i'm on my last day of working this week. which means i get to have one whole day off tomorrow! omg, i don't know what i'm going to DO with all that free time! WOO! *rolls eyes*
i just signed up for some scholarship information just now. it says there are like 108 scholarships that i'm eligible for. i'd really like to go back to school, but i really think that someone should just GIVE me the money to do it. i'm still hung up on getting my master's in biology and doing field work. i still think that would be the ultimate high. i went ahead and signed up for some other things, like computers, medicine...ahh, i can't remember what else i put. but at this point in my life, i think i could literally do just about anything i wanted. i'd LIKE to work smarter, not harder, but you know, i kinda think you have to start out smart in order to accomplish something like that. whereas for me, it would end up being something like marrying a hot surgeon! hahaha!! good one! i don't even shave my legs when i go on a date! (oh yeah, you know bohemian is totally hot!) &=P
it's been a little busy here, but they said it was bad yesterday - people coming in with tummy aches from eating too much and car accidents from shopping. i can't believe no one came in snatched bald or something. i did that "day after thanksgiving" shopping one time, and omg, i was appalled at not only the number of people, but the way they acted. i don't like how people act in shopping malls on REGULAR days!
heather said she went to a store last year, and when she got there, it was about an hour before, and there were like 3 other cars in the parking lot, so she went to get coffee. when she got back, there were 50 trillion cars in the lot and there was a line all the way down the side of the building. she was like, "wtf?," but she went ahead and got in line anyway. she said she was really far in the back, but she wasn't quite at the end, and she said by the time she made it into the store, she already heard glass breaking in the back of the store. she was like, "i had no idea after t'giving shopping was so...treacherous!" i told her, if you don't have a bat or some sort of weapon, you'd better be able to fight like a bear to keep your hands on what you've got. i've heard of people reaching over other people and just taking things out of their hands. then, one year, mom made me go to kmart with her and grammy, and after being there for about 30 min (at 5 in the morning, which is not my forte), i went home and went back to bed. mom came home and said that two ladies got in a FIST FIGHT at the jewelry counter over a tennis bracelet, and they had to call the cops. you know, i want an ipod, but i can't imagine blacking someone's eye for it.
anyway, that's why i hate christmas. the fact that it's become so commercialized, AND the fact that i never have any money to buy presents anymore. oh well, everyone knows i'm poor, and they still love me! they get my lovin' all year round - i mean, what else can you dare ask for??? &=D
ok, lemme go do this stat portable. i'm totally bored, so i need to find something to do. they're calling me "trouble-maker #2" now. we were talking about run-ins with surgeons, and now they think i'm a total badass, because i don't put up with any BS in surgery. you put me in charge of something, i'm gonna take care of it. and that's all i have to say about that.
kk, here me go! i hope this patient doesn't cough in my face. i've already been coughed on twice today. blech. &=P
*cough cough*
crap.
11.25.2006
11.24.2006
no matter where your faith lies...
i know all people who read this are not christian. some are atheist. some are agnostic. some are catholic. some don't believe anything, and some don't know what to believe. i don't discuss my religion a lot, only briefly, when i'm inspired. i do believe, though, that God does a lot for me. without Him, His presence, influence, His hands staying mine, at times, and His introduction of certain people into my life are the things that keep me sane.
anyway, i was getting on the elevator the other day, and when i stepped on, i found this tiny, laminated card laying face up on the floor. on the reverse side, someone had written, "God loves you!" at first, i was like, "uh oh, someone lost this!" then, after reading it, i think it might have just been passed on. and i'd like to think it was meant to come to me. this is the prayer that was on it:
*************
St. Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedon to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
*************
i don't know where the prayer came from, because i haven't researched it at all. and, i know a lot of people think that having faith and believing in a Higher being or presence is a way to blame someone else for all our problems or cope with the fact that there might not be anything in the hereafter. well, you know what? God works for me, and i'm ok with that. i've never forced my beliefs on anyone, nor will i ever. i hate all that cliche stuff that people make into bumper stickers and church signs - "i'm not perfect, just forgiven". unfortunately, some of it is true.
i'm not perfect. i'll never be perfect. i curse, i sin, i speed, i break the law, i get angry, i fuss, i bitch, i whine, i'm lazy, i eat too much, i don't go to church on a regular basis. but i'm me. and i know God knows i'm me. He made me. He knew what i would be. He knows my destiny. He knows where i'm going. and He surely knows where i've been.
so, to whomever left that card on the elevator, i know you'll never read this, but thank you, regardless. i hope one day, i'll get to a point in my life where i can leave it for someone else to find, at a time when they need it.
and to those of you whose patience i test, thank you for never failing me. thank you for being my friend. thank you for listening. thank you for caring. thank you for hugs. and thank you for keeping your distance, when necessary.
to my peeps:
i pour out this sweet tea in your honor. &=)
anyway, i was getting on the elevator the other day, and when i stepped on, i found this tiny, laminated card laying face up on the floor. on the reverse side, someone had written, "God loves you!" at first, i was like, "uh oh, someone lost this!" then, after reading it, i think it might have just been passed on. and i'd like to think it was meant to come to me. this is the prayer that was on it:
*************
St. Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedon to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
*************
i don't know where the prayer came from, because i haven't researched it at all. and, i know a lot of people think that having faith and believing in a Higher being or presence is a way to blame someone else for all our problems or cope with the fact that there might not be anything in the hereafter. well, you know what? God works for me, and i'm ok with that. i've never forced my beliefs on anyone, nor will i ever. i hate all that cliche stuff that people make into bumper stickers and church signs - "i'm not perfect, just forgiven". unfortunately, some of it is true.
i'm not perfect. i'll never be perfect. i curse, i sin, i speed, i break the law, i get angry, i fuss, i bitch, i whine, i'm lazy, i eat too much, i don't go to church on a regular basis. but i'm me. and i know God knows i'm me. He made me. He knew what i would be. He knows my destiny. He knows where i'm going. and He surely knows where i've been.
so, to whomever left that card on the elevator, i know you'll never read this, but thank you, regardless. i hope one day, i'll get to a point in my life where i can leave it for someone else to find, at a time when they need it.
and to those of you whose patience i test, thank you for never failing me. thank you for being my friend. thank you for listening. thank you for caring. thank you for hugs. and thank you for keeping your distance, when necessary.
to my peeps:
i pour out this sweet tea in your honor. &=)
lost post
ok, i just lost this great post i worked really hard on. and i could have SWORN i pushed the "save as draft" button, at least once. so, now, i'm mad. and i have to not post for a minute. because i'm incredibly angry. i'm not sure who to blame right now, so we'll just leave it open.
*pitches fit*
*pitches fit*
11.23.2006
real TG mayhem
w00t!
i thought i would use some l33tsp33k to express my pleasure in the last 1.5 hour. so, ER called, and i had a kid who jammed his finger playing basketball, and a lady who fell going up her stairs and managed to twist it underneath her body. the kid is fine, but i actually think the lady broke the metaphysis of her last toe = she brokeded the outside of her foot.
so, i got both my exams done and was walking back to "the hole," which is place where the front desk is, and when we work alone, we always sit up here to catch phone calls, put in orders & watch tv. as i came out of one of the rooms, the security guard walked out from around one of the corners, and i SWEAR i almost karate-chopped him to death. i jumped and said, "WAH! HA! HOLY CRAP!" and i think i scared him by my fierce kara-tay moves more than he ever thought about scaring me.
i'm totally fascinated by this cold case crap. that's probably what's got me so edgy. this is the kind of crap that makes me want to have cable. KA-bull. so, i'm sitting here, flipping between reading "questionable content" (my new fav serial webcomic) and watching "cold case". i couldn't be happier. ok, yes, i could, but beggars shan't be choosers.
rah, rah. i miss my girls. i almost brought jammy up and stuck her in here with me, but that would have been the one day joint commission stops by just for the hell of it.not only would chris kill me, but he would then fire my corpse. and that would suck.
i decided today, for some strange reason, that murderers, rapists, serial killers, child molesters, etc, all those people we keep spending all this money to keep in jail, put on parole, put back out on the streets to recommit crimes, unnecessarily rehabilitate, etc - i mean, SCREW animal testing. how many times have you ever heard a reformed serial killer went on to do great things? "john doe, a former rapist, got the strictest rape laws passed in the state." right. and i'm in a rock band. i just figure if you're retarded enough to DO something as trivial as that to a human life, you don't DESERVE to make decisions about your own life anymore. i'm not saying death penalty, dude. i'm just saying, animals aren't DOing anything wrong. it's people we're making meds for, it's people on whom we should be testing. that's why i always sign myself up for those vaccine studies at uab.
ahhhhh, if i were prez....
i thought i would use some l33tsp33k to express my pleasure in the last 1.5 hour. so, ER called, and i had a kid who jammed his finger playing basketball, and a lady who fell going up her stairs and managed to twist it underneath her body. the kid is fine, but i actually think the lady broke the metaphysis of her last toe = she brokeded the outside of her foot.
