sleep, stress, moving, passing out, the heat, etc. But he hooked me up with amoxicillin, and I'm already feeling the tiniest bit better. I have to stay drugged up on the OTC stuff, because I can't be running through the OR, blowing my nose and touching stuff and breathing on patients. I just hope I'll be ok for this Saturday night.
Which reminds me - I need to go get a bar bible and some No-Doz, or something to keep me going. I hope it's a little busier. I'm trying to spread the word, but then again, I don't want people to show up, just so I can make a serious ass of myself. I just want your money. &=) Just kidding. But not really.
The girl who hooked me up with the job was attacked by her soon-to-be ex-husband a couple of days ago, so I'm really worried about her. I told her that I know people think I'm crazy for always carrying a knife, but I am, and there are reasons for it. Other people give me those reasons. He spent most of the night up there last Saturday on her side of the bar, just sitting and watching. I know break-ups are hard, but come on. I have to say, I managed to stave off the stalker in me when I went through break-ups. It's hard - I KNOW. I think everyone knows what it feels like to have your heart smashed into a million tiny pieces and then crapped on, only for it to sit out in the baking hot sun for weeks, until it dries up, turns into a white, ashy, abstruse, undecipherable material and blows away. I got all that. Hell, I tried to make myself jump off the 280 bridge once. I know what pain is.
So, I'm probably going to be a little edgy on Saturday - best not to sneak up on me.
Ohhhhh, what else? Oh yeah, I paid my moneys, and I'm all set to start moving in to my new place in Southside on Saturday. I'm going to try to take as much as I possibly can, but like I've said before, I'm just going to move the bare essentials (bed, bathroom stuff, computer) until I can afford to hire some guys - or buy some new friends - to move the rest. I'm really looking forward to this. Or, rather, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!! I am. I love Heather, but I can't find ANYTHING I own right now. &=D I'm sure people are starting to wonder about the smell and why I keep wearing the same clothes. It's still going to take me some time to get some money saved up, to start paying off bills, THEN be able to buy the things I want (new cam is priority). I hate that I have this stuff so well-organized in my head sometimes. There are days that I break down and buy something I don't need - like a Wii game, when I don't own a Wii.
You know what I'm saying. It's like being on a money diet. Except that I don't eat money. I ate a marble one time, but it came out in my poop. I don't know if money will do that. I can't even stand the SMELL of money, much less to touch it. &=P Yet, I can never have enough.
Lemme think...I think that's it. I'm only about 15 chapters through HP&TDH, but I'm really trying to savor this one my first time through. I don't read when other people are around, because I can't stand to take my attention from the book. I'm taking notes, of which everyone's made fun. My friend at work, Tommy, is about to die for me to finish the book, because he said he still has all these unanswered questions. Every time I ask HIM a question, though, he just stares at me, or says, ".....I can't say." I can't wait to get all moved in and settled down, because I'd like to go through and reread all the books from start to finish. I can't wait until the paperback comes out, because that's when I get to make all my notes and underlinings and stuff. The HP Lexicon has been an absolutely invaluable resource. I love that thing. I like to just open it up and read it, just to have something to read. I hate that people don't like this STORY, but that's how it is, I guess.
Ok, I think that's about it for now. I'm sorry I've been so sparse in my updates and pictures and whatnot. They say that you shouldn't wish your life away, but I sure am glad these last couple of weeks are over. I knew it was going to be rough, but it got overwhelming at times.
I'm in the last days, though. No more driving to work from Hoover - yay! Gotta call my landlord (-lady? -people?) to find out when to sign the lease, so more when I get something going...
I just got back from lunch, and I'm having to update my blog THROUGH MY EMAIL, because for some reason, they've blocked blogger and numerous other sites at my work.
It's shit like this that makes me hate this place.
I talked to Sean a few days ago, though, and he said they've done the same thing at his work recently, too. I don't know what that means. Conspiratorial behavior is what it sounds like to me. Some kind of government shit, no doubt. Heather had an American flag sitting on her countertop the other day, that I had to move to make a sandwich, and I accidentally dropped it on the floor. I told her that if the feds showed up, I'd try to go quietly. Apparently it would be better to drop tomato on the flag, rather than push it to the side for sanitary reasons.
Whatever.
I'm a second generation hippie, so I'm allowed to say these things.
Anyway, things are ok. I'm all moved in to Heather's downstairs...again. I know, I know, but everything is still in the smack-dab middle of transition. Every bit of the crap that I own is stuffed, somehow, into her downstairs playroom. I have a fit every time one of the cats tries to make a scratching post out of my $3000 mattress.
What else? Oh, I'm sick as a dog. Thank God for my surgeon from yesterday, though (no names, just in case). While I was down in surgery, I heard it was his birthday, so I went up to him and said, "Happy birthday - write me an antibiotic." It started as stuffy/runny nose (how can it be both?), then just rapidly spread all through my head. It's in my throat, both my ears, headache, watery eyes, green, and my voice keeps going in and out. I know it's all because of last week, getting little sleep, stress, moving, passing out, the heat, etc. But he hooked me up with amoxicillin, and I'm already feeling the tiniest bit better. I have to stay drugged up on the OTC stuff, because I can't be running through the OR, blowing my nose and touching stuff and breathing on patients. I just hope I'll be ok for this Saturday night.
Which reminds me - I need to go get a bar bible and some No-Doz, or something to keep me going. I hope it's a little busier. I'm trying to spread the word, but then again, I don't want people to show up, just so I can make a serious ass of myself. I just want your money. &=) Just kidding. But not really.
The girl who hooked me up with the job was attacked by her soon-to-be ex-husband a couple of days ago, so I'm really worried about her. I told her that I know people think I'm crazy for always carrying a knife, but I am, and there are reasons for it. Other people give me those reasons. He spent most of the night up there last Saturday on her side of the bar, just sitting and watching. I know break-ups are hard, but come on. I have to say, I managed to stave off the stalker in me when I went through break-ups. It's hard - I KNOW. I think everyone knows what it feels like to have your heart smashed into a million tiny pieces and then crapped on, only for it to sit out in the baking hot sun for weeks, until it dries up, turns into a white, ashy, abstruse, undecipherable material and blows away. I got all that. Hell, I tried to make myself jump off the 280 bridge once. I know what pain is.
So, I'm probably going to be a little edgy on Saturday - best not to sneak up on me.
Ohhhhh, what else? Oh yeah, I paid my moneys, and I'm all set to start moving in to my new place in Southside on Saturday. I'm going to try to take as much as I possibly can, but like I've said before, I'm just going to move the bare essentials (bed, bathroom stuff, computer) until I can afford to hire some guys - or buy some new friends - to move the rest. I'm really looking forward to this. Or, rather, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!! I am. I love Heather, but I can't find ANYTHING I own right now. &=D I'm sure people are starting to wonder about the smell and why I keep wearing the same clothes. It's still going to take me some time to get some money saved up, to start paying off bills, THEN be able to buy the things I want (new cam is priority). I hate that I have this stuff so well-organized in my head sometimes. There are days that I break down and buy something I don't need - like a Wii game, when I don't own a Wii.
You know what I'm saying. It's like being on a money diet. Except that I don't eat money. I ate a marble one time, but it came out in my poop. I don't know if money will do that. I can't even stand the SMELL of money, much less to touch it. &=P Yet, I can never have enough.
Lemme think...I think that's it. I'm only about 15 chapters through HP&TDH, but I'm really trying to savor this one my first time through. I don't read when other people are around, because I can't stand to take my attention from the book. I'm taking notes, of which everyone's made fun. My friend at work, Tommy, is about to die for me to finish the book, because he said he still has all these unanswered questions. Every time I ask HIM a question, though, he just stares at me, or says, ".....I can't say." I can't wait to get all moved in and settled down, because I'd like to go through and reread all the books from start to finish. I can't wait until the paperback comes out, because that's when I get to make all my notes and underlinings and stuff. The HP Lexicon has been an absolutely invaluable resource. I love that thing. I like to just open it up and read it, just to have something to read. I hate that people don't like this STORY, but that's how it is, I guess.
Ok, I think that's about it for now. I'm sorry I've been so sparse in my updates and pictures and whatnot. They say that you shouldn't wish your life away, but I sure am glad these last couple of weeks are over. I knew it was going to be rough, but it got overwhelming at times.
I'm in the last days, though. No more driving to work from Hoover - yay! Gotta call my landlord (-lady? -people?) to find out when to sign the lease, so more when I get something going...
7.22.2007
Fainting goats got nothing on me
As usual, I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. It's been one hell of a weekend, one I'm looking to never again make the mistake of repeating during my lifespan.
Wow. When you set out to make a new life for yourself, if that's the path you're supposed to be on, it feels like a whirlwind.
No, I'm not done reading HP. I'm only on chapter 4. And, it's been an emotional rollercoaster from the very beginning. All I'm going to say is after chapter 3, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to finish the book. I've squalled till my eyes are swollen almost shut.
In my "spare time" (of which I've come across the existence of negative time), we've been headed back to the apartment, where I've had my power cut off (I KNEW there was something I was forgetting...), into the blazing heat to continue to pack and move and sort and have complete and total comeaparts.....wait, that last part was just me. No, I'm not hormonal - bite me.
I managed to sleep 3 hours when I got home from the bar last night and woke up feeling refreshed, albeit tired and a little achy. As the day wore on, and we started working, I crashed like a 747. I got to the point where, every time I would hit the stairs, going up or down, my left knee (the strong one) would just quiver with every step.
We've made it down to nick-nacky things that never have a good place in which to be packed, along with my larger pieces of furniture (all of this under Heather's direction, ONCE AGAIN - she's been the moving nazi, 5 years running). Again, we've been moving everything into Heather's downstairs playroom until I can manage to find out more about my move in date. We had started a good "assembly line" of sorts, when I started crashing hard. Heather had left to take another load over to the house for her and Lee to unload, while Sean and I sorted and packed what we could and tried to get things moved down the stairs, to try to expediate things. It just got hotter, and I kept getting more tired and seemingly closer to the ground. I don't remember what I was doing, but all I remember was feeling really weak, then seeing this blinding flash of white, and the next thing I know, I wake up in the "cat hair chair" in a cold sweat, with my fists clenched tightly shut, allover body numbness, and Sean standing over me, pouring ice and water all over me, trying to cool me down.
I didn't even ask - I knew I had fallen out.
I cursed myself inside and out. Frankly, I hate this shit. I don't know whose body I have gotten stuck with from a past life, but this thing has got to go. As I've said before, you turn 30, you go to ground (see House of God).
Sean managed to get me to become coherent enough to get me down the stairs, into the car, and back to Heather's. I sat in the bedroom, bawling, digging through my box o' meds, trying to find ANYTHING - pain meds, sleep meds, depression meds - anything to make it all stop for a few hours.
Well, I managed somehow to get the right concoction. Aaaand, I'm back on my crutches for right now. From the thighs down, my legs feel like marshmallow peeps - no rigidity or control whatsoever. My shins and knee are aching so badly, I've had to pack a comforter underneath my legs to get the pain to subside while I try to rest.
Tomorrow, I'm going to take the money I made from the bar and more than likely, empty out my savings account, and rent a God-forsaken truck. I may not have the manpower, and it WILL take me the rest of the day, but I WILL make it out of that dementor of an apartment. - You like that? Like how I inserted that HP reference as an everyday adjective? Well, I do.
My girls are currently here with me, at Heather's, exploring, climbing all over me and everything that can be climbed upon, sniffing until I'm pretty sure they're going to hyperventilate themselves for somewhat useless information, and just getting acclimated. They've been my saving grace more than once. I know - crazy cat lady, and again, the offer to bite me still stands.
It's almost 10, so I have to trek upstairs to use the restroom, get some water and take whatever meds will get me through the night. I've got my last hellacious day for a while tomorrow, since I'll be attempting to get the rest of my moving done alone. Chris was nice enough to let me off work Monday, but I absolutely can't expect anything out of another person. I'm getting to be that kind of person that people hate to hear from (what do you mean, you're "getting to be" that way? Aren't you already? And to that, I say yes). I'm pretty sure I'll be alright - I just need to get a good night's rest, to fully recoup from the other night.
As before, I hope this bar thing works out, but I'm really scared to reinjure my knee, so I don't know. I may have to put off my dreams of becoming a real bar bitch/wentch until further notice. Jimmy no good with no sleepy.
As always, thanks for sticking around and reading. I know I'm in the middle of some pretty heavy stuff, but I still like to keep people as in the loop as feasibly possible. Being without internet and having your work block the only site you have to update this stuff becomes a REAL pain in the ass after so many days of the fight. But, eh - nothing I can do right now.
I hope all is well, everyone is doing good, things are working out for everyone, and life is generally good. There are always tiny, spontaneous, random prayers being shot in your direction, so if you think of me, it's probably because I thought of you first!
Love you guys. &=)
Tips Go In - Hands Stay Out
Good morning!
Quick update:
Still moving. Will be until Monday. I'm moving in with Heather to start with, until the time comes for me to move in to the new place (a week, maybe?). I'm really looking forward to it. Right now, me and the girls are holed up in her downstairs bedroom.
I met a new girl at work, Tara, and she helped me get on bartending at a place in Trussville/Roebuck called La Rumba. It's a bar that plays mainly Mexican rock, rap, dance music, etc. I started last night and worked from 9p-6a, and holy crap, are my feet ever killing me. I cannot wait to move horizontal so all the blood will stop touching anything below my waist. I did alright for my first night, I guess. I made $106, but I am the noob, and I have NO idea what I'm doing! I did pretty good for someone who's only talent with alcohol was, at one point in her life, how much she could put away. &=)
But, I just think it's kinda cool - I'm a tiny bartender! &=D I have to get a bar bible to figure some stuff out, and I'm going to have to figure out how I'm going to keep this up. Bartending can make some phat money, and I need every little bit I can get, especially right now! It's not only Mexicans, btw. I saw lots of different people in there, but the Mexicans were actually really, really nice, translated for each other, made me laugh, taught me some ESPANOL, and they were INCREDIBLY patient with me.
