redeemed every night at 9p

my emotions are completely out of whack. the only thing i can appreciate right this second is that the simpsons are coming on.

incidentally, i'm having a lot of "issues" with where i belong right now. i'm actually talking to a lady with cross-cultural solutions about joining one of their volunteer programs for a few weeks. i had originally wanted to go to dharamsala, but i was reading about morocco and ghana, and i'm kinda leaning towards africa now. the only thing that's holding me back is the fact that you have to PAY to join the program. *psh*

ok, show's on. i promise i'll post again soon. i'm just...i'm kinda lost right now. funny to think about the things or people who possibly curtail your depression. when those things are taken away, it's like there's no turning back. i wish i could go back 7 years and start again...

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

goodbye to a friend

Current mood: crushed

my friend ella passed away this afternoon.

our whole department was glum. i just went around and hugged as many people who would let me.

i don't know what to say. she led such a hard life and had so many problems, but she never really let it outwardly bother her. she would always do her job to the best of her ability and never complain. she knew every part of that hospital and knew how to do almost everything in our department. she worked in the file room - something everyone balked at - when we lost all those people at the changeover. so many people in the hospital knew and cared so much about her. everyone in surgery was asking me how she was doing all day, but it never seemed like we had good news to share.

*sigh*

i'm glad she didn't suffer for long, but i'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that she won't be there anymore. i miss her already. and her family...her poor brother...they managed to get him back over to see her before they took her off life support. he's going to be so lost without her. i think, to some degree, we all will be. she was always such a positive part of your work day.

i'm sure some people won't think too much on this, but it seems no matter how many times i go through it, death never gets any easier.

*tears*

i can still see her little, tiny self, standing there, waving good morning to me when i dragged in every morning. she always spoke and always asked me how i was.

ella, i miss you so much, and i'm sorry i didn't hug you when i saw you on thursday. it's not that i didn't care - we just get wrapped up in our own little worlds and forget about other people so many times. i can't even seem to say the right thing. thank you for being my friend, ella, for the brief time i knew you. even if you never knew, you touched almost everyone with whom you came into contact. our department will never be the same without you, and so many peoples' lives will be so empty without you. mike, rena, ora, and mamie just to name a very few.

we still love you, ella, and although your body was weak, your spirit was strong. i know you're well again, and for some reason, God sometimes feels the need to take the best ones. and even though the rest of us might not feel it for a while, you're at peace now, and that's what's important. we didn't want you to hurt anymore, but we'll surely be hurting without you.

i love you, sweet girl!

ella...

my coworker, and i can safely say my friend, ella perry is in the hospital, in critical condition today. she had some problems the yesterday, while she was home, but she was able to call the paramedics. they rushed her to the hospital, and she went directly into surgery, where she stayed for almost 6 hours. she's in the ICU now, but she's not doing well.

some of my other friends from the OR and i are going to go by and, at the very least, visit with her family today. i know they already know, but i just want to express to them what a special person ella is to me. she's such a good person, and i'm still praying that it's in God's plan for her to stay here, but if not, then that's the way it has to be.

whether or not you're religious, please keep my friend in your thoughts. she's at a very critical point in her life, and i'm hoping that she's able to remain here with us. she's a good, kind, sweet, caring, God-loving woman, who's only concern has always been about others. she's always noticed when i've been down and has never denied me a hug, when she saw i needed it. although i've only known her for the 2 years that i've worked here, she's still a very special person to me.

now they're saying ella's brother, andrew, has possibly had a heart attack. he and ella are so close and love each other SO MUCH! they've rushed him to the emergency room.

please let them be ok....

studying logs

originally posted march 19, 2007

Current mood: tired

okey smoke, so it's like this. i did my sleep study last night....and guess who was sawing logs??!?! that'd be me. if they couldn't find anything wrong with me, i was going to have to stay the rest of the day, but this morning, she came and clicked on the lights, and said, "ok, you can go!" i was like, "ummm, does that mean...." and she said, "sleep apnea? yep."

oh, goodie. i mean, OH, GOODIE!!!!