so, i got both my exams done and was walking back to "the hole," which is place where the front desk is, and when we work alone, we always sit up here to catch phone calls, put in orders & watch tv. as i came out of one of the rooms, the security guard walked out from around one of the corners, and i SWEAR i almost karate-chopped him to death. i jumped and said, "WAH! HA! HOLY CRAP!" and i think i scared him by my fierce kara-tay moves more than he ever thought about scaring me.
i'm totally fascinated by this cold case crap. that's probably what's got me so edgy. this is the kind of crap that makes me want to have cable. KA-bull. so, i'm sitting here, flipping between reading "questionable content" (my new fav serial webcomic) and watching "cold case". i couldn't be happier. ok, yes, i could, but beggars shan't be choosers.
rah, rah. i miss my girls. i almost brought jammy up and stuck her in here with me, but that would have been the one day joint commission stops by just for the hell of it.not only would chris kill me, but he would then fire my corpse. and that would suck.
i decided today, for some strange reason, that murderers, rapists, serial killers, child molesters, etc, all those people we keep spending all this money to keep in jail, put on parole, put back out on the streets to recommit crimes, unnecessarily rehabilitate, etc - i mean, SCREW animal testing. how many times have you ever heard a reformed serial killer went on to do great things? "john doe, a former rapist, got the strictest rape laws passed in the state." right. and i'm in a rock band. i just figure if you're retarded enough to DO something as trivial as that to a human life, you don't DESERVE to make decisions about your own life anymore. i'm not saying death penalty, dude. i'm just saying, animals aren't DOing anything wrong. it's people we're making meds for, it's people on whom we should be testing. that's why i always sign myself up for those vaccine studies at uab.
ahhhhh, if i were prez....
thanksgiving excitement
syke. there's nothing going on.
ok, so i'm here, at work. i'm watching cold case on a&e, and eating my t'giving dinner, which consists of dried peaches, walnuts (complete with new nutcracker), orange juice, sunflower seeds, popcorn, a warm delights hot fudge cake, and some heath bar ice cream, along with separate chocolate & caramel toppings.
i've only managed to crack into the walnuts & dried peaches, then spin around in the chair, before making myself sick.
i bet you'd never guess that there's nothing to do.
i can't even surf the net satisfyingly. i'm just flat-out bored. stella had a couple of patients, but i'm hoping she did everyone. because i don't really see my butt getting out of this chair. again. i had to take a dump earlier, but that's it. i'm not getting up again. until it's time for ice cream. well, it's ALWAYS time for ice cream.
*sigh* it's only 430p, and i bet my family's getting together, having fun, hugging, taking pictures, grazing (we graze when we eat), swapping the same stories we always end up telling every time we get together, and laughing. *sigh* i miss my family.
ok, i'm totally bored as all crap, so i'll probably just keep adding on to this post - there's not going to be anything exciting happening, unless a dragon lands on top of the hospital and sets fire to the building next door. THAT would be exciting. i might even get out of the chair to see that.
well, no - i'd probably just roll the chair out of the ER entrance to see if i could see it from there. but if i have to crane my neck too much, i guess i'd change my mind and scoot back inside.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.....
ok, so i'm here, at work. i'm watching cold case on a&e, and eating my t'giving dinner, which consists of dried peaches, walnuts (complete with new nutcracker), orange juice, sunflower seeds, popcorn, a warm delights hot fudge cake, and some heath bar ice cream, along with separate chocolate & caramel toppings.
i've only managed to crack into the walnuts & dried peaches, then spin around in the chair, before making myself sick.
i bet you'd never guess that there's nothing to do.
i can't even surf the net satisfyingly. i'm just flat-out bored. stella had a couple of patients, but i'm hoping she did everyone. because i don't really see my butt getting out of this chair. again. i had to take a dump earlier, but that's it. i'm not getting up again. until it's time for ice cream. well, it's ALWAYS time for ice cream.
*sigh* it's only 430p, and i bet my family's getting together, having fun, hugging, taking pictures, grazing (we graze when we eat), swapping the same stories we always end up telling every time we get together, and laughing. *sigh* i miss my family.
ok, i'm totally bored as all crap, so i'll probably just keep adding on to this post - there's not going to be anything exciting happening, unless a dragon lands on top of the hospital and sets fire to the building next door. THAT would be exciting. i might even get out of the chair to see that.
well, no - i'd probably just roll the chair out of the ER entrance to see if i could see it from there. but if i have to crane my neck too much, i guess i'd change my mind and scoot back inside.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.....
rah
Current mood: relieved
it's t'giving.
i have to go to the store. i don't wanna.
i have to work. i don't wanna.
i think i'm gonna go back to bed. i wanna.
i'll post more later. cause i wanna.
have a happy t'giving.
and if you break your leg, for god's sake, come see me. i'm gonna be boooooooored.
oh, and i exhibit the best patient care in the city...and take good xrays.
&=/ *sigh*
11.22.2006
seeds do too have fiber!
so, i coerced my boss into letting me off early today. that usually consists of repeating the carefully practiced phrase, "canigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigo?" over and over again, until he eventually breaks down in tears. this leaves him with no choice, but to let me go. fortunately enough, this phrase can sometimes work in surgery, when i've been in cases for longer than 4 hours. thankfully, since i did almost ALL the patients we had today AND didn't take a lunch, my boss was kind enough to have mercy on my soul.
although, i really don't think he MEANT "happy thanksgiving" to come out the way it did, but nonetheless, i'm off early.
right now, i have to...go read a magazine, so i'll be right back. i've...been waiting for this issue to come out. &=) brb.
*phew*
oh yeah, no pouty mcemopants today! i've actually had a decent day, believe it or not. i am in a decent mood - can you believe it? and, no, i haven't started any new meds. i went and stayed with a friend last night, just for the night, but still, it was nice to get out of the house and away from...certain obligations. no, no, my girls are fine. i think it's just ricky who's stressing me out - for no real reason. i guess i've just grown into being a hermit better than i thought i could.
i wanted to run by this little indian grocery shop i always go to, to buy pumpkin seeds. they have a huge bag of salted and roasted pumpkin seeds for like $3, and i can (and do) gorge on those until i make myself sick. it usually makes my poop speckled like a chicken egg. youuuu probably didn't want to know that. so. they also sell saris there, and i really want to get one, but i'm pretty sure they don't make them in "separate zip code" size. i mean, i've never seen an indian with a fat butt. do they want to be called "indians"? "east indians"? "hindus"? no, that's a religion. well, the ones who do all of our outsourced tech support. you know what i'm talking about.
but lately, i've come to appreciate a new foodstuff - sunflower seeds. bird food! i've never voluntarily put a sunflower seed in my mouth, but erica left them in my trunk from when i picked her up at soccer camp, so i pulled them out, and they sat in my cabinet for months. eventually, i ran COMPLETELY out of food, and resorted to eating spices and playing "open the can with no label and get a surprise!" but i ran across those seed things, and i was like, "oh gross, i guess i should throw them out,"... so i ate them instead! and omg, they were wonderful! the whole chore of dissolving off the salt before you crack open the seed to get the prize satiates this strange craving of working for my food.
anyway, i like sunflower seeds. i had a bag from when i went to the store the other day and was eating them in the car, on the way home from work just now. but i'm incredibly aware of people seeing me throw things out of my car window. i mean, i don't want to have a "vegan" sticker on my car, then act like i'm condoning littering. so, i had to make two tiny stacks of seed hulls (husks? covers? ends? butts?) on either of my legs. there were two piles, because the pile on my left leg got too big and kept falling into the seat. i dumped them into the parking lot when i got home, but i just can't throw them out the window, and people not know what i'm throwing out. i don't even throw gum out the window. and i totally HATE when people throw their cigarettes out - i mean, HELLO??!?! it's a piece of GARBAGE! bah.
"litter bugs me," as spongebob says.
i should use this time wisely, and do something wise and timely. but i'm pretty sure my bed is kinda mad at me, since i didn't sleep in it last night. and i can't stand it when i think inanimate objects are angry with me. makes for bad chi.
i'll probably post again later. i have to work tomorrow afternoon, so i'm not going to be going anywhere far. hopefully, i can come up with some witty banter...forrrr myself. because i'll be by myself. all...freaking...day. and unless someone has a careless and disgusting turkey-carving accident, i'm probably going to be without stuff to do. not that that's bad. but it's just boring. although i could give them the whole "you know, tofu doesn't require a carving knife...." speech. but i won't. i'll just don the gloves and say, "ew, is that part you or cranberry sauce?"
keep in mind, while you're ripping the meat from your turkey leg, for all you have to be thankful. and don't ever pass up an opportunity to tell your friends & family you love them! i love you all, and have a wonderful thanksgiving!!! &=)
although, i really don't think he MEANT "happy thanksgiving" to come out the way it did, but nonetheless, i'm off early.
right now, i have to...go read a magazine, so i'll be right back. i've...been waiting for this issue to come out. &=) brb.
