scars

so much going on...

yet, i can find nothing to say.

things have been so...obscure and peculiar as of late. this year actually hasn't started out badly. but now it's just wavering through this dimension of ________. and i'm trying to hold myself back from overly-analyzing everything, because that's what i do. it's what i DO.

so, on valentine's day eve, i get a phone call. from my ex. aaron. it was a strange call, and i couldn't tell if he was on something, or if he was just SO freaked out from talking to me, that he couldn't hardly function. it was really weird, i have to admit. my heart was in my throat for a few minutes. i mean, who's wouldn't be? i hadn't talked to him in almost 3 years. he claims he was calling to see if my number still worked. but you know, if he just wanted to talk, i wish he would just say it. after knowing how "I" felt after the conversation, i think i can deal. i'm better.

him? ummm....i can't really openly comment on that. those close to me know how it made me feel. he was...trying to be tough; trying to put on this "lookit me, look how much BETTER and TOUGHER and UN-PUSSYLIKE i am without YOU in my life!" he was cursing every other word. he was prompting me to curse. he was drifting from subject to subject all throughout the conversation.

he was pushing SO HARD...to hurt me.

unfortunately, it still does. but it's that kind of hurt that just makes me sad that i've done people wrong. it made me pity him. i'm no longer living with the fallacy that he'll come back, that we're just on hiatus, that he'll see the error of his ways. that hope is gone.

but i can't help but miss who he was. i can't help but miss what we had. it was beautiful, and there was NEVER any denying it. but after my mom died, you could never deny i was in pain.

after that, my life was a blur of regret.

i'm ok now, though. i'm ok. i have a good job. i'm managing well. me and phil are on and off, but it's both of our choices. i'm struggling to reach nirvana, but it's a battle long-fought. i didn't get here overnight. my life is full of daily struggles and discoveries. it's a good life. it has great people. it could be much, much worse.

but it's not.

he kept pushing and pushing.
in a condescending tone, he says, "to be honest, i thought you'd be dead by now."
i said, "that hurts."
he responded, "oh, but i didn't mean anything by it."

he says, "i was worried about calling you. i was worried about what it would do to you."
i'm thinking, "you were hoping it would kill me? why else would you take that chance, if you're so concerned about my sanity?"

heather said, and everyone has agreed, he's just upset that i'm ok. he was hoping to find me dissolving into a puddle of tears and sorrow, just from the sound of his voice. somehow that enables him to lord over me, to feel powerful, that he was able to destroy this human who caused him to reinvent himself.

he said, "i hate myself. i hate that i'm not a superhero. i hate that i'm not invincible, infallible."

he has been changed. i've been changed. we've all changed. no one is ever the same. he's still beautiful to me, even though i don't know who he thinks he is...who he wants to be...in front of me, in front of his "friends". i'll always love him, no matter what he throws at me. i know who he was, all guards down. i don't need him to tell me, because i knew him before anyone. true, i'm partially at fault for who he's become. but after all was said and done, i did what he asked of me - i left him alone.

so, now what?

nothing. i'm here. i'm always here. i have good days, and i have bad days. but i'll always be here. i'll cry sometimes, and i'll laugh, although much more rarely. but i'm ok. and ok is better than i've been in a very long time. i'll never be completely over my mother's death. i'll never be completely over my divorce. i'll never feel that kind of pain again in my life. i'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

what am i going to do now?

i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever find the right one. not that i haven't met some good ones, some great ones, but not THE one. not yet. i don't know, if ever. i don't know if i'll have kids. like my friend paula said, i think i'm just a late bloomer. it's been a hard life for some of us. i've dragged a lot of people along in my wake. but i'm done for now. i'm not suffering. i'm good. i'm fine. i haven't cried in a long time, and for me, that's a reason to celebrate.

i have a lot of good things coming up, and i'm very excited. and you know what? i'm not dead, so there's still more to come.

i know you thought i'd be dead.

i'm not sorry to disappoint you.

i'm free.