are you READYYYYY??????

Okey doke - big blogging needing to happen. But right now, I AM EXHAUSTED. Even though I wasn't impressed with the overall show, my beloved >orn can still kick it with the old school stuff.


For now, I'll leave you with these:

Me & my buddy, Dwane ^ - by the way, thanks for picking up the tab at Iguana, there buddy! Like I said - NO SHAME! &=D

Woah, who took that kick-ass photo of JD? Oh, just I TOTALLY DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KK, gotta go get my laundry out of the dryer, say 'night to the housemates and lay like death. I'm so friggin' tired from rocking out and hiking around in stack boots.

We'll talk more tomorrow. Promise.

hurting, bitching & posting don't mix (Jezzy pix!)

My neighbor's dog, Emma, pooped out a fully-intact condom the other day.

Ok, actually, she half-pooped it, and Justin half-pulled it. So, it's 100% out. It's also 100% gross. Unfortunately, if it was a Trojan, she was so protected from her meal, she probably got no nutrients...at least that's what the back of the box claims. Plus, there was no crack in it, so I'm assuming she smoked it before she ate the condom. &=)

Also, when I took a dump the other day, it smelled like canned dog food. You know, I haven't had dog food since my grade school hazing.

What's the dealio with dog food? Is someone trying to tell me something? That nutritionist can kiss my veg-o-matic ass.

On the subject of dogs, here are some recent pics of my sweet Jezzabelle, from her papa:
God, I miss that girl. My whole life, I've always been a cat person. But, when we got Jezzy as a baby (we drove almost to freaking North Carolina to pick her up, for God's sake), I immediately fell in love with her, no matter what she did. Believe it or not, I'm not one for corporal punishment for animals, but I'd beat a child within an inch of it's life. But, that's just because humans have the ability to reason. Plus, you have to keep their will broken, so that they'll remember who's boss.

Anyone curious as to why I don't have kids, yet? Yeah. Me neither.

Well, that, and I'm pretty sure there are certain other parts that are missing, in order to achieve the so-called "baby." Anyone with an IQ under AT FUCKING LEAST 100 need not apply. Yes, I've set high standards for myself. I'm sick of dealing with these idioms who couldn't even tell you what an idiom really was:

*Idiom: [id-ee-uhm] an expression whose meaning is not predictable from the usual meanings of its constituent elements, as kick the bucket or hang one's head, or from the general grammatical rules of a language, as the table round for the round table, and that is not a constituent of a larger expression of like characteristics.

And if you can't understand that I make up my own language, you might need to just not. Yes, that's what I said - just NOT. For example, I can call someone an idiom, but I really know what it means, everyone ELSE knows what it really means, but you've just been left behind in the grammatical dust. In fact, there came a point in my life when I realized that I can do and say whatever I damn well please. Now, when was that? Oh, yes - it was when I turned 30.

So, bite me. &=)

Ok, my shoulda hurts, my back doth protest, and my knee has been completely numb for the past hour that I've been sitting here. I've got much more on which to update, but I'm working off of Windows ABC right now, because my buddy Dave is supposed to be bringing me the updated, non-crashie service pack tomorrow. This thing has been a real bi-otch to soup up. I'm just about ready to pour actual soup in it and call it a day, stupid friggity. (That was a joke, for those of you with IQ's under 15.)

Ahhhh, my posts are SOOOO bitchy, when I'm in pain.

Get REAL used to it.

Love you, peeps! &=******

Ah, crap. I just looked over, and Jammy Pie had her WHOLE FACE in my Spongebob cup of water. Dammit. Now, I have mustache-water. Gross. They're totally the reason I cover my toothbrush up when I leave in the mornings.

Que Sera, Sera - What will I be?

I'm WAAAY too lazy (and trashed - long story) to use the energy to put up a poll, but here's the deal.

I need your help in picking a costume - this year, I'm either going as Alice in Wonderland (front and back of same costume):
or the Mad Hatter (2 dif costumes from which to choose):


Please email me or post a comment including your vote for which costume. There's always a possibility that you may run across me in the grocery store, dressed in the very costume you chose! I'm just a complete and total sicko like that!


I'll have to get a blonde wig, obviously, to go as Alice, but the Mad Hatter keeps my own crazy curls (because the Mad Hatter had dark hair). And, as I say EVERY YEAR, yes, I have to lose a metric ton of weight, but I'm going as is this year - broke knee and all - since my surgery was unsuccessful in getting me back to the gym, like I had originally anticipated. Grrrrrrrrr........

I'll be out of town from Oct 26-28, in order to attend (what I'm hoping will become a long-standing tradition for me) Voodoo Fest in N'awlins.



I'm going with a couple of friends, and I'm incredibly excited!


*The ever-popular Corna for your viewing pleasure*

But, I'll be back in time to enjoy some Halloween fun, which, according to this calendar, occurs on a Wednesday.

Um, blah? And, a happy birthday to my ex-love? Yes, I say that.

I haven't picked up a paper to see what's happening in town for Halloween, so I guess I should do that, to see what plans I'll be making for myself!


Sean, no "this IS my costume" t-shirts.


And Anna, I'm going to come find you and force you to dress up and go out and have fun with me!!!! &=P DO IT!!! You know you want to!


Dwane, you're just a butt for being out of town and doing what your job "tells you to do." But at least we're going to see >orn this weekend, right????? WOOOOO!!!! Aw, and me without a clean bustier - oh well, people will deal.


Heather, I'm still holding you to the Dumb and Dumber costumes for next year, ok? Don't EVEN pretend you're growing out of being a retard, just because you're some freaky school marm. You can hang that vision up. Soccer mom, my ass.

Alrighty, then. I'm on my 3rd beer and second klonopin, so I'm gonna be working my way towards the bed at this current moment. I had a complete and total meltdown today, which started with the pains in my knee and neck, continued on with my inability to find my TROM brace (to maintain the little stability I have), a new revelation that my old apartment complex is sending me to collections with a bill of over $1200 FOR NOTHING, for when I moved out, and finally culminated in the fact that I screwed myself over when signing up for benefits for the following year, so it turns out that I'll be able to contribute NOTHING to my 401K, B, 457GXQ, WTFEVER IT IS NOW.