*phew*
oh yeah, no pouty mcemopants today! i've actually had a decent day, believe it or not. i am in a decent mood - can you believe it? and, no, i haven't started any new meds. i went and stayed with a friend last night, just for the night, but still, it was nice to get out of the house and away from...certain obligations. no, no, my girls are fine. i think it's just ricky who's stressing me out - for no real reason. i guess i've just grown into being a hermit better than i thought i could.
i wanted to run by this little indian grocery shop i always go to, to buy pumpkin seeds. they have a huge bag of salted and roasted pumpkin seeds for like $3, and i can (and do) gorge on those until i make myself sick. it usually makes my poop speckled like a chicken egg. youuuu probably didn't want to know that. so. they also sell saris there, and i really want to get one, but i'm pretty sure they don't make them in "separate zip code" size. i mean, i've never seen an indian with a fat butt. do they want to be called "indians"? "east indians"? "hindus"? no, that's a religion. well, the ones who do all of our outsourced tech support. you know what i'm talking about.
but lately, i've come to appreciate a new foodstuff - sunflower seeds. bird food! i've never voluntarily put a sunflower seed in my mouth, but erica left them in my trunk from when i picked her up at soccer camp, so i pulled them out, and they sat in my cabinet for months. eventually, i ran COMPLETELY out of food, and resorted to eating spices and playing "open the can with no label and get a surprise!" but i ran across those seed things, and i was like, "oh gross, i guess i should throw them out,"... so i ate them instead! and omg, they were wonderful! the whole chore of dissolving off the salt before you crack open the seed to get the prize satiates this strange craving of working for my food.
anyway, i like sunflower seeds. i had a bag from when i went to the store the other day and was eating them in the car, on the way home from work just now. but i'm incredibly aware of people seeing me throw things out of my car window. i mean, i don't want to have a "vegan" sticker on my car, then act like i'm condoning littering. so, i had to make two tiny stacks of seed hulls (husks? covers? ends? butts?) on either of my legs. there were two piles, because the pile on my left leg got too big and kept falling into the seat. i dumped them into the parking lot when i got home, but i just can't throw them out the window, and people not know what i'm throwing out. i don't even throw gum out the window. and i totally HATE when people throw their cigarettes out - i mean, HELLO??!?! it's a piece of GARBAGE! bah.
"litter bugs me," as spongebob says.
i should use this time wisely, and do something wise and timely. but i'm pretty sure my bed is kinda mad at me, since i didn't sleep in it last night. and i can't stand it when i think inanimate objects are angry with me. makes for bad chi.
i'll probably post again later. i have to work tomorrow afternoon, so i'm not going to be going anywhere far. hopefully, i can come up with some witty banter...forrrr myself. because i'll be by myself. all...freaking...day. and unless someone has a careless and disgusting turkey-carving accident, i'm probably going to be without stuff to do. not that that's bad. but it's just boring. although i could give them the whole "you know, tofu doesn't require a carving knife...." speech. but i won't. i'll just don the gloves and say, "ew, is that part you or cranberry sauce?"
keep in mind, while you're ripping the meat from your turkey leg, for all you have to be thankful. and don't ever pass up an opportunity to tell your friends & family you love them! i love you all, and have a wonderful thanksgiving!!! &=)
11.20.2006
blow post
brrrr.....it's gettin' cold here. me and heather talked about getting new jackets the other day. since my finances are getting a little better, i'll be able to afford something soon. basically, all i've been doing lately is taping together a bunch of old newspapers and tying it together with dental floss. then, people are like, "why don't you have a coat?," and i say, "what? but this is my GOOD coat!...hey, stop reading my jacket!"
anyway, i just thought i'd post...again. since nothing has changed. and i was supposed to get a money order this afternoon to pay the water bill, but i was too "depressed" (lazy) to go anywhere after i got home. speaking of which, i actually got to work over some today, which was actually ok. ricky ended up having to take the bus home, but he's getting a car soon, anyway, so...but sheryl came tearing down there, once she realized i was going to be getting some phat OT this week. she can't STAND for anyone to get more money than her - what a freak.
anyway, i'm gonna go get pissed at ricky for playing the stereo too loud, then i'm going to lay down and watch spongebob until i pass out. i actually managed to stay awake ALL day today. which would explain why i feel like punching someone in the face.
i don't need no stinking $150 meds! &=P
love to ya'lls. i'll be spending t'giving at the hopsical this year, so prepare yourself for the super-boringest post ever. might not want to read on a full tum-tum of turducken & tryptophan. i don't know what the HELLznick i was thinking, signing up for all this crap. i'm working thursday night, friday night AND saturday night. god, i'm completely out of my mind. i think i'm going to make my mom's punkin pie and bring that and a giant tub of whipped cream up to work and eat until i barf. actually, heather said she's bringing me dinner, because she's mad they made me work on my favorite holiday.
me too, but that's another story...
anyway, i just thought i'd post...again. since nothing has changed. and i was supposed to get a money order this afternoon to pay the water bill, but i was too "depressed" (lazy) to go anywhere after i got home. speaking of which, i actually got to work over some today, which was actually ok. ricky ended up having to take the bus home, but he's getting a car soon, anyway, so...but sheryl came tearing down there, once she realized i was going to be getting some phat OT this week. she can't STAND for anyone to get more money than her - what a freak.
anyway, i'm gonna go get pissed at ricky for playing the stereo too loud, then i'm going to lay down and watch spongebob until i pass out. i actually managed to stay awake ALL day today. which would explain why i feel like punching someone in the face.
i don't need no stinking $150 meds! &=P
love to ya'lls. i'll be spending t'giving at the hopsical this year, so prepare yourself for the super-boringest post ever. might not want to read on a full tum-tum of turducken & tryptophan. i don't know what the HELLznick i was thinking, signing up for all this crap. i'm working thursday night, friday night AND saturday night. god, i'm completely out of my mind. i think i'm going to make my mom's punkin pie and bring that and a giant tub of whipped cream up to work and eat until i barf. actually, heather said she's bringing me dinner, because she's mad they made me work on my favorite holiday.
me too, but that's another story...
my life along with some randomness
ho-kay.
i actually had a good weekend. surprise that. now, if i could get out of this "sleepy/depression funk" that i'm in, you know, life might not suck as bad as i always bitch it does.
"wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, whine, moan, mope, fume, blah, blah, meh."
...is what i SHOULD have named my blog. yes, for those of you who don't really KNOW-know me, i'm actually ok. but lately, it's only been on certain days. well, no, lately, it's only been somewhere during a month that ends in "z" or "q", but whatever.
what you should know is...I'M TRYING.
so i went to see my shrink, and he upped my meds & gave me a couple of other things to try. so i take the scrip to the farm (prescription to the pharmacy) to get liz to price it for me. get this: $152 for a 30-day supply.
....................................................
i meekly spoke up and said, "um, is that with insurance?" she said it was, that "for those kinds of meds" (the crazy kind, i'm only assuming), insurance only pays half. i'm 'posta be taking this stuff every day...so i can feel better...but apparently, your insurance company could totally GIVE a flying fuck how you feel. so, that really bums me out. because there really IS no way around this. unless i become homeless or collect disability, and even then, it's not guaranteed.
so now what? i dunno. i am literally at a loss of what to do now. the meds that are supposed to be helping me are too expensive for me to afford. and that, my friends, is the definition of gay. gay is not taking it up the poopshoot (my apologies). gay is health insurance. health insurance is THE most retarded, shitty, communist, unreliable, undependable....THING in the free fucking world. and car insurance. car insurance is also a gay thing. insurance, period. i have had NOTHING but shit luck with insurance. yeah, insuring me that i'm going to have a nervous-fucking breakdown. or insuring me that they're going to take ALL my money from my paycheck.
i'm moving to a place where there's no government. i'll probably have to become a cannibal, because i'm pretty sure there's no law and order and they eat people, wherever that is. but dammit, it will be worth it. anyway, i said "CANNIBAL", not, um, "ANIMIBAL". so i STILL won't have to eat animals. as long as they have a decent dental plan and don't give me lexapro when it's really rat turds. cause, i can tell the difference...well, NOW i can.
so, what else? oh ok, so doc says i have "severe recurrent depression," and that it just keeps coming back and hitting me full force (and at some times, harder). as for why i keep building up immunities to these meds, i dunno. i stopped asking questions after a while, because as with my depression, i just stopped caring after about 10 min. still lost on the fatigue, although he said, obviously, that's a huge part of depression. i mean, for real, it's not about, "oh why don't you go out and do stuff?" ok, so i DID this weekend? ok? and i yawned and was exhausted all weekend long, ok? so get off my ass about going to do shit. it's NOT that i'm lazy. it's because i'm mentally fucked up, and i can't make my body WANT TO. plus, you know what? you can only make your body do SO MUCH, before it gives the fuck out. i'm sick of people thinking that it's because i'm a fat lazy ass. and by "people," i probably mean me. because i've been 150lbs for the past like 7 years, and YES, i need to lose weight. but at least i can still SEE my feet...when i bend over. and ANYWAY, people who've never been depressed need to shut the hell up. they don't know what the fuck they're talking about anyway. there's no way you can explain "depression" to a completely sane and happy person. it's like trying to explain physics to paris hilton. you might as well be talking to a stump. which would test higher. and throw the curve.
