Remember:

I can, and I will. I refuse to mess this up. And, I refuse to let anything go down that's not consensual.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can.

I need a hug...or a high-five.

But I could...

Every so often, I'll run across a song that will completely enrapture me. This is one of them. I can't stop listening to it, even if it IS depressing and doesn't apply to my life right now. It's still beautiful.

The Cardigans - Couldn't Care Less

Oh my heart can't carry much more
It's really, really aching and sore
My heart don't care anymore
I really can't bear more
My hands don't work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
My heart can't carry much more
But you couldn't care less
Could you

Your face don't look like before
It's really not like yours anymore
Your eyes don't like me no more
They quiver and they shift to the floor
My heart don't beat like before
It's never been this slow
No my blood don't flow anymore
And you couldn't care less
Could you

Could we stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
But we really don't care do we

Baby let's stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell

Your back's not straight like before
You really shouldn't carry me no more
I'm much too heavy for you
I'm really quite a mess, yes
We just don't care anymore
We're crooked and were cut to the core
We're just not there anymore
But we really don't care do we
No, we couldn't care less
We couldn't care less
Could we?

Purple Rain by Stina

Stina Nordenstam performed this song. It has a totally different feel than the Prince version. It's absolutely wonderful. I just heard it and realized I'd never really listened the words. I really like them.

Purple Rain

by Stina Nordenstam

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the rain

Purple rain, purple rain x4

Never meant to be your weekend lover
I only want to be some kind of friend
I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x4

It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x2

Just breathe..............

Mood: agitated

For some reason, words fail me today.

Yesterday, I got to see my old friend...and it was exactly as I'd feared. My entire being ached for him. But, I managed to restrain, and we had a really good time - or I did, anyway. I'm not sure about him. I was so bent on reeling myself in (and keeping myself calm), that I couldn't tell how he was. I swore to myself, also, that I wouldn't psychoanalyze all of his movements, my movements, every tiny action, every little word, every "sign" (of which I experienced MANY) and although I'm still fighting it, I know I can do this.

Heather said I shouldn't lie to myself, but I'm going to push myself to do this if it kills me. Just because I want him back in my life, in some form. I feel like I'm playing a never-ending game of arm wrestling. It's agonizing trying to just keep up my strength, but if I fail...well, then I fail.

I still get the shakes when I think about it all - about loving him, about being with him, about the things through which we went and carried each other (although, I know he did most of the carrying)...and about being in contact with him again. Haha, I guess I have cooties, huh? Boy cooties. *psh*

I still know that I could take care of him better than anyone in this world - no matter our differences.

Yes, I'm still in love with him. But, I'll never let it slip from my mouth. I have to do this - because I want to.

He used to be so understandably upset, knowing that there was the "other one" looming in my past, always there. He'd be surprised to know that the other one is gone now, replaced only by memories of him. It's completely insane. Now, he is my other one.

I gave up a lot when I walked away. I always do.

I fail at life a lot. I make a lot of the wrong choices. But, I'm doing so good this time around. I've had to make some tough choices and let some people go from my life, but it was worth it. It's worth it, if it makes me a better person.

But, not this one. I can't let this one go. If nothing comes out of it, friendship or otherwise, then that's the way it is.

I have to try, though. If I don't, this is one of those things that I can see filling me with great regret in the future.

Please, God, don't let me mess this up.

Tiny, baby addendum @ 2141p:

I talked to him tonight, and he said he had a really good time yesterday. &=) This is far superior to the rockstar. I'm not analyzing it - I'm just being really, really happy. I'm allowed to do that, right?

Michael & Mom

mood: sincere

Wow. I've been watching really old Michael Hedges videos, and they so take me back, to such a different time in my life.

I remember how he'd make his yearly pilgrimage to the Music Hall in Southside, and we'd always go see him. He actually started recognizing us after a while. I was fortunate enough to shake the man's hand many times, and even have the most wonderful photo made with him. (I know - I REALLY need to get a scanner. Donations can be made to...)

One of my absolute favorite songs is "Because It's There." And, it's strange, because in December of '97, I remember being at Jack State, turning on WBHM, just like I did every night before I went to bed and hearing that song, right before they announced that this was in homage (I use the haughty French pronunciation, "oh-MAHZH") of the exquisite guitar player who was Michael Hedges. He had been in a car accident, after visiting with his girlfriend, and apparently, when he was thrown from the car, he perished instantly.

