What the hell do you want from me?

Seriously.

If there's something crucial I'm missing, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Otherwise, I think it might be prudent for some of you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) to just cut your losses (trust me - I'm no one worth losing sleep over) and move on.

Being abused is not something I take lightly (okay, not anymore). And, I can tell you, it's happened to me far more in the past ten years than...well, more than anyone should have to put up with. Mental, emotional, physical...if you think you're that important that you feel it necessary to put your hands on someone else, then I encourage you to IMMEDIATELY seek help. I can also assure you that you will NEVER be that important. No matter how much it stokes the fiery embers of your ego or helps you cum, when you're laying in bed, thinking about how you dominated another human being - THAT IS NOT NORMAL. It's also not a good thing. It pretty much means you're a sick human being and really shouldn't be functioning within the realms of an active and productive society.

This has been an important announcement by "if you ever fucking put your God-damn dirty hands on me or someone I care about again, or scream at me like that, laws be damned, I'll kill you myself."

And, if you know of someone who is currently being abused, please send them my way. There is ALWAYS a way out. *I* may not have any rights as a victim in a professional setting, but I'll see to it that no one else ever has to go through something like this.

If you think you have the right to demean or invalidate anyone else, then just remember that you also reserve the right for someone to beat the shit out of you.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

A bipolar bear walks into a bar...

Hahahaha, there's nothing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks, that hasn't made me just totally go "WHAT the eff is going on?" NOTHING.

I was just awoken with the lovely, lotiony sound of my ex jerking off in the bed next to me. Because THAT isn't gross at all. You'd think people could maintain themselves, until they move out, or at the very least, take it in the bathroom. *sigh*

So, I just went in there to check on Jack and saw he has a giant, infected thing on his foot. I wasn't quite ready monetarily to take them to the vet, yet, but I guess we don't have a choice. *double sigh*

I start my new job on Monday, dancing my way into peoples' hearts, at Joe's Crab Shack on 280. I just realized, though, that I completely forgot to tell them about derby practice on Monday nights. I WILL follow through with this derby thing. Or at least, I'd like to. It seems fun and moderately therapeutic, since they frown on you killing the people who actually deserve killing. Guess this is the next best thing.

And, I got a PHONE CALL, from a person who's looking to bury the past (what he means is all the drama and bullshit he put me through), because he just got engaged (to the psycho who STARTED all the drama), and they want to be friends (eat me) and he's got this guy that he wants to introduce me to, so we can all double date (?). Okay, that last part just kills me. I'm not even going to go into the shit-storm that came from this, because it's not even that interesting. It's just annoying. And, I don't even know why this ass-hat still has my number.

IF YOU STILL HAVE MY NUMBER, AND WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER, OR WE HAVE COME TO A PARTING OF THE WAYS, PLEASE DELETE MY NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE AND MY EXISTENCE FROM YOUR MEMORY.

Let's just keep it simple. I'm done with bullshit. Yours, mine, everyones. Two weeks ago, I was physically attacked, assaulted and pinned down at work, BY MY BOSS, and had we been alone, I have no doubt in my mind he would have attempted to rape me. Not that I'm all that, but he's just THAT SICK. Plus, I've been this guy's personal fucking spin doctor, for his disgusting, corrupt company for the past few months. Now, I carry around a baseball bat, knife, whatever I can wield as a weapon, because I've just had it. I guess you could say I'm just totally over everything. I have my family (the members who accept me as I am) and my group of friends (ditto), with whom I'm comfortable. I'm getting a new job. I'm PAST moving on and have already MOVED ON. I've been so abused in the past couple of years, it's pretty ridiculous. And, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I don't give a SHIT what you think about me. Not a bit. NOT ONE. I've made my peace with everyone who deserved an apology or peace-making. And, I'm totally over the rest of it.

Strangely enough, I've put myself back on the internet dating circuit (circus?). This is my opener:

"Um, I used to internet date a long time ago. I got out of it because I thought I needed to go about the 'normal' way of meeting people, but then I realized it didn't matter - they're ALL weird, no matter where you meet 'em; the neighbors, AA, the zoo, prison..."

It's definitely going to be different this time around. I was disgusted when I got on there and realized what a meat-market it is. But, realistically speaking, I'm never going to start going to church, so I won't be joining any singles groups. It's just not me. I commune with God in my own way. I read scripture, I study lessons, but guess what? I'm judgmental, and I also smoke pot and drink. And, to be honest, I'm tired of hiding who I am from people. I can only be THIS way around THESE people, but around THESE people, I have to be THIS person. I suck at meeting new people. I'm the weirdo that stands in the corner, studying peoples' interactions. I tried to make eyes at this guy at the bar the other night, and it was like watching a plane fly into a crowd of people. *facepalm*

I'M DONE.