ok, ok, i'm finished bitching, but probably not. probably.
woah, another yawn - damn lazy ass.
have to call the sleep clinic today to get set up for that test. we'll see how that goes. i'm sure i'll wake up, hanging from the ceiling, tangled up in all those monitors. i'm a violent sleeper. and big. i sleep big. i eat the bed with my body. i have a king-size and STILL have at least two body parts hanging off in the morning and a pissed-off cat.
um, what else? oh, i got to hang out with heather on friday. that was nice. we went shopping (i yawned the whole time, sorry hj), then ate sushi (mmmmmm....), and went to see borat, which wasn't as funny as i had hoped. it was still good, though. then we came home and sat in the car for an hour or so and talked, because we can NEVER talk enough. and we watched a police officer go inside one of the apartments and imagined if he came running out, calling for backup. we speculated we'd go in there like gangbusters, like charlie's angels, but in the end, i think we just settled on backing the car directly out of the complex at about 900mph.
which reminds me:
there was this one time (i hope i haven't already told this story, but if i have, shut up and listen), when i was over at heather's babysitting. when they get home, she always walks me out, and it varies, whether we go through the garage or the front door. this time, we went out the garage, for whatever reason, i don't remember. so, we're talking (at the same time, i'm sure - just like normal), AND walking towards the garage door, to head outside. when we got to the door, i stopped in my tracks and was totally silent. she said, "omg, what is it?," and i held my hand up for her to be quiet. i listened intently, and i SWEAR i heard this, like, scurrying or something, running away from (or toward) her brick wall. mind you, the brick wall is higher than your head, so whatever (or whoever) it was would have totally jumped on our heads, had we made it outside. when i heard that, i turned around and screamed at her, "RUN!!!!!" and she grabs my hand and we HAUL ASS back inside. the whole time, she's yelling, "WHAT IS IT?!?! WHAT IS IT??!?!" it's like midnight or 3 or something, when people are asleep. so we RUUUUN back inside, and i SLAM the door and lock it! because if it's an animal, they don't know how to unlock doors! omg, quick thinking!
so, we get inside and get our breath(eses) back, and she says, "what the hell was that???" i said, "i don't know - all i heard was scratching and then running away! or towards! i'm not sure! i stopped paying attention when i got scared!" she said the neighbor's cat sometime comes over and perches on the wall, and that's probably who it was. either way, i think we ended up out the front door that night, and surprisingly, i don't think we woke anyone up.
then, one time we saw this fox running across her yard. well, we thought it was some mutant cat or rat, cause it was HUGE, but then she pointed out the tail. so at first we're all, "OMG! AAAAHHHHH!!!," and then we're all, "awwwww!!!!" <3
we have lots of "adventures," and i can only remember them at unspecified times. like at the library - then i laugh out loud, and i get the "SHHHHH!!!!!" i always do that. i remembered, at the grocery store, in the peanut aisle, that time we almost hit that doc in the crosswalk that time, and burst out laughing. the lady shopping for fritos was like, "ooookaaaay..." i need a sign that says "mentally unstable/fragile/carries concealed weapon".
btw, the night we ate sushi, i ordered, like, two things of vegan sushi and heather picks out this cute lil tray of sushi-ish things to try. so, they bring mine out - oh, how cute - two tiny trays of elegant sushi. and they bring hers out - we had to move everything to my side of the table for them to put her tray down. she was like, "well, good, just pull me up another table." i told her that they make it look tiny on the menu because in japan they have to make tiny things because japan's a small country, so they have to make things really small. plus, japanese people are tiny, so maybe in their eyes, it looks "to scale". anyway, it was the biggest tray of food i've ever seen...in a while. and she kept trying to pawn all her stuff on me - you know, so it would look like I ordered it - you know, the gross one. "hey, you gonna eat that?" no, just kidding. it was really funny, though, when they brought that ginormous tray of food. she said, "uh....," and i just covered my mouth, because i didn't have anything viable to add. speaking of gross, i was the one at the table who was drinking the ginger dressing, so i really don't have any room to talk. "miss, can you top this off?" i'm pretty sure bathing in ginger dressing would cure my depression. i doubt my insurance covers it, though. asses.
ok, i'm posta have a busy day today, but it's not looking like that. dammit, and now i want sushi. cripes. oh, i think i have some raisinets in my locker. well, that's not sushi...in any way. but it will stop my craving for raisinets. which i don't have at all.
oh, we had an extra pay period in november (thank God), so i was able to pay a lot more on my bills. that's really good. i'm getting caught up. no, no, just on the NORMAL ones. the ones like phone, cellphone, gas, electric, water, etc. no, i haven't even TOUCHED the other ones, like the medical bills. nah, those are gonna be posted on my credit until i die. i'm gonna have bad credit till i die. or until i marry a doctor. or a polymer scientist. haha, just kidding. not really, but whatever makes me seem the least desperate, because i don't need anymore problems right now.
ok, i have to go. because this entry is rambly. and it's weird. but i'm feeling better. i think it's because i'm resigning myself to the fact that i'll have to make do with the meds that i'm on, because i'm never going to be any better off. i would say i just need to come off everything altogether, but we did that one time already, and i almost ended up in the hospital with a noose around my neck. so, i dunno. i dunno anythin'.
ho-kay, luv you, buh-bye. &=)
i actually had a good weekend. surprise that. now, if i could get out of this "sleepy/depression funk" that i'm in, you know, life might not suck as bad as i always bitch it does.
"wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, whine, moan, mope, fume, blah, blah, meh."
...is what i SHOULD have named my blog. yes, for those of you who don't really KNOW-know me, i'm actually ok. but lately, it's only been on certain days. well, no, lately, it's only been somewhere during a month that ends in "z" or "q", but whatever.
what you should know is...I'M TRYING.
so i went to see my shrink, and he upped my meds & gave me a couple of other things to try. so i take the scrip to the farm (prescription to the pharmacy) to get liz to price it for me. get this: $152 for a 30-day supply.
....................................................
i meekly spoke up and said, "um, is that with insurance?" she said it was, that "for those kinds of meds" (the crazy kind, i'm only assuming), insurance only pays half. i'm 'posta be taking this stuff every day...so i can feel better...but apparently, your insurance company could totally GIVE a flying fuck how you feel. so, that really bums me out. because there really IS no way around this. unless i become homeless or collect disability, and even then, it's not guaranteed.
so now what? i dunno. i am literally at a loss of what to do now. the meds that are supposed to be helping me are too expensive for me to afford. and that, my friends, is the definition of gay. gay is not taking it up the poopshoot (my apologies). gay is health insurance. health insurance is THE most retarded, shitty, communist, unreliable, undependable....THING in the free fucking world. and car insurance. car insurance is also a gay thing. insurance, period. i have had NOTHING but shit luck with insurance. yeah, insuring me that i'm going to have a nervous-fucking breakdown. or insuring me that they're going to take ALL my money from my paycheck.
i'm moving to a place where there's no government. i'll probably have to become a cannibal, because i'm pretty sure there's no law and order and they eat people, wherever that is. but dammit, it will be worth it. anyway, i said "CANNIBAL", not, um, "ANIMIBAL". so i STILL won't have to eat animals. as long as they have a decent dental plan and don't give me lexapro when it's really rat turds. cause, i can tell the difference...well, NOW i can.
so, what else? oh ok, so doc says i have "severe recurrent depression," and that it just keeps coming back and hitting me full force (and at some times, harder). as for why i keep building up immunities to these meds, i dunno. i stopped asking questions after a while, because as with my depression, i just stopped caring after about 10 min. still lost on the fatigue, although he said, obviously, that's a huge part of depression. i mean, for real, it's not about, "oh why don't you go out and do stuff?" ok, so i DID this weekend? ok? and i yawned and was exhausted all weekend long, ok? so get off my ass about going to do shit. it's NOT that i'm lazy. it's because i'm mentally fucked up, and i can't make my body WANT TO. plus, you know what? you can only make your body do SO MUCH, before it gives the fuck out. i'm sick of people thinking that it's because i'm a fat lazy ass. and by "people," i probably mean me. because i've been 150lbs for the past like 7 years, and YES, i need to lose weight. but at least i can still SEE my feet...when i bend over. and ANYWAY, people who've never been depressed need to shut the hell up. they don't know what the fuck they're talking about anyway. there's no way you can explain "depression" to a completely sane and happy person. it's like trying to explain physics to paris hilton. you might as well be talking to a stump. which would test higher. and throw the curve.
ok, ok, i'm finished bitching, but probably not. probably.
woah, another yawn - damn lazy ass.
have to call the sleep clinic today to get set up for that test. we'll see how that goes. i'm sure i'll wake up, hanging from the ceiling, tangled up in all those monitors. i'm a violent sleeper. and big. i sleep big. i eat the bed with my body. i have a king-size and STILL have at least two body parts hanging off in the morning and a pissed-off cat.
