You suck at talking.

I'm done squalling my eyes out...for now.

So, I went to see my doc today about my knee, and as it SO FANTASTICALLY turns out, I'm almost 99% guaranteed to have to have surgery again at the beginning of the year.

Like I said, I'm done crying for now.

My knee has REALLY been bugging me. Like worse than in a long, long time. I figured it was weather, or healing, or something retarded, and I was just being a weenie, although I really haven't said much of anything to anyone, until really recently. People would catch me limping and be like, "Hey, what th..." "Yeah, it's just achy today. It's probably gonna rain." The thing is, when I start limping, it's usually KILLING me. It's been hurting pretty solidly for the past month or so. But I just figured I'd dismiss it until my follow-up.

I went in today about 730a and had them take my x-rays, because I knew I'd be super-busy in surgery and probably not able to make it over there right at 230p or whatever. I looked at the pictures, and my heart just fell. It didn't look ANY different than the pictures we took 2 months ago. But I thought, 'maybe he'll see something I'm not, and everything will be cool.'

Yeah - not quite, Pollyanna.

When I finally made it over there at 345p for my actual appointment, he came in my room, and said, "Jennifer, come look at this with me."

Uh oh. I know I'm a tech and all, but even his tone didn't sound encouraging.

So, we walk out to the monitor and he asks me if I'm having any pain - I said "immense." He then launches into the fact that it's not doing anything...at all. It looks EXACTLY the same as two months ago: the graft hasn't taken (and has virtually been absorbed back into my body or worn away), the bone hasn't fused, the space in between the two pieces are almost exactly the same width as before. He said that he wouldn't be as concerned if I wasn't having any pain, but the fact that it's killing me has him worried. I said, "Dr. Stannard, I swear I've done everything you've told me to do! I haven't taken NSAIDS, I haven't been active with it AT ALL, my life has pretty much come to a standstill." I didn't tell him this, but I've stopped taking any pain medication at all for it, because I'm terrified it was somehow psychosomatic - no dice.

He said he wasn't at all worried that I wasn't doing what I wasn't supposed to be. He said that since it's been three months, it should be looking like something, and I should be experiencing incredible relief, but it's pretty much had the opposite effect. He said the articular surface of my knee (the back part that actually touches my knee guts) looks smooth and clean - from that aspect, you can't even tell it's broken (ok, except for the giant screw).

So, I just laid my head in my hands and told him to start giving me my options.

First, he said we could go back in, just take out the broken piece and be done with it, but there's no guarantee that my pain would subside. Besides, he doesn't want to just chuck a giant piece of my knee in the garbage, and frankly, neither do I. He said that it's actually big enough that if removed, it could possibly cause problems for my lateral patellar ligament later on in life. Figures.

The second option was to go back in (why not?) and actually use the super-expensive rh BMP (recombinant human bone morphogenic protein) that insurance said I couldn't use the first time around, because it had to be on a failed attempt. Well, here's your failed attempt, assholes. This stuff is actually like supercharged bone that works really well at promoting bone growth and healing fractures. But, he said, instead of doing the RIA (reamer-irrigator-aspirator) on my hip, which I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle again, he said we could just use allograft in place of that. Allograft is basically cadaver bone.

A dead chick's bone as opposed to drilling into the core of my femur, leaving me with the world's biggest ass-bruise and the potential to predict oncoming storms like the frigging Channel 6 Weather-Tracker??? All I can say to that is bring it on.

I had almost sagged completely to the floor when he backpedaled a bit. He said, "Did we not use the bone stimulator on you?" I shook my head, with not much hope that this was going anywhere except under the knife. A bone stimulator is a little portable device that uses ultrasound waves to stimulate fractures to heal, but somehow sometimes works on non-healing fractures. He said that he wants to try me on a bone stimulator, for 25 minutes a day, for the next two months, to see if we can get this stupid thing to do something. I asked him how long does it normally take to be able to start seeing some action and he said that the two months should do it. That will put me into December, and if I come back, and still nothing has happened, then we'll have to go back in. So, I'll be able to make it to January and all my off-time will have renewed itself, so I can get it done right at the start of the year.

I can already see my New Year's resolutions:

• get out of bed
• take shower - standing up!
• call AA for morphine-withdrawal support
• brush teeth
• stop screaming for help from attic window - really starting to piss off neighbors
• change bed sheets (what IS that smell, anyway?)
• empty potty chair (oh...thaaat)

Of course, I don't HAVE to do any of this. But if I don't, there's a possibility that I'll just get so sick of it, that I'll wake up in the middle of the night and hack it off with a plastic spoon. That could cause some major stress and confusion in the morning to follow.

So, I talked to Wynne, Stannard's nurse, and she got me set up with the lady who's going to come fit me with the stimulator tomorrow. Then, I went and set up my follow-up appointment for December. Then, I got on the elevator and bawled my face off.

I'd just had such hopes for starting back at the gym and getting back on the treadmill, and now it's been postponed AGAIN, because of this stupid knee thing. I mean, who the hell knew a kneecap could HURT like this??!? &=( I'm incredibly upset. I'm not mad with Dr. Stannard - I know he knows what he's doing. I just don't think my knee was paying attention. This is ridiculous. Knees are ridiculous. Stairs are ridiculous. People who have to have a solitary bag for every one of their groceries are ridiculous.

Ahhh, I could go on, but I won't.

Oh, and as a sidenote, I had to watch Cinder for my surgeon-friend again, and he kept bugging the crap out of me about some kind of payment, and I told him just to leave me alone about it - I'm nearby, I wouldn't do it if I didn't want it. So, he came in to surgery this morning with a present for me! I opened it up, and it was a wooden duck! Actually, it's called a Dcuk, and it's a hand-carved in Indonesia out of renewable bamboo and recycled teak. I actually knew that from the first time I ever saw these things on the interblag. They also have individual names, and my baby dcuk's name is Ivan! &=D That was a nice gift to get for someone - I mean, I usually get crap like Chik-Fil-A coupons or fur-lined gloves or something. It's like, 'Hello? Do you know the first thing about me?'

I could go on about this subject (in more ways than one *wink*), but it's impractical.

Oh, and our DePuy rep, Sean, said his dog, Daisey, didn't come home last week, so I'd ask if he'd found her, and he said he did, but she had been hit by a car! &=( He was really sad about it and talked about what a sweet girl she was. That makes me sad. I said that I'd most definitely still be mourning and wearing black. I'm sorry, Sean and Daisey!!! &=(

Ok, I'm headed to bed. I'm exhausted, and I didn't make a point of getting in the bed on time tonight, because I was so upset. Tomorrow, hopefully...

Fortunately, the insurance with Rubbermaid is cheap - unless your container is red.

Ok, so today, I'm supposed to be cleaning house. I can't buh-LIEVE it's 8:30a, and I'm SO totally awake. I hate being awake in the daytime...or at night, for that matter. If they could make a job where sleeping fueled energy, I could fuel my own country.

I was just about to check out the site for the Bham zoo, because there are some ladies there who are doing a book signing for a children's book I heard about on NPR yesterday, in my 5 second drive home. I can't say that I LIKE the zoo, being the animal freak I am, but at least, um, they're not eating the animals. I was going to say at least they're not beating them, but I can't really vouch for that. Then again, I don't know what they did with that zebra that died. &=(

Friggin' great. Something else to lay awake and think about at night.

Ok, so let me tell you all the goodies I got the other day, on my massive shopping spree.

At Worst Buy:

Korn's latest untitled (CD)
Korn - See You on the Other Side (CD)
Spongebob - Friend or Foe? (DVD)
Scratches (computer game)
Belkin N1 Wireless USB Adapter (yay!)

At the B&N:

Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl
*already devouring it, and I haven't even made it to the first chapter - that's just the foreward!

Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith - Rob Bell
*really looking forward to reading - it's about how it's ok to question Christianity, as well as everything in life, not to ever accept anything with a grain of salt.

When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals - Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson & Susan McCarthy
*I can already tell I'm going to have a time of it, getting through this one - the cover of the book (two elephants with trunks entwined) makes me teary-eyed.

Dogs I Have Met and the People They Found - Ken Foster
along with The Dogs Who Found Me
*which I've already owned once, but I loaned it to someone and never got it back. This guy does tons of dog rescue, and it's incredibly convicting.

Silent Spring - Rachel Carson
*I've been meaning to pick this up for years, because this was written back in the 60's, not unlike Sinclair's The Jungle, and spurred an incredible environmental movement concerning our air, water and land (eg. the banning of DDT). The environment, being my other love besides animals, is always an interesting read.

I also picked up a couple of books on bartending:

Big Bad-Ass Book of Shots - Paul Knorr
*which is mainly what we can mix at the bar, shot-related drinks, even though we don't have HALF of what they talk about. *sigh*

International Bartender's Guide - Joseph Sora
*this is more cocktail, martini & non-alkie drinks, but I picked it up, because I'd like to take this bar thing a little farther.

The Ultimate A-to-Z Bar Guide - Sharon Tyler Herbst & Ron Herbst
*turns out, this one is a little more explanatory on what crap is, what this means, and just general know-how of overall bartending.

So, that's it. Sure, it may be a little extreme, but it's been a long while, since I've bought anything for myself. Oh man, let me tell you - I went to have dinner with my friend Dwane last night (thank you, Dwane, by the way - the food was awesome, and it was so great to have the first intelligent conversation I've had in weeks - let's go again soon!), and as I was almost home, I got to a stop light, hesitated briefly, then turned right. Out of freaking nowhere, here comes a cop, barrelling down on me, lights flashing and everything. I was about 3 blocks from home. I got all indignant and fussy, when I realized..."ho-ly shit. I forgot to renew my insurance."

