Pre-Pre-Op Activities

Yay! I had an ok day today! Unfortunately, it was the last time I'm going to see Heather for a WEEK! &=(

It was totally boring this morning - I slept all morning long, after letting the girls out on the balcony. I sort of did some thing around here, but hell, who am I kidding? I'm not pushing myself. My meds are all effed because of finances and crap, but I'm actually not in the hole this paycheck. I had backed out of my pedicure this morning, because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea with my money as tight as it is.

Anyway, Heather IM'd me later in the day and asked how I was doing, if I was nervous, and kept apologizing about not being there on Monday. We started talking, and she said when Lee got back with Grant, she would come get me, and we'd go get manicures and pedicures! I know she feels bad because she's not going to be here, so I begged her not to do this to soothe her conscience, because I really am ok. I'm not even worried, because I know every, single person who works in surgery, pre-op, recovery, anesthesia, etc.

So, she came and picked me up, and we went to the Galleria and went to the "Nail Shop" in there. I was horribly embarrassed though, because I haven't shaved my legs for, like, two weeks, and I'm not going to until tomorrow night. If I shave often, it makes my legs all stubbly and razor-burned and stuff. So, apparently I'd rather go out in public with hairy legs. Blech. The little Vietnamese lady doing my pedi tried to make me feel better by pulling up her pants and showing me HER hairy legs. I still didn't feel any better, sitting next to the tan, svelte, rich lady. The bottoms of my jeans were soaked when I got done - oh well. So, I've got french manicures on my fingers and toes! I look like a GIRL!!! &=D

I have the worst extremities ever, but I'm posting these anyway...

When we were leaving, I made Heather stop in JC Penney with me, so I could get some new underwears - I mean, your mom teaches you that, right? To always wear clean underwear in cause you're in an accident. Or nude at work. So, I got some black frilly stuff with pink cherries! &=) If anyone sees under my anything, I want to make sure it matches. In fact, I'm gonna take a picture of it.

Yay! Cute!

Ok, that was totally unnecessary. I'm just the most non-matching underwear person ever. I'm always excited to get new stuff. Monday's going to be even better, cause I'm getting a new knee! Well, not a new knee. Just a souped-up knee. "Pimp My Knee"

It's almost 10p. I might lay down for a bit, then go to Wal-Mart later. I really loathe that place, so it's always a toss up between going when there's a billion people or going when all the freaks are there.

Either way, you never win. Unfortunately, "big business" does.

<>to you<>

All I ever wanted was to get married and have a family.

I still don't understand so many things...




Here's to what we were -

I only wish you remembered and believed...

Arrrr! Scurgery...

Surgery hath been decided upon.

"Open reduction and internal fixation of right patella, with bone graft taken from right hip."

He's going to ream the inner, proximal end of my femur/hip with the Synthes reamer-irrigator-aspirator (RIA) and take the juicy bone graft from there. Then, he's going to scrape off the recalcification on the insides of the two broken pieces of my patella, put the bone graft between the two pieces, then use three tension screws to mush it all together.

I can't believe I've agreed for him to use the RIA. I watch them just dig the sh** out of peoples' legs with this thing on a daily basis, and it's a TAD INTIMIDATING!!!, especially if you actually know what's happening, but it's hellacool how it works. Overall, it's decidedly less painful than taking a graft from my pelvis, although a bit more involved than just screwing the two broken pieces together. He said if he were just screwing the two pieces of "already healed" bone together, it would take slightly longer to heal, than if he adds the graft.

Here's what the RIA looks like:

It's actually killer-cool to see it in action, if you had a percentage of my nerdiness and enjoyed this kind of stuff.

This was a grant that was awarded this year, so that makes me feel a little better:

James Stannard (Surgery) The Use of the Reamer-Irrigator-Aspirator (RIA) to Harvest Bone Graft for Treatment of Nonunions and Fractures Synthes USA $40,310, 2/1/2007-1/31/2009

http://main.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=105929

Anyway, I got all my pre-op done today, so I'm lined up and ready to go for Monday. At 5:30. In the morning. I really think I will stay overnight at the hospital. *rolls eyes* I might see if Amy and Shelb will stay the night at my house on Sunday. I'm just a little shaky, but it will all pass once that ativan hits my veins.

I told him that I put in for 4 weeks off work, but he said depending on how I do, I could come back in as little as 2 with a knee immobilizer on; or as people around here like to say it, "immobulizer". That's actually better than I expected! I'm really hoping he'll put me in one of those TROM (total range of motion) ones, so I'm able to get around easier. Those straight ones are hell.

But he said since the fracture/whatever was vertical instead of horizontal, he's not incredibly worried about me fugging that up. If it was horizontal, he would make me be non-weightbearing for some extended period of time. And, all I have to say to say to that is *phew*!