So, my friend Dave came over to drop some stuff off for my computer, and God bless him, ended up putting the thing together, while I lay in the floor and sobbed and snotted and cried and bawled and cursed and kicked and screamed. But he was just like, "We'll fix it. Whatever it is, we'll fix it." I absolutely adore him. He's awesome. He just hugged me and hugged me while I squalled my eyes out. And, you people know how I am - succumbing to ANY weakness (like crying), especially in front of people you don't really KNOW-know, makes you a total pussy, and you should be drug out in the street and shot a hundred times, then have a motorcycle peel off on your face. But, you know, that's just my personal opinion...and only about myself. Anyone else, I could care less how they handle their business.

Well, and then he took me to get food, because I'm all out of money. He tried to give me a $20 later, but I wouldn't take it. I've fucking gotten myself INTO this shit somehow, and I'll be mother-fucking damned if I'm gonna get my own damn self out.

As they make fun of me saying now...."I GOT this."

Well, now, I gotta pee. So, vote. Tell me which one is the bestest of the 3. Gimme inputs.

WOAH, I just burped big. That was a lot of beer for me, in 20 minutes.

'Scuse me. Je ne sais quoi! (I know not anything!)

Stature of Limitations

I have the stature of a trash can. The crotch of my scrub pants are normally located somewhere around my knees, because I'm a closet low-rider. (Well, I can't be THAT closeted if everyone knows what kind of underpants I'm wearing...) I can't stand pants on my waist. So, I walk around all day, hiking my pants legs up, because they're always attached to the undersides of my shoes. On the flip side, when I wear sweatpants, I pull them down so that they ARE on the undersides of my feet.

I'm sick like that.

Anyway, if saggy pants are wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Since you're here, here's your earplugs...

You know, as you all can imagine, I'm not incredibly good at paying attention. In fact, my attention is somewhat bankrupt, especially at the moment.

My knee has been at the forefront of my mind, obviously because of the severe pain I'm in. Once again, I don't talk about it, unless it's really bugging me. So, I've been a bit of an antisocial at work - not my cheery, bubbly, bouncy self that I normally am. And, of course, I get the ever-popular "What's wrong with you?"

Well, mother-fucker, since you used such a hateful tone but were so kind to ask, I'm in pain. It's pretty much immutable and uninterrupted.

THEN, I get to get EVERYONE ELSE'S second opinions: Why did you have that done? Why did you let him do it? Why didn't you get a second opinion? You mean, you're going to let him do it again? You can't be hurting as bad as ME - I stubbed my toe the other day on the bed and it has a bruise now!

Lemme tell you a little, tiny yet somewhat important something about me. I don't like when other people give me advice. ES-SUPER-SPECIALLY when I didn't ask for it. I have a best friend and family for that. Not to say that other people don't have my best interest in mind, but I'm pretty sure other people don't have my best interest in mind. Lots of the people I know talk purely for the satisfaction it gives them to hear themselves talk. Not that I blame them - sometimes I do it, too. I don't think it's because I like to hear myself, though. I think I just have a real problem stopping the air from crossing my vocal cords.

Ok, so anyway, all these people have been giving me a hard time about my surgery, and I think I'm just going to start climbing onto peoples' backs and saying, "Ok, Jesus, or whoever you think you are to be telling me what I should and should not do, since I shouldn't be having surgery, YOU CARRY ME AROUND FOR THE REST OF MY EFFING LIFE."

Like I said, I'm no puss. I can deal with pain. I've been dealing with some pretty severe pains for the past several years - back & neck, mainly - and unless you're a close, personal friend of mine, it's rare that you'll hear me mention anything that's bothering me, physically or mentally, for that matter. Be glad of it. Revel in it. Thank God for it. And, for Christ's sake, keep your fucking opinions to yourself!

Oh, that's the other thing that drives me bat-shit, is when someone asks, and I say, "nah, my back is just bothering me," then I get the "well, I broke 75 vertebrae in my back AND both my legs AND was on life support for a year and a half AND I couldn't remember my family when I woke up, so I had to start a new life, blah, blah...."

Look, people, I'm not trying to one-up anybody. If you want to be the most pitiful thing alive, OMFG, BE MY GUEST. I'm not, for one second, saying that my pain and suffering has been any greater than anyone else's, but Jesus H, I'm the only person I've ever BEEN, so I'm the only person I'll ever KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT. As I've said MANY, MANY times before, my experiences are my own, and no one knows how they made me feel except me. No one knows what exactly happened, except me. No one knows what lasting effects they've had, except me. No one knows what keeps me up late at night, except me. And, no one has the right to pry and give me a hard time about it...no, not even my therapist.

I'm just convinced, after far too much deliberation, that people just don't know how to talk to each other. There are several people with whom I work (and know), who have the world's most hateful tones in their voices. They could be telling you happy birthday, but for some reason, their tone makes you want to walk out to the top level of the parking deck and jump off. If I'm pissed, and I want you to know, you're gonna know. But the rest of the time, unless I'm playing or being retarded, I like to put a little bit of kindness and cooperation into the sound of my voice. I may outwardly agree with what you're saying, but 9.5 times out of 10, I think you're much more psycho than me, and I'd just like to end the conversation and walk away with all my body parts intact.

So, there. I always enjoy having discussions with people, but once you become one-sided and try to be my mom, something you'll never achieve, I completely shut down. To those of you who think I'm just being a complete bitch, welcome to me. I have that tendency, but I'll also pull my "girl card" for this one.

And, here's a suggestion. If you don't want me to be a bitch, don't be a dumbass. I know - it's a LOT to ask of some people, and I've come to where I don't even expect it anymore. But if you're going to act like a retard, expect to be treated like a retard.