Ok, those of you who don't know me and don't want to know, you might want to skip this part. When I get nervous, I get like super-overactive colon and almost immediately, I get diarrhea. I'm NOT kidding you, when I reached that epiphany, I could have filled the car. Disgusting, yes, and I'm sorry.

When he got to the car, I looked like a doe in headlights. I was trying not to betray my recent-found knowledge but failing miserably. In fact, I'm kinda surprised I wasn't screaming it out, as I ran from the car - "DON'T PULL ME OVER!!! I FORGOT TO RENEW MY INSURANCE!!!! JUST TAKE THE CAR AND LEAVE ME BE!!!!"

So, he comes up and we go through the motions:
"You know what you did was illegal, blah, blah, blah,"
"Sure, but not really, I do it all the time, blah, blah, blah."
"You could have caused a serious accident, etc, etc, etc."
"I highly doubt that, being that it's almost 2 in the morning, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Ok, that's not EXACTLY how the convo went, but if it would have, you have to admit, that would have been pretty friggin' cool. &=) I just yessir'd my way out of there, SOMEHOW. He ended up just "warning" me, which I almost had to pull over on the side of the road and puke, after I drove away. I thought, FOR SURE, I was a goner. Because of course, next week, I'm supposed to take my car into Rob-E-Man's for a complete overhaul - brakes, tires, belts, the works.

So, I would have basically had to wire tin cans to the bottom of a cardboard box and pray it didn't rain next week. Well, I guess I could have asked someone to spring for me one of those sweet rubbermaid numbers, and I would have just had to bail water all the way to work.

"Would the owner of the beige Rubbermaid 22 gallon Duratote please come move your vehicle? You're blocking the ambulance bay."

$400, and no drugs to show for it

Yo.

Guess who's moved up to the 21st century?

That's right - I gots the infraweb at my house - FINALLY.

Holy criz-ap, it's taken me short of an eon to get finances sorted out enough to where I can buy that little retarded wifi thing that goes in my computer, because I was too stupid to put it in the first time around. Jesus, living without a computer geek up your butt blows. I could have probably stuck my box fan outside the window and blown service in faster than what it's originally taken me.

Ok, so I spent almost $200 at Best Buy, then repeated the same mistake at Barnes & Noble. I can't help it. I'm a total whore for computer stuff & books. *drools* I keep telling myself I'm going to do better and not shop wholesale, but I can drive past a Books-a-Mil and nearly have a come-apart.

I made it through the Best Buy...alone...if anyone cares to note that. After having lived through being married to the "Geek Squad" transition (and being accused by his co-workers for being "queer"), I've gotten to where I loathe going anywhere near that place. Nothing against him, of course - just bad blood. But after having spent a good part of my childhood trapped within the walls of the Circuit City in Irondale, I have little to no desire to ever visit another one. Nothing personal, Mom - now that I'm an adult, I just can't stand the smell of that grey chemically-treated carpet and the simultaneous sounds of a toddler banging out-of-tune on a casio keyboard and a thumping car stereo any longer than I have to.

And, yes, I WILL update regularly. From now on. Until the earth falls into the black hole. Or my connection goes down. Which is both possible AND probable, even though I spent the extra $30 to get the N1, because it has a wider reception radius. Just because you spend more money doesn't make you any less stupid.

I love you guys. I have so fucking much to update on. AND, Anna! I finally get to add you onto my blog! My work computers are retarded, so I've had to wait to do this. Guys, I have a new friend - her name is Anna, and I adore reading her blog. She's so much like me, it's scary. If you like to read my random musings of nothingness, then you'll super-love hers, because I think hers make a bit more sense. She's very real and raw, and that's what I love about her. It's appropriately entitled "The Inconvenient Truth," although she does have another blog attached to her account called "The Depressed Nurse Writeth," that is also worth perusing.

And, Anna, I'm going to steal your "36 things" idea tomorrow, and write my own. I always hope I can learn more about me than my therapist can read on my face, the second I walk through the door.

I don't know who the hell reads this, but just between me and the keyboard, I sure as hell am glad to be back.

THIS is my therapy.

Artist Request

Ok, I'm looking for anyone who draws, but I'm looking for someone who draws WELL, not just someone who can color inside the lines. I have a specific drawing in mind, somewhat intricate, but it's actually going to be a silhouetted, two-person drawing, so the inside details are actually a moot point.

The thing is, I have an idea for a t-shirt, and of course, this will be commissioned, so I'll be more than happy to pay to have it done. So, anyone you know who draws, or if you draw, PLEASE send me some examples of the works, so I can see what I'm judging from. Again, I'm looking for people accomplished in the human form.

SPREAD THE WORD!!!! &=)

!!!SHE LIVES!!!

early afternoon

Hey! Ok, guys. I'm REALLY sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm still working on getting the www at the attic, and aside from that, I really haven't had time! I've been working at the hospital like a fiend on crack, then I've been sick, then working more - it's just been crazy!

And of course, there's crap that I can't post about, since more people are finding out I have a blog.

THEY KNOW.

And, I hate letting it fall by the wayside. Dammit! Why is this thing typing in italics?!? There. I already pushed the italics button once to make it stop, but I guess it didn't want to.

Lately...let's see, what's been going on lately? Well, last night, I was in surgery from 7a until about 8:30p, on and off, of course (oh, I needed the money, trust me). And, when we were wrapping up, my surgeon (Dr K) said, "Okay, we're going to get an AP and a lateral, then let Jennifer go, so she can go let my dog out!" So, I did my last two shots, then hauled ass to Hoover to let Cinder go tinkle and poopers. She was JUST ABOUT to jump through the window, she was so happy to see me, God love her! Then, she jumped in the car (she loves car rides with me, for some reason), we rode down to visit Heather, then I brought her back and came home.

I was exhausted!

But I'm a glutton for punishment, so I'm back today for more. Thankfully, we have a very light day today, because this afternoon, I'm going home to take a nice, long, hot shower and crash like a 747 (ooo, still too 9/11-ish? sorry).

Oh yeah, my boss' Chris' 40th birthday was yesterday, so we threw him a Wolverine party, since Tommy said that's his all-time favorite Marvel character. Tommy had the idea, Terri made all the arrangements and bought the cake and all the decorations, and I picked up the cake and put the party together - it was fanatical yesterday! We thought about doing the whole, "Lordy, lordy, look who's older than Jesus," but it just didn't seem right, since Chris is so...well, retarded. And, I took pics, and ONE DAY, if I can get my hard drive, my camera, and my usb all near a working computer at the same time, I'd LOVE to post pictures!

And, yes, yours truly has taken pictures of EVERYTHING, since I've gotten my new cam! A friend gave me his 512 mb card out of his phone, since he wouldn't be using it. I just have to remember to dump every time I'm home. I took like a hundred pictures of the girls the other day, just because I wanted to see how close I could get (yes, before I pissed them off). But it's an awesome little starter cam. It's not permanent, by any means. I need more power and a better res viewer. When it comes to tech stuff, I'm exactly like my mom. The more features, the more buttons, the more crap, the bigger the book, the better! Like my uncle Gordon says, though, the best camera is the one you have with you. This cam has already paid for itself a hundred times over, if in nothing else but by buying my happiness!!! &=D

I've got about 2 more weeks before I have enough saved up to get some movers, so Heather, tell Lee thank you for being so patient - I'll get my crap soooooon!!! In a couple of weeks, I'll be fully moved into the attic! I have so much crap to do, though, so I need to wrap this up. Oh yeah! My phone is back on! But it's still acting crazy, turning itself on and off all the time, so if you call me, I SWEAR I'm not ignoring you...unless you're a collection agency - then bite me. Money doesn't come out of thin air, no matter HOW MANY TIMES you ask me for it.

Ok, ok, going. I posted. Be glad of it. I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a really, really long time. If I could just find that missing piece, then I'd be ok. Ahhh, Rome wasn't dismantled in a day, and neither was I!

LOVE YOU GUYS! (except for the collection agencies - lemmee 'lone.)

Happy Birthday to MEEEE!!!

I have to post a quickie, just to thank Heather for my AWESOME birthday!

She and several of my friends all met us at the Iguana Grill in Hoover for a tiny celebration, and even though it was very last minute and everyone I had invited couldn't make it, I still had the time of my life!!!!!! Although, those of you who were invited were missed - by me!! &=(

People in attendance:
Heather Jimmerson, Sean Brown, Marti Reece, Honey Lee Walker, Chastity, Kim & David Plummer, and making a later appearance, John Kirchner.

I had my first frozen mango margarita, which was awesome! I'm normally a peach girl.

I brought my NEW CAMERA, which had enough ondeck storage space for, like, 5 pics. &=P But Chastity took pictures, so I'm hoping she'll be kind enough to email them, so I can share!

I had gone to take a picture of Heather's food, which looked so cute (I can't remember what it was), and when I depressed the button to take the picture, the little red eye light appeared to be sneaking in from behind one of her tortillas. She had this look of utter disbelief on her face, when Kimmy said, "What is it??" Then, the flash went off, and she realized what it was - she said, "Oh my God. I thought there were lights coming out of my food, and I was thinking, 'Man.......this place is AWESOME!!!!!' "

I was squealing and laughing so hard, I couldn't even breathe anymore!!!!!!! I LOVE THAT GIRL!!!!!!!!! THESE are the reasons that she and are total BFF! &=D I love you, Heather!

Later on, it started to pour rain {thanks to God, for making it rain on my birthday!!! &=) }, so everyone started to excuse themselves, to make haste to their cars. It was really coming down. Anyway, a couple of us went and played pool at Pub 261 afterwards, and I had a great time. I adore playing pool, even though I've lost many of my skills! &=( Boo!

I just wanted to thank everyone for coming and celebrating with me! I missed my family, immensely, but I asked off from the bar for next weekend, so I'm going to go out and spend it with them. I'm having withdrawals, as usual!