If you don't like me, then PLEASE don't bug my shit about it. PLEASE don't grace me with your presence, because SOMEHOW, I'LL BE OKAY WITHOUT YOU. Don't let me get my evil or drama on you, IN ANY WAY. I've never wanted to be a burden to ANYONE. And, I'm an adult now, so I feel as though I'm pretty good at making decisions for myself. I mean, I've kept myself (and three pets) alive for this long. My friends and (most of) my family love me. I make people laugh, and I LIVE to help people...so how badly can I really be doing????

I'm not looking for anything right now, just a way to support myself. I'm moving on from the last job (not without severe repercussions, though, of which I probably shouldn't discuss just yet...sorry. Our legal system is bullshit. How little rights a victim has, I never realized, until I actually stood up for myself, ONCE, and claimed "hey, I'm a victim." Shit. Don't get me started...). I'm happier with myself (okay, except physically) than I've been in a long time. And, the last thing I need is some fucker from my past popping up and trying to start shit. GO FUCKING BUG SOMEONE ELSE. SOMEONE in this world needs your drama, but it ain't me, I can assure you. Jesus H, I've got enough drama of my own.

Not all of it is bad drama, though. It just seems to be regular mishaps, one right after the other. Emily and I got stuck on 280, in rush-hour traffic, with a flat tire and no one would help us (except for Pete! Thank you, Pete!). Cory and I can't do ANYTHING without always ending up in some compromising situation, with angry lesbians or bad karaoke or something that requires a lot of fucking WORK. I don't get to see my Heather anymore, because she's so busy with her kids, and I MISS HER!!!!! &=( Mark and I broke up, and for once, I'm totally kosher with a break-up. We're still going to be friends, and no one is running from a burning building, screaming and crying. I can't believe I've actually maintained a friendship out of this one. Way to not fuck it up, Jen! *high fives for everyone*

We have, since, established ZKC, though, and that's been a lot of fun. Tabatha is an honorary member, even though she's living in Egypt or New Mexico or somewhere equally as far. We have our get-togethers, and they're awesome. Me, Cory, Kerry, Kristin, Heather, Mark, Joseph, AJ...Emily and Laura have since been inducted, and I'm hoping Layne will be our newest member. It's just time to get together and not have to fucking pretend. We sit around and laugh and smoke and drink (or not), sometimes we eat, sometimes we play some retarded board game, listen to music, talk about our problems, make each other laugh, we'll go to parties together and come away with some pretty harrowing tales of kicking bitches in the crotch, forgetting keys at the scene of a crime, getting roofied at the Blue Monkey and throwing up in the bathroom, getting blamed for breaking hookahs, people pissing in the middle of the road (no, not me)...and those are just highlights. We're usually fairly low-key, and it's nice. It may seem like drama (I never know what peoples' various definitions of drama are), but we're always laughing and having fun. I've never come away from hanging out with these mother-fuckers and been like, "shit, I need to get better friends." There are times, though, when we'll all go somewhere, then we leave, thinking, "shit, we need to find better friends."

Anyway, these guys are my main support, aside from my family, and I love them, dearly. They MAKE my life not shitty. I try very hard to return the favor.

There are a lot of changes happening in my life. I have no idea where I'm going, and for once, I don't care that I have no control over whatever happens. I've been such a control-freak over the past few years, and I just can't handle it anymore. I know that I'm going to be around until God feels it necessary to erase my mark. Until then, I'm going to do what I have to, to survive and not get my weirdness on other people. I'm still HOPING for the perfect relationship (eventually). I'd still like to have kids (or kid). I'm still hung up on things and people I shouldn't be. But, I'm a fucking realist. There are things in your life that affect you, for better or for worse, and all you can do is attempt to compartmentalize that "issue" until you're alone and you can deal with it. Sometimes that shit just DOESN'T GO AWAY. I still have horrid bouts of sorrow and regret, and, unfortunately, sometimes my friends are around for those episodes. They're so kind and loving, and sometimes all they can do is walk me through the fire. I prefer to have those moments to myself, though. Because my life is different now. I don't know a lot of the same people (thank God), and it's too hard to try to recount the various tales that make up my life, to all these new people. So, I bathe in my sorrow, wash myself clean with my tears, say some prayers, pull myself back together and move on. I'll never deny the things that have happened in my life. I just can't let them rule me. There are so many horrible things I've done, that I can never take back. I just have to pray that it's all leading me somewhere...somewhere GOOD, hopefully. But who knows?

