heather told me to stop saying i have AIDS.
so i don't have AIDS.
just something moderately similar...to herpes...or a disease...that will kill me...by a papercut.
no, really. we're still learning about this, but i have to go back to see my gp and get him to do some cultures and the like. damn. that means my exhaustion might NOT be a side-effect of this crap. which means i'm STILL fat and lazy. crap. crap and shoot. this is sucking. she talked to lee (her husband, "the smiley-faced doctor") last night, and so we're kinda trying to put all the pieces together. we all have some differing views & some similar views.
for one, i still think this happening about the time of my surgery is ENTIRELY too coincidental, even for me. i mean, i don't think anyone spit in my wound (no visuals, please) or used dirty tools, but it's just...strange.
second, heather said she noticed me never really coming back up the hill once i went down, after i got the cyst. it was like, i went really far downhill (health & mood-wise), but i've never fully recovered. after that, was really when this ignominious and unrelenting fatigue set in.
third, i DO have all these weird infected lesions popping up all over my body suddenly. i found another one last night, right before i called heather on the phone. it's on...(you ready for this?)...my butt. it's on my left buttcheek, right in the middle. but apparently it's been there, because it looks old and scarred. i just can't see that far down MY ASS. see? i told you check your butts. no one believes me.
anyway, i'm STILL waiting to hear from the doc's office, and i'm STILL going through with the sleep study, and i'm STILL going to talk to my psych, just to see if all this is intertwined. i mean, i can't imagine BEING DEPRESSED for as horrible as i've felt for this long!
no, seriously, i don't know how people have cancer for months and years and suffer. i don't know it. i mean, i guess i would do it, if that's what God put on me. but i guess what i'm saying is that it would just suck. i hate when people say at other peoples' funerals, "she never asked why. she never questioned why she was sick. she never asked God why her."
cripes, i get a speeding ticket, and i'm on the side of the road, laying face down, pitching a hissy fit in front of the police officer.
no one will ever say that about me at MY funeral. they'll be like, "this chick had some hellaluck, and she deserved every tiny bit of it." i mean, you think about it, there's SO MANY other people out there who could TOTALLY use the retributions of your bad karma. but, um, i'm pretty sure that's why God is God and not me. &=) you know, i've asked to be president before, but never God. i'd be smiting the hell out of some people, just for cutting me off in traffic. oh, and that ass who cut in line in front us at the gas station one time - ooooooo, that STILL burns me up. &>=(
anyway, i'm just rambling. i'm totally friggin bored at work, but i'm feeling a little better. not quite so emo. i'm about to have to walk down to surgery. *sigh* christ, i'm bored. bored, bored, bored. bored as shit.
lemme see, any new news to report? naaaah, not really. my heart is pounding out of my chest, but it's cause i feel so tired. what else is going on? nothing.
-jammy pie won't use the tiny litter box i got for her. she wants to go in the big box like booboo. they fight a lot, but i think they're gonna be ok, eventually.
-i gotta call my grandmother today, before she sends out the rescue squad. she's gonna kill me, if i don't call her soon.
-plus, i have to go see my family. i miss them, but i really don't feel like dragging this crappy, crabby mood with me. i WAS looking forward to thanksgiving, but i have to work it this year. this f*g job blows when it comes to holidays, and i've already spouted off about that before, so forgive me.
-me & heather get to hang out friday night. i think we're going to go to the hockey game, so landon, get me tickets - i swear i'm not going to be sick this weekend.
-ummm, still working on paying bills...
-now, i'm making things up. how about,...crap. i can't even think of anything good. ummm...i...can....read........something.
omg, for the first time ever, i've run out of stuff to say! well, i could prattle on about already overindulged subjects, but i'm not. oh, my knee still hurts. and one time, i drop-kicked my chinchilla across the room, because i thought he was a rat, and then i felt HORRIBLE.
*drops to knees*
"WHY, GOD???? WHY ME??!?!??"
ok, this is lame. stop reading. i'm boring my own self to sleep. ok, i'm gonna go bum around in OR and find someone to piss off. or hug. whatever.
11.14.2006
vortexual
see? it DOES happen. this is me & heather, btw.
heather's wearing the green shirt. and neither of us have hair. that's ok. i can't draw at all. i'm lucky i can breathe and walk at the same time.
heather's wearing the green shirt. and neither of us have hair. that's ok. i can't draw at all. i'm lucky i can breathe and walk at the same time.
bruised, but still here
i don't know how other people are, but for me it's so easy to get hurt. i hold things too closely, and i take too much on, too fast. it makes for my own drama, but no one can say i never had the ability to love.
my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.
does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.
i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...
i'm...
so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?
what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.
my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.
it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.
i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.
they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.
don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.
it's me, not you.
it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.
but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".
worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.
just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.
my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.
does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.
i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...
i'm...
so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?
what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.
my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.
it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.
i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.
they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.
don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.
it's me, not you.
it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.
but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".
worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.
just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.
11.13.2006
your motivation is MRSA, aaand action!
ok, new developments in the "jen butt saga":
i don't know that i ever said, but my culture for my abscess turned out to be MRSA. for those of you who DON'T know, that's really, really bad. in the healthcare industry, we treat it about like HIV. so, with that in mind, me = AIDS. let's move on.
in the past 3 days, i had a pimple pop up on the front of my right hip. at first, it started out like an ingrown hair. so i dug and dug and pushed and probed and ALMOST lanced it myself (because i'm all about doing pretend surgeries on people, even me), but then i remembered about my MRSA. i was like, "well, crap. maybe i better let someone look at it first." for once in my life, this ridiculous thing called a conscience actually kicked in when it was supposed to, and it WON! anyway, couple of days went by, and it's gotten bigger, redder, hotter, and looks pus-filled. it's gooooooood.
so, this morning, i stopped by the ER while we weren't busy during work. i told them of my previous encounter with MRSA, and only because i hear people saying it in surgery all the time. otherwise, i might not have been smart enough to mention it on my own. i'm so stupid. the things that i think should be linked, never are. and the things that are, i'm like, "no way! that's not even close to being in the same universe!"
i get triaged, show everyone my near-pubic area (it's always something below the waist - are we seeing a pattern yet?), and go sit on my lil stretcher. mind you, for the past few weeks, i have felt like COMPLETE and total crap, to the nth degree, with whatever formidable cliche you can think to add onto that. i really feel awful. can't think straight. can't stay awake. can't do anything right. anyway, you get what i'm saying.
so, doc robertson comes in, and i show him and as he's stepping forward, i say, "and i had a pilonidal abscess that tested positive for MRSA about a month ago," and he actually steps back and puts his hands in the air. i guess the gun i was carrying was unnecessary - sorry, bad mood, bad joke. he says, "woah, i have it, too, so i'm not even going to touch you." i swear, there are times that i feel like my face is like japanime. i was like "&=O, you have it??? " he said he has the same types of lesions develop on him, blah, blah, blah, so now i'm a "carrier of MRSA". so, i'm all freaked out now, he prescribes me doxycycline & sulfa, and i go call the employee health nurse. be it that i work in surgery, she has to document it (like my folder's not big enough), and now i can't TOUCH anybody.
i'm completely freaked out at this point. i mean, who the hell HAVE i infected?? is this like an STD? but i talked to heather, and she was like, "you know, you really haven't been the same since the 'cyst incident'. if this is systemic, maybe this is why you've been feeling so rough." makes sense, right? well, that's why she's my best friend and britney spears isn't.
so, i'm kinda in a fog right now. i'm really nervous about this MRSA thing. because i thought i knew a lot about it, but that's actually equivalent to nothing. at all. because i know it can be passed by blood, but once it crosses the barrier into your lungs, it becomes airborne, and i can cause an epidemic. i mean, if i WANTED to. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that responsibility yet. i'm just thinking it's crossed into my brain, and that's why i'm so RETARDED. but studies say no - MRSA does NOT cause retardation.
so, what does all this mean? well for starters, i have to stop giving under-the-table blood transfusions. i mean, i have NO idea how i'm going to make ends meet now. and secondly, i'm incredibly more susceptible to infections. as in, the thing on my hip wouldn't be a percentage of what it is, if i didn't have MRSA. but this thing is so big and red and hurting, it's actually hurting in my abdomen and leg, and no, i'm not exaggerating. so MRSA is basically the "drama queen" of infections.
oh, goodie.
you know, i can't ever stumble across a million dollars in an unmarked bag in the parking lot of a food world. no. i have to acquire strange diseases. i told heather, i'm just WAITING for one of us to get something that we actually have named after us. "jimmersitis" "polyharpery"
*sigh* it's times like this that i'm pretty sure God is playing a joke on me. i know that's not true, but i'm having that despondent "why me" feeling. blah.
oh, and i'll update more later, but at dr han's, they're scheduling me for a sleep study, and i have to go back and see my psych. all of this is just in case, because we can't seem to find anything else...except the bright red, gaping wound on my hip. which i conveniently forgot to tell him about. see, i'm so out of it, i can't even go to the doctor right. i get to the window to give them my insurance information, and i'm all, "i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
one day.
one day, i'll get it together.
not today, though.
and not anytime soon.
pardon my english, but this shit is kicking my ass. i just got out of the shower, and i feel like i've run a marathon. but you know what else? i just woke up from a nap, and i'm about to have to take another one. you know, because i don't want to be tired...FOR SLEEP.