Wow, that was a subject that's been bothering me for some time. But, herein lie the reasons that I just walk away from most people while they're talking. Number one, I'm pretty sure they don't even know I'm standing there (I have a tendency to be somewhat invisible - both good and bad), and they could give a shit what I have to say (I experience this A LOT). Number two, I don't condone violence to solve problems, but I also have serious rage issues, and I've come to understand that my best option (and your teeth's) is for me to just leave. Number three, most people become so enraptured with themselves, your "dialogue" turns into their "monologue" - they couldn't care what you were saying if you were on fire.

So, TADA! Most people are idiots who only care about themselves. If you're one of them, I'm very sorry. I have my selfish moments, but at least I've come to a point in my life where I can recognize and admit them. I mean, hell, this li'l ol' blag ri'chere is a good example of my narcissism! And, if you don't want to know things about me, then maybe you should STOP READING.

Hey, here's a challenge! Tomorrow, before you do or say something stupid, use some common sense. Think about how it looks coming out of your mouth. If your answer to someone else having said it turns out to be, "God, what a jackhole," or "Hey, that really hurt my feelings," THEN DON'T SAY IT.

You'd think with as much as I bitch about this crap, I'd never be a happy person. But I can guaran-damn-tee you that I'm the only person in that hospital who smiles or speaks to everyone I pass in the hallway. I'm kind and considerate to my patients. I listen intently to my coworker's woes. I'll pat people on the back just for the hell of it. And, I give hugs out to people who just look like they need them.

Don't be an ass. Everyone has problems, and you're no more special than anyone else, no matter what those voices are telling you.

And for God's sake, unless you're planning on coming to take care of me (which I would never allow), then get off my ass about what I do with my life. I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have, so bite me. Sorry to be so bitter, but I've been getting peoples' critiques WAAAAAAAAAY more than I care to.

Ahhhhh....feels better.

Now, if I could just have this blog made into a t-shirt, I'd wear it everywhere I went. It's much better than "You look like I need another drink."

Why not use a glass case? and a terrorist...

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Can someone PLEASE explain to me the THEORY and REASONING behind Schrodinger's Cat??!?!

Who the hell was Schrodinger anyway? This joker TOTALLY got up on the wrong side of the proverbial universe.

I don't like'em spiders, hokay?

I've found a new site (well, it's new to me) called "Say No to Crack," which is just basically a humour site, and this is a pretty good example of why I like it:

lolspiders - yuck

These are pictures of what I guess could be deemed "lolspiders," but I just love his/her caption that follows:

"Furthermore, they are completely harmless, unless you fall asleep and they crawl down your throat and into your ear canal via the eustachian tube where they make their way up to your brain to control your every move for the next 48 hours before you die a slow painful death as a zombie, eaten from the inside out. Or not."

Because, you know? That's how spiders roll.



ehhhhhh.......*shivers violently*

You suck at talking.

I'm done squalling my eyes out...for now.

So, I went to see my doc today about my knee, and as it SO FANTASTICALLY turns out, I'm almost 99% guaranteed to have to have surgery again at the beginning of the year.

Like I said, I'm done crying for now.

My knee has REALLY been bugging me. Like worse than in a long, long time. I figured it was weather, or healing, or something retarded, and I was just being a weenie, although I really haven't said much of anything to anyone, until really recently. People would catch me limping and be like, "Hey, what th..." "Yeah, it's just achy today. It's probably gonna rain." The thing is, when I start limping, it's usually KILLING me. It's been hurting pretty solidly for the past month or so. But I just figured I'd dismiss it until my follow-up.

I went in today about 730a and had them take my x-rays, because I knew I'd be super-busy in surgery and probably not able to make it over there right at 230p or whatever. I looked at the pictures, and my heart just fell. It didn't look ANY different than the pictures we took 2 months ago. But I thought, 'maybe he'll see something I'm not, and everything will be cool.'

Yeah - not quite, Pollyanna.

When I finally made it over there at 345p for my actual appointment, he came in my room, and said, "Jennifer, come look at this with me."

Uh oh. I know I'm a tech and all, but even his tone didn't sound encouraging.

So, we walk out to the monitor and he asks me if I'm having any pain - I said "immense." He then launches into the fact that it's not doing anything...at all. It looks EXACTLY the same as two months ago: the graft hasn't taken (and has virtually been absorbed back into my body or worn away), the bone hasn't fused, the space in between the two pieces are almost exactly the same width as before. He said that he wouldn't be as concerned if I wasn't having any pain, but the fact that it's killing me has him worried. I said, "Dr. Stannard, I swear I've done everything you've told me to do! I haven't taken NSAIDS, I haven't been active with it AT ALL, my life has pretty much come to a standstill." I didn't tell him this, but I've stopped taking any pain medication at all for it, because I'm terrified it was somehow psychosomatic - no dice.

He said he wasn't at all worried that I wasn't doing what I wasn't supposed to be. He said that since it's been three months, it should be looking like something, and I should be experiencing incredible relief, but it's pretty much had the opposite effect. He said the articular surface of my knee (the back part that actually touches my knee guts) looks smooth and clean - from that aspect, you can't even tell it's broken (ok, except for the giant screw).

So, I just laid my head in my hands and told him to start giving me my options.

First, he said we could go back in, just take out the broken piece and be done with it, but there's no guarantee that my pain would subside. Besides, he doesn't want to just chuck a giant piece of my knee in the garbage, and frankly, neither do I. He said that it's actually big enough that if removed, it could possibly cause problems for my lateral patellar ligament later on in life. Figures.

The second option was to go back in (why not?) and actually use the super-expensive rh BMP (recombinant human bone morphogenic protein) that insurance said I couldn't use the first time around, because it had to be on a failed attempt. Well, here's your failed attempt, assholes. This stuff is actually like supercharged bone that works really well at promoting bone growth and healing fractures. But, he said, instead of doing the RIA (reamer-irrigator-aspirator) on my hip, which I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle again, he said we could just use allograft in place of that. Allograft is basically cadaver bone.