If my suffering and desperation can help others, in whatever way that could ever be, THAT would be awesome. I'm more open with Amy's girls than I am with a lot of people. I don't mind telling them about the things I've been through, and though I always tell them that I know they're going to have to make their own mistakes, if they can learn from any of mine, it's pro-bono, and I'll offer myself up for the slaughter anytime.

I love to be able to alleviate the suffering of others. Trust me - if someone could try out for Jesus Part 2, I'm down. I hate to see people suffer. And, it's totally sucked that I've been the cause of others' sufferings. But, not anymore. I'll never put someone out again, just because of me being me. I no longer rely ON people. I prefer that they choose to have me around. And, if something happens because of it, just remember that really long waiver, with all that really tiny writing that you signed, when you asked to be my friend. Remember? At the top, it had the two check boxes - "Do you want to be friends? Yes or No. Choose wisely."

Being friends with me comes with peril. But, 95% of the time, it's kinda fun peril. Fighting for free wifi at Starbucks; spilling coffee in sleeves; picking strawberries at a Harvest Farm in the middle of nowhere, only to find out that you were SUPPOSED to meet these people; getting stoned in a parking lot after work; having a flat tire on 280 in the middle of rush hour; kicking this bitch in the crotch for talking shit about my friends (oh, she deserved it - trust me); going to derby matches; toilet pipes; sitting around outside, listening to crazy music, eating vegetarian calzones, while the kids yell for you to watch them swing and climb trees; sharing my hair falls with my best friend's daughter; holding my cousin's new baby; hugging my grandmother; getting hugs and kisses from my aunt's kids; working a booth at Do Dah Day, with Jack tied around my waist, only to have him see another puppy he wants to play with, and yank me to the ground, chair and all; four people crammed in my bed, falling asleep to the newest season of Venture Brothers; Mimosa Fridays; getting escorted out of the hospital, by a cop on a Segway; volunteering for Brewfest; joining a friend's organization, because what's important to him, is important to me; attending my first baseball game (and liking it - GASP!) with an old friend; and of course, trying to leave work, after being fired by a psycho, and having him take me down like a linebacker.

That's kind of a summary of the last couple of months of my life, and to be perfectly honest, it's been rather awesome (except the bipolar, schizophrenic, skeezy, hog-tie porn-addicted boss with the Jesus-complex part - THAT, I could have done without). I'm very happy. I wish I had an S.O. to share it with, but I assume that will come in time...or not. And, if it doesn't, I'll just keep being gloriously lonely and living alone. I don't know that anyone out there fits me....or if I fit anyone out there. And, if I'm destined to be alone, then I am. I'll NEVER force someone to do something they don't want to do. I'll never again attempt to change someone who doesn't desire change. I'm just me. And, I'm okay with me. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I'd kinda like to keep it.

I am a bit nervous, though, because I have had offers to move. My aunt Sabrina really wants me to come up to Seattle, and I talked to my aunt Amy and my grandmother, and they're of the same mind - if that's something that's going to give me a fresh start and help me grow, then I should do it. I just hate that everyone I love can't come with me. Plus, I'm not big on doing things alone. I'm not really super at making friends (Cory was my one exception, for whatever reason). I don't have the necessary social skills or proper level of self-esteem to just walk into a room with a commanding presence. Uh, no, thanks. So, we'll see what comes from that. I may just wake up one day and say to hell with it all and pack up and leave. I'm getting a little bit better at letting go of "stuff" and "things." I have this sticker, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, that says, "Let go. Attachment is suffering." And, I'm trying to let go. Of so much. But life is hard. It's never been NOT hard. It just helps to have people who actually give a shit. We're so busy and everything's so crazy these days, that it's hard to care about anything but yourself. But, you have to make time.

*groan*

I've been meaning to post. And, this is why I should post more frequently. I have so much on my mind, AT ALL TIMES, and sometimes I need it to come out. This is what helps. This is my therapy - okay, well, that and weed. They're both cheap as free. But, Dave finally got my laptop up and running again, so I have to be careful of overuse. My other computer is kinda on the fritz, so I have to work on it. Aaaand, I'm leeching off someone's internet connection, which I can only do, when the wind is blowing in the right direction.

I'm making it. And, I'm okay. Except for my extreme dissatisfaction in my personal physique, I'm good. I'm, dare I say, happy? Yeah, I'm happy. &=) And, I have no intent to change for anyone or anything. I'm not oppressed by my job as an x-ray tech anymore. I choose to surround myself with good, honest, forthright people. And, all of this has changed me for the better. Don't mistake me - it's been a hell of a fight to get here. But, I am exactly who I want to be (maybe 20 lbs heavier). There will always be times in my life that I wish I could redo. But, for right now, I'm happy. And, I'm happy to BE happy.