*siiiiiiiiiigh*
i don't know that i ever said, but my culture for my abscess turned out to be MRSA. for those of you who DON'T know, that's really, really bad. in the healthcare industry, we treat it about like HIV. so, with that in mind, me = AIDS. let's move on.
in the past 3 days, i had a pimple pop up on the front of my right hip. at first, it started out like an ingrown hair. so i dug and dug and pushed and probed and ALMOST lanced it myself (because i'm all about doing pretend surgeries on people, even me), but then i remembered about my MRSA. i was like, "well, crap. maybe i better let someone look at it first." for once in my life, this ridiculous thing called a conscience actually kicked in when it was supposed to, and it WON! anyway, couple of days went by, and it's gotten bigger, redder, hotter, and looks pus-filled. it's gooooooood.
so, this morning, i stopped by the ER while we weren't busy during work. i told them of my previous encounter with MRSA, and only because i hear people saying it in surgery all the time. otherwise, i might not have been smart enough to mention it on my own. i'm so stupid. the things that i think should be linked, never are. and the things that are, i'm like, "no way! that's not even close to being in the same universe!"
i get triaged, show everyone my near-pubic area (it's always something below the waist - are we seeing a pattern yet?), and go sit on my lil stretcher. mind you, for the past few weeks, i have felt like COMPLETE and total crap, to the nth degree, with whatever formidable cliche you can think to add onto that. i really feel awful. can't think straight. can't stay awake. can't do anything right. anyway, you get what i'm saying.
so, doc robertson comes in, and i show him and as he's stepping forward, i say, "and i had a pilonidal abscess that tested positive for MRSA about a month ago," and he actually steps back and puts his hands in the air. i guess the gun i was carrying was unnecessary - sorry, bad mood, bad joke. he says, "woah, i have it, too, so i'm not even going to touch you." i swear, there are times that i feel like my face is like japanime. i was like "&=O, you have it??? " he said he has the same types of lesions develop on him, blah, blah, blah, so now i'm a "carrier of MRSA". so, i'm all freaked out now, he prescribes me doxycycline & sulfa, and i go call the employee health nurse. be it that i work in surgery, she has to document it (like my folder's not big enough), and now i can't TOUCH anybody.
i'm completely freaked out at this point. i mean, who the hell HAVE i infected?? is this like an STD? but i talked to heather, and she was like, "you know, you really haven't been the same since the 'cyst incident'. if this is systemic, maybe this is why you've been feeling so rough." makes sense, right? well, that's why she's my best friend and britney spears isn't.
so, i'm kinda in a fog right now. i'm really nervous about this MRSA thing. because i thought i knew a lot about it, but that's actually equivalent to nothing. at all. because i know it can be passed by blood, but once it crosses the barrier into your lungs, it becomes airborne, and i can cause an epidemic. i mean, if i WANTED to. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that responsibility yet. i'm just thinking it's crossed into my brain, and that's why i'm so RETARDED. but studies say no - MRSA does NOT cause retardation.
so, what does all this mean? well for starters, i have to stop giving under-the-table blood transfusions. i mean, i have NO idea how i'm going to make ends meet now. and secondly, i'm incredibly more susceptible to infections. as in, the thing on my hip wouldn't be a percentage of what it is, if i didn't have MRSA. but this thing is so big and red and hurting, it's actually hurting in my abdomen and leg, and no, i'm not exaggerating. so MRSA is basically the "drama queen" of infections.
oh, goodie.
you know, i can't ever stumble across a million dollars in an unmarked bag in the parking lot of a food world. no. i have to acquire strange diseases. i told heather, i'm just WAITING for one of us to get something that we actually have named after us. "jimmersitis" "polyharpery"
*sigh* it's times like this that i'm pretty sure God is playing a joke on me. i know that's not true, but i'm having that despondent "why me" feeling. blah.
oh, and i'll update more later, but at dr han's, they're scheduling me for a sleep study, and i have to go back and see my psych. all of this is just in case, because we can't seem to find anything else...except the bright red, gaping wound on my hip. which i conveniently forgot to tell him about. see, i'm so out of it, i can't even go to the doctor right. i get to the window to give them my insurance information, and i'm all, "i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
one day.
one day, i'll get it together.
not today, though.
and not anytime soon.
pardon my english, but this shit is kicking my ass. i just got out of the shower, and i feel like i've run a marathon. but you know what else? i just woke up from a nap, and i'm about to have to take another one. you know, because i don't want to be tired...FOR SLEEP.
*siiiiiiiiiigh*
rewind / erase
my life is constantly flashing 12:00.
i'm one of those people who REEEEEEALLY needs a rewind button. or redo. do-over. insert tab here. don't be a jackass.
me = stupid, friggin idiot who can destroy any good thing just by OPENING HER MOUTH. and then flies come out. isn't that what people do in hell? they open their mouths and flies come out? well, i'm pretty sure i'm an idiot, so don't ask me where i was going with that.
hey, look! a good thing!
*CRUSH, SMASH, CRUNCH, PUSH, WHAM, OBLITERATE*
there, fixed that! no more good things for the jimmy. jesus, it's like my brain is still on training wheels! please don't ask me what i mean! BECAUSE I'M STUPID! AND I CAN FUCK ANYTHING UP!!!!!!!!! &=(
just stay away - as far away as you can. that's what i have to say to people who have not already entered the vortex once. it's like a friggin tornado-ish black hole with a side of hurricane mixed in with some typhoon. i mean, COME ON!!!!!!!! WHO'S WRITING THIS ANYWAY????
*sigh*
i'm going to bed...again. AND i'm watching spongebob. because i can't deal with real life. it's too much. and i'm too weak.
11.12.2006
&=) v. &=/
i'm having 5 good minutes. okaaaaay, GO!
so, i can't really talk a lot about what's going on, cause it's kinda private, but just in my head - don't worry, i'm not sharing with anyone right now. i'm just scared to get hurt. again. right now. but i - ok, i'm just in a good mood. what happened? nothing! nothing happened. i'm just feeling better, right this second. sometimes i think i'm bipolar, cept'n my highs aren't that high. like now, i'm just in a good mood, and i feel a little floaty. and NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN SMOKING OR DRINKING, so thank you very much.
ummm, i'm 'bout to go, inna minute. but i just wanted to say that i went to the doc (finally), and he's setting me up for a sleep study, cause he thinks i MIGHT have sleep apnea. i told him i have really, really bad headaches, and i can sleep a whole, whole lot, but when i wake up, it's like i haven't slept at all. and i said, "sleep apnea's for fatties," and he said, "ahhh, common misconception." otherwise, blood work's fine, and i'm just trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, eg. the depression or the fatigue. so we'll see.
and sorry to the fatties. i didn't mean to say fatty (un-pc), but you get what i'm saying. and i love fatties anyway. and i am one, so stfu.
woah, i'm stellar all of a sudden. and i'm scared to be. i'm afraid to be in a good mood. GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
maybe...but i dunno. no. be quiet. don't say things. i didn't. say anything. das a good movie. oh, and i took ricky to see fearless, the jet li movie, and it was really good. i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. oh, and me and heather are having date night next friday, so i'm glad of that. god, why is my depression so long-standing? i wish i could feel this way ALL the time. i'm going to end up turning to drugs one day - i can forsee it! &=( crap. i'm tired of crap. and sometimes i think i'm ready to settle down, BUT NO! so be quiet. i didn't say anything! &=( i think the biggest hard part is over. and i'm scared. because it might be over, but it might not.
all this = i'm tired of being disappointed, and sometimes i think if it happens one more time, i'm gonna snap. just *SNAP*.
ok, there it is. the call is in. i hafta go. &=) wish me luck!
postscript:
see? i'm THE biggest buzzkill, just in case anyone was wondering. i shot that mother-fucker down like a sharpshooter on crack. damn, i'm good. and it took me...a week and a half? god, i'm a friggin' idiot.
that's all - i'm just an idiot. and i don't know why they let people like me out in public.
christ, this sucks. i'm going to bed. like forever. JESUS, i hate being a chick. and i hate thinking too much! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...........................
&=P
so, i can't really talk a lot about what's going on, cause it's kinda private, but just in my head - don't worry, i'm not sharing with anyone right now. i'm just scared to get hurt. again. right now. but i - ok, i'm just in a good mood. what happened? nothing! nothing happened. i'm just feeling better, right this second. sometimes i think i'm bipolar, cept'n my highs aren't that high. like now, i'm just in a good mood, and i feel a little floaty. and NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN SMOKING OR DRINKING, so thank you very much.
ummm, i'm 'bout to go, inna minute. but i just wanted to say that i went to the doc (finally), and he's setting me up for a sleep study, cause he thinks i MIGHT have sleep apnea. i told him i have really, really bad headaches, and i can sleep a whole, whole lot, but when i wake up, it's like i haven't slept at all. and i said, "sleep apnea's for fatties," and he said, "ahhh, common misconception." otherwise, blood work's fine, and i'm just trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, eg. the depression or the fatigue. so we'll see.
and sorry to the fatties. i didn't mean to say fatty (un-pc), but you get what i'm saying. and i love fatties anyway. and i am one, so stfu.
woah, i'm stellar all of a sudden. and i'm scared to be. i'm afraid to be in a good mood. GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
maybe...but i dunno. no. be quiet. don't say things. i didn't. say anything. das a good movie. oh, and i took ricky to see fearless, the jet li movie, and it was really good. i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. oh, and me and heather are having date night next friday, so i'm glad of that. god, why is my depression so long-standing? i wish i could feel this way ALL the time. i'm going to end up turning to drugs one day - i can forsee it! &=( crap. i'm tired of crap. and sometimes i think i'm ready to settle down, BUT NO! so be quiet. i didn't say anything! &=( i think the biggest hard part is over. and i'm scared. because it might be over, but it might not.
all this = i'm tired of being disappointed, and sometimes i think if it happens one more time, i'm gonna snap. just *SNAP*.
ok, there it is. the call is in. i hafta go. &=) wish me luck!
postscript:
see? i'm THE biggest buzzkill, just in case anyone was wondering. i shot that mother-fucker down like a sharpshooter on crack. damn, i'm good. and it took me...a week and a half? god, i'm a friggin' idiot.
that's all - i'm just an idiot. and i don't know why they let people like me out in public.
christ, this sucks. i'm going to bed. like forever. JESUS, i hate being a chick. and i hate thinking too much! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...........................
&=P
11.09.2006
lying is as addictive as smoking
i was just talking to my friend ron - he's concerned that the chick he likes is sneaking around with his best friend. we talked a bit about why people lie, and what makes them do what they do. that always sets me in reverse motion, and i start (again) thinking about my past. i realized that the reason i can't lie anymore is because i can't hurt anyone anymore. telling lies, no matter for how long and for what reason, is SOOOO much easier than telling the truth. because the truth incriminates YOU. with lies, you incriminate everyone else. with lies, you don't have to own up to what mistakes you've made. with lies, you get to continue to have your cake and eat it, too. with the truth, you're found out, you're the bad person, and you have to admit that what you're doing is wrong. and who likes to admit they're wrong?
