The Christian and the Atheist

Ahhh, there's no way to pull out my thoughts, to put them on a page and cause them to make sense right now.

My friend Scott Brining from Kentucky came to visit me on Sunday and left today. We had an excellent dinner at Jinsei in Birmingham's very own podunk Soho (we have no capability for originality in this town), then witnessed a spectacular storm at the top of Red Mountain. Scott left today at lunch, and it's been so nice having a friend around, albeit only for two days. It's been close to eight years that we've known each other...but we don't feel that old!


I'm so glad that he came to visit, and I'm thankful that he made it down here safely, but I can't help but be plagued by thoughts of Phil. I missed him so much on Sunday, and I wanted him to be there with us, with my family. I want him to BE my family.

This is weird. This is too weird.


The Christian and the Atheist.


Yes, say what you want, but it doesn't and will never change the way I feel about him. Just because he's an atheist, doesn't make him a bad person, and I will defend him until the day I die. He and I put each other through a lot of stupid things, but I can assure you that I was the monster in most of those scenes.

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Someone very, very, VERY close to me finally said what I'd needed to hear. It was like she'd read my mind. How can you only ever have fellowship with believers? How do you witness? How do you spread God's love if you only stick with your "own kind?" Just because he doesn't believe what I believe doesn't make him WRONG - it doesn't make him a BAD PERSON! It's a realization or an understanding that I've had to come to on my own. I tried to buy my way out the first time with, "I'm a Christian, and you're not," but after all I've been through, I've discerned that it doesn't matter what our belief systems, as long as we're all working towards the common goal. He's a good person...scratch that. He's a WONDERFUL person. He has a very full and kind heart, he has a beautiful soul. If you don't believe me, then you've never met him. And, if you STILL don't believe it, then you're a jerk and obviously not a very kind, open-minded person.

I don't know if he'll ever love me again. I don't know if he'll ever be able to fully face me again, due to all the horrible things I did and said about him and his family. I was so angry. I was so bitter that Aaron and I were falling apart. I needed someone to blame. I needed a scapegoat - and I USED him.

I don't deserve to be in his presence, much less to ask him for a chance of any kind.

Aaron and I had some wonderful memories - we were young and growing, and we managed to have a good life together. Times change; people change. My circumstances led me to change. And, I did. But, after Aaron was gone, Phil was there. And, he loved me, despite my horrid faults.

And, I threw it all to the ground. I'm in the process of writing him a letter (like the old-fashioned, hand-written kind), and in it, I told him that back then, I wanted more than anything to let go of everything and just love him. I wanted past memories to stop haunting me, and I wanted to give everything that I was to him. But, all I did was fight with myself, and in turn, fight with him.

All is NOT fair in love and war, Frank Farleigh. You lie. YOU LIE!!!!!

*sigh* So, every day is lit with thoughts and memories of him, hoping that one day, he'll scoop me in his arms, again, and tell me that everything really will be okay. When you're on all fours in someone's home, in the middle of a full-blown panic attack, telling them that you don't think you can go through with being friends, because you're still in deeper, desperate love than you had originally foreseen, it gets kinda hard to just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and walk away from that (dignity sold separately).

He told me to give him time, that there's always a chance for anything...but I can't help but doubt. Just because - well, if I were him, I wouldn't want to get hurt, again, either. And, I don't. But, I don't intend on using this for pain. I want to go straight through with this.

Yes, I said it - I'd rather spend the rest of my life with an atheist, whom I love with the whole of my heart, and who loves me back, than any and every other asshole I've ever been with in the past (some company excluded, those of you who were non-assholes).

Read this. It's very, very true.

10 Things Christians and Atheists Can (and Must) Agree On

I'm really tired of atheists getting the shaft. They believe what they believe. It doesn't make them BAD. And, believe you me, there are PLENTY of bad Christians out there, too. Otherwise, those psychopaths (ie. Westboro Baptist) wouldn't be giving us a bad name! Does anyone see the irony in all of this? THIS IS NOT NEW NEWS, PEOPLE.