And, now, I'm revelling in the fact that I get to go back to bed for a few hours. Later, I'll wake up, take the Mack to the vet, go volunteer for Brewfest, touch base with everyone for the evening, maybe play some Escape from Monkey Island or watch some Venture Brothers, go to sleep (my fav), then wake up Sunday and see what things I can get accomplished. And, if I get nothing done, then I get nothing done.

I'm happy.

And, if you're one of 'em (you know if you are, or if you really shouldn't be here), thanks for being my friend and contributing to my happy. If I didn't have you (and you all know who you are, and how freaking special you are to me!), I have no idea where I'd be in my life. So, thank you. Thanks for being my friend. Things have been really crazy, but I'm thankful to have you all in my life. You each have a portion of my heart, that will always be yours.

I has a lot of happy. &=)

JOB - the abridged version

This is a perfect, brief explanation of what's going on. I should probably just keep blogger open, so that I can keep adding to it. Because there's no end to THIS life:

Yeah, although I'm probably just going to be blindly floating through the whole thing. I'm not all here right now. I just spent the last few minutes, squalling my face off in the apartment office, regaling my harrowing tale of "JOB." And, all the fuck I want to do is have a job and WORK THERE and make money and pay bills and not have my life fall into some shit-filled vortex, causing all this despondency to kick up and make me wonder what the fuck I'm even doing on this earth, except for life to regularly dick me over. Sorry - I'm having a really bad day right now, and I can't even find my freaking printer cable, so I can print the papers to apply for food stamps. Right now, I REALLY hate my life. And the more I move, the more money I spend, and I can't understand why that is...

Burrr...your posts are too long and leave me cold and feelingless.

I'm a HORRIBLE liar.

More to follow this.

Well, eventually...

I gotta start hanging out more here...

...and less on Facebook.

I always have all this stuff that I want to write, but I end up forgetting it, when I get here.

And, I really wish I've been documenting everything we've been going through at the warehouse. It's pretty ridiculous. The last two days haven't been so bad, since he hasn't been hanging around. But, every time he COMES around, it just gets out of hand. He treats us like complete and total retards. You can be ON THE PHONE with a customer, answering a question, and he comes in and starts talking over you, telling you how what you're saying is wrong and how to answer the question (even though he doesn't even know what the question is), and it's totally maddening. And, you can't even EXPLAIN it to someone, unless they freaking work there. When people ask me about work, and I just get this horrified look on my face, and they want to know why, I just can't tell them.

Ugh, enough about work. I'm just stopping by, to make myself uphold my promise to write more. Um, I'm just not gonna do it now. I got cookies in the fridge that are calling to be baked. I bathed Jack earlier, cleaned out his crate and managed to get my Dyson taken apart and cleaned. I swear, there's something so fun to me about vacuum cleaners. I think I need to get my head checked. I don't actually like to USE it, but I do enjoy disassembling and reassembling it. Oh well. At least it's something at which I can be proficient when they put me away..."all she does is take the vacuum cleaner apart and put it back together. She's REALLY certifiable."

No more going on with TCR. Right now, I'm just doing Monday practices, which is fine. I want to bump it up, but as long as I'm still feeling rotten, I'm not going to overly FORCE myself to do anything. I don't know why I'm taking in all caps. I do that a lot. Well, I type exactly how I speak, so those are my points of emphasis. Way to point that out, Einstein. *rolls eyes* But, my neck and left shoulder are so screwed up, it's all I can do to make it through a day. It's really becoming a terrible, almost unbearable problem. The spasms don't stop anymore, and laying down doesn't help. God, I wish I had some freaking money or insurance or both.

Hey, if you win the lotto, you wanna throw a girl a bone and help me out? That would be awesome. I need about $3k to get completely out of debt. And, I don't mind doing things for myself - never have. It's just that I feel like I'm digging in a hole that someone is standing over, throwing the dirt back in. I don't know that I'm ever going to get anywhere. It's horrible when you go to Best Buy and make a DVD purchase, then spend weeks with buyers' remorse. It really sucks. I've turned into a mega-Scrooge. And, what do I have to show for my no money? Well, a boss that I hate, for one, and nothing else, for two.

Yay. This life is AWESOME. &=\

Blah, blah, blah - you know I can go on...AND I DO. (There - more emphasis.) But, me and Jack have Do Dah Day tomorrow, and I've been looking forward to this, since I adopted him last year. We couldn't go last year, because he was in training. This year, he's not in training (since I'm broke), and he's still going to be a complete psycho. Oh well. I know he's going to have a really good time, and that's important to me. Plus, I think Amy and the kids are going to bring Ray, so that will be fun. I promised Joseph I'd help him a little with the GA table, but I'm not going to kill myself. When we turn this into OUR company, I'll be a lot more willing to help out. Until then, I'm not turning myself inside out to do ANYTHING for that asshole (the boss, not Joseph).

