One-time mania

Okay.

Mania.

I think this is about as "manic" as I get. I had my first good day today. Like, first semi-good, got out of bed, intermittently did the dishes, didn't feel world crashing on shoulders day that I've had in a long time.

So, B says we have to go see a friend tonight. We go over to friend's house, which is hard, because I'm not drinking or smoking right now, to stay clean (and because of shit that happened, which SUCKED. But, I'll wait and blog about that, when I move my blog over...), and...well, I just need to do this. It's just hard for me to go over to B's friend's house, because it's all that regular nonsensical redneck talk - N***** this, fag that. And, it totally grates on my nerves. Like, my nerves on a cheese grater. And, I keep my mouth shut, because there are times where you just have to - everyone, now - choose your battles.

Incidentally, I HATE those battles. Because it makes me so angry in my head that I don't want to fight with words anymore. I hate that hate. I'm already DEALING with that hate. So, I have to just shut my mouth and look at the pretty stars, or worse - I end up as the babysitter. But, if I have to hang out with people who are stickier than me, just to get a word in edgewise, then I guess that's what I'll do.

SO. B had five out of a six-pack, one hit, and he was ready for bed when we got home. It was 930p. It is now 1242a, and I'm still bursting out of my skin. I suddenly have mondo-energies, and I'm feeling slightly panicked, for whatever reason.

Ummm...MONDAY. Monday, I'll be going to the career center in Alabaster. I'm really nervous about that. Hell, I'm nervous just taking the dogs out. But, this "Jennifer Joad" is going to have to be exercised, like a demon. I'm sick of her. I DO enjoy playing with inchworms and bees and letting the dogs out whenever I want and NOT having to clean up poos when I get home from work. But, she's scaring me. I don't like not being able to look people in the eye when I talk to them. I feel like an agoraphobic...and I very much am not. I've never been. I'm pretty lazy, and I do like my own space, but I've gotten to where I climb B like a spider monkey, when he gets home, and that is ALSO not me. Every time I do that, and he has to unclench my hands just to be able to go take a wiz, I'm like, "What the hell has happened to me? I've undone every bit of independence I've ever had. This is ridiculous. I'M ridiculous!"

I've been doing a lot on Facebook with animal rights stuff. Not that *I* have done anything - I've just been reading a lot, researching and reposting. Okay, so I take it back - I'm not doing much of anything, except hanging out on Facebook. Then, I look at the clock, and it's 3p, and - that's right - nothing's been done. I get REALLY depressed when B's not here, but I get really frustrated when he is. It's a lose-lose sich.

Oh, and the St V/Pell City gig is a no-go. They've got me marked as ineligible for rehire. Asses. I don't want to think about that.

Um...what else?

Oh, I cut myself again. It was the night of "hugest mistake ever, hence the no drinking/smoking deal," but it was also the night of discovering who my real friends...weren't. And, I'm over it. Exceeeept, now I have this lovely gouge in my left forearm to remind me. It's on the inside of my arm, about 8.5 inches long and extends from my first finger on my palm, a little over halfway down my arm. And, yes, I feel stupid. And, no, I don't remember doing it. But, I never said I wouldn't cut myself again. I've never made that promise. I never make promises I can't keep.

Yeah, it was a dummy move, but I did a dummy thing.......which resulted in being judged by a bunch of dummies, so there. I was upset at the time, but I'm good now. It was one of those "don't get fucked up around people you don't know" moves. And, I never will again. Yup. QB taught me my lesson. Even though she's guilty of that and SO much more, I was the one judged and ousted.

And, this is my response:

Rude. Yes. I know. And, totally not my style. But, I've already done my apologizing, and I'm finished. I've already felt bad, but the more I dwell on it, the more I realize that I was wronged as well.

Jesus, this is turning into the zebra ALL over again.

Which is why I'm glad it's over. Because it was ALWAYS drama. And, I'm too old for that. She's even WAY older for that, but whatever.

Back to me.

Hmmm....I think I'm going to play Dragon Age. I wish I could play Paper Mario on Wii. Actually, I wish I could just have peace of mind to just sit down and cross-stitch, but I feel like I just ate a packet of lit bottle rockets.

Fuck. I wish I could write something that didn't sound like a fucking page out of "Dear Diary." Meh. I will. One day.

NO-tivation

Mmmmkay. One more time, I haven't been a good blogger. It's been a moderately stressful last week or so. And, when you live in the woods and don't have a lot going on, there's not really a whole lot that's worth blogging about.