i just got home, and i still have sticky stuff all over my face and in my hair. i was wired with spaghetti literally from the top of my head, down to my ankles. and it took me a minute to fall asleep, but i slept, and of course, when i woke up this morning, i felt like i had just fallen asleep. imma try to post pictures on my blog, but i'm not sure it will work. they both watched me and listened to me while i slept, which was kinda creepy, but turns out, i didn't have a problem. i don't know, yet, how many times i stopped breathing or all of those stats, but i'll find out next time i go to the doc.

ah, shizzle. lemme talk to my friend alicia, and see if she can give me the 'tard's guide to posting pictures, and i'll get them on here.

*mumbles* stupid radiology degree.

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

i don't know...

i feel lost and useless today.

i said i DON'T want no drama

Current mood: exhausted

i'm so about to fall asleep. last night was erica's prom, so i went out there to see her and take pics and all that. let's just say, there was SO much drama that happened between erica and the girl who was supposed to be her best friend, the night ended in me having to take two klonopins and crash on amy's couch. (it is an INCREDIBLY long, somewhat exciting, pissy highschool story, so i won't even get into it right now.) nonetheless, erica and trent had a great time, and that's all i wanted for her.

so, i woke up today and realized that i have my sleep study tonight. one of the requirements of having the study is that i can't take any naps during the day. it's only 140p in the afternoon, and i'm already falling over at the computer. phil's on his way over here to take me to get some coffee, because i'm not gonna make it. i have to get checked in at 830p tonight, then i won't go to sleep until about 11p.


ohhhhhh crap. i'm not gonna make it. *drools*

Currently reading : The Dogs Who Found Me: What I've Learned from Pets Who Were Left Behind
By Ken Foster
Release date: By 01 March, 2006

vacation to _______?

ok. so, here it is. i need some help on figuring out where heather and i get to go on vacation. we've been planning this for about, oh, um, 6 years or something. anyway, she finally broke the other day. she sent me this email, in which i could tell she was feverishly typing.

and i quote:
"Ok.This is what I want to do. YOU have to pick somewhere in Continental US and I will pick the days. We are going to fly there and be us. So think of somewhere we would flippin' LOVE to be or somewhere that would mean something to us. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!...My face is all flushed just typing this out. It could be that I have a day off, but I think it's just wild abandon excitement!!"

so, my new site of the moment is vacationidea.com. i've been perusing the site, looking for fun and exciting things on there. i actually started with a map. just a plain map. of course, it was like, "hey! there's no pictures on this thing!" so, the map was short-lived. although my random closed-eyed flipping did land us in south dakota for our vacation, and LORD ONLY KNOWS where that is. it's obviously south of the north one, and not in alabama. after i established those two facts, i got scared that we'd end up where all those polygamists live, and we'd somehow end up as brides. not only is heather already happily married, but i'm not seeing marriage in my near future...especially not with a bunch of other chicks.

anyway, so i'm thinking. well, i'm always thinking. but i'm super-thinking about this. i've got a lot coming up this year, and i'm really excited! next weekend, i get to chaperone shelby's jr. beta club convention. we're going to huntsville, which isn't a big deal, but this will be the first time i've ever chaperoned anyone over 4, and somewhere other than the zoo. so, i have to act like an adult and stuff. riiiiight. we'll see.

WOOHOO! i'm an adult! and i get to turn 30 this year! this year is going to be awesome! i can feel it in my bones - that's prolly what all that aching has been. i'm just growing into an adult. &=)

ok, ok, i gotta go do some work or something. hell, i don't know WHAT they're calling me for. i've been working for some OT lately, so it's actually been pretty good. i got to work at trinity last week, then i worked at highlands on saturday, and i stayed late last night. it's been kinda nice working over. i still think i'm going to apply at the bookstore, just because i think that would be the funnest job ever.

ok, now they're screaming at me.

*screams back*
I'M COMING! GAWD, CAN'T YOU SEE ME TYPING??!?