um, what else? oh, i got to hang out with heather on friday. that was nice. we went shopping (i yawned the whole time, sorry hj), then ate sushi (mmmmmm....), and went to see borat, which wasn't as funny as i had hoped. it was still good, though. then we came home and sat in the car for an hour or so and talked, because we can NEVER talk enough. and we watched a police officer go inside one of the apartments and imagined if he came running out, calling for backup. we speculated we'd go in there like gangbusters, like charlie's angels, but in the end, i think we just settled on backing the car directly out of the complex at about 900mph.
which reminds me:
there was this one time (i hope i haven't already told this story, but if i have, shut up and listen), when i was over at heather's babysitting. when they get home, she always walks me out, and it varies, whether we go through the garage or the front door. this time, we went out the garage, for whatever reason, i don't remember. so, we're talking (at the same time, i'm sure - just like normal), AND walking towards the garage door, to head outside. when we got to the door, i stopped in my tracks and was totally silent. she said, "omg, what is it?," and i held my hand up for her to be quiet. i listened intently, and i SWEAR i heard this, like, scurrying or something, running away from (or toward) her brick wall. mind you, the brick wall is higher than your head, so whatever (or whoever) it was would have totally jumped on our heads, had we made it outside. when i heard that, i turned around and screamed at her, "RUN!!!!!" and she grabs my hand and we HAUL ASS back inside. the whole time, she's yelling, "WHAT IS IT?!?! WHAT IS IT??!?!" it's like midnight or 3 or something, when people are asleep. so we RUUUUN back inside, and i SLAM the door and lock it! because if it's an animal, they don't know how to unlock doors! omg, quick thinking!
so, we get inside and get our breath(eses) back, and she says, "what the hell was that???" i said, "i don't know - all i heard was scratching and then running away! or towards! i'm not sure! i stopped paying attention when i got scared!" she said the neighbor's cat sometime comes over and perches on the wall, and that's probably who it was. either way, i think we ended up out the front door that night, and surprisingly, i don't think we woke anyone up.
then, one time we saw this fox running across her yard. well, we thought it was some mutant cat or rat, cause it was HUGE, but then she pointed out the tail. so at first we're all, "OMG! AAAAHHHHH!!!," and then we're all, "awwwww!!!!" <3
we have lots of "adventures," and i can only remember them at unspecified times. like at the library - then i laugh out loud, and i get the "SHHHHH!!!!!" i always do that. i remembered, at the grocery store, in the peanut aisle, that time we almost hit that doc in the crosswalk that time, and burst out laughing. the lady shopping for fritos was like, "ooookaaaay..." i need a sign that says "mentally unstable/fragile/carries concealed weapon".
btw, the night we ate sushi, i ordered, like, two things of vegan sushi and heather picks out this cute lil tray of sushi-ish things to try. so, they bring mine out - oh, how cute - two tiny trays of elegant sushi. and they bring hers out - we had to move everything to my side of the table for them to put her tray down. she was like, "well, good, just pull me up another table." i told her that they make it look tiny on the menu because in japan they have to make tiny things because japan's a small country, so they have to make things really small. plus, japanese people are tiny, so maybe in their eyes, it looks "to scale". anyway, it was the biggest tray of food i've ever seen...in a while. and she kept trying to pawn all her stuff on me - you know, so it would look like I ordered it - you know, the gross one. "hey, you gonna eat that?" no, just kidding. it was really funny, though, when they brought that ginormous tray of food. she said, "uh....," and i just covered my mouth, because i didn't have anything viable to add. speaking of gross, i was the one at the table who was drinking the ginger dressing, so i really don't have any room to talk. "miss, can you top this off?" i'm pretty sure bathing in ginger dressing would cure my depression. i doubt my insurance covers it, though. asses.
ok, i'm posta have a busy day today, but it's not looking like that. dammit, and now i want sushi. cripes. oh, i think i have some raisinets in my locker. well, that's not sushi...in any way. but it will stop my craving for raisinets. which i don't have at all.
oh, we had an extra pay period in november (thank God), so i was able to pay a lot more on my bills. that's really good. i'm getting caught up. no, no, just on the NORMAL ones. the ones like phone, cellphone, gas, electric, water, etc. no, i haven't even TOUCHED the other ones, like the medical bills. nah, those are gonna be posted on my credit until i die. i'm gonna have bad credit till i die. or until i marry a doctor. or a polymer scientist. haha, just kidding. not really, but whatever makes me seem the least desperate, because i don't need anymore problems right now.
ok, i have to go. because this entry is rambly. and it's weird. but i'm feeling better. i think it's because i'm resigning myself to the fact that i'll have to make do with the meds that i'm on, because i'm never going to be any better off. i would say i just need to come off everything altogether, but we did that one time already, and i almost ended up in the hospital with a noose around my neck. so, i dunno. i dunno anythin'.
ho-kay, luv you, buh-bye. &=)
11.18.2006
au-22 al-15
bwahahahaha!!! guess bama shoulda been scared of the thumb!
auburn just RULED alabama in the game, and i love it. i'm at peace with my inner auburn fan, though. that's why i don't do all that shit-talking that everyone does all season long. i never even tell anyone i'm an auburn fan, because i hate hearing all that jeering. it's like ASKING for a punch in the face.
so, ONCE AGAIN, alabama sucked ass this year. i really thought auburn would lose this year, since they've been doing so bad...BUT THEY DIDN'T! hahahahahaha!!!!
now, if only birmingham would bring back hockey (the blood sport), my life would be complete...
this was my personal rant on sports. you'll probably never hear it again - be thankful.
auburn just RULED alabama in the game, and i love it. i'm at peace with my inner auburn fan, though. that's why i don't do all that shit-talking that everyone does all season long. i never even tell anyone i'm an auburn fan, because i hate hearing all that jeering. it's like ASKING for a punch in the face.
so, ONCE AGAIN, alabama sucked ass this year. i really thought auburn would lose this year, since they've been doing so bad...BUT THEY DIDN'T! hahahahahaha!!!!
now, if only birmingham would bring back hockey (the blood sport), my life would be complete...
this was my personal rant on sports. you'll probably never hear it again - be thankful.
11.17.2006
unfinished post
WAHHHHHH!!!
omg, it's been busy today! other than my 15 min at lunch, this has been the first time i've sat down, since 7:15a. it is now 3:05p. my feraking legs are killing me. i actually spelled "freaking" wrong, but i thought i'd leave it like that, just because it sounds good. "feraking".
ok, so i was supposed to update this morning, but i don't KNOW what i was thinking, being that it's friday, and my fridays are always hell. monfared had 17 cases, michael had 5, siegel had 2 (plus one add-on), & sherrill had 1. well, there were actually a whole lot more than that, but those were just the ones that had c-arm schedulled, which is role that i play. out of those 25, i did about 110 of them. no, for real, i think i did about...um, all but 3 of them. and it's STILL going on!
but i'm not on call, and i'm not staying. i always feel BAD though, when they ask me to stay, when i'm not on call. but about 65% of the time, i make plans when i'm not taking call, and you can guaran-damn-tee that they're going to need me to stay, on the ONE DAY i have plans. i just think that's so "occam's razor". wait - no, no - i mean, "murphy's law". well, it's always something that's probably going to get me in trouble, somewhere down the line. i'm that butterfly that flapped it's wings in tanzania, causing the hurricane in maui. i still think i'm to blame for tsunami in indonesia. somehow. hmmmm....
alrightly then, i'm going to go back out here, to make sure they don't need anything for the next 30 min. like that "alrightly"? i should just start leaving my mistakes in here, so you can see how bad of a typer i really am. my mom used to do it to - jesus, she'd hit the backspace key like fifty-hundred thousand times in like a minute. and it would be like a damn machine gun!
omg, it's been busy today! other than my 15 min at lunch, this has been the first time i've sat down, since 7:15a. it is now 3:05p. my feraking legs are killing me. i actually spelled "freaking" wrong, but i thought i'd leave it like that, just because it sounds good. "feraking".
ok, so i was supposed to update this morning, but i don't KNOW what i was thinking, being that it's friday, and my fridays are always hell. monfared had 17 cases, michael had 5, siegel had 2 (plus one add-on), & sherrill had 1. well, there were actually a whole lot more than that, but those were just the ones that had c-arm schedulled, which is role that i play. out of those 25, i did about 110 of them. no, for real, i think i did about...um, all but 3 of them. and it's STILL going on!
but i'm not on call, and i'm not staying. i always feel BAD though, when they ask me to stay, when i'm not on call. but about 65% of the time, i make plans when i'm not taking call, and you can guaran-damn-tee that they're going to need me to stay, on the ONE DAY i have plans. i just think that's so "occam's razor". wait - no, no - i mean, "murphy's law". well, it's always something that's probably going to get me in trouble, somewhere down the line. i'm that butterfly that flapped it's wings in tanzania, causing the hurricane in maui. i still think i'm to blame for tsunami in indonesia. somehow. hmmmm....
alrightly then, i'm going to go back out here, to make sure they don't need anything for the next 30 min. like that "alrightly"? i should just start leaving my mistakes in here, so you can see how bad of a typer i really am. my mom used to do it to - jesus, she'd hit the backspace key like fifty-hundred thousand times in like a minute. and it would be like a damn machine gun!