I have to say, it's a pretty sweet side job, if I can keep it up, if at all possible. My knees and feet are freaking killing me big right now, and I'm a little scared to botch my knee up. I'll have to take it as easy as I possibly can. About 2/3 of the way through the night, I dragged a stool back there with me and copped a squat. Between midnight and 2 we got really, really busy. I wore the total wrong kinds of kicks there, so I learned my lesson this time. I buzzed around, made Tequila Sunrises, Jack & Cokes, Margaritas, Long Islands, shots, handed out TONS of beer, cleaned more than a regular bartender probably does (OCD), learned WAAAAAY too much about the backside of a bar (um, yuck), and picked up a tiny bit of Spanish on the side. I absolutely had the time of my life! &=) I didn't realize this would be my second calling! &=D
I know, I know - selling the alkie. To what will she resort next? - Hey, nothing in which I have to compromise myself or my integrity. I'm merely performing a job, giving the public what they ask for and having a little bit of tolerable fun in the meantime.
Ahhhhhh, but I must retire. Like I said, I hope I can keep this up. Today isn't going to be very fun, because I have a TON of stuff to do. I hate I'm going to miss church (I'm sorry AGAIN, Honey Lee!), but it's just now 7a, and I've got to get a bit of sleep before I have to force myself to become active again.
Oh, the sweet surrender to a well-deserved slumber - all but inches away...
Quick update:
Still moving. Will be until Monday. I'm moving in with Heather to start with, until the time comes for me to move in to the new place (a week, maybe?). I'm really looking forward to it. Right now, me and the girls are holed up in her downstairs bedroom.
I met a new girl at work, Tara, and she helped me get on bartending at a place in Trussville/Roebuck called La Rumba. It's a bar that plays mainly Mexican rock, rap, dance music, etc. I started last night and worked from 9p-6a, and holy crap, are my feet ever killing me. I cannot wait to move horizontal so all the blood will stop touching anything below my waist. I did alright for my first night, I guess. I made $106, but I am the noob, and I have NO idea what I'm doing! I did pretty good for someone who's only talent with alcohol was, at one point in her life, how much she could put away. &=)
But, I just think it's kinda cool - I'm a tiny bartender! &=D I have to get a bar bible to figure some stuff out, and I'm going to have to figure out how I'm going to keep this up. Bartending can make some phat money, and I need every little bit I can get, especially right now! It's not only Mexicans, btw. I saw lots of different people in there, but the Mexicans were actually really, really nice, translated for each other, made me laugh, taught me some ESPANOL, and they were INCREDIBLY patient with me.
I have to say, it's a pretty sweet side job, if I can keep it up, if at all possible. My knees and feet are freaking killing me big right now, and I'm a little scared to botch my knee up. I'll have to take it as easy as I possibly can. About 2/3 of the way through the night, I dragged a stool back there with me and copped a squat. Between midnight and 2 we got really, really busy. I wore the total wrong kinds of kicks there, so I learned my lesson this time. I buzzed around, made Tequila Sunrises, Jack & Cokes, Margaritas, Long Islands, shots, handed out TONS of beer, cleaned more than a regular bartender probably does (OCD), learned WAAAAAY too much about the backside of a bar (um, yuck), and picked up a tiny bit of Spanish on the side. I absolutely had the time of my life! &=) I didn't realize this would be my second calling! &=D
I know, I know - selling the alkie. To what will she resort next? - Hey, nothing in which I have to compromise myself or my integrity. I'm merely performing a job, giving the public what they ask for and having a little bit of tolerable fun in the meantime.
Ahhhhhh, but I must retire. Like I said, I hope I can keep this up. Today isn't going to be very fun, because I have a TON of stuff to do. I hate I'm going to miss church (I'm sorry AGAIN, Honey Lee!), but it's just now 7a, and I've got to get a bit of sleep before I have to force myself to become active again.
Oh, the sweet surrender to a well-deserved slumber - all but inches away...
7.21.2007
Harry Potter & the End of the Story (no spoilers)
I can't even hardly hold my head up.
It's 2a early on July 21 - I have my Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows book. It's on the bed, right next to me. I'm so freaking excited and tired, I don't even have words to express what's going through my mind.
I'm scared to read it, because this is the end. This is it.
I made it. I don't know the end, and now, no one can mess it up for me. &=)
We actually had a couple of jerks wandering through the bookstore, "videoing" peoples' reactions when they tell them the end of the book - I had them thrown out. And, the funny thing was, I had them pegged from the moment I saw them walking through the store. I sought out the manager, who was standing on the desk in the middle of the store, calling out the numbers, and he was on them like white on rice. His name was Keith, and I still cannot thank that man enough for being as proactive as he was. He was awesome.
**Thank you, Keith!!!**
I'm still in costume. I'm not ready for it to be over. &=) Call me a freak. I don't really care. I'm a Harry Potter-reading Christian who dresses like a spook and listens to hardcore rock, and there's not a thing you can do about it. People can judge all they want here on Earth, but they'll be the ones being judged in the end, along with all the rest of us who have lived a life.
Laugh, if you like.
I think it's silly for your faith to be tested in the wake of the release of a BOOK. This isn't the Anarchist's Cookbook. It's not even a good guide to learning about Wiccan or Pagan characteristics. It's a fictional story about a boy who finds out that he's different from the people around whom he's grown up. God forbid that, right? We don't like differences. We discourage individuality, unless it's like everyone ELSE'S idea of individuality. We loathe those who aren't similar to us in thought, procession, interests, beliefs, dress, look, intelligence...you name it, we can always find something wrong with it.
My dress of choice was Bellatrix LeStrange, in my opinion, one of the most evil characters in the entire series. In my mind's eye, I resemble her very closely in physicality, but our personalities couldn't be more polar opposites. As I sit here costumed as Bellatrix, I wonder about people, giving brief thoughts to various people who have been a part of my life, contemplating over complete strangers. I sat right there in the movie theatre, watching Order of the Phoenix, again dressed as Bellatrix, squalling my eyes out through the movie: The excitement of a fantasy, a wonderful story come to life on the big screen; the swell of the music constantly stuck in my throat; the knowing that my favorite character, Harry, the hero of the book will eventually have to fight what's taken away everything good in his life, knowing that, no matter what, he will choose the path of righteousness...all of those, things that make me happy and make me smile. &=)
I'll be 30 this year, I'm living a real life, and even I, as an adult, don't always make all the right decisions, nor has any other person on this planet.
I know that if Harry were real, he and I would be friends. Life wouldn't always be perfect. But it would be nice to live in a world where help didn't seem so out of reach sometimes. I would encourage him to make the right choices, but based on my reading these books for the past 7 years, I wouldn't have to "push" him in the right direction that much - he seems to know the way on his own, even if he sometimes takes the roundabout way to get there.
Thank you, Jo. And, good luck, Harry. I never doubted your abilities and influence for a second. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, wherever the end takes you.
It's 2a early on July 21 - I have my Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows book. It's on the bed, right next to me. I'm so freaking excited and tired, I don't even have words to express what's going through my mind.
I'm scared to read it, because this is the end. This is it.
I made it. I don't know the end, and now, no one can mess it up for me. &=)
We actually had a couple of jerks wandering through the bookstore, "videoing" peoples' reactions when they tell them the end of the book - I had them thrown out. And, the funny thing was, I had them pegged from the moment I saw them walking through the store. I sought out the manager, who was standing on the desk in the middle of the store, calling out the numbers, and he was on them like white on rice. His name was Keith, and I still cannot thank that man enough for being as proactive as he was. He was awesome.
**Thank you, Keith!!!**
I'm still in costume. I'm not ready for it to be over. &=) Call me a freak. I don't really care. I'm a Harry Potter-reading Christian who dresses like a spook and listens to hardcore rock, and there's not a thing you can do about it. People can judge all they want here on Earth, but they'll be the ones being judged in the end, along with all the rest of us who have lived a life.
Laugh, if you like.
I think it's silly for your faith to be tested in the wake of the release of a BOOK. This isn't the Anarchist's Cookbook. It's not even a good guide to learning about Wiccan or Pagan characteristics. It's a fictional story about a boy who finds out that he's different from the people around whom he's grown up. God forbid that, right? We don't like differences. We discourage individuality, unless it's like everyone ELSE'S idea of individuality. We loathe those who aren't similar to us in thought, procession, interests, beliefs, dress, look, intelligence...you name it, we can always find something wrong with it.
My dress of choice was Bellatrix LeStrange, in my opinion, one of the most evil characters in the entire series. In my mind's eye, I resemble her very closely in physicality, but our personalities couldn't be more polar opposites. As I sit here costumed as Bellatrix, I wonder about people, giving brief thoughts to various people who have been a part of my life, contemplating over complete strangers. I sat right there in the movie theatre, watching Order of the Phoenix, again dressed as Bellatrix, squalling my eyes out through the movie: The excitement of a fantasy, a wonderful story come to life on the big screen; the swell of the music constantly stuck in my throat; the knowing that my favorite character, Harry, the hero of the book will eventually have to fight what's taken away everything good in his life, knowing that, no matter what, he will choose the path of righteousness...all of those, things that make me happy and make me smile. &=)
I'll be 30 this year, I'm living a real life, and even I, as an adult, don't always make all the right decisions, nor has any other person on this planet.
I know that if Harry were real, he and I would be friends. Life wouldn't always be perfect. But it would be nice to live in a world where help didn't seem so out of reach sometimes. I would encourage him to make the right choices, but based on my reading these books for the past 7 years, I wouldn't have to "push" him in the right direction that much - he seems to know the way on his own, even if he sometimes takes the roundabout way to get there.
Thank you, Jo. And, good luck, Harry. I never doubted your abilities and influence for a second. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, wherever the end takes you.
7.16.2007
various updateable materials
Flah....The only time I can update the internet is when I'm at work right now, because my home net is off. This suckzzzz.
So, what happened this past week?
Well, let's start with Harry Potter. On the night of the 10th, I went with several of my friends and family to go to the midnight opening of OOTP. We got some ok pics, but it was all very harried. It was in the middle of the week, I woke up too late to do get everything done that I needed to do, but overall, I had a wonderful time. And, I was like one of two people who dressed up. But I didn't care. This is the kind of stuff that is TOTALLY fun to me. If people weren't such haters, I'd wear hair falls every day of the week. So, it was me, Heather, Larry, Sean, Dwane, Amy, Mark, Erica, Shelby, Mariah, Austin and Braxton who went. We took up an entire row in the theatre. But the movie was awesome. Ok, it was less than awesome. I hate the phrase "artistic license" but they did that. In my opinion, though, it was much better than the last one, but much LESS fun than the book.
I promise, I will post pics eventually, but I can't make anything coordinate right now and won't be able to for some weeks. &=(
NO, I still haven't found a place. YES, I'll be out by the 23rd. I'm definitely making the move back to Southside, strictly to be closer to work. I'm hoping I can find something that will be kind of like Avalon, but less....ghetto-oriented. I liked the apartment, but I hated the fact that I was on the alley, butt-up against this other crappy apartment, where the people were always coming out, screaming and fighting at three in the morning, or blasting their music. The people above me were actually ok, but the chick below me...when I finally left the apartment, I nailed her door shut. So, whether or not she was in and couldn't get out, or out and couldn't get in, I couldn't care either way. I'm actually hoping she just stayed in there and rotted. She would turn her radio on, and it would thump through the floorboards for hours and hours. I called the cops and my landlord on her so many times, it's sickening. I hate living the apartment life, but this will be it until I can get everything turned around.
Ok, what next. Oh, my knee is fine. I'm finally back at work with no brace or crutches, although I do wear the elastic one just for support. Every so often, it feels weak, like it's going to suddenly go out. I still have a limp, and my hip still hurts, so I'm just kinda taking it easy.
Me & Sean went to see 311 - yeah, I posted that already. Ok, now this is all coming back to me. Ahhhh, I hate having to do it like this. This blows.
I watched the kids for Heather and Lee on the 12th, and this weekend I had my friend Jerry, who I took and enrolled at Jimmy Hale on Sunday. I really hope he sticks with the program, because I've exhausted every way that I know of helping him. Good luck, hun - I know you're going to do fine, as long as you clear your mind, keep it open, be honest, stay focused and stay away from the wrong people. Easier said than done - yes, I know.
Today, I have to renew my tag, and tomorrow, I have to meet some guys who are going to take me around to some apartments. I've seen stuff that I really like, but something is always standing the way. I'm going to have to settle on something. I should have started earlier if I was going to be so picky, but once again, I made the wrong decision, by having my surgery before moving. I should have waited until I got settled in to have it done. Oh well - at least it's over.
I have my first appointment with EAP this Wednesday, and I'm a little nervous. This will be my first time talking to someone in over a year. I don't really know what I'm going to say - just go in there and bounce off of whatever the counselour says, I guess. It's better when I talk to someone I know, because they know my history. It's just funny, though, because every time I do this, it always starts with, "My mom passed away several years ago...." Although the problems STARTED long before that, they didn't actually present themselves until after she was gone. It just pisses me off because I can't live without medicine. I get the whole "chemical imbalance" thing, but how did people deal with this before drugs? Sanitariums? Well, I'm about ready for a nice, long vacation - check me in! *google eyes*
So, that's my partial, incomplete update. I have nothing great to report. I feel ok, although some days I'm ready to give in to everything and just stop. I know there's something out there for me, I'm just tired of looking. I'm ready for some sort of clemency. I'm just really tired of being tested right now. I need a break. I'd like someone to take care of and who can take care of me. I know I'm asking a lot, though, so I try not to ask a lot.
God, this is why I hate posting at work. They're in the break room talking about Marvel comic characters vs. Star Wars - who would win?
You know who I think? Harry Potter. But, that's just the opinion of one fan.
So, what happened this past week?