A dead chick's bone as opposed to drilling into the core of my femur, leaving me with the world's biggest ass-bruise and the potential to predict oncoming storms like the frigging Channel 6 Weather-Tracker??? All I can say to that is bring it on.

I had almost sagged completely to the floor when he backpedaled a bit. He said, "Did we not use the bone stimulator on you?" I shook my head, with not much hope that this was going anywhere except under the knife. A bone stimulator is a little portable device that uses ultrasound waves to stimulate fractures to heal, but somehow sometimes works on non-healing fractures. He said that he wants to try me on a bone stimulator, for 25 minutes a day, for the next two months, to see if we can get this stupid thing to do something. I asked him how long does it normally take to be able to start seeing some action and he said that the two months should do it. That will put me into December, and if I come back, and still nothing has happened, then we'll have to go back in. So, I'll be able to make it to January and all my off-time will have renewed itself, so I can get it done right at the start of the year.

I can already see my New Year's resolutions:

• get out of bed
• take shower - standing up!
• call AA for morphine-withdrawal support
• brush teeth
• stop screaming for help from attic window - really starting to piss off neighbors
• change bed sheets (what IS that smell, anyway?)
• empty potty chair (oh...thaaat)

Of course, I don't HAVE to do any of this. But if I don't, there's a possibility that I'll just get so sick of it, that I'll wake up in the middle of the night and hack it off with a plastic spoon. That could cause some major stress and confusion in the morning to follow.

So, I talked to Wynne, Stannard's nurse, and she got me set up with the lady who's going to come fit me with the stimulator tomorrow. Then, I went and set up my follow-up appointment for December. Then, I got on the elevator and bawled my face off.

I'd just had such hopes for starting back at the gym and getting back on the treadmill, and now it's been postponed AGAIN, because of this stupid knee thing. I mean, who the hell knew a kneecap could HURT like this??!? &=( I'm incredibly upset. I'm not mad with Dr. Stannard - I know he knows what he's doing. I just don't think my knee was paying attention. This is ridiculous. Knees are ridiculous. Stairs are ridiculous. People who have to have a solitary bag for every one of their groceries are ridiculous.

Ahhh, I could go on, but I won't.

Oh, and as a sidenote, I had to watch Cinder for my surgeon-friend again, and he kept bugging the crap out of me about some kind of payment, and I told him just to leave me alone about it - I'm nearby, I wouldn't do it if I didn't want it. So, he came in to surgery this morning with a present for me! I opened it up, and it was a wooden duck! Actually, it's called a Dcuk, and it's a hand-carved in Indonesia out of renewable bamboo and recycled teak. I actually knew that from the first time I ever saw these things on the interblag. They also have individual names, and my baby dcuk's name is Ivan! &=D That was a nice gift to get for someone - I mean, I usually get crap like Chik-Fil-A coupons or fur-lined gloves or something. It's like, 'Hello? Do you know the first thing about me?'

I could go on about this subject (in more ways than one *wink*), but it's impractical.

Oh, and our DePuy rep, Sean, said his dog, Daisey, didn't come home last week, so I'd ask if he'd found her, and he said he did, but she had been hit by a car! &=( He was really sad about it and talked about what a sweet girl she was. That makes me sad. I said that I'd most definitely still be mourning and wearing black. I'm sorry, Sean and Daisey!!! &=(

Ok, I'm headed to bed. I'm exhausted, and I didn't make a point of getting in the bed on time tonight, because I was so upset. Tomorrow, hopefully...

Fortunately, the insurance with Rubbermaid is cheap - unless your container is red.

Ok, so today, I'm supposed to be cleaning house. I can't buh-LIEVE it's 8:30a, and I'm SO totally awake. I hate being awake in the daytime...or at night, for that matter. If they could make a job where sleeping fueled energy, I could fuel my own country.

I was just about to check out the site for the Bham zoo, because there are some ladies there who are doing a book signing for a children's book I heard about on NPR yesterday, in my 5 second drive home. I can't say that I LIKE the zoo, being the animal freak I am, but at least, um, they're not eating the animals. I was going to say at least they're not beating them, but I can't really vouch for that. Then again, I don't know what they did with that zebra that died. &=(

Friggin' great. Something else to lay awake and think about at night.

Ok, so let me tell you all the goodies I got the other day, on my massive shopping spree.

At Worst Buy:

Korn's latest untitled (CD)
Korn - See You on the Other Side (CD)
Spongebob - Friend or Foe? (DVD)
Scratches (computer game)
Belkin N1 Wireless USB Adapter (yay!)

At the B&N:

Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl
*already devouring it, and I haven't even made it to the first chapter - that's just the foreward!

Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith - Rob Bell
*really looking forward to reading - it's about how it's ok to question Christianity, as well as everything in life, not to ever accept anything with a grain of salt.

When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals - Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson & Susan McCarthy
*I can already tell I'm going to have a time of it, getting through this one - the cover of the book (two elephants with trunks entwined) makes me teary-eyed.

Dogs I Have Met and the People They Found - Ken Foster
along with The Dogs Who Found Me
*which I've already owned once, but I loaned it to someone and never got it back. This guy does tons of dog rescue, and it's incredibly convicting.

Silent Spring - Rachel Carson
*I've been meaning to pick this up for years, because this was written back in the 60's, not unlike Sinclair's The Jungle, and spurred an incredible environmental movement concerning our air, water and land (eg. the banning of DDT). The environment, being my other love besides animals, is always an interesting read.

I also picked up a couple of books on bartending:

Big Bad-Ass Book of Shots - Paul Knorr
*which is mainly what we can mix at the bar, shot-related drinks, even though we don't have HALF of what they talk about. *sigh*

International Bartender's Guide - Joseph Sora
*this is more cocktail, martini & non-alkie drinks, but I picked it up, because I'd like to take this bar thing a little farther.

The Ultimate A-to-Z Bar Guide - Sharon Tyler Herbst & Ron Herbst
*turns out, this one is a little more explanatory on what crap is, what this means, and just general know-how of overall bartending.

