pain & humiliation builds character

my horoscope for the day:

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Some unresolved relationship issues are frustrating, but they're also educational.

imma go ahead and be frank with you for this moment - there are times that education can suck my big toe.

i was born sorry

...why do i always have to have "do-overs" of parts of my life? it's because i'm a fucking idiot. fuck. i fucking hate myself. i hate myself for the stupid shit i do - especially to other people. god, i try to be such an angel and make myself out to be some altruistic do-gooder, when i'm not! i'm just another piece-of-shit asshole, taking up space in the world...

a brief explanation of the unexplicable

non-cutters will never understand cutters.

normal people will never understand those with depression.

people who have never been depressed...you'll never know until you've been in your own dark, abyssmal hole - alone. you don't KNOW what other peoples' holes are like. you don't know what lives in that hole with them. no one experiences the SAME emotions in that hole. everyone feels differently. they always will.

psychs can only classify it as "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason." basically, it's saying you're sad for no reason. thanks, science.

but there is a reason. there is ALWAYS a reason. sometimes the sadness just moves past the reason, and beyond the dark veil. it's so hard to find your way back. and sometimes you stay lost for so long, you just don't see the point in trying to find your way back. it's like life will always be this way.

it's so hard to explain. the mental and physical work it takes to find your way out is exhausting. but you can't appreciate it until you've been there.

depression

it's a disease. in my book, it ranks right up there with cancer. i hate them both with a passion i can't describe. cancer took my mom, and depression took me. it still rears it's ugly head every so often, but i've learned how to acclimate. but i have had almost 8 years experience, so every day is a learning experience. i'm still fighting, damnit. i'm ready to meet my enemy head-on.

thankfully, i'm finally coming out on top. thank you to those of you who stuck around. i love you all incredibly.

TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!

DON'T LET PRIDE RULE YOU!

life lesson for today! &=)

were you looking, in specific, for poo smoking a cigarette?

one of my favorite things to look for on the net is really strange stuff, preferrably art, toys, comic books, etc.

well, friends, today, i hit the mother lode.

i was reading one of my regular webcomics, and i saw an advertisement for this site:

http://www.popthirteen.com

here's the summary:

We are a community of artists and art fans who believe in breaking the fabricated boundaries between disciplines and media. It shouldn't matter if it's a canvas, a designer toy, a pair of shoes, a digital desktop, or a comic book. But rather that creativity and art should be judged by good works and bad. In doing so, we believe, and hope that this community can be a part in moving the art revolution in this direction through four words...

view * collect * discuss * affect.

sweet. &=)

there's a link to dolls made in the images of various nightmares (strangedolls.net) that make even MY stomach hurt;

you know, this site i'm looking at now (www.cameroncollectibles.net) has an alarmingly large colletion of bobbleheads, most of them being from the hanna-barbera period - have these people discovered a porthole to the past?

they also have small, plastic toys in the shape of poo, smoking cigarettes (kozik sho-po plops);

well, now, here's a cute guy called "labbit," and apparently, "he wants all the eggs", as the box states. also featured is a labbit with a corncob pipe, for those of you who still don't wear shoes. oh, and here are miniature labbits all armed with their own tiny cigarettes - i don't think china/japan is up on the news that smoking is bad for your health - orrrr maybe they're just hitting their james dean era;

hey, here's a sasquatch holding a chainsaw!

this stuff is absolutely fascinating to me. it's, like, morbid, but i just can't turn away! must keep searching...

I LOST!

i almost just gave myself a coronary. of course it was a stupid reason - why would you even wonder that? this sweater that i've been looking for, for almost a year, was finally posted on ebay. i lost that son of a bitch in the last effing second, by a dollar. whoever was on the other side was also bidding, and i thought i had her outbid (by at least a few), but i KNEW i should have gone higher. i just knew it. i would just love to pummel whoever was on ther other side of the computer. omg, the swear words that are going through my head right now...they don't even make the keys so i can type them out.

you know, i haven't been this mad in a long time. and over a piece of clothing. yes, i'm embarrassed. i should be! there's a reason i don't do lots of ebaying. *sigh*

&=(

my sweater!

&=(

as for what else is happening, nothing. we're kinda dead today. the next few weeks are going to be kinda busy - various happenings and such. my knee surgery is on june 4, and believe it or not, i'm REALLY looking forward to it. i've fallen so many times, due to the pain, i don't even tell anyone anymore. it's just like my knee stops working, and the rest of my body says, "oh, yeah...gravity." i figure i'll be out for a couple of days, then come back on crutches or something. i don't really need to take off that long, especially if i have crutches or a brace or something, i'll be fine. ohhhh, i can't wait! &=) that way, i can start back running. i've been doing lots of stretches and toning exercises (and omg, YES, i feel them), but i don't really see anything happening until i can get back to running.

what else? geez, nothing. i'm still looking for an apartment. i'm hoping for somewhere down 31, between hoover and southside, but closer to southside, or else in southside (close to work). if i can't find anything there, i'm starting to lean towards the outside of town, back towards pell city - even moody/leeds i don't think would be out of the question. i'd prefer to stay close to work, but i don't really even care, as long as it's not rat-, bug-infested.

i've been working on some stalled projects i've had, and i'm proud to say i've actually gotten some work done on them! i've been putting lots of my earlier writings into a binder. i've had to separate them into "good writings" and "things on which i'd never like to dwell again" - needless to say, the latter will be set aflame at my graveside service, if not earlier. there are other things i've been putting into notebooks - magazine articles, recipes and stuff, but i'm running into a wall on what stuff to put into notebooks and which things to scrapbook. which is, er, also on my "to do list." i'm just hesitant to start anything new, since i'm getting ready to move out.

which reminds me - anyone who has any spare boxes, please let me know. and anyone who wants to build me some sturdy bookshelves, for when i get moved in, let me know. hey, just anyone - let me know!

god, i'm bored. and pissed. and hungry. ok, i'm sorry this post is lame. i just had to bitch about my sweater. i'm so mad about that. but i can be mad about it for right now. because i can. i'll be a grown-up later, when events warrant.

green investing

i'm waist-deep in researching about green investing right now, but i just had to post this. i thought this was a very good (and thankfully, recent) article in Forbes by Brent Kessel.

04.23.07, 12:32 PM ET

When it comes to socially responsible investing, it is possible to have both economic and environmental responsibility. Some folks engage in socially responsible investing from a thematic angle--getting rid of all the "bad" companies. We think there is a middle road, whereby investors can see excellent returns with investments in line with their personal values. At Kubera Portfolios, our socially screened investment porTfolio outperformed the S&P 500 Index by 17.6% over three years.

When vetting companies for our portfolios, our seven-member investment committees look closely at their eco-credentials: hunting for positives (such as recycling programs, clean energy initiatives, an earth-friendly product line) and screening for negatives (toxic emissions, hazardous waste liabilities, harmful community impact). First and foremost, however, we look closely at the balance sheet and make sure the company is fiscally sound, with a lean price-to-earnings ratio. We don't want to see investors sacrifice their own financial sustainability in their quest to be green.

As a guideline for sustainable investing, I've come up with four basic tenets I call "Green Rules of Thumb."

1. Elucidate your own personal social values. Everyone has a slightly different definition of "socially responsible." Determine what yours is, and tailor your portfolio accordingly.
2. Decide whether you want to be a shareholder activist or simply a socially concerned investor. Do you want to lobby for change in the boardroom or passively invest in a company you feel good about?
3. Be sure to analyze the expense ratio of mutual funds. Keeping your personal costs low is a hallmark of sustainable investing.
4. Invest in as many different types of sustainable companies as possible within your portfolio. Diversification is essential for positive returns. With the myriad of sustainable companies out there, don't abandon sound rules of investing. You don't have to.

Brent Kessel is CEO of Kubera Portfolios.