*sigh*
ok. more later.

amigurumi...and more!

ok, so here's my new obsession, and if i was NOT on this crappy work computer, i'd post some pictures. *AMIGURUMI* it's the japanese art of knitting or crocheting small stuffed animals. i mean, i couldn't knit a potholder if i had a gun to my head, but then again, i've never tried.

** http://www.nutandbee.com **

this chick, annette, has THE cutest things. there are links to her amigurumi buried in her site, but nut and bee is mostly dedicated to the stuff she draws. anyway, that's where i discovered it.

that's probably something you DON'T know about me, is i ADORE tiny things. anything tiny and vulnerable just breaks my heart into a million and one pieces. i don't know why. tiny animals, tiny babies, tiny toys - tiny THINGS are just TINY! &=)

here's a good site to look at the stuff she's knitted, if you like:

** http://www.flickr.com/photos/annettle/sets/1038936 **

and i'm going to knit a tiny animal army and OVERTHROW THE DARFURIAN GOVERNMENT AND FEED THE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

and just in case you didn't know that, that's my OTHER weakness, is helping people (in case you don't remember that time i took in those homeless "reforming" crackheads, and i couldn't get rid of them, but that caused me to learn something about myself - i can't work with drug addicts). i want to join the peace corps and go somewhere and help where i'm needed so badly, i can hardly sit in my seat. my bug is pretty bad right now, and i need to stop kicking around and just finish my freaking application. i wasn't meant to live here forever. as much as i adore my family (and when i say adore, i mean unhealthily obsess), i can't stay here.

i have no idea what any of these things has to do with the other. i'm just a little EDGY today. i worked last night, so i'm going on about 4 hours sleep. *blah*

oh, and just for posterity, i got a rainbow in the sky on my animal crossing ds game yesterday. i almost couldn't contain my excitement when i saw it, but i was down in surgery and i had to be quiet, because no one understands me anyway.

i'm like a little german performing monkey with a tiny hat and an accordian to these people.

i love being a gamer. i love being into sci-fi. i love computers. i love being a closet nerd. i love the times when i feel smart. i love being able to figure things out. i love being the only one who knows how to do stuff at work. i love the fact that i've read atlas shrugged. i love the fact that i can read, period. i love it that i anthropomorphize everything. i love my best friend. i love my family. i love my pets (my girls!) i love my friends. i love my allie cat. i love babies. i love animals. i love trees. i love nature. i love daffodils and dandelions. i love flowers. i love hair falls. i love that i cry at movies. i love feeling better. i even love it that my heart breaks at the tiniest, most benign things.

# these are just some of the things that i love #

i love being a freak.

today, i love being me.

tomorrow, we'll see. &=D

but the conversation never existed...

"what did he say to you?"

"i can't remember, because i wasn't paying attention...

my brain...it's like there's a foggy cloud, inside my head, surrounding my brain. nobody can see it."

"well, what are you going to do?"

"i...i don't really know. what do you think i should do?"

"there's nothing left TO do, right?"

"i...i guess you're right."

*silence*

"there's nothing left."

scars

so much going on...

yet, i can find nothing to say.

things have been so...obscure and peculiar as of late. this year actually hasn't started out badly. but now it's just wavering through this dimension of ________. and i'm trying to hold myself back from overly-analyzing everything, because that's what i do. it's what i DO.

so, on valentine's day eve, i get a phone call. from my ex. aaron. it was a strange call, and i couldn't tell if he was on something, or if he was just SO freaked out from talking to me, that he couldn't hardly function. it was really weird, i have to admit. my heart was in my throat for a few minutes. i mean, who's wouldn't be? i hadn't talked to him in almost 3 years. he claims he was calling to see if my number still worked. but you know, if he just wanted to talk, i wish he would just say it. after knowing how "I" felt after the conversation, i think i can deal. i'm better.

him? ummm....i can't really openly comment on that. those close to me know how it made me feel. he was...trying to be tough; trying to put on this "lookit me, look how much BETTER and TOUGHER and UN-PUSSYLIKE i am without YOU in my life!" he was cursing every other word. he was prompting me to curse. he was drifting from subject to subject all throughout the conversation.