I'm actually about to jump in the shower, then I'm going to head out, to fill out an app at a staffing service, since their web page isn't working. I'm trying to keep myself motivated to do things because, A) we're out of money, and B) I'm swatting depression off of me like naggy flies. My car is in serious need of repair and an oil change, of which I can afford neither, so I really SHOULDN'T be leaving the house. But, jobs aren't exactly knocking on my door these days. I'm suddenly a part of the "X-Ray Do Not Want" list, which blows, nor do I understand, but that's for another post. One day. When you guys are bored. And, I'm full of woe. And, can't find anything else to bitch about.

Fo' now, Imma go shower. I've got so much shit around here that I still need to do, but I'm not even the slightest bit motivated. I swear, if they could bottle motivation and sell it on the street like crack, I'd take it. I would freebase motivation. I'd even take it in suppository form. This is ridiculous. I know other people have those days of not wanting to do anything, but mine seem to be, um, EVERY, SINGLE DAY.

I hadn't been taking my meds, because I didn't feel like they were making a whole lot of difference, but sure enough as I came off of them, I started feeling worse than ever. So, they're doing SOMEthing - just not what I need them to do.

Plus, I can't figure out what of this is pure laze, and what is depression. Does it matter? Is there really a difference? Because I'm not getting ANYTHING done, no matter what it is. And, my feelings of "LOSER" are starting to set up house again, which makes it even HARDER for me to find that elusive motivation.

According to Google, motivation looks like giant boobs in a fish-eye lens. Yeah. That just makes me motivated to make money, so I can get a boob job and a camera with a fish-eye lens, so I can post my junk on the internet.

Oop - nope. It's gone again.

Okay. My smell is motivating me out of this chair. It's almost 1030, and I've got shit to do. There. That's my motivation for the day. That, and Jack's whining. Although, that's about enough to motivate me to run outside the house with no pants on, screaming.

Oh, yeah. Shower. Here I go.

On the way out

So, we got into what I would consider a pretty monumental (yet, INCREDIBLY RETARDED) fight tonight.

It was over whether or not I should go get the grocery list out of the car.

Naturally, we didn't speak all the way through the store, all the way home, and until I got off the phone my friend about one of my prospective jobs. THEN, he was interested.

But, we never talked about what happened.

So, I'm pretty much ready to go. I don't have a lot of patience with relationships. But, to be fair, we don't really have a whole lot in common...except for video games. I really want to, like, go through and LIST the things that bother me, but I feel like that would just be "me pointing out his faults," and I don't want to do that. That's crude, because he's an incredible guy.

This is one of those cases where it's not necessarily him or me (although, it's probably more me than anything), it's both of us.

I'm just ready to be back out on my own again. I feel like a sponge. I feel like he's "putting up" with me, and I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING. I feel like a HUGE burden...and I am.

But, this is the only option that won't drive me absolutely bat-shit insane, unfortunately.

On the upside, the job thing is looking up. The skip tracing job called me back.

I also heard back from Debbie, who said the lab job has now turned into an assistant administrative job with a substantially larger amount of money. The only drawback to that job is they won't be ready to hire me until sometime in November, but that's just right around the corner, soooo.....

So, I think I'm going to get on with the skip tracing, then move on to the other job. I'd like to at least SEE if the skip tracers would let me stay on PRN or something, but I'm not sure if they offer that sort of thing. Psh, we'll see. I gotta do something, and it's gotta happen soon.

I need myself back. She's not the greatest thing, but I've gotten pretty attached to her.

Maybe we can stay friends....

Breaking down...only to rebuild

This is how it always goes.

I reach the absolute lowest point to which I can possibly sink. Then, everything starts pulling together. Fast. Almost too fast. And, then I'm forced to make a decision. And, THAT'S the part I'm really no good at. I have no confidence that I'll make the right choice. ZERO. I feel like, I've boned myself this many times over (which I'm assuming is why I'm in this situation), what makes me think I'm not setting myself up for another self-sabotage?

*huff* It's times like this that I'm pretty sure I'm my worst enemy, even though I really do want good things for myself.

So, these are my options. And, mind you, I still haven't had any offers - only interviews:

Job #1 - Skip Tracer

$12/hr

Insurance, 401k, PTO

8a-5p

No holidays, no weekends

Located in Birmingham

Job #2 - X-ray Tech

$21.31/hr + $2 shift dif

Insurance, 401k, PTO

6p-7a, 7on/7off OR 12-hr weekend shifts, plus various shifts M-F

Located in Pell City

Job #3 - Lab Tech

$15/hr

Insurance

8a-5p

No holidays, no weekends

Located in Birmingham

*still don't know a whole lot about this job, yet - just found out about this one this morning

Obviously, my gut says, "Hey, you need money like a homeless man! Take that job in Pell City!" BUT, that would put me - yep, you guessed it - back in Pell City. And, while I ADORE my family and my friends who live there, I really can't imagine a worse fate...for MYSELF. The thought of living in Pell City is enough to drive me even further into an almost interminable depression. It's NOT the people I love, obviously. It's the shallow, bigoted, biased, intolerant, narrow-minded behaviors of everyone else who live there. It's like living in Birmingham, only on a much smaller and more concentrated scale. Plus, there's no theatre, there are no shows, no plays, no decent bars or clubs, etc. I'd have to drive back to Birmingham to do ANYTHING.