Be open-minded, for once. Like, REALLY, REALLY open-minded - not the kind where you just SAY you are. You don't have to let people tell you what to believe - just take your, um, "enthusiasm" down a notch when you're talking to someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as you. Being a vegetarian, have I ever tried to force a salad down someone's throat? Of course not, and the reason for that is that it's MY CHOICE. Whether it's right or wrong, I have my own reasons for believing it. YES, I believe that God is an ever-present being in all of our lives...but that's what *I* believe, and that will never change. But, I don't THREATEN people with it.

Stop threatening people with YOUR beliefs! Just STOP! All you do is piss people off!

I'm SO SICK of hypocrites. I know I have my moments. Don't flatter yourself - you do, too. But, when are we EVER going to step up and take responsibility for flat-out being assholes to each other?

Never - that's when.

But, I don't mind. I don't mind being one of the ones to traverse into "enemy territory." I'm not scared. I believe that God will always have my back, no matter what. And, my attitude and befriending may be the only witnessing some people get. If you're an atheist, the only thing that you'll have to get over with me is that I pray for your heart. I'll ALWAYS pray for your well-being. I'm not dogging you out to my God - I'm telling Him to please keep a special eye out for you, because you're very, very important to me. Atheists think about others, too, and hope for the prosperity of their loved ones and betterment of the world - just not by going through a Christians' Higher Authority.

Please think about that. Please remember that underneath, we're all just people. If we were all the same, there would be no point to life. But, we should embrace each other and flourish. We should help those who cannot help themselves. We should strive to be the best we can be. It's all relative and subjective anyway. Not to get too philosophical at this point, but human beings are the ones who constantly change the nuts and bolts of "right" and "wrong."

Right now, all I know in my life is that I want to do "good" things, whatever that means. I don't want to cause anyone any harm, and I want to help people to become better and happier.

And, I want him with me. Not just anyone.

Him.

Incidentally, I think that "MY" God has a fantastic sense of humor:

And, He thinks THIS is hilarious.

Loquacious, ain't she?

I couldn't do it.

Last night, after the ex showed up, I couldn't hold my tongue. I sat there for an entire hour on my own, trying to talk myself out of it.

But, the second I saw him, again, it all came out like a geyser. And, I'm still having a hard time not repeating myself right this second.

He said, "Give me the time that I gave you with Aaron."

Mmmmm....................

Okay. OKAY! But, I have plans, and they're trying to include you. And, I'm so trying to do this friend thing, and I SUCK AT IT. I do still love him. I am still in love with him. How could I not be? He's a wonderful person - he always has been. I've wasted all this time. I ALWAYS DO THAT! I'm trying SO HARD to stifle just taking him and running away - TOTALLY AGAINST HIS WILL. Do you know what that's called? It's called, "I'M LOSING MY EVER-LOVING MIND BECAUSE THAT IS KIDNAPPING/STALKING AND YOU COULD GO TO JAIL, WEIRDO." Thank God, I don't already have a white, windowless van - now, THAT would just be a catalyst for bad things to happen, eh?

But, help me out here. I TOLD him. I was on my knees, spilling everything - how sorry I was for everything, how he deserved better, how I still love him and that I was trying to secretly beat back my real emotions, but that all I wanted more than anything in the world was to get back together and do it right this time around....

WHAT??!? I SAID THAT?????

Jesus, Jen. I don't know how you ALWAYS manage to fuck things up. I'm just AGHAST! &=O

Okay, NOT everyone should know everything. I'm having a HUGE problem discerning between those situations...and people. Like I said, I function on emotion, alone, and I'm not good at "reading people." I have to be told things straight out.

Ohhhhh, is this why I felt so yucky the other day? Knowing I was going to TAKE OUT THE CITY JUST LIKE JENNIFER-ZILLA ALWAYS DOES?!??!??

("Sweetie, Jennifer stopped by. I don't know if you can tell from all the wreckage...but she told me to tell you hello.")

*sigh*

But, stay with me - or at least join me for this part. He didn't ask me to leave (I gave him all outs), he wasn't or didn't seem repelled when I told him that I still wanted to be with him, and he still wants to talk, or I'm assuming he wouldn't have said "call me/text me." And, I ASKED HIM FLAT-OUT (God, I'm a brazen thing in my old age!) if there was any chance of us getting back together. He said that he wouldn't write anything off, but he wanted to get to know each other and get to be better friends right now.