I asked him WHY it was hurting, and he said that on a minimally displaced fracture (or whatever) like this, the two pieces are scrubbing together, and the scrubbing is what causes the pain. That explains why it only hurts when I move it around, but not when I keep it still. I just always sort of assumed the patella was like some giant sesamoid, floating out in the middle of your leg. It's only since this that I realize what an incredible PAIN IN THE KNEE it can be. Thankfully, he doesn't see a reason to scope or do any extra hanging around in there.

Here's a bipartite patella, btw. My fracture-piece-whatever is almost a third of my patella, though. If I had a frigging scanner, I could scan my xray, but *pft*:

He started apologizing about how there was no other way to go about this other than taking a straight approach, and that he promised that he would use good closing techniques, so I wouldn't have a horrible scar. I laughed and said, "Dr. Stannard, I promise you, a scar is the least of my worries!"

Although, now that I think about it, I think I may see if he can make it in the shape of a lightning bolt....

people thinking out loud makes me psychotic

Every part of my body is tied in to the other part. When I get tired, I get really bad headaches. When I'm off my meds, I want to tear peoples' heads off. Right now, I'm trying to find an apartment, and my tummy has the makings of some killer diarrhea. Like you wanted to know that, but meh.

Everyone I've called so far has told me that since my lease is up July 23rd, to wait until the middle of June to start calling around, to see what's available. You know, I'm not incredibly good at this when it comes down to the wire.

I'm definitely going to find a place closer to work, somewhere in the Southside/Highlands area. I'm hoping to somehow luckily stumble across one of those older houses that have been made into apartments. Most of the ones that I've seen have been outrageous - but of course, those are the kind I'm looking for. I need something under $500, with W/D connections. What I WANT is a totally different story. But if I can have this place until I can get my money under wraps, I think I'll be cool.

That's probably what I'm going to end up doing while I'm laid up, recouping. Or I could just post on Craig's List - "Chick with broke leg seeks cheap apartment - hardwoods optional."

Orrrrr not. That sounds like some sick fetish ad or something.

OMFGBLAH! My body seems like it's trying SO hard to get me worked up into a frenzy, but I'm fighting it. It's that kind of impending panic attack I can see drifting towards me, like a rain cloud on the horizon. At least I get paid this week, which might get me out of the hole enough to pay rent. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that I'm eating mac-n-cheese every night is like living the high life. Course, I did drink someone's rank milk at work today, because my milk had not yet thawed and I have no money.

Just so you know, I'm never looking for handouts. This is just one of the few activities I do enjoy - chronicling my blundering and maladroit transition into real adulthood. I hope to look back on it one day and be able to laugh. For some reason, though, I'm doubting I'll ever have the opportunity to do any laughing at my own misfortune.

It's ok, though. I have up days and down days. This day is sorta like, "I'd rather be running through the halls carrying a severed head." There's nothing to do, so that makes me crazy. Chris isn't here, so other people are in charge and THAT usually entitles people to literally talk too much, and THAT makes me crazy. Also, I've changed to taking my meds at night instead of in the morning, so I'm wondering if that was a wise choice at this juncture. Ah, I don't really care. Right now.

If I can just manage to stave off this effing panic attack till the end of the day, I can go crazy-go-nuts. I'm also having some, eh, dilemmas within my own mind. Some possibly life-altering decisions that I can't quite get help on. (and NO, I'm not going to have gender reassignment surgery...sickos.) I'm just having that whole 'I can't stop effing my life up' thing. *phew* I can't think about that right now. I'm too keyed up as it is with this apartment business. But, I'll just do what I have to do - start calling mid-June. If I get something, I get it - if I don't, I'll, um, live at the hospital.

Hey, at least I'll never be late for work. "Yeah, I was here on time...I was just in the shower."

Tool

Paula, Heather and I just got back from seeing Tool perform at Oak Mountain, and - WOW. It's going to take me some time to come up with the right words to describe it.

I've always heard that you'll never be disappointed when attending a Tool concert, and they were right. I have to say that, aside from SOAD, who is dear to my heart, this was THE best concert I've ever been to. I absolutely couldn't get enough of their enigmatic and transcendental performances. Each song seemed to stretch on forever, and it just made me feel so alive, but relaxed and filtered at the same time. The power of the bass was phenomenal, and even though the outside setting was gorgeous, the sight of them playing against the dark, starless sky (could have been a more pleasant background without seeing Hooters looming in the distance), I think it could have been far more absorbing indoors.

It's like I told Heather, people underestimate the power of an awesome rock show. I mean, I don't know how many other people can appreciate stuff like this, like I do. But this show was absolutely unreal. This band has been around since 1990, and they have a style and sound that's virtually impossible to imitate. Plus, they're rich enough that they can afford the special effects, so that doesn't hurt.