I can still remember calling my mom and frantically explaining what had happened. She and I sat on the phone and listened to his music and cried for what seemed like an eternity.

It makes me happy to finally be able think of the touching times my mom and I shared...a decade after her death.

Mom, I'm incredibly envious of you. You've been listening to him play for God for years. What an honor.

And, Michael, even now, twelve years later, you're sorely missed.

To Greg, who introduced us, & Gordon, who still talks to me about these times.

I was surprised to learn that I was secretly in love with Albuquerque, New Mexico.

In the late 90's, I went with my ex-husband to visit his extended family in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where he was born. I've always hated everything to do with the west - the climate, the sand, the houses - everything. But, when I got out there, I was very pleasantly surprised! It was wonderful out there! The weather was incredible, the sites were much better than pictures, and the people were SO much more friendly than they are here! I was shocked and enchanted by this wonderful new city. &=)

&=)

You've always been the yellow in my sea of blue. I hope that you can remember how important you once were to me and understand that you still are. We had some rough times, and we did stupid things...but it's the past. Rehashing it would be unnecessarily painful and completely needless.

Thoughts of you assail my mind. Good memories, lovely feelings and hope abound.

No expectations.

Just in the here and now.

&=)

Improv Everywhere

One of my favorite things in the whole universe is the group called "Improv Everywhere." Everytime I get on their site to see what's going on, I start squalling. It's the simplest of reasons - random strangers get together for a commonality. Obviously, you can make some fast and incredible friends in that type of scenario. But, "togetherness" has always struck a certain chord in my psyche and just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside (and sentimental to the point of crying).

Anyway, this one just swelled my heart to the point of almost breaking.

A New York couple comes out of their tiny courthouse wedding, to a surprise reception, complete with a wedding party (best man & maid of honor, as well!), guests, cake, presents & even a pedicab, in which they got to "drive off" after the reception was over.

And, it was all put together by strangers.

Now, if that doesn't get you in the gut...well...then you're just not me, I guess.


Check it out - it's really worth the ten minutes it will take to look it over:

Surprise Wedding Reception with Improv Everywhere

Bideos

Hey, I have a bunch of videos that I want to post.

I just thought I'd say that.

I found them last night, as I was going through my drive, looking for a couple of specific pictures. It was back when I had my butt surgery, and I was off work. I was totally bored, so I started pulling out a whole bunch of art and crap, and videoed myself talking about it, where I got it, what it means to me, etc. So, I watched a few, and...man, I am a WEIRDO.

They were so ADD, but when you see the state of my apartment, you'll understand. And, yes, it always looks like a landfill.

I made a couple of talking head videos last night, but I look super-fat, so I'll have to redo them. Plus, there's one I made that was actually a "talking to your bff-self," so obviously I can't post that one. Too much speculative and sensitive information in that one. It hinges on something that I'm hoping will happen, but I shouldn't be hoping will happen, I keep daydreaming it will happen, I have to stop making myself thinking about it happening, and even if it DOES happen, is it the right thing that should be happening??? (It has to be - it feels like it would be too perfect.)

So, that's where my mind will be for the next couple of weeks, I'm sure.

My mind is always occupied elsewhere these days, no matter what the subject. I don't feel as though I've written one substantial post in years. Apparently, I have to be suicidal to do that.

But, I'd rather discontinue my blog than to ever go back there, again. Ever.

I still have bouts of it, but I feel much better these days......just empty.


Okay, I have a super-serious head/neckache, and I'm going to go grab some lunchies. I hate our cafeteria. But, I'm too lazy to make my own lunch. Hopefully, that will change once I get a place with a real kitchen. Oops! There I go, hoping for impossible things again! Where's my unicorn and bag of money??!? &=D

Everyone have good days. It's lovely and rainy here, and all I want to do is curl up with someone in the bed and snuggle and sleep.


.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.If only.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Plink You

There's this new thing to combat "blogger's block," called Plinky, and I'm trying really hard to get it to post to my blog, with auto-updates. I got it to work on my Twitter, but not this.

It's making me miffed. Or, it's miffing me.