Interviewed by Devon Pendleton

there's also...wait...AHEM...

sorry. anyway, there's another company that i'm thinking about putting at least 75% of my vestage into, called Winslow Green:

http://www.winslowgreen.com/products/index.asp

i like the fact that there are at least a FEW people out there who understand that environmentally-sound people like money, too. yes, i'm a hippie in my own right. i'm my mother's daughter, and i'm a tree-hugging, animal-loving, vegetarian wackadoo, but let's be real. i like technology. i like an ipod. i love my computer almost as much as a person. i'm in love with the digital age, and i'm thankful i'm able to be a part of it's birth. i love the time i'm in, although i could have chosen to be born a little later, therefore making me a bit younger. i'd LOVE to be enrolled in school right now, preferrably college - not grade school. when my depression isn't peaking, i hunger for knowledge. it's like i can't get enough. ahhh, but i digress.

my point is, i'm glad there's finally someone out there who understands that although we want green companies, green investments, green living, we don't always want to have to sacrifice our hard-earned green for it! i mean, i'm lucky to have a job - i love working here. even if i won the lottery that i never entered, i still don't think i'd like to stop working. maybe less, but not altogether.

i've contacted several companies about green investing, but the answer is usually the same - "we don't offer our services in your backwoods, hillbilly, no-shoes wearin' area," or something to that effect. so, i'm just having to skirt around various obstacles to find something that suits me. anyway, i'm hoping this will all work out, eventually to my retired-self's benefit. sure, i'm all about instant gratification just like the next person.

and the saying is right - youth IS truly wasted on the young.

question of the day

if you HAVE a bad thought, but then you don't say it out loud;

OR

you have a bad thought, but then chastise yourself for thinking something like that;

are you still committing a heinous crime?

eg. you see someone do/say something (with or without a disability), and you mock them internally. you don't actually SAY anything - the thought just enters your mind...i want to say 'without actively thinking it,' but i'm pretty sure that's not possible.

i'm just curious.

i'm always too curious.

i'm that kind of curious that makes you get BIT BY A BAT AND THEN HAVE TO GET THIS RIDICULOUS SET OF SHOTS THAT COSTS LIKE A BATRILLION DOLLARS IN THE UNIVERSEOKTHXBAI!!!!

no word on that, yet. i'm trying to get someone to write me the scrip for the initial immunoglobulin shot, then i can go to my doc office to get the rest of the series. don't get me started on how we eventually got to this point, but we did, and i'm still pissed. i'm SOOOO close to changing insurances...GRRRRRRR!!!!!

btw, sean, i'm sorry i wasn't there to get your baby bird! i actually know not to pick things up, when you're in the woods, but once they fly INTO the alcove of your apartment, and you don't want people doing gross things to them, it's, um, kinda hard to not do SOMEthing. especially when people in your complex have fetishes for hitting animals and stuff in the parking lot. so, no matter how dangerous, i will ALWAYS vie for the animals' safety over a truck mowing it down, ok? and you know who's gonna stop me? no-damn-body. i used to stop traffic to help turtles cross the road, when i took the back way to junior college.

sorry - that's just a hot-button issue with me. unfortunate as i'm sure some of you might think, i WOULD put my life in danger to rescue an animal. it has the right to life just as i do, and that's what pushes me over the limit into the elective category "card-carrying PETA member."

IT'S OK! *pushes guy out of way* I'M IN PETA!

LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language

this came from my uncle gordon, from one of my favorite sites (as you can see, listed to the side there, iffn u dun b teh dummest reTARD kk lulz!!!) icanhascheezburger.com. little did i know, i've been speaking LOL-Kitteh in my head for YEARS...


LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language (LKSL-101) in Five Easy Steps

Step one: Think of something to say. This is tricky for some people. ;)

We’ll try a simple, common comment to start:

“That’s a really cute cat. And look, he has a bow on his head!”

Step two: “Engrish” it.

1) Mis-decline verbs, especially misuse the verb “to be”
2) Misuse gerunds
3) Overuse prepositional phrases
4) Blatant rearrangement of syntax
5) Incorrect plurals and past-tense verbs
6) “noun” your adjectives. (For instance, the adjective “blue” can become the noun “blueness”)
7) Improper pronouns
8 ) Drop the articles (”a”, “and”, “the”) in favor of adding “-age” to the end of a noun
9) Use “younger” words (”kitty” versus “cat”, “fuzzy” versus “furry”, etc.)
10) Use the word “with” inappropriately.
11) If you really can’t wrap your head around the concepts behind “Engrish”, try this: Go to babelfish.altavista.com, type your desired comment in, hit “english-to-Japanese”, then re-translate back to English. You have to be able to view special characters (the kanji). If you can’t get that to work, try translating to a different, european-text language, like German.

So, we get:

“That being the kitty very full of cuteness. And to be with looking! Him gots bowage on hims head!”

Step three: Misspell everything. There’s no wrong way to do this, just try not to accidentally correctly spell a completely different word (especially one that’s pronounced differently than your spelling intends). Some words (usually short words) should simply remain spelled correctly for continuity’s sake.

1) Think like a little kid / cat / dog / goldfish, and get hukd on foniks
2) I cannot stress this enough: Vowels are your friends! Do not neglect vowels!! We’re speaking LolKitteh here, not text messaging! (My advice: use alternate vowels, Y’s are particularly handy, but don’t overuse them.)
3) Extra W’s and H’s (”awl” instead of “all”)
4) Z’s instead of S’s are easy
5) Double-letters versus single letters are always fun
6) Don’t be afraid to further pluralize things, including your verbs
7) Remember that the word “THE” must always be spelled “TEH”

now, we have:

“Dat beesing teh kiti vary ful ov kutenis. An to bees lukingz! Hims gotz bowwagez on hims hed!!”

Step four: Add exclamations and extra words.

1) Use commonly accepted internet abbreviations. Misspell them if necessary. (LOL = lawlz! ROTFL = rofflz! OMG = omgwtfbbq!?! … etc … )
2) Imagine that you’re actually in a crowd of people and you want everyone to look at this particular picture. Extra exclamations are thus necessary.
3) Think Valley Girl. The words “like,” “totally,” etc can be added. Remember to misspell!
4) Some common statements have been severely abbreviated into one single multi-syllabic word. These are good to use. The best example is “Okay, thank you, good-bye!” Which has been shortened to “kthxbye” (or “kthxbai”)

And, we have:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesing a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!?”

Step five: Add additional information. This can be the desire to interact with the subject of the photo, personal information, empathetic or sympathetic statements, responses to other posts, etc. Again, nothing right or wrong here, just whatever comes to mind.

Finally:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesings a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz!! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!? OMG I tewtul wuntz to grabz dat kiti and fuzziez himz awl ovar … him sooooooo mooshy an fullz ov win!! Don werry lil kiti, I no eetz u! I luvz kitiz! I can has bunchiz ov dem! Mah kitiz luvz bowwagez too! YETH!! GIMME!! Kthxbai!”

Remember that all of the above steps are basic guidelines for conversational lol-cat. Some regions do not always rearrange syntax. This a treasure for you. With some practice, you too can be writing (and speaking) in Conversational LolKitteh!

(this class is copyright ELFN 2007, all rights reserved, pliz to be kreditz if u be usingz da verbatumz kthxbai.)

stupid insurance - stupid rabies

we're in a bind about my rabies shots. my primary said i have to go to the health department for CDC reasons. i'm just going to look up and find out what the signs of rabies are, because i don't have $180 to be throwing around, until my insurance company FEELS like paying me back. i'll just wait and let them pay for the entire bill, when i end up in the hospital from this.

and you know, i can't help it, but i have to say something. one of the hottest guys i've ever known walked through one of the departments just now (i won't mention who or where for, um, liability reasons), and i have to say, the sight of that man walking away can surely bring a girl to her knees - in the good, old-fashioned sense, not the perverted kind.

every time i see him (coming to or going from), it makes my knees quiver - not just my bad knee. it makes me feel like i'm going to fall face-down on the ground. that's about all i can divulge about that issue. except that he's nice, and ah lak heem a LOT. &=)

*sigh*

i'm still exercising, but i need to find a cheap, back alley plastic surgeon. 'course, i DO own a dyson, so i guess i could just do most of it myself!

dyson - never loses suction.