They had the four digital projector screens behind the band, as well as on either sides of the stage, playing various images and scenes from their videos. They had these three awesome light halos over the stage that floated around and did all kinds of special light sequencing. The stage was usually lit in blues, greens and purples, casting dark shadows over the musicians' faces, so the band remained in it's obscure element. That always worries me about these bands that I like to think of as "untouchable" - how can they pull something off like this, in a public place. But they did it beautifully.

They poured smoke out, then proceeded to put on a lightshow that, I'm sure, made the LSD'ers go into cardiac arrest. The bright green lasers would blast out from the stage, and as they reached us up in the third tier, they had dissolved into light green gossamer strands that looked as though you could reach right up and pluck one out of the sky. Then, the lasers would split open and reveal this amazing diaphanous expanse - honestly, it was hard for me to keep my hands out of the sky. I wanted so badly to reach up and put my hand through it, possibly to feel the emotion that was a part of the music they were playing. I was a tad envious of the people closer up.

I still remember the first time I saw Maynard perform with A Perfect Circle, at Boutwell. He remained in the back of the stage, on a platform, in this diffused light. You can tell when he performs, he's in his own world.

God, to be a rock star.

Ji coming home!

OHHHH!!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!

We have a new baby!!!!!!

My aunt Sabrina's sister and husband, Cressie and Grinell are in China right now, finishing up the adoption process with their new baby girl! Her name is Ji Xia Lee Smith, and she is SOOOOO beautiful! They'll be in China until June 3, then they'll fly home to California, but they're supposed to be coming out here this summer to visit!

Here's what Sab said:

Hey Everybody!!

I hope y'all get this email, cause it has the first pictures Cres and Grinell took of the baby Ji!

She is so cute!! Can't wait to meet her myself!

They are in China til the 3rd of June. Then back to California where Greg and I will be there waiting for them to get off the plane.

So exciting!!

Crescent says she is a wonderful baby - takes two naps a day, bed by 8:30 or so and sleeps thru the night. She eats well, likes fishies to eat, doesn't like reconstituted rice cereal. She doesnt cry much and laughs and sings and coos a lot. She really sounds like a sweetheart. She loves to be held and can walk but doesn't like to. She is 15 months old and has 3 teeth.

So here's to Ji Xia Lee Smith and her parents!! Can't wait to see them all!! Hopefully we will be coming to Alabama this summer to see everyone. We'll know more after they get Ji home to the Dr. to schedule her cleft palate surgery.

Love y'all,

Sab

I'm waiting to see if Cres says it's ok for me to post some of the pics of Ji. She's soooo sweet, and I can't WAIT to meet her!

WOOOO!!!! Come home, Baby Ji!

beating up office furniture

I was reading one of those random questionnaires the other day, and one of the questions was, "How do you deal with anger?" I thought that was an interesting question, so I had to sorta think about it.

*thinking*

This is how I deal with anger:

I have to grab onto a stationary object and violently shake myself back and forth (this is usually accompanied by some for of growling or cursing).

One time, while I was at work, and I effed up an important film, I grabbed onto one of our counters, which have drawers underneath, and I went to do "my thing." I pitched backwards, flung the drawer out, and landed flat on my back, with the drawer on top of me.

People ask me why I have so many bruises. I've just started giving the same response - I'm an idiot.

**********************

I went to see the doc yesterday, for my checkup from falling out, and he said everything's fine. I asked him about the mumur that the other chick mentioned, and he said it was possible but obviously wasn't creating any type of problem. He even said I have the best blood pressure of all his patients, so that was nice to hear.

Oh, fo'shizzle, what else was I going to say? Oh yeah. When I came back, I got to go back in Dr. Gould's room, the surgeon whose room I was in when I passed out. Of course, everyone's been really nice and accomodating and looking at me all goggly-eyed and screaming out at inappropriate times "OMG! U'R NOT PREGGERS, R U??!LOLZZ!!1!1!!" Just like that. In "LOL-Kitteh" language. So, when I was on my way back in there, his nurse pulled me aside:

"I just wanted to tell you, before you hear it in the wrong context,"
*curious glance*
"Dr. Gould was really concerned about you..."
*holding breath, narrowing eyes*
"and after he heard you were feeling better, he told me that I needed to go find you and get you back in the room!"
*still holding breath at this point, starting to sweat*
"I told him that you were going to have to take the rest of the day off, because you just fainted! He said no, that we had to get you back, because you're exemplary and you're the only one who knows how to do everything he wants in his cases! He just kept saying, 'She's the best tech there is!'"
*massive exhalation*
"I just wanted to let you know that he was concerned about you - he just wanted you to come back because you're so good, and we had such a hell of a day ahead of us!"

*blushing* &=D I love being loved and appreciated!