&=(

I hate open-ended shit. I mean, because I don't know EITHER! But, I guess I just want something to hold onto. I want to know he'll be there. But, I can't ask that of him. I said I wouldn't ask anything of him, and I can't.

I can't.

I'm just a wreck this morning - I didn't sleep at all, having to fight for him in every dream sequence, doing whatever I could to make him see how much I love him. It was horrible - and it never ended well. I woke up, chest heaving, so many times, I don't know that I ever hit REM.

This isn't the whole story - I wish I could tell you the whole story. I wish you had been there for the extent of our relationship. Aside from the whole weird stuff that went into it, I think we had a really good relationship. We loved each other (I can only speak for me when I say I still do), we had fun, we could talk, we were friends - he was my best friend for a long time, and I'll never forget how he carried me through all that crap with Aaron. He carried me. And, I never really asked him to - he just did.

And, I'm still in love with him. Desperately. Enough to do those "crazy things" he once talked about. But, now they're unwelcome, I suppose...

Heather always said it was different for her to see me in a lovey-dovey position, but I HAVE that. I have it and no one has ever really seen it, because I always feel like I'm having to hold my own in some way or another. One of the sweetest things that I'll always remember was one day, when he was down by the hospital, he came and put a card on my windshield, so I would find it when I got off from work. It's that kind of stuff that I just adore. It's just those tiny things that tell each other that you're constantly on each others' minds.

And, I never did it enough.

I just want a chance to do it right. I know - I KNOW I already had that chance. But, I didn't get to go into it with a clear head.

I don't like using it as an "excuse," but I have been through some pretty fucked up stuff.

And, I finally feel like life is becoming liveable again. I just want to do it right.

I have to remember that God's in control, and I'm powerless to whatever HAPPENS. I can control some things (obviously not my mouth), but everything else is playing out exactly how it's supposed to. And, life will go on, no matter what happens.

I just have to pick up the knack for patience, something I've never been good with.

I still have this beautiful letter he wrote me. He's not much for typing, but every time I read it, it just breaks my heart (in a good way) over and over again. It's cool to remember what it feels like to be in love. It's incredible...and I hope it's worth something to him.

I remember everything - the warmth and smell of his skin, the ways his arms feel around me, the complete abandon that happens when I'm in his presence......it's like it was last night, about 3am.............

Think before you sp...shit. Nevermind.

THIS IS WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.

WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE SAY IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS HARD?

PLUS, I'M A HORRIBLE KEEPER OF SECRETS FOR MYSELF.

At least I didn't lie to anyone.

Kismet is beautiful

It's 1245p on Tuesday night, and I'm still awake. And, my nerves are absolutely shot.

I have no idea what's going on, but I'm incredibly uneasy.

I'm no clairvoyant, but something feels amiss. I need to NOT feel this way the evening before my aunt and uncle board a plane to come visit from Seattle.

I've got to get out of this fucking attic. This place feels like such a source of torment for me. I've never been able to pinpoint why, but...

Crap, I'm scared all of a sudden. There's a giant knot in my stomach.

I just took a couple of klonopin - surely, that will assuage my nerves.

Does it mean things, though? And, even if it did, does it matter? How would I compel the fates to bend to my predilection?

Geez, I'm getting in far too deep at 1a in the morning.

I get to go see Jack tomorrow, so I'll try to concentrate on that. Hopefully, I'll have him back in another week. I really miss him, and I'll be so glad to have him back home. It's funny how I only had him for a couple of weeks, but now that he's gone, I miss him like crazy.

Plus, the "other one" fills my thoughts a lot. It's really quite annoying, when there's nothing there. I guess I have to get used to that, although the longing that is always sure to follow is what becomes maddening.

Speaking of "other ones," I emailed my ex-husband to congratulate him on his marriage yesterday. He seemed really excited when he responded and inquired after everyone else. It seems as though most of my bridges have been rebuilt, after the Jimmy-quake / Jimmy-zilla invasion in the early 21st century.

And, I swear beyond all that is holy and good in my life, I'm so thankful it's over. Life actually IS good...but if you ever see me wearing one of those t-shirts, punch me.

Maybe my vexation is a sign that things are changing. I always say that, but then I can never recall if they do or not.

Also, I can't get Flight of the Conchords, Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros out of my head:

"Did STEVE tell you that? What's HE got to do with this? What kind of rapping name is Steve? Steve..."