he was pushing SO HARD...to hurt me.

unfortunately, it still does. but it's that kind of hurt that just makes me sad that i've done people wrong. it made me pity him. i'm no longer living with the fallacy that he'll come back, that we're just on hiatus, that he'll see the error of his ways. that hope is gone.

but i can't help but miss who he was. i can't help but miss what we had. it was beautiful, and there was NEVER any denying it. but after my mom died, you could never deny i was in pain.

after that, my life was a blur of regret.

i'm ok now, though. i'm ok. i have a good job. i'm managing well. me and phil are on and off, but it's both of our choices. i'm struggling to reach nirvana, but it's a battle long-fought. i didn't get here overnight. my life is full of daily struggles and discoveries. it's a good life. it has great people. it could be much, much worse.

but it's not.

he kept pushing and pushing.
in a condescending tone, he says, "to be honest, i thought you'd be dead by now."
i said, "that hurts."
he responded, "oh, but i didn't mean anything by it."

he says, "i was worried about calling you. i was worried about what it would do to you."
i'm thinking, "you were hoping it would kill me? why else would you take that chance, if you're so concerned about my sanity?"

heather said, and everyone has agreed, he's just upset that i'm ok. he was hoping to find me dissolving into a puddle of tears and sorrow, just from the sound of his voice. somehow that enables him to lord over me, to feel powerful, that he was able to destroy this human who caused him to reinvent himself.

he said, "i hate myself. i hate that i'm not a superhero. i hate that i'm not invincible, infallible."

he has been changed. i've been changed. we've all changed. no one is ever the same. he's still beautiful to me, even though i don't know who he thinks he is...who he wants to be...in front of me, in front of his "friends". i'll always love him, no matter what he throws at me. i know who he was, all guards down. i don't need him to tell me, because i knew him before anyone. true, i'm partially at fault for who he's become. but after all was said and done, i did what he asked of me - i left him alone.

so, now what?

nothing. i'm here. i'm always here. i have good days, and i have bad days. but i'll always be here. i'll cry sometimes, and i'll laugh, although much more rarely. but i'm ok. and ok is better than i've been in a very long time. i'll never be completely over my mother's death. i'll never be completely over my divorce. i'll never feel that kind of pain again in my life. i'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

what am i going to do now?

i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever find the right one. not that i haven't met some good ones, some great ones, but not THE one. not yet. i don't know, if ever. i don't know if i'll have kids. like my friend paula said, i think i'm just a late bloomer. it's been a hard life for some of us. i've dragged a lot of people along in my wake. but i'm done for now. i'm not suffering. i'm good. i'm fine. i haven't cried in a long time, and for me, that's a reason to celebrate.

i have a lot of good things coming up, and i'm very excited. and you know what? i'm not dead, so there's still more to come.

i know you thought i'd be dead.

i'm not sorry to disappoint you.

i'm free.

bloring

i know my blog is boring. just full of words.

i'm hoping to spiff it up a little in the future, but it's a rare moment that i get to sit, uninterrupted, in front of my computer. i like some of the blogs that i've seen, where people actually share things they like, sites they visit, etc, and i hope to do the same. right now, my there's a thin line between attention and a nap. i'm doing a little better, healthwise, now, but i'll update on that later.

right now, i just feel like typing. stuff. whatever stuff.

OH! i AM going to have acupuncture done today, so i'm a tad nervous about that. i've had so many injections in my neck, this really shouldn't be a big deal. and i know the doc who's doing it, so i'm pretty sure he won't try to kill me. well...i mean, i hope he won't.

who knows? i might have cut him off in the parking lot, and that's why he's agreed to see me. well, we'll see. the only thing i feel capable of doing now is quoting shrek:

TGIF, eh, buddy?