I told her I kept begging them to let me just go back to work, but they wouldn't let me. So, I had to go around and find everyone and apologize. I hate letting people down...ever. Scott, the rez in my room, who was doing the actual surgery when it happened, found me and was like, "OMG! Are you ok???" I kept apologizing, and he was like, "No! Don't apologize! I was just so worried about you!" I said, "Well, as they were wheeling me out on the stretcher, I was crying and yelling out, 'TELL SCOTT I'M SORRY!!!' like the town drunk." Then as I was coming in for the case, Scott kept trying to help me push the c-arm in. I was like, "Dude. I'm ok. R-E-A-L-L-Y."

The way they treated me on Monday, I can't believe no one brought me a pacie [pass-ee] (pacifier) and some new diapers. What an ordeal! Next time I'm just going to tell them I did it on purpose.

"I totally MEANT to sit in the sharps container! I'm building up my immunities while at rest!...What do you mean it doesn't work? That's what that homeless man, with the needle in his arm, at the bus station said!"

Ok, I haffa pee.
Everyone is naming their top 10 movies. I don't know what mine are, but here's what I've said so far:

Meet Joe Black
Titus
Emperor's New Groove
Army of Darkness
Office Space

I'll have to keep thinking about this one. I know I'm leaving some out.

Barlow Girl & thoughts on depression

So, this is my kick right now - delving into song lyrics, describing what certain songs mean to me - deal. I was chatting with a friend the other day, and he said he wants to incorporate some of my, um, statements, I guess? into music. Which I think is totally...strange. And flattering! But, I mean, this whole blog is basically stream-of-consciousness. The stuff that comes out is normally what I'm thinking at a particular point in time, due to how I feel surrounding certain circumstances. It's normally about my health or depression, since those are the two strongest factors in my life right now, but it can be about anything.

Ok, to the song. This group is a Christian chick group, and I don't normally dig regular Christian music, for some reason, but this group is actually ok. How did I find them? Oh yeah, one night while I was driving back from "somewhere," perusing the stereo for something to listen to, I heard this song, and I started crying so hard, I actually had to pull over on the side of the road to give myself time to regroup. AGAIN, I apologize for any stereotypical or proverbial stuff you've heard before. But this IS my blag. What are you doing on the computer this time of the day anyway?

Sorry - anyway, this song is exactly what happened to me when my depression dealt it's final, controlling blow in my life. I just walked out. And, I remember regretting it even before I did it. I even remember how the ground felt under my fingers. I remember everything about that day. It's one thing I've always wished, for the sake of my sanity, I could forget.

Barlow Girl - She Walked Away

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
We'd promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

Tell her we love her
Tell her she's wanted
One more thing God
Tell her please come home
Please come home

The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how this story ends


I know people like to think they can relate to me and say they know where I'm coming from or understand how I feel, when I talk about my depression. But I try to keep myself from every saying that to anyone - EVER. I can only say I can vaguely relate, or I've felt similar feelings. But, no one can ever experience what YOU yourself are going through when you're going through something as all-consuming and panoptic as your own depression. I can't explain how it makes someone else feel, probably not even myself - it grips every aspect of every thought that enters your mind; it seeps into your bloodstream, inundating every single thing that makes you whole, inside and out; it poisons and distorts every memory you've ever had; the feeling of worthlessness and sadness is so profound, you wonder how people can continue to function, when there's so much that is sad in the world.

Sometimes you become so numb to the pain, so dead to the world around you, you don't think you'll ever feel anything other than absolute sorrow or have another sane thought ever again. Then there are times that the pain is so wracking, you beg and pray for the numbess to come again, plead for it to take over, just so you can stop crying and hurting long enough to take a breath.

There were days where when I'd managed to pass out from sheer exhaustion and crying so much, that I'd wake up and wonder if I'd always felt this way. Was there anything before this? Who was I? And why do people keep loving me, after all I've done and been?

There's a reason that I try to walk on eggshells when trying to describe something as intimidating as depression. Peoples' words and descriptions can come out all wrong and sometimes tend to make it sound so trite. It's all individually appreciated. No one person's experiences are ever the same as another person's. What you might have felt during something such as a tragedy, for instance, will never be the same exact feelings reproduced in another person. You can have similar overall emotions, but your thoughts are determined by who you are, what has shaped you as an individual. Each person's experiences are important to them, but rarely to other people. Not that people don't care, but they care more about the individual as a whole, rather than a single experience.

See, even now, when I try to put it into words, it sounds all wrong. But see, that's part of what's great about being people and having the ability to think for ourselves - we can learn and teach and enlighten. It bugs the crap out of me when others try to force their beliefs on people, but that's a whole different bedtime story, so let's not get into that.