11.16.2006
these are OR scrubs. OH, ARE they???
sup sup.
just got home from work - guess where i'm going? to take a nap, suckers. i'll update about doc's visit when i wakey.
i'll just leave you with this:
"severe recurring depression"........yay.
just got home from work - guess where i'm going? to take a nap, suckers. i'll update about doc's visit when i wakey.
i'll just leave you with this:
"severe recurring depression"........yay.
welcome, foreigners!
welcome!
bienvenido!
huan ying!
mire se vini!
bienvenue!
willkommen!
e komo mai!
swaa-gat hai!
benvenuto!
yookoso!
selamat datang!
hush kelibsiz!
bem vinda!
cead mile failte!
ok, i just got that new "site meter" thingie (top left of the page), and this thing is TOTALLY cool. at the same time that i was realizing what a nifty piece of techno-goop that thing is, i realized ALSO that people in england & canada are reading what happens to my butt.
wow.
sometimes you forget that the internet traverses the world. well, i do anyway. why someone in canada would stumble across my lame-ass site is BEYOND me, but it's probably because they typed the word "pig-tail" into google, and guess where it sends them. yep - me.
anyway, thank you to everyone who stops by, stumbles in, visits, or is somehow shoved onto this space by trying to get away from porn ads. either way, i'm glad you're here. &=)
so, tonight was...great. i had a great night. for once. and i feel...great. and now i'm ravished, because i guess i forgot to eat. and that sucks. i don't know what else to say, except that i feel......relaxed - once again, WITHOUT the aid of drugs or alcohol. i mean, i could use a tall glass of sangria, but just to complete the evening.
let's see - what happened today? *thinks, but not too hard* NOTHING!
bwahahahaha!!!!
omg, i'm friggin about to friggin fall asleep on the friggin keyboard. i gotta make it to the bed somehow. i...am...exhausted......zzzzzzzzzzz
one last thing:
!!!!!!!VIVA LA MEXICO!!!!!!! &=D
bienvenido!
huan ying!
mire se vini!
bienvenue!
willkommen!
e komo mai!
swaa-gat hai!
benvenuto!
yookoso!
selamat datang!
hush kelibsiz!
bem vinda!
cead mile failte!
ok, i just got that new "site meter" thingie (top left of the page), and this thing is TOTALLY cool. at the same time that i was realizing what a nifty piece of techno-goop that thing is, i realized ALSO that people in england & canada are reading what happens to my butt.
wow.
sometimes you forget that the internet traverses the world. well, i do anyway. why someone in canada would stumble across my lame-ass site is BEYOND me, but it's probably because they typed the word "pig-tail" into google, and guess where it sends them. yep - me.
anyway, thank you to everyone who stops by, stumbles in, visits, or is somehow shoved onto this space by trying to get away from porn ads. either way, i'm glad you're here. &=)
so, tonight was...great. i had a great night. for once. and i feel...great. and now i'm ravished, because i guess i forgot to eat. and that sucks. i don't know what else to say, except that i feel......relaxed - once again, WITHOUT the aid of drugs or alcohol. i mean, i could use a tall glass of sangria, but just to complete the evening.
let's see - what happened today? *thinks, but not too hard* NOTHING!
bwahahahaha!!!!
omg, i'm friggin about to friggin fall asleep on the friggin keyboard. i gotta make it to the bed somehow. i...am...exhausted......zzzzzzzzzzz
one last thing:
!!!!!!!VIVA LA MEXICO!!!!!!! &=D
11.15.2006
11.14.2006
mrsa post update
heather told me to stop saying i have AIDS.
so i don't have AIDS.
just something moderately similar...to herpes...or a disease...that will kill me...by a papercut.
no, really. we're still learning about this, but i have to go back to see my gp and get him to do some cultures and the like. damn. that means my exhaustion might NOT be a side-effect of this crap. which means i'm STILL fat and lazy. crap. crap and shoot. this is sucking. she talked to lee (her husband, "the smiley-faced doctor") last night, and so we're kinda trying to put all the pieces together. we all have some differing views & some similar views.
for one, i still think this happening about the time of my surgery is ENTIRELY too coincidental, even for me. i mean, i don't think anyone spit in my wound (no visuals, please) or used dirty tools, but it's just...strange.
second, heather said she noticed me never really coming back up the hill once i went down, after i got the cyst. it was like, i went really far downhill (health & mood-wise), but i've never fully recovered. after that, was really when this ignominious and unrelenting fatigue set in.
third, i DO have all these weird infected lesions popping up all over my body suddenly. i found another one last night, right before i called heather on the phone. it's on...(you ready for this?)...my butt. it's on my left buttcheek, right in the middle. but apparently it's been there, because it looks old and scarred. i just can't see that far down MY ASS. see? i told you check your butts. no one believes me.
anyway, i'm STILL waiting to hear from the doc's office, and i'm STILL going through with the sleep study, and i'm STILL going to talk to my psych, just to see if all this is intertwined. i mean, i can't imagine BEING DEPRESSED for as horrible as i've felt for this long!
no, seriously, i don't know how people have cancer for months and years and suffer. i don't know it. i mean, i guess i would do it, if that's what God put on me. but i guess what i'm saying is that it would just suck. i hate when people say at other peoples' funerals, "she never asked why. she never questioned why she was sick. she never asked God why her."
cripes, i get a speeding ticket, and i'm on the side of the road, laying face down, pitching a hissy fit in front of the police officer.
no one will ever say that about me at MY funeral. they'll be like, "this chick had some hellaluck, and she deserved every tiny bit of it." i mean, you think about it, there's SO MANY other people out there who could TOTALLY use the retributions of your bad karma. but, um, i'm pretty sure that's why God is God and not me. &=) you know, i've asked to be president before, but never God. i'd be smiting the hell out of some people, just for cutting me off in traffic. oh, and that ass who cut in line in front us at the gas station one time - ooooooo, that STILL burns me up. &>=(
anyway, i'm just rambling. i'm totally friggin bored at work, but i'm feeling a little better. not quite so emo. i'm about to have to walk down to surgery. *sigh* christ, i'm bored. bored, bored, bored. bored as shit.
lemme see, any new news to report? naaaah, not really. my heart is pounding out of my chest, but it's cause i feel so tired. what else is going on? nothing.
-jammy pie won't use the tiny litter box i got for her. she wants to go in the big box like booboo. they fight a lot, but i think they're gonna be ok, eventually.
-i gotta call my grandmother today, before she sends out the rescue squad. she's gonna kill me, if i don't call her soon.
-plus, i have to go see my family. i miss them, but i really don't feel like dragging this crappy, crabby mood with me. i WAS looking forward to thanksgiving, but i have to work it this year. this f*g job blows when it comes to holidays, and i've already spouted off about that before, so forgive me.
-me & heather get to hang out friday night. i think we're going to go to the hockey game, so landon, get me tickets - i swear i'm not going to be sick this weekend.
-ummm, still working on paying bills...
-now, i'm making things up. how about,...crap. i can't even think of anything good. ummm...i...can....read........something.
omg, for the first time ever, i've run out of stuff to say! well, i could prattle on about already overindulged subjects, but i'm not. oh, my knee still hurts. and one time, i drop-kicked my chinchilla across the room, because i thought he was a rat, and then i felt HORRIBLE.
*drops to knees*
"WHY, GOD???? WHY ME??!?!??"
ok, this is lame. stop reading. i'm boring my own self to sleep. ok, i'm gonna go bum around in OR and find someone to piss off. or hug. whatever.
so i don't have AIDS.
just something moderately similar...to herpes...or a disease...that will kill me...by a papercut.
no, really. we're still learning about this, but i have to go back to see my gp and get him to do some cultures and the like. damn. that means my exhaustion might NOT be a side-effect of this crap. which means i'm STILL fat and lazy. crap. crap and shoot. this is sucking. she talked to lee (her husband, "the smiley-faced doctor") last night, and so we're kinda trying to put all the pieces together. we all have some differing views & some similar views.
for one, i still think this happening about the time of my surgery is ENTIRELY too coincidental, even for me. i mean, i don't think anyone spit in my wound (no visuals, please) or used dirty tools, but it's just...strange.
second, heather said she noticed me never really coming back up the hill once i went down, after i got the cyst. it was like, i went really far downhill (health & mood-wise), but i've never fully recovered. after that, was really when this ignominious and unrelenting fatigue set in.
third, i DO have all these weird infected lesions popping up all over my body suddenly. i found another one last night, right before i called heather on the phone. it's on...(you ready for this?)...my butt. it's on my left buttcheek, right in the middle. but apparently it's been there, because it looks old and scarred. i just can't see that far down MY ASS. see? i told you check your butts. no one believes me.
anyway, i'm STILL waiting to hear from the doc's office, and i'm STILL going through with the sleep study, and i'm STILL going to talk to my psych, just to see if all this is intertwined. i mean, i can't imagine BEING DEPRESSED for as horrible as i've felt for this long!
no, seriously, i don't know how people have cancer for months and years and suffer. i don't know it. i mean, i guess i would do it, if that's what God put on me. but i guess what i'm saying is that it would just suck. i hate when people say at other peoples' funerals, "she never asked why. she never questioned why she was sick. she never asked God why her."
cripes, i get a speeding ticket, and i'm on the side of the road, laying face down, pitching a hissy fit in front of the police officer.
no one will ever say that about me at MY funeral. they'll be like, "this chick had some hellaluck, and she deserved every tiny bit of it." i mean, you think about it, there's SO MANY other people out there who could TOTALLY use the retributions of your bad karma. but, um, i'm pretty sure that's why God is God and not me. &=) you know, i've asked to be president before, but never God. i'd be smiting the hell out of some people, just for cutting me off in traffic. oh, and that ass who cut in line in front us at the gas station one time - ooooooo, that STILL burns me up. &>=(
anyway, i'm just rambling. i'm totally friggin bored at work, but i'm feeling a little better. not quite so emo. i'm about to have to walk down to surgery. *sigh* christ, i'm bored. bored, bored, bored. bored as shit.
lemme see, any new news to report? naaaah, not really. my heart is pounding out of my chest, but it's cause i feel so tired. what else is going on? nothing.