**SIGH**

a feeling

the silence in the car was deafening. the negative pressure in my head sucked up the quiet, only because it had nowhere else to go. my head was filled with silence. it felt like if i screamed, nothing would happen. no sound. no echo. no response. it would be just a desperate motion for naught. i could even open the door and fall out of the car, onto the passing road, and still feel nothing. the tears poured down my cheeks, gushing out by their own free will, gathering on my chin, under my nose, but still i did nothing. i said nothing.

to delve, briefly...

i'm at work right now, and thankfully, we're having a "dead day." dead days to me mean no c-arm cases downstairs in surgery. i think i rested kinda ok last night, so i'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. either way, i'm glad to have the break. this means i'll be planted in front of the computer for the majority of the day.

enough of that, though - i don't want to talk about work right now. it's getting on my nerves. i'll be 3 in march, and my job is finally getting on my nerves. ok, NOT the job. just the people.

anyway. what's on my mind? aging. and love. both have clashed together in my brain, leaving behind a trail of complete and utter paranoia. with the way i feel, there's NO way in hell i'm ever going to "find someone". which in turn leaves me with never bearing children and having a loving family, something i've always wanted. i think i'd be an ok mommy.

i realize that i'm never going to be "myself" again, and that really sucks. i have a "me" in my brain that i've been constantly striving to reach, since my mom died. it was the good me. it was the active me. it was the fun and funny me. it was the me who didn't want to hide in a dark room all day and never move again. what is that? is it depression? it can't be - i'm already working on that, and i'm fine. i mean, i don't cry all the time anymore, like i used to, after the divorce.

but i still feel a void. i feel personally meaningless. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, and frankly, that's really annoying to me. as lazy as i am, i have a certain amount of inborn proactivity inside me. i think that's one reason i started getting so addicted to change. i'd change jobs, i'd change apartments, i change moods all the time. it has to be some sort of life-altering upheaval in order for me to be content. it's part of what destroyed me and what has remade me. i hate who i am, though, so how do you change?

well, first off, i've gotten really involved in my own health. my physical self isn't well. the pain within my body is something that no one else can see nor detect. so, i'm subjecting myself to new doctors, TONS of labwork, tests, xrays, mri's, drug studies, to see if i can find that one thing that can halt this...this whatever it is. i have a pretty good idea of what i think it is, but i'm not even saying anything until a real, certified DOCTOR tells me so first. my body is in constant grueling pain. i wish i was exaggerating, but i'm not. in fact, i've gotten to the point where i understate how i feel. but that's not important. what is important is that i can get back to zero; i have to start to feel kinda neutral/normal again. once i'm out of the woods on that, then i can focus more on the inner me. right now, my pain interferes with my sleep, which screws with my work, which does NOTHING for my self-esteem, and of course, i'm not dating.

phil and i are seeing each other again, but we've decided to leave it open and unlabelled for now. i don't really feel like talking about that, either. it's kind of...weird. but i'm still open to dating/hanging out, and i'm always keeping my options open. but how can i when my self-esteem is at rock bottom? i mean, who wants to date a chick who's in chronic pain? yeah, me neither.

BLAH. i hate talking about boring, yucky, boring things.

i've been less introspective and haven't been writing as much, so i think that's not so good. i tend to feel better when i ________ . yeah, you could put just about anything in that blank, and it would work. "eat lots of doughnuts." "run maniacally through the hospital with an open sharps container full of dirty needles." but not things like, "club baby seals," or "fish."

i keep telling myself i'm going to go to that ridiculous gym at my complex, but the only person i'm lying to is myself. *sigh* maybe i'll go today. there, now i've lied to everyone who reads this. plus, i spend $15/month for the uab gym, and i've been as many times as i can count on two fingers. shit. i should just go, right? but, who the HELL wants to go work out, after you've been at work all day? i've tried to fool myself into not using the term "WORK out," but instead replacing it with the positive term "exercising!" and guess what? i've still only been two times. because that's exactly what i want to do - my body's already IN pain, so i want to work it out enough to the point that when i wake up the next day, i find i can no longer move. i'm in complete stasis, lactic acid coursing through my muscles. yeah. great. then, i'll have to do the whole brian regan "calling an ambulance for myself" routine.

alright, there's like a ton of stuff i want to post about, but my R wrist is back in it's little splint-thingie. it's hurting again today (naw, really???), and i tried to make it better by working through it yesterday = not a good idea.

so, hopefully more later. or not. hell, with the way things are going, i could be abducted by a vicious pack of beavers, only to later become their queen, and live my life out on the river, constructing damns (Freudian slip) against the will of humans. someone will probably shoot and stuff me, and i'll end up perched in a steak house somewhere around the states, with a permanent snarl on my face, leering over an infant's head, causing her to cry. kinda like that giant bear from hal's hungry bear. i always felt sorry for him. as if his life wasn't hard enough, his afterlife REALLY sucked.