Sorry - I know I've been bombarding my own site with posts. But I have to take it as it comes. It's a lot, but it sure helps put me at ease, when I'm able to get it out of my head, even briefly.

And, now I'm hungry. And, it's freezing as crap in here. And, I've got a hell of a headache, which is nothing new. I've, obviously, got a lot on my mind, and amazingly enough, under all this hair, there isn't enough room in my fat head to store all this stuff neatly. Grrr.... I need some major Ikea for the brain. Mine looks like Donald Duck's brain from that cartoon where he goes to Mathemagic Land. I love that show. And, I hate math.

Hinder - Better Than Me

I really, really, REALLY hate posting cliche music like this, but I have to. This song, although it's EXTREMELY popular, makes me sick every time I hear it. It's that feeling of internal whirling chaos, your insides crying out in desperation for forgiveness, while you're standing there, in front of the person you love more than anyone in the world, motionless and speechless, trying NOT to make any more of an ass as you already have by crying and grovelling in the dirt, as they tell you what they really think of you.

In my life, this has happened to me twice.

*sigh* It sucks when you meet who you really are.

Hinder - Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there’s one memory I don’t want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I’m lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would’ve said it’s over
And I can’t pretend that I won’t think about you when I’m older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can’t be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

Some songs are better as words. And some musicians were meant to be garbagemen.

Cary Brothers - Ride

Don't ask me why I keep posting music lyrics on here. But, it's my blog, and I can do what I want. I like posting songs and lyrics that I think are totally awesome. I wish I could figure out how to post actual songs without being sued. But anyway, here's more.

This song is one of the most beautifully executed songs I've ever heard. The baleful mourning, yet possibility of hope comes through so well, even though the song is so very short. This is one of those songs that puts that weird feeling in my heart, like I could wander around for hours inside of it and always feel at home. There's no past to it, no blame. It's only explaining that I am who I am and will always be that way, just to accept me, allow me to love, and help me to move on. The ambiguity of this song is so engrossing, how it can apply to just about any aspect of anyone's life. That's something that makes the artistry of music so appealing to me - if you can touch masses of people, even by saying so little, you have real talent. I envy that.

Cary Brothers - Ride

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I’ll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

Thank you for calling tech support - this is Hermione.

I've tried to hold out. Alas, today, I inconspicuously slipped back into the familiarity and comfort of Mugglenet. (I'm sorry, HJ - I held out for as long as I could!)

Any of you who know me, should already know by now, that I am a Harry Potter fanatic. This feels exactly like AA - "I'm Jennifer, and I'm addicted to Harry Potter." I dress up and go to midnight book parties and movie releases. I would sell Heather out and let you know that she does it with me, but I'm not sure if she wants me mentioning that. So, I won't.

In fact, the last book party we went to (at B&N, last year) was for the Half-Blood Prince, and I went dressed as Bellatrix LeStrange (look her up), and I won the costume competition. How's that for fanatical? *wink* Of course, I'm stressed as crap, because I exhausted the best costume I had for the last book party, won a free copy of the book, so now I don't know who to go as this year. &=( I really wanted to get Quidditch robes, but I don't see myself coming into that kind of money by July. Umm...so, any idears, you guys are more than welcome to pitch them. Just know, if I don't heed it, don't be offended. I DO have a certain "elitist" attitude and dignification I maintain for HP. What I'm saying is, I'm not going to go with a sheet thrown over my head, like Charlie Brown (again, Heather, I'm sorry - lmao).

I also like computers...a lot. I am one of the very few who can actually say I've always had a computer in my home, even if it started out as a Tandy TRS-80. A computer, nonetheless.

All this taken into consideration, I found this on Mugglenet, and felt it appropriate to share, in light of my..."personality." I do hope you can appreciate it:

Top 11 Reasons Harry Would Make a Poor IT Pro

Taken from NetworkComputing

11) Pet owl would attack computer mice and leave deposits on keyboards

10) Wand might misfire at annual meeting, killing shareholders

9) Invisibility cloak would hide him from users, management

8) He'd keep slapping servers and yelling, "Reparium Serviosa!"

7) He'd replace data-center door with portrait of password-hungry fat lady

6) Flame under cauldron would set off fire-suppression system

5) He'd behave too much like a manager, waving his wand and expecting results

4) He'd write all his command-line interfaces in Latin

3) He'd keep trying to link PCs via Floo Network

2) Server-room Quidditch. 'Nuff said

1) Would you leave a whiny teenager with identity issues alone in your data center?

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Blue October - Into the Ocean

Blue October - Into the Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time, is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me, pinch me, cause I'm still asleep
Please God tell me that I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
You'll notice that I'm not around
I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for
Pinch me
Try to see the world beyond your front door
Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for

reunite-y on ice?