Sleep well, my dearest friends. Hope to be with you again, soon.

Unsuccessful?

It's been absolute madness around the office as of late. Ever since we turned in our "shit list," he's taken everything that we've complained about and made it at least 10 times worse. Vickie walked out today and quit, but not before calling him "a psycho and a sexual harasser," but I can assure you, he deserved it. She's pretty uptight, herself, but we all know he's crazy. In fact, I wouldn't even wager a guess on the number of people who know he's crazy, because I'm sure I would guess WAY under.

Just burning bridges all along the way.

We've dubbed Joseph as Mr. Christian, from Mutiny on the Bounty. And, am I ever ready. I've never wanted to see someone suffer so badly...well, not at least since I worked at Children's. It frustrates the hell out of me that he can take something so fucking great and turn it into something so tremendously awful. If Joseph can just find us the funding, we have all the people we have to run a stable and completely morally upstanding company. I'm really excited, if we can make it work. If not, I have other options. I'm going to try to hang around as long as I possibly can, but for me to only have been there for a month or so, and I've already acquired a bleeding ulcer, it ain't lookin' so hot.

&=\

He doesn't deserve to win, though. He deserves NOTHING, except the same horrific suffering he's put us all through. He's a fucking ridiculous human being. I've definitely never met anyone like him and never hope to again. He begs us to tell us what things are wrong within the company, but when we do, it's always either the backlash or his sudden psychotic mood change that's nearly unbearable.

I could go on and on and on about this asshole. There's NOTHING good about him, except that he's old enough to almost be dead. Jesus Christ, I hate saying that about someone, but he's a terrible person.

As for socially, I've had to tone it down some. Not partying as much, mainly because I can't afford it, but also because I can't handle it mentally. I'm a homebody. I love partying with my ZKC, but work's really stressed me out to the point that I can't enjoy anything else. And, money has me stressed beyond belief. It gets really fucking old. I wish someone would pay my bills up to this minute and just let me start the fuck over. OF COURSE, I leave tonight, to run to the gas station, to get a cup of gas station ice (I was craving it), and I get pulled over for rolling through a stop sign - most expensive ice I've ever bought. &=\ I really hate cops.

So, yes. Smoking and drinking was my life for the last couple of months. I've toned it down, and since I got tapped for roller derby, I've been trying to eat better and do better. It's hard, though. I miss my sugar, that's for sure.

And, love-wise...well, that's another post. &=P

Anyway, I'm wide-fucking-awake and watching Futurama with Mark. I just want to SLEEEEEEP...and I want my shoulder and neck to stop hurting. Other than that, I'm stressed at hell, but still loving my job and the people I work with. I just hate my boss.

*groan*

At this point, I can only keep pushing. I keep having that thing where I'm not sure I'm making the right decisions for my life. Yes, I went for love over money, but it's not working out, AND I'm barely making ends meet.

I also can't find anyone with whom I'm happy, but I really think that's just because I haven't found the right person. I've had it twice, and I threw it away both times. Other than that, I just kinda want to be by myself. I want to be okay with me. I just want to hang out with my friends when I want to. And, I want to get my freaking apartment cleaned up. And, my bills paid. Yeah, I have a lot of demands. I don't know that I'll ever be happy. It's always very fleeting.

What am I doing? I don't know. I've definitely lost my penchant for writing. This whole thing sounds totally stupid. I'm becoming stupid. I need to get back into better habits, but I don't know how. Anyone know any successful hypnotists? I'm ready to send my life into a moderately happy direction. Success, I've come to the realization, is based on individual belief. I don't think I'm quite there, yet. I guess that's why my most prominent chakra is my sacral chakra. I'm so far away from the crown, it's ridiculous. &=P

Okay, just chatting. Dave fixed my computer, so I have it back...temporarily. It keeps overheating, but at least I have a computer. I can't pay my internet bill (or any of my other bills), so I can only get on internet, when I can pick up a stray connection. Success for me would definitely be me paying my fucking bills - that would totally help.

Time for bed...or ice cream...or serenity. We'll see which one motivates me the most.

God, this is sucky. I really should be doing something...........

Let me out here, please

Haven't posted in a while. Nothing new.

New stress, though. New job. New guy. New friendships. New things here and there.

Computer's dead, so I have to get a new one. That's not (EVER) going to happen on my salary, though.

Not really sure what I'm doing with my life, at this point. I'm not even sure of what I WANT to do. I was ready to throw myself into this new job - liking it, even.