When was the last time you went 'woo hoo!' and meant it?

The last time I said "woo hoo," and meant it was just yesterday, actually. Chamblee was taking out a femoral nail, and he couldn't get the stubborn endcap off. Volgas scrubbed in and managed to pull it out, and I put my fist in the air and cheered, "WOOHOO!" (yes, I actually said "woohoo")

much updates to happen?...maybe?

Okay, someone remind me to post tonight. Lots of stuff going on.

Plus, I keep meaning to put up pics of Jack. If you're on Myspace or Facebook, I have some pics of him there.

I'm also still trying to find an apartment, but I'm being a little more proactive about it, rather than sitting in the bed.

And, I just drank a Dr. Pepper, and now I feel like vomiting. Dr. Pepper is gross. It's like a burp in a can. (well, why did you drink it? i don't know - i guess i was craving trademarked "Burp in a Can!")

It sucks, because every time I sit down to blog, I forget everything I need to say. I feel like I'm talking to Heather. Every time we get together, we forget all the things we're supposed to be telling each other. Still, we never have a problem talking! &=) That's always nice.

Everyone needs thoughts and prayers, but these people need it extra for a while:

my Grammy
Mindy & Dixie
Eric McBrayer's new baby boy
my good friend, Dina
everyone's job situations
Paul McDonald
John Martin

I think that's it. If I left anyone off (you or a friend), please let me know. I'm going to have to keep a list going, because I keep neglecting people in my thoughts, and it drives me insane.

Okey! Insanity out!

Super!

mood:  grinning

Well, guessy what?

&=D

Hahaha, I love this feeling. I'm wearing "stupid grin plastered across face" face.

So, last night, about 10p, my friend Paul called me to see if I wanted to hang out, because he was about to lose his mind, hanging out at home. I balked (A LOT), because I was actually about to settle in. After not too much of a fight, I agreed and got ready.

We went to Ruby Tuesday to get some food, drinks and sit and talk. Afterwards, we walked across the road and up the hill, with the intention of going to Bailey's, but strangely enough, the doors were closed and locked, and the lights were off. (On a Saturday night? Does anyone know - are they closed for good???) So, back down the hill, and as we're passing Dave's, I look in the window - too many people.

He asks if we try Blue Monkey, since they have comfy couches (and urine-soaked carpet), but when we pull up in the parking lot, it's totally packed, with one available spot. We pull in the spot, walk down the cobblestone, and he says, "nope. Not happening." So, back up the hill to the car.

We ended up over in Lakeview, and he pulled into the first place we passed, Zak's, which USED to be OT's. It was always a grossy, seedy dive, with not a lot of reputable people. Nice to know it really hasn't changed.

Anyway, we walk in, and as Paul pays our ways, I hear a crowd and a band gearing up to play. I almost told him to get his money back, because I wasn't in the mood to hear freaking "Sweet Home Alabama" played by some loser-ass, backwoods garage band. (Actually, I'd be happy if that song had never come into existence.) But, while Paul is paying, I hear the lead singer talk, silence....and then BLAM!!!!! They tore right into the first song. It scared me so bad, I was in the process of crawling over the table, into the man's arms who was taking the money. Nice way to throw yourself at someone, butthead.

Of course, I start the old lady screaming "WTF IS THIS??? WHO IS THIS? WHY ARE THEY PLAYING????"

Well, old ladies probably don't say that, but this old lady did.

So, we walk around the divider and there are about 20 shirtless school kids (ugh, shirtless, sweaty guys - NOT my thing, btw), and two shirtless band members (that's okay, because at least they're not touching anyone). But, the first person who caught my eye was the lead singer - Yummy! &=)

We walked to the bar to get drinks and sit and listen, because there would be no more talking at this point. Actually, we ended up texting and typing back and forth, because my eardrums were in current use. Paul was making fun of me, since I couldn't keep my eyes off the lead singer. It was so weird, though, because he looked and sounded SO MUCH like Serj Tankian from System of a Down (I'm supposed to marry him, btw), whom I idolize, but not in the bad way. More in the 'he's my super-favorite person of my super-favorite band ever' way.