Some recent news that troubles me, during my search for reforming bands, is that James Iha will not be joining up with the reforming Smashing Pumpkins. So, first they lost Jimmy, got him back, then D'arcy, who did not come back (replaced by Melissa Auf der Maur from Hole), and now James. What's the point of reforming a band, if you're not gonna be the same band? *sigh* Just venting. Of course, I could say the same thing about Fuel coming back as Fuel minus Brett Scallions (who is now with some band called The X's). Anyway, Pumpkins are supposedly releasing Zeitgeist 7.10.07. Fuel's new album Angels & Devils comes out 8.7.07. The only thing I've heard about Rage is that they briefly reunited at Coachella & are touring with Wu-Tang and Cypress Hill for the Rock the Bells tour (which must be awesome - too bad we're not worthy) - no more info than that.

If I can manage to see Pumpkins and Rage before they try to disassemble again, I will have seen everyone I wanted to see, and I can die a happy rocker. In fact, keeling over at a concert would be simultaneously cool and gross. Of course, there are other great people and bands I would like to see perform, but when you're going places like Opwijk & Doornroosje, umm...well, I don't like to be pushy, but I don't know what that even is. Is it a place? A concert hall? A city? A Russian labor camp? One of those communes where you can only come out if you wear velcro high-top Keds, drink crank-laced Mr Pibb, and marry some gross Ron Jeremy lookalike polygamist with 57 wives? I mean, I'm just SAYING...

That's one of my fears, is that me and Heather will take vacation one year, and end up in a place like Pike's Peak (she went - not me; apparently, they like to build giant bears attacking their bldgs there) and accidentally trip over a broom with someone, then be, like, married, and we can't leave.

Ok. Just wasting time before I have to go downstairs for the rest of the day. Blah. I'm just not feeling it this week. Ohhh, maybe this knee surgery time off will be good, although I can only see myself going stark-raving mad and clawing at the walls like "The Yellow Wallpaper."

Haven't read it? You should.

blag eater

Heeeey.....yeeeaaahhh...I don't know why my blag is eating the pictures I put on here. They look fine on my cmpootrz. Hmmm....oh well - I'll figger it out later probably than sooner. We've got a slightly busy day at work today, and Chris is off for Terri's wedding in Vegas, so that means everything will probably fall apart. 'Course, it is 8:10a, and the building hasn't caught fire yet, so that's amazing. If anything catches fire, it's usually because my boss isn't around....aaaand, it's usually my fault. I wish I was lying for comedic's sake, but my total awesomeness rears it's ugly head at work as well.

I'm just going to sit in this chair for as long as possible and listen to my ipod. I just dload'd a bunch of garbage on it this morning, around 1a, because I couldn't seem to make myself go to sleep. Grrrr - only a couple more months of bad finances, hopefully, and this nightmare will be over. The end of July can't get here quickly enough.

pix

I never post any pics on here, so I thought I'd share a few:

Me, a few days ago, during my nightly wind-down, musing about things such as the fate of humanity and what will happen when I actually turn 30 this year. We'll see, right?

I love dandelions - I wish I would have taken this picture. Alas, I stole it off yahoo.

These are my aunt's beautiful girls, Shelby, 13, and Erica, 16.

This is Shelby and her crawfish she so meticulously disassembled and devoured, from the Crawfish Boil this year. I stood in the corner and screamed.

This is Fuel's new lead singer, Toryn Green. He came post-Brett Scallions, and we got to see them perform at the Crawfish Boil this year. I was impressed. *grins*

I used to have a chinchilla years ago. His name was Luxo, and I loved him very much. It was amazing how much my heart hurt when he passed away, but I lost a lot of people and things close to me that year. Time hasn't always been kind to me. Anyway, I found this pic on ICHC, and it reminded me of him.

I have the world's largest collection of pictures that I refuse to share with the rest of the world, not because I don't want to, but because I never have time to scan them. Also, someone broke my scanner, so I'm thinking taking pictures of pictures won't be the way to go. I also have a broken drive that needs to be sent off to have those pictures rescued, but I never have the money saved up. All in good time.

Anyway, I'm obsessed with taking pictures, so I'm hoping to eventually come into my own in the next year or so, since mine was stolen.

This one is for Heather: HJ, I don't care what Karen says, this hair is anything but homeless.

This is my girl Jezzy popping a squat on her papa.

This was a picture someone took of me a few years ago, and it was altered by someone else, recently.

This is one of my very favorite pictures, that I took months ago. Jezzy just came up and rested her head on Booboo. You can just read the worries of the world in her face.

*sigh*

Ok. I'm going to put my groceries up. Heather was kind enough to come get me and drag me to the store with her, God love her. I'll try to post more later, but I'm not, er, feeling well, thank goodness. This just means I won't be on my cycle for my surgery, like I need any more embarrassment aside from having surgery at the hospital where I work. I already know I'm probably going to look like Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel when I wake up, but I've come to terms with that. &=) That's what happens when you mix work and friends...and propofol, versed, sterile markers & surgery.