Ok, I have to go. I have mucho errands to run. I will post again, as soon as viably possible.

I love you guys so much!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the very bottom of my heart!!!!

UPDATE

I'm coughing so much, that an old lady heard me, and offered me an old, melty, deformed Vicks cough drop out of the bottom of her purse...AND I TOOK IT! It was so crusty that the wrapper wouldn't even come off. I had to rinse the wrapper off under a faucet.

I have a feeling I'm going to get even sicker when I read this later.

Blah. I never take candies from any old ladies' purses...except my grandmother. Because her stuff is safe. She's probably the only old lady I trust.

Also, I'm wearing a mask right now, and it's not because I've been in the OR.

It's actually to keep my lung from hurling out and landing on someone. That would be completely unsanitary. And, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want it back anyway.

I hate being sick.

Viva la Dextromethorphan

Morning: 9:30am

This has suddenly appeared on my "blocked site" at work:

To view sites in this category you must use quota time. You have 50 minute(s) of quota time remaining. Click the Use Quota Time button to start a 10 minute session for viewing this site and other sites in quota-limited categories.

I have no idea what the hell that means, but I'm posting this as fast as I possibly can.

There's so much crap I haven't been able to post because I'm out of internet. I've missed posting about the whole Michael Vick trial, my birthday is tomorrow (let's just let this one pass, unnoticed), I broke my toe, I'm really, really sick right now, but it's just a sinus infection gone "Viva La Revolucion" in my head to become a major head cold, which I think is now moving down into my chest, and many, MANY other things that need to be addressed.

My phone is TOTALLY dead right now, so if you have to get in touch with me, you can page me via the info I sent through email. If you didn't get one of those emails, then you probably don't need to page me. Or call me. You can email me, but I can't promise I'll respond, since I have no internet, except at work.

THIS SUX.

And, no, I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I already sat in the shower for 45 min yesterday, bawling my eyes out. Because I'm sick, because I miss my mom, because I'm old, because I'm fat, and because I'm alone. Please, for the sake of you AND your children, don't try to rebuke any of those, because I can guarantee to you that I'm not going to listen.

I went through with it and bought myself an $80 camera, which was already in the works when my phone went out. And, anyway, it's my money and my present to myself, so get off me. It's my present for being fat...and old. It should be getting here tomorrow, so I'm really glad about that. My next thing to save up for is getting those pics off that freaking fried drive of mine. I know I'm going to have to spend beaucoups (otherwise known as "bookoo" or "boocoo") money on that. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the next thing to eat my money will be my car. It's making this weird sound when I drive and brake, which I don't have to do lots of, thankfully.

Right now, I'm just trying to feel better. I actually haven't been this kind of sick in a long, long time, which has been nice. I just nitpick at every little thing, because there's nothing else going on in my life, which is totally awesome and makes for fun and interesting things to talk about at parties. ("Who is that weird, boring chick in the corner over there, hoarding the vegetable platter?")


So, I went binge drinking a couple of weeks ago, with some close friends. I would like to say that before you get all judgemental {first off, you might want to stop reading}, I don't have any kids (although my cats DO count, they're just more self-sufficient than most 1 and 3-year-olds), I was invited to do it (or rather instructed), I was completely coherent as to what I was doing, I've been incredibly depressed, and for God's sake, I'M TURNING 30. This age thing is not going over well with my psyche. Needless to say, I had a great time, even though I woke up at a person's house wearing no pants or shoes, that were both covered in vomit, out in the carport. I also vomited profusely in this person's car. My backside was covered in ant bites and my underpants had leaves in them. My dried vomit-covered hair had dead leaves all tangled in it. I had to actually take a pick in the shower with me, to pick through my hair, to get all the crap out - I then had to get a BROOM AND DUSTPAN to get all that crap off the shower floor.

I heard the story of "T'was the Night of Drinking," and frankly, I couldn't stop laughing. I'll have to see if I can get one of my friends to write me up a synopsis of what happened, and let me omit the names, because I don't know that they want to be associated with the likes of me. (Just kidding, girls!) Apparently, I was so entertaining that they actually took pictures. &=) One asked the other, "do you think this is mean, taking pictures?" The other responds, "Probably. But she would have wanted it this way." In the ones where I'm passed out, looking like a dead body on the side of the road, they actually got down in the pictures with me. And, I have to say, I would never have gone drinking with people who didn't totally love me enough to take care of me, purple panties, vomit-covered clothes and all. One of the girls said she hadn't had that much fun or laughed that hard in a long time - hey, you know me - always willing to entertain! &=)

Anyway, I think while we were sitting outside my house talking, and I was milling around on the porch, contemplating my next place for public urination, I must have fallen off and broken my toe. Because I woke up the next day, and my toe was black and blue and hurting like crazy. I puked and dry heaved to the point that I busted a HUGE vessel in my right eye, so that's gotten me LOADS of phone numbers.......to AA.


Ok, and just to let EVERYONE know, I've officially and legally gone back to my maiden name, which is "Braxton," for those of you who didn't know me pre-Harper. Mentally, it's been a good deal harder than I had originally thought it would be, giving up the "Harper" name. But coupled with the birthday thing, I think it's just a recipe for disaster, of which I have so many, I'm publishing a book! &=)

I've had this thing with change, since my mom died, where I just think that as long as things are constantly changing (usually by my hand), I won't get settled into any one thing and get comfortable, so that when it's taken away from me, I won't be able to deal. I think that's part of the reason I keep moving so much. I was doing it with jobs, too, but I kinda like this job. And, until I do get things sorted out (YES, I still want to join the Peace Corps), I would like to stay here, as long as they don't change the locks on me. I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to stop working here if they DID fire me. I'd be like Milton from Office Space - got fired and hasn't been paid in 3 months, but still showing up for work. All for the love of a stapler. Or in my case, a C-arm, of which cannot be purchased at the Office Depot.

So, I'm Jennifer Marie Braxton, once again.

I loathe being single.

But I refuse to shack up with a loser. Well, anyone who's more a loser than me.

Hey, I'm not a complete and TOTAL loser - I have now begun to recycle! More on that later, though.

Right now, this loser is going to find a trash can into which I can dump my mountain of gross, snotty tissues. If the whole, entire hospital isn't infected with this whatever I have, I'm going to be really surprised. I've tried to keep my mouth covered, keep my germs to myself, and wash my hands until they're bleeding, but you know how it is. I'm just about ready to snort a bottle of bleach to see if that will get rid of it. The common cold - the weenie of diseases.

Getting it together

Let me just get a few things clear:

*my cellphone is broke and only takes incoming calls and text msgs right now.

*i'm working my sweet arse off to make ends meet with bills, so if anyone knows of another job, NOT selling slaughtered animals or my soul to Beelzebub, PLEASE FILL ME IN.

*i'm working off a broke toe, a busted eye, a weak and useless knee, and infected sinuses (aka. no voice).

But guess what?

I'M CLEAN, MOTHER-FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will cross the threshold of 30 as a clean, disease-free woman!!!!

WHERE IS MY BAND AND TICKER-TAPE PARADE??!?!?

you guys are asses.

BUT I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freaking happy, I can't even express it, and I don't mean just because I don't have a voice. I mean, because it's been a hell of a trip to get here, and I don't EVER want to do it again! This has been fucked up. It's mainly been my fault, but come on. I think I can deal with a nice, long break right now.

Anyone know an intelligent, good-hearted, Christian, single, game/computer-savvy, nice-looking, all-around great guy, who wants a family and wouldn't mind following me into the Peace Corps? That's all I need to be content, and I swear I'll shut up.

*sigh*

Sounds SOOOO easy, right???

HA!!!!!!! &=D

I know it won't last, but I have to say it:

For one minute, it feels ok to be alive.

When does good turn bad?

Originally written: 8.17.07

1145a: Early afternoon

If you meet someone, and they meet most of your criteria but not all, when do you determine that it's enough?

For example:
I once met a guy who is a decent guy, nice, kind, hardworking, would have made an awesome father, loving husband, devoted and faithful partner...but he didn't believe in God.

Does that automatically negate everything about him that's good?

How to know when the universe hates you

Originally written: 8.17.07

1140a: Early Afternoon

You know how when you're trying desperately to get over someone, you see everything in the universe that can possibly remind you of that person?

Eg. Today I went to the clinic for a checkup, and I magically got a totally awesome parking spot on the street...next to Regions Bank.



Does anyone have a gun?

Animalcules

Originally written: 8.17.07

Early Morning

This weekend, I get to babysit one of our surgeon's doggies. Also, someone in the ER is trying to get me to take another baby kitty. They've almost broken me. AND, one of the nurses in the OR has a kitten that she's pretty sure is dying from starvation, but she insists that there's nothing she can do...so, I guess I'M going to have to go rescue it.

If I just had a farm...and money, I could take all these animals that no one wants.

*sigh*

The world is a bitter, cruel place sometimes.


an·i·mal·cule

1. A microscopic or minute organism, such as an amoeba or paramecium, usually considered to be an animal.
2. Archaic A tiny animal, such as a mosquito.

Return to sender

Originally written: 8.16.07

Early Afternoon

I'm so fussy this week. I don't mean to be. I don't think my meds are working. Unfortunately, I don't really care a whole lot to do anything about it, either.

I can't seem to alleviate these feelings of loneliness, no matter what I do. It's just hard to be alone, and then you tell someone, so they invite you to do something, and you're like, "I don't like being alone, but I don't want to hang out with you." It's nothing personal...well, for anyone but me anyway.

I just want to be allowed to not feel good, come home, and curl up with someone on the couch, and let them take care of me, while I feel crappy. I want that feeling that you get with someone, so that when they come around, you feel like all is right with the world. The whole world can be falling apart, but as long as you're with this person, everything is perfect.