They played what I considered a short set, but it was about 130a or so. Paul convinced me to walk down to the stage with him, although I'm far too frail anymore to mosh - my only regret of getting old. So, I stood there and did "chickenhead," (but not the bad kind) which I hate. *peck* *peck* *peck* *peck*

After it was over, Paul reached up and asked if I could have my picture made with him. I asked about a cd, and while we were waiting to acquire one, we started talking to him about the band. We told him that we totally just walked in on them, because we had nowhere else to go and ended up really, REALLY enjoying the music (and the sites, but I would have totally killed Paul a thousand times over, had he mentioned that). He was SO totally humbled and so thankful that we liked the band. Paul said he said some more things about being a server at a restaurant and stuff like that, but I was too busy gauging my eye movements, and if you think I'm lying, please ask Paul. I was trying to time them, so I wouldn't stare too long, or look too disinterested, or whatever. Man, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-A-B-select-start. *groan*

So, dude finally brings a cd, and I said, "um, and you're signing this, right?" He seemed surprised - "Oh! Yeah!," and as he's writing, Paul leans over and says, "And, she's going to be very upset if you don't write your phone number on there."

He stands up and looks at the two of us - me, then Paul, then me, then Paul - and he really looks like he wants to say something...SOMETHING. But, Paul interjects, "Oh, we're just friends. We've been friends for years. We're not together." Dude was like, "Woah, I was wondering what...yeah, okay," and he proceeds to lean over and WRITE HIS PHONE NUMBER ON THE CD!!!!!!!!!!

I totally punched Paul in the arm like, 'don't say that,' but I almost crapped myself WHEN HE DID. I proceeded to then act spazzier than normal - no, actually, I was okay, but I'm sure it was because I had a chaperone, someone to back me up. I asked him his name - Steve - and he asked mine - Jennifer - and he wrote it down on his hand! &=) I don't know what that meant, but it made me happy anyway! Paul took our picture (dude, I'm totally larnin' you how to take a damn photograph), and he got his band packed up to go.

So, in between decent conversation with Paul, I was stroking about 'what about this Steve thing?????' Paul had to deliver to me CRIB NOTES on how to talk to a guy. Incidentally, I have NO beef about talking to anyone - guy or girl - about anything, unless it's someone that I really like. Obviously, I don't know if I like this guy - but in my eyes, he's a <+RAWK STAR+> *jingle jingle* so of course I'm going to have problems with bodily functions and stuff.

I know this is the kind of stuff that never works out for me, but it's absolutely adorable nonetheless. It's a cute story to tell my, er, granddogs one day (?).

So, I'm supposed to wait until Tuesday to call this guy, - Steve - and I'm supposed to make it short and sweet. I'm getting tips, so anything else anyone wants to add, please let me know. Because clearly, I only know how to be myself, and that's retarded. I don't believe in lying, but I also don't want to completely frighten the poor thing. Of course, if you saw him thrashing around up on stage, you'd think not much would scare a guy like that.

Meh, we'll see.

I'll be taking pointers from now until Tuesday at 3p, so any VALUABLE info you'd like to throw at me, go ahead. I've never tried to woo a rock star (from a garage band) before, so this will be interesting and possibly fun...or very, very embarrassing, which is also cool - but then I'll never be able to go out in public again. Oh well - it's win-win for me either way, right?

Yeah...stay tuned to see how THIS turns out. I know I'm planning to.

And, just for Paul - *teehee* (that was all I could say for the rest of the night - he said he was seeing a total different side of me.)

ps. Jack's at puppy school, so I'll update about that a little later! I miss me some Anpan!!!!

TTFN

This is where I want to start

Can you imagine washing your clothes in this water? Bathing in it? Drinking it?

Think about this next time you purchase a bottle of water, take a drink, then pour the rest down the sink. These people didn't ask for this, and this could just as easily have been you and your family.

No one asks to be put in these situations or born into these poor countries. But, I do believe that based on my status in life, I owe others my help, because I can give it. As much as I whine about money and my health, I'm far better off than these people could probably ever envision.

That's why, when people nag me about raising a family "on the run," - how can I deprive my kids of all the things with which we grew up - I reply that it has everything to do with Western culture and societal ideals. Living in the very privleged, very greedy United States has imbued in us the idea that we are obligated to receive everything and more.


When in fact, we DESERVE nothing.