"yeah, i was a bear for a while, foraging in the wild, forced to pit myself against mother nature, fighting other packs of wild animals in order to acquire food and survive. after that, i went on to live at a shoney's, wearing various party hats according to the holidays and promoting such items as the 'double decker hamburger' and the 'sunday afternoon blue plate special.'"

cripes, i have opposable thumbs, and i'm STILL bitching about finding the "right guy."

i'm retarded.

Currently Reading:
Mount Misery
By Samuel Shem, MD
Release date: 01 July, 2003

and

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
By Lewis Carroll
Release date: 12 December, 2000

growing old sucks

i'm up from a nap, just to lay down again. i haven't been on, nor have i been communicating, because i really haven't been well. i DON'T know what's wrong, but it's all through my body, and it's been going on for months.

so, sometimes the pain makes me throw up, and that and my rapidly plunging self-esteem tends to make me a little unsociable. if it's extraneous (talking on the phone) or my life doesn't depend on it (bathing), it's not going to get done.

i have lots of doc's appts and tests coming up, so i'm actually thankful. i have a friend who's a surgeon, and he's really been trying to help me out through this rough time. he's given me samples of different meds to see if they work, but so far, we're coming up dry.

i'm really, really sorry to everyone out there who might, in SOME way, be relying on me. i swear to GOD that this isn't in my head. it's all over my body. and it hurts and i don't like it at all. my entire life has come to a standstill, aside from working, which nearly kills me every single day, but i have no other alternative.

just to let you know, i'm still alive. just not in a functional shape right now.

radiation = psychosis

hi.

i haven't posted in a while.

i'm sorry.

*things haven't been so good, health-wise, with me, but i think i'm finally getting a handle on things (more on that later). other than that, everything else is fine.

*my family is good - i miss them like crazy, though. i haven't been out there in what seems like ages.

*my finances are finally ironing themselves out, thank God, although i'm still chronically poor.

*work is ok, except that i finally have concluded, on this very day, that every person in this building is a crazy, whacked-out f*'r, who doesn't know the difference between a bad day and complete, all-out psychosis which requires treatment and/or tranquilizers - and for once, i'm not referring to myself.

i know now that everyone else here is a nutjob to the infinite degree, and the only reason I'M on meds is because everyone else needs to change their f*'d up attitudes but won't...ever. so, i'm being forced to take meds in order to compensate for THEIR lack of sanity, in order to keep from losing mine. i'm not talking about my same problem child, sheryl, although she is back to her regular shit. i mean the WHOLE lot of them, especially up here in my department.

these people are complete whackadoos - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - they're just flat-out f*'d up.

and you have NO idea how much better i feel now that i can say that. i now owe myself about $1000 for one hell of a session and a vacation because i deserve it.

you know what it is? it's because i have this horrible phobia of radiation, so i'm ALWAYS geared up in my lead, virtually from head to toe. no other person really gives a crap, so they walk all through the room with no protection. it's the radiation. i'm radiating these people into insanity.

this job is so f*'g cool. &=)

we'll talk more later.........i got stuff to do.

i don't feel so well *urp*

mleck.
let me tell you why i feel super-gross today.

i took my meds last night - perfectly fine, but the pharmacist wasn't lying, when he said that hydrocodone syrup dries you out. i lost all salivatory abilities from my mouth down to my stomach, and i was afraid i was going to start coughing up dried crap. so, i was miserable all night, not from gagging up giant, thick, green and somewhat already solidified lugies, as went the past two weeks, but from the lack of moisture in the air...and my body. so, i tossed and turned and had rancid dreams about stupid stuff, so i slept a total of about 3 hours last night. as always, once i finally got comfortable and settled in, it was time to wake up. of course.