And, babies. I have babies on the brain. BABIES! Babies. Babiesbabiesbabiesbabies. I'm having some serious baby-yearning issues. But the same serious "no daddy" obstacle. That's the thing of it, huh? I guess I could get someone else's weird-ass, three-tailed, half-headed sperm, but I don't have that kind of money. Not even for the fucked-up kind.

Stop thinking about babies.

And, everything.

Right now.

Here we go - this always helps....

Crowded House

Don't Dream it's Over

There is freedom within, there is freedom without

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost

But you'll never see the end of the road

While you're travelling with me

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof

My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof

In the paper today tales of war and of waste

But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum

And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

Don't let them win

Haha, I actually miss the 80's. &=) What a simpler time.

*Now I'm listening to Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." I seriously want to make a mix-tape for someone right now.*

*Mr. Mister, "Broken Wings," anyone?*

I remember when me and Mom were fighting about whatever having to do with something about me being a teenager and wanting to grow up and her NOT wanting those things to happen, she BURST into tears and yelled, "It was so much easier when all I had to do was put a band-aid on things!"

I've still never forgotten that. &=) And, boy, was that ever the truth of it all.

*Haha, "Careless Whisper" from George Michael! The first man I can ever remember in my early youth as being gay. Little did I know, my mom's best friend Mark Hill was also gay, but I would find that out later. Now, every time I hear George Michael, I think of Mark Hill - sorry, babe!*

*Mmmmm, Duran Duran's "Come Undone..." I can see Heather and I locking ourselves in the car to listen to them and smoke and bitch about stuff, out behind the school, during study hall - and that isn't even a memory from my life! Lmao!*

Incidentally, ALL 80's music reminds me of Heather, just because that was "our time" - that's when she and I grew up. It also reminds me of those photos that I have from Mom, Amy, Diane and Mark Hill going to the Prince concert, and Mom brought me back a bunch of these fake flowers they had dropped over the crowd during "Purple Rain."

*Everyone's song, "Lovesong" by The Cure. 311 did a wonderfully dulcet rendition of this song that was absolute musical LSD for the brain. That song still holds a special place in my heart. ♥*

*Okay, okay - I give it up to Nick Hexum. I gotta listen to their version. Wow, this song takes me back.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥. *

*U2 "With or Without You" - this will forever be labelled the "Friends" song, because I had never been consciously aware of the words, until the Ross & Rachel episode. Since then, I try to play it every time I find a jukebox...that and some sort of System of a Down! &=D Anyway, Joshua Tree was, imho, the best album U2 has done to date.*

*This one guys will never understand - Sade's "Sweetest Taboo." We got into this discussion the other day in the OR. The guys wanted to know if Sade was guy or girl, and why did we like this androgynous-sounding music. When I was growing up, Sade was like Mom's friend, Gail Caceres - she was foreign, beautiful, desireable, yet untouchable...this music has the same effect on me as that "Romancing the Stone" duology.*

*Speaking of Huey Lewis and the News (which I wasn't), how about "The Power of Love?" These Michael Douglas / Kathleen Turner flicks always had this strange, alluring power over me. It was so adventurous, so transoceanic - travelling to different countries, traversing through jungles to find your loved ones or rescue the damsal in distress! Hahaha!!! They still make me feel like that!*

*One more - "When the Going Get's Tough, the Tough Get Going!" starring the incredible Billy Ocean, one of the most phenomenal singers I've ever heard. Hahaha, I'm so delirious from my medicine, all I can do is sing and dance to this song! The only thing this reminds me of is HOW MUCH I USED TO WEAR THESE VHS TAPES OUT!!!! It was the adventure of a lifetime!!!!*

Haha, okay, guys - I'm just going to lay on the bed and laugh for about an hour, or until I pass out!

KISMET OUT!!!!!!

*MUAH*

The delirious and hallucinating Kismet in bed - poor, poor thing!

Ralph Gibson

I'm supposed to go tomorrow to visit Jack and see how well he's doing. I'm so excited - he's going to be so big, and I don't want him to be! He's still my baby!!!!

I just realized how much I talk about Ralph, Jack's and Jezzabelle's trainer, but I've never once posted anything on him. Plus, several people have asked me how to get in touch with him.

