a chill day

i'm ok today.

we're not busy in surgery, and my hair is actually fixed. i'm still tired, and i have hella-things to do/plan/schedule. but i'm ok. still feeling a bit abused, but whatever.

whatever to that.

heather, God love her, went and paid my rent for me this morning. i ended up having to do so much running around, trying to withdraw money, that by the time i got to the western union desk, it was 2 min after 9. they close at 9. i wanted to rip that chick's hair from her scalp. so i dropped the money at heather's, and she did it for me this morning. i don't know what i would do without her to pick up all my straggly pieces.

i'm just coasting, for now. i'm waiting for life to spontaneously improve. sometimes i just get tired of trying so hard, so i'm going to just sit back and let things happen. you know, i'm kinda in that mood where i'm like, "f* my credit, f* the bills, f* rules, i'll just do things when i do them."

i work when i can work.
i pay bills when i have the money.
i do things when i feel like it.
i don't when i don't.

i'm just so tired of being stressed out about dumb things. but i can't really help it. it's one of the many psychotic things that make me me. i'm just moody right now. well, actually, i'm relatively calm, compared to the hellacious weekend i had. well, not even hellacious - just busy. see, i can't even find the words to fit my feelings right now. i've been having that problem a lot lately. i'm just kinda...lost in my mind, in my thoughts, in what to think and what i really feel. i'm just...drifting.

btw, it's really frigging cold outside today. this is one of the first times that i can honestly say i'm getting old, because my neck and knee are KILLING me. i wish i had someone warm to cuddle with. it's not that i couldn't find someone...it's just that i can't make myself. not right now. there's too much...too many head things. too many things and people screwing with my head. if i could grant myself one wish, it would be the complete inability to have sex - that way, i could find out who still loves me for me. i think i have a pretty good idea. although i thought i already did at one time. i always think i have a clear-cut idea of things, but i'm pretty much just fooling myself.

if you see me on the side of the road, don't stroke. i'm probably just trying to find myself. or i've run out of gas again.