so, i woke up, ran around getting ready (i had overslept about 10 min), and as i grabbed my bag and keys off the counter and went for the door, my stomach plummeted. i felt the most nauseating sensation in about 3 seconds flat that i've ever felt...ever. this was totally different than the amoebic dysentery - with that, i felt pain. with this, i felt so sick that i thought vomit was going to shoot out of my ears. i started getting chills and sweating, my ears were ringing, and my mouth started watering. once that happened, i knew i was about to lose it. so i ran in the bathroom, stripped off my jacket and hung over the potty - like this: &=O.

......nothing.......

so, i let about 5 mins go by, the wave passes, i get up, redress and head for the door.

*BAM* it hits again.

this time, i'm on the floor, on my hands and knees, praying that this one would just pass. it didn't pass as quickly, so i sat there, while the girls circled me like vultures closing in on the carcass. i kept shooing them away - "no, mom's not dead yet. leemmelone." finally, i was able to gain enough sense again to make it to the car. i was fine the whole way to work, until i got out of the car.

*BLAM-O* it was bad this time. i pitched over onto the ground and started hocking up as much stuff as i could, to try to psych my brain out of thinking i felt sick. thank god i was running late today, or i would have made quite a scene.

...or did i?

i started walking to the stairwell, when my stomach just said, "to hell with this." i actually FELT my food move back UP through my small intestines, back into my stomach, and up through my chest. i fell over right at the stairwell and emptied my not-so-nearly digested green olive pizza, from last night, on to the ground, in the parking deck, right next to the stairwell.

i made it inside, tears streaming down my face, and managed to choke down some generic sprite shit, that i've been able to keep down for the rest of the day. heather said she thinks it's the levaquin the doc put me on for my bronchitis. i don't think i've ever taken it, and it's really, really strong. omg, i need my momma right now. *blech*

and no, i'm NOT pregnant, but thanks for thinking i'm still desireable.



once it left my mouth, though, i could no longer be held responsible. just watch where you're stepping, ok?

what has two thumbs & likes germs?

current mood: drugged

THIS chickie! that's who!

w00t!

that called for some of that inter-web jargon!

i can do some sick! let me just tell you, about 3 weeks ago, i had the flu, which was fortunately somewhat deterred by my flu shot and my doctor's prompt and hasty diagnosis and prescription of tamiflu.
but now, i have graduated (or been demoted, depending on your pov) to severe acute bronchitis!

i told him i've been sick (post-flu) since dec 27 and that i TRIED to keep from coming in, but i pretty much just took off work and suffered for as long as i possibly could.
his response:

"stop doing that."

yeah, well, you know, you're like, a DOCTOR and stuff, and i figure you want to see real patients. SICK patients.

apparently, he's just as happy seeing me - a constantly afflicted hypochondriac. but, if you're actually SICK, does that still make you a hypochondriac? something to ponder while you're sitting on the potty today.

AARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!

anyway, news item #2....the circus is in town.

*big grey cloud settles over the city*

as much as i'd like to stay on and harp about THAT shit, i just want to remind you all that i'm still a benign, YET SOMEWHAT ACTIVE member of peta. *cue psycho shower music*

so, if you go to the circus, i'll see you there. i'll be the one standing outside with all the "propaganda" as to why you SHOULDN'T be doing what you're doing, in hopes that maybe YOU'LL lay awake that night and stress about something you really have no control over, instead of me, for once. i've already had those dreams that i had again last year, about people throwing meat on me in drive-bys (no, NOT drive-thrus). you know, it's never hard to keep doing what i do for the animals, and it's NEVER hard for me to keep caring. but i'll be damned if it's hard as hell to stay my hand from popping a complete stranger in the windpipe with my fist.