*UPDATE*

oh, ok, so THIS is good:

In humans, signs and symptoms usually occur 30-90 days after the bite. Once people develop symptoms, they almost always die.

Early symptoms of rabies include fever, headache, sore throat, and feeling tired. As the virus gets to the brain, the person may act nervous, confused, and upset.

Other symptoms of rabies in humans include:

• pain or tingling at the site of the bite
• hallucinations (for example, seeing things that are not really there)
• hydrophobia ("fear of water" due to spasms in the throat)
• paralysis (unable to move parts of the body)

As the disease advances, the person enters into a coma and dies.

hmm...i'm still not convinced this is all worth $180. most of those symptoms i display on a daily basis, including the fear of water. hell, bats can't swim, and neither can i. we'll have to see.

let's talk

several things:

did you know that you can't just walk into the health department and GET a rabies shot? you have to have an APPOINTMENT. an appointment to have rabies.

next time i'll be handling wildlife, i'll remember to make an appointment.

also, would someone tell me when i turned into a real girl? heather and i went shopping on sunday to get her some things for her conference in denver, and i couldn't leave ross without buying clothes. it was...strange. not a feeling to which i'm accustomed.

i normally stand there and fidget while people shop, but i was like, LOOKING at stuff. and SHOPPING.

*shivers* i hope this doesn't become a habit.

lastly, did you know philadelphia makes ready-made cheesecake filling, and it comes in it's own handy tub? a giant tub. big enough for a whole cheesecake. i'd tell you the "nutritional facts" of it, but i'm too lazy to turn the tub around. plus, i can't hold my spoon, the tub, AND type.

*urp*

but for real, today will be day 5 that i've been doing my exercises. my friend, dave, showed me several exercises i can do with 5 lb weights, and i'm doing really good! &=D yay, me! i can't do anything where i bear weight on my knee, though, but hopefully, we're gonna get that fixed soon-ish.

dammit. i gotta get a scanner. that kneecap in two pieces is something to behold. stannard said he'd scrape out the insides of the two pieces, put in bone graft and put in tension screws. i told him, at this point, i couldn't care less if he lopped the damn thing off. he gave me some steroid cream to put on it, but it's not doing anything. i have to wait until after my coworker terri's wedding.

AAAAAND, my MRSA is acting up again. i've had several more...uh, LESIONS (yuck) pop up in various places around my body, and they're acting just like my pilonidal abscess, so i went to see dr han, and he confirmed that i'm ravaged with it. ok, well, it's just ON me. and he said that MRSA colonies live in - get this - the nose, the bellybutton and the anus. and because i have these things popping up, my, um, COLONIES are getting out of control. *shudders* i can acquire and manifest the strangest things.

ok, imma go fix some brussels sprouts (sprouts from brussels) and watch simpsons.

hope everyone is good. i'm making it, which is pretty good, especially for a MOONDAY.

my baby bat

here's my baby bat:




















the black things are his poopers.


















in this pic, he's got his mouth wide open and is doing that echo-location thing. this was right before i let him go! *sniff*

i went out behind my apartment the other night, around dusk, took him out of his box and held him in my hand. he crawled around for a few seconds, then crawled to the apex of my hand and took off. it was weird, because he didn't feel like he weighed anything at all, and when he took off, it was totally silent! but i saw him fly, and he flew perfectly fine, so at least neither of his wings were broken. if he would have had a broken wing, though, i would have acquired myself a new pet.

and before everyone gets all in an uproar, i'm gonna go to the health dept on monday and GET MY SHOTS. heather's husband, lee, keeps asking if i'm having any aversions to light or water.

and the answer to that would be *HISSSSSSSSSSSS*

this is BAT COUNTRY

ok, ok, guess what i got today????

A BAT!

ok, so, here's what happened. i was running late to work, and as i came out to lock the door to my apartment, i saw this big, dark thing out of the corner of my eye. i looked and saw a bat laying there, FLAT as a pancake, wings splayed all the way out. i was like, "OMG! OMG! is he...are you dead?" so, i picked him up, or at least i tried to. his claw-toe-things were embedded in the concrete. but i managed to pick him up high enough that when i had my hand under him, i could feel his tiny pulse/heartbeat. i started yelling, "OMG, you're NOT dead!" i know the people in the complex were like, "why is she always so weird???" so, i picked him up and cradled him in my warm hand, hoping that maybe he was just injured or cold or something. i was really late at that point, so i figured i'd take him to work with me. my boss and some of the people i work with are big hunters/outdoorsy-type people, so i knew they'd help me.

i got in the car and called my aunt, since they'd had experiences with their own bat "bruce," who lived in their house. i was about halfway to work, and we were talking bat-talk, when i felt movement in my hand. i looked down and said, "awww, he's trying to pick his head up!" amy said, "jimmy, if he starts flying around in that car..."

"OMG, GAAAH, HE'S AWAKE!!! HE'S GOT A WING OUT!"

he had apparently "come to," picked up his head, realized he was no longer in "bat country," and FREAKED. i had him by his left wing and chest, in the palm of my hand, and his head was up and his right wing was sticking straight out. when he woke up, he opened his mouth (bats have big mouths), and stuck his right wing out HUGE, and started clicking like mad. he was grabbing onto my shirt with his right wing fingernail-thing, while i was trying to hold him with my left hand, pull his nail off with my right, and navagate the interstate with my knee. he was freaking and bit me, like, 6 times, but it didn't hurt. it was like he didn't have any teeth. maybe they were just tiny and needle-like, and he's injected me with vampire poison, so now i'll have to feed from the blood of the living.

or he could just be a baby and not have any teeth.

so, anyway, he totally comes alive and is echo-locating like CRAZY. i know he's scared, and I'M scared, and amy's on the other end of the phone, yelling, "THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW!!!" i was like, "onto the interstate??? are you crazy??!?" so, he kinda calmed down a little bit, once he realized that not only was i not going to let him go (flying around the car and more than likely into my hair), but he was also not really in peril, because he wasn't dying or hurting.

somehow, i made it to work and into a parking space. so, i'm sitting in the parking lot, holding a bat.

i just brought a BAT to work.

i mean, it sounded like a good idea in my head! so, i'm thinking, "how am i gonna get this guy inside?" i mean, i can't stick him in my bag, because he'll probably climb out, but more than likely, get squished. i was like, ummmmm.......so, i stuck him in my pocket!

i walked in to my department, walked right up to my boss and said, "umm, i have a little bit of a problem." he said, "ok. what is it?" i opened my pocket, and he jumped back and said, "WOAH! what the....??" he pointed over to one of my coworkers and said, "he's the man you need to talk to." so, i showed him to the other guy, tommy, while chris went and got me a box. tommy said he was just a brown bat. out of all the bazillions of bats in the universe, i got a brown one. he said, he probably got lost or bumped into something and was out when i found him. i said, "well, he was comin' alive on the way here!" chris came back and had him a lil box with a towel in it! i stuck him in chris' face and said, "say 'thank you, uncle chris!'" chris was like, "ehhhh...."

so, my bat is currently residing in a box, on top of some books, in my department. they keep SHOWING him to everyone, so i'll be getting fired any minute now for bringing wild animals to work. but he's SO CUTE! &=D i never thought i'd say that about a bat! but he is!!! i wish i would keep him, but i know i can't. i'm gonna wait until night, then take him out and put him on a tree behind my apartment, like tommy said. he said he was little enough that he could have just been a baby that got lost.