"i didn't want to hurt you." yeah, well, fuck you. if you didn't want to hurt me, why'd you do it? der. not everyone is in their right mind at all times, granted. i can speak from both ends of the spectrum. i've been the cheater and the cheatee. but you know, the only person i can really speak for is myself. we can assume anything about the other person's motives, but we'll never really know. there are some people who will never really know for themselves, because they're too afraid to admit it. we always try to find that "good enough" reason to lightly paper over the lie, and if we say it enough, we'll eventually start to believe it, too. it works - i know.
for me, the lies eat me from the inside out. i'm pretty paranoid that everyone is staring at me, because "they know". their gazes linger a little too long. they're whispering...about me. my walk gives it away, my labored breathing, my staunched personality, everything. so, i gave it up. i gave up lying, like some people give up smoking. now, i do it every once in a while, just to see if i can, but the smell is so foul, i have to put it out. and smell of past lies linger in my clothes and on my skin, even today. there are some lies i'm pretty sure i'll never be able to wash off.
people, although living the same types of lives, day in and day out, CONTINUE to make the same mistakes, again and again - with people as individuals, we are ALWAYS doomed to repeat history. we always think "we're" the ones who know better. that's why teens are so retarded. that's why i was retarded. that's why erica's retarded. that's why shelby will be retarded. that's why goose & braxton will be retarded. because we know. we've had the experiences, albeit different - WE KNOW. and if people would just learn to "TALK" and other people would learn to "LISTEN & NOT JUDGE," life might be just a tiny bit more dealable.
as for life, there's this certain "formula" that we think we have to follow. i mean, i guess it makes sense, but just because some sicko who thinks he's in charge of the universe (um, not God) decided that the way life works is this: be born, grow up, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids, grow old, die - you know, we don't necessarily have to follow that exact strategy. just because it worked for 3, 18 or 700 guys, doesn't mean it's going to work that way for everyone. i still feel like the "biggest loser on the beach" because i'm divorced before i know how to properly balance a checkbook.
i mean, i swear, beyond aaron, i was pretty sure there was no life. but there is. following some years. i don't know where he is anymore, what he's doing. i wish i did. i wish we were friends. i wish i could be his friend. i wish i had my "family" back. i wish i could be a friend to anyone. right now, i'm living in my own "what about bob?" scenario. people drag this dead body around, and other people think i'm just "eerily quiet".
speaking of fam, i'm a total psycho for mine. they're awesome. i think i have the most wonderful, unique family in the world. i'm absolutely 100% sure about that. be it that i've lost a good part of my family (some to natural causes, some to divorce, some against my will...some that were never mine by blood in the first place), the ones i have left are like gold. hell, you guys know how i am about money - i'd throw infinite money off into the grand canyon for my family.
******
just shot a chest x-ray, and our ultrasound tech, alyssa, had to shoot while i held the lady's arms up. the lady was coming out of the bldg that she works in, and the security guard hit her. alyssa said, "was he drunk?," and the lady said, "no, his windows were fogged." so he's just driving around the parking lot, where people are, scoring hits left and right. THE SECURITY GUARD. geez, i feel totally safe, now. *duck & roll*
and i got the woman's arms up and yelled at alyssa, "ok, go ahead!," when i looked around and she's standing in the room. she said, "go ahead with what?" THEN, i decided to realize that she's never shot an xray in her life - she went to ultrasound school (she's not from here - here, we have to go through x-ray school, then pick a specialization like us). i was like, "oh crap, sorry - go back there - see the button on the side? push it and hold it down until i say stop!" so that was funny. well, funny if you're a tech. so everyone just disregard that.depressed people have a hard time saying funny things. or something.
cripes, this "friday" thursday has been like 7 wednesdays on a sunday today. i'll update on my doc visit - we usually fight when i go, because i'm like, "NO! you're not telling me i'm crazy because you're afraid i really am!" well, i make him laugh, so that's always cool. he thinks i'm funny...looking. i guess i need to make a list of all my concerns. that always elicits a tiny little sigh from the end of the doc, and i think it's funny. every time i would go see my old internist, she'd walk in and say, "ok, where's your list?" she was friggin awesome.
ok, i'm going now, because rambling is about to commence. i'm linking this to my new gmail acct, so i can have rambling ones of these that you guys don't have to read. i mean, one time, i wrote an entire post using only the word "fuck". i'm PURTY sure you don't want to read that one.
...love ya'lls...
"i didn't want to hurt you." yeah, well, fuck you. if you didn't want to hurt me, why'd you do it? der. not everyone is in their right mind at all times, granted. i can speak from both ends of the spectrum. i've been the cheater and the cheatee. but you know, the only person i can really speak for is myself. we can assume anything about the other person's motives, but we'll never really know. there are some people who will never really know for themselves, because they're too afraid to admit it. we always try to find that "good enough" reason to lightly paper over the lie, and if we say it enough, we'll eventually start to believe it, too. it works - i know.
for me, the lies eat me from the inside out. i'm pretty paranoid that everyone is staring at me, because "they know". their gazes linger a little too long. they're whispering...about me. my walk gives it away, my labored breathing, my staunched personality, everything. so, i gave it up. i gave up lying, like some people give up smoking. now, i do it every once in a while, just to see if i can, but the smell is so foul, i have to put it out. and smell of past lies linger in my clothes and on my skin, even today. there are some lies i'm pretty sure i'll never be able to wash off.
people, although living the same types of lives, day in and day out, CONTINUE to make the same mistakes, again and again - with people as individuals, we are ALWAYS doomed to repeat history. we always think "we're" the ones who know better. that's why teens are so retarded. that's why i was retarded. that's why erica's retarded. that's why shelby will be retarded. that's why goose & braxton will be retarded. because we know. we've had the experiences, albeit different - WE KNOW. and if people would just learn to "TALK" and other people would learn to "LISTEN & NOT JUDGE," life might be just a tiny bit more dealable.
as for life, there's this certain "formula" that we think we have to follow. i mean, i guess it makes sense, but just because some sicko who thinks he's in charge of the universe (um, not God) decided that the way life works is this: be born, grow up, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids, grow old, die - you know, we don't necessarily have to follow that exact strategy. just because it worked for 3, 18 or 700 guys, doesn't mean it's going to work that way for everyone. i still feel like the "biggest loser on the beach" because i'm divorced before i know how to properly balance a checkbook.
i mean, i swear, beyond aaron, i was pretty sure there was no life. but there is. following some years. i don't know where he is anymore, what he's doing. i wish i did. i wish we were friends. i wish i could be his friend. i wish i had my "family" back. i wish i could be a friend to anyone. right now, i'm living in my own "what about bob?" scenario. people drag this dead body around, and other people think i'm just "eerily quiet".
speaking of fam, i'm a total psycho for mine. they're awesome. i think i have the most wonderful, unique family in the world. i'm absolutely 100% sure about that. be it that i've lost a good part of my family (some to natural causes, some to divorce, some against my will...some that were never mine by blood in the first place), the ones i have left are like gold. hell, you guys know how i am about money - i'd throw infinite money off into the grand canyon for my family.
******
just shot a chest x-ray, and our ultrasound tech, alyssa, had to shoot while i held the lady's arms up. the lady was coming out of the bldg that she works in, and the security guard hit her. alyssa said, "was he drunk?," and the lady said, "no, his windows were fogged." so he's just driving around the parking lot, where people are, scoring hits left and right. THE SECURITY GUARD. geez, i feel totally safe, now. *duck & roll*
and i got the woman's arms up and yelled at alyssa, "ok, go ahead!," when i looked around and she's standing in the room. she said, "go ahead with what?" THEN, i decided to realize that she's never shot an xray in her life - she went to ultrasound school (she's not from here - here, we have to go through x-ray school, then pick a specialization like us). i was like, "oh crap, sorry - go back there - see the button on the side? push it and hold it down until i say stop!" so that was funny. well, funny if you're a tech. so everyone just disregard that.depressed people have a hard time saying funny things. or something.
cripes, this "friday" thursday has been like 7 wednesdays on a sunday today. i'll update on my doc visit - we usually fight when i go, because i'm like, "NO! you're not telling me i'm crazy because you're afraid i really am!" well, i make him laugh, so that's always cool. he thinks i'm funny...looking. i guess i need to make a list of all my concerns. that always elicits a tiny little sigh from the end of the doc, and i think it's funny. every time i would go see my old internist, she'd walk in and say, "ok, where's your list?" she was friggin awesome.
ok, i'm going now, because rambling is about to commence. i'm linking this to my new gmail acct, so i can have rambling ones of these that you guys don't have to read. i mean, one time, i wrote an entire post using only the word "fuck". i'm PURTY sure you don't want to read that one.
...love ya'lls...
don't keep reading...
...if it makes you depressed. this blog is mainly for me - to record how i change from day to day. it's sickeningly interesting to me. it peaks the interest of the sliver of me that's still alive and rattling around somewhere inside.
today is my friday. nothing to do today. surgery is full of eyes, ears & plastics, which isn't my area of expertise. slept a lot yesterday (again). went to wal-mart with my friend roy, and we wandered around, lost, like i normally do while i'm there. i just go in and wonder "where ARE the toothpicks?," then end up in gardening, trying to figure out if it would just be easier if i bought a rake and a knife and made my own toothpicks. i hate wal-mart. but we had fun...i think. did we?
hmmm...i got a lot going on in my head right now. not really at liberty to divulge - just a bunch of personal hmmms. wondering when it's all going to come back together and start making some semblance of a life. just don't have much energy for anything else. no answering the phone, not talking to my fam, not really even heather - i just see blank in front of me. i'm really, really tired. really looking forward to going to the doc tomorrow. really hope he'll find something. have so many things that i should be looking forward to. but i don't.
work's getting on my nerves. it's not an "i've been here for 2 years" thing. it's something else - whatever i'm going through. i can tell. this isn't the same that i felt in the past, where i crossed a bridge with a job, pouring gasoline in my wake. i can set fire to anything - physically AND metaphorically. my brain is complete self-sabotage at all times.
i just can't FEEL anything right now. i'm numb. to everything. i don't care. i can't care. and i try. but it just gets lost in the void of my soul. the "black hole heart" eats it. i walk around everywhere in this constant daze, like i'm drugged with depression. and it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'll never feel normal again. i hope for normality, though. my improbability drive is functioning at 110%. which is ok. i enjoy the randomness of life. i don't enjoy me, though. my body and mind are like my purgatory. well, i can't figure out if they're purgatory or hell.
i daydream EVERY SINGLE DAY day that one night, i'll go to sleep, and in the morning, i'll jump out of bed, leaving the old me behind. and it's becoming such a selfish thought, that i don't even care if i'll never be able to relate to another depressed person ever again. like i'll be able to say, "well, i was depressed once, but i don't remember ANY of what that was like! sorry!," and then bound off, happily.
ahhh, i gotta go potty. i'm tired of this shit. and i want taco bell. so those are some pretty steep demands for someone like me, so i better get started.
today is my friday. nothing to do today. surgery is full of eyes, ears & plastics, which isn't my area of expertise. slept a lot yesterday (again). went to wal-mart with my friend roy, and we wandered around, lost, like i normally do while i'm there. i just go in and wonder "where ARE the toothpicks?," then end up in gardening, trying to figure out if it would just be easier if i bought a rake and a knife and made my own toothpicks. i hate wal-mart. but we had fun...i think. did we?