Here's his site:
Ralph Gibson's World of Dogs

And the address isn't "world's best dog training" for no reason.

A lot of people have pets (dogs, in specific) just to say they have pets. But, if you really want to have a happy dog, you should definitely consider Ralph as a very valuable investment. You all know I'm somewhat of a tightwad - I won't throw away money on just anything like this, especially services linked with human promises. Those are worthless to me.

Had I not seen Ralph and his dogs, and not been first-hand party to his training with Jezzy, I would have never believed it.

His mission statement:
At Ralph Gibson's World of Dogs, we strive to eliminate any confusion between animals and humans. We do not use any outside reinforcements such as shock collars, food, treats, drugs, pinch chains, bribes, force, intimidation or punishment of any kind. We have the best, most effective and humane training programs available anywhere, focused on enhancing the relationship between the human and the canine.

He doesn't train fighting dogs, he doesn't do parlor tricks (shake and roll-over are useless) - and he's able to effectively train out bad behaviors in both owner and animal. He says most of it is being able to read your dog, compose his thoughts, and make him understand that YOU are alpha, because dogs crave the pack mentality - they WANT someone to be in charge. But, if you're going to sit on the couch and let the dog do whatever, then he develops his own agenda. HE'S alpha.

He offers differing training levels - basic and advanced obedience, but you can move up to other levels, such as offensive and defensive levels. Obviously, me and Jack are starting with basic.

I tried to use some of the things on Jack that we used with Jezzy, but like he said, they're two different dogs (just like people!), and what worked for one, might not work for the other. He said that I had established a bit of a foundation, but now (in school), it was time to strengthen that foundation and build from there. I have a LOT to learn, but I'm really excited! Me and Jack are gonna be in school together! &=)

He really is a super guy. And, if you have a dog, if nothing else, you should talk to this guy, take your dog in for a free evaluation, and watch his demonstration. It's one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen. Plus, he has an absolutely stunning repertoire with dogs. If this guy wasn't a dog in his past life, then I don't know - he's incredibly in tune with the canine family.

Anyway, I just wanted to give Ralph his props. He's been really good to us, and Jack is going to do so well! I'm already proud of him, and I haven't even gotten to see him!

Yay, Jackson! Mommy loves you! &=)

Don't be disheartened, f!*ktard.

Beginning of another week. More time to just kill until another Friday.

I hate wishing my life away.

It was so nice to hear from him this morning, although I know there's nothing on the other side. I just mean that I know there's nothing there for him. He doesn't care about me like I still care about him.

Plus, I feel like I'm pushing. I'm being OVERBEARING.

I'm just going to sit back and chill. Not in a mean way - I just don't really know how to go about this in any indirect way. I don't really know how to do anything indirectly. What I'm saying is that I'm socially inept and cannot function reticently...in any scenario. And, even when I try, it just becomes me tripping over my feet, trying to "turn it into a sexy dance."

GAH! I had such a fantastic time with him on Saturday, that it makes me want to always have that...or have a lot of that.

But, as I venture in to what I assumed would happen, if I did indeed pursue this, I have to remember that it's not against me. It's just how it's become.

I'm such a f!*ktard.

Remember:

I can, and I will. I refuse to mess this up. And, I refuse to let anything go down that's not consensual.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can.

I need a hug...or a high-five.

But I could...

Every so often, I'll run across a song that will completely enrapture me. This is one of them. I can't stop listening to it, even if it IS depressing and doesn't apply to my life right now. It's still beautiful.

The Cardigans - Couldn't Care Less

Oh my heart can't carry much more
It's really, really aching and sore
My heart don't care anymore
I really can't bear more
My hands don't work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
My heart can't carry much more
But you couldn't care less
Could you

Your face don't look like before
It's really not like yours anymore
Your eyes don't like me no more
They quiver and they shift to the floor
My heart don't beat like before
It's never been this slow
No my blood don't flow anymore
And you couldn't care less
Could you

Could we stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
But we really don't care do we

Baby let's stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell

Your back's not straight like before
You really shouldn't carry me no more
I'm much too heavy for you
I'm really quite a mess, yes
We just don't care anymore
We're crooked and were cut to the core
We're just not there anymore
But we really don't care do we
No, we couldn't care less
We couldn't care less
Could we?