*doe eyes* I HAVE A LOST BABY BAT! &=(

then, chris kept asking derrick how much he could pay him to eat my bat.

guys are so frickin gross.

nobody's eating MY bat. i keep going to check on him, but he's just sitting in there, breathing really hard, making lotsa poops. he's got his lil wings pulled way up underneath him so you can't even tell he has wings. he looks like a little mouse...with REALLY long toenails. i can't wait to get him home. i think i'm gonna run by heather's and borrow her camera, so i can take his picture. he's gonna LOVE that.

yay! i'm temporary mother to a bat!

i found a baby bird in the parking lot of my junior college years ago. i'm TERRIFIED of birds, so i cried because i had to pick it up. but i couldn't just leave it there - i'm not that kind of person. back when i lived in pell city, i would take wild animals to my vet's office all the time - i know they got really sick of that. but i can't help it!

anyway, i'm pretty sure this guy (girl?) can fly, so we'll see tonight. if you see anything on the news about a girl in birmingham being attacked by a "nipsey-russle" of bats, you'll know it wasn't a freak accident.

just a freak.

to the hero.

Mood: thoughtful

this isn't an appeal, merely a statement...

i had that feeling again, tonight, and of all times, while i was watching shrek 2. it was that tiny bit of hope. it tried so hard to peek out...well, actually, it tried to tear it's way from my chest, and it was so strong. where does it come from?

i cried my eyes out when i heard that song "i need a hero," because i heard it. of course i heard the song, but i heard the plea.
do you understand that i've stopped? i don't ask anymore. i don't look for it in anyone, because i can't see it. i know what it looks like, and for me, it's blindingly obvious. there are people that i love, but they never fill that void. they're not the piece of the puzzle. they don't fill in the circle. they're all friends, and my true, dear friends lack nothing...sadly, that's all they can remain.

i need a hero by bonnie tyler

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero...

abortion

Current mood: headache

i just read something that deeply disturbs me. i'm not going either way to say i'm pro-choice or pro-life, because i don't want to get into that discussion with anyone. it's a very personal and intimate discussion to me. but i was on abortionfacts.com (please don't ask - some days, i have a LOT of free time on my hands at work), and this site is saying that regular birth control pills are actually "micro-abortions."

*long silence*

ok, i'll just let you read for yourself. to me, this is another good reason to wait until you get married to have sex. (*coughsomeYOUNGERPEOPLEiknowcough*)

What about the standard contraceptive pill?

There are over 30 "contraceptive" pills on the market, each differing a little from the others. They "prevent" pregnancy through three separate functions.

1. They thicken the mucous plug at the cervix. If this is the primary effect, then it truly is contraceptive because it prevents sperm from entering.

2. They prevent release of the ovum. If this is the primary effect, then the function is "temporary" sterilization.

3. They render the lining of the womb hostile to the implantation of the tiny new human at one week of life. This effect is abortifacient.

The earlier high-estrogen pills largely prevented ovulation. The newer low-estrogen pills allow "break-through" ovulation in up to 20% or more of the months used. Such a released ovum is fertilized 10% or more of the time. Most of these tiny new lives which result, do not survive. The reason is that at one week of life this tiny new boy or girl cannot implant in the womb lining (see number 3 above) and dies. These are micro-abortions.

The pill, then, can have a contraceptive or temporary sterilization effect (by far the most common), or it can be an abortifacient. illke, "The Physiologic Function of Certain Birth Control Measures," National RTL News, Mar. 9, 1981

You mean the effect is to abort?

Yes! "The morphological changes observed in the endometrium of oral contraceptive users have functional significance and provide evidence that reduced endometrial receptivity does indeed contribute to the contraceptive efficacy of OCs." In other words, because the endometrial lining is not receptive to the human being, who must implant in order to continue living, the human being will die. Somkuti, et al., "The Effect of Oral Contraceptive Pills on Markers of Endometrial Receptivity," Fertility and Sterility, Vol. 65, #3, 3/96, p. 488

Currently watching : Shrek/Shrek 2
Release date: By 28 March, 2006

hurt

Current mood: depressed

my heart is heavy and empty at the same time. for some reason, loneliness consumes me. i don't know what it is - holidays, anniversaries. i've tried to give it a name, a reason. but it's just here. and it's on me. it's all over me. it is me. i can see death and hollowness in my eyes. sometimes the tears can't stop coming, but there are times they won't come at all. my agorophobia is bad again. i don't want to be around people. the only thing i can attempt to do is to stay busy, but even that won't hold me forever. am i just supposed to keep running until i collapse? there's no way. i can't force myself to be around people - that makes it all worse. it makes me hate myself, and it makes me resent the people i love.

i always think that it's him, but it's not. it's the thing that WAS him. it's the thing that made US. it's the comfort i found in the love i had with him. it was the feeling of falling into the arms of someone i truly loved with every fiber of my being.

now, people hug me. people tell me they are there. but it doesn't matter. it's not the same. and it doesn't help. it's so shallow and hateful for me to say those things, but i don't like to pretend. i do it all the time, just to make it through the fucking day, and i hate it. i'm never me. i'm so mournful inside right now. i'm so emo, so cliche. but it's me. it's how i feel.

my head hurts, my heart hurts, i'm trying so hard to get physically better, but this psychological crap puts up a brick wall in the path of my progress. and it takes so long and so much damn energy to chip away at the wall - just to make a big enough hole for me to crawl through. so, there's a hole, and there's still the wall that i try to leave behind, but the matter is still present. it's just pushed away.

i'm doing better financially - much better. that takes such a load off. but the saying is true - money doesn't buy happiness. it only feeds your need for REAL LIFE. i LONG to find someone who can love me for me, someone for whom my feelings are reciprocated. there are people who care for me, and people for whom i care. but i can't just MAKE myself feel a way. i want to, God knows i do. but i'm so afraid anymore.

no, not afraid.

tired.

tired of the fight. tired of the struggle. tired of pushing to make it every single day.
i want someone to find me. i want him to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i've never felt. i want it to completely consume me. i want him to forgive me for having a past. i want someone who wants what i want. i want someone to have the fire that i have to help others. i'd love to meet someone who would join me in the peace corps, to travel and build and help and heal. that's all i can think about anymore. i know it's what i was meant to do. but i want someone to go with me. i want someone to want the same things i want. i don't know who he is. i don't even know if he exists. i want him to know that i would give my entire life to be a part of him. i want someone who doesn't push away if i feel the need to visit my family. i want someone who's family can become a part of mine. i want to mesh entirely into his life. i want what i had with aaron. i want it so badly, i can taste it.

it's not him. not anymore. it's just the relationship. it's what i had. i know it was perfect, i know i threw it away, i know it's gone. but i'm new. i'm forgiven. i'm clean and completely pure. my mind is in a different state. i can think clearly. i know what i want out of my life.

please let me have that chance. i don't know who you are. i don't even know if you exist. but please know that i'm good. i don't have hate in my heart, except for those who hurt the people i love. i'm here, and i know that i will continue on with or without you. but your attention would be wonderful. it would make my life so much easier, and i would love to do the same for you.

please find me.

Currently reading : Bridge to Terabithia
By Katherine Paterson
Release date: By 17 June, 1987

at least i'm not trichotillomanic

Current mood: hungry

i might have sleep apnea and look like a freak in my sleep, but at least i don't eat my own hair.

right. count your BLESSINGS, not your curses.

i always forget that, for some reason...

oh, for the love of all that is holy in the universe, i can't sleep.

that's all.

c-pap or not, i'm totally awake. AND my dvd player is broke, so i'm watching old episodes of aqua teen on my computer. AND i'm starving.

*sigh*

just one of many, MANY sleepless nights...

"dang...it makes me sad that they had to open their toys in front of an ape, and they were all made out of doo-doo. what kind of christmas is that?"