hmmm...i got a lot going on in my head right now. not really at liberty to divulge - just a bunch of personal hmmms. wondering when it's all going to come back together and start making some semblance of a life. just don't have much energy for anything else. no answering the phone, not talking to my fam, not really even heather - i just see blank in front of me. i'm really, really tired. really looking forward to going to the doc tomorrow. really hope he'll find something. have so many things that i should be looking forward to. but i don't.
work's getting on my nerves. it's not an "i've been here for 2 years" thing. it's something else - whatever i'm going through. i can tell. this isn't the same that i felt in the past, where i crossed a bridge with a job, pouring gasoline in my wake. i can set fire to anything - physically AND metaphorically. my brain is complete self-sabotage at all times.
i just can't FEEL anything right now. i'm numb. to everything. i don't care. i can't care. and i try. but it just gets lost in the void of my soul. the "black hole heart" eats it. i walk around everywhere in this constant daze, like i'm drugged with depression. and it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'll never feel normal again. i hope for normality, though. my improbability drive is functioning at 110%. which is ok. i enjoy the randomness of life. i don't enjoy me, though. my body and mind are like my purgatory. well, i can't figure out if they're purgatory or hell.
i daydream EVERY SINGLE DAY day that one night, i'll go to sleep, and in the morning, i'll jump out of bed, leaving the old me behind. and it's becoming such a selfish thought, that i don't even care if i'll never be able to relate to another depressed person ever again. like i'll be able to say, "well, i was depressed once, but i don't remember ANY of what that was like! sorry!," and then bound off, happily.
ahhh, i gotta go potty. i'm tired of this shit. and i want taco bell. so those are some pretty steep demands for someone like me, so i better get started.
11.08.2006
swirling vortex of...depression.
these last few weeks have been blah. i still feel blah. i'm off friday, and i'm going to the doctor - i'm looking so forward to this, you don't even know. i have another call into my psych, and we're just playing phone tag right now. i'm hoping i'll get to see him either tomorrow or friday. my plastics appt has to be rescheduled, so that blows. and i have to work on bills today.
i went to spend the past weekend with my friend landon, and i had a great time. i went to my first hockey game on saturday and have come to realize that i love hockey. i hate that i've missed out on it all these years. landon said at one point, i was standing on the back of the chair in front of me, screaming. apparently that was good. i mean, he still gave me a ride home that night, so i guess it couldn't have freaked him out that bad. anyway, i'm totally hooked to watching live hockey - i imagine tv hockey wouldn't be that engrossing. and i'm a hxc fan for the huntsville havoc. they lost 4-2 to the columbus cottonmouths, but it was still an awesome game. AND i got a free shower while i was there, too, so that was nice. the guy behind me was yelling and screaming AND bathing me in his saliva, so i thought that was extremely thoughtful.
anyway, i got to meet a lot of really cool people this weekend, and i had a great time. i'm sorry it sounds so anti-climactic when i talk about it now, but...you know. i'm just not "me" right now. i haven't been me for some time. heather hasn't been feeling good either, and i just found out that a friend's son tried to commit suicide this weekend. so, it's not just me. apparently, it's in the weather. i'm actually hoping they'll put me on something different - i don't know, maybe SPEED or something. because i'm tired of feeling shiteous. all this selfish whining takes a lot out of you.
*sigh*
and phil called last night. that was...weird. completely unwarranted. he said he was bored. and i don't understand that. i've never been so bored that i've called an ex. i've been so DRUNK that i did it. i just don't understand people. i don't understand how they work. i can't be friends with ex's. i just can't. it's like, once you've passed a certain line, there's no back-tracking. so, that's why i'm not looking to make any more of my friends ex-anythings. aka. i'm not looking at "dating". like DAAAAATING - you know. i mean, going out as friends is fine. but the official exclusive dating? nah, i think i'm done with that. forever. it hurts my heart too much to break up with people. i can't hardly leave a surgery case without feeling a little remorseful - i always feel like i need to hug everyone in the room. but i don't. all the time. only some of the time.
anywheres, i gots lots of doc appts coming up, and i'm so glad. i have hope that someone's going to find that switch in me, and flip it to the "get over yourself" mode. i can't get through a day without having a headache or wanting to die or just taking a fucking nap. i mean, seriously, i can't. and i have that fear that no one believes what i'm saying, because i'm such a good faker. i'm so friggin good at this now, i can laugh, smile, converse, without breaking a sweat. but it's getting harder. i'm having to force myself to do too much. and when i say force, i mean, forcing a breath, forcing a smile, forcing myself to eat because i waited too long and got the shakes again. FORCE. something in me is the force. i'm guessing it's God, because i have nothing else. the dead walk. i'm dead. i keep dying, then coming back to life. people make fun of zombies, but i know they're real. i know what a zombie feels like. no wonder zombies want to eat brains - i feel like i want to eat come cereal. which isn't really a brain, but it's close enough in that you probably want some milk with it.
ok, i have to go upstairs and do that stupid safety fair. i don't have a lot of cases today, so i'm gonna be in and out of consciousness. jesus h, my head hurts. let me go see if this granola yogurt will make it better. if not, well, i'm screwed.
i went to spend the past weekend with my friend landon, and i had a great time. i went to my first hockey game on saturday and have come to realize that i love hockey. i hate that i've missed out on it all these years. landon said at one point, i was standing on the back of the chair in front of me, screaming. apparently that was good. i mean, he still gave me a ride home that night, so i guess it couldn't have freaked him out that bad. anyway, i'm totally hooked to watching live hockey - i imagine tv hockey wouldn't be that engrossing. and i'm a hxc fan for the huntsville havoc. they lost 4-2 to the columbus cottonmouths, but it was still an awesome game. AND i got a free shower while i was there, too, so that was nice. the guy behind me was yelling and screaming AND bathing me in his saliva, so i thought that was extremely thoughtful.
anyway, i got to meet a lot of really cool people this weekend, and i had a great time. i'm sorry it sounds so anti-climactic when i talk about it now, but...you know. i'm just not "me" right now. i haven't been me for some time. heather hasn't been feeling good either, and i just found out that a friend's son tried to commit suicide this weekend. so, it's not just me. apparently, it's in the weather. i'm actually hoping they'll put me on something different - i don't know, maybe SPEED or something. because i'm tired of feeling shiteous. all this selfish whining takes a lot out of you.
*sigh*
and phil called last night. that was...weird. completely unwarranted. he said he was bored. and i don't understand that. i've never been so bored that i've called an ex. i've been so DRUNK that i did it. i just don't understand people. i don't understand how they work. i can't be friends with ex's. i just can't. it's like, once you've passed a certain line, there's no back-tracking. so, that's why i'm not looking to make any more of my friends ex-anythings. aka. i'm not looking at "dating". like DAAAAATING - you know. i mean, going out as friends is fine. but the official exclusive dating? nah, i think i'm done with that. forever. it hurts my heart too much to break up with people. i can't hardly leave a surgery case without feeling a little remorseful - i always feel like i need to hug everyone in the room. but i don't. all the time. only some of the time.
anywheres, i gots lots of doc appts coming up, and i'm so glad. i have hope that someone's going to find that switch in me, and flip it to the "get over yourself" mode. i can't get through a day without having a headache or wanting to die or just taking a fucking nap. i mean, seriously, i can't. and i have that fear that no one believes what i'm saying, because i'm such a good faker. i'm so friggin good at this now, i can laugh, smile, converse, without breaking a sweat. but it's getting harder. i'm having to force myself to do too much. and when i say force, i mean, forcing a breath, forcing a smile, forcing myself to eat because i waited too long and got the shakes again. FORCE. something in me is the force. i'm guessing it's God, because i have nothing else. the dead walk. i'm dead. i keep dying, then coming back to life. people make fun of zombies, but i know they're real. i know what a zombie feels like. no wonder zombies want to eat brains - i feel like i want to eat come cereal. which isn't really a brain, but it's close enough in that you probably want some milk with it.
ok, i have to go upstairs and do that stupid safety fair. i don't have a lot of cases today, so i'm gonna be in and out of consciousness. jesus h, my head hurts. let me go see if this granola yogurt will make it better. if not, well, i'm screwed.
11.04.2006
just visiting.
i'm back in huntsville. somehow, i keep making it here. somehow, everyone i know is from here. hunstville puts out pretty good people, despite how i might have dogged it in the past.
speaking of the past, we visited again today. first time i've gone there in a while. i told the aaron story, basically how i got to where i am (aka. how i got to be so f*'d in the head). i cried, again. i didn't think i would. but i did. i've seen, heard & experienced a lot of things from the past in the past two days: starflyer, pizza inn, hazel green, madison, tooth & nail, velour, vbcc, best buy, road names i know and remember, places we went, memories we made. it was a little harder than i had originally expected, but i think i did well overall.
i did the "normal face" and pushed my way through. but honestly, i've had fun this weekend. i'm going to my first hockey game tonight. my fire is dying out some, but i'm feeling my way through the dimming light. i'll be damned if i'm getting through this shit alive. i might not come out unscathed, but life is full of bumps and scrapes - you're gonna get hurt if you live. not much fun if you don't, right?
i mean, i haven't come almost 7 years through fucking hell, to die at the feet of the devil. fuck him, man. i can do this. i have help. i need help. i have time. i need time. i have love. i need love. i have everything i need. i have forgiveness. i need it - i just have to give it to myself. and i don't know how, but that's part of my work. i still have a long road cut out for me, but at least there's a road. sometimes i just lose my way. i have guides. i need them.
just bear with me. i'm working my way through.
if i get lost, just turn me in the direction of my road and push me. even though i've become a LOT more protective of my personal space in the past few months, you might want to give me a hug...you know, just for the road.
speaking of the past, we visited again today. first time i've gone there in a while. i told the aaron story, basically how i got to where i am (aka. how i got to be so f*'d in the head). i cried, again. i didn't think i would. but i did. i've seen, heard & experienced a lot of things from the past in the past two days: starflyer, pizza inn, hazel green, madison, tooth & nail, velour, vbcc, best buy, road names i know and remember, places we went, memories we made. it was a little harder than i had originally expected, but i think i did well overall.
i did the "normal face" and pushed my way through. but honestly, i've had fun this weekend. i'm going to my first hockey game tonight. my fire is dying out some, but i'm feeling my way through the dimming light. i'll be damned if i'm getting through this shit alive. i might not come out unscathed, but life is full of bumps and scrapes - you're gonna get hurt if you live. not much fun if you don't, right?
i mean, i haven't come almost 7 years through fucking hell, to die at the feet of the devil. fuck him, man. i can do this. i have help. i need help. i have time. i need time. i have love. i need love. i have everything i need. i have forgiveness. i need it - i just have to give it to myself. and i don't know how, but that's part of my work. i still have a long road cut out for me, but at least there's a road. sometimes i just lose my way. i have guides. i need them.
just bear with me. i'm working my way through.
if i get lost, just turn me in the direction of my road and push me. even though i've become a LOT more protective of my personal space in the past few months, you might want to give me a hug...you know, just for the road.