On the upside, I'd be back with my family, which is, in no way, a negative. If there's anything I regret about living in Birmingham, it's that I'm missing out on the kids' lives, and I don't get to spend ANY time with my grandmother. And, I'm only EVER going to rue that forever. BUT, if I get a decent, regular job in Birmingham, I can stay here, but I'll make enough money to afford gas and upkeep on my car, which is ideally what I'd like.

I like the idea of the skip tracing job. That sounds like a lot of fun. But, the lab tech job would put me back in the medical field, which for the record, I don't HATE. I just hate working with people who are deliberately hard to work with. I felt really stupid, because I had to tell the HR lady from the hospital about the bullying I had to endure for four years, when I worked at Highlands. I told her that I repeatedly told my boss, but he always ignored it. And, that's what usually happens.

That's why I never told my boss at Makario's that that asshole was stealing my tips. You really think he was really going to reprimand his family member, based on something *I* said? I'm not stupid. Unfortunately, being a boat-rocker and telling the truth has done nothing but screw me in the past, so I'm forced to choose my battles, now. And, I'm not going to generalize that race of people, but I know the people at Makario's always stick together, no matter what. So, that's why I quit. I didn't have to, but I also don't believe I should have to put up with that kind of mistreatment. I don't enter establishments with the intent of making trouble, but I'm always put into compromising situations, where I have to decide what to do, whether it's telling the truth, covering for someone, reporting something negligent or illegal...and you know what? After being basically unemployed for over a year, I'm not entirely sure it's always worth telling the truth, if *I'M* the one who ends up suffering for it.

I don't like that. I don't like having to compromise myself...FOR A JOB. All I've EVER wanted was to have a job, where I go in, do work, get along with the people, get out and get paid. Well, no. I've always wanted a job that I enjoy, as well as coworkers I could call family, no matter the amount of money I make. But, that's pretty impossible, with the selfishness that consumes people today. These days, I'd say probably 99.8% coworkers will throw you to the wolves without any reflection. The closest I've ever been to anyone was at Grow, and those people are still in my life. But, they're good people, too. No one there ever gave each other any crap. We always worked hard and worked together like an office SHOULD. I mean, holy CRAP! Aren't we all working towards the same goals??? I can't tell you the people with whom I've worked (and currently know) who work harder trying to AVOID work. It's insane.

I love working. I don't expect anyone else to. But, I do expect a certain amount of respect and even forced pleasantness to occur, when you're at a job. And, you know what? When you push yourself to be more positive, you actually BECOME that way. It's weird.

*INCOMPLETED* <-I hate when I do this...

Next time, don't come in here

Got this from a customer yesterday, INSTEAD of a monetary tip:

Okay, seriously, DON'T ever leave your server "tips" like this, unless you want to make an enemy for life, unless you're telling her how friggin' awesome she is. I can PROMISE you that we do NOT take your "advice" into consideration or even seriously. I can't believe what judgmental bitches people are, when you wait tables. I mean, for fuck's sake, who the hell grows up and says, "I want to be a server, so that people can treat me like TOTAL dog poo for 6-12 hours out every, single day!" Almost everyone I know has waited tables (reluctantly, no doubt) at some time in their lives, and nearly every person who ended up having to work in the same kinds of places I've worked (lower class establishments - not like Bottega), it's resulted in some of the most miserable experiences of their lives.

I may not be the best server in the world, but I'm all over my customers like scabies. (Probably not the best analogy, but whatev.) I watch them like a hawk. I bring all their food, the absolute second it comes up, I keep their drinks filled, and when they take the last bite of their entree or even LOOK like they're not interested in their food anymore, I swoop in with the check - I'll even wait for them to pay, if they start digging for their money. If things are getting hairy, and I've got 50 tables going at once, yeah, I'll bring your check early. But, it helps ME keep everyone straight, and I, personally, HATE waiting on my check. HATE IT. I hate when it seems my server has disappeared into the nexus, and I'm left with a bone-dry glass and no check. I'm constantly walking by my tables, so that if anyone needs anything, all they have to do is look at me or put their hand up to catch my attention. I am THERE for my customers. (And, yes, I'll divvy out hugs to those who need them.)