I want to be able to be alone while being with someone. When you're with someone you care about more than anything in the world, there's no such thing as an awkward silence. There's just silence. And, it's ok to be quiet sometimes. You don't have to be interesting all the time. You don't have to talk nonstop all the time. Sometimes it's just good to sit and think and medidate on your thoughts and the fact that you appreciate the other person's presence.

Friends can't always provide that. No matter that they want to do something for you, there's always some deeper feeling that friends just can't touch. People can be there for you through so many things. But if you don't have someone to fill that particular deep-seated need, somehow, the whole of your life just seems so empty. It makes everything else in the world so much harder to bear. I wonder why that is...

There are cravings that my family satisfy, that my friends don't. Vice versa is also true. We're so different around so many people. Around my family, I feel more relaxed, knowing that they know me, know that I'm weak, know that I'm not perfect. Around some of my friends and my coworkers, though, I feel the need to entertain, be upbeat, be someone else. I think we all do that to an extent. I mean, if you don't, you get the whole "what's wrong with you today?" You can't just...BE. No one will let you. I feel like if I need you to know something, I'll tell you. I'm not the kind of person who walks around with a frown on my face, just begging for someone to ask me what's going on. But sometimes I truly am not myself.

I just feel so emotionally detached from the world right now. I don't know how many times I've actually written that statement. It's become so worn and cliche to me. But it's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. I feel like each person is a planet, orbiting around the sun, but somehow, me being a tiny little misshapen, dysfunctional planet, has somehow worked it's way out into a lonely, empty part of the galaxy, far, far away from the sun; it's really cold out here. There are no stars.

Various planets and suns come by and try to visit, but I guess I'm waiting to find another sun to warm up to...MY sun.

I wish I could stop hurting people, though. Why do I seem to do that? How can I take someone who cares so much about me and turn them into a collapsing star? Not that I have that much influence on anyone, mind you. I can just crush the LIFE out of anyone who tries to get close to me.

Note to self: ANOTHER reason to start back therapy...

It scares me. I'm one of the softest people I know. But when I feel consumed by someone, I think I start to feel out of control. It's so screwed up, because I WANT people to care about me, but when they do, I try to pull out all the reasons that they shouldn't. That, and I'm still terrified of getting left behind. So, I feel like I have to be first. I have to be the first one to pull away. I've always been like that. I don't want to be the one who's the last to know, the last to find out. I hate it when people stay in relationships when they're not happy. It seems so hurtful. I know - I've been there. I think. I don't even know what I feel anymore. All I want is to be completely honest to myself and to everyone else.

Honesty is hard, though. It's not always easier to be honest. You try to protect people by not being honest. Or to postpone the inevitable. It blows. I don't know that people are innately kind. There are people I've met that seem spat right out from hell itself. In fact, I'm having one of those days myself.

My mind is so cluttered with cobwebs and crap, but full of nothing substantial. I hate writing depressing stuff, but it's how I feel. I feel like I could just leave this world right now, because there's nothing here for me. I have no purpose. I have no one to miss me. I know friends and family will cry, but in time, they'll move on, as everyone does.

I'm just so tired, for nothing.
To be nothing.
And for nothing.
All of nothing.
To come from nothing -
and to end as nothing.

Perhaps I'll get sucked into another universe one day and find my sun. But here - there's nothing here for me - nothing here but a broken, scarred heart, that's finding it harder and harder to find reasons to keep beating. I wonder how much more I can possibly put it through, before it just gives up.




Your soul has been marked "Return to Sender."

Where's my handbasket?

Originally written: 8.15.07

Early Afternoon

I was talking about beliefs with a friend the other day, and she posed the question: "Do you think all gays and lesbians go straight to hell?" I briefly thought, since I've never asked myself that question, before I answered, "no. I don't think all gays and lesbians go straight to hell after death."

I've thought about this many times, and I've finally concluded that, while your sexual actions dictate a part of who you are (at the time) and the sins you commit, you can't actively control with whom you fall in love (which is completely different, obviously, from lust). I, myself, am not a lesbian, but of the friends that I've had who are either lesbian or gay, I can't see most of them going on to spend eternity in the damming fires of hell.

I believe that your sexual promiscuity will be a tic mark on your slate, just as any other sin: "speeding - sin; cheating on a test - sin; sleeping with a woman - sin." And, the Bible tells us that no sin is greater or less than another sin - all sins are equal. I understand that the whole point of asking for forgiveness is with the understanding that you won't perform that same mistake again. But, realistically, there's no one on earth who's perfect - I don't care WHO you are. (Incidentally, pride and narcissism are sins. Humility is much more becoming.) And, when we die, it's more than likely that we will have things for which haven't been forgiven. In comes the Day of Judgement. Only then, will you find out what God has written down for you. We will be held accountable for everything.

The Bible, unfortunately, has been rewritten and reinterpreted many, many times over the years. Also unfortunately, it's left up to humankind with our fallible, flawed and biased nature to decipher this material. People can claim impartiality, but there's always a part of them that's leaning one way or the other.

There are things that I'm still not decided on. It's nothing personal - it's just that I haven't experienced that situation or I have mixed emotions on the subject. I don't like having those undefined feelings, but the whole world isn't black and white. If you think it is, then it is. But you can't always make people see what you want them to see, no matter how badly you want them to believe something is right or wrong. Decisions based on experience are very valuable, good to share, but not always heeded.

That was a bit of a tangent. Sorry.

There are too many seriously flawed people in my life (including myself) that I'm still hoping to see on the other side. There are also people whose souls I've cried out for in the dark. Provided you're a good person, believe in God, and always try to do the right thing, I still think He might give you a fighting chance. After all, it's ultimately between you and Him, no matter how the world tries to force you to follow the rest of the lemmings.

Regression for transgression

I became a teenage dirtbag at 24, when I was no longer a teenager.

I fell in love for the first time, when I was 19. He was perfect, despite what many of you think. I lost my mother, but he and I still got married. I didn't understand how depression really affected a life. I also didn't really get how much help I truly needed, and I fought it. So, headfirst into the odds, I threw everything I had - my completely perfect life, yet muddled mind - into the woodchipper and lost everything. It was my fault - I'll never deny it. I'll also never forgive myself. I've tried, but I've always failed.

I fell in love again - this time, with a self-proclaimed and active atheist. I denied it for a long time. Once I stopped my rebuffing, though, I still couldn't iron out the dilemmas and incontrovertible complications that I would continue to have with this sole issue for the rest of my life. I managed to run him off, too.

I don't want to fall in love again. That's far too many people to "have loved" in your life. That's too many people to look back on. That's too many memories to have to sort through later on. Far too many pictures, too much evidence to have to burn to get on with your life.

I completely understand why people just marry Mr. Whoever/Ms. Right Now when they get older. I'd love nothing more than to find my "soulmate" - but I really don't anticipate that ever happening.

I don't know about the rest of the universe, but that makes me feel incredibly empty.

I'm turning 30 in a few days. In case you CAN'T tell, I've pretty much thrown up all road blocks and closed all avenues for a real relationship anymore. I don't foresee finding anyone as good as I've had in the past. I'm not trying to be the harbinger of doom or emo or whatnot - just realistic; grownup; whatever that means.

Sure, I know people who are older than me, who have found exactly what they've been searching for, later on in their lives. I don't see that being me. The kind of person I would discern for myself is already married/taken/dead.

I remember writing an essay in grade school, posing the question, "What will you be doing in the year 2000?" I clearly remember writing that I would be a kindergarten teacher, married, with 3 kids.

You never once look at yourself, while growing up, and think, "I'm gonna be a complete and total loser when I grow up. I plan on estranging as many people as come into my force field."

Those colors in the Crayola box tend to run together, year after oppressive year.

Just so you know, I went out with a couple of people in the past month, - "dates," if you will - and I think I'd rather go to work naked for an entire month, at the hospital where I work, and eat live roaches for 3 square meals a day, than ever date again. I think I hate dating, and I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Heather used the word "pedestrian" to describe someone once, and I made fun of her for being so cruel with her highbrow analogy.

Coincidentally, I now consider "pedestrian" such a kind, good-hearted word.

I'll be damned if I actually hoped this one guy would manage to fall into the toilet and drown in a foot of water, for being so stupid. I found myself wondering, "how can you possibly exist, if you're this much of a selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, brutish, angry, prejudiced prick of a mother-fucking redneck? Can't they revoke your air-breathing privileges after a while?" I swear, if this asslicker used the N-word one more time, I think I would have physically projectile-vomited into his face...on purpose. I try not to get all up in peoples' faces, screeching and psychotic, about their aversions, prejudices, beliefs and stuff on the first date, or if they slip-up and say something retarded.

I do that sometimes - say dumb things.

But, I'm pretty sure this guy's, either mom and dad, or grandmother and grandfather MUST have been brother and sister.

&=( Where do they come from? &=(

If I knew, I wish they'd stop storing nuclear waste there. Or put high-sensitivity land mines around, so they can't get out.

And, the fact that they're, for some reason, attracted to me like flies to the landfill, does NOTHING for an already non-existent ego.

*sigh*

Life is SOOOO much easier to bear, when you have someone to help push it all away at the end of the day. It's too bad we're all so weird and picky about with whom we get yoked. I'll be damned, though, if I'm getting courted by scum of the earth. I don't like to think that I'm better than anybody, but most people just make my stomach hurt...in a bad way. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to go throw up now.






You know, if I ever find that essay, I plan to eat the entire thing, page by page.

Are you sure they know you're loose?

Originally posted: 8.9.07

If I could choose to have any ability in the world, I'm pretty sure I would want to be an artist. After that, I'd like to be creative. You can be able to draw and still have no inspiration.