11.02.2006
a ***STAR*** is born!
soooooo.....
i had my first audition today, and it went AWESOMELY! dude, i was TOTALLY in my element. it was very weird how relaxed i was when i went in and while i was reading the part of "lori" - the bitchy one! in fact, i'm afraid that i was so relaxed, i didn't quite come off as the bitch i wanted to be! hahaha! &=D
i'm thinking this might be my release, my undiscovered talent, my PROZAC! i've been in such an incredibly foul mood all freaking week long. until tonight - i shot out of bed at 6p (because i ALWAYS lay down and sleep when i get home, because that's what DEPRESSED PEOPLE DO, IS SLEEP A WHOLE DAMN LOT), and i remembered suddenly that i had scheduled this audition for tonight. i was like "omg, shit!" so i jumped in the shower, and while i was giving my acceptance speech, ricky came in and scared the ever-loving shit out of me. i'm pretty sure i pooped myself, but it's a good thing i was in the shower. i turned around and screamed, and it was the most horrendous sound i'd EVER heard come out of my mouth. it sounded like an animal in heat or something.
i talked to heather later on, and she said she was at home alone one day, and something scared her and she did the same thing. she was like, "thank god i was by myself!" i was like, "well, i wasn't - but thank god he didn't have the tape recorder!" it was like someone killing cattle. or one cattle. a cat. no, not a cat. a cow. but i bet cows sound more effiminate than i did. it was like, "MWWAAAAAHHH!!!," but in this deep, gutteral tone.
ahhh, so you want to know more about my audition, eh? well, ME TOO! i was so freaking excited, i couldn't even hardly fill out the form. they took my picture and videoed me, and then after i took my clothes off, they requested that i put them back on. jk. no, really, the dude took my pic, and i was like, that whole weird eyebrow thing i do, and he was like, "oh, we do this with everyone." riiiiiight.
so, i read for lori. the first reading - not so good, because i didn't read through it first, and i was confused at who she was talking to and who she was looking at, so i kinda stumbled through that - that piece should have been my golden goose, because they were like, "just insert your own expletives - don't worry - you're not going to offend us!" so i cursed as much as i COULD, after all the years of baby-proofing my language in front of other people. now, they're REQUESTING that i curse. i half expected my mom to come bursting through the door and wring my neck. so the first part, i felt a lil awkward.
second part, arik read for the guy in the scene, so it was easier for me to bounce off of him, and i did MUCH better that time. i was like, "i'm sorry, guys - i know i'm a total noob, but can i read through this first?" they're like, "sure! sure!"...........*crickets* *more crickets* i was reading as fast as i could, knowing they're like, "come the frig on, dinnertime!" and i always get nervous if people are waiting on me.
but i got done, and they're all "hey, that was great! you did a fabulous job, etc, etc!" but they didn't SAY etc. they just gave me props and said callbacks would be in a couple of weeks. so, i jumped up and shook everyone's hands...AGAIN, and picked my bag up and almost spilled the entire contents - you know, maxipads, tampons, midol, douches, used & unused - the usual. but i was more nervous leaving than i was coming in! it was crazy!
anyway, i'm in a stellar mood right now, even though i have to clean up cat poop. and it's WAY past my bedtime, so i'm going to be a sight in the morning! crap, and i forgot to eat again! dangit. well, once i'm a star, then i'll no longer have to feed myself, so that will help. and wiping after using the bathroom has REALLY gotten old, so it's a good thing i'll have someone to do that, too. *phew* i can't wait!
bwahahaha! who am i kidding? i'll be lucky if i'm not wiping human asses for the rest of MY life! i doubt i got the part, but it was really, really fun to do it. i told heather, me and her have to get together and doing some dramatic readings, so i can get used to this! so, the cat is out of the bag - i want to act. i've always wanted to act, but i'm too friggin lazy to do anything about it! if it's not set in stone or something that i have to do to make a living, screw it! but we'll see - now that i'm a seasoned veteran of the acting community (*snort*), maybe i'll be more inclined to show my face around town!
no photos, PLEASE! &=)
i had my first audition today, and it went AWESOMELY! dude, i was TOTALLY in my element. it was very weird how relaxed i was when i went in and while i was reading the part of "lori" - the bitchy one! in fact, i'm afraid that i was so relaxed, i didn't quite come off as the bitch i wanted to be! hahaha! &=D
i'm thinking this might be my release, my undiscovered talent, my PROZAC! i've been in such an incredibly foul mood all freaking week long. until tonight - i shot out of bed at 6p (because i ALWAYS lay down and sleep when i get home, because that's what DEPRESSED PEOPLE DO, IS SLEEP A WHOLE DAMN LOT), and i remembered suddenly that i had scheduled this audition for tonight. i was like "omg, shit!" so i jumped in the shower, and while i was giving my acceptance speech, ricky came in and scared the ever-loving shit out of me. i'm pretty sure i pooped myself, but it's a good thing i was in the shower. i turned around and screamed, and it was the most horrendous sound i'd EVER heard come out of my mouth. it sounded like an animal in heat or something.
i talked to heather later on, and she said she was at home alone one day, and something scared her and she did the same thing. she was like, "thank god i was by myself!" i was like, "well, i wasn't - but thank god he didn't have the tape recorder!" it was like someone killing cattle. or one cattle. a cat. no, not a cat. a cow. but i bet cows sound more effiminate than i did. it was like, "MWWAAAAAHHH!!!," but in this deep, gutteral tone.
ahhh, so you want to know more about my audition, eh? well, ME TOO! i was so freaking excited, i couldn't even hardly fill out the form. they took my picture and videoed me, and then after i took my clothes off, they requested that i put them back on. jk. no, really, the dude took my pic, and i was like, that whole weird eyebrow thing i do, and he was like, "oh, we do this with everyone." riiiiiight.
so, i read for lori. the first reading - not so good, because i didn't read through it first, and i was confused at who she was talking to and who she was looking at, so i kinda stumbled through that - that piece should have been my golden goose, because they were like, "just insert your own expletives - don't worry - you're not going to offend us!" so i cursed as much as i COULD, after all the years of baby-proofing my language in front of other people. now, they're REQUESTING that i curse. i half expected my mom to come bursting through the door and wring my neck. so the first part, i felt a lil awkward.
second part, arik read for the guy in the scene, so it was easier for me to bounce off of him, and i did MUCH better that time. i was like, "i'm sorry, guys - i know i'm a total noob, but can i read through this first?" they're like, "sure! sure!"...........*crickets* *more crickets* i was reading as fast as i could, knowing they're like, "come the frig on, dinnertime!" and i always get nervous if people are waiting on me.
but i got done, and they're all "hey, that was great! you did a fabulous job, etc, etc!" but they didn't SAY etc. they just gave me props and said callbacks would be in a couple of weeks. so, i jumped up and shook everyone's hands...AGAIN, and picked my bag up and almost spilled the entire contents - you know, maxipads, tampons, midol, douches, used & unused - the usual. but i was more nervous leaving than i was coming in! it was crazy!
anyway, i'm in a stellar mood right now, even though i have to clean up cat poop. and it's WAY past my bedtime, so i'm going to be a sight in the morning! crap, and i forgot to eat again! dangit. well, once i'm a star, then i'll no longer have to feed myself, so that will help. and wiping after using the bathroom has REALLY gotten old, so it's a good thing i'll have someone to do that, too. *phew* i can't wait!
bwahahaha! who am i kidding? i'll be lucky if i'm not wiping human asses for the rest of MY life! i doubt i got the part, but it was really, really fun to do it. i told heather, me and her have to get together and doing some dramatic readings, so i can get used to this! so, the cat is out of the bag - i want to act. i've always wanted to act, but i'm too friggin lazy to do anything about it! if it's not set in stone or something that i have to do to make a living, screw it! but we'll see - now that i'm a seasoned veteran of the acting community (*snort*), maybe i'll be more inclined to show my face around town!
no photos, PLEASE! &=)
10.31.2006
a letter
this won't make any sense if you don't read my blog in order. but if you're just all about chaos, then you're probably in the right place anyway.
anyway, i wanted to share this, because although she's never been in my shoes, nor experienced some of the things i have, she knows how i feel so well, and i'll never understand how.
this is from heather, and i typed out my blog before i read this.
****************************
Hey! Get past the cheesy music, but, hey, you may like the music. All I ask is that you open your heart for the next few seconds as you scroll down and read the message. I was thinking of how to say what I wanted to you, but well it was forwarded to me....so I sent it to you. I couldn't have said it better myself.
We are going to get you through this, girl. We're going to let God in...inside this time and you are going to be healed. It's that simple. And if you can remember from a long ago email that I sent you....I have the flashlight. I love you bunches.
Heather
:-P
Hello God,
I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.
You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.
I thank you God for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.
Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!
**************************************
i thought the part about the flashlight was a little uncanny, considering my prison in the dank basement. but that's why we're best friends. because God put her here, and she always knows what to say. i wish i could, someday, be the same for her. i wish i could, someday, be the same for everyone.
anyway, i wanted to share this, because although she's never been in my shoes, nor experienced some of the things i have, she knows how i feel so well, and i'll never understand how.
this is from heather, and i typed out my blog before i read this.
****************************
Hey! Get past the cheesy music, but, hey, you may like the music. All I ask is that you open your heart for the next few seconds as you scroll down and read the message. I was thinking of how to say what I wanted to you, but well it was forwarded to me....so I sent it to you. I couldn't have said it better myself.
We are going to get you through this, girl. We're going to let God in...inside this time and you are going to be healed. It's that simple. And if you can remember from a long ago email that I sent you....I have the flashlight. I love you bunches.
Heather
:-P
Hello God,
I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.
You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.
I thank you God for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.
Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!