-jammy pie won't use the tiny litter box i got for her. she wants to go in the big box like booboo. they fight a lot, but i think they're gonna be ok, eventually.
-i gotta call my grandmother today, before she sends out the rescue squad. she's gonna kill me, if i don't call her soon.
-plus, i have to go see my family. i miss them, but i really don't feel like dragging this crappy, crabby mood with me. i WAS looking forward to thanksgiving, but i have to work it this year. this f*g job blows when it comes to holidays, and i've already spouted off about that before, so forgive me.
-me & heather get to hang out friday night. i think we're going to go to the hockey game, so landon, get me tickets - i swear i'm not going to be sick this weekend.
-ummm, still working on paying bills...
-now, i'm making things up. how about,...crap. i can't even think of anything good. ummm...i...can....read........something.
omg, for the first time ever, i've run out of stuff to say! well, i could prattle on about already overindulged subjects, but i'm not. oh, my knee still hurts. and one time, i drop-kicked my chinchilla across the room, because i thought he was a rat, and then i felt HORRIBLE.
*drops to knees*
"WHY, GOD???? WHY ME??!?!??"
ok, this is lame. stop reading. i'm boring my own self to sleep. ok, i'm gonna go bum around in OR and find someone to piss off. or hug. whatever.
vortexual
see? it DOES happen. this is me & heather, btw.
heather's wearing the green shirt. and neither of us have hair. that's ok. i can't draw at all. i'm lucky i can breathe and walk at the same time.
heather's wearing the green shirt. and neither of us have hair. that's ok. i can't draw at all. i'm lucky i can breathe and walk at the same time.
bruised, but still here
i don't know how other people are, but for me it's so easy to get hurt. i hold things too closely, and i take too much on, too fast. it makes for my own drama, but no one can say i never had the ability to love.
my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.
does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.
i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...
i'm...
so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?
what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.
my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.
it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.
i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.
they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.
don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.
it's me, not you.
it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.
but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".
worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.
just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.
my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.
does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.
i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...
i'm...
so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?
what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.
my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.
it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.
i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.
they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.
don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.
it's me, not you.
it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.
but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".
worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.
just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.
11.13.2006
your motivation is MRSA, aaand action!
ok, new developments in the "jen butt saga":
i don't know that i ever said, but my culture for my abscess turned out to be MRSA. for those of you who DON'T know, that's really, really bad. in the healthcare industry, we treat it about like HIV. so, with that in mind, me = AIDS. let's move on.
in the past 3 days, i had a pimple pop up on the front of my right hip. at first, it started out like an ingrown hair. so i dug and dug and pushed and probed and ALMOST lanced it myself (because i'm all about doing pretend surgeries on people, even me), but then i remembered about my MRSA. i was like, "well, crap. maybe i better let someone look at it first." for once in my life, this ridiculous thing called a conscience actually kicked in when it was supposed to, and it WON! anyway, couple of days went by, and it's gotten bigger, redder, hotter, and looks pus-filled. it's gooooooood.
so, this morning, i stopped by the ER while we weren't busy during work. i told them of my previous encounter with MRSA, and only because i hear people saying it in surgery all the time. otherwise, i might not have been smart enough to mention it on my own. i'm so stupid. the things that i think should be linked, never are. and the things that are, i'm like, "no way! that's not even close to being in the same universe!"
i get triaged, show everyone my near-pubic area (it's always something below the waist - are we seeing a pattern yet?), and go sit on my lil stretcher. mind you, for the past few weeks, i have felt like COMPLETE and total crap, to the nth degree, with whatever formidable cliche you can think to add onto that. i really feel awful. can't think straight. can't stay awake. can't do anything right. anyway, you get what i'm saying.
so, doc robertson comes in, and i show him and as he's stepping forward, i say, "and i had a pilonidal abscess that tested positive for MRSA about a month ago," and he actually steps back and puts his hands in the air. i guess the gun i was carrying was unnecessary - sorry, bad mood, bad joke. he says, "woah, i have it, too, so i'm not even going to touch you." i swear, there are times that i feel like my face is like japanime. i was like "&=O, you have it??? " he said he has the same types of lesions develop on him, blah, blah, blah, so now i'm a "carrier of MRSA". so, i'm all freaked out now, he prescribes me doxycycline & sulfa, and i go call the employee health nurse. be it that i work in surgery, she has to document it (like my folder's not big enough), and now i can't TOUCH anybody.
i'm completely freaked out at this point. i mean, who the hell HAVE i infected?? is this like an STD? but i talked to heather, and she was like, "you know, you really haven't been the same since the 'cyst incident'. if this is systemic, maybe this is why you've been feeling so rough." makes sense, right? well, that's why she's my best friend and britney spears isn't.
so, i'm kinda in a fog right now. i'm really nervous about this MRSA thing. because i thought i knew a lot about it, but that's actually equivalent to nothing. at all. because i know it can be passed by blood, but once it crosses the barrier into your lungs, it becomes airborne, and i can cause an epidemic. i mean, if i WANTED to. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that responsibility yet. i'm just thinking it's crossed into my brain, and that's why i'm so RETARDED. but studies say no - MRSA does NOT cause retardation.
so, what does all this mean? well for starters, i have to stop giving under-the-table blood transfusions. i mean, i have NO idea how i'm going to make ends meet now. and secondly, i'm incredibly more susceptible to infections. as in, the thing on my hip wouldn't be a percentage of what it is, if i didn't have MRSA. but this thing is so big and red and hurting, it's actually hurting in my abdomen and leg, and no, i'm not exaggerating. so MRSA is basically the "drama queen" of infections.
oh, goodie.
you know, i can't ever stumble across a million dollars in an unmarked bag in the parking lot of a food world. no. i have to acquire strange diseases. i told heather, i'm just WAITING for one of us to get something that we actually have named after us. "jimmersitis" "polyharpery"
*sigh* it's times like this that i'm pretty sure God is playing a joke on me. i know that's not true, but i'm having that despondent "why me" feeling. blah.
oh, and i'll update more later, but at dr han's, they're scheduling me for a sleep study, and i have to go back and see my psych. all of this is just in case, because we can't seem to find anything else...except the bright red, gaping wound on my hip. which i conveniently forgot to tell him about. see, i'm so out of it, i can't even go to the doctor right. i get to the window to give them my insurance information, and i'm all, "i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
one day.
one day, i'll get it together.
not today, though.
and not anytime soon.
pardon my english, but this shit is kicking my ass. i just got out of the shower, and i feel like i've run a marathon. but you know what else? i just woke up from a nap, and i'm about to have to take another one. you know, because i don't want to be tired...FOR SLEEP.
*siiiiiiiiiigh*
i don't know that i ever said, but my culture for my abscess turned out to be MRSA. for those of you who DON'T know, that's really, really bad. in the healthcare industry, we treat it about like HIV. so, with that in mind, me = AIDS. let's move on.
in the past 3 days, i had a pimple pop up on the front of my right hip. at first, it started out like an ingrown hair. so i dug and dug and pushed and probed and ALMOST lanced it myself (because i'm all about doing pretend surgeries on people, even me), but then i remembered about my MRSA. i was like, "well, crap. maybe i better let someone look at it first." for once in my life, this ridiculous thing called a conscience actually kicked in when it was supposed to, and it WON! anyway, couple of days went by, and it's gotten bigger, redder, hotter, and looks pus-filled. it's gooooooood.
so, this morning, i stopped by the ER while we weren't busy during work. i told them of my previous encounter with MRSA, and only because i hear people saying it in surgery all the time. otherwise, i might not have been smart enough to mention it on my own. i'm so stupid. the things that i think should be linked, never are. and the things that are, i'm like, "no way! that's not even close to being in the same universe!"
i get triaged, show everyone my near-pubic area (it's always something below the waist - are we seeing a pattern yet?), and go sit on my lil stretcher. mind you, for the past few weeks, i have felt like COMPLETE and total crap, to the nth degree, with whatever formidable cliche you can think to add onto that. i really feel awful. can't think straight. can't stay awake. can't do anything right. anyway, you get what i'm saying.