Well, let's start with Harry Potter. On the night of the 10th, I went with several of my friends and family to go to the midnight opening of OOTP. We got some ok pics, but it was all very harried. It was in the middle of the week, I woke up too late to do get everything done that I needed to do, but overall, I had a wonderful time. And, I was like one of two people who dressed up. But I didn't care. This is the kind of stuff that is TOTALLY fun to me. If people weren't such haters, I'd wear hair falls every day of the week. So, it was me, Heather, Larry, Sean, Dwane, Amy, Mark, Erica, Shelby, Mariah, Austin and Braxton who went. We took up an entire row in the theatre. But the movie was awesome. Ok, it was less than awesome. I hate the phrase "artistic license" but they did that. In my opinion, though, it was much better than the last one, but much LESS fun than the book.
I promise, I will post pics eventually, but I can't make anything coordinate right now and won't be able to for some weeks. &=(
NO, I still haven't found a place. YES, I'll be out by the 23rd. I'm definitely making the move back to Southside, strictly to be closer to work. I'm hoping I can find something that will be kind of like Avalon, but less....ghetto-oriented. I liked the apartment, but I hated the fact that I was on the alley, butt-up against this other crappy apartment, where the people were always coming out, screaming and fighting at three in the morning, or blasting their music. The people above me were actually ok, but the chick below me...when I finally left the apartment, I nailed her door shut. So, whether or not she was in and couldn't get out, or out and couldn't get in, I couldn't care either way. I'm actually hoping she just stayed in there and rotted. She would turn her radio on, and it would thump through the floorboards for hours and hours. I called the cops and my landlord on her so many times, it's sickening. I hate living the apartment life, but this will be it until I can get everything turned around.
Ok, what next. Oh, my knee is fine. I'm finally back at work with no brace or crutches, although I do wear the elastic one just for support. Every so often, it feels weak, like it's going to suddenly go out. I still have a limp, and my hip still hurts, so I'm just kinda taking it easy.
Me & Sean went to see 311 - yeah, I posted that already. Ok, now this is all coming back to me. Ahhhh, I hate having to do it like this. This blows.
I watched the kids for Heather and Lee on the 12th, and this weekend I had my friend Jerry, who I took and enrolled at Jimmy Hale on Sunday. I really hope he sticks with the program, because I've exhausted every way that I know of helping him. Good luck, hun - I know you're going to do fine, as long as you clear your mind, keep it open, be honest, stay focused and stay away from the wrong people. Easier said than done - yes, I know.
Today, I have to renew my tag, and tomorrow, I have to meet some guys who are going to take me around to some apartments. I've seen stuff that I really like, but something is always standing the way. I'm going to have to settle on something. I should have started earlier if I was going to be so picky, but once again, I made the wrong decision, by having my surgery before moving. I should have waited until I got settled in to have it done. Oh well - at least it's over.
I have my first appointment with EAP this Wednesday, and I'm a little nervous. This will be my first time talking to someone in over a year. I don't really know what I'm going to say - just go in there and bounce off of whatever the counselour says, I guess. It's better when I talk to someone I know, because they know my history. It's just funny, though, because every time I do this, it always starts with, "My mom passed away several years ago...." Although the problems STARTED long before that, they didn't actually present themselves until after she was gone. It just pisses me off because I can't live without medicine. I get the whole "chemical imbalance" thing, but how did people deal with this before drugs? Sanitariums? Well, I'm about ready for a nice, long vacation - check me in! *google eyes*
So, that's my partial, incomplete update. I have nothing great to report. I feel ok, although some days I'm ready to give in to everything and just stop. I know there's something out there for me, I'm just tired of looking. I'm ready for some sort of clemency. I'm just really tired of being tested right now. I need a break. I'd like someone to take care of and who can take care of me. I know I'm asking a lot, though, so I try not to ask a lot.
God, this is why I hate posting at work. They're in the break room talking about Marvel comic characters vs. Star Wars - who would win?
You know who I think? Harry Potter. But, that's just the opinion of one fan.
7.12.2007
ALL dogs go to Heaven, even if you don't
I just read this article about scientists finding the 10000-year-old frozen carcass of a 6-month-old baby mammoth in the Yamal-Nenets region of Siberia. He's in spectacular shape, with his eyes intact, and they said he even still has his fuzzy hair. I thought it was all great and everything, until I saw his little picture and had to give myself the mental image of that tiny, baby mammoth, getting lost in the snow, separated from his parents, can't find any food, and finally just falling over in exhaustion and hunger, only to freeze to death, alone.
&=(
You know, I love doing things for PETA, ASPCA, pets, farm animals, domestic animals, but most of those horrendous videos and articles, I have to admit, I've never even seen or read. I love to be able to spout off facts and information for people who ask or want to know more, but the images of the things that I have seen have never left my brain. It's the kind of things I have nightmares about - kittens in boxes or bags on the side of the road, frantically crying for help; animals locked away in cages, vomiting, eyes running, bloody and swollen shut, shaved, pumped full of chemicals, all as test subjects for human products; puppies from puppy mills, starving and physically suffering from mange, rabies and more than likely starving and suffering from any number of infections; the infected, bloody, cracked bottom of an elephant's foot from standing on hot asphalt for hours at a time, sometimes wearing sequiny outfits, standing there, waiting to perform for human entertainment; cows lined up, standing in and eating their own feces, only to be corralled, herded in, and have their brains bashed out, simply to satisfy the human need to be the highest link on the food chain...I mean, I could literally go on for hours. But I have to FORCE myself to not think about this stuff, because it drives me almost to the brink of insanity, knowing me and Booboo and Jammy Pie are sitting, holed-up in our safe apartment, with food and shelter, but there are so many others out there, suffering, usually at the hands of a human being.
I was talking to Sean the other day about my encounters with atheism and my feelings on various facets of religion. I said that although Christianity doesn't teach it and most people probably don't believe it, I can't stand to think about animals not having souls. I mean, just looking into Jezzabelle's eyes, I KNOW for a fact that girl has a soul. I just don't understand how people can look in the face of an animal, like a dog or a cat, even a pet that you care about with all your heart, with those baleful eyes and still believe that there is no God. And there's no scientific basis - it's just something I believe. I can't stand to think that I'll have to go the rest of my entire eternity, without ever getting to see my Luxo or Missy or any of the other pets I've cherished over the years.
I always said that I love animals, and I always just want them to all jump on me and be soft. Well, I mean, not like cows and elephants - they can hang out nearby, while I'm rolling in bunnies and chinchillas and kittens and stuff. Then I'll get up and love on the bigger animals. I think animals are amazing - the way they're so different from us, yet have many similarities. I can watch Booboo and Jammy play for hours. The way they move, entertain themselves, adeptly pick things up with their hands, and roll around like they've never been happier in all their lives. And, I'm so happy I can give them that, even though they can't thank me.
I've seen people in desperate situations; I've seen lots of human suffering, but there's nothing that can light a fire under me like an animal that's in trouble. I can't stand to hear the mew of a kitten, in particular, when it's in trouble or lost or scared. It's heart-wrenching to me. Imagine that kitten as a frightened human child, and you'll understand what I'm picturing. They can't "tell" us what they need or want, so we have to do whatever we can to help. I mean, even having opposable thumbs and the ability to reason, I can't imagine being lost in a place full of strange-smelling creatures who don't speak your language and don't look remotely LIKE you.
Once, I saw this video of these dudes who put a cat in a cage, squirted it with gasoline, then set it on fire and videotaped it. I've never been able to stop thinking about that; I can still hear the scream of that cat. I don't really even need to publically post what I'd like to do to those guys. I reported the link to PETA, and they said they'd heard of it before, and it was still under investigation. I know PETA is pretty extreme, but that's exactly who I think should get their hands on those jackasses. Inhumanity to any creature, living or dead, is completely unnecessary.
Sorry. Bit of a preachy thing, right? That's ok. I like exploring these varying subjects that make me who I am, even sometimes I can't even decide what to wear or remember if I ate breakfast or not. I'm not the best at debating, but that's why I like to lay this stuff out and pick through it with a fine tooth comb. The more you know about a subject, the more intelligibly you can discuss it with someone.
I know that was kind of a weird tangent to take, but I did it. And I LIKED it. &=P
&=(
You know, I love doing things for PETA, ASPCA, pets, farm animals, domestic animals, but most of those horrendous videos and articles, I have to admit, I've never even seen or read. I love to be able to spout off facts and information for people who ask or want to know more, but the images of the things that I have seen have never left my brain. It's the kind of things I have nightmares about - kittens in boxes or bags on the side of the road, frantically crying for help; animals locked away in cages, vomiting, eyes running, bloody and swollen shut, shaved, pumped full of chemicals, all as test subjects for human products; puppies from puppy mills, starving and physically suffering from mange, rabies and more than likely starving and suffering from any number of infections; the infected, bloody, cracked bottom of an elephant's foot from standing on hot asphalt for hours at a time, sometimes wearing sequiny outfits, standing there, waiting to perform for human entertainment; cows lined up, standing in and eating their own feces, only to be corralled, herded in, and have their brains bashed out, simply to satisfy the human need to be the highest link on the food chain...I mean, I could literally go on for hours. But I have to FORCE myself to not think about this stuff, because it drives me almost to the brink of insanity, knowing me and Booboo and Jammy Pie are sitting, holed-up in our safe apartment, with food and shelter, but there are so many others out there, suffering, usually at the hands of a human being.
I was talking to Sean the other day about my encounters with atheism and my feelings on various facets of religion. I said that although Christianity doesn't teach it and most people probably don't believe it, I can't stand to think about animals not having souls. I mean, just looking into Jezzabelle's eyes, I KNOW for a fact that girl has a soul. I just don't understand how people can look in the face of an animal, like a dog or a cat, even a pet that you care about with all your heart, with those baleful eyes and still believe that there is no God. And there's no scientific basis - it's just something I believe. I can't stand to think that I'll have to go the rest of my entire eternity, without ever getting to see my Luxo or Missy or any of the other pets I've cherished over the years.
I always said that I love animals, and I always just want them to all jump on me and be soft. Well, I mean, not like cows and elephants - they can hang out nearby, while I'm rolling in bunnies and chinchillas and kittens and stuff. Then I'll get up and love on the bigger animals. I think animals are amazing - the way they're so different from us, yet have many similarities. I can watch Booboo and Jammy play for hours. The way they move, entertain themselves, adeptly pick things up with their hands, and roll around like they've never been happier in all their lives. And, I'm so happy I can give them that, even though they can't thank me.
I've seen people in desperate situations; I've seen lots of human suffering, but there's nothing that can light a fire under me like an animal that's in trouble. I can't stand to hear the mew of a kitten, in particular, when it's in trouble or lost or scared. It's heart-wrenching to me. Imagine that kitten as a frightened human child, and you'll understand what I'm picturing. They can't "tell" us what they need or want, so we have to do whatever we can to help. I mean, even having opposable thumbs and the ability to reason, I can't imagine being lost in a place full of strange-smelling creatures who don't speak your language and don't look remotely LIKE you.
Once, I saw this video of these dudes who put a cat in a cage, squirted it with gasoline, then set it on fire and videotaped it. I've never been able to stop thinking about that; I can still hear the scream of that cat. I don't really even need to publically post what I'd like to do to those guys. I reported the link to PETA, and they said they'd heard of it before, and it was still under investigation. I know PETA is pretty extreme, but that's exactly who I think should get their hands on those jackasses. Inhumanity to any creature, living or dead, is completely unnecessary.
Sorry. Bit of a preachy thing, right? That's ok. I like exploring these varying subjects that make me who I am, even sometimes I can't even decide what to wear or remember if I ate breakfast or not. I'm not the best at debating, but that's why I like to lay this stuff out and pick through it with a fine tooth comb. The more you know about a subject, the more intelligibly you can discuss it with someone.
I know that was kind of a weird tangent to take, but I did it. And I LIKED it. &=P
"New Jimmy, with ankle-whacking action! Crutch sold separately."
Man, I've got so much to update, but guess what? My home internet has been cut off. &=( I've been behind in paying everything lately, so I was able to pay them only part of my bill, so they cut my service off anyway. Ok, so give me my $50 back, then. Pth.
Anyway, I figured, screw it - I'm out of there in less than two weeks anyway. So, I'm just going to cancel my service altogether today. Sucks not having net at home, though. Kinda similar to withdrawals from meth or smoking - can't stop pacing the floors and can't find anything with which I want to busy myself.
Ok, so I can't update on much of anything right now. All my pics and stuff are on my computer. I might take it over to Heather's one evening and update then. But I hate posting something, then posting pics later or not WITH the crap I'm talking about. Gets kind of confusing. Like I still have to post pics of my knee and hip (which is great, btw, but more on that in a min), but I have to pull pics off Amy's cam and Heather's cam, etc, etc.
Lemme see what else...oh, it's 13 days until I move, and I have nowhere to go. &=D I'm ok, though. I'll figure something out. I've got enough cardboard boxes to build my own cardboard box mansion, so I guess I'm kinda glad it's warm outside right now.
Ok, I went and saw Dr. Stannard yesterday, and he gave me a clean bill of health. The xrays look ok - you can see the tiny bone graft in between the two pieces of patella. He wants to give it 6 more weeks, though, before we start PT. &=( He said I don't have to wear the brace or do the crutches anymore, but I'm still kind of nervous about that. He said he still doesn't want me doing any lifting with my leg, no squatting or weight training on it yet, but I can walk and do normal stuff. So, I'm at work today, with the ace bandage on my knee and my brace in a bag, moving at a turtle's pace. I've been really cautious, walking around. I went to do a portable and as I was leaving, I was like, "ok, see you guys in an hour." I did ok, though. I was just pokey-pokey.
And, I'm trying to WALK and not hop, hobble or limp, which is much harder than it sounds, because I can get around SOOOO much faster when I do those things. Ow, and it does have twinges of pain, though, every now and again. It's a different kind of pain than I'm used to. I always wondered what it would feel like to have hardware in your body - well, it doesn't.