**************************************
i thought the part about the flashlight was a little uncanny, considering my prison in the dank basement. but that's why we're best friends. because God put her here, and she always knows what to say. i wish i could, someday, be the same for her. i wish i could, someday, be the same for everyone.
the girl in the basement
mood: lost
i had to call the doc yesterday, so i'm waiting to hear back from him. i've actually TOLD some people, "hey, guess what? i don't feel good," and they're actually not mean to me. i still don't understand that, i think. i still expect for no one to believe me and laugh me off like every other hypochondriac out there. i mean, i know i am, but not many hypos would work so hard to make themselves well again, i would think. right? i don't know. i just try to self-diagnose me, so that the doctor either won't have to work so hard or make sure we cover all the bases, so that no one's leaving any possibility out.
incidentally, for those of you who are new to this story and haven't already figured it out thus far, they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety 7 years ago, right after my mom died. as you can tell, i experience periods of highs and the lowest of lows. this has been a low swing that has lasted particularly long, and i'm distressed as to why that is. i'm normally able to take my meds and block things out and not have regular emotions. but sometimes i have periods where i function normally - cry when i'm supposed to cry, be happy when there's a time for happiness, etc. it's not that often, though.
my mind is drifting right now, so i guess i can't type long. i don't want to bore anyone (much less myself) with the ramblings of the things rolling around in my head. i can't focus on anything except that i'm looking forward to going to the doctor on friday. it's just for blood tests, but maybe something will turn up. something. i'm PRETTY sure this isn't a contraindication of low iron, so i'd appreciate it if people would stop saying i feel like this, just because i don't eat meat. that really pisses me off. had you LIVED in my body for the past decade, i'd give you free reign to say whatever you like about me.
but you weren't here.
you weren't here when i was in high school. you weren't here when i lived with my mom. you weren't here when i started jack state, or met aaron, or BRIEFLY touched heaven while i lived the perfect life. you weren't here when i lost my mom, the only part of life that i could fully trust and that made any sense. you weren't here when i got married. you definitely weren't here when sex with my own husband became awkward, and i started feeling like i was going out of my mind. you weren't here when i screwed around or had to tell aaron about the things i'd done. you weren't here fighting the fucked-up thoughts i couldn't escape, when all i wanted to do was be happily married. you weren't here when i met my best friend. you weren't here when i got my first apartment or experienced my first (and last) rape. you weren't around when aaron started dating someone else and finally told me he wanted a divorce. you didn't sign the papers. you didn't know what it felt like to give up on all that. you didn't cry those tears. you didn't stand on the edge of a bridge, looking down. you didn't take too many pain meds. you didn't cut yourself with a broken mirror. you didn't always chicken out and call someone, because you were too afraid to leave this life, because someone might NOT be on the other side, waiting for you. you didn't fall asleep on a pillow soaked with your own tears. you didn't try to have relationships with other people, and because of your past, it totally fucks everything up. you don't have to look at ME in the mirror and realize how quickly all this has made you age, and how short it makes life seem. you don't have MY thoughts in your head that tell you over and over that you're NOT good enough, no matter what anyone tells you, and because of your past you'll NEVER amount to anything for anyone. you don't have to tell yourself that you HAVE to go to work today, because if you don't, you know you'll just lay there in the bed, day in and day out, and just rot, because even though you have SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU, it doesn't seem to make a difference, and that just makes you feel like a selfish, thankless jerk.
.................
.................
.................
next time you live MY life, let me know. because if anyone could do any better, with the shit that i've dealt with, please. feel free. because i've screwed it all up. and all i can do is pick up from where i am, every single day, and move on - again and again. i keep hoping that THIS will be the day that i don't fuck up - i mean, maybe i can be an adult today and not feel the need to retreat in some way. i'm not saying everyone doesn't have problems, and i'm not saying my problems are any worse than anyone else's. i'm just saying i don't think i was cut out for THIS life. this isn't the way i wanted things to be. i'm not very good at hurting anymore. i feel like my normally impenetrable walls are weakening. you'd think for as long as this has dragged out, i'd get a little better at it. but i haven't. i just suck at it. once again, i'm floating in that void-filled oblivion, no direction, no muse, no support from myself, no inspiration - only thoughts of the past and dreams of what the future could have been.
so many people care about me. i know this is a completely unnatural segues, but this is why thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. i could never give enough thanks to God, for taking care of me. i know He's not making this stuff happen to me. He's given me free will, and i do with it what i will. i can never give enough thanks to my friends and family. i rarely open up the floodgates around my family (heather gets the brunt of most of that), but whenever i do, they're always there with open arms, hugs, prayers, encouragement and even advice, if i need it. i really don't know how they've all put up with me for as long as this has dragged on. i don't know that i'll ever understand.
i just want to be good. i want things to be good. i want to do good things. i want to have a life that i don't resent. i want to wake up next to someone that i love and respect (as i once did) and hope they're not repulsed by me and my closet o' skeletons. i want to be able to do things i want to do, while there's still time to do them. i want to pull people into my gravitational field because of my goodness, instead of my insurmountable depression. i want to be glad i have friends, instead of in constant worry because i might do something to hurt someone...again.
i was originally going to call my blog "the girl in the basement," but something made me decide against it. i feel like i've been trapped in this stifling darkness, with tiny glimpses of light through the smallest windows ever.
i want out of the basement, and i can't find the key.
i had to call the doc yesterday, so i'm waiting to hear back from him. i've actually TOLD some people, "hey, guess what? i don't feel good," and they're actually not mean to me. i still don't understand that, i think. i still expect for no one to believe me and laugh me off like every other hypochondriac out there. i mean, i know i am, but not many hypos would work so hard to make themselves well again, i would think. right? i don't know. i just try to self-diagnose me, so that the doctor either won't have to work so hard or make sure we cover all the bases, so that no one's leaving any possibility out.
incidentally, for those of you who are new to this story and haven't already figured it out thus far, they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety 7 years ago, right after my mom died. as you can tell, i experience periods of highs and the lowest of lows. this has been a low swing that has lasted particularly long, and i'm distressed as to why that is. i'm normally able to take my meds and block things out and not have regular emotions. but sometimes i have periods where i function normally - cry when i'm supposed to cry, be happy when there's a time for happiness, etc. it's not that often, though.
my mind is drifting right now, so i guess i can't type long. i don't want to bore anyone (much less myself) with the ramblings of the things rolling around in my head. i can't focus on anything except that i'm looking forward to going to the doctor on friday. it's just for blood tests, but maybe something will turn up. something. i'm PRETTY sure this isn't a contraindication of low iron, so i'd appreciate it if people would stop saying i feel like this, just because i don't eat meat. that really pisses me off. had you LIVED in my body for the past decade, i'd give you free reign to say whatever you like about me.
but you weren't here.
you weren't here when i was in high school. you weren't here when i lived with my mom. you weren't here when i started jack state, or met aaron, or BRIEFLY touched heaven while i lived the perfect life. you weren't here when i lost my mom, the only part of life that i could fully trust and that made any sense. you weren't here when i got married. you definitely weren't here when sex with my own husband became awkward, and i started feeling like i was going out of my mind. you weren't here when i screwed around or had to tell aaron about the things i'd done. you weren't here fighting the fucked-up thoughts i couldn't escape, when all i wanted to do was be happily married. you weren't here when i met my best friend. you weren't here when i got my first apartment or experienced my first (and last) rape. you weren't around when aaron started dating someone else and finally told me he wanted a divorce. you didn't sign the papers. you didn't know what it felt like to give up on all that. you didn't cry those tears. you didn't stand on the edge of a bridge, looking down. you didn't take too many pain meds. you didn't cut yourself with a broken mirror. you didn't always chicken out and call someone, because you were too afraid to leave this life, because someone might NOT be on the other side, waiting for you. you didn't fall asleep on a pillow soaked with your own tears. you didn't try to have relationships with other people, and because of your past, it totally fucks everything up. you don't have to look at ME in the mirror and realize how quickly all this has made you age, and how short it makes life seem. you don't have MY thoughts in your head that tell you over and over that you're NOT good enough, no matter what anyone tells you, and because of your past you'll NEVER amount to anything for anyone. you don't have to tell yourself that you HAVE to go to work today, because if you don't, you know you'll just lay there in the bed, day in and day out, and just rot, because even though you have SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU, it doesn't seem to make a difference, and that just makes you feel like a selfish, thankless jerk.
.................
.................
.................
next time you live MY life, let me know. because if anyone could do any better, with the shit that i've dealt with, please. feel free. because i've screwed it all up. and all i can do is pick up from where i am, every single day, and move on - again and again. i keep hoping that THIS will be the day that i don't fuck up - i mean, maybe i can be an adult today and not feel the need to retreat in some way. i'm not saying everyone doesn't have problems, and i'm not saying my problems are any worse than anyone else's. i'm just saying i don't think i was cut out for THIS life. this isn't the way i wanted things to be. i'm not very good at hurting anymore. i feel like my normally impenetrable walls are weakening. you'd think for as long as this has dragged out, i'd get a little better at it. but i haven't. i just suck at it. once again, i'm floating in that void-filled oblivion, no direction, no muse, no support from myself, no inspiration - only thoughts of the past and dreams of what the future could have been.
so many people care about me. i know this is a completely unnatural segues, but this is why thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. i could never give enough thanks to God, for taking care of me. i know He's not making this stuff happen to me. He's given me free will, and i do with it what i will. i can never give enough thanks to my friends and family. i rarely open up the floodgates around my family (heather gets the brunt of most of that), but whenever i do, they're always there with open arms, hugs, prayers, encouragement and even advice, if i need it. i really don't know how they've all put up with me for as long as this has dragged on. i don't know that i'll ever understand.
i just want to be good. i want things to be good. i want to do good things. i want to have a life that i don't resent. i want to wake up next to someone that i love and respect (as i once did) and hope they're not repulsed by me and my closet o' skeletons. i want to be able to do things i want to do, while there's still time to do them. i want to pull people into my gravitational field because of my goodness, instead of my insurmountable depression. i want to be glad i have friends, instead of in constant worry because i might do something to hurt someone...again.
i was originally going to call my blog "the girl in the basement," but something made me decide against it. i feel like i've been trapped in this stifling darkness, with tiny glimpses of light through the smallest windows ever.
i want out of the basement, and i can't find the key.