Purple Rain by Stina

Stina Nordenstam performed this song. It has a totally different feel than the Prince version. It's absolutely wonderful. I just heard it and realized I'd never really listened the words. I really like them.

Purple Rain

by Stina Nordenstam

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the rain

Purple rain, purple rain x4

Never meant to be your weekend lover
I only want to be some kind of friend
I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x4

It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x2

Just breathe..............

Mood: agitated

For some reason, words fail me today.

Yesterday, I got to see my old friend...and it was exactly as I'd feared. My entire being ached for him. But, I managed to restrain, and we had a really good time - or I did, anyway. I'm not sure about him. I was so bent on reeling myself in (and keeping myself calm), that I couldn't tell how he was. I swore to myself, also, that I wouldn't psychoanalyze all of his movements, my movements, every tiny action, every little word, every "sign" (of which I experienced MANY) and although I'm still fighting it, I know I can do this.

Heather said I shouldn't lie to myself, but I'm going to push myself to do this if it kills me. Just because I want him back in my life, in some form. I feel like I'm playing a never-ending game of arm wrestling. It's agonizing trying to just keep up my strength, but if I fail...well, then I fail.

I still get the shakes when I think about it all - about loving him, about being with him, about the things through which we went and carried each other (although, I know he did most of the carrying)...and about being in contact with him again. Haha, I guess I have cooties, huh? Boy cooties. *psh*

I still know that I could take care of him better than anyone in this world - no matter our differences.

Yes, I'm still in love with him. But, I'll never let it slip from my mouth. I have to do this - because I want to.

He used to be so understandably upset, knowing that there was the "other one" looming in my past, always there. He'd be surprised to know that the other one is gone now, replaced only by memories of him. It's completely insane. Now, he is my other one.

I gave up a lot when I walked away. I always do.

I fail at life a lot. I make a lot of the wrong choices. But, I'm doing so good this time around. I've had to make some tough choices and let some people go from my life, but it was worth it. It's worth it, if it makes me a better person.

But, not this one. I can't let this one go. If nothing comes out of it, friendship or otherwise, then that's the way it is.

I have to try, though. If I don't, this is one of those things that I can see filling me with great regret in the future.

Please, God, don't let me mess this up.

Tiny, baby addendum @ 2141p:

I talked to him tonight, and he said he had a really good time yesterday. &=) This is far superior to the rockstar. I'm not analyzing it - I'm just being really, really happy. I'm allowed to do that, right?

Michael & Mom

mood: sincere

Wow. I've been watching really old Michael Hedges videos, and they so take me back, to such a different time in my life.

I remember how he'd make his yearly pilgrimage to the Music Hall in Southside, and we'd always go see him. He actually started recognizing us after a while. I was fortunate enough to shake the man's hand many times, and even have the most wonderful photo made with him. (I know - I REALLY need to get a scanner. Donations can be made to...)

One of my absolute favorite songs is "Because It's There." And, it's strange, because in December of '97, I remember being at Jack State, turning on WBHM, just like I did every night before I went to bed and hearing that song, right before they announced that this was in homage (I use the haughty French pronunciation, "oh-MAHZH") of the exquisite guitar player who was Michael Hedges. He had been in a car accident, after visiting with his girlfriend, and apparently, when he was thrown from the car, he perished instantly.

I can still remember calling my mom and frantically explaining what had happened. She and I sat on the phone and listened to his music and cried for what seemed like an eternity.

It makes me happy to finally be able think of the touching times my mom and I shared...a decade after her death.

Mom, I'm incredibly envious of you. You've been listening to him play for God for years. What an honor.

And, Michael, even now, twelve years later, you're sorely missed.

To Greg, who introduced us, & Gordon, who still talks to me about these times.

I was surprised to learn that I was secretly in love with Albuquerque, New Mexico.

In the late 90's, I went with my ex-husband to visit his extended family in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where he was born. I've always hated everything to do with the west - the climate, the sand, the houses - everything. But, when I got out there, I was very pleasantly surprised! It was wonderful out there! The weather was incredible, the sites were much better than pictures, and the people were SO much more friendly than they are here! I was shocked and enchanted by this wonderful new city. &=)