My friend Sean and I went to the 311 concert last night, and it was awesome. We were both exhausted (as I'm sure everyone else who went was) from going to the HP premiere at midnight on Tuesday. It was the first time I've ever sat down at a concert. &=( But I didn't stay sitting the whole time. I stood a little during Matisyahu (who is frigging awesome, for those of you who are like me and have never heard of him) and tried to get my concert legs. Then 311 came out, and I had to use my crutch, because I was rocking out. They were awesome, AS USUAL, and Nick Hexum is still the die-hard hawtie he was in the very beginning. We were in the first tier and had pretty good seats, so I was happy about that. I don't like sitting at the top, where you have to take the dramamine. *Urp*
Getting to the seats was a bit of an effort. I had my brace and one crutch, just to ward the peoples off. It was a bit of a trek from the car, and when we got in the gate, it got really tight. Some people were very polite and would step out of the way to let me pass. Others would just run straight into me, like I wasn't even there - much like I'm used to. It sucks to be short...and invisible. Anyway, we got into the venue, and it got so tight, and most of the people weren't paying any attention, so I just started dragging my crutch (with a little added weight) and whacking people in the ankles and shins. I managed to bruise about 50 people before we got to our seats, so I did pretty good. Some people I managed to hit both legs, so that's double points. I think I'm going to start taking a crutch everywhere I go. Forever.
Oh, and when Matisyahu was performing, there was this really tall, really drunk guy who came staggering into the row in front of us and TOTALLY ALL-OUT FELL on the guy directly in front of me. I thought he knew the guy and was just giving him a hard time - but he didn't! I turned and looked aghast at Sean, and he said, "man, that could have been you!" So, I kept a bead on this joker the WHOLE concert. Bitch wasn't falling on MY knee. After Matisyahu, the dude climbs over the seats into OUR row (dammit) and comes tumbling towards me. I put my hands out to stop him, and he says, "I'm not going to hurt you,"
"Yes, you are."
"Well, it's possible."
"And, it's possible I'll kick your ass."
He was all trying to pull that drunk/hooch-laden "let's all just get along" friendliness crap on me, but I was having none of it. If this ass would have fallen on me and fucked my knee up, omfg, you guys don't know the ass-whooping I would have delivered on this fucker. &=( More surgery. Pinch me.
Aside from that, I met the guy sitting next to me, (Christopher) who's in real estate and councils high school kids who have been in accidents with drunk drivers, sustained some type of injury and are getting acclimated back into high school. Sitting next to him were these two girls, Mike and I didn't catch the name of the other one. The lady behind me kept telling me how beautiful my hair was and how she loved the flowers I had in it, so we talked arts and crafts for a few minutes. That's one thing about that type of concert - everyone's really friendly. And, I'm like a coiled snake, sitting, waiting to strike. A snake with KNEES. *sssssssssssss*
So, anyway, the concert was fantabulawesome. They didn't play Sean's fav song "Come Original", but they did play "Creatures," "Love Song" and several other really good ones. I kept having to sit down, whenever my legs would get tired or my knee would start hurting, but I did good. They played a lot of instrumental stuff that I swear I almost fell asleep to. It was very mellow and comforting. I wish they'd release a whole album of stuff like that. Oh, and they did that drum line thing that they started doing on their last tour. That number always gets my heart racing. I love it.
Also, Nick Hexum is a frigging hottie. Did I say that already?
Bah, ok. Peoples are talking to me and talking and they're making me lose my train of thought. I'll blag more laterz.
Anyway, I figured, screw it - I'm out of there in less than two weeks anyway. So, I'm just going to cancel my service altogether today. Sucks not having net at home, though. Kinda similar to withdrawals from meth or smoking - can't stop pacing the floors and can't find anything with which I want to busy myself.
Ok, so I can't update on much of anything right now. All my pics and stuff are on my computer. I might take it over to Heather's one evening and update then. But I hate posting something, then posting pics later or not WITH the crap I'm talking about. Gets kind of confusing. Like I still have to post pics of my knee and hip (which is great, btw, but more on that in a min), but I have to pull pics off Amy's cam and Heather's cam, etc, etc.
Lemme see what else...oh, it's 13 days until I move, and I have nowhere to go. &=D I'm ok, though. I'll figure something out. I've got enough cardboard boxes to build my own cardboard box mansion, so I guess I'm kinda glad it's warm outside right now.
Ok, I went and saw Dr. Stannard yesterday, and he gave me a clean bill of health. The xrays look ok - you can see the tiny bone graft in between the two pieces of patella. He wants to give it 6 more weeks, though, before we start PT. &=( He said I don't have to wear the brace or do the crutches anymore, but I'm still kind of nervous about that. He said he still doesn't want me doing any lifting with my leg, no squatting or weight training on it yet, but I can walk and do normal stuff. So, I'm at work today, with the ace bandage on my knee and my brace in a bag, moving at a turtle's pace. I've been really cautious, walking around. I went to do a portable and as I was leaving, I was like, "ok, see you guys in an hour." I did ok, though. I was just pokey-pokey.
And, I'm trying to WALK and not hop, hobble or limp, which is much harder than it sounds, because I can get around SOOOO much faster when I do those things. Ow, and it does have twinges of pain, though, every now and again. It's a different kind of pain than I'm used to. I always wondered what it would feel like to have hardware in your body - well, it doesn't.
My friend Sean and I went to the 311 concert last night, and it was awesome. We were both exhausted (as I'm sure everyone else who went was) from going to the HP premiere at midnight on Tuesday. It was the first time I've ever sat down at a concert. &=( But I didn't stay sitting the whole time. I stood a little during Matisyahu (who is frigging awesome, for those of you who are like me and have never heard of him) and tried to get my concert legs. Then 311 came out, and I had to use my crutch, because I was rocking out. They were awesome, AS USUAL, and Nick Hexum is still the die-hard hawtie he was in the very beginning. We were in the first tier and had pretty good seats, so I was happy about that. I don't like sitting at the top, where you have to take the dramamine. *Urp*
Getting to the seats was a bit of an effort. I had my brace and one crutch, just to ward the peoples off. It was a bit of a trek from the car, and when we got in the gate, it got really tight. Some people were very polite and would step out of the way to let me pass. Others would just run straight into me, like I wasn't even there - much like I'm used to. It sucks to be short...and invisible. Anyway, we got into the venue, and it got so tight, and most of the people weren't paying any attention, so I just started dragging my crutch (with a little added weight) and whacking people in the ankles and shins. I managed to bruise about 50 people before we got to our seats, so I did pretty good. Some people I managed to hit both legs, so that's double points. I think I'm going to start taking a crutch everywhere I go. Forever.
Oh, and when Matisyahu was performing, there was this really tall, really drunk guy who came staggering into the row in front of us and TOTALLY ALL-OUT FELL on the guy directly in front of me. I thought he knew the guy and was just giving him a hard time - but he didn't! I turned and looked aghast at Sean, and he said, "man, that could have been you!" So, I kept a bead on this joker the WHOLE concert. Bitch wasn't falling on MY knee. After Matisyahu, the dude climbs over the seats into OUR row (dammit) and comes tumbling towards me. I put my hands out to stop him, and he says, "I'm not going to hurt you,"
"Yes, you are."
"Well, it's possible."
"And, it's possible I'll kick your ass."
He was all trying to pull that drunk/hooch-laden "let's all just get along" friendliness crap on me, but I was having none of it. If this ass would have fallen on me and fucked my knee up, omfg, you guys don't know the ass-whooping I would have delivered on this fucker. &=( More surgery. Pinch me.
Aside from that, I met the guy sitting next to me, (Christopher) who's in real estate and councils high school kids who have been in accidents with drunk drivers, sustained some type of injury and are getting acclimated back into high school. Sitting next to him were these two girls, Mike and I didn't catch the name of the other one. The lady behind me kept telling me how beautiful my hair was and how she loved the flowers I had in it, so we talked arts and crafts for a few minutes. That's one thing about that type of concert - everyone's really friendly. And, I'm like a coiled snake, sitting, waiting to strike. A snake with KNEES. *sssssssssssss*
So, anyway, the concert was fantabulawesome. They didn't play Sean's fav song "Come Original", but they did play "Creatures," "Love Song" and several other really good ones. I kept having to sit down, whenever my legs would get tired or my knee would start hurting, but I did good. They played a lot of instrumental stuff that I swear I almost fell asleep to. It was very mellow and comforting. I wish they'd release a whole album of stuff like that. Oh, and they did that drum line thing that they started doing on their last tour. That number always gets my heart racing. I love it.
Also, Nick Hexum is a frigging hottie. Did I say that already?
Bah, ok. Peoples are talking to me and talking and they're making me lose my train of thought. I'll blag more laterz.
7.10.2007
Harry Potter + moving + broke knee = panic attack
As soon as I get home, I'll edit this post.
Until then, I thought I'd send out the link:
http://perezhilton.com/?p=1177
The HP trio has finally gotten their own block at Grauman's Chinese Theatre!!! &=D That's SO cool! I'm so excited!! Only 17 more hours till the movie, and 11 days till the book!!!! And, yes, before you ask, I will be holing myself up in my apartment that weekend to read the book - no tv, no phones. I'm also taking off work the following Monday, not only to make sure I've read the entire book, but to MOVE! ARRRRGGGHHH!!! Please tell me this is a good sign!
WAIT! I haven't even found a place to live yet!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Until then, I thought I'd send out the link:
http://perezhilton.com/?p=1177
The HP trio has finally gotten their own block at Grauman's Chinese Theatre!!! &=D That's SO cool! I'm so excited!! Only 17 more hours till the movie, and 11 days till the book!!!! And, yes, before you ask, I will be holing myself up in my apartment that weekend to read the book - no tv, no phones. I'm also taking off work the following Monday, not only to make sure I've read the entire book, but to MOVE! ARRRRGGGHHH!!! Please tell me this is a good sign!
WAIT! I haven't even found a place to live yet!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Some people are Trekkies...
At this time tomorrow, I will transform, once again, into Bellatrix LeStrange.
Just so you know, this is NOT the image I have of her at all. But it will touch on the main points - the black, the crazy hair, and...well, that's probably the most important stuff. I'm going to see just how far I can possibly take it tomorrow, without making it unbelievable. There's nothing I hate worse than an unconvincing wizard. Sheesh.
Haha, and the great thing is, I've tricked other people into going with me! It's always nice to see the looks on other peoples' faces when they realize...you dressed up...for the premiere...of a movie...for a children's book.
Way back when I started reading the books, I took a test and was immediately sorted into Slytherin. In fact, I took the test several times and kept being sorted into Slytherin. I've always been drawn to her for some odd reason. So, let's just assume that Bellatrix is who I would be if I were to use my powers for good instead of evil.
Wait...
Just so you know, this is NOT the image I have of her at all. But it will touch on the main points - the black, the crazy hair, and...well, that's probably the most important stuff. I'm going to see just how far I can possibly take it tomorrow, without making it unbelievable. There's nothing I hate worse than an unconvincing wizard. Sheesh.
Haha, and the great thing is, I've tricked other people into going with me! It's always nice to see the looks on other peoples' faces when they realize...you dressed up...for the premiere...of a movie...for a children's book.
Way back when I started reading the books, I took a test and was immediately sorted into Slytherin. In fact, I took the test several times and kept being sorted into Slytherin. I've always been drawn to her for some odd reason. So, let's just assume that Bellatrix is who I would be if I were to use my powers for good instead of evil.Wait...
7.09.2007
Reason #only about being an adult
You know the best thing about being semi-growed-up?
I found $20 in something I was packing away, so I took it and went on a midnight ice cream run all by myself!
Sure, it would have been fun to do a doughnut drive-by with someone, but this was pretty fulfilling, since I've learned to make it through the week on less than $5.
Hunger pangs? No, that's just lactic acid from doing that million sit-ups earlier.
Stomach growling? Nah - I just farted.
I don't even GET hungry anymore. I'm convinced that's why I can't possibly lose one ounce - my body has become accustomed to eating its own fat, then making more. That's one of the GREATEST things about being a chick.
Man, I've got a ton of old posts in here that I need to get out, but they're unfinished. And, in this case, I mean, literally unfinished. Not buffed and refurbished like I normally mean when I say that. I mean, there are these two weird ladies standing over by the desk watching me type this, so Imma go now. I hate when people watch me type. And read what I'm typing. When they weren't invited. Yeah, I'm talking to you two. Oooooooo - burned!
More in a bit.
I found $20 in something I was packing away, so I took it and went on a midnight ice cream run all by myself!
Sure, it would have been fun to do a doughnut drive-by with someone, but this was pretty fulfilling, since I've learned to make it through the week on less than $5.
Hunger pangs? No, that's just lactic acid from doing that million sit-ups earlier.
Stomach growling? Nah - I just farted.
I don't even GET hungry anymore. I'm convinced that's why I can't possibly lose one ounce - my body has become accustomed to eating its own fat, then making more. That's one of the GREATEST things about being a chick.
Man, I've got a ton of old posts in here that I need to get out, but they're unfinished. And, in this case, I mean, literally unfinished. Not buffed and refurbished like I normally mean when I say that. I mean, there are these two weird ladies standing over by the desk watching me type this, so Imma go now. I hate when people watch me type. And read what I'm typing. When they weren't invited. Yeah, I'm talking to you two. Oooooooo - burned!
More in a bit.
I'M OFF LIGHT DUTY!!!!!!
...just thought i'd tell someone, albeit probably just myself, my good news.