Apparently, this guy wanted me to burp him, change his diaper, and lay him down for a nap, before I brought his check. Now, he's just going to get a loogie or a booger in his food. Okay, okay, I'm totally kidding...................maybe. *raises eyebrow*

Lesson for the day:

DON'T piss off your server. 99% of the time, they're in a difficult place in their lives (which is why they're waiting tables), so they'd appreciate a little kindness on your end, too.

Jennifer vs. The Job Market

Post 500, and I will go ahead and apologize that it will not be monumental, nor groundbreaking.

We just back from seeing Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and I can easily say it was one of my favorite movies EVER. I would like to see it in the theatre again (about 50 times), but I guess we'll have to wait for the dollar theatre...since we're broke, and it's about to leave the cinema, anyway.

It's one of those movies that I could watch at any time, and it could cheer me up, IMMENSELY. I adored the music. I loved the people. I was rapt with all the CGI stuff they did.

It. Was. AWESOME!

Now, to bed. Work in the morning, where I will put in my 2-week notice. The bastard who works up front has been stealing my tips. I've caught him twice, but I refuse to besmirch myself by being a tattle-tail. Every time I do that at jobs (be labelled the "boat-rocker"), I get this horrible reputation that I'm never able to live down. So, I'm leaving this one behind - at least no bridge burning. It's the least I can do, with as horribly as my life is going right now.

I can do better. And, I will suffer greatly before relief comes. But, I will do better...for myself.

Blog about your day - Take 1

Shleepy.

I just got back from babysitting someone's five chilluns tonight...and I made twice what I made from working seven hours at the restaurant today - AND this asshole stole my tip today.

I fucking hate that job.

With a FIERY PASSION.

I'm going to bed. ArtWalk with Bryan tomorrow afternoon, then slave labor from 5p-2a.

NOT looking forward to this. This week has been a complete suckfest. It seems the more I work, the busier it is, the harder I bust my ass, the LESS I bring home.

God, PLEASE make this be more temporary than I had first hoped...

As the cards bend and fold, the house will crumble

Emily sent a note out, saying Ang had put in her 2 weeks (actually 3 weeks) notice at the warehouse. Turns out, Jerry is giving her 1 week and having her work only half days. This is so typical of him. Also, Bongo texted me and said she had gotten fired, because she had taken vacation and not told Jerry (but I'm pretty sure Ang, HER supervisor, knew). This is just his way of "cleaning house," and getting new people in there who have no clue what's going on, God love them.

On the upside, Ken sent this, and it's been very inspiring to read (over and over, again):

"This is indeed very good news. She will be very difficult to replace. I would say that this is the beginning of the end of , at least with Jerry Spencer at the helm. I hold the vision that a new organization will grow out of the ashes. We have the passion. We have the talent. We have the integrity. We have the vision. We have the customers. We have the farmers. We have all of the creative genius we need to accomplish anything we set out to create. We shall not fail.

The universe supports us in our commitment to right livelihood and making the planet a more sustainable and regenerative place to live. Let go and enjoy the process. Know that we are being supported on all levels and that this is our time. We are the change that we've been waiting for!

Mediocrity is not an option as we move into the new planetary paradigm and manifest the Garden of Eden. The kingdom of heaven within and without is unfolding before our eyes."

THIS is why I choose to keep going.

What the hell do you want from me?

Seriously.

If there's something crucial I'm missing, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Otherwise, I think it might be prudent for some of you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) to just cut your losses (trust me - I'm no one worth losing sleep over) and move on.

Being abused is not something I take lightly (okay, not anymore). And, I can tell you, it's happened to me far more in the past ten years than...well, more than anyone should have to put up with. Mental, emotional, physical...if you think you're that important that you feel it necessary to put your hands on someone else, then I encourage you to IMMEDIATELY seek help. I can also assure you that you will NEVER be that important. No matter how much it stokes the fiery embers of your ego or helps you cum, when you're laying in bed, thinking about how you dominated another human being - THAT IS NOT NORMAL. It's also not a good thing. It pretty much means you're a sick human being and really shouldn't be functioning within the realms of an active and productive society.

This has been an important announcement by "if you ever fucking put your God-damn dirty hands on me or someone I care about again, or scream at me like that, laws be damned, I'll kill you myself."

And, if you know of someone who is currently being abused, please send them my way. There is ALWAYS a way out. *I* may not have any rights as a victim in a professional setting, but I'll see to it that no one else ever has to go through something like this.

If you think you have the right to demean or invalidate anyone else, then just remember that you also reserve the right for someone to beat the shit out of you.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)