10.30.2006
more of the same crabs
why the HELL do these people keep asking me questions? doesn't the look of "GO TO HELL" convey properly on my face? i mean, everyone ELSE says i make myself unapproachable. so why is it, when i attempt to MAKE myself really, really spikey and offputting, do people deem it necessary to ask me a FRIGGING QUESTION???
omg, what is UP with me today, anyway? oh. i think i forgot to go to the bathroom this morning. maybe that's it. or not. or maybe i just need to sit in the corner very, very quietly and read for the rest of the entire day forever. i'm reading "with a tangled skein", btw. it's really good. and i'm horribly foul. i feel like the whole FSSSSHHHHHHIIISSSSSSS!!!! or whatever that scowling, wired-up, mad cat sound is they make. that's probably how you spell it. probably.
omg, what is UP with me today, anyway? oh. i think i forgot to go to the bathroom this morning. maybe that's it. or not. or maybe i just need to sit in the corner very, very quietly and read for the rest of the entire day forever. i'm reading "with a tangled skein", btw. it's really good. and i'm horribly foul. i feel like the whole FSSSSHHHHHHIIISSSSSSS!!!! or whatever that scowling, wired-up, mad cat sound is they make. that's probably how you spell it. probably.
my f*'g job
mood: belligerent
see, this is the kind of shit that bugs me to death. my boss puts up on the board, "thank you for all those who volunteered for extra shifts." you know who volunteered for all those extra shifts?
me.
so, instead of thanking me, personally, because that would require effort or something GAY on his part, he puts it up on the board, to suggest that 500 other people have put themselves out in order to pull the weight of the department. well, you know what? you're not welcome, because i need the money. i wish i could say that i DON'T care about if the department has enough people, but i can't. i'm retarded like that. i worry about how things go when i take a day off or call in. i know the building isn't going to catch fire or everyone is going to lose their jobs. but it's just that "work ethic" that my family so graciously bestowed upon me. thanks, guys.
i had a pretty crappy weekend, and for some reason, i don't anticipate this week as being very great. something's in the wing, and i don't know what, but it's not good. it's probably just my defunctory "women's intuition" - but it ain't good, whatever it is, and i'm ready for it to stop taking up residence in my chest, dammit. my mood has been terribly foul as of late, and i apologize to any of you who might be subjecting yourself to reading this. this is not my normal demeanor. and once again, i had brief glimpses into the past me this weekend - maybe i'm envious that i can't evoke those feelings of "me" more frequently than i do. i just want to be free of this burden, whatever it is. i want to let go of everything. not necessarily responsibility per se, but of this weight that i've been carrying around for the past 7 years. but i can't identify what it is, so how can i let it go?
god, it feels so close to the surface, like something is about to explode out of my chest - something that i don't want in me. but it's like i'm too afraid to let it go. or keep it in. or something. i don't know - it's just there, and i wish it wasn't. how do you let go? i've tried to pray. i've tried meds. i've tried talking. i've tried banging my head on the wall. nothing seems to work. if i thought that it was doing any good, like sucking up all the ills of the world, i might be less inclined to complain. but since it's not doing anyone any good, me being how i am, i'd rather just kill it where it lies. i don't want to bury it, because as everyone knows, that always has a tendency to poison the water, and i don't really want that.
god, blah, blah, blah - i don't really know what i'm saying. nothing that's making a difference in the world, and that's all i really want to do. i don't care about seeing my name in lights or in the paper or anything like that. i want to make people happy, make people laugh, help people get along in their lives. i don't want to get into all that right now, because that's a whole new bowl of cereal, and that's what my tummy is thinking about right now.
anyway, here ya go. where's my paddywagon? i need to take a nap in the padded room. *sigh*
see, this is the kind of shit that bugs me to death. my boss puts up on the board, "thank you for all those who volunteered for extra shifts." you know who volunteered for all those extra shifts?
me.
so, instead of thanking me, personally, because that would require effort or something GAY on his part, he puts it up on the board, to suggest that 500 other people have put themselves out in order to pull the weight of the department. well, you know what? you're not welcome, because i need the money. i wish i could say that i DON'T care about if the department has enough people, but i can't. i'm retarded like that. i worry about how things go when i take a day off or call in. i know the building isn't going to catch fire or everyone is going to lose their jobs. but it's just that "work ethic" that my family so graciously bestowed upon me. thanks, guys.
i had a pretty crappy weekend, and for some reason, i don't anticipate this week as being very great. something's in the wing, and i don't know what, but it's not good. it's probably just my defunctory "women's intuition" - but it ain't good, whatever it is, and i'm ready for it to stop taking up residence in my chest, dammit. my mood has been terribly foul as of late, and i apologize to any of you who might be subjecting yourself to reading this. this is not my normal demeanor. and once again, i had brief glimpses into the past me this weekend - maybe i'm envious that i can't evoke those feelings of "me" more frequently than i do. i just want to be free of this burden, whatever it is. i want to let go of everything. not necessarily responsibility per se, but of this weight that i've been carrying around for the past 7 years. but i can't identify what it is, so how can i let it go?
god, it feels so close to the surface, like something is about to explode out of my chest - something that i don't want in me. but it's like i'm too afraid to let it go. or keep it in. or something. i don't know - it's just there, and i wish it wasn't. how do you let go? i've tried to pray. i've tried meds. i've tried talking. i've tried banging my head on the wall. nothing seems to work. if i thought that it was doing any good, like sucking up all the ills of the world, i might be less inclined to complain. but since it's not doing anyone any good, me being how i am, i'd rather just kill it where it lies. i don't want to bury it, because as everyone knows, that always has a tendency to poison the water, and i don't really want that.
god, blah, blah, blah - i don't really know what i'm saying. nothing that's making a difference in the world, and that's all i really want to do. i don't care about seeing my name in lights or in the paper or anything like that. i want to make people happy, make people laugh, help people get along in their lives. i don't want to get into all that right now, because that's a whole new bowl of cereal, and that's what my tummy is thinking about right now.
anyway, here ya go. where's my paddywagon? i need to take a nap in the padded room. *sigh*
10.28.2006
stinky kitty farts
mood: drained
this bitchy blog is a bitch. my shit never shows up on here. anyway, i'm not feeling too great (it's head stuff - don't ask), so not only will i NOT be attending a halloween party tonight (with a bunch of pre-teens), but i'm pretty sure i won't be dressing up for halloween this year. i don't know - it's just not in me. i'm kinda lost in my depression and probably will be for a while.
BUT, this is my living will for the next few up and coming months. SINCE halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and i won't be dressing up this year, i have FREE REIGN until the end of the year of 2006, and i may extend it into the first part of 2007, to dress as weird as i want and not only purchase a new pair of hairfalls, but wear them wherever i damn well please.
so, there. IF YOU SEE ME anywhere outside of this house, and i'm running around like a deranged lunatic, wearing a homemade full bodysuit of aluminum foil, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, so shut the hell up. it's been a helluva year for me, and it ain't gettin any better any quicker. well, mildly. i'll say that much. otherwise, NO. the word for the rest of this year is NO. and the rest of it is BITE ME.
i'm going to wander around the house aimlessly, until i run into someone i know. then, who knows where things will go from there? i'm so hungover from everything, i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. this makes no sense. but i don't care. all i know is i'm eating cake for dinner tonight.
NO. BITE ME.
this bitchy blog is a bitch. my shit never shows up on here. anyway, i'm not feeling too great (it's head stuff - don't ask), so not only will i NOT be attending a halloween party tonight (with a bunch of pre-teens), but i'm pretty sure i won't be dressing up for halloween this year. i don't know - it's just not in me. i'm kinda lost in my depression and probably will be for a while.
BUT, this is my living will for the next few up and coming months. SINCE halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and i won't be dressing up this year, i have FREE REIGN until the end of the year of 2006, and i may extend it into the first part of 2007, to dress as weird as i want and not only purchase a new pair of hairfalls, but wear them wherever i damn well please.
so, there. IF YOU SEE ME anywhere outside of this house, and i'm running around like a deranged lunatic, wearing a homemade full bodysuit of aluminum foil, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, so shut the hell up. it's been a helluva year for me, and it ain't gettin any better any quicker. well, mildly. i'll say that much. otherwise, NO. the word for the rest of this year is NO. and the rest of it is BITE ME.
i'm going to wander around the house aimlessly, until i run into someone i know. then, who knows where things will go from there? i'm so hungover from everything, i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. this makes no sense. but i don't care. all i know is i'm eating cake for dinner tonight.
NO. BITE ME.
10.26.2006
just leave the crazy ones alone
ok, so here's how the conversation went:
(i'll be playing the part of "m" in this)
m = me
h = him
h - "hey, so how come you never call me anymore?"
m - "..........i don't know."
h - "you don't want to be my friend?"
m - "........i guess not."
h - "why not?"
m - "...because it's incredibly awkward for me?"
h - "it doesn't have to be - it can be fun!"
m - "...not for me."
h - "well, you need a good friend."
m - "i already have one."
h - "well, you need another one."
m - "no, i don't."
h - "wow, that's cold."
m - "well, i'm a cold-hearted bitch."
h - "well, don't ever say i never tried to be your friend."
m - "i never did."
then, i don't remember what else he said, because i hung up. i'm getting pretty good at hanging up on people, when i'm finished talking. the conversation lasted less than 3 min.
you know, i tried to be this person's friend, and i couldn't. i just couldn't. I TRIED. but i still feel too much. and i just can't. why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? don't people know that i'm so fucked up that there's no hope for anything??? what have i done to this world that it feels the need to kick me constantly? i've been having such a horrible time lately, and i've tried desperately to stay the course. i haven't wallowed in my sadness. i haven't done things to refresh these wounds that have healed so unevenly. all i've done is try to build myself up and encourage myself, again and again, with no one else's help. and i don't WANT help! i'm doing so well! well, not really, but a little bit! and a little is better than none at all.
so, he calls. why? what the hell do you want from me? i can't GIVE you what you're asking! i tried to! and i failed miserably! just because YOU feel ok, doesn't mean i am. i mean, i'm all for people taking chances and speaking up when they feel they may never have another opportunity. so i guess i'm unfairly accusing him. i'm just still hurting. hell, i'm still hurting from my LAST failed relationship.
i'm pretty sure that i'll never be in another "normal" relationship again. that's ok, though. i've kind of accepted it. my mom never remarried. why should i? i haven't found anyone who can...put up with me. and that's ok. i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...kinda like now...wrong person...hmmm...
i've just been so tired lately. i have a doc appt in two weeks, and i'm hoping he'll find something wrong for once. i got in trouble for falling asleep at work, a few days ago, and i didn't mean to. i'm just SO TIRED, and i haven't done anything to deviate from my normal schedule. i haven't even been working at my second job a lot. and i'm eating. and i'm fine. except i just feel like i have molasses for blood and all my body parts weigh about 1000 lbs each.