If I could have a superpower, I think I'd choose healing. Or maybe the ability to give others peaceful, seamless, transitional deaths.

I read on thesmokinggun.com about this guy in Minnesota who beheaded a girl's dog with a chainsaw, then sent her the head in a box. It's stuff like this that makes me fairly homocidal. And, yes, you can submit THIS entry to the cops, once I kill someone for hurting another living creature. Not that I'd deny it. I'm just saying...people wonder why I get so miffed about animal abuse (along with the abuse of others). Well, if you just think about it from the dog's perspective, I'm pretty sure you could see where I'm coming from. I don't know if, when something that traumatic and painful happens, a body just shuts down, so you really wouldn't feel any pain. Or are you awake long enough to feel the most excruciating part, until it just becomes so intense, you just pass out?

I remember watching a guy mow over a cat that was in the middle of the road, in his big-ass truck. I ran after the truck, screaming obscenities and throwing rocks, but he kept driving - OF COURSE. If I was that much of a pussy, I wouldn't have stopped either. But, if I would have made it to him, I'm pretty sure I would have beat him until I killed him.

And of course, those jackasses who locked that cat in a cage, poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire...oh, and videotaped the whole thing.

It's so overwhelming sometimes to see how cruel the world can be (really is?).

People like to ignore these things, pretend they don't exist. But they're out there - sick, demented, twisted. And, we let them get away with far too much. Yes, I believe they'll get theirs in the end. But while they're here, I think they should suffer as well. No, it's not for me to judge. But I can't sit by and WATCH these things happen. It's too hard for me, to let the innocent and the quiet suffer.

I don't believe in walking around and beating people up, just for giving me dirty looks. That's retarded. There are those kinds of people who live life looking for a fight - "What are you looking at??? Yeah, that's what I thought!" Jesus - I'm just squinting at the sun - let's bring it down a notch, ok? Of course, these are the soulless bastards who will live the longest on this earth, trashing it, treating it and everyone on it like shit. They also, on average, make the most kids and have the lowest IQ.

I also don't believe in reprieve for others, unless they really mean it. I don't mean scare tactics. I mean, because you're genuinely and legitimately sorry, you will be forgiven. I've done things wrong, and I've made the same mistakes more than once. But because I've admitted to those mistakes, am truly sorry for what they were, and made conscious efforts to not repeat them, I believe that I'm forgiven. As to whether or not I really am remains to be proven.

What about wrongful justification? What if someone does something, and she has it totally worked out in her mind to where all the signs point to "Hey, it's all cool!"? That used to be my biggest problem - MAKING things be ok. "I'm this way, because of this," or "I did this because of this other thing." I've never had a problem admitting to being wrong and apologizing for it. But I did used to try to bend the rules in my favor. Isn't that strange, being able to subsequently point out that kind of crap? It sucks. It sucks, looking back over your life, being able to point out everything you've done wrong, saying, "Crap! What was I thinking??!? Was anyone driving the bus at that point, or was my conscience taking a dump in the bathroom???"

That's why I always try to talk to the kids about dumb things they do or MIGHT do. I mean, that's why any one person tries to head another person off from doing something stupid. We've all learned something from our mistakes in some way or another, and we try to warn others before they make the same stupid mistake. No, we don't always listen. Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself. And, that sucks.

Don't ask me how I got on this topic, sprouting the different legs, that don't make any sense. My brain is a mystery (conundrum? weapon of mass destruction?). It's just been a long time since I've gotten to post (or ever will again, probably). My internet is still down at home, and I work on it every day. Like I said before, I keep typing stuff up in my email, then posting whenever I'm around a non-retarded computer, which is not often.

It's been a fairly quiet week, but this weekend is going to be a disaster, somehow. I don't know how, but I can feel it...coming in the air tonight...oh, no. I'm not going to get to work Saturday night, because the Family Values concert is that day. Then, Heather has invited me to go with them to Six Flags on Sunday. THEN, I have court on Tuesday for my expired court tag - hopefully, they'll throw the ticket out, but I'm sure I'll still have to pay court costs. Somehow, I'm sure it's going to work out to be much cheaper to have paid the ticket in the first place. Or I'll get another ticket on the way to court. Or they'll try to arrest me on some unrelated charge, like posting the word "homocidal" or calling myself a "weapon of mass destruction." If this is a free country, I don't know how well I'd do in a subservient one. I guess we'll see, eventually, huh?

Well, I hope so. I hope that my altruism will win out over my need to save others from being wronged. Otherwise, I'm liable to spend the rest of my life in some scary, gross Thai prison like Claire Danes in Brokedown Palace. I'm already weird about sleeping in other peoples' beds. I'm still hell-bent determined to do something good, though, even if it makes one person's life better for 15 minutes.

That doesn't even make any sense does it?

Oh well. That's what I get for having that random mind. It just floats from subject to subject, with no warning, really.

It's nice to talk about things no one else really gets. It makes you that much less approachable. I like to keep the world at arm's length.

But not always...

*alone*

STILL NOT DEAD!!!

Current mood: hungry

yes, much to your dismay, i'm still alive.

STILL working like the slave-bitch.

still bending to the will of "the man".

i'm visiting with my fam this weekend, so hopefully i can post a tiny something. but you guys know me - it will be anything but tiny. LOTS going on. LITTLE that's anything but neutral.

will update sooners...&=D

Currently listening : When It Falls
By Zero 7
Release date: 02 March, 2004

not dead

Originally posted: 8.5.07

No, I'm not dead. But almost. I'm sorry I've been in contact with NO ONE. Going to get 'puter from Heather's tomorrow and set it up at home. Been going non-stop.
Will update, eventually... ?????

This $30 skirt just paid for itself 7 times

Tonight (or last night), I brought in over $950 at my bar and made over $150 in tips!

Yay, me!!!!

We had over 400 people, and they said the bar should have broken $5000, but we only did right over $4000, I think. We also got slapped with a "serving alcohol to a minor" warning, so we really had to be on the up & up tonight, watching for people with no armbands or X's on their hands. There was this one kid who was underage, who kept coming up & trying to buy, but I kept turning him away. "No" is just about the same in every language, but he didn't seem to understand, no matter what I said. Our boss, Jimmy said next time that happens, call one of our cops over there to make him leave.

Ben & his friends showed up again, which was nice, having some "regulars," because you get used to what they want. I got ANOTHER phone number (not that I'll necessarily use, but all the same, wooo, me!), and they kept saying I was pretty and bonita or whatever. I was just like, "Keep drinking, because I'm just going to look better!" Haha!!! Drunks will say anything for you to give them the hookup! &=D (Which I do NOT do, before you all pile in the car to come get free drinks.)

People tipped a little better tonight (or last night - whatever), but I also felt it necessary to plead my case. I'd pick my empty tip jar up and look through it like a telescope at different people. Thankfully, too, Tara's friends came in, early on in the night and started us off.

It was SOOOOO slow when we first opened, I thought it would NEVER pick up. Then, all of a sudden, she and I are running around like chickens, and running out of stuff left and right. I had to stop selling screwdrivers, because we ran completely out of orange juice. Then people would come up and order random things that we just didn't have. I hate having to tell people no, but I guess bars can stock whatever they want, and we don't stock everything. We have the basic liquor, whiskey, beer, and that's just about it. Plus, I think we totally overcharge for stuff, but they MAKE us do that - to turn a profit, I assume. I get so many confused and disgusted looks when I tell someone it's $9 for a Sex on the Beach, but it's that whole "I'm just doing what they tell me to."

I like it, though, when we stay busy. My side kind of dies down, since I'm away from the dance floor, facing the pool tables, so I always walk over and help Tara - that usually involves cleaning up - emptying and throwing away bottles and cans, wiping down, and picking gum out of ashtrays! - GROSS!!! Every once in a while, I'll get someone trying to order something from me, but we're not supposed to work each other's sides or use each other's drawers, so I try to either tell her, or go get the stuff from my side. It's really a little complicated how that all works. I had no idea. It's definitely been a learning experience, but it's been totally fun.

We were so freaking dead by the time we closed, that our math skillz were totally suffering. I couldn't do math for SHIT when it was time to do my alcohol count and count my drawer. Tara helped me, and every other statement that came out of her mouth was, "where did you get THIS number???" I didn't know, nor did I care. But, we managed to make it out of there right before 6a, which was dramatically better than last week.

I'm so happy to be a pretend-bartender! It's so much fun!!!!! &=)

Oh yeah, I'm moving in today. I didn't get to do anything yesterday; just sign the lease. But today, I'm going to do what I can, without wearing myself out.

Speaking of which, it's 7:19a, and my bed is calling. More soon...

enough with the updates

originally posted: 7.27.07

I just got back from lunch, and I'm having to update my blog THROUGH MY EMAIL, because for some reason, they've blocked blogger and numerous other sites at my work.

It's shit like this that makes me hate this place.

I talked to Sean a few days ago, though, and he said they've done the same thing at his work recently, too. I don't know what that means. Conspiratorial behavior is what it sounds like to me. Some kind of government shit, no doubt. Heather had an American flag sitting on her countertop the other day, that I had to move to make a sandwich, and I accidentally dropped it on the floor. I told her that if the feds showed up, I'd try to go quietly. Apparently it would be better to drop tomato on the flag, rather than push it to the side for sanitary reasons.

Whatever.

I'm a second generation hippie, so I'm allowed to say these things.

Anyway, things are ok. I'm all moved in to Heather's downstairs...again. I know, I know, but everything is still in the smack-dab middle of transition. Every bit of the crap that I own is stuffed, somehow, into her downstairs playroom. I have a fit every time one of the cats tries to make a scratching post out of my $3000 mattress.