Currently watching : Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Volume Two

Release date: By 20 July, 2004

redeemed every night at 9p

my emotions are completely out of whack. the only thing i can appreciate right this second is that the simpsons are coming on.

incidentally, i'm having a lot of "issues" with where i belong right now. i'm actually talking to a lady with cross-cultural solutions about joining one of their volunteer programs for a few weeks. i had originally wanted to go to dharamsala, but i was reading about morocco and ghana, and i'm kinda leaning towards africa now. the only thing that's holding me back is the fact that you have to PAY to join the program. *psh*

ok, show's on. i promise i'll post again soon. i'm just...i'm kinda lost right now. funny to think about the things or people who possibly curtail your depression. when those things are taken away, it's like there's no turning back. i wish i could go back 7 years and start again...

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

goodbye to a friend

Current mood: crushed

my friend ella passed away this afternoon.

our whole department was glum. i just went around and hugged as many people who would let me.

i don't know what to say. she led such a hard life and had so many problems, but she never really let it outwardly bother her. she would always do her job to the best of her ability and never complain. she knew every part of that hospital and knew how to do almost everything in our department. she worked in the file room - something everyone balked at - when we lost all those people at the changeover. so many people in the hospital knew and cared so much about her. everyone in surgery was asking me how she was doing all day, but it never seemed like we had good news to share.

*sigh*

i'm glad she didn't suffer for long, but i'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that she won't be there anymore. i miss her already. and her family...her poor brother...they managed to get him back over to see her before they took her off life support. he's going to be so lost without her. i think, to some degree, we all will be. she was always such a positive part of your work day.

i'm sure some people won't think too much on this, but it seems no matter how many times i go through it, death never gets any easier.

*tears*

i can still see her little, tiny self, standing there, waving good morning to me when i dragged in every morning. she always spoke and always asked me how i was.

ella, i miss you so much, and i'm sorry i didn't hug you when i saw you on thursday. it's not that i didn't care - we just get wrapped up in our own little worlds and forget about other people so many times. i can't even seem to say the right thing. thank you for being my friend, ella, for the brief time i knew you. even if you never knew, you touched almost everyone with whom you came into contact. our department will never be the same without you, and so many peoples' lives will be so empty without you. mike, rena, ora, and mamie just to name a very few.

we still love you, ella, and although your body was weak, your spirit was strong. i know you're well again, and for some reason, God sometimes feels the need to take the best ones. and even though the rest of us might not feel it for a while, you're at peace now, and that's what's important. we didn't want you to hurt anymore, but we'll surely be hurting without you.

i love you, sweet girl!

ella...

my coworker, and i can safely say my friend, ella perry is in the hospital, in critical condition today. she had some problems the yesterday, while she was home, but she was able to call the paramedics. they rushed her to the hospital, and she went directly into surgery, where she stayed for almost 6 hours. she's in the ICU now, but she's not doing well.

some of my other friends from the OR and i are going to go by and, at the very least, visit with her family today. i know they already know, but i just want to express to them what a special person ella is to me. she's such a good person, and i'm still praying that it's in God's plan for her to stay here, but if not, then that's the way it has to be.

whether or not you're religious, please keep my friend in your thoughts. she's at a very critical point in her life, and i'm hoping that she's able to remain here with us. she's a good, kind, sweet, caring, God-loving woman, who's only concern has always been about others. she's always noticed when i've been down and has never denied me a hug, when she saw i needed it. although i've only known her for the 2 years that i've worked here, she's still a very special person to me.

now they're saying ella's brother, andrew, has possibly had a heart attack. he and ella are so close and love each other SO MUCH! they've rushed him to the emergency room.

please let them be ok....

studying logs

originally posted march 19, 2007

Current mood: tired

okey smoke, so it's like this. i did my sleep study last night....and guess who was sawing logs??!?! that'd be me. if they couldn't find anything wrong with me, i was going to have to stay the rest of the day, but this morning, she came and clicked on the lights, and said, "ok, you can go!" i was like, "ummm, does that mean...." and she said, "sleep apnea? yep."

oh, goodie. i mean, OH, GOODIE!!!!

i just got home, and i still have sticky stuff all over my face and in my hair. i was wired with spaghetti literally from the top of my head, down to my ankles. and it took me a minute to fall asleep, but i slept, and of course, when i woke up this morning, i felt like i had just fallen asleep. imma try to post pictures on my blog, but i'm not sure it will work. they both watched me and listened to me while i slept, which was kinda creepy, but turns out, i didn't have a problem. i don't know, yet, how many times i stopped breathing or all of those stats, but i'll find out next time i go to the doc.

ah, shizzle. lemme talk to my friend alicia, and see if she can give me the 'tard's guide to posting pictures, and i'll get them on here.

*mumbles* stupid radiology degree.

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

i don't know...

i feel lost and useless today.

i said i DON'T want no drama

Current mood: exhausted

i'm so about to fall asleep. last night was erica's prom, so i went out there to see her and take pics and all that. let's just say, there was SO much drama that happened between erica and the girl who was supposed to be her best friend, the night ended in me having to take two klonopins and crash on amy's couch. (it is an INCREDIBLY long, somewhat exciting, pissy highschool story, so i won't even get into it right now.) nonetheless, erica and trent had a great time, and that's all i wanted for her.

so, i woke up today and realized that i have my sleep study tonight. one of the requirements of having the study is that i can't take any naps during the day. it's only 140p in the afternoon, and i'm already falling over at the computer. phil's on his way over here to take me to get some coffee, because i'm not gonna make it. i have to get checked in at 830p tonight, then i won't go to sleep until about 11p.


ohhhhhh crap. i'm not gonna make it. *drools*

Currently reading : The Dogs Who Found Me: What I've Learned from Pets Who Were Left Behind
By Ken Foster
Release date: By 01 March, 2006

vacation to _______?

ok. so, here it is. i need some help on figuring out where heather and i get to go on vacation. we've been planning this for about, oh, um, 6 years or something. anyway, she finally broke the other day. she sent me this email, in which i could tell she was feverishly typing.

and i quote:
"Ok.This is what I want to do. YOU have to pick somewhere in Continental US and I will pick the days. We are going to fly there and be us. So think of somewhere we would flippin' LOVE to be or somewhere that would mean something to us. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!...My face is all flushed just typing this out. It could be that I have a day off, but I think it's just wild abandon excitement!!"

so, my new site of the moment is vacationidea.com. i've been perusing the site, looking for fun and exciting things on there. i actually started with a map. just a plain map. of course, it was like, "hey! there's no pictures on this thing!" so, the map was short-lived. although my random closed-eyed flipping did land us in south dakota for our vacation, and LORD ONLY KNOWS where that is. it's obviously south of the north one, and not in alabama. after i established those two facts, i got scared that we'd end up where all those polygamists live, and we'd somehow end up as brides. not only is heather already happily married, but i'm not seeing marriage in my near future...especially not with a bunch of other chicks.

anyway, so i'm thinking. well, i'm always thinking. but i'm super-thinking about this. i've got a lot coming up this year, and i'm really excited! next weekend, i get to chaperone shelby's jr. beta club convention. we're going to huntsville, which isn't a big deal, but this will be the first time i've ever chaperoned anyone over 4, and somewhere other than the zoo. so, i have to act like an adult and stuff. riiiiight. we'll see.

WOOHOO! i'm an adult! and i get to turn 30 this year! this year is going to be awesome! i can feel it in my bones - that's prolly what all that aching has been. i'm just growing into an adult. &=)

ok, ok, i gotta go do some work or something. hell, i don't know WHAT they're calling me for. i've been working for some OT lately, so it's actually been pretty good. i got to work at trinity last week, then i worked at highlands on saturday, and i stayed late last night. it's been kinda nice working over. i still think i'm going to apply at the bookstore, just because i think that would be the funnest job ever.

ok, now they're screaming at me.

*screams back*
I'M COMING! GAWD, CAN'T YOU SEE ME TYPING??!?

*sigh*
ok. more later.

amigurumi...and more!

ok, so here's my new obsession, and if i was NOT on this crappy work computer, i'd post some pictures. *AMIGURUMI* it's the japanese art of knitting or crocheting small stuffed animals. i mean, i couldn't knit a potholder if i had a gun to my head, but then again, i've never tried.