So, that's it. Sure, it may be a little extreme, but it's been a long while, since I've bought anything for myself. Oh man, let me tell you - I went to have dinner with my friend Dwane last night (thank you, Dwane, by the way - the food was awesome, and it was so great to have the first intelligent conversation I've had in weeks - let's go again soon!), and as I was almost home, I got to a stop light, hesitated briefly, then turned right. Out of freaking nowhere, here comes a cop, barrelling down on me, lights flashing and everything. I was about 3 blocks from home. I got all indignant and fussy, when I realized..."ho-ly shit. I forgot to renew my insurance."

Ok, those of you who don't know me and don't want to know, you might want to skip this part. When I get nervous, I get like super-overactive colon and almost immediately, I get diarrhea. I'm NOT kidding you, when I reached that epiphany, I could have filled the car. Disgusting, yes, and I'm sorry.

When he got to the car, I looked like a doe in headlights. I was trying not to betray my recent-found knowledge but failing miserably. In fact, I'm kinda surprised I wasn't screaming it out, as I ran from the car - "DON'T PULL ME OVER!!! I FORGOT TO RENEW MY INSURANCE!!!! JUST TAKE THE CAR AND LEAVE ME BE!!!!"

So, he comes up and we go through the motions:
"You know what you did was illegal, blah, blah, blah,"
"Sure, but not really, I do it all the time, blah, blah, blah."
"You could have caused a serious accident, etc, etc, etc."
"I highly doubt that, being that it's almost 2 in the morning, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Ok, that's not EXACTLY how the convo went, but if it would have, you have to admit, that would have been pretty friggin' cool. &=) I just yessir'd my way out of there, SOMEHOW. He ended up just "warning" me, which I almost had to pull over on the side of the road and puke, after I drove away. I thought, FOR SURE, I was a goner. Because of course, next week, I'm supposed to take my car into Rob-E-Man's for a complete overhaul - brakes, tires, belts, the works.

So, I would have basically had to wire tin cans to the bottom of a cardboard box and pray it didn't rain next week. Well, I guess I could have asked someone to spring for me one of those sweet rubbermaid numbers, and I would have just had to bail water all the way to work.

"Would the owner of the beige Rubbermaid 22 gallon Duratote please come move your vehicle? You're blocking the ambulance bay."

$400, and no drugs to show for it

Yo.

Guess who's moved up to the 21st century?

That's right - I gots the infraweb at my house - FINALLY.

Holy criz-ap, it's taken me short of an eon to get finances sorted out enough to where I can buy that little retarded wifi thing that goes in my computer, because I was too stupid to put it in the first time around. Jesus, living without a computer geek up your butt blows. I could have probably stuck my box fan outside the window and blown service in faster than what it's originally taken me.

Ok, so I spent almost $200 at Best Buy, then repeated the same mistake at Barnes & Noble. I can't help it. I'm a total whore for computer stuff & books. *drools* I keep telling myself I'm going to do better and not shop wholesale, but I can drive past a Books-a-Mil and nearly have a come-apart.

I made it through the Best Buy...alone...if anyone cares to note that. After having lived through being married to the "Geek Squad" transition (and being accused by his co-workers for being "queer"), I've gotten to where I loathe going anywhere near that place. Nothing against him, of course - just bad blood. But after having spent a good part of my childhood trapped within the walls of the Circuit City in Irondale, I have little to no desire to ever visit another one. Nothing personal, Mom - now that I'm an adult, I just can't stand the smell of that grey chemically-treated carpet and the simultaneous sounds of a toddler banging out-of-tune on a casio keyboard and a thumping car stereo any longer than I have to.

And, yes, I WILL update regularly. From now on. Until the earth falls into the black hole. Or my connection goes down. Which is both possible AND probable, even though I spent the extra $30 to get the N1, because it has a wider reception radius. Just because you spend more money doesn't make you any less stupid.

I love you guys. I have so fucking much to update on. AND, Anna! I finally get to add you onto my blog! My work computers are retarded, so I've had to wait to do this. Guys, I have a new friend - her name is Anna, and I adore reading her blog. She's so much like me, it's scary. If you like to read my random musings of nothingness, then you'll super-love hers, because I think hers make a bit more sense. She's very real and raw, and that's what I love about her. It's appropriately entitled "The Inconvenient Truth," although she does have another blog attached to her account called "The Depressed Nurse Writeth," that is also worth perusing.

And, Anna, I'm going to steal your "36 things" idea tomorrow, and write my own. I always hope I can learn more about me than my therapist can read on my face, the second I walk through the door.

I don't know who the hell reads this, but just between me and the keyboard, I sure as hell am glad to be back.

THIS is my therapy.

Artist Request

Ok, I'm looking for anyone who draws, but I'm looking for someone who draws WELL, not just someone who can color inside the lines. I have a specific drawing in mind, somewhat intricate, but it's actually going to be a silhouetted, two-person drawing, so the inside details are actually a moot point.

The thing is, I have an idea for a t-shirt, and of course, this will be commissioned, so I'll be more than happy to pay to have it done. So, anyone you know who draws, or if you draw, PLEASE send me some examples of the works, so I can see what I'm judging from. Again, I'm looking for people accomplished in the human form.

SPREAD THE WORD!!!! &=)

!!!SHE LIVES!!!

early afternoon

Hey! Ok, guys. I'm REALLY sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm still working on getting the www at the attic, and aside from that, I really haven't had time! I've been working at the hospital like a fiend on crack, then I've been sick, then working more - it's just been crazy!

And of course, there's crap that I can't post about, since more people are finding out I have a blog.

THEY KNOW.

And, I hate letting it fall by the wayside. Dammit! Why is this thing typing in italics?!? There. I already pushed the italics button once to make it stop, but I guess it didn't want to.