What else? Oh, I'm sick as a dog. Thank God for my surgeon from yesterday, though (no names, just in case). While I was down in surgery, I heard it was his birthday, so I went up to him and said, "Happy birthday - write me an antibiotic." It started as stuffy/runny nose (how can it be both?), then just rapidly spread all through my head. It's in my throat, both my ears, headache, watery eyes, green, and my voice keeps going in and out. I know it's all because of last week, getting little sleep, stress, moving, passing out, the heat, etc. But he hooked me up with amoxicillin, and I'm already feeling the tiniest bit better. I have to stay drugged up on the OTC stuff, because I can't be running through the OR, blowing my nose and touching stuff and breathing on patients. I just hope I'll be ok for this Saturday night.

Which reminds me - I need to go get a bar bible and some No-Doz, or something to keep me going. I hope it's a little busier. I'm trying to spread the word, but then again, I don't want people to show up, just so I can make a serious ass of myself. I just want your money. &=) Just kidding. But not really.

The girl who hooked me up with the job was attacked by her soon-to-be ex-husband a couple of days ago, so I'm really worried about her. I told her that I know people think I'm crazy for always carrying a knife, but I am, and there are reasons for it. Other people give me those reasons. He spent most of the night up there last Saturday on her side of the bar, just sitting and watching. I know break-ups are hard, but come on. I have to say, I managed to stave off the stalker in me when I went through break-ups. It's hard - I KNOW. I think everyone knows what it feels like to have your heart smashed into a million tiny pieces and then crapped on, only for it to sit out in the baking hot sun for weeks, until it dries up, turns into a white, ashy, abstruse, undecipherable material and blows away. I got all that. Hell, I tried to make myself jump off the 280 bridge once. I know what pain is.

So, I'm probably going to be a little edgy on Saturday - best not to sneak up on me.

Ohhhhh, what else? Oh yeah, I paid my moneys, and I'm all set to start moving in to my new place in Southside on Saturday. I'm going to try to take as much as I possibly can, but like I've said before, I'm just going to move the bare essentials (bed, bathroom stuff, computer) until I can afford to hire some guys - or buy some new friends - to move the rest. I'm really looking forward to this. Or, rather, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!! I am. I love Heather, but I can't find ANYTHING I own right now. &=D I'm sure people are starting to wonder about the smell and why I keep wearing the same clothes. It's still going to take me some time to get some money saved up, to start paying off bills, THEN be able to buy the things I want (new cam is priority). I hate that I have this stuff so well-organized in my head sometimes. There are days that I break down and buy something I don't need - like a Wii game, when I don't own a Wii.

You know what I'm saying. It's like being on a money diet. Except that I don't eat money. I ate a marble one time, but it came out in my poop. I don't know if money will do that. I can't even stand the SMELL of money, much less to touch it. &=P Yet, I can never have enough.

Lemme think...I think that's it. I'm only about 15 chapters through HP&TDH, but I'm really trying to savor this one my first time through. I don't read when other people are around, because I can't stand to take my attention from the book. I'm taking notes, of which everyone's made fun. My friend at work, Tommy, is about to die for me to finish the book, because he said he still has all these unanswered questions. Every time I ask HIM a question, though, he just stares at me, or says, ".....I can't say." I can't wait to get all moved in and settled down, because I'd like to go through and reread all the books from start to finish. I can't wait until the paperback comes out, because that's when I get to make all my notes and underlinings and stuff. The HP Lexicon has been an absolutely invaluable resource. I love that thing. I like to just open it up and read it, just to have something to read. I hate that people don't like this STORY, but that's how it is, I guess.

Ok, I think that's about it for now. I'm sorry I've been so sparse in my updates and pictures and whatnot. They say that you shouldn't wish your life away, but I sure am glad these last couple of weeks are over. I knew it was going to be rough, but it got overwhelming at times.

I'm in the last days, though. No more driving to work from Hoover - yay! Gotta call my landlord (-lady? -people?) to find out when to sign the lease, so more when I get something going...

Fainting goats got nothing on me

As usual, I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. It's been one hell of a weekend, one I'm looking to never again make the mistake of repeating during my lifespan.

Wow. When you set out to make a new life for yourself, if that's the path you're supposed to be on, it feels like a whirlwind.

No, I'm not done reading HP. I'm only on chapter 4. And, it's been an emotional rollercoaster from the very beginning. All I'm going to say is after chapter 3, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to finish the book. I've squalled till my eyes are swollen almost shut.

In my "spare time" (of which I've come across the existence of negative time), we've been headed back to the apartment, where I've had my power cut off (I KNEW there was something I was forgetting...), into the blazing heat to continue to pack and move and sort and have complete and total comeaparts.....wait, that last part was just me. No, I'm not hormonal - bite me.

I managed to sleep 3 hours when I got home from the bar last night and woke up feeling refreshed, albeit tired and a little achy. As the day wore on, and we started working, I crashed like a 747. I got to the point where, every time I would hit the stairs, going up or down, my left knee (the strong one) would just quiver with every step.

We've made it down to nick-nacky things that never have a good place in which to be packed, along with my larger pieces of furniture (all of this under Heather's direction, ONCE AGAIN - she's been the moving nazi, 5 years running). Again, we've been moving everything into Heather's downstairs playroom until I can manage to find out more about my move in date. We had started a good "assembly line" of sorts, when I started crashing hard. Heather had left to take another load over to the house for her and Lee to unload, while Sean and I sorted and packed what we could and tried to get things moved down the stairs, to try to expediate things. It just got hotter, and I kept getting more tired and seemingly closer to the ground. I don't remember what I was doing, but all I remember was feeling really weak, then seeing this blinding flash of white, and the next thing I know, I wake up in the "cat hair chair" in a cold sweat, with my fists clenched tightly shut, allover body numbness, and Sean standing over me, pouring ice and water all over me, trying to cool me down.

I didn't even ask - I knew I had fallen out.

I cursed myself inside and out. Frankly, I hate this shit. I don't know whose body I have gotten stuck with from a past life, but this thing has got to go. As I've said before, you turn 30, you go to ground (see House of God).

Sean managed to get me to become coherent enough to get me down the stairs, into the car, and back to Heather's. I sat in the bedroom, bawling, digging through my box o' meds, trying to find ANYTHING - pain meds, sleep meds, depression meds - anything to make it all stop for a few hours.

Well, I managed somehow to get the right concoction. Aaaand, I'm back on my crutches for right now. From the thighs down, my legs feel like marshmallow peeps - no rigidity or control whatsoever. My shins and knee are aching so badly, I've had to pack a comforter underneath my legs to get the pain to subside while I try to rest.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take the money I made from the bar and more than likely, empty out my savings account, and rent a God-forsaken truck. I may not have the manpower, and it WILL take me the rest of the day, but I WILL make it out of that dementor of an apartment. - You like that? Like how I inserted that HP reference as an everyday adjective? Well, I do.

My girls are currently here with me, at Heather's, exploring, climbing all over me and everything that can be climbed upon, sniffing until I'm pretty sure they're going to hyperventilate themselves for somewhat useless information, and just getting acclimated. They've been my saving grace more than once. I know - crazy cat lady, and again, the offer to bite me still stands.

It's almost 10, so I have to trek upstairs to use the restroom, get some water and take whatever meds will get me through the night. I've got my last hellacious day for a while tomorrow, since I'll be attempting to get the rest of my moving done alone. Chris was nice enough to let me off work Monday, but I absolutely can't expect anything out of another person. I'm getting to be that kind of person that people hate to hear from (what do you mean, you're "getting to be" that way? Aren't you already? And to that, I say yes). I'm pretty sure I'll be alright - I just need to get a good night's rest, to fully recoup from the other night.

As before, I hope this bar thing works out, but I'm really scared to reinjure my knee, so I don't know. I may have to put off my dreams of becoming a real bar bitch/wentch until further notice. Jimmy no good with no sleepy.

As always, thanks for sticking around and reading. I know I'm in the middle of some pretty heavy stuff, but I still like to keep people as in the loop as feasibly possible. Being without internet and having your work block the only site you have to update this stuff becomes a REAL pain in the ass after so many days of the fight. But, eh - nothing I can do right now.

I hope all is well, everyone is doing good, things are working out for everyone, and life is generally good. There are always tiny, spontaneous, random prayers being shot in your direction, so if you think of me, it's probably because I thought of you first!

Love you guys. &=)

Tips Go In - Hands Stay Out

Good morning!

Quick update:

Still moving. Will be until Monday. I'm moving in with Heather to start with, until the time comes for me to move in to the new place (a week, maybe?). I'm really looking forward to it. Right now, me and the girls are holed up in her downstairs bedroom.

I met a new girl at work, Tara, and she helped me get on bartending at a place in Trussville/Roebuck called La Rumba. It's a bar that plays mainly Mexican rock, rap, dance music, etc. I started last night and worked from 9p-6a, and holy crap, are my feet ever killing me. I cannot wait to move horizontal so all the blood will stop touching anything below my waist. I did alright for my first night, I guess. I made $106, but I am the noob, and I have NO idea what I'm doing! I did pretty good for someone who's only talent with alcohol was, at one point in her life, how much she could put away. &=)

But, I just think it's kinda cool - I'm a tiny bartender! &=D I have to get a bar bible to figure some stuff out, and I'm going to have to figure out how I'm going to keep this up. Bartending can make some phat money, and I need every little bit I can get, especially right now! It's not only Mexicans, btw. I saw lots of different people in there, but the Mexicans were actually really, really nice, translated for each other, made me laugh, taught me some ESPANOL, and they were INCREDIBLY patient with me.