After today, it's just another fucking job, with another fucking asshole of a boss. How anyone can be that totally blind and oblivious to how you treat others and make them feel escapes me entirely. ENTIRELY. On no level do I connect with this guy. He thinks we do, but he thinks that about everyone. Actually, he WANTS to think that. He WANTS people to like him and trust him...but they don't. There's a reason we've had a turnover of almost 25 people in less than five months. And, he's it.


I'd like to be entirely retroactive and tell you everything that's been going on, but I have a feeling that will come in time. Right now, I'm drinking too much, smoking too much, abusing myself too much, stressing too much, and it doesn't look like there's ANYTHING good on the horizon. At one point, everything was GREAT. Now, it's back to shit.

I'm sorry - I just can't believe we, the employees, are actually fighting King Asshole, the creator, to push this business to work. It's like he's intentionally sabotaging himself. But, he wants it this way. All he cares about is being A MAN, being misogynistic and being a God-damn control freak. I thought my last boss was bad, but he actually had rules in which he had to contain his misogyny. This time, it IS this guy's business, so he has lots of pull this time around.

We have one more "ace in the hole," and if this doesn't work, I'm out of there.
FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

Have to run. I'll update more soon, if not this evening.

Miss you guys. &=(

They have a card for everything.

Lola.

I saw this on my AnnaB's Tumbler, and I totally stole it. (I love you, my AnnaB!)

You all know how MUCH I hate some drunk bitches. I say it EVERY TIME there's a drunk bitch within a 50-mile radius: "I hate drunk bitches."

Well, now there's a card:

I should probably just print a bunch of these out and start handing them out like business cards.

Not to say that I won't get a few myself. But, I just can't stand a person who doesn't have a drunk-wrangler. I ALWAYS have one.

It's the person (or persons) who wipes you off when you've fallen in an ant bed (Heather) or holds on to your purple panties as you're barfing out the car window, while riding down the interstate (Kristin).

I've had a LOT of not-so-proud moments, and sometimes I don't always FEEL like acting like an adult. But, those really horrific days are so far behind me...and for once, I'm okay with being a grown-up.

Please, people. Control your drunk bitches.

To the one who has my heart:

I miss you, and I love you.

I really want to tell you that.

I just wish you believed me.

I forgot how to stop loving...

Love, love, love, love him.

Don't know how long it's going to take me to work myself free from THIS shadow.

It really is a pain, when things don't work out between you and someone else, but your heart just refuses to accept the message. With Aaron, my heart stayed in denial for years. How long is it going to be this time?

If he just wants to see how far I'll go to prove myself, I'm all over that. But, you can usually tell when that's no longer cute and just becomes annoying. I wish it was the former, but I'm sure it's the latter, which is why I'm afraid to even try.

I understand that people just stop feeling things for other people sometimes. I don't know WHY it happens, but I know it's happened to me.

My problem is, I love this mother-fucker SO MUCH, that I feel like I'm frozen in my tracks. It's like everything can fall down all around me, but I can't afford to put my attention on anyone but him. I think I'm not even able to converse normally with others, because he's always at the forefront of my mind. At least *I* don't feel as though I'm acting socially normal. I feel like I'm constantly dwelling in a haze of him - which, no matter how it sounds, it's actually quite pleasant. It's been nice to reminisce back on times when things were good. I don't think they were ever properly healthy, but I do remember them being good.

And, he's worried because he said we DID try. Well, HE tried anyway. I was just kind of along for the ride, at the time. And, for whatever reason, I felt like he was a hindrance in my walk with God...and that was never the case (see lyrics to "She Left Me for Jesus" by Hayes Carll). I hate that I even felt like that was an acceptable reason to bail on him. I was afraid of the same shit that I'm always afraid of - I'm afraid of being the one who gets left. And, I have to get over that.

That's going to be HUGE for me, to finally clear that hurdle.

I'm okay, right now, being alone. I'm just bored, and I'm straight with being bored. I have people with whom I can safely hang out, not just a bunch of chodes who are going to try to take advantage of me. I like that. I'm okay where I am.

I'd just like to have him back in my life. Because I remember what it was like to be happy with him. Yes, when I was going through the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty about the happiness I was experiencing, like I was still cheating on Aaron. But, I'm finally OVER that! I can have my own happiness and make my own memories, without thoughts of him always interrupting everything! Do you know how excited that makes me??????? Ha! No, you don't, and that's okay.