god, i feel like my heart is being ripped open again. i hate my heart. i hate my emotions. there's not one redeeming quality i can find in myself. all i'm doing is sucking up all the good air, taking up space. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE. and i don't really care right now. wah wah wah, bitch, moan, gripe. god, i get sick of hearing myself, being in my head, having my thoughts.
i don't KNOW why anyone would want to be friends with me - to feel better about themselves? you know, i've never been friends with any ex's. i've never been able to. it's always...awkward. like this. i want to. i just...can't. i guess i wasn't finished caring. it started kind of against my will. i just wanted a dummy - someone to pawn my leftover emotions off of from aaron. and i fought it, day after day. then it ended abruptly. that's when i had started to realize there was something there. so i forced myself to stop, after it had burrowed its way in and become a permanent fixture in my life.
so, ONCE AGAIN, i was forced to give up on something i wasn't finished with. for the second time. this is the SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. first with aaron, now with phil. what the hell? no, i mean, REALLY, what the hell? what is it? what am i supposed to be doing? why does this stuff always have to be ongoing? why does it have to linger? why can't when I move on, OTHER PEOPLE move on and vice versa? i can't even get my shit together. i mean, not that him wanting to be friends with me is me doing him some great honor, but it's just that i can't perform ONE SIMPLE TASK of being a friend. i cannot physically BRING myself to do it. i can't block the emotions from coming. i'm having a hard enough time blocking the tears that are welling up behind my eyes. i have to keep telling myself that i can't do this at work. i can't allow myself to feel like this. not here, not anywhere, not now, not ever. because what good will it do? nothing!
i mean, at least i was honest! i could tell him, "sure, i'll be your friend, but i'll never call, i'll never be around." or i could come around and just constantly act awkward while having to suppress my feelings - yeah, THAT would work. like i'm not a human mirror of emotions: *while crying* - "i'm NOT crying! my eyeballs are sweating!"
people who want to hurt me - just leave me alone
people who love me - you leave me alone, too
people who i love - i'll leave you alone
people i don't know - just stay away
now, i'm going to buck up, put on a big, false face, walk down to the caf like there's nothing wrong, and get some lunch and try to force it into my sick, distraught gullet, so that no one notices that anything's wrong, even though i don't FEEL LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS. then after lunch, when i go to the bathroom, i might decide to tear the bandage off the wound and cry out for a brief moment, put the bandage back on (where no one can see it), and get back to work. can't do it at home, because ricky's there, and i hate when people ask questions. i don't want anyone to ask about this. because i don't have the answer - ANY answer.
just leave me alone. i'm doing fine without you.
(i'll be playing the part of "m" in this)
m = me
h = him
h - "hey, so how come you never call me anymore?"
m - "..........i don't know."
h - "you don't want to be my friend?"
m - "........i guess not."
h - "why not?"
m - "...because it's incredibly awkward for me?"
h - "it doesn't have to be - it can be fun!"
m - "...not for me."
h - "well, you need a good friend."
m - "i already have one."
h - "well, you need another one."
m - "no, i don't."
h - "wow, that's cold."
m - "well, i'm a cold-hearted bitch."
h - "well, don't ever say i never tried to be your friend."
m - "i never did."
then, i don't remember what else he said, because i hung up. i'm getting pretty good at hanging up on people, when i'm finished talking. the conversation lasted less than 3 min.
you know, i tried to be this person's friend, and i couldn't. i just couldn't. I TRIED. but i still feel too much. and i just can't. why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? don't people know that i'm so fucked up that there's no hope for anything??? what have i done to this world that it feels the need to kick me constantly? i've been having such a horrible time lately, and i've tried desperately to stay the course. i haven't wallowed in my sadness. i haven't done things to refresh these wounds that have healed so unevenly. all i've done is try to build myself up and encourage myself, again and again, with no one else's help. and i don't WANT help! i'm doing so well! well, not really, but a little bit! and a little is better than none at all.
so, he calls. why? what the hell do you want from me? i can't GIVE you what you're asking! i tried to! and i failed miserably! just because YOU feel ok, doesn't mean i am. i mean, i'm all for people taking chances and speaking up when they feel they may never have another opportunity. so i guess i'm unfairly accusing him. i'm just still hurting. hell, i'm still hurting from my LAST failed relationship.
i'm pretty sure that i'll never be in another "normal" relationship again. that's ok, though. i've kind of accepted it. my mom never remarried. why should i? i haven't found anyone who can...put up with me. and that's ok. i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...kinda like now...wrong person...hmmm...
i've just been so tired lately. i have a doc appt in two weeks, and i'm hoping he'll find something wrong for once. i got in trouble for falling asleep at work, a few days ago, and i didn't mean to. i'm just SO TIRED, and i haven't done anything to deviate from my normal schedule. i haven't even been working at my second job a lot. and i'm eating. and i'm fine. except i just feel like i have molasses for blood and all my body parts weigh about 1000 lbs each.
god, i feel like my heart is being ripped open again. i hate my heart. i hate my emotions. there's not one redeeming quality i can find in myself. all i'm doing is sucking up all the good air, taking up space. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE. and i don't really care right now. wah wah wah, bitch, moan, gripe. god, i get sick of hearing myself, being in my head, having my thoughts.
i don't KNOW why anyone would want to be friends with me - to feel better about themselves? you know, i've never been friends with any ex's. i've never been able to. it's always...awkward. like this. i want to. i just...can't. i guess i wasn't finished caring. it started kind of against my will. i just wanted a dummy - someone to pawn my leftover emotions off of from aaron. and i fought it, day after day. then it ended abruptly. that's when i had started to realize there was something there. so i forced myself to stop, after it had burrowed its way in and become a permanent fixture in my life.
so, ONCE AGAIN, i was forced to give up on something i wasn't finished with. for the second time. this is the SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. first with aaron, now with phil. what the hell? no, i mean, REALLY, what the hell? what is it? what am i supposed to be doing? why does this stuff always have to be ongoing? why does it have to linger? why can't when I move on, OTHER PEOPLE move on and vice versa? i can't even get my shit together. i mean, not that him wanting to be friends with me is me doing him some great honor, but it's just that i can't perform ONE SIMPLE TASK of being a friend. i cannot physically BRING myself to do it. i can't block the emotions from coming. i'm having a hard enough time blocking the tears that are welling up behind my eyes. i have to keep telling myself that i can't do this at work. i can't allow myself to feel like this. not here, not anywhere, not now, not ever. because what good will it do? nothing!
i mean, at least i was honest! i could tell him, "sure, i'll be your friend, but i'll never call, i'll never be around." or i could come around and just constantly act awkward while having to suppress my feelings - yeah, THAT would work. like i'm not a human mirror of emotions: *while crying* - "i'm NOT crying! my eyeballs are sweating!"
people who want to hurt me - just leave me alone
people who love me - you leave me alone, too
people who i love - i'll leave you alone
people i don't know - just stay away
now, i'm going to buck up, put on a big, false face, walk down to the caf like there's nothing wrong, and get some lunch and try to force it into my sick, distraught gullet, so that no one notices that anything's wrong, even though i don't FEEL LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS. then after lunch, when i go to the bathroom, i might decide to tear the bandage off the wound and cry out for a brief moment, put the bandage back on (where no one can see it), and get back to work. can't do it at home, because ricky's there, and i hate when people ask questions. i don't want anyone to ask about this. because i don't have the answer - ANY answer.
just leave me alone. i'm doing fine without you.
10.25.2006
audition piece
i started thinking, and i realized that if i intend to go through with this acting thingie, i'll have to have an audition piece prepared. so i found the screenplay to "sense & sensibility" by jane austin, and i'm using a part from it.
back when i was in junior college, i had to do a dramatic reading in speech class, and i loved the part in that movie where elinor & marianne are arguing about elinor's missive behavior towards someone she so obviously cares for. marianne taunts and presses her on the issue, and elinor finally explodes and tells her everything that's been weighing on her mind. emma thompson plays elinor, and her passion in the part is just so powerful and emotional, it's one of the pieces that inspires me. so, when i was in school, i thought i'd do that part, and i had it all typed out and nice-looking but had made it to class without it! so, i got up there and explained to the professor what had happened, but i went on and did it, without missing a beat. after i got done, i looked up, and the professor's mouth was hanging open, and one of the kids up front spoke up and said, "you just did that from memory?"
my teacher later told me that i needed to get the hell out of art and go directly into acting. needless to say, i never did, and i've always regretted it.
i have to say, that's the ONE BRIEF MOMENT in my life that i was proud of myself. no, really. i can't believe i was able to get my fat head through the doorframe.
back when i was in junior college, i had to do a dramatic reading in speech class, and i loved the part in that movie where elinor & marianne are arguing about elinor's missive behavior towards someone she so obviously cares for. marianne taunts and presses her on the issue, and elinor finally explodes and tells her everything that's been weighing on her mind. emma thompson plays elinor, and her passion in the part is just so powerful and emotional, it's one of the pieces that inspires me. so, when i was in school, i thought i'd do that part, and i had it all typed out and nice-looking but had made it to class without it! so, i got up there and explained to the professor what had happened, but i went on and did it, without missing a beat. after i got done, i looked up, and the professor's mouth was hanging open, and one of the kids up front spoke up and said, "you just did that from memory?"
my teacher later told me that i needed to get the hell out of art and go directly into acting. needless to say, i never did, and i've always regretted it.
i have to say, that's the ONE BRIEF MOMENT in my life that i was proud of myself. no, really. i can't believe i was able to get my fat head through the doorframe.
this guy...
somewhere, somehow, this guy has an uplink to my brain/heart (not that difference much matters), and he's drawing the things that i don't know how...
http://xkcd.com/c104.html
this is straight out of my head...i mean, heart.
thanks, guy. makes me feel not quite so...misunderstood and alone.
http://xkcd.com/c104.html
this is straight out of my head...i mean, heart.
thanks, guy. makes me feel not quite so...misunderstood and alone.
good comics...for me, not you
http://xkcd.com/c75.html
woah, i am SO glad that i'm not the only person to whom this happens. this is the reason that i'll never find a good, stable relationship....among many, many other things.
i'm playing the part of the guy in this one.
http://xkcd.com/c46.html
also, this one is my favorite...ever.
and i don't know why they're not showing up, but i'll research this later...when i FEEL like it.
woah, i am SO glad that i'm not the only person to whom this happens. this is the reason that i'll never find a good, stable relationship....among many, many other things.
i'm playing the part of the guy in this one.
http://xkcd.com/c46.html
also, this one is my favorite...ever.
and i don't know why they're not showing up, but i'll research this later...when i FEEL like it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