I have to say, it's a pretty sweet side job, if I can keep it up, if at all possible. My knees and feet are freaking killing me big right now, and I'm a little scared to botch my knee up. I'll have to take it as easy as I possibly can. About 2/3 of the way through the night, I dragged a stool back there with me and copped a squat. Between midnight and 2 we got really, really busy. I wore the total wrong kinds of kicks there, so I learned my lesson this time. I buzzed around, made Tequila Sunrises, Jack & Cokes, Margaritas, Long Islands, shots, handed out TONS of beer, cleaned more than a regular bartender probably does (OCD), learned WAAAAAY too much about the backside of a bar (um, yuck), and picked up a tiny bit of Spanish on the side. I absolutely had the time of my life! &=) I didn't realize this would be my second calling! &=D

I know, I know - selling the alkie. To what will she resort next? - Hey, nothing in which I have to compromise myself or my integrity. I'm merely performing a job, giving the public what they ask for and having a little bit of tolerable fun in the meantime.

Ahhhhhh, but I must retire. Like I said, I hope I can keep this up. Today isn't going to be very fun, because I have a TON of stuff to do. I hate I'm going to miss church (I'm sorry AGAIN, Honey Lee!), but it's just now 7a, and I've got to get a bit of sleep before I have to force myself to become active again.

Oh, the sweet surrender to a well-deserved slumber - all but inches away...

Harry Potter & the End of the Story (no spoilers)

I can't even hardly hold my head up.


It's 2a early on July 21 - I have my Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows book. It's on the bed, right next to me. I'm so freaking excited and tired, I don't even have words to express what's going through my mind.


I'm scared to read it, because this is the end. This is it.


I made it. I don't know the end, and now, no one can mess it up for me. &=)

We actually had a couple of jerks wandering through the bookstore, "videoing" peoples' reactions when they tell them the end of the book - I had them thrown out. And, the funny thing was, I had them pegged from the moment I saw them walking through the store. I sought out the manager, who was standing on the desk in the middle of the store, calling out the numbers, and he was on them like white on rice. His name was Keith, and I still cannot thank that man enough for being as proactive as he was. He was awesome.


**Thank you, Keith!!!**


I'm still in costume. I'm not ready for it to be over. &=) Call me a freak. I don't really care. I'm a Harry Potter-reading Christian who dresses like a spook and listens to hardcore rock, and there's not a thing you can do about it. People can judge all they want here on Earth, but they'll be the ones being judged in the end, along with all the rest of us who have lived a life.


Laugh, if you like.


I think it's silly for your faith to be tested in the wake of the release of a BOOK. This isn't the Anarchist's Cookbook. It's not even a good guide to learning about Wiccan or Pagan characteristics. It's a fictional story about a boy who finds out that he's different from the people around whom he's grown up. God forbid that, right? We don't like differences. We discourage individuality, unless it's like everyone ELSE'S idea of individuality. We loathe those who aren't similar to us in thought, procession, interests, beliefs, dress, look, intelligence...you name it, we can always find something wrong with it.

My dress of choice was Bellatrix LeStrange, in my opinion, one of the most evil characters in the entire series. In my mind's eye, I resemble her very closely in physicality, but our personalities couldn't be more polar opposites. As I sit here costumed as Bellatrix, I wonder about people, giving brief thoughts to various people who have been a part of my life, contemplating over complete strangers. I sat right there in the movie theatre, watching Order of the Phoenix, again dressed as Bellatrix, squalling my eyes out through the movie: The excitement of a fantasy, a wonderful story come to life on the big screen; the swell of the music constantly stuck in my throat; the knowing that my favorite character, Harry, the hero of the book will eventually have to fight what's taken away everything good in his life, knowing that, no matter what, he will choose the path of righteousness...all of those, things that make me happy and make me smile. &=)


I'll be 30 this year, I'm living a real life, and even I, as an adult, don't always make all the right decisions, nor has any other person on this planet.


I know that if Harry were real, he and I would be friends. Life wouldn't always be perfect. But it would be nice to live in a world where help didn't seem so out of reach sometimes. I would encourage him to make the right choices, but based on my reading these books for the past 7 years, I wouldn't have to "push" him in the right direction that much - he seems to know the way on his own, even if he sometimes takes the roundabout way to get there.


Thank you, Jo. And, good luck, Harry. I never doubted your abilities and influence for a second. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, wherever the end takes you.

various updateable materials

Flah....The only time I can update the internet is when I'm at work right now, because my home net is off. This suckzzzz.

So, what happened this past week?

Well, let's start with Harry Potter. On the night of the 10th, I went with several of my friends and family to go to the midnight opening of OOTP. We got some ok pics, but it was all very harried. It was in the middle of the week, I woke up too late to do get everything done that I needed to do, but overall, I had a wonderful time. And, I was like one of two people who dressed up. But I didn't care. This is the kind of stuff that is TOTALLY fun to me. If people weren't such haters, I'd wear hair falls every day of the week. So, it was me, Heather, Larry, Sean, Dwane, Amy, Mark, Erica, Shelby, Mariah, Austin and Braxton who went. We took up an entire row in the theatre. But the movie was awesome. Ok, it was less than awesome. I hate the phrase "artistic license" but they did that. In my opinion, though, it was much better than the last one, but much LESS fun than the book.

I promise, I will post pics eventually, but I can't make anything coordinate right now and won't be able to for some weeks. &=(

NO, I still haven't found a place. YES, I'll be out by the 23rd. I'm definitely making the move back to Southside, strictly to be closer to work. I'm hoping I can find something that will be kind of like Avalon, but less....ghetto-oriented. I liked the apartment, but I hated the fact that I was on the alley, butt-up against this other crappy apartment, where the people were always coming out, screaming and fighting at three in the morning, or blasting their music. The people above me were actually ok, but the chick below me...when I finally left the apartment, I nailed her door shut. So, whether or not she was in and couldn't get out, or out and couldn't get in, I couldn't care either way. I'm actually hoping she just stayed in there and rotted. She would turn her radio on, and it would thump through the floorboards for hours and hours. I called the cops and my landlord on her so many times, it's sickening. I hate living the apartment life, but this will be it until I can get everything turned around.

Ok, what next. Oh, my knee is fine. I'm finally back at work with no brace or crutches, although I do wear the elastic one just for support. Every so often, it feels weak, like it's going to suddenly go out. I still have a limp, and my hip still hurts, so I'm just kinda taking it easy.

Me & Sean went to see 311 - yeah, I posted that already. Ok, now this is all coming back to me. Ahhhh, I hate having to do it like this. This blows.

I watched the kids for Heather and Lee on the 12th, and this weekend I had my friend Jerry, who I took and enrolled at Jimmy Hale on Sunday. I really hope he sticks with the program, because I've exhausted every way that I know of helping him. Good luck, hun - I know you're going to do fine, as long as you clear your mind, keep it open, be honest, stay focused and stay away from the wrong people. Easier said than done - yes, I know.

Today, I have to renew my tag, and tomorrow, I have to meet some guys who are going to take me around to some apartments. I've seen stuff that I really like, but something is always standing the way. I'm going to have to settle on something. I should have started earlier if I was going to be so picky, but once again, I made the wrong decision, by having my surgery before moving. I should have waited until I got settled in to have it done. Oh well - at least it's over.

I have my first appointment with EAP this Wednesday, and I'm a little nervous. This will be my first time talking to someone in over a year. I don't really know what I'm going to say - just go in there and bounce off of whatever the counselour says, I guess. It's better when I talk to someone I know, because they know my history. It's just funny, though, because every time I do this, it always starts with, "My mom passed away several years ago...." Although the problems STARTED long before that, they didn't actually present themselves until after she was gone. It just pisses me off because I can't live without medicine. I get the whole "chemical imbalance" thing, but how did people deal with this before drugs? Sanitariums? Well, I'm about ready for a nice, long vacation - check me in! *google eyes*

So, that's my partial, incomplete update. I have nothing great to report. I feel ok, although some days I'm ready to give in to everything and just stop. I know there's something out there for me, I'm just tired of looking. I'm ready for some sort of clemency. I'm just really tired of being tested right now. I need a break. I'd like someone to take care of and who can take care of me. I know I'm asking a lot, though, so I try not to ask a lot.

God, this is why I hate posting at work. They're in the break room talking about Marvel comic characters vs. Star Wars - who would win?

You know who I think? Harry Potter. But, that's just the opinion of one fan.

ALL dogs go to Heaven, even if you don't

I just read this article about scientists finding the 10000-year-old frozen carcass of a 6-month-old baby mammoth in the Yamal-Nenets region of Siberia. He's in spectacular shape, with his eyes intact, and they said he even still has his fuzzy hair. I thought it was all great and everything, until I saw his little picture and had to give myself the mental image of that tiny, baby mammoth, getting lost in the snow, separated from his parents, can't find any food, and finally just falling over in exhaustion and hunger, only to freeze to death, alone.

&=(

You know, I love doing things for PETA, ASPCA, pets, farm animals, domestic animals, but most of those horrendous videos and articles, I have to admit, I've never even seen or read. I love to be able to spout off facts and information for people who ask or want to know more, but the images of the things that I have seen have never left my brain. It's the kind of things I have nightmares about - kittens in boxes or bags on the side of the road, frantically crying for help; animals locked away in cages, vomiting, eyes running, bloody and swollen shut, shaved, pumped full of chemicals, all as test subjects for human products; puppies from puppy mills, starving and physically suffering from mange, rabies and more than likely starving and suffering from any number of infections; the infected, bloody, cracked bottom of an elephant's foot from standing on hot asphalt for hours at a time, sometimes wearing sequiny outfits, standing there, waiting to perform for human entertainment; cows lined up, standing in and eating their own feces, only to be corralled, herded in, and have their brains bashed out, simply to satisfy the human need to be the highest link on the food chain...I mean, I could literally go on for hours. But I have to FORCE myself to not think about this stuff, because it drives me almost to the brink of insanity, knowing me and Booboo and Jammy Pie are sitting, holed-up in our safe apartment, with food and shelter, but there are so many others out there, suffering, usually at the hands of a human being.