This light duty crap is for the birds. I have to admit, getting paid to sit around with your broke leg propped up has its perks for about a day. But then it just gets annoying. They had started putting me up at the front desk, but you all know how much I LOATHE talking on the phone, so that was sucking. I hate talking on the phone, and talking to stupid people over the phone makes it even worse. I mean, you DO know this isn't the carwash, OR the movie theatre, OR the st vincent's parking lot shuttlebus. And, just because you're deaf, doesn't mean everyone else is. I started just transferring calls to random numbers. It's a wonder they even kept me up there. I learned how to schedule three CT's, while taking down info of films to be printed, and pulling off info from ER of STAT exams to put in. All those years at the Aegis paid off after all! &=)
Ok, I'm SO friggin excited to be off this light duty crap - I just had to share. Even though they'll probably send me over to Southside first thing. And, between me, you and the rest of the hospital, I hate it over there. I'm ready to get back into my regular routine of staying busy downstairs in main, where I belong.
I'm going to attempt to go around and look at more apts today. There's one set that I really wanted to stop by. It's kinda "meh" on the outside, and it sure is cheap, but maybe it's just a "treasure" that no one knows about! Or maybe that was actually a mutated roach I talked to on the phone, who was trying to get me to move in. Either way, she seemed really nice. We'll see. We'll seeeeeee......
This light duty crap is for the birds. I have to admit, getting paid to sit around with your broke leg propped up has its perks for about a day. But then it just gets annoying. They had started putting me up at the front desk, but you all know how much I LOATHE talking on the phone, so that was sucking. I hate talking on the phone, and talking to stupid people over the phone makes it even worse. I mean, you DO know this isn't the carwash, OR the movie theatre, OR the st vincent's parking lot shuttlebus. And, just because you're deaf, doesn't mean everyone else is. I started just transferring calls to random numbers. It's a wonder they even kept me up there. I learned how to schedule three CT's, while taking down info of films to be printed, and pulling off info from ER of STAT exams to put in. All those years at the Aegis paid off after all! &=)
Ok, I'm SO friggin excited to be off this light duty crap - I just had to share. Even though they'll probably send me over to Southside first thing. And, between me, you and the rest of the hospital, I hate it over there. I'm ready to get back into my regular routine of staying busy downstairs in main, where I belong.
I'm going to attempt to go around and look at more apts today. There's one set that I really wanted to stop by. It's kinda "meh" on the outside, and it sure is cheap, but maybe it's just a "treasure" that no one knows about! Or maybe that was actually a mutated roach I talked to on the phone, who was trying to get me to move in. Either way, she seemed really nice. We'll see. We'll seeeeeee......
7.08.2007
tiny updaters
Just so you know, I'm still alive.
I'm actually working on a post right now, but I have to take time off, to give my brain a break. It's hard when you come to realizations about yourself. You can't tell by looking at me, but sometimes it's hard to point at yourself and say, "hey, I've figured out all the things that make me so fucked up." It's even harder to address those things and know that they have to change before you're able to move on within your life.
I'm also not getting around very well. You know how we've been having that drought? Well, I wish we were in one right now. And you know that's abnormal for me to say that. Every effing time it rains, it feels like someone is trying to wrench my right leg from it's socket.
I've started packing...a little. I need to go back down to surgery tomorrow to see if I can get some smaller boxes. I have plenty of huge ones, but I can barely lift the ones I have. Suxes.
Give me time. I have like 2 weeks till I'm supposed to be out. I'll make it. I don't know how, but I always do. After that, lots of things will be changing. Those of you who need to know will receive notification as events warrant themselves.
Those who don't - well, I bid you adieu. No hard feelings, but it's just time for me to move on...without you.
It's been a long time coming, but I need this. I'm actually looking forward to it. Most of you know how I am - I'm not good at staying in one place for a long time. Change is my friend. I've been obsessed with it since mom passed away.
Who knows what's in my future? God does.
Laugh, if you must. Because I don't care.
*ouch* Ok, have to go find some meds - my knee is predicting a hurricane in the next 5 seconds. And, it's gonna be a big'un. Cows are laying down all over the state, as we speak. God, you know what I could go for? Coffee. I don't know what made me think that.
Oh, right - meds. Ok, more later.
I'm actually working on a post right now, but I have to take time off, to give my brain a break. It's hard when you come to realizations about yourself. You can't tell by looking at me, but sometimes it's hard to point at yourself and say, "hey, I've figured out all the things that make me so fucked up." It's even harder to address those things and know that they have to change before you're able to move on within your life.
I'm also not getting around very well. You know how we've been having that drought? Well, I wish we were in one right now. And you know that's abnormal for me to say that. Every effing time it rains, it feels like someone is trying to wrench my right leg from it's socket.
I've started packing...a little. I need to go back down to surgery tomorrow to see if I can get some smaller boxes. I have plenty of huge ones, but I can barely lift the ones I have. Suxes.
Give me time. I have like 2 weeks till I'm supposed to be out. I'll make it. I don't know how, but I always do. After that, lots of things will be changing. Those of you who need to know will receive notification as events warrant themselves.
Those who don't - well, I bid you adieu. No hard feelings, but it's just time for me to move on...without you.
It's been a long time coming, but I need this. I'm actually looking forward to it. Most of you know how I am - I'm not good at staying in one place for a long time. Change is my friend. I've been obsessed with it since mom passed away.
Who knows what's in my future? God does.
Laugh, if you must. Because I don't care.
*ouch* Ok, have to go find some meds - my knee is predicting a hurricane in the next 5 seconds. And, it's gonna be a big'un. Cows are laying down all over the state, as we speak. God, you know what I could go for? Coffee. I don't know what made me think that.
Oh, right - meds. Ok, more later.
7.06.2007
who are you?
When someone tells you something, do you just hear what you want to hear?
If someone sends you an email, do you be sure and read the whole thing?
How do you interpret people?
Do you try to force things to be the way you think they should be?
Or do you ever just accept what's probably inevitable and move on?
When do you fight for what you want?
When do you decide that there's no longer a point in trying?
If someone sends you an email, do you be sure and read the whole thing?
How do you interpret people?
Do you try to force things to be the way you think they should be?
Or do you ever just accept what's probably inevitable and move on?
When do you fight for what you want?
When do you decide that there's no longer a point in trying?
7.01.2007
Ben Harper - Walk Away
Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you, my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
With so many people
To love in my life,
Why do I worry
About one?
But you put the happy
In my -ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Then you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery
They say time will
Make this all go away
But it's time that has taken my tommorows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again, that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again, you, my friend
Are no where to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away...
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you, my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
With so many people
To love in my life,
Why do I worry
About one?
But you put the happy
In my -ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Then you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery
They say time will
Make this all go away
But it's time that has taken my tommorows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again, that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again, you, my friend
Are no where to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away...
6.30.2007
23 more days
I wish I didn't care that you don't love me anymore.
But, it hurts.
I do miss you, incredibly, but I can't be who you want me to be. Not right now, and probably not ever.
Eventually, I'll be just a memory to you - to many of you.
One day, I'll find someone to fill that void.
Or not.
But, it hurts.
I do miss you, incredibly, but I can't be who you want me to be. Not right now, and probably not ever.
Eventually, I'll be just a memory to you - to many of you.
One day, I'll find someone to fill that void.
Or not.
6.28.2007
Recov-what?
Just to let you know, I woke up this morning as a paraplegic. No, not seriously, but almost. I always sleep on my stomach, and when I went to turn over, I, like, couldn't. The pain in my hip and both legs was so severe, I almost started to cry. I know I cry at every other thing known to man, but that's usually emotional. I don't cry at pain unless it's severe enough.
So, I called into work, which I know SUPER-pissed my boss off. Oh, well - if I can't move, I can't drive. I called the doc's office, and his nurse, Wynne, eventually called me back. She said that because of the weather, I'm experiencing arthritic pain, and since I'm still so early out of surgery, it's going to be really, really severe. I told her that the torodol he had prescribed me in place of the lortab wasn't doing anything, so she's called me in some tylenol 3 - we'll see how that does. She said that NSAIDS hinder bone growth, so that's why I can't take that kind of stuff while I'm healing.
She said my hip WILL get better in time, and my knee will get better once I get back to full range of motion and do PT and stuff. She also told me I have to - get this - SLOW DOWN. I really had thrown myself back into work full force the past three days, and I was ok, except I kept passing out from exhaustion every day I'd get home. She said, "yeah, that's a sign that you're doing too much, jennifer." I was like, yeah, yeah, ok. Then she threw in the, "you don't want to have to go BACK to surgery for this, do you?," so I was like, ok, I got it.
So, this weekend, I have to stay OFF my feet and keep ice on my knee. She really didn't want me to go to work tomorrow, but I told her I had to. So she wrote me a light duty notice and sent it to Chris.
Dammit. I hate this. But, hey, at least it's over and done with. If they can just help me set up in surgery, I think I'll be fine working the c-arm, but somehow, I'm sure they won't even let me do that. God, I'm going to be answering the phone and taking messages.
I'm NOT a secretary. And, I DON'T want to get paid to sit around and look gorgeous.
So, all day, I've been icing the knee and laying around, doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G. And, it sucks. I'm addicted to work. I was so glad to be back. I've got a metric ton of dishes to do, but standing up hurts. Hell, going to the bathroom hurts. Rolling over in the bed makes me wince. And, now there's nothing on tv, because of the stupid Siegelman/Scrushy sentencing. I hate that guy. Both of them. Pth.
Ok, this is a totally boring post, but once again, this helps me and others keep up with my recovery. I might go out and stay with my family this weekend, but we'll see. I have to get out there somehow. I really want to get better, so I'm going to have to do what they say. Also, I still haven't found a place, and I'm not in the best shape to go look, so I'm on the right side of screwed.
*sigh*
I thought I had it all figured out, but once again, I did everything in the backasswards order. There are things, kinda like this, that it's not good that I don't have a mom/significant other/guardian/caretaker/zookeeper. Heather can only do so much, because she has her own life and family, and I can't expect her to drop everything for me. All my friends are busy, and I'm not good at needing help - it's my least favorite thing in the world.
Ok, let me go SIT and sort laundry. This is ridiculous. I hate recovering. I hope I never have to have surgery again. Next time, they might just need to keep me in a coma until I'm all better.
Oh, and so far, Siegelman got 7 yrs in jail, a $50k fine, $181k restitution, & 500 hrs community service.
I'm hoping Scrushy will get the chair.
Oh, he gets 82 mos - gay.
So, I called into work, which I know SUPER-pissed my boss off. Oh, well - if I can't move, I can't drive. I called the doc's office, and his nurse, Wynne, eventually called me back. She said that because of the weather, I'm experiencing arthritic pain, and since I'm still so early out of surgery, it's going to be really, really severe. I told her that the torodol he had prescribed me in place of the lortab wasn't doing anything, so she's called me in some tylenol 3 - we'll see how that does. She said that NSAIDS hinder bone growth, so that's why I can't take that kind of stuff while I'm healing.
She said my hip WILL get better in time, and my knee will get better once I get back to full range of motion and do PT and stuff. She also told me I have to - get this - SLOW DOWN. I really had thrown myself back into work full force the past three days, and I was ok, except I kept passing out from exhaustion every day I'd get home. She said, "yeah, that's a sign that you're doing too much, jennifer." I was like, yeah, yeah, ok. Then she threw in the, "you don't want to have to go BACK to surgery for this, do you?," so I was like, ok, I got it.
So, this weekend, I have to stay OFF my feet and keep ice on my knee. She really didn't want me to go to work tomorrow, but I told her I had to. So she wrote me a light duty notice and sent it to Chris.
Dammit. I hate this. But, hey, at least it's over and done with. If they can just help me set up in surgery, I think I'll be fine working the c-arm, but somehow, I'm sure they won't even let me do that. God, I'm going to be answering the phone and taking messages.
I'm NOT a secretary. And, I DON'T want to get paid to sit around and look gorgeous.
So, all day, I've been icing the knee and laying around, doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G. And, it sucks. I'm addicted to work. I was so glad to be back. I've got a metric ton of dishes to do, but standing up hurts. Hell, going to the bathroom hurts. Rolling over in the bed makes me wince. And, now there's nothing on tv, because of the stupid Siegelman/Scrushy sentencing. I hate that guy. Both of them. Pth.
Ok, this is a totally boring post, but once again, this helps me and others keep up with my recovery. I might go out and stay with my family this weekend, but we'll see. I have to get out there somehow. I really want to get better, so I'm going to have to do what they say. Also, I still haven't found a place, and I'm not in the best shape to go look, so I'm on the right side of screwed.
*sigh*
I thought I had it all figured out, but once again, I did everything in the backasswards order. There are things, kinda like this, that it's not good that I don't have a mom/significant other/guardian/caretaker/zookeeper. Heather can only do so much, because she has her own life and family, and I can't expect her to drop everything for me. All my friends are busy, and I'm not good at needing help - it's my least favorite thing in the world.
Ok, let me go SIT and sort laundry. This is ridiculous. I hate recovering. I hope I never have to have surgery again. Next time, they might just need to keep me in a coma until I'm all better.
Oh, and so far, Siegelman got 7 yrs in jail, a $50k fine, $181k restitution, & 500 hrs community service.
I'm hoping Scrushy will get the chair.
Oh, he gets 82 mos - gay.
6.27.2007
me & my true love
My uncle just sent me the world's best picture. I've been having a really rough couple of weeks. This is the kind of stuff that makes me know that I have a special kind of wind that inflates my sails, and I'm ok with that.
6.26.2007
vampires needed
Guess what? I'm addicted to giving blood!
We're having a drive at the UAB North Pavilion (hint, hint) from July 2-July 6. My appointment is July 6 at 4p, after I get off work. That way I can pass out at the wheel of my car on the way home, as opposed to at work.
I love doing this! Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome this is???
I'm also getting ready to try to enroll myself in a buttload of these UAB studies they offer in the UAB Reporter. In my opinion, the best way to *stop animal testing* (aside from just not doing it) is to offer up thine own self for the sacrifice.
I did the HPV vaccine, back when it was still in its early days, and now my aunt's girls are getting them. To think that I could have been instrumental in their protection or the saving of their lives makes me very proud to do this.
In case anyone was curious, I'm A+...just FYI.