Heather always thought it was funny that I'm a self-proclaimed romantic, since she's never seen it. I LOVE that kind of goofy stuff - leaving love notes, acting corny (and moderately nauseating), etc. One of my favorite things in the universe is being in love. I'm just finally able to do it guilt-free! &=D I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I swear it's not. Trust me - if anyone in this free world is trying to get down to the root of my various problems, I can assure you I'm leading the expedition. Things have really calmed down for me, and although I'm not my biggest fan of the new and improved "calmer" version of me, at least I'm able to see things in a different light. I actually feel wiser, which is totally frightening, since I still picture myself as that retarded kid they're handing a diploma to and kicking out of high school, saying "welcome to the rest of your life! Now, LIVE!" Haha, that's STILL one of the scariest moments of my life. If my mom wouldn't have been there at that moment, I don't know what would have happened to me. (Thanks, Mom. You totally kept me from passing out that day, on more than one occasion.)

Ahhhh, I know. I talk things to death - things that won't change. But, it helps me understand...well, sometimes. And, it helps me work through things - always has.

I love him. And, I'm stuck. I wouldn't mind being stuck so much, if I knew there was something to it. But, if this is just another fruitless endeavor, to prove something to someone who cares nothing for me, then I'm ready to move on. And, it will be another X-amount of years before I'm over this one.

I wish he and I would have met when we were young. There was a point when we were growing together, and I miss that. I miss being "young" with him. I miss him.

I wish he missed me, too.

Undone

I have these words that want to come out. All these words......

I feel like I have a giant mental brick wall, holding something back...like a dam...maybe all the words I want to say.

Right now, I can stare someone right in the face and have no thoughts and no emotions running through my head. You could probably look in my eyes and see clear through to the back of my skull.

In my head, it's all deafening sound, but it's completely quiet. My shapes and colors and trains of emotions and raw feelings and heaving chest ready to burst with tears are silent, absent.

This is not a state to which I am accustomed.

Oh.

I know what it is.

I've figured it out.

There are things I need to say to him, things I want to tell him, things I want to experience with him...

but I'm too scared.

I'm terrified to let myself think any farther than this moment, because if I do, I'm just going to end up being let down and getting hurt. I don't want to trick myself into making there be something there, if there isn't. All this faux-thought is how I get through. Pretending helps me make it through the day. But, it's completely unrealistic. Especially, when you're only HOPING someone feels the same way you do.

I could understand if he was nervous...you know, about getting back into the same THING we had before. It's hard to move past the primary point of innocence, when you first meet and you're still so unspoiled in your beloved's eyes. Our relationship wasn't initially based on friendship, but he came to be one of the people I trust most in this world. I know he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. But, you don't always equate "intention" with "translation."

He called me. Which is why I'm writing again. He never calls me. It's always in texts. I'm fine with texts, but it's just incredibly distant and impersonal. It's what you do when you're too embarrassed to talk to someone or you just want to tell them one thing.

He never calls me. Why now?

Should I ask?

Well, it's my situation, so I guess I can kinda do whatever the hell I want. (sweet.)

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach. I have daydreams of the way things would be, and I allow myself to get caught up in them, but only momentarily. Usually, I shake myself back into reality. I even dream of how things were, how happy I was. And, I was happy. The divorce was just hard on me. It really was. I felt like losing Mom and Aaron was causing me to lose my identity. I missed who I was. Sometimes I still do.

But, I'm different now. Things are different. SO much different. And, I'm different...but I'm better. I don't know that I'll ever be "over" depression, but I know that I'm over some drama in my life. I'm over pretending. I'm over trying to control things. I'm over trying to change people. I can do what I want to do, but in the end, things will always turn out how they were supposed to.

I wish I could just sit face-to-face to him and say things, all the things I need to say....and, know he's hearing me. One time, he wrote that something about me owns him. As sick as it sounds, what I wouldn't give for that to still be true. Seems things have changed. He's now the owner, and I'm the poor, pitiful puppy, who wants nothing more than to be loved, whole-heartedly.

Yes, I'm still trying to escape this, although I like to reach out and grab for the tender edge of that dream when I have a free hand and tug on it, when he's paying me attention. It's another reason I've decided to start getting out more and doing more things, meeting more people. Healing isn't a rapid process - ever. The circus protest this year was awesome, and I met a lot of great people. I just want friends. I just need friends.

What am I saying? I don't know what I need. I need a valium, is what I need. I need to stop obsessing over this (nice, that's only the second time I've used that term tonight = not good).