I was talking to Sean the other day about my encounters with atheism and my feelings on various facets of religion. I said that although Christianity doesn't teach it and most people probably don't believe it, I can't stand to think about animals not having souls. I mean, just looking into Jezzabelle's eyes, I KNOW for a fact that girl has a soul. I just don't understand how people can look in the face of an animal, like a dog or a cat, even a pet that you care about with all your heart, with those baleful eyes and still believe that there is no God. And there's no scientific basis - it's just something I believe. I can't stand to think that I'll have to go the rest of my entire eternity, without ever getting to see my Luxo or Missy or any of the other pets I've cherished over the years.

I always said that I love animals, and I always just want them to all jump on me and be soft. Well, I mean, not like cows and elephants - they can hang out nearby, while I'm rolling in bunnies and chinchillas and kittens and stuff. Then I'll get up and love on the bigger animals. I think animals are amazing - the way they're so different from us, yet have many similarities. I can watch Booboo and Jammy play for hours. The way they move, entertain themselves, adeptly pick things up with their hands, and roll around like they've never been happier in all their lives. And, I'm so happy I can give them that, even though they can't thank me.

I've seen people in desperate situations; I've seen lots of human suffering, but there's nothing that can light a fire under me like an animal that's in trouble. I can't stand to hear the mew of a kitten, in particular, when it's in trouble or lost or scared. It's heart-wrenching to me. Imagine that kitten as a frightened human child, and you'll understand what I'm picturing. They can't "tell" us what they need or want, so we have to do whatever we can to help. I mean, even having opposable thumbs and the ability to reason, I can't imagine being lost in a place full of strange-smelling creatures who don't speak your language and don't look remotely LIKE you.

Once, I saw this video of these dudes who put a cat in a cage, squirted it with gasoline, then set it on fire and videotaped it. I've never been able to stop thinking about that; I can still hear the scream of that cat. I don't really even need to publically post what I'd like to do to those guys. I reported the link to PETA, and they said they'd heard of it before, and it was still under investigation. I know PETA is pretty extreme, but that's exactly who I think should get their hands on those jackasses. Inhumanity to any creature, living or dead, is completely unnecessary.

Sorry. Bit of a preachy thing, right? That's ok. I like exploring these varying subjects that make me who I am, even sometimes I can't even decide what to wear or remember if I ate breakfast or not. I'm not the best at debating, but that's why I like to lay this stuff out and pick through it with a fine tooth comb. The more you know about a subject, the more intelligibly you can discuss it with someone.

I know that was kind of a weird tangent to take, but I did it. And I LIKED it. &=P

"New Jimmy, with ankle-whacking action! Crutch sold separately."

Man, I've got so much to update, but guess what? My home internet has been cut off. &=( I've been behind in paying everything lately, so I was able to pay them only part of my bill, so they cut my service off anyway. Ok, so give me my $50 back, then. Pth.

Anyway, I figured, screw it - I'm out of there in less than two weeks anyway. So, I'm just going to cancel my service altogether today. Sucks not having net at home, though. Kinda similar to withdrawals from meth or smoking - can't stop pacing the floors and can't find anything with which I want to busy myself.

Ok, so I can't update on much of anything right now. All my pics and stuff are on my computer. I might take it over to Heather's one evening and update then. But I hate posting something, then posting pics later or not WITH the crap I'm talking about. Gets kind of confusing. Like I still have to post pics of my knee and hip (which is great, btw, but more on that in a min), but I have to pull pics off Amy's cam and Heather's cam, etc, etc.

Lemme see what else...oh, it's 13 days until I move, and I have nowhere to go. &=D I'm ok, though. I'll figure something out. I've got enough cardboard boxes to build my own cardboard box mansion, so I guess I'm kinda glad it's warm outside right now.

Ok, I went and saw Dr. Stannard yesterday, and he gave me a clean bill of health. The xrays look ok - you can see the tiny bone graft in between the two pieces of patella. He wants to give it 6 more weeks, though, before we start PT. &=( He said I don't have to wear the brace or do the crutches anymore, but I'm still kind of nervous about that. He said he still doesn't want me doing any lifting with my leg, no squatting or weight training on it yet, but I can walk and do normal stuff. So, I'm at work today, with the ace bandage on my knee and my brace in a bag, moving at a turtle's pace. I've been really cautious, walking around. I went to do a portable and as I was leaving, I was like, "ok, see you guys in an hour." I did ok, though. I was just pokey-pokey.

And, I'm trying to WALK and not hop, hobble or limp, which is much harder than it sounds, because I can get around SOOOO much faster when I do those things. Ow, and it does have twinges of pain, though, every now and again. It's a different kind of pain than I'm used to. I always wondered what it would feel like to have hardware in your body - well, it doesn't.

My friend Sean and I went to the 311 concert last night, and it was awesome. We were both exhausted (as I'm sure everyone else who went was) from going to the HP premiere at midnight on Tuesday. It was the first time I've ever sat down at a concert. &=( But I didn't stay sitting the whole time. I stood a little during Matisyahu (who is frigging awesome, for those of you who are like me and have never heard of him) and tried to get my concert legs. Then 311 came out, and I had to use my crutch, because I was rocking out. They were awesome, AS USUAL, and Nick Hexum is still the die-hard hawtie he was in the very beginning. We were in the first tier and had pretty good seats, so I was happy about that. I don't like sitting at the top, where you have to take the dramamine. *Urp*

Getting to the seats was a bit of an effort. I had my brace and one crutch, just to ward the peoples off. It was a bit of a trek from the car, and when we got in the gate, it got really tight. Some people were very polite and would step out of the way to let me pass. Others would just run straight into me, like I wasn't even there - much like I'm used to. It sucks to be short...and invisible. Anyway, we got into the venue, and it got so tight, and most of the people weren't paying any attention, so I just started dragging my crutch (with a little added weight) and whacking people in the ankles and shins. I managed to bruise about 50 people before we got to our seats, so I did pretty good. Some people I managed to hit both legs, so that's double points. I think I'm going to start taking a crutch everywhere I go. Forever.

Oh, and when Matisyahu was performing, there was this really tall, really drunk guy who came staggering into the row in front of us and TOTALLY ALL-OUT FELL on the guy directly in front of me. I thought he knew the guy and was just giving him a hard time - but he didn't! I turned and looked aghast at Sean, and he said, "man, that could have been you!" So, I kept a bead on this joker the WHOLE concert. Bitch wasn't falling on MY knee. After Matisyahu, the dude climbs over the seats into OUR row (dammit) and comes tumbling towards me. I put my hands out to stop him, and he says, "I'm not going to hurt you,"
"Yes, you are."
"Well, it's possible."
"And, it's possible I'll kick your ass."
He was all trying to pull that drunk/hooch-laden "let's all just get along" friendliness crap on me, but I was having none of it. If this ass would have fallen on me and fucked my knee up, omfg, you guys don't know the ass-whooping I would have delivered on this fucker. &=( More surgery. Pinch me.

Aside from that, I met the guy sitting next to me, (Christopher) who's in real estate and councils high school kids who have been in accidents with drunk drivers, sustained some type of injury and are getting acclimated back into high school. Sitting next to him were these two girls, Mike and I didn't catch the name of the other one. The lady behind me kept telling me how beautiful my hair was and how she loved the flowers I had in it, so we talked arts and crafts for a few minutes. That's one thing about that type of concert - everyone's really friendly. And, I'm like a coiled snake, sitting, waiting to strike. A snake with KNEES. *sssssssssssss*

So, anyway, the concert was fantabulawesome. They didn't play Sean's fav song "Come Original", but they did play "Creatures," "Love Song" and several other really good ones. I kept having to sit down, whenever my legs would get tired or my knee would start hurting, but I did good. They played a lot of instrumental stuff that I swear I almost fell asleep to. It was very mellow and comforting. I wish they'd release a whole album of stuff like that. Oh, and they did that drum line thing that they started doing on their last tour. That number always gets my heart racing. I love it.

Also, Nick Hexum is a frigging hottie. Did I say that already?

Bah, ok. Peoples are talking to me and talking and they're making me lose my train of thought. I'll blag more laterz.

Harry Potter + moving + broke knee = panic attack

As soon as I get home, I'll edit this post.

Until then, I thought I'd send out the link:

http://perezhilton.com/?p=1177

The HP trio has finally gotten their own block at Grauman's Chinese Theatre!!! &=D That's SO cool! I'm so excited!! Only 17 more hours till the movie, and 11 days till the book!!!! And, yes, before you ask, I will be holing myself up in my apartment that weekend to read the book - no tv, no phones. I'm also taking off work the following Monday, not only to make sure I've read the entire book, but to MOVE! ARRRRGGGHHH!!! Please tell me this is a good sign!

WAIT! I haven't even found a place to live yet!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Some people are Trekkies...

At this time tomorrow, I will transform, once again, into Bellatrix LeStrange.





















Just so you know, this is NOT the image I have of her at all. But it will touch on the main points - the black, the crazy hair, and...well, that's probably the most important stuff. I'm going to see just how far I can possibly take it tomorrow, without making it unbelievable. There's nothing I hate worse than an unconvincing wizard. Sheesh.

Haha, and the great thing is, I've tricked other people into going with me! It's always nice to see the looks on other peoples' faces when they realize...you dressed up...for the premiere...of a movie...for a children's book.

Way back when I started reading the books, I took a test and was immediately sorted into Slytherin. In fact, I took the test several times and kept being sorted into Slytherin. I've always been drawn to her for some odd reason. So, let's just assume that Bellatrix is who I would be if I were to use my powers for good instead of evil.



Wait...