Oh, and I just found out Heather and her whole family are A+, too! How COOL is that?!??!
That makes me smile. &=)
We're having a drive at the UAB North Pavilion (hint, hint) from July 2-July 6. My appointment is July 6 at 4p, after I get off work. That way I can pass out at the wheel of my car on the way home, as opposed to at work.
I love doing this! Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome this is???
I'm also getting ready to try to enroll myself in a buttload of these UAB studies they offer in the UAB Reporter. In my opinion, the best way to *stop animal testing* (aside from just not doing it) is to offer up thine own self for the sacrifice.
I did the HPV vaccine, back when it was still in its early days, and now my aunt's girls are getting them. To think that I could have been instrumental in their protection or the saving of their lives makes me very proud to do this.
In case anyone was curious, I'm A+...just FYI.
Oh, and I just found out Heather and her whole family are A+, too! How COOL is that?!??!
That makes me smile. &=)
updated update - no reason
Current mood: crushed
Just to update my update, Heather said it's ok to have days where you just can't stop crying, especially when you have reasons to be sad...or not.
Today is my day.
Tomorrow's forecast is about 100% showers, too.
Too bad I can't contribute to the relief of the drought.
S'cuse me - I have to get a new roll of toilet paper. I have to wade through the other two rolls to get more.
*My rebirth is in the very near future*
I have to say, thank God for the friends I have left, no matter how crappily I treat them. I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me.
Just to update my update, Heather said it's ok to have days where you just can't stop crying, especially when you have reasons to be sad...or not.
Today is my day.
Tomorrow's forecast is about 100% showers, too.
Too bad I can't contribute to the relief of the drought.
S'cuse me - I have to get a new roll of toilet paper. I have to wade through the other two rolls to get more.
*My rebirth is in the very near future*
I have to say, thank God for the friends I have left, no matter how crappily I treat them. I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me.
6.25.2007
Back to work!
Current mood: cynical
Well, here I am - back at work. Everything is just about the same. My boss still hates me, but that's normal. We have new timeclocks, the door has been taken off the darkroom down in the OR, and there's a computer down there (yet still no digital processor, which would have been the thing to get BEFORE the computer), and I only had one "get well" card from anyone in the hospital, of course, the person I talk to the absolute least (my department didn't send me ANYTHING). Most of my welcome backs came from the OR, where I'm actually appreciated. And that, by my standards, is perfectly fine!
Oh yeah, and the welcome back from my boss consisted of, "Why are you on a crutch? I thought you were back with no restrictions."
Thanks, buddy.
I did my first case, and of course, everyone wanted to baby me and hug me and push everything around for me, but I was like, "come on, guys - I'm totally good. It was my knee, not my arm."
Also, my doctor who I normally do most of my surgery cases with just had hip replacement surgery here today! I couldn't believe it - I actually thought he was going to have his surgery while I was out. But I came in and checked the schedule and saw his name on there, so I hobbled down to surgery as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to see him pre-operatively, but they had already put him under and were prepping, so I just went in and hugged his head (everybody did the "awwww").
He just came out a little bit ago, so I went to see him in recovery, and he's just as loopy as I was. He kept falling asleep, and when he'd snore, he'd wake up and say, "I can't seem to control my glottis!" He said his thigh was hurting, and when they'd give him morphine, he'd say he could feel it all in his chest, which is exactly what the dilaudid did for me.
Everyone in recovery was kidding me and giving me a hard time about when I was there. They said I talked the entire time, and hugged everybody, and got all excited when people would come to see me. Of course, everyone kept asking, "do you remember when...?" I just kept telling them that the last thing I remember was riding down the hallway, going to the OR suite, vague, blurry memories of the hospital room, then being at various houses here and there, during my recovery.
Real surgery is a kick, dude. I'm not scared of it at all. That's hilarious to me, since I used to be petrified of having to have my appendix removed.
It's so weird, thinking that just a few weeks ago, I was looking so forward to having it done. Now, here I am - it's over and done with, and life is back to normal. Well, with several changes, both warranted and unfortunate.
But there's many, many more changes to come. I don't know who will remain a part of my life and who will be left behind. I can't keep living with so many memories that continue to hurt and haunt me. I want so desperately to be happy, but these shackles of sorrow that I drag around weigh me down more than any of you can imagine. Ok, I say that metaphorically. I just mean, none of you know know of the troubles of my mind. You can only truly know of your own suffering.
*sigh*
I think I'm ready to have a normal-ish life. A loving husband who adores me more than the world itself, some little kidlets and pets running around, a house, and the ability to travel and expand my family's worldliness. My dream is to have the kind of family who travels around, helping others, volunteering, working for the betterment of other people, animals and the environment, while still having close, tight ties with our families. Now, you know my secret. That's all I've ever wished for. And, I still feel, for some reason, that I should settle for nothing less.
Will I ever get that? I don't know. The longer time goes on, the more I begin to doubt. I've only loved twice in my life. I don't regret either man. I only regret my actions were less than desireable, and that makes me sad. That saying that hindsight is 20/20 is constantly stuck in my head - unfortunately, always too late.
The definition is: "Perfect understanding of an event after it has happened; - a term usually used with sarcasm in response to criticism of one's decision, implying that the critic is unfairly judging the wisdom of the decision in light of information that was not available when the decision was made."
Nonetheless, God made me, not in His image, but as He made me. All I can do is strive to be better and correct myself, every new day of my life. Hence all the upcoming changes.
But updates will follow, of course.
As for now, BACK TO WORK! *whips crashing*
Currently reading : The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup and a Spool of Thread
By Kate Dicamillo
Well, here I am - back at work. Everything is just about the same. My boss still hates me, but that's normal. We have new timeclocks, the door has been taken off the darkroom down in the OR, and there's a computer down there (yet still no digital processor, which would have been the thing to get BEFORE the computer), and I only had one "get well" card from anyone in the hospital, of course, the person I talk to the absolute least
Oh yeah, and the welcome back from my boss consisted of, "Why are you on a crutch? I thought you were back with no restrictions."
Thanks, buddy.
I did my first case, and of course, everyone wanted to baby me and hug me and push everything around for me, but I was like, "come on, guys - I'm totally good. It was my knee, not my arm."
Also, my doctor who I normally do most of my surgery cases with just had hip replacement surgery here today! I couldn't believe it - I actually thought he was going to have his surgery while I was out. But I came in and checked the schedule and saw his name on there, so I hobbled down to surgery as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to see him pre-operatively, but they had already put him under and were prepping, so I just went in and hugged his head (everybody did the "awwww").
He just came out a little bit ago, so I went to see him in recovery, and he's just as loopy as I was. He kept falling asleep, and when he'd snore, he'd wake up and say, "I can't seem to control my glottis!" He said his thigh was hurting, and when they'd give him morphine, he'd say he could feel it all in his chest, which is exactly what the dilaudid did for me.
Everyone in recovery was kidding me and giving me a hard time about when I was there. They said I talked the entire time, and hugged everybody, and got all excited when people would come to see me. Of course, everyone kept asking, "do you remember when...?" I just kept telling them that the last thing I remember was riding down the hallway, going to the OR suite, vague, blurry memories of the hospital room, then being at various houses here and there, during my recovery.
Real surgery is a kick, dude. I'm not scared of it at all. That's hilarious to me, since I used to be petrified of having to have my appendix removed.
It's so weird, thinking that just a few weeks ago, I was looking so forward to having it done. Now, here I am - it's over and done with, and life is back to normal. Well, with several changes, both warranted and unfortunate.
But there's many, many more changes to come. I don't know who will remain a part of my life and who will be left behind. I can't keep living with so many memories that continue to hurt and haunt me. I want so desperately to be happy, but these shackles of sorrow that I drag around weigh me down more than any of you can imagine. Ok, I say that metaphorically. I just mean, none of you know know of the troubles of my mind. You can only truly know of your own suffering.
*sigh*
I think I'm ready to have a normal-ish life. A loving husband who adores me more than the world itself, some little kidlets and pets running around, a house, and the ability to travel and expand my family's worldliness. My dream is to have the kind of family who travels around, helping others, volunteering, working for the betterment of other people, animals and the environment, while still having close, tight ties with our families. Now, you know my secret. That's all I've ever wished for. And, I still feel, for some reason, that I should settle for nothing less.
Will I ever get that? I don't know. The longer time goes on, the more I begin to doubt. I've only loved twice in my life. I don't regret either man. I only regret my actions were less than desireable, and that makes me sad. That saying that hindsight is 20/20 is constantly stuck in my head - unfortunately, always too late.
The definition is: "Perfect understanding of an event after it has happened; - a term usually used with sarcasm in response to criticism of one's decision, implying that the critic is unfairly judging the wisdom of the decision in light of information that was not available when the decision was made."
Nonetheless, God made me, not in His image, but as He made me. All I can do is strive to be better and correct myself, every new day of my life. Hence all the upcoming changes.
But updates will follow, of course.
As for now, BACK TO WORK! *whips crashing*
Currently reading : The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup and a Spool of Thread
By Kate Dicamillo
6.24.2007
how many roads...
Current mood: tearful
how many times does your heart break before it no longer resembles a heart?
how long before it stops working?
how many times do you have to disappoint people before they just learn to stop counting on you?
how many times does your heart break before it no longer resembles a heart?
how long before it stops working?
how many times do you have to disappoint people before they just learn to stop counting on you?
6.23.2007
non-suicidal suicide note
Current mood: depressed
Some "stuff" has been going down, and I'll just say, I've had a really, really rotten past couple of days. I took a whole bunch of crap to help me sleep and forget last night, and after I took all that stuff, I realized that I didn't take into consideration whether or not any of it would interact with other stuff. So I posted a "non-suicide" suicide note on my computer screen, in case I somehow died in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, as I write this, here I am. Awake at 4a in the morning, and still pissed and hurting. No need, really, to go into what caused this. It's all irrelevant now.
Anyhow, here's my note. Just a little something to make the autopsy go smoothly:
In case anyone finds this, and I'm subsequently dead, this was not suicide, although I'm sure when I wake up in the morning, I'll have wished otherwise. Merely the steeping of the pain of the loss of love. I took 2 lortab, 2 klonopin, a toporal, half a celexa, my calcium, and about a third of that bottle of malibu rum in the freezer. If anyone wants to know what I ate, it was pretzels & gatorade. Let's just say it's a low point for me right now. I already feel like vomitting. Pain level for my hip is about a 7, knee is a 3.
Any other info about me can be found in any of the yearly labelled boxes around my apartment or in my storage shed at my aunt's house. Unfortunately, you probably won't find anything shocking or interesting. For that, I'm sorry.
Please make sure my girls (who should remain together, be that they're sisters), my mom's ashes, and my Allie cat are appropriately cared for. My pictures - fuck 'em - they're memories. Memories I don't even care about anymore.
I love you guys, and I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could have been a better me. Tell my kids I love them - Erica, Shelby, Austin & Braxton - you were the reason for my every existence. But you're growing up now, and you're all intelligent and beautiful - I know you'll be ok. Just remember that your Jimmy loves you, and I always will. Grammy, Amy, Gordon, Mark and Diane - I could never really express what you guys meant to me. This family...the distance has been so hard on me. But coming home would have been even harder. Mom and Aaron were there. And of course, Phil was here. All my adult life, I've felt lost, with very little direction or discipline. I love my mom more than anything in the world, but she never gave me appropriate guidance, helping me to segues into a healthy adult life. My life only existed within her boundaries. And that's fucked me up my entire life. No matter - I'd never have chosen another mother. Not a whole lot of people really understand me. Not even me.
Sean and Heather were my friends - my true friends. Heather was my best friend. She was one of my substitute moms. There were so many times when I was in pain, that she'd just wrap me up in one of her quilts and just hug me and let me cry it out. We grew apart when her kids were born. But no matter - she was always there. She supported me when I thought I had no one else. There are people who have been here for me, people I've neglected to mention, and I'm sorry, but my coherency is fading fast. There aren't words in the world that can explain my people. Beyond perfection. Beyond caring. Beyond luck. They were my people, and I couldn't have asked for anything more, but to be a better person myself. I'm so sorry. And I love you all. There are times I cry myself to sleep, thinking about how I feel my heart will burst from how much I love everyone.
This will be one of those nights.
Thank you for loving me. Please forgive my indiscretions.
Some "stuff" has been going down, and I'll just say, I've had a really, really rotten past couple of days. I took a whole bunch of crap to help me sleep and forget last night, and after I took all that stuff, I realized that I didn't take into consideration whether or not any of it would interact with other stuff. So I posted a "non-suicide" suicide note on my computer screen, in case I somehow died in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, as I write this, here I am. Awake at 4a in the morning, and still pissed and hurting. No need, really, to go into what caused this. It's all irrelevant now.
Anyhow, here's my note. Just a little something to make the autopsy go smoothly:
In case anyone finds this, and I'm subsequently dead, this was not suicide, although I'm sure when I wake up in the morning, I'll have wished otherwise. Merely the steeping of the pain of the loss of love. I took 2 lortab, 2 klonopin, a toporal, half a celexa, my calcium, and about a third of that bottle of malibu rum in the freezer. If anyone wants to know what I ate, it was pretzels & gatorade. Let's just say it's a low point for me right now. I already feel like vomitting. Pain level for my hip is about a 7, knee is a 3.
Any other info about me can be found in any of the yearly labelled boxes around my apartment or in my storage shed at my aunt's house. Unfortunately, you probably won't find anything shocking or interesting. For that, I'm sorry.
Please make sure my girls (who should remain together, be that they're sisters), my mom's ashes, and my Allie cat are appropriately cared for. My pictures - fuck 'em - they're memories. Memories I don't even care about anymore.