Lately...let's see, what's been going on lately? Well, last night, I was in surgery from 7a until about 8:30p, on and off, of course (oh, I needed the money, trust me). And, when we were wrapping up, my surgeon (Dr K) said, "Okay, we're going to get an AP and a lateral, then let Jennifer go, so she can go let my dog out!" So, I did my last two shots, then hauled ass to Hoover to let Cinder go tinkle and poopers. She was JUST ABOUT to jump through the window, she was so happy to see me, God love her! Then, she jumped in the car (she loves car rides with me, for some reason), we rode down to visit Heather, then I brought her back and came home.

I was exhausted!

But I'm a glutton for punishment, so I'm back today for more. Thankfully, we have a very light day today, because this afternoon, I'm going home to take a nice, long, hot shower and crash like a 747 (ooo, still too 9/11-ish? sorry).

Oh yeah, my boss' Chris' 40th birthday was yesterday, so we threw him a Wolverine party, since Tommy said that's his all-time favorite Marvel character. Tommy had the idea, Terri made all the arrangements and bought the cake and all the decorations, and I picked up the cake and put the party together - it was fanatical yesterday! We thought about doing the whole, "Lordy, lordy, look who's older than Jesus," but it just didn't seem right, since Chris is so...well, retarded. And, I took pics, and ONE DAY, if I can get my hard drive, my camera, and my usb all near a working computer at the same time, I'd LOVE to post pictures!

And, yes, yours truly has taken pictures of EVERYTHING, since I've gotten my new cam! A friend gave me his 512 mb card out of his phone, since he wouldn't be using it. I just have to remember to dump every time I'm home. I took like a hundred pictures of the girls the other day, just because I wanted to see how close I could get (yes, before I pissed them off). But it's an awesome little starter cam. It's not permanent, by any means. I need more power and a better res viewer. When it comes to tech stuff, I'm exactly like my mom. The more features, the more buttons, the more crap, the bigger the book, the better! Like my uncle Gordon says, though, the best camera is the one you have with you. This cam has already paid for itself a hundred times over, if in nothing else but by buying my happiness!!! &=D

I've got about 2 more weeks before I have enough saved up to get some movers, so Heather, tell Lee thank you for being so patient - I'll get my crap soooooon!!! In a couple of weeks, I'll be fully moved into the attic! I have so much crap to do, though, so I need to wrap this up. Oh yeah! My phone is back on! But it's still acting crazy, turning itself on and off all the time, so if you call me, I SWEAR I'm not ignoring you...unless you're a collection agency - then bite me. Money doesn't come out of thin air, no matter HOW MANY TIMES you ask me for it.

Ok, ok, going. I posted. Be glad of it. I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a really, really long time. If I could just find that missing piece, then I'd be ok. Ahhh, Rome wasn't dismantled in a day, and neither was I!

LOVE YOU GUYS! (except for the collection agencies - lemmee 'lone.)

Happy Birthday to MEEEE!!!

I have to post a quickie, just to thank Heather for my AWESOME birthday!

She and several of my friends all met us at the Iguana Grill in Hoover for a tiny celebration, and even though it was very last minute and everyone I had invited couldn't make it, I still had the time of my life!!!!!! Although, those of you who were invited were missed - by me!! &=(

People in attendance:
Heather Jimmerson, Sean Brown, Marti Reece, Honey Lee Walker, Chastity, Kim & David Plummer, and making a later appearance, John Kirchner.

I had my first frozen mango margarita, which was awesome! I'm normally a peach girl.

I brought my NEW CAMERA, which had enough ondeck storage space for, like, 5 pics. &=P But Chastity took pictures, so I'm hoping she'll be kind enough to email them, so I can share!

I had gone to take a picture of Heather's food, which looked so cute (I can't remember what it was), and when I depressed the button to take the picture, the little red eye light appeared to be sneaking in from behind one of her tortillas. She had this look of utter disbelief on her face, when Kimmy said, "What is it??" Then, the flash went off, and she realized what it was - she said, "Oh my God. I thought there were lights coming out of my food, and I was thinking, 'Man.......this place is AWESOME!!!!!' "

I was squealing and laughing so hard, I couldn't even breathe anymore!!!!!!! I LOVE THAT GIRL!!!!!!!!! THESE are the reasons that she and are total BFF! &=D I love you, Heather!

Later on, it started to pour rain {thanks to God, for making it rain on my birthday!!! &=) }, so everyone started to excuse themselves, to make haste to their cars. It was really coming down. Anyway, a couple of us went and played pool at Pub 261 afterwards, and I had a great time. I adore playing pool, even though I've lost many of my skills! &=( Boo!

I just wanted to thank everyone for coming and celebrating with me! I missed my family, immensely, but I asked off from the bar for next weekend, so I'm going to go out and spend it with them. I'm having withdrawals, as usual!

Ok, I have to go. I have mucho errands to run. I will post again, as soon as viably possible.

I love you guys so much!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the very bottom of my heart!!!!

UPDATE

I'm coughing so much, that an old lady heard me, and offered me an old, melty, deformed Vicks cough drop out of the bottom of her purse...AND I TOOK IT! It was so crusty that the wrapper wouldn't even come off. I had to rinse the wrapper off under a faucet.

I have a feeling I'm going to get even sicker when I read this later.

Blah. I never take candies from any old ladies' purses...except my grandmother. Because her stuff is safe. She's probably the only old lady I trust.

Also, I'm wearing a mask right now, and it's not because I've been in the OR.

It's actually to keep my lung from hurling out and landing on someone. That would be completely unsanitary. And, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want it back anyway.

I hate being sick.

Viva la Dextromethorphan

Morning: 9:30am

This has suddenly appeared on my "blocked site" at work:

To view sites in this category you must use quota time. You have 50 minute(s) of quota time remaining. Click the Use Quota Time button to start a 10 minute session for viewing this site and other sites in quota-limited categories.

I have no idea what the hell that means, but I'm posting this as fast as I possibly can.

There's so much crap I haven't been able to post because I'm out of internet. I've missed posting about the whole Michael Vick trial, my birthday is tomorrow (let's just let this one pass, unnoticed), I broke my toe, I'm really, really sick right now, but it's just a sinus infection gone "Viva La Revolucion" in my head to become a major head cold, which I think is now moving down into my chest, and many, MANY other things that need to be addressed.