** http://www.nutandbee.com **

this chick, annette, has THE cutest things. there are links to her amigurumi buried in her site, but nut and bee is mostly dedicated to the stuff she draws. anyway, that's where i discovered it.

that's probably something you DON'T know about me, is i ADORE tiny things. anything tiny and vulnerable just breaks my heart into a million and one pieces. i don't know why. tiny animals, tiny babies, tiny toys - tiny THINGS are just TINY! &=)

here's a good site to look at the stuff she's knitted, if you like:

** http://www.flickr.com/photos/annettle/sets/1038936 **

and i'm going to knit a tiny animal army and OVERTHROW THE DARFURIAN GOVERNMENT AND FEED THE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

and just in case you didn't know that, that's my OTHER weakness, is helping people (in case you don't remember that time i took in those homeless "reforming" crackheads, and i couldn't get rid of them, but that caused me to learn something about myself - i can't work with drug addicts). i want to join the peace corps and go somewhere and help where i'm needed so badly, i can hardly sit in my seat. my bug is pretty bad right now, and i need to stop kicking around and just finish my freaking application. i wasn't meant to live here forever. as much as i adore my family (and when i say adore, i mean unhealthily obsess), i can't stay here.

i have no idea what any of these things has to do with the other. i'm just a little EDGY today. i worked last night, so i'm going on about 4 hours sleep. *blah*

oh, and just for posterity, i got a rainbow in the sky on my animal crossing ds game yesterday. i almost couldn't contain my excitement when i saw it, but i was down in surgery and i had to be quiet, because no one understands me anyway.

i'm like a little german performing monkey with a tiny hat and an accordian to these people.

i love being a gamer. i love being into sci-fi. i love computers. i love being a closet nerd. i love the times when i feel smart. i love being able to figure things out. i love being the only one who knows how to do stuff at work. i love the fact that i've read atlas shrugged. i love the fact that i can read, period. i love it that i anthropomorphize everything. i love my best friend. i love my family. i love my pets (my girls!) i love my friends. i love my allie cat. i love babies. i love animals. i love trees. i love nature. i love daffodils and dandelions. i love flowers. i love hair falls. i love that i cry at movies. i love feeling better. i even love it that my heart breaks at the tiniest, most benign things.

# these are just some of the things that i love #

i love being a freak.

today, i love being me.

tomorrow, we'll see. &=D

but the conversation never existed...

"what did he say to you?"

"i can't remember, because i wasn't paying attention...

my brain...it's like there's a foggy cloud, inside my head, surrounding my brain. nobody can see it."

"well, what are you going to do?"

"i...i don't really know. what do you think i should do?"

"there's nothing left TO do, right?"

"i...i guess you're right."

*silence*

"there's nothing left."

scars

so much going on...

yet, i can find nothing to say.

things have been so...obscure and peculiar as of late. this year actually hasn't started out badly. but now it's just wavering through this dimension of ________. and i'm trying to hold myself back from overly-analyzing everything, because that's what i do. it's what i DO.

so, on valentine's day eve, i get a phone call. from my ex. aaron. it was a strange call, and i couldn't tell if he was on something, or if he was just SO freaked out from talking to me, that he couldn't hardly function. it was really weird, i have to admit. my heart was in my throat for a few minutes. i mean, who's wouldn't be? i hadn't talked to him in almost 3 years. he claims he was calling to see if my number still worked. but you know, if he just wanted to talk, i wish he would just say it. after knowing how "I" felt after the conversation, i think i can deal. i'm better.

him? ummm....i can't really openly comment on that. those close to me know how it made me feel. he was...trying to be tough; trying to put on this "lookit me, look how much BETTER and TOUGHER and UN-PUSSYLIKE i am without YOU in my life!" he was cursing every other word. he was prompting me to curse. he was drifting from subject to subject all throughout the conversation.

he was pushing SO HARD...to hurt me.

unfortunately, it still does. but it's that kind of hurt that just makes me sad that i've done people wrong. it made me pity him. i'm no longer living with the fallacy that he'll come back, that we're just on hiatus, that he'll see the error of his ways. that hope is gone.

but i can't help but miss who he was. i can't help but miss what we had. it was beautiful, and there was NEVER any denying it. but after my mom died, you could never deny i was in pain.

after that, my life was a blur of regret.

i'm ok now, though. i'm ok. i have a good job. i'm managing well. me and phil are on and off, but it's both of our choices. i'm struggling to reach nirvana, but it's a battle long-fought. i didn't get here overnight. my life is full of daily struggles and discoveries. it's a good life. it has great people. it could be much, much worse.

but it's not.

he kept pushing and pushing.
in a condescending tone, he says, "to be honest, i thought you'd be dead by now."
i said, "that hurts."
he responded, "oh, but i didn't mean anything by it."

he says, "i was worried about calling you. i was worried about what it would do to you."
i'm thinking, "you were hoping it would kill me? why else would you take that chance, if you're so concerned about my sanity?"

heather said, and everyone has agreed, he's just upset that i'm ok. he was hoping to find me dissolving into a puddle of tears and sorrow, just from the sound of his voice. somehow that enables him to lord over me, to feel powerful, that he was able to destroy this human who caused him to reinvent himself.

he said, "i hate myself. i hate that i'm not a superhero. i hate that i'm not invincible, infallible."

he has been changed. i've been changed. we've all changed. no one is ever the same. he's still beautiful to me, even though i don't know who he thinks he is...who he wants to be...in front of me, in front of his "friends". i'll always love him, no matter what he throws at me. i know who he was, all guards down. i don't need him to tell me, because i knew him before anyone. true, i'm partially at fault for who he's become. but after all was said and done, i did what he asked of me - i left him alone.

so, now what?

nothing. i'm here. i'm always here. i have good days, and i have bad days. but i'll always be here. i'll cry sometimes, and i'll laugh, although much more rarely. but i'm ok. and ok is better than i've been in a very long time. i'll never be completely over my mother's death. i'll never be completely over my divorce. i'll never feel that kind of pain again in my life. i'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

what am i going to do now?

i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever find the right one. not that i haven't met some good ones, some great ones, but not THE one. not yet. i don't know, if ever. i don't know if i'll have kids. like my friend paula said, i think i'm just a late bloomer. it's been a hard life for some of us. i've dragged a lot of people along in my wake. but i'm done for now. i'm not suffering. i'm good. i'm fine. i haven't cried in a long time, and for me, that's a reason to celebrate.

i have a lot of good things coming up, and i'm very excited. and you know what? i'm not dead, so there's still more to come.

i know you thought i'd be dead.

i'm not sorry to disappoint you.

i'm free.

bloring

i know my blog is boring. just full of words.

i'm hoping to spiff it up a little in the future, but it's a rare moment that i get to sit, uninterrupted, in front of my computer. i like some of the blogs that i've seen, where people actually share things they like, sites they visit, etc, and i hope to do the same. right now, my there's a thin line between attention and a nap. i'm doing a little better, healthwise, now, but i'll update on that later.

right now, i just feel like typing. stuff. whatever stuff.

OH! i AM going to have acupuncture done today, so i'm a tad nervous about that. i've had so many injections in my neck, this really shouldn't be a big deal. and i know the doc who's doing it, so i'm pretty sure he won't try to kill me. well...i mean, i hope he won't.

who knows? i might have cut him off in the parking lot, and that's why he's agreed to see me. well, we'll see. the only thing i feel capable of doing now is quoting shrek:

TGIF, eh, buddy?