I love you guys, and I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could have been a better me. Tell my kids I love them - Erica, Shelby, Austin & Braxton - you were the reason for my every existence. But you're growing up now, and you're all intelligent and beautiful - I know you'll be ok. Just remember that your Jimmy loves you, and I always will. Grammy, Amy, Gordon, Mark and Diane - I could never really express what you guys meant to me. This family...the distance has been so hard on me. But coming home would have been even harder. Mom and Aaron were there. And of course, Phil was here. All my adult life, I've felt lost, with very little direction or discipline. I love my mom more than anything in the world, but she never gave me appropriate guidance, helping me to segues into a healthy adult life. My life only existed within her boundaries. And that's fucked me up my entire life. No matter - I'd never have chosen another mother. Not a whole lot of people really understand me. Not even me.
Sean and Heather were my friends - my true friends. Heather was my best friend. She was one of my substitute moms. There were so many times when I was in pain, that she'd just wrap me up in one of her quilts and just hug me and let me cry it out. We grew apart when her kids were born. But no matter - she was always there. She supported me when I thought I had no one else. There are people who have been here for me, people I've neglected to mention, and I'm sorry, but my coherency is fading fast. There aren't words in the world that can explain my people. Beyond perfection. Beyond caring. Beyond luck. They were my people, and I couldn't have asked for anything more, but to be a better person myself. I'm so sorry. And I love you all. There are times I cry myself to sleep, thinking about how I feel my heart will burst from how much I love everyone.
This will be one of those nights.
Thank you for loving me. Please forgive my indiscretions.
6.22.2007
6.21.2007
Back Me Up
I'm in the market for a new template for my blag.
Let me know if you have any ideas.
I'm leaning towards dandelions - but I dunno. You know how I am - complete commitaphobe.
Also, check out my new "Stop Puppy Mills" banner - please click to sign the petition, or visit HSUS - Stop Puppy Mills! to find out more. There are even tips on finding responsible and compassionate breeders, if you're looking for a specific breed of dog.
Our Jezzy girl came from Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue, which covers North and South Carolina. It was quite a drive to pick her up, but I'd fly all the way across the world for her, if I had to!
Always research and take responsibility!
Let me know if you have any ideas.
I'm leaning towards dandelions - but I dunno. You know how I am - complete commitaphobe.
Also, check out my new "Stop Puppy Mills" banner - please click to sign the petition, or visit HSUS - Stop Puppy Mills! to find out more. There are even tips on finding responsible and compassionate breeders, if you're looking for a specific breed of dog.
Our Jezzy girl came from Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue, which covers North and South Carolina. It was quite a drive to pick her up, but I'd fly all the way across the world for her, if I had to!
Always research and take responsibility!
6.14.2007
up late & bored
Ow.
It's 2:45 vormittags, and I'm wide awake. Thank God I have another 2 weeks off. I swear I didn't think my rehab would take this long. I mean, it has only been 10 days. Today, I was bitching on the way out to the car that my leg still wasn't strong enough. Heather was like, "Would you shut up? You just saw the doctor 10 MINUTES AGO." Fine, fine.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm a horrible patient?
And, I just noticed that my hair is getting really long again. At first, I wanted to keep the length and go completely red, but now I just want to cut it and bleach it all through, but I'm not sure yet. I haven't decided. It's got to be interesting enough, though, that I'll dig it. I don't like having boring hair. I can't believe I'm up at 3 por la mañana researching freaking hair.
God, my knee is killing me. Dr Stannard gave me tramadol to take in place of the lortab, so I'll have to see if that helps my stomach any. Oh yeah, I haven't updated a whole lot, but the bottom line is that my reflux has started acting up and almost killed me since my ER visit on Saturday. Who the hell knows what THAT means. It's like, every time I have surgery, I always have these "complications" that pop up, that don't have ANYTHING to do with my surgery. That's great. That's so me.
*Gak* Even now, I'm burping up stomach acids. Mmmmm....makes me want to eat a weenie with onions and follow that with a big glass of warmed buttermilk.
Crap. And there's nothing on tv at all. Why wouldn't they consider this prime television time? I mean, what about all the insomniacs? Why push them aside? Do they not need entertainment as well?
Ok, I'm really reaching to find things to talk about, so I'd better wrap this up. Thus has been my life for the past 8-10 days. Pain meds do not make me happy. I'd never function well as a druggie. I'm still squeamish about sticking patients. The first patient I ever stuck was for an IVP, and I passed out ON her and hit my head on the x-ray tube. I try to leave the sticking to the pros.
God, I'll be glad to go back to work. I could never not have a job for a living, because I'm way too easily deterred and lazed by these periods of inactivity. When I worked 7on/7off, the 7 off was awesome for doing stuff, but going back to those 10 hours days on that 7 on made you want to kill people by the second day.
Ok, 3 diphenhydramines later, imma lay down again - see if I can possibly sleep while it's dark at all. Sun comes up in a couple of hours, and with the weather the way it's been, it heats my room like a sauna. So, I've been dragging into the hallway or the kitchen in the middle of the day.
Nothing like waking up with Raisin Bran in your shorts and cat food in your hair.
It's 2:45 vormittags, and I'm wide awake. Thank God I have another 2 weeks off. I swear I didn't think my rehab would take this long. I mean, it has only been 10 days. Today, I was bitching on the way out to the car that my leg still wasn't strong enough. Heather was like, "Would you shut up? You just saw the doctor 10 MINUTES AGO." Fine, fine.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm a horrible patient?
And, I just noticed that my hair is getting really long again. At first, I wanted to keep the length and go completely red, but now I just want to cut it and bleach it all through, but I'm not sure yet. I haven't decided. It's got to be interesting enough, though, that I'll dig it. I don't like having boring hair. I can't believe I'm up at 3 por la mañana researching freaking hair.
God, my knee is killing me. Dr Stannard gave me tramadol to take in place of the lortab, so I'll have to see if that helps my stomach any. Oh yeah, I haven't updated a whole lot, but the bottom line is that my reflux has started acting up and almost killed me since my ER visit on Saturday. Who the hell knows what THAT means. It's like, every time I have surgery, I always have these "complications" that pop up, that don't have ANYTHING to do with my surgery. That's great. That's so me.
*Gak* Even now, I'm burping up stomach acids. Mmmmm....makes me want to eat a weenie with onions and follow that with a big glass of warmed buttermilk.
Crap. And there's nothing on tv at all. Why wouldn't they consider this prime television time? I mean, what about all the insomniacs? Why push them aside? Do they not need entertainment as well?
Ok, I'm really reaching to find things to talk about, so I'd better wrap this up. Thus has been my life for the past 8-10 days. Pain meds do not make me happy. I'd never function well as a druggie. I'm still squeamish about sticking patients. The first patient I ever stuck was for an IVP, and I passed out ON her and hit my head on the x-ray tube. I try to leave the sticking to the pros.
God, I'll be glad to go back to work. I could never not have a job for a living, because I'm way too easily deterred and lazed by these periods of inactivity. When I worked 7on/7off, the 7 off was awesome for doing stuff, but going back to those 10 hours days on that 7 on made you want to kill people by the second day.
Ok, 3 diphenhydramines later, imma lay down again - see if I can possibly sleep while it's dark at all. Sun comes up in a couple of hours, and with the weather the way it's been, it heats my room like a sauna. So, I've been dragging into the hallway or the kitchen in the middle of the day.
Nothing like waking up with Raisin Bran in your shorts and cat food in your hair.
6.13.2007
A positive, overly-dramatic, codependent, ESTP...and you are?
I just got my blood donor card in the mail. For the first time in my 29 years of life, I now know that I am:
A Positive
This means I can donate to:
A Positive
This means I can donate to:
- A Positive
- AB Positive
- A Positive
- A Negative
- O Positive
- O Negative
According to the Red Cross website (http://www.givelife2.org/aboutblood/bloodtypes.asp), my blood type is the second most common in caucasians.
Here are some other interesting blood facts:
- Positive blood can receive Positive or Negative blood.
- You have to match type A with A and B with B.
- O is neutral, so it can be donated to anyone.
- AB+ can receive any kind of blood, it is a Universal Receiver.
- O- can be donated to anyone, it is a Universal Donor.
Also, I assume that because I received the card in the mail, that my blood was in no way tainted. Not that I thought it was - it's just one of those things that can make you hold your breath for a minute.
Just thought I'd put it here, because I know in less than 13 hours, I will have forgotten. Also, I think it's cool because I have a card.
"It's ok! I'm a blood donor! A+!"
Also, just to mark this momentous occasion, I went to the doc today, and they hooked me up with the TROM brace. My knee still feels like a tiny noodle kitty leg or something. But I did make it out to the mailbox in my brace and only one crutch, so that's pretty awesome. It took for-freaking-ever, but I did it. And, I only tripped once. As for inside the apartment, well...that's another story...land mines everywhere. I've only nearly killed myself, falling over these damn crutches, at least 3 times a day. Plus, no matter where I prop them, the earth has an extremely strong gravitational pull on them. Otherwise, my head has a magnet in it.
Ok, I just attempted to raise my leg, to straighten it out, like I've been doing all day, since I've had this ridiculous thing on, and I actually made a noise...out of my mouth. Not my knee. So, I better go take some drugs. I'm having to actively switch positions to get comfortable, and that's not a good sign.
Will update more soon. Still no pics - soon, though.
6.12.2007
Regina Spektor - Fidelity
This is so frustrating to me, hearing this great stuff, knowing only that there's more out there just like it...or better.
If you've ever been in love or ever been me, you'll totally understand this song. Plus, the music is incredibly simple, but so fitting. The video is just as beautiful.
Regina Spektor - Fidelity
(Shake it up)
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Well, it breaks my heart
And suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall
All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Lots of things break my heart. I'm an emotional person. Always have been - always will be.
What breaks my heart is that I can't always be who I want to be. I can't take back the horrible things I've done. I'm forced to live with guilt of which I can't let go. Why is that? Even now, my stomach is in knots, thinking about being in the arms of the person that I love, despite our differences. How much do you have to push? How much should you give up? How many roads should a person travel? At what point do you stop being yourself and just become an extension of someone else?
Does any of this even matter as long as you're happy?
If you've ever been in love or ever been me, you'll totally understand this song. Plus, the music is incredibly simple, but so fitting. The video is just as beautiful.
Regina Spektor - Fidelity
(Shake it up)
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Well, it breaks my heart
And suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall
All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Lots of things break my heart. I'm an emotional person. Always have been - always will be.
What breaks my heart is that I can't always be who I want to be. I can't take back the horrible things I've done. I'm forced to live with guilt of which I can't let go. Why is that? Even now, my stomach is in knots, thinking about being in the arms of the person that I love, despite our differences. How much do you have to push? How much should you give up? How many roads should a person travel? At what point do you stop being yourself and just become an extension of someone else?
Does any of this even matter as long as you're happy?
6.10.2007
Leaving home, again
Okey doke. Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm headed out to my grandmother's house, to let her take care of me for a bit. I managed to, in a fit of drug-induced, pain-free rage clean my house last night, or at least pick up everything that I had messed up when I got home, stopped feeling well, and stopped using garbage cans.
I feel ok, now, but I'm still having some of those weird stomach pains from last night. I just have to be really careful about what I take, when and with what. See, I haven't really talked a lot about my visits, because I can't stand to sit in this chair for extended amounts of time. And, I'm still not going to do it. But the ER doc from last night, Dr. Bowen, gave me this stuff that I can take every 8 hrs, called Levsin, and apparently that's what's helping with my severe stomach spasms. I've still got 2 hours till I can take it next, and believe you me, I'm counting them down.
This stuff is so bad, it gets in my arms and stuff, and it feels almost like I'm having a heart attack. And to those of you who automatically google the terms "drama queen" and "hypochondriac" when I say that, screw you. This shit hurts so badly, that's why I started panicking so much yesterday, when it WOULDN'T STOP. It's all up under my rib cage, it makes me nauseated, it runs around to my back and into my arms. So bite me. I didn't MAKE it do this. It just hurts like hell, and there's nothing I can do to control it. This is the first time I've ever felt anything like this. I have reflux, and I know exactly what that feels like, and this is NOTHING like reflux. It's like 5000x worse.
I almost wish they would have kept me in the hospital, because I don't know how long this is supposed to last, or if this is just some new, undiscovered, latent disease trying to stay dormant for my 30th birthday. Frigging goodie. And for me to WANT to stay in the hospital...that's a pretty big deal. It just gets so bad, and I can't control it, can't make it stop, can't turn it down, and it just burns and hurts and sears my insides. At least when they'd give me that dilaudid, the med would hit me almost immediately and squelch that burning sensation.
I guess hell has changed it's address. Now all bad people go to my stomach.
Ok, I have to go pack. I don't know how long I'm going to be out there, but I'm really terrified to be away from the hospital. At least I have this magic medicine - the Levsin. I don't have to pack big, though. It's not like I've been changing clothes or bathing or anything. *sigh* But I have my recheck on Wednesday, which I'm totally stoked about. As it turns out, I'm pretty sure he's going to have to put me in rehab, because my leg no longer functions of it's own volition. It just sort of dangles there, looking stupid. I can walk without my crutch, and I try to sometimes, because I don't want it to be completely useless when it turns out I'm actually going to need it after all.
All this for a damn kneecap. Just so you know, I told him to take the whole stupid thing out. He just kept mumbling something about "important" and "functions as a fulcrum," yadda, yadda, yadda - you know how doctors are.
I feel ok, now, but I'm still having some of those weird stomach pains from last night. I just have to be really careful about what I take, when and with what. See, I haven't really talked a lot about my visits, because I can't stand to sit in this chair for extended amounts of time. And, I'm still not going to do it. But the ER doc from last night, Dr. Bowen, gave me this stuff that I can take every 8 hrs, called Levsin, and apparently that's what's helping with my severe stomach spasms. I've still got 2 hours till I can take it next, and believe you me, I'm counting them down.