My phone is TOTALLY dead right now, so if you have to get in touch with me, you can page me via the info I sent through email. If you didn't get one of those emails, then you probably don't need to page me. Or call me. You can email me, but I can't promise I'll respond, since I have no internet, except at work.

THIS SUX.

And, no, I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I already sat in the shower for 45 min yesterday, bawling my eyes out. Because I'm sick, because I miss my mom, because I'm old, because I'm fat, and because I'm alone. Please, for the sake of you AND your children, don't try to rebuke any of those, because I can guarantee to you that I'm not going to listen.

I went through with it and bought myself an $80 camera, which was already in the works when my phone went out. And, anyway, it's my money and my present to myself, so get off me. It's my present for being fat...and old. It should be getting here tomorrow, so I'm really glad about that. My next thing to save up for is getting those pics off that freaking fried drive of mine. I know I'm going to have to spend beaucoups (otherwise known as "bookoo" or "boocoo") money on that. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the next thing to eat my money will be my car. It's making this weird sound when I drive and brake, which I don't have to do lots of, thankfully.

Right now, I'm just trying to feel better. I actually haven't been this kind of sick in a long, long time, which has been nice. I just nitpick at every little thing, because there's nothing else going on in my life, which is totally awesome and makes for fun and interesting things to talk about at parties. ("Who is that weird, boring chick in the corner over there, hoarding the vegetable platter?")


So, I went binge drinking a couple of weeks ago, with some close friends. I would like to say that before you get all judgemental {first off, you might want to stop reading}, I don't have any kids (although my cats DO count, they're just more self-sufficient than most 1 and 3-year-olds), I was invited to do it (or rather instructed), I was completely coherent as to what I was doing, I've been incredibly depressed, and for God's sake, I'M TURNING 30. This age thing is not going over well with my psyche. Needless to say, I had a great time, even though I woke up at a person's house wearing no pants or shoes, that were both covered in vomit, out in the carport. I also vomited profusely in this person's car. My backside was covered in ant bites and my underpants had leaves in them. My dried vomit-covered hair had dead leaves all tangled in it. I had to actually take a pick in the shower with me, to pick through my hair, to get all the crap out - I then had to get a BROOM AND DUSTPAN to get all that crap off the shower floor.

I heard the story of "T'was the Night of Drinking," and frankly, I couldn't stop laughing. I'll have to see if I can get one of my friends to write me up a synopsis of what happened, and let me omit the names, because I don't know that they want to be associated with the likes of me. (Just kidding, girls!) Apparently, I was so entertaining that they actually took pictures. &=) One asked the other, "do you think this is mean, taking pictures?" The other responds, "Probably. But she would have wanted it this way." In the ones where I'm passed out, looking like a dead body on the side of the road, they actually got down in the pictures with me. And, I have to say, I would never have gone drinking with people who didn't totally love me enough to take care of me, purple panties, vomit-covered clothes and all. One of the girls said she hadn't had that much fun or laughed that hard in a long time - hey, you know me - always willing to entertain! &=)

Anyway, I think while we were sitting outside my house talking, and I was milling around on the porch, contemplating my next place for public urination, I must have fallen off and broken my toe. Because I woke up the next day, and my toe was black and blue and hurting like crazy. I puked and dry heaved to the point that I busted a HUGE vessel in my right eye, so that's gotten me LOADS of phone numbers.......to AA.


Ok, and just to let EVERYONE know, I've officially and legally gone back to my maiden name, which is "Braxton," for those of you who didn't know me pre-Harper. Mentally, it's been a good deal harder than I had originally thought it would be, giving up the "Harper" name. But coupled with the birthday thing, I think it's just a recipe for disaster, of which I have so many, I'm publishing a book! &=)

I've had this thing with change, since my mom died, where I just think that as long as things are constantly changing (usually by my hand), I won't get settled into any one thing and get comfortable, so that when it's taken away from me, I won't be able to deal. I think that's part of the reason I keep moving so much. I was doing it with jobs, too, but I kinda like this job. And, until I do get things sorted out (YES, I still want to join the Peace Corps), I would like to stay here, as long as they don't change the locks on me. I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to stop working here if they DID fire me. I'd be like Milton from Office Space - got fired and hasn't been paid in 3 months, but still showing up for work. All for the love of a stapler. Or in my case, a C-arm, of which cannot be purchased at the Office Depot.

So, I'm Jennifer Marie Braxton, once again.

I loathe being single.

But I refuse to shack up with a loser. Well, anyone who's more a loser than me.

Hey, I'm not a complete and TOTAL loser - I have now begun to recycle! More on that later, though.

Right now, this loser is going to find a trash can into which I can dump my mountain of gross, snotty tissues. If the whole, entire hospital isn't infected with this whatever I have, I'm going to be really surprised. I've tried to keep my mouth covered, keep my germs to myself, and wash my hands until they're bleeding, but you know how it is. I'm just about ready to snort a bottle of bleach to see if that will get rid of it. The common cold - the weenie of diseases.

Getting it together

Let me just get a few things clear:

*my cellphone is broke and only takes incoming calls and text msgs right now.

*i'm working my sweet arse off to make ends meet with bills, so if anyone knows of another job, NOT selling slaughtered animals or my soul to Beelzebub, PLEASE FILL ME IN.

*i'm working off a broke toe, a busted eye, a weak and useless knee, and infected sinuses (aka. no voice).

But guess what?

I'M CLEAN, MOTHER-FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will cross the threshold of 30 as a clean, disease-free woman!!!!

WHERE IS MY BAND AND TICKER-TAPE PARADE??!?!?

you guys are asses.

BUT I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freaking happy, I can't even express it, and I don't mean just because I don't have a voice. I mean, because it's been a hell of a trip to get here, and I don't EVER want to do it again! This has been fucked up. It's mainly been my fault, but come on. I think I can deal with a nice, long break right now.