**SIGH**

a feeling

the silence in the car was deafening. the negative pressure in my head sucked up the quiet, only because it had nowhere else to go. my head was filled with silence. it felt like if i screamed, nothing would happen. no sound. no echo. no response. it would be just a desperate motion for naught. i could even open the door and fall out of the car, onto the passing road, and still feel nothing. the tears poured down my cheeks, gushing out by their own free will, gathering on my chin, under my nose, but still i did nothing. i said nothing.

to delve, briefly...

i'm at work right now, and thankfully, we're having a "dead day." dead days to me mean no c-arm cases downstairs in surgery. i think i rested kinda ok last night, so i'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. either way, i'm glad to have the break. this means i'll be planted in front of the computer for the majority of the day.

enough of that, though - i don't want to talk about work right now. it's getting on my nerves. i'll be 3 in march, and my job is finally getting on my nerves. ok, NOT the job. just the people.

anyway. what's on my mind? aging. and love. both have clashed together in my brain, leaving behind a trail of complete and utter paranoia. with the way i feel, there's NO way in hell i'm ever going to "find someone". which in turn leaves me with never bearing children and having a loving family, something i've always wanted. i think i'd be an ok mommy.

i realize that i'm never going to be "myself" again, and that really sucks. i have a "me" in my brain that i've been constantly striving to reach, since my mom died. it was the good me. it was the active me. it was the fun and funny me. it was the me who didn't want to hide in a dark room all day and never move again. what is that? is it depression? it can't be - i'm already working on that, and i'm fine. i mean, i don't cry all the time anymore, like i used to, after the divorce.

but i still feel a void. i feel personally meaningless. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, and frankly, that's really annoying to me. as lazy as i am, i have a certain amount of inborn proactivity inside me. i think that's one reason i started getting so addicted to change. i'd change jobs, i'd change apartments, i change moods all the time. it has to be some sort of life-altering upheaval in order for me to be content. it's part of what destroyed me and what has remade me. i hate who i am, though, so how do you change?

well, first off, i've gotten really involved in my own health. my physical self isn't well. the pain within my body is something that no one else can see nor detect. so, i'm subjecting myself to new doctors, TONS of labwork, tests, xrays, mri's, drug studies, to see if i can find that one thing that can halt this...this whatever it is. i have a pretty good idea of what i think it is, but i'm not even saying anything until a real, certified DOCTOR tells me so first. my body is in constant grueling pain. i wish i was exaggerating, but i'm not. in fact, i've gotten to the point where i understate how i feel. but that's not important. what is important is that i can get back to zero; i have to start to feel kinda neutral/normal again. once i'm out of the woods on that, then i can focus more on the inner me. right now, my pain interferes with my sleep, which screws with my work, which does NOTHING for my self-esteem, and of course, i'm not dating.

phil and i are seeing each other again, but we've decided to leave it open and unlabelled for now. i don't really feel like talking about that, either. it's kind of...weird. but i'm still open to dating/hanging out, and i'm always keeping my options open. but how can i when my self-esteem is at rock bottom? i mean, who wants to date a chick who's in chronic pain? yeah, me neither.

BLAH. i hate talking about boring, yucky, boring things.

i've been less introspective and haven't been writing as much, so i think that's not so good. i tend to feel better when i ________ . yeah, you could put just about anything in that blank, and it would work. "eat lots of doughnuts." "run maniacally through the hospital with an open sharps container full of dirty needles." but not things like, "club baby seals," or "fish."

i keep telling myself i'm going to go to that ridiculous gym at my complex, but the only person i'm lying to is myself. *sigh* maybe i'll go today. there, now i've lied to everyone who reads this. plus, i spend $15/month for the uab gym, and i've been as many times as i can count on two fingers. shit. i should just go, right? but, who the HELL wants to go work out, after you've been at work all day? i've tried to fool myself into not using the term "WORK out," but instead replacing it with the positive term "exercising!" and guess what? i've still only been two times. because that's exactly what i want to do - my body's already IN pain, so i want to work it out enough to the point that when i wake up the next day, i find i can no longer move. i'm in complete stasis, lactic acid coursing through my muscles. yeah. great. then, i'll have to do the whole brian regan "calling an ambulance for myself" routine.

alright, there's like a ton of stuff i want to post about, but my R wrist is back in it's little splint-thingie. it's hurting again today (naw, really???), and i tried to make it better by working through it yesterday = not a good idea.

so, hopefully more later. or not. hell, with the way things are going, i could be abducted by a vicious pack of beavers, only to later become their queen, and live my life out on the river, constructing damns (Freudian slip) against the will of humans. someone will probably shoot and stuff me, and i'll end up perched in a steak house somewhere around the states, with a permanent snarl on my face, leering over an infant's head, causing her to cry. kinda like that giant bear from hal's hungry bear. i always felt sorry for him. as if his life wasn't hard enough, his afterlife REALLY sucked.

"yeah, i was a bear for a while, foraging in the wild, forced to pit myself against mother nature, fighting other packs of wild animals in order to acquire food and survive. after that, i went on to live at a shoney's, wearing various party hats according to the holidays and promoting such items as the 'double decker hamburger' and the 'sunday afternoon blue plate special.'"

cripes, i have opposable thumbs, and i'm STILL bitching about finding the "right guy."

i'm retarded.

Currently Reading:
Mount Misery
By Samuel Shem, MD
Release date: 01 July, 2003

and

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
By Lewis Carroll
Release date: 12 December, 2000

growing old sucks

i'm up from a nap, just to lay down again. i haven't been on, nor have i been communicating, because i really haven't been well. i DON'T know what's wrong, but it's all through my body, and it's been going on for months.

so, sometimes the pain makes me throw up, and that and my rapidly plunging self-esteem tends to make me a little unsociable. if it's extraneous (talking on the phone) or my life doesn't depend on it (bathing), it's not going to get done.

i have lots of doc's appts and tests coming up, so i'm actually thankful. i have a friend who's a surgeon, and he's really been trying to help me out through this rough time. he's given me samples of different meds to see if they work, but so far, we're coming up dry.

i'm really, really sorry to everyone out there who might, in SOME way, be relying on me. i swear to GOD that this isn't in my head. it's all over my body. and it hurts and i don't like it at all. my entire life has come to a standstill, aside from working, which nearly kills me every single day, but i have no other alternative.

just to let you know, i'm still alive. just not in a functional shape right now.

radiation = psychosis

hi.

i haven't posted in a while.

i'm sorry.

*things haven't been so good, health-wise, with me, but i think i'm finally getting a handle on things (more on that later). other than that, everything else is fine.

*my family is good - i miss them like crazy, though. i haven't been out there in what seems like ages.

*my finances are finally ironing themselves out, thank God, although i'm still chronically poor.

*work is ok, except that i finally have concluded, on this very day, that every person in this building is a crazy, whacked-out f*'r, who doesn't know the difference between a bad day and complete, all-out psychosis which requires treatment and/or tranquilizers - and for once, i'm not referring to myself.

i know now that everyone else here is a nutjob to the infinite degree, and the only reason I'M on meds is because everyone else needs to change their f*'d up attitudes but won't...ever. so, i'm being forced to take meds in order to compensate for THEIR lack of sanity, in order to keep from losing mine. i'm not talking about my same problem child, sheryl, although she is back to her regular shit. i mean the WHOLE lot of them, especially up here in my department.

these people are complete whackadoos - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - they're just flat-out f*'d up.

and you have NO idea how much better i feel now that i can say that. i now owe myself about $1000 for one hell of a session and a vacation because i deserve it.

you know what it is? it's because i have this horrible phobia of radiation, so i'm ALWAYS geared up in my lead, virtually from head to toe. no other person really gives a crap, so they walk all through the room with no protection. it's the radiation. i'm radiating these people into insanity.

this job is so f*'g cool. &=)

we'll talk more later.........i got stuff to do.

i don't feel so well *urp*

mleck.
let me tell you why i feel super-gross today.

i took my meds last night - perfectly fine, but the pharmacist wasn't lying, when he said that hydrocodone syrup dries you out. i lost all salivatory abilities from my mouth down to my stomach, and i was afraid i was going to start coughing up dried crap. so, i was miserable all night, not from gagging up giant, thick, green and somewhat already solidified lugies, as went the past two weeks, but from the lack of moisture in the air...and my body. so, i tossed and turned and had rancid dreams about stupid stuff, so i slept a total of about 3 hours last night. as always, once i finally got comfortable and settled in, it was time to wake up. of course.

so, i woke up, ran around getting ready (i had overslept about 10 min), and as i grabbed my bag and keys off the counter and went for the door, my stomach plummeted. i felt the most nauseating sensation in about 3 seconds flat that i've ever felt...ever. this was totally different than the amoebic dysentery - with that, i felt pain. with this, i felt so sick that i thought vomit was going to shoot out of my ears. i started getting chills and sweating, my ears were ringing, and my mouth started watering. once that happened, i knew i was about to lose it. so i ran in the bathroom, stripped off my jacket and hung over the potty - like this: &=O.