so, doc robertson comes in, and i show him and as he's stepping forward, i say, "and i had a pilonidal abscess that tested positive for MRSA about a month ago," and he actually steps back and puts his hands in the air. i guess the gun i was carrying was unnecessary - sorry, bad mood, bad joke. he says, "woah, i have it, too, so i'm not even going to touch you." i swear, there are times that i feel like my face is like japanime. i was like "&=O, you have it??? " he said he has the same types of lesions develop on him, blah, blah, blah, so now i'm a "carrier of MRSA". so, i'm all freaked out now, he prescribes me doxycycline & sulfa, and i go call the employee health nurse. be it that i work in surgery, she has to document it (like my folder's not big enough), and now i can't TOUCH anybody.
i'm completely freaked out at this point. i mean, who the hell HAVE i infected?? is this like an STD? but i talked to heather, and she was like, "you know, you really haven't been the same since the 'cyst incident'. if this is systemic, maybe this is why you've been feeling so rough." makes sense, right? well, that's why she's my best friend and britney spears isn't.
so, i'm kinda in a fog right now. i'm really nervous about this MRSA thing. because i thought i knew a lot about it, but that's actually equivalent to nothing. at all. because i know it can be passed by blood, but once it crosses the barrier into your lungs, it becomes airborne, and i can cause an epidemic. i mean, if i WANTED to. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that responsibility yet. i'm just thinking it's crossed into my brain, and that's why i'm so RETARDED. but studies say no - MRSA does NOT cause retardation.
so, what does all this mean? well for starters, i have to stop giving under-the-table blood transfusions. i mean, i have NO idea how i'm going to make ends meet now. and secondly, i'm incredibly more susceptible to infections. as in, the thing on my hip wouldn't be a percentage of what it is, if i didn't have MRSA. but this thing is so big and red and hurting, it's actually hurting in my abdomen and leg, and no, i'm not exaggerating. so MRSA is basically the "drama queen" of infections.
oh, goodie.
you know, i can't ever stumble across a million dollars in an unmarked bag in the parking lot of a food world. no. i have to acquire strange diseases. i told heather, i'm just WAITING for one of us to get something that we actually have named after us. "jimmersitis" "polyharpery"
*sigh* it's times like this that i'm pretty sure God is playing a joke on me. i know that's not true, but i'm having that despondent "why me" feeling. blah.
oh, and i'll update more later, but at dr han's, they're scheduling me for a sleep study, and i have to go back and see my psych. all of this is just in case, because we can't seem to find anything else...except the bright red, gaping wound on my hip. which i conveniently forgot to tell him about. see, i'm so out of it, i can't even go to the doctor right. i get to the window to give them my insurance information, and i'm all, "i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
one day.
one day, i'll get it together.
not today, though.
and not anytime soon.
pardon my english, but this shit is kicking my ass. i just got out of the shower, and i feel like i've run a marathon. but you know what else? i just woke up from a nap, and i'm about to have to take another one. you know, because i don't want to be tired...FOR SLEEP.
*siiiiiiiiiigh*
rewind / erase
my life is constantly flashing 12:00.
i'm one of those people who REEEEEEALLY needs a rewind button. or redo. do-over. insert tab here. don't be a jackass.
me = stupid, friggin idiot who can destroy any good thing just by OPENING HER MOUTH. and then flies come out. isn't that what people do in hell? they open their mouths and flies come out? well, i'm pretty sure i'm an idiot, so don't ask me where i was going with that.
hey, look! a good thing!
*CRUSH, SMASH, CRUNCH, PUSH, WHAM, OBLITERATE*
there, fixed that! no more good things for the jimmy. jesus, it's like my brain is still on training wheels! please don't ask me what i mean! BECAUSE I'M STUPID! AND I CAN FUCK ANYTHING UP!!!!!!!!! &=(
just stay away - as far away as you can. that's what i have to say to people who have not already entered the vortex once. it's like a friggin tornado-ish black hole with a side of hurricane mixed in with some typhoon. i mean, COME ON!!!!!!!! WHO'S WRITING THIS ANYWAY????
*sigh*
i'm going to bed...again. AND i'm watching spongebob. because i can't deal with real life. it's too much. and i'm too weak.
11.12.2006
&=) v. &=/
i'm having 5 good minutes. okaaaaay, GO!
so, i can't really talk a lot about what's going on, cause it's kinda private, but just in my head - don't worry, i'm not sharing with anyone right now. i'm just scared to get hurt. again. right now. but i - ok, i'm just in a good mood. what happened? nothing! nothing happened. i'm just feeling better, right this second. sometimes i think i'm bipolar, cept'n my highs aren't that high. like now, i'm just in a good mood, and i feel a little floaty. and NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN SMOKING OR DRINKING, so thank you very much.
ummm, i'm 'bout to go, inna minute. but i just wanted to say that i went to the doc (finally), and he's setting me up for a sleep study, cause he thinks i MIGHT have sleep apnea. i told him i have really, really bad headaches, and i can sleep a whole, whole lot, but when i wake up, it's like i haven't slept at all. and i said, "sleep apnea's for fatties," and he said, "ahhh, common misconception." otherwise, blood work's fine, and i'm just trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, eg. the depression or the fatigue. so we'll see.
and sorry to the fatties. i didn't mean to say fatty (un-pc), but you get what i'm saying. and i love fatties anyway. and i am one, so stfu.
woah, i'm stellar all of a sudden. and i'm scared to be. i'm afraid to be in a good mood. GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
maybe...but i dunno. no. be quiet. don't say things. i didn't. say anything. das a good movie. oh, and i took ricky to see fearless, the jet li movie, and it was really good. i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. oh, and me and heather are having date night next friday, so i'm glad of that. god, why is my depression so long-standing? i wish i could feel this way ALL the time. i'm going to end up turning to drugs one day - i can forsee it! &=( crap. i'm tired of crap. and sometimes i think i'm ready to settle down, BUT NO! so be quiet. i didn't say anything! &=( i think the biggest hard part is over. and i'm scared. because it might be over, but it might not.
all this = i'm tired of being disappointed, and sometimes i think if it happens one more time, i'm gonna snap. just *SNAP*.
ok, there it is. the call is in. i hafta go. &=) wish me luck!
postscript:
see? i'm THE biggest buzzkill, just in case anyone was wondering. i shot that mother-fucker down like a sharpshooter on crack. damn, i'm good. and it took me...a week and a half? god, i'm a friggin' idiot.
that's all - i'm just an idiot. and i don't know why they let people like me out in public.
christ, this sucks. i'm going to bed. like forever. JESUS, i hate being a chick. and i hate thinking too much! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...........................
&=P
so, i can't really talk a lot about what's going on, cause it's kinda private, but just in my head - don't worry, i'm not sharing with anyone right now. i'm just scared to get hurt. again. right now. but i - ok, i'm just in a good mood. what happened? nothing! nothing happened. i'm just feeling better, right this second. sometimes i think i'm bipolar, cept'n my highs aren't that high. like now, i'm just in a good mood, and i feel a little floaty. and NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN SMOKING OR DRINKING, so thank you very much.
ummm, i'm 'bout to go, inna minute. but i just wanted to say that i went to the doc (finally), and he's setting me up for a sleep study, cause he thinks i MIGHT have sleep apnea. i told him i have really, really bad headaches, and i can sleep a whole, whole lot, but when i wake up, it's like i haven't slept at all. and i said, "sleep apnea's for fatties," and he said, "ahhh, common misconception." otherwise, blood work's fine, and i'm just trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, eg. the depression or the fatigue. so we'll see.
and sorry to the fatties. i didn't mean to say fatty (un-pc), but you get what i'm saying. and i love fatties anyway. and i am one, so stfu.
woah, i'm stellar all of a sudden. and i'm scared to be. i'm afraid to be in a good mood. GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
maybe...but i dunno. no. be quiet. don't say things. i didn't. say anything. das a good movie. oh, and i took ricky to see fearless, the jet li movie, and it was really good. i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. oh, and me and heather are having date night next friday, so i'm glad of that. god, why is my depression so long-standing? i wish i could feel this way ALL the time. i'm going to end up turning to drugs one day - i can forsee it! &=( crap. i'm tired of crap. and sometimes i think i'm ready to settle down, BUT NO! so be quiet. i didn't say anything! &=( i think the biggest hard part is over. and i'm scared. because it might be over, but it might not.
all this = i'm tired of being disappointed, and sometimes i think if it happens one more time, i'm gonna snap. just *SNAP*.
ok, there it is. the call is in. i hafta go. &=) wish me luck!
postscript:
see? i'm THE biggest buzzkill, just in case anyone was wondering. i shot that mother-fucker down like a sharpshooter on crack. damn, i'm good. and it took me...a week and a half? god, i'm a friggin' idiot.
that's all - i'm just an idiot. and i don't know why they let people like me out in public.
christ, this sucks. i'm going to bed. like forever. JESUS, i hate being a chick. and i hate thinking too much! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...........................
&=P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