But we NEED so much.



Nothing that you do anymore comes without a price or some sort of repercussion. For example, you DO know that when you throw trash away, there's really no such thing as "away." But, out of sight, out of mind, right?

Well, the same stands for these people, the less fortunate. Since they're not in your direct line of vision, you seem to forget they exist. But, they don't. Every day is a new struggle, another day of wondering if you and your children will survive.


I'm not saying that everyone should drop what they're doing and travel to other countries to help (although that would be nice). But, there are always ways to help. Invest in an organization, sponsor a child, research an affiliation in whose cause you take to heart, participate in community cleanup, recycle - there are SO MANY THINGS we could do. I've just chosen to step completely outside my area of comfort and take matters into my own hands.

I know I've talked about it for years, but I really feel it closing in. And, I'm glad. I'm ready for a change.

I need a break from my own selfishness, in order to concentrate on the needs of others.

Plus, I think it will be super-fun. &=)

Postscript to...

...why I haven't been ANYWHERE on the computer:

Shark-puppy bit a (TEENY-TINY, SUPER-SHARP, BABY PUPPY TOOTH) hole in my laptop charger, so my computer at home is dead.

(It's been nice, trust me. A bit like living without a cellphone.)

Anyway, Joe's going to order me another one - just not sure when. I'm in no hurry, except that I would like to start blogging again. For those of you who don't mind stopping by to read the rantings of the "crazy girl."



I like being crazy. It makes my life more interesting.

Shark-puppy & my life

So, I'm at work right now, as I always am at this time of day.


Lots of things have happened, most not worth mentioning.



Most noteworthy - I have a puppy, now. His name is Jackson - Anpan Jackson _fill-in-the-blank_ Braxton, to be exact. The blank is for whatever he's doing at the moment. He's an AmStaff (that's safety-speak for PIT BULL), and he's my baby! We had to visit the pet doc yesterday, because he was having a problem eating. Turns out, he has coccidia (coccidiosis), tiny protozoans that are living in his intestines, making him have diareenies and little to no appetite.

So, he got a BIG ampicillin shot (he cried!), and he gets to eat yogurt yesterday and today, which it turns out he really likes! He's on two antibiotics, and she said he should start to gain weight in no time. He's such a skinny cage of bones! She started laughing when I said I could see his "dog pelvis."

But, he's my sweet baby. He's going to go back to Ralph Gibson in Pelham for training, but he needs to get over this first. Phil and I took Jezzabelle to Ralph, and she was a much better behaved dog for it, so I'm really excited. He's already such a good boy, he needs very little improvement!*

*Except for when he likes to play "shark face." He opens his mouth really wide and waves his head around, trying to play-bite me. I tell him no, because he's a puppy and not a shark.


Aside from that, not much is going on.

My cousin Bob, his wife Alice and their baby Olive came to visit last weekend, so that was a lot of fun. I just wish we all could have spent more time together. It's hard when people live so far away.

I'm back in touch with my friend, Joseph, with whom I haven't spoken in close to six years, so it's been nice to talk to him. He lives close to Silicon Valley and is working for a gaming company. He's really busy, though, trying to move up through the ranks.

Thankfully, my job offers none of that.

I'm on ninety-day probation, for being late and call-ins. Who knows - maybe me getting fired will be the best thing to happen to me! If it wasn't so immediately and pressingly expensive, I'd totally be up for a move RIGHT NOW! But, I have to think of MY family, which is now my two girls and Jack.

Still, I'd like to pursue that Living Waters for the World program. Right now, I think I'm just wasting time, kicking my feet around, hoping something good will happen. I need to stop screwing around and do something, that's for sure.


I don't know what my life holds, but I know I'm ready for anything right now. I'm more confident and alive than I've been in years. I'm sick of being trapped by old memories and difficult and wrong decisions that I made so long ago.

Forward is good.

...unless you're in a car, careening over the ledge of a mountain. In that case, just pray for wings! &=)

Cut your nose off to spite your face.