I know you don't read this, but I have so much I want to say to you. I don't know what it is, yet, but it's there. You know how I feel...I, once, left it on a slip of paper, on your computer desk. I'm sorry that I love you so much, but I do. I wish I could put all these weird, awkward, frightening, "OBSESSIVE," overpowering emotions aside and just be your friend, with no strings attached. But, I just don't think I can do that. I don't think that it's within my power to make that happen. I'VE TRIED to just not have feelings for you. I really, honestly have. But, I always come back to you. And, I don't mean in a way that deems you "my safety." I mean that you make me fucking happy. You make me happy and warm and fuzzy, and you make me have those damned hearts all over my head. I wish I could just sit and talk to you for hours on end. I want to fall asleep talking, about nothing and everything. I want to live the life we had, but without you having to live in that horrible shadow I was dragging around with me. I'm finally free of that. And, I want you to know I'm free. I FEEL free. I will always mourn for things and people I lost, the life I loved, but there's no point in living in the past. I'm ready to make beautiful new memories, with the man I love now. I'm ready to live a fucking real life again. I'm just no fucking good without you. You MAKE me a better person, just by being who you are...and I love you for exactly that. I'm so proud of who you are, and although we'll never agree on completely everything, you're the most wonderful human being I've ever met.

Just to show it's not all flowers and fairy dust, if you ever start dating someone who's not me, I will hate you, albeit momentarily (her, forever), and if you get married, no, I will NOT come to your wedding. Ever. So, don't pretend we're that great of friends, because we're not. I love you, but I love you with me. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

HA! Sorry. I just had to get that out. We had that whole weirdo "recent-ex comes to the door for four hundred hours, all upset and crying, while super-ex is hanging out inside, no this isn't awkward at all, so he comes back in and I'm on the floor, on all fours, having a fucking panic attack and screeching 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I CAN'T SEE YOU WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!!' " scene, and it went swimmingly (she says drolly, eyes rolling back). Actually, it went exactly like that, and it was horrific. I contemplated climbing out the window, but I was actually a little worried of how that would be taken. And, I was weathering it out, if there was any possible chance of us salvaging anything. Climbing out the window would have just been...well, something *I* totally would have done. Plus, I think that requires a bit of grace (which I do not possess), and I might have fallen and hurt myself, so that would have sucked to have limped around to him and the then-crying ex and explain what happened.

God, the rest of the evening was terrible enough. Not because of him, because he's always been good to me and calm with me and collected and thoughtful and kind. But, just because I couldn't get the image of them hugging out of my mind.

YES, I LOOKED THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE - DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE...rotten stone-throwers.

*URP*

So, I guess the visual just made me nauseated to the point that in my mind's eye, they were making out on the front stoop, talking about getting back together, what to name their kids and what to do with that weirdo who was sitting inside, while I sat inside by myself watching fucking tv. Fuck THAT altogether.

&=)

Let's just say, if I'm ever forced to jump around in time ("hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home!"), that won't be a day I'll be revisiting. Well, that and that horrible NON-kiss, but we won't talk about that. *shudder* Ohhhh, the days of my life to redo could fill the Bible, no lie. But, you know, if it all ends up leading to something good (no, I won't put the responsibility of that on his shoulders), then hell - it'll be worth it.

Bring on some good days. I'm hella-tired from fighting this current. I'm ready to just lay down and let it take me out to sea. I'll never lay down and claim defeat - although I've been ready to, many, many times in the past. But, I want to just coast for a while, see what's out there...see if there's anything (anyone?) waiting on me.

Peeyew - God, I smell fart all of a sudden, which is weird, 'cause I'm the only one in here, and I didn't do it. &=( Well, that's a pretty good segues to end this post, right? The smell of fart, and the fact that I'm super-hungry for cereal. I'll be glad when I have some moneys, so I can get that name brand cereal I've been dreaming about! &=D

Yeah, I'm sleepy. It's been a rough day. But, I'm gloriously tired and somewhat content right now. Just missing...him.

C'est la vie - here's hoping........

Can't you hear what I'm NOT saying?

*groan*

*GROAN*

He doesn't REMOTELY feel the same way I do.

How am I supposed to get over this? How the HELL do you STOP being in love with someone?

This "friend" bullshit is going to kill me - I swear it.

I could go right back into a life with him, but I know he just doesn't see it that way. He doesn't FEEL that way about me. So, why are we still putting on this friend charade? WHY, DAMMIT???? He KNOWS how I feel! Is it just to keep me hanging? &=(

I'm no good at things left unsaid. That's totally not me. I'm all about laying all my fucking cards out on the table, then going from there.

I just can't understand why he so badly wants to be friends. It would be different if we were building towards something...but I just don't think that's it. I'm deathly afraid of being used - but I will let it happen. I don't guess that conveys much love - maybe more along the lines of obsession.

Okay, well shit. That's totally creepy.

Fuck. I'm just going to stand here and get used, until I'm all used up. I'm not breaking another mother-fucker's heart. Fuck that. I'm not into the fuck-buddy thing. Maybe once upon a time. But, it hurts me.

And, this is going to hurt me.

But, I'll do it.

Because, I'm desperately in love with him, and I have no other way to tell him.

Aishiteru.

...I miss you...