......nothing.......

so, i let about 5 mins go by, the wave passes, i get up, redress and head for the door.

*BAM* it hits again.

this time, i'm on the floor, on my hands and knees, praying that this one would just pass. it didn't pass as quickly, so i sat there, while the girls circled me like vultures closing in on the carcass. i kept shooing them away - "no, mom's not dead yet. leemmelone." finally, i was able to gain enough sense again to make it to the car. i was fine the whole way to work, until i got out of the car.

*BLAM-O* it was bad this time. i pitched over onto the ground and started hocking up as much stuff as i could, to try to psych my brain out of thinking i felt sick. thank god i was running late today, or i would have made quite a scene.

...or did i?

i started walking to the stairwell, when my stomach just said, "to hell with this." i actually FELT my food move back UP through my small intestines, back into my stomach, and up through my chest. i fell over right at the stairwell and emptied my not-so-nearly digested green olive pizza, from last night, on to the ground, in the parking deck, right next to the stairwell.

i made it inside, tears streaming down my face, and managed to choke down some generic sprite shit, that i've been able to keep down for the rest of the day. heather said she thinks it's the levaquin the doc put me on for my bronchitis. i don't think i've ever taken it, and it's really, really strong. omg, i need my momma right now. *blech*

and no, i'm NOT pregnant, but thanks for thinking i'm still desireable.



once it left my mouth, though, i could no longer be held responsible. just watch where you're stepping, ok?

what has two thumbs & likes germs?

current mood: drugged

THIS chickie! that's who!

w00t!

that called for some of that inter-web jargon!

i can do some sick! let me just tell you, about 3 weeks ago, i had the flu, which was fortunately somewhat deterred by my flu shot and my doctor's prompt and hasty diagnosis and prescription of tamiflu.
but now, i have graduated (or been demoted, depending on your pov) to severe acute bronchitis!

i told him i've been sick (post-flu) since dec 27 and that i TRIED to keep from coming in, but i pretty much just took off work and suffered for as long as i possibly could.
his response:

"stop doing that."

yeah, well, you know, you're like, a DOCTOR and stuff, and i figure you want to see real patients. SICK patients.

apparently, he's just as happy seeing me - a constantly afflicted hypochondriac. but, if you're actually SICK, does that still make you a hypochondriac? something to ponder while you're sitting on the potty today.

AARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!

anyway, news item #2....the circus is in town.

*big grey cloud settles over the city*

as much as i'd like to stay on and harp about THAT shit, i just want to remind you all that i'm still a benign, YET SOMEWHAT ACTIVE member of peta. *cue psycho shower music*

so, if you go to the circus, i'll see you there. i'll be the one standing outside with all the "propaganda" as to why you SHOULDN'T be doing what you're doing, in hopes that maybe YOU'LL lay awake that night and stress about something you really have no control over, instead of me, for once. i've already had those dreams that i had again last year, about people throwing meat on me in drive-bys (no, NOT drive-thrus). you know, it's never hard to keep doing what i do for the animals, and it's NEVER hard for me to keep caring. but i'll be damned if it's hard as hell to stay my hand from popping a complete stranger in the windpipe with my fist.

"his windpipe hit me first. i swear."

ok, i have to lay down. my hydrocodone is taking effect, and i'm about to have to take a nap in the hallway. plus, jezzy just got out, so i must corral her before she gets her third wind.

more laters.

who i'm starting out as in 2007

i feel like there's something plaguing me. i can't tell whether it's good or bad, but you know, sometimes this is the only way i can get things out. i feel like there's something on my mind, something i should say, but i can't really pinpoint it.

god, you know apoplectic i can be, but it's just who i am, and i'm not going to change. i'm never going to change. not for anyone, for any reason. i just want to find someone who's concerned about me. in that, i will always return the thought.

but, i know i'm not getting any younger, and i still don't know where my life is going. all i know is that i want to find someone who loves me for exactly who i am, quirkiness, spastic behavior and all. i want to find someone who inspires me and for whom i can do the same. i want someone who is able to develop goals, be them large or small, both aside from me and with me, and is able to reach those goals. i want someone who isn't happy with mediocrity and always wants to strive for better.

i'm just spouting off the things that come to mind, when someone asks, "what do you want?"

when aaron and i were together, i used to think our relationship was harmful, because we were so dependent upon each other. we loved each other so deeply, that being apart would physically hurt. i tried to make it out like it was some kind of hindrance for me and my development (in other words, i couldn't whore myself around like i wanted to, when i finally started "freeing" myself *rolls eyes*). now, i know that's the only way i want to be in love. i want my entire life to revolve around that person, and i want him to want the same. we don't have to BE the same person, but i'd like to want the same things out of life.

thoughts unfinished........

countdown to...

mood: coughing

i've been up for 3 solid hours, gagging my brains out. i don't know what the hell i have, but i'm sick. still. it's screwed up my entire work week, but thankfully, i had a pretty good paycheck come yesterday, so thank the beans for that.

it is currently 5:24a, and i broke down and went to bruno's to buy some NAME-BRAND cough syrup (robitussin, you sold me - but ne'er again!), so that should be doing the job...any minute now...i'm totally sick as a frog and delirious from lack of sleep thereof. jammy's sitting in my lap, staring at me, causing me to wonder, is this how i'll be ringing in the new year?

but, no. i think i'm going to hang out at heather's for the new year. not that it's anything - just another day, and i'll be going to work the very next day. oh well. not much to look forward to. or is there?

hmmm......

2006 - not so bad.

2005 - blew.

2004 - even worse.

ahhh, we won't go backwards, because there's not much good there. but there is good coming. my finances predict such. and so does jammy pie. she says everything will be just fine. i think booboo is in the bed. she also thinks everything will be fine. i have everyone out of my house, cept'n me and my girls, and although i'm still unsure of what to do when my lease is up in july, i have a kind of warm inside feeling that everything will be ok. it's prolly God. or the cough syrup. or a lil of both.

so, what else is going on? not much. just throwing myself into work, but justifiably so. still hoping for the hottie doctor? sure. who isn't? how about friends? they're still there. i'm not rushing anything.

one of my very good friends laura got engaged not too long ago, and while i'm a little irked that i'm still standing here, with my two cats, fair on the way to becoming "crazy cat lady," i revel in her happiness and celebrate her joy. it's LONG overdue.

congratulations, love - you only deserve the best!

hokay. i'm going to dig out some old spongebob and lay down with the girls. surely, the coughing must be about exhausted. if not, my head WILL explode from the pressure...or the neighbors will be in here with lit torches and pitchforks to dispel the maker of the noise.

*HACK* *wheeeeze*

maybe, i should double dose. *snerk*

Currently reading : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy By Douglas Adams Release date: By 30 April, 2002

the one about the phlegm

sorry, guys. i've been really sick during the holiday, so i haven't posted anywhere, nor have i been on the computer. i was able to spend christmas eve with mark, amy & the kids, but even then, amy had the flu, and me and mark were just sick as shit. aside from being able to hang out with my family, my holiday has been shit. i'll never work another fucking holiday as long as i fucking live. this shit is retarded, and they don't even appreciate the fact that you do it.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:

BEING AN ADULT BLOWS.

i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.

blah.