"his windpipe hit me first. i swear."

ok, i have to lay down. my hydrocodone is taking effect, and i'm about to have to take a nap in the hallway. plus, jezzy just got out, so i must corral her before she gets her third wind.

more laters.

who i'm starting out as in 2007

i feel like there's something plaguing me. i can't tell whether it's good or bad, but you know, sometimes this is the only way i can get things out. i feel like there's something on my mind, something i should say, but i can't really pinpoint it.

god, you know apoplectic i can be, but it's just who i am, and i'm not going to change. i'm never going to change. not for anyone, for any reason. i just want to find someone who's concerned about me. in that, i will always return the thought.

but, i know i'm not getting any younger, and i still don't know where my life is going. all i know is that i want to find someone who loves me for exactly who i am, quirkiness, spastic behavior and all. i want to find someone who inspires me and for whom i can do the same. i want someone who is able to develop goals, be them large or small, both aside from me and with me, and is able to reach those goals. i want someone who isn't happy with mediocrity and always wants to strive for better.

i'm just spouting off the things that come to mind, when someone asks, "what do you want?"

when aaron and i were together, i used to think our relationship was harmful, because we were so dependent upon each other. we loved each other so deeply, that being apart would physically hurt. i tried to make it out like it was some kind of hindrance for me and my development (in other words, i couldn't whore myself around like i wanted to, when i finally started "freeing" myself *rolls eyes*). now, i know that's the only way i want to be in love. i want my entire life to revolve around that person, and i want him to want the same. we don't have to BE the same person, but i'd like to want the same things out of life.

thoughts unfinished........

countdown to...

mood: coughing

i've been up for 3 solid hours, gagging my brains out. i don't know what the hell i have, but i'm sick. still. it's screwed up my entire work week, but thankfully, i had a pretty good paycheck come yesterday, so thank the beans for that.

it is currently 5:24a, and i broke down and went to bruno's to buy some NAME-BRAND cough syrup (robitussin, you sold me - but ne'er again!), so that should be doing the job...any minute now...i'm totally sick as a frog and delirious from lack of sleep thereof. jammy's sitting in my lap, staring at me, causing me to wonder, is this how i'll be ringing in the new year?

but, no. i think i'm going to hang out at heather's for the new year. not that it's anything - just another day, and i'll be going to work the very next day. oh well. not much to look forward to. or is there?

hmmm......

2006 - not so bad.

2005 - blew.

2004 - even worse.

ahhh, we won't go backwards, because there's not much good there. but there is good coming. my finances predict such. and so does jammy pie. she says everything will be just fine. i think booboo is in the bed. she also thinks everything will be fine. i have everyone out of my house, cept'n me and my girls, and although i'm still unsure of what to do when my lease is up in july, i have a kind of warm inside feeling that everything will be ok. it's prolly God. or the cough syrup. or a lil of both.

so, what else is going on? not much. just throwing myself into work, but justifiably so. still hoping for the hottie doctor? sure. who isn't? how about friends? they're still there. i'm not rushing anything.

one of my very good friends laura got engaged not too long ago, and while i'm a little irked that i'm still standing here, with my two cats, fair on the way to becoming "crazy cat lady," i revel in her happiness and celebrate her joy. it's LONG overdue.

congratulations, love - you only deserve the best!

hokay. i'm going to dig out some old spongebob and lay down with the girls. surely, the coughing must be about exhausted. if not, my head WILL explode from the pressure...or the neighbors will be in here with lit torches and pitchforks to dispel the maker of the noise.

*HACK* *wheeeeze*

maybe, i should double dose. *snerk*

Currently reading : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy By Douglas Adams Release date: By 30 April, 2002

the one about the phlegm

sorry, guys. i've been really sick during the holiday, so i haven't posted anywhere, nor have i been on the computer. i was able to spend christmas eve with mark, amy & the kids, but even then, amy had the flu, and me and mark were just sick as shit. aside from being able to hang out with my family, my holiday has been shit. i'll never work another fucking holiday as long as i fucking live. this shit is retarded, and they don't even appreciate the fact that you do it.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:

BEING AN ADULT BLOWS.

i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.

blah.