Love and hugs to all! &=)

Hey yo, it's just another bombtrack

Ok, this is going to be relatively quick, because it's late, and I NEED my bed.



I got my heart monitor thing put on today - it's only on for 24 hours, so that's good, because the latex in these stickers is already eating my skin off underneath. It hurts SOOOO BAD! &=( But oh well.

Anyway, so ONCE AGAIN, I had to expose my front to a total stranger, for her to put the leads on me, she got me all hooked up, and gave me this GIANT I-POD to clip on my pants. It looks like an I-Pod for beginners. Or kindergarteners. "My First Giant I-Pod" - I can see the box already. It's more like a gigantic digital clock. For my hip. And, it's a whole hour behind. So, it's not helpful at all.

Ah, but I digress from my point of this post.

All around St. Vincent's, they're doing construction. It just so happens that part of the construction is going on right next to the parking deck I parked in. And, I heard all the hammering and whatnot when I first got there. The thing I parked in front of was this giant, metronomic, industrial post-hole digger or something. I mean, this thing is HUGE. And loud. I don't know what it is. But it has this giant steel post that slams into something in the ground, and makes this obscenely loud clanging sound for seemingly no reason, unless they're trying to break ground into hell. From what I hear, though, it's not really that hard to get in.

So, I step off the elevator, and I'm playing TextTwist (tm) on my phone, heading back to the car, already a little frazzled-feeling from the day. I hadn't noticed anything about the construction, because I'm just sort of an idiot, and I don't really pay attention to my surroundings. Never do, never will. So, then someone presses the start button on the post-holer, and that thing SLAMS into the ground, with this God-awful, high-pitched clang. And, I never saw it coming.

People...let me just tell you, all war jokes aside, I threw myself on the ground like we had just been hit by a bomb. I don't remember the last time I flew through the air, especially that long and that far. This horrid scream came out of my throat - a kind of "WAAAAHH!!!," and I dove onto the ground, face-first, into the pavement, with my arms over my head. I was belly-down on the ground of the St. Vincent's parking deck, head down, braced for impact. As the sound continued and the numbers began to add up, I had kind of gathered that I wasn't dead, so I put my head up to assess the situation. As I turned my head, there was a lady standing across the parking lot from me, with an absolutely horrified expression on her face. She said, "You know, that scared me too, but I don't think nearly as bad as it scared you." Bless her heart, she came over to help me up, and I had to dig my phone out from under 3 cars away.

If I didn't have an "episode" when that happened, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my heart (yeah, there's not anyway - just thought I'd throw that in.)

I was literally shaking when I got in the car and started to drive away. Gah, I'm STILL freaked out, just thinking about it! I know people think I'm a total drama queen, but oh well. That scared the sh** out of me. I hate being jumpy, but I am, so psh. At least I'm prepared for an explosion...but not really.

And now I have this stupid thing on till 2 tomorrow, so I'll let you know if I manage to NOT peel my skin off before then.

fall-out girl

Ok, let's see...first off, I'm ok.

Here's the story:
I was buzzing around in the OR, doing everything I normally do. I had just done a block in room 17, pulled the c-arm out, put it in Gould's case in 2, and in the middle of all of this, I was also running Gould's other case in 15. It's nothing new - I do it ALL the time. But apparently, physical overexertion wasn't in the cards for me yesterday. I went BACK into 2 to help them turn a patient while still under the sterile drapings, and let me tell you, that's REALLY a lot harder than it looks. You have to keep everything sterile, don't touch certain things, make sure you're not choking or chafing the patient, make sure their body is in a comfy position, put the straps back on, blah, blah, blah... Also, it was a big guy. And, I'm NOT a big guy. So, I finally come down off my adrenaline high from doing all that stuff, and I just got really hot, sweaty and dizzy, and I just checked out.

Apparently, I knew that it was happening, because they said I stumbled backwards, and everyone thought I tripped at first, which is totally not new, since I fall off a stool down there at least once a week. But, I googled over my feet, then fell back and hit my head on the door. The next thing I remember was opening my eyes, and our anesthesia guy, Darryl was standing over me. I was like, "Hey! Wait, what are you doing up there? In my face? Over here? Why am I over here? Wait...WHERE am I? Why am I on the ground? WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO ME???" And of course, I burst into tears when I realized what had happened. I mean, hey, I can make an ass of myself for the benefit of anyone who is standing around to take note - but geez, that's just embarrassing! *blushes*

I was also like simultaneously hot and cold when I woke up. Of course, I still had my mask and lead apron on. I do everything with my apron on, though. I mean, it's like 45 lbs of dead weight or something. Anyway, it's not that much - I've definitely worn worse. I started crying and hyperventilating when I woke up, cause I was totally freaked out, so of course my heart rate went through the roof. Anyway, I had a little bit of a hazy "woah, I don't feel so great" feeling. But I thought it was just some dizzy spell, and it would pass.