Anyone know an intelligent, good-hearted, Christian, single, game/computer-savvy, nice-looking, all-around great guy, who wants a family and wouldn't mind following me into the Peace Corps? That's all I need to be content, and I swear I'll shut up.

*sigh*

Sounds SOOOO easy, right???

HA!!!!!!! &=D

I know it won't last, but I have to say it:

For one minute, it feels ok to be alive.

When does good turn bad?

Originally written: 8.17.07

1145a: Early afternoon

If you meet someone, and they meet most of your criteria but not all, when do you determine that it's enough?

For example:
I once met a guy who is a decent guy, nice, kind, hardworking, would have made an awesome father, loving husband, devoted and faithful partner...but he didn't believe in God.

Does that automatically negate everything about him that's good?

How to know when the universe hates you

Originally written: 8.17.07

1140a: Early Afternoon

You know how when you're trying desperately to get over someone, you see everything in the universe that can possibly remind you of that person?

Eg. Today I went to the clinic for a checkup, and I magically got a totally awesome parking spot on the street...next to Regions Bank.



Does anyone have a gun?

Animalcules

Originally written: 8.17.07

Early Morning

This weekend, I get to babysit one of our surgeon's doggies. Also, someone in the ER is trying to get me to take another baby kitty. They've almost broken me. AND, one of the nurses in the OR has a kitten that she's pretty sure is dying from starvation, but she insists that there's nothing she can do...so, I guess I'M going to have to go rescue it.

If I just had a farm...and money, I could take all these animals that no one wants.

*sigh*

The world is a bitter, cruel place sometimes.


an·i·mal·cule

1. A microscopic or minute organism, such as an amoeba or paramecium, usually considered to be an animal.
2. Archaic A tiny animal, such as a mosquito.

Return to sender

Originally written: 8.16.07

Early Afternoon

I'm so fussy this week. I don't mean to be. I don't think my meds are working. Unfortunately, I don't really care a whole lot to do anything about it, either.

I can't seem to alleviate these feelings of loneliness, no matter what I do. It's just hard to be alone, and then you tell someone, so they invite you to do something, and you're like, "I don't like being alone, but I don't want to hang out with you." It's nothing personal...well, for anyone but me anyway.

I just want to be allowed to not feel good, come home, and curl up with someone on the couch, and let them take care of me, while I feel crappy. I want that feeling that you get with someone, so that when they come around, you feel like all is right with the world. The whole world can be falling apart, but as long as you're with this person, everything is perfect.

I want to be able to be alone while being with someone. When you're with someone you care about more than anything in the world, there's no such thing as an awkward silence. There's just silence. And, it's ok to be quiet sometimes. You don't have to be interesting all the time. You don't have to talk nonstop all the time. Sometimes it's just good to sit and think and medidate on your thoughts and the fact that you appreciate the other person's presence.

Friends can't always provide that. No matter that they want to do something for you, there's always some deeper feeling that friends just can't touch. People can be there for you through so many things. But if you don't have someone to fill that particular deep-seated need, somehow, the whole of your life just seems so empty. It makes everything else in the world so much harder to bear. I wonder why that is...

There are cravings that my family satisfy, that my friends don't. Vice versa is also true. We're so different around so many people. Around my family, I feel more relaxed, knowing that they know me, know that I'm weak, know that I'm not perfect. Around some of my friends and my coworkers, though, I feel the need to entertain, be upbeat, be someone else. I think we all do that to an extent. I mean, if you don't, you get the whole "what's wrong with you today?" You can't just...BE. No one will let you. I feel like if I need you to know something, I'll tell you. I'm not the kind of person who walks around with a frown on my face, just begging for someone to ask me what's going on. But sometimes I truly am not myself.

I just feel so emotionally detached from the world right now. I don't know how many times I've actually written that statement. It's become so worn and cliche to me. But it's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. I feel like each person is a planet, orbiting around the sun, but somehow, me being a tiny little misshapen, dysfunctional planet, has somehow worked it's way out into a lonely, empty part of the galaxy, far, far away from the sun; it's really cold out here. There are no stars.

Various planets and suns come by and try to visit, but I guess I'm waiting to find another sun to warm up to...MY sun.

I wish I could stop hurting people, though. Why do I seem to do that? How can I take someone who cares so much about me and turn them into a collapsing star? Not that I have that much influence on anyone, mind you. I can just crush the LIFE out of anyone who tries to get close to me.

Note to self: ANOTHER reason to start back therapy...

It scares me. I'm one of the softest people I know. But when I feel consumed by someone, I think I start to feel out of control. It's so screwed up, because I WANT people to care about me, but when they do, I try to pull out all the reasons that they shouldn't. That, and I'm still terrified of getting left behind. So, I feel like I have to be first. I have to be the first one to pull away. I've always been like that. I don't want to be the one who's the last to know, the last to find out. I hate it when people stay in relationships when they're not happy. It seems so hurtful. I know - I've been there. I think. I don't even know what I feel anymore. All I want is to be completely honest to myself and to everyone else.

Honesty is hard, though. It's not always easier to be honest. You try to protect people by not being honest. Or to postpone the inevitable. It blows. I don't know that people are innately kind. There are people I've met that seem spat right out from hell itself. In fact, I'm having one of those days myself.

My mind is so cluttered with cobwebs and crap, but full of nothing substantial. I hate writing depressing stuff, but it's how I feel. I feel like I could just leave this world right now, because there's nothing here for me. I have no purpose. I have no one to miss me. I know friends and family will cry, but in time, they'll move on, as everyone does.

I'm just so tired, for nothing.
To be nothing.
And for nothing.
All of nothing.
To come from nothing -
and to end as nothing.

Perhaps I'll get sucked into another universe one day and find my sun. But here - there's nothing here for me - nothing here but a broken, scarred heart, that's finding it harder and harder to find reasons to keep beating. I wonder how much more I can possibly put it through, before it just gives up.




Your soul has been marked "Return to Sender."