And, here's the new one:

Your a complete nut, and someone should have you committed before you seriously hurt someone. Your lucky I asked the cop not to arrest your crazy ass. Figures your crazy ass has to find a new guy to fuck with and spread your crazy to instead of figuring your own fucked up self. Let me know who he is so I an let him know how you treat people and how you treat children you psychotic manic depressive fuck. Your lucky I don't drop domino off at a kill shelter just to spite you. Don't ever come near my home or any home I live in again or I will have you arrested on site. You are not welcome on any home/apartment to which I apply a payment and should I see you I will treat it as your attempt to cause me or my family harm and I will treat you as such you crazy bitch. You are the hideous plagues that is infecting what could be a good and happy world. Thanks to you people all around you are living slightly unhappier lives then they deserve and they will never truly be happy until you are out of the picture. Even though I know you wont i hope you take this to hear. You truly are disturbed.

Comments, anyone?

I've been wasting time

I just deleted ALL of my online dating accounts.

If anyone sees me on a dating site, please let me know - I'm not supposed to be there.

Time to get real.

Nice to meet you...again.

I'm getting ready to go see the Vast show at Zydeco, with my buddy Cory.

I can't help but regret that I'm missing a party that I'd really rather be at.  But, I promised Cory long before the party came up.

The other day, when I went to get my stuff, it went about as horribly as it could have (which explained my ending up in the ER with chest pains the day before).  He wouldn't let me have my cat, and he pushed me out the door (I actually hurt my elbow) and wouldn't let me get the rest of my stuff.  Then, he tried to get the cops involved - like that would have any sort of effect on me.  Some off-duty asshole getting involved.  If  Chris wasn't such a fucking self-righteous redneck, none of this would have happened.

Thankfully, though, I had my friend Landon with me.  I'm so glad he was with me, or I assume I could have gotten into some real trouble.  Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - advised me not to go alone.  I'm really glad I didn't.  Thank you, Landon.  I'm sorry you had to witness that.

With Chris, though, it's not even about the cat.  It's all about him being right...and abusive.  So, I guess I should have seen that coming.

Anyway, it's over.  I just hope sweet Domino survives.  I hate that I left him in that environment.  I'm sorry, Domino.  I still love you, and I'm sorry for what I've done to you.  You deserved so much better.

So, the incident is over, thank God.  It's past time to move on.  As usual, I made a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mistake, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

As for the aftermath...&=)

I went to hang out at Landon's place afterwards - just a touch of normalcy after the psychotic episode.  Cliff came home from work, and we got to sit around and chill for a while.  It was so nice.  I got to meet Landon's new girlfriend, Kassie - she's nice.  Then, they invited me to their party tonight, but I already had plans.

I got to meet someone, though.  It was someone I never got to know.  And, you know what?  He's a fantastic person.  I hope to learn a whole lot more about him in the future.  The past few years of his life haven't been the best, to which I can completely relate.  And, he's so sweet and tender, which is a definite change...a positive change!  It's been so long since I've been able to be around someone who enjoys being gentle.

Nothing happened - it was just...pleasant.  And, it was so comforting to be with someone with whom I felt safe.  Now, THAT has been something I haven't felt in years.  Safety.

Time is key, though.  The slower, the better.

More time to enjoy.

Let's just hope this works out.

Even if it doesn't, I've been in the most sensational mood all week.  It's nice to have a goofy grin plastered on your face, instead of a scowl.

Left behind...thank God.

Incidentally, just to prove why I'm glad I'm not going to Huntsville, here's a letter to demonstrate what I'm leaving behind there:

I have no intention of beleiving in your lies ever again. And I wont allow myself to be subject to your mood swings. I dont expect you to apologize or anythign else for that matter. If you understood why you do thew things you do then you wouldnt have done them. Yes, I am bitter. I have a right to be and I will be. I would have done anythign you asked if only you could have treated me right and you couldnt. You were too busy being hormonal, between meds, injured, or just plain bitchy and tired for no other reason than because you were tired. I hope there is somsoen that can be with you for all of you versions of  you and I hope that you are happy. There was evena time where I would have done anythign to help you be happy even at my own expence. I never wanted to love anyone again and youve reminded me why. Thank you.

For the record, I don't know most of what he's talking about.  This guy likes to fight just to fight.  And, you all know I'm a lover, not a fighter.

By the way, this is the guy who left me hanging any time I had a depressive episode - apparently, it cramped his style.

I know, I know - moving up there?  What the hell was I thinking?  Yeah, we all have those moments, right?