Well, it did.

But I had to take a nap on the floor for a minute.

When they finally PEELED my apron off of me, my clothes were absolutely drenched in sweat. And I smelled like livestock. Like maybe a donkey or chicken coop or something. But I remember standing there, feeling the sweat run down my stomach under my apron - not a favorite feeling of mine.

So they put me on a stretcher and wheeled me out in front of God and everyone (reminiscent of the time I fell and hurt my back at Children's and had to be wheeled out the front freaking door in the middle of the leather coat sale, then they turned the siren on the ambulance to "get through traffic" - need I say more?). They put me in recovery to monitor me, and my friend Ryan came out to sit with me. Or else was "assigned" to me. Anyway, he said he heard Mark, our OR tech, burst through the door and say, "Jennifer just hit the floor!," so he said he came in and saw Mark "dancing" with me. He said, "I walked in and saw Mark with his arms around you, like he was trying to restrain you. I figured, hey, you'd had enough and you lost it and were trying to kill the people in the room. No big deal. Code orange. Whatever." I was trying to breathe oxygen through a snotty nose and laugh at the same time.

Dr. Gould even stayed out there with me for a little bit. He said it was probably just my malaria kicking up again. I told him it's taken him 2 years to take me down, but he finally did it. &=) I felt perfectly fine after I got everything off and got cooled down. Ryan was like, "Great. Now every time someone wants something, they're going to pull a 'Jennifer.' 'Hey, I don't want to be in that room!'" *swoon*

Of course, everyone wanted to know if it was my bat bite. I was like, "No, I'm FINE! I swear!" But I had to go down to that stupid Workplace anyway and get checked out. She said she heard a little bit of a heart murmur, but when I got to Dr. Han's, he said he didn't hear anything. They're putting me on a holter monitor, just to be on the safe side, to make sure I didn't have any sudden drops in bp or something. They x-rayed my head, and it's just as solid and hard as ever. He said the only other things it could have been was sudden drop in blood sugar (but I'd had breakfast), dehydration or the fact that I just gave blood last week. Which, like, I'm not good at making lots of blood anyway...unless I'm bleeding. Then I make lots of it. Or it all just wants to get out through a particular opening/injury.

Ok, so what does this mean? Yes, I'm still vegetarian. Yes, I'm still unattractively pasty. Yes, I'm still going to have knee surgery. I'M FINE. I was fine yesterday, when I passed out (and laying on the ground). I kept begging them to let me go back to work, and I was like apologizing profusely to everyone. Chris has already asked me a couple of times if I was ok. I'm fine. I went downstairs to retrieve my books and stuff out of my apron, and everyone jumped me when I got off the elevator. I'm fine.

I mean, hey, don't get me wrong. I'm glad everyone is so concerned. I just got super burny-hot. But I really was ok and just wanted to go back to work.

Oh, crap, that was the OTHER thing. "Omg, are you pregnant?"

Um, not unless it's the second coming, cause I haven't seen any action in *ahem* QUITE SOME TIME. I loved being able to reveal so much about my personal life in the span of like 3 minutes. I make it a point to NOT mix business and "pleasure," or whatever you'd deem your outside life. Just...bad stuff happens if you do. *shivers* Let's not go there. Anyway, my two lives are just separate. Work is work and will always be work. Outside life is hanging out with the cats, Heather, family & sleeping. The end.

But NOT the end! Haha!

Aside from that, what else? Let's see...still looking for the perfect apt here in Southside, closer to work. Getting ready for surgery in two weeks. I'm going to go ahead and ask off for 4 weeks, but I'm pretty sure I'll be back before that. Unless I develop something weird to complicate things, which is always possible, if not expected, for me.

Ohhh, and Heather's Kitty Boy died last night. We don't know what happened, but she found him in the foyer yesterday, and he was laying there, drooling, so she rushed him to the vet. They did what they could, but he didn't make it. Heather sent me an email to tell me they're going to do an autopsy on him, to see if he was poisoned or something. It just makes me sad. &=( I hate when animals die, especially without their people. And as everyone knows, my animals ARE my people. I spend more time with my girls than I do at work. We lay around and watch tv and talk and I'M A CRAZY LADY, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS!!!!

Anyway, my sympathies to Heather and Kitty Boy. He wasn't especially friendly to me, but he was her kitty, and she'd had him since he was a baby.

Ok, so I'm outey for now. I'm back at work, and I gotta find something to do around here, or I'm going to go crazy.

*news flash*

i TOTALLY passed out at work today.

more laterzzz....