This stuff is so bad, it gets in my arms and stuff, and it feels almost like I'm having a heart attack. And to those of you who automatically google the terms "drama queen" and "hypochondriac" when I say that, screw you. This shit hurts so badly, that's why I started panicking so much yesterday, when it WOULDN'T STOP. It's all up under my rib cage, it makes me nauseated, it runs around to my back and into my arms. So bite me. I didn't MAKE it do this. It just hurts like hell, and there's nothing I can do to control it. This is the first time I've ever felt anything like this. I have reflux, and I know exactly what that feels like, and this is NOTHING like reflux. It's like 5000x worse.
I almost wish they would have kept me in the hospital, because I don't know how long this is supposed to last, or if this is just some new, undiscovered, latent disease trying to stay dormant for my 30th birthday. Frigging goodie. And for me to WANT to stay in the hospital...that's a pretty big deal. It just gets so bad, and I can't control it, can't make it stop, can't turn it down, and it just burns and hurts and sears my insides. At least when they'd give me that dilaudid, the med would hit me almost immediately and squelch that burning sensation.
I guess hell has changed it's address. Now all bad people go to my stomach.
Ok, I have to go pack. I don't know how long I'm going to be out there, but I'm really terrified to be away from the hospital. At least I have this magic medicine - the Levsin. I don't have to pack big, though. It's not like I've been changing clothes or bathing or anything. *sigh* But I have my recheck on Wednesday, which I'm totally stoked about. As it turns out, I'm pretty sure he's going to have to put me in rehab, because my leg no longer functions of it's own volition. It just sort of dangles there, looking stupid. I can walk without my crutch, and I try to sometimes, because I don't want it to be completely useless when it turns out I'm actually going to need it after all.
All this for a damn kneecap. Just so you know, I told him to take the whole stupid thing out. He just kept mumbling something about "important" and "functions as a fulcrum," yadda, yadda, yadda - you know how doctors are.
Kiss my drama-queen ass
Another quickie -
Ended up in the ER late this afternoon with the worst stomach pains imaginable. I'm out now, though, and I'm feeling world's better.
I'll try to update all this soon. Can't stay in my chair right now, though - dilaudid making everything blurry.
Ended up in the ER late this afternoon with the worst stomach pains imaginable. I'm out now, though, and I'm feeling world's better.
I'll try to update all this soon. Can't stay in my chair right now, though - dilaudid making everything blurry.
6.08.2007
Lortab reporting
Brief post -
I had my surgery. I've been spending the last days, recouping at various houses, but I'm home now.
As for this very second, I'm in some killer-ass pain. I was kicking, when I first got out of the hospital, but now, the high has worn off, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.
I just need to thank my aunt for doing all that she's done for me this week. She's driven to Birmingham every single day this week, just to help me out, and I can't thank her enough! And thanks to the kids for coming over and entertaining me and taking care of me while I was down. It seems like I've only gotten worse, but I'm just not used to not being able to get around on my own. That, and I'm still in this straight-leg brace for another 5 days. And I need a shower.
Right now, I'm just going to let the lortab do the work, and I'm laying down. I'm freaking exhausted from recovering...
Ps. I just had my first post-surgical depression breakdown. Jammy hooked one of her claws into the hip where I had surgery. OMFG. If I don't die from cat-scratch, I may drown from my own tears. Just in case you didn't get me the first time, I'm fucking hurting.
I had my surgery. I've been spending the last days, recouping at various houses, but I'm home now.
As for this very second, I'm in some killer-ass pain. I was kicking, when I first got out of the hospital, but now, the high has worn off, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.
I just need to thank my aunt for doing all that she's done for me this week. She's driven to Birmingham every single day this week, just to help me out, and I can't thank her enough! And thanks to the kids for coming over and entertaining me and taking care of me while I was down. It seems like I've only gotten worse, but I'm just not used to not being able to get around on my own. That, and I'm still in this straight-leg brace for another 5 days. And I need a shower.
Right now, I'm just going to let the lortab do the work, and I'm laying down. I'm freaking exhausted from recovering...
Ps. I just had my first post-surgical depression breakdown. Jammy hooked one of her claws into the hip where I had surgery. OMFG. If I don't die from cat-scratch, I may drown from my own tears. Just in case you didn't get me the first time, I'm fucking hurting.
6.06.2007
Post-Operative Thanks
Post-surgical greetings to everyone! I'm fully and completely under the influence of lortab, delaudid, morphine and percocet, so I shouldn't be expected to make any important decisions for the next couple of weeks.
Just a very brief update to let you know that I did make it through surgery. In fact, everyone kept commenting on how pleasant I was, and when I woke up in recovery, I was laughing, joking, smiling and hugging everyone! Unfortunately, I can't remember much past them wheeling me into the OR. Apparently, I called Heather several times to let her know that I was ok. And my boss. And some other people. And to those of you who have received repeated affirming conversations, I am sorry.
As for the stay in my hospital, that left A LOT to be desired, but I'll go into full detail about that later. I'm about to get a DUI by Shelby, though, if I don't go upstairs and go to bed soon. Stay tuned, though, because we have some really disgusting pictures to take. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone heeded my request to take pictures during my surgery, which is a disappointment to me. But no one really gets the fact that we're that whole "we take pictures of EVERYTHING" kind of family. I mean, for krab's sake, I posted a picture of the underwear I was wearing to surgery.
But also, I'd like to mention that I have several HUNDRED of people to thank. My family, of course, for being here for me, and just hanging out and making me feel better. This includes Amy, Mark, Shelby, Austin, Braxton and Erica. My aunt Diane even brought my grandmother, my cousin Katy, and her son Micah, to see me after surgery yesterday. That was a pleasant surprise.
Of course, I have to thank Heather for letting us close in and take over her house while she's gone. I know she feels terrible for not being here, but just the fact that she's offering her house, so we won't have to stay at my crappy apartment...well, SHE knows what that means to me, so that's good enough. Plus, I know she's going to totally dote over me when she gets back, so I'm looking forward to that! LMAO! I love you so much, HJ!
My friend Honey Lee Longgrear has also played a huge part in my recovery process. Not only did she offer me up at church to be prayed over, but she's visited me both days, has called to check up on me, and even brought me a present today! She has a lot going on in her own life, since she's about to get married. So, for her to use her time to visit me and make sure I'm well taken care of means more than I can even properly express.
And of course, thank you to all the people who have called me or stopped by to visit. If I miss a name, PLEASE know that I can't even remember if I went to the restroom 5 minutes ago:
Lynn Kilgore, Chris Cumbest, Stella Daniell, Terri Bayles, Carolyn Johnson, Martha Martin, Kristi Weathers, Sheryl Sheppard, Danny Cope, Donna Martin, Paula Buchanan, Paul Watkins...ohhhh crap, see? I already know I'm leaving a WHOLE bunch of people out. I'M SORRY, PEOPLE!!!!!
I do have to set aside a special thanks to my OR team - Marti Reece worked my case, Wendy Davis circulated my room, and Gary Powell was my CRNA, and he did a hell of a job. Chris Johnson helped Dr. James Stannard, and just so you know, even though I'm bruised from ankle to hip, they did a great job, especially closing. ALL my stitches are internal, and it looks fabulous. The scar on my knee is about as long as your middle finger, and the one of my hip is about half that size. Seth Rosenzweig, my discharging resident, said the bruising on my hip is a little more than usual and looks like it was developing a good-size hematoma, but to keep an eye on it, and if it gets any bigger, I'm to come back in.
As for the hospital experience itself, well...THAT left a LOT to be desired, but I'll touch on that later. It's a little after 2a, and I've taken my second dose of loritab, so I really need to lay down and work that ice again. It actually feels good, because like I told the kids, my hip aches, but it feels like someone's built a tiny campfire on my kneecap. It's to be expected, though. All-in-all, having just been through somewhat major surgery, I feel FANTASTIC!!!! I'm so glad it's over with, and I wasn't the least bit nervous. I knew that God would take care of me, and I knew that all my people were professional and intelligent enough to do the right things to take special care of me, and I really appreciate that. My OR experience was phenomenal, and I'm so lucky to work with such a great group of people!
Thank you to everyone!!!!!! I appreciate every, single one of you, and have given you all special thought. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you! I hope I can exceed everyone's expectations from now on as an exemplary employee, as well as a friend to those who need me.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay tuned for really gross pics, a much more detailed description of my overnight visit to my hospital, and why I'll probably never go back...
Just a very brief update to let you know that I did make it through surgery. In fact, everyone kept commenting on how pleasant I was, and when I woke up in recovery, I was laughing, joking, smiling and hugging everyone! Unfortunately, I can't remember much past them wheeling me into the OR. Apparently, I called Heather several times to let her know that I was ok. And my boss. And some other people. And to those of you who have received repeated affirming conversations, I am sorry.
As for the stay in my hospital, that left A LOT to be desired, but I'll go into full detail about that later. I'm about to get a DUI by Shelby, though, if I don't go upstairs and go to bed soon. Stay tuned, though, because we have some really disgusting pictures to take. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone heeded my request to take pictures during my surgery, which is a disappointment to me. But no one really gets the fact that we're that whole "we take pictures of EVERYTHING" kind of family. I mean, for krab's sake, I posted a picture of the underwear I was wearing to surgery.
But also, I'd like to mention that I have several HUNDRED of people to thank. My family, of course, for being here for me, and just hanging out and making me feel better. This includes Amy, Mark, Shelby, Austin, Braxton and Erica. My aunt Diane even brought my grandmother, my cousin Katy, and her son Micah, to see me after surgery yesterday. That was a pleasant surprise.
Of course, I have to thank Heather for letting us close in and take over her house while she's gone. I know she feels terrible for not being here, but just the fact that she's offering her house, so we won't have to stay at my crappy apartment...well, SHE knows what that means to me, so that's good enough. Plus, I know she's going to totally dote over me when she gets back, so I'm looking forward to that! LMAO! I love you so much, HJ!
My friend Honey Lee Longgrear has also played a huge part in my recovery process. Not only did she offer me up at church to be prayed over, but she's visited me both days, has called to check up on me, and even brought me a present today! She has a lot going on in her own life, since she's about to get married. So, for her to use her time to visit me and make sure I'm well taken care of means more than I can even properly express.
And of course, thank you to all the people who have called me or stopped by to visit. If I miss a name, PLEASE know that I can't even remember if I went to the restroom 5 minutes ago:
Lynn Kilgore, Chris Cumbest, Stella Daniell, Terri Bayles, Carolyn Johnson, Martha Martin, Kristi Weathers, Sheryl Sheppard, Danny Cope, Donna Martin, Paula Buchanan, Paul Watkins...ohhhh crap, see? I already know I'm leaving a WHOLE bunch of people out. I'M SORRY, PEOPLE!!!!!
I do have to set aside a special thanks to my OR team - Marti Reece worked my case, Wendy Davis circulated my room, and Gary Powell was my CRNA, and he did a hell of a job. Chris Johnson helped Dr. James Stannard, and just so you know, even though I'm bruised from ankle to hip, they did a great job, especially closing. ALL my stitches are internal, and it looks fabulous. The scar on my knee is about as long as your middle finger, and the one of my hip is about half that size. Seth Rosenzweig, my discharging resident, said the bruising on my hip is a little more than usual and looks like it was developing a good-size hematoma, but to keep an eye on it, and if it gets any bigger, I'm to come back in.
As for the hospital experience itself, well...THAT left a LOT to be desired, but I'll touch on that later. It's a little after 2a, and I've taken my second dose of loritab, so I really need to lay down and work that ice again. It actually feels good, because like I told the kids, my hip aches, but it feels like someone's built a tiny campfire on my kneecap. It's to be expected, though. All-in-all, having just been through somewhat major surgery, I feel FANTASTIC!!!! I'm so glad it's over with, and I wasn't the least bit nervous. I knew that God would take care of me, and I knew that all my people were professional and intelligent enough to do the right things to take special care of me, and I really appreciate that. My OR experience was phenomenal, and I'm so lucky to work with such a great group of people!
Thank you to everyone!!!!!! I appreciate every, single one of you, and have given you all special thought. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you! I hope I can exceed everyone's expectations from now on as an exemplary employee, as well as a friend to those who need me.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay tuned for really gross pics, a much more detailed description of my overnight visit to my hospital, and why I'll probably never go back...
6.04.2007
Sayonara, folks!
Alrighty, this is about as clean as I've ever been in my life.
I'm getting ready to lay down, but we're getting up about 430a, to head to the horsepital. My family is here, and we've had fun just bumming around on my last day...alive.
Just kidding. I'm ok. I'm not even worried. I AM a little keyed up, so I had to take some benadryl to make me sleepy. Just waiting for that to kick in. But me and the boys are about to go lay down in the living room and watch tv. The girls are sleeping in the downstairs, and Mark and Amy are sleeping in Heather and Lee's room. Heather called just a few minutes ago to wish me luck and let me know that they're all settled in at the townhouse in St. Simon's. I MISS HER ALREADY!!!
Ok, so this is my last post with "bug knee." The next time I talk to you guys, I will have a real knee!!! I'm so frigging excited. This is a pivotal point in my life, so I'm really looking forward to the change it's going to bring, physically.
As usual, everything else requires tons of constant surveillance.
Oh, well.
Scalpel....
I'm getting ready to lay down, but we're getting up about 430a, to head to the horsepital. My family is here, and we've had fun just bumming around on my last day...alive.
Just kidding. I'm ok. I'm not even worried. I AM a little keyed up, so I had to take some benadryl to make me sleepy. Just waiting for that to kick in. But me and the boys are about to go lay down in the living room and watch tv. The girls are sleeping in the downstairs, and Mark and Amy are sleeping in Heather and Lee's room. Heather called just a few minutes ago to wish me luck and let me know that they're all settled in at the townhouse in St. Simon's. I MISS HER ALREADY!!!
Ok, so this is my last post with "bug knee." The next time I talk to you guys, I will have a real knee!!! I'm so frigging excited. This is a pivotal point in my life, so I'm really looking forward to the change it's going to bring, physically.
As usual, everything else requires tons of constant surveillance.
Oh, well.
Scalpel....
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