So, anyway, ummmm.....thoughts?

Where to start...where to end

So, I'm not going to Huntsville.

Everything kind of fell apart, but I can't admit that I'm not partially relieved.  I just got an email from Dave, saying that he has a patient who's going to Kenya in September to set up a water purification system.

*silence*

This is it.  This is what's supposed to happen.  There's a training center in Mississippi, so I may be moving after all.

I didn't know where to start, but I just let God help me stand, and He's leading me.  I'm almost beside myself with anticipation.

I know I haven't really been very communicative about what I've wanted from my traveling, but this is it.  The fact that people live and die on this earth, without ever tasting clean, fresh water, while we take a couple of sips from a bottle of water and throw it away - it's almost too much for me to bear. (Yes, and to keep myself from beating the crap out of someone for it.)

So, first, this.  Then, Kenya.  Then, Sudan?  Who knows?  I'm hoping that this will open some serious doors for me.  Because THIS is what I want to do.  I don't want to work in xray.  I don't mind the healthcare aspect, and I wouldn't mind taking xrays somewhere else.  But, I want to do THIS.  I want to help those who can't help themselves.  And, I don't want to do it in the comfort of my junky apartment, in Birmingham, Alabama, in the United States.  I want to venture out into other cultures, into war-torn countries.  I want to see my Bosnian friends.  I want to learn other languages.  I want to communicate with them.  I want to stand side-by-side with others, fighting against their oppressors.  I want to be a vessel of the Lord, bringing relief to others.

And, I don't even care about getting paid.

I just want to know that I can do this for the rest of my life, comfortably, so that others don't have to worry about having a meal or rest or medicine.  What have these people done for me?

Why?  Why does it have to be for gain?  Why is it always tit for tat?  Is greed that prevalent that you can't give consideration to the LIVES OF OTHERS???

Meh, don't get me started.  I've been getting ramped up on some serious soapbox issues tonight (eg. why don't you actually tell the people you love that you love them, instead of letting it go unsaid?  is it that hard to verbalize?  does it super-weeniefy you if you say it out loud?  really?  you need help.), so I should probably stop here, since it's so late.

I'm really excited.  &=)

I'm actually pretty speechless.  This is almost too good to be true.  This is why I was supposed to stay here.

http://www.livingwatersfortheworld.org/

I don't care your faith - just keep me in your thoughts, your meditations, your prayers, whatever.  This is really important to me, and I'd really like to get the ball rolling.

I love you guys. &=)  (see, I said it &=P)

We'll talk more, soon...

Ps. Thank you, Dave.  You'll always be my brother in Christ.  I'm so thankful to have you as a part of my life.

I had no idea you were so fertile!

My wonderful, beautiful friend Holly is pregnant, again! This is number 5!!!!

Congratulations, angel! I'm so very happy for you!

Maybe now you guys should think about getting a television or investing in another hobby! &=D

Ps. All those kids better be enrolled in clogging by the time the new baby turns one! You're wasting precious teaching time! Heck, after this one, you can make your own team! The Hudson Conglomerate! I hear Yellow Rose calling!!!!

Love you, girl!

Happy birthdays!

Oh, hey! I'm in a good mood today, and I'm not sure why! Also, no one has put me in a bad mood yet!

Also, today is my Baby B's birthday! He's nine today!!!! And, I don't want him to get any older!

Goosie turned 14 on the 13th, as did my friend Laura. Wait, Laura isn't 14. She's 32 - WOAH MY GOD! WE'RE 32 THIS YEAR!!!!! WTF IS GOING ON??!?!

Ugh, I hate getting older. Sometimes I just wish things would stay, you know?

Anyway, happy birthdays and belated birthdays to all my beloved angels! I love you guys SOOOOOO much, and I'm so very thankful to God every, single day for letting me be a part of your lives!!!!!!!

Braxton, we're going to have to figure something out for your birthday.

Goosie, I MIGHT have a surprise for you, if you're good and help your mom out around the house!

And, Laura - hell, we just need to go out! WHEN ARE YOU COMING HERE?????

I love you guys! I typed guts, actually! I love all of your guts, too! I love being in a good mood!!!!

I LOVE EVERYBODY!!!! Hugs and kisses all around!

&=)