hurt

Current mood: depressed

my heart is heavy and empty at the same time. for some reason, loneliness consumes me. i don't know what it is - holidays, anniversaries. i've tried to give it a name, a reason. but it's just here. and it's on me. it's all over me. it is me. i can see death and hollowness in my eyes. sometimes the tears can't stop coming, but there are times they won't come at all. my agorophobia is bad again. i don't want to be around people. the only thing i can attempt to do is to stay busy, but even that won't hold me forever. am i just supposed to keep running until i collapse? there's no way. i can't force myself to be around people - that makes it all worse. it makes me hate myself, and it makes me resent the people i love.

i always think that it's him, but it's not. it's the thing that WAS him. it's the thing that made US. it's the comfort i found in the love i had with him. it was the feeling of falling into the arms of someone i truly loved with every fiber of my being.

now, people hug me. people tell me they are there. but it doesn't matter. it's not the same. and it doesn't help. it's so shallow and hateful for me to say those things, but i don't like to pretend. i do it all the time, just to make it through the fucking day, and i hate it. i'm never me. i'm so mournful inside right now. i'm so emo, so cliche. but it's me. it's how i feel.

my head hurts, my heart hurts, i'm trying so hard to get physically better, but this psychological crap puts up a brick wall in the path of my progress. and it takes so long and so much damn energy to chip away at the wall - just to make a big enough hole for me to crawl through. so, there's a hole, and there's still the wall that i try to leave behind, but the matter is still present. it's just pushed away.

i'm doing better financially - much better. that takes such a load off. but the saying is true - money doesn't buy happiness. it only feeds your need for REAL LIFE. i LONG to find someone who can love me for me, someone for whom my feelings are reciprocated. there are people who care for me, and people for whom i care. but i can't just MAKE myself feel a way. i want to, God knows i do. but i'm so afraid anymore.

no, not afraid.

tired.

tired of the fight. tired of the struggle. tired of pushing to make it every single day.
i want someone to find me. i want him to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i've never felt. i want it to completely consume me. i want him to forgive me for having a past. i want someone who wants what i want. i want someone to have the fire that i have to help others. i'd love to meet someone who would join me in the peace corps, to travel and build and help and heal. that's all i can think about anymore. i know it's what i was meant to do. but i want someone to go with me. i want someone to want the same things i want. i don't know who he is. i don't even know if he exists. i want him to know that i would give my entire life to be a part of him. i want someone who doesn't push away if i feel the need to visit my family. i want someone who's family can become a part of mine. i want to mesh entirely into his life. i want what i had with aaron. i want it so badly, i can taste it.

it's not him. not anymore. it's just the relationship. it's what i had. i know it was perfect, i know i threw it away, i know it's gone. but i'm new. i'm forgiven. i'm clean and completely pure. my mind is in a different state. i can think clearly. i know what i want out of my life.

please let me have that chance. i don't know who you are. i don't even know if you exist. but please know that i'm good. i don't have hate in my heart, except for those who hurt the people i love. i'm here, and i know that i will continue on with or without you. but your attention would be wonderful. it would make my life so much easier, and i would love to do the same for you.

please find me.

Currently reading : Bridge to Terabithia
By Katherine Paterson
Release date: By 17 June, 1987