scars

so much going on...

yet, i can find nothing to say.

things have been so...obscure and peculiar as of late. this year actually hasn't started out badly. but now it's just wavering through this dimension of ________. and i'm trying to hold myself back from overly-analyzing everything, because that's what i do. it's what i DO.

so, on valentine's day eve, i get a phone call. from my ex. aaron. it was a strange call, and i couldn't tell if he was on something, or if he was just SO freaked out from talking to me, that he couldn't hardly function. it was really weird, i have to admit. my heart was in my throat for a few minutes. i mean, who's wouldn't be? i hadn't talked to him in almost 3 years. he claims he was calling to see if my number still worked. but you know, if he just wanted to talk, i wish he would just say it. after knowing how "I" felt after the conversation, i think i can deal. i'm better.

him? ummm....i can't really openly comment on that. those close to me know how it made me feel. he was...trying to be tough; trying to put on this "lookit me, look how much BETTER and TOUGHER and UN-PUSSYLIKE i am without YOU in my life!" he was cursing every other word. he was prompting me to curse. he was drifting from subject to subject all throughout the conversation.

he was pushing SO HARD...to hurt me.

unfortunately, it still does. but it's that kind of hurt that just makes me sad that i've done people wrong. it made me pity him. i'm no longer living with the fallacy that he'll come back, that we're just on hiatus, that he'll see the error of his ways. that hope is gone.

but i can't help but miss who he was. i can't help but miss what we had. it was beautiful, and there was NEVER any denying it. but after my mom died, you could never deny i was in pain.

after that, my life was a blur of regret.

i'm ok now, though. i'm ok. i have a good job. i'm managing well. me and phil are on and off, but it's both of our choices. i'm struggling to reach nirvana, but it's a battle long-fought. i didn't get here overnight. my life is full of daily struggles and discoveries. it's a good life. it has great people. it could be much, much worse.

but it's not.

he kept pushing and pushing.
in a condescending tone, he says, "to be honest, i thought you'd be dead by now."
i said, "that hurts."
he responded, "oh, but i didn't mean anything by it."

he says, "i was worried about calling you. i was worried about what it would do to you."
i'm thinking, "you were hoping it would kill me? why else would you take that chance, if you're so concerned about my sanity?"

heather said, and everyone has agreed, he's just upset that i'm ok. he was hoping to find me dissolving into a puddle of tears and sorrow, just from the sound of his voice. somehow that enables him to lord over me, to feel powerful, that he was able to destroy this human who caused him to reinvent himself.

he said, "i hate myself. i hate that i'm not a superhero. i hate that i'm not invincible, infallible."

he has been changed. i've been changed. we've all changed. no one is ever the same. he's still beautiful to me, even though i don't know who he thinks he is...who he wants to be...in front of me, in front of his "friends". i'll always love him, no matter what he throws at me. i know who he was, all guards down. i don't need him to tell me, because i knew him before anyone. true, i'm partially at fault for who he's become. but after all was said and done, i did what he asked of me - i left him alone.

so, now what?

nothing. i'm here. i'm always here. i have good days, and i have bad days. but i'll always be here. i'll cry sometimes, and i'll laugh, although much more rarely. but i'm ok. and ok is better than i've been in a very long time. i'll never be completely over my mother's death. i'll never be completely over my divorce. i'll never feel that kind of pain again in my life. i'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

what am i going to do now?

i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever find the right one. not that i haven't met some good ones, some great ones, but not THE one. not yet. i don't know, if ever. i don't know if i'll have kids. like my friend paula said, i think i'm just a late bloomer. it's been a hard life for some of us. i've dragged a lot of people along in my wake. but i'm done for now. i'm not suffering. i'm good. i'm fine. i haven't cried in a long time, and for me, that's a reason to celebrate.

i have a lot of good things coming up, and i'm very excited. and you know what? i'm not dead, so there's still more to come.

i know you thought i'd be dead.

i'm not sorry to disappoint you.

i'm free.

bloring

i know my blog is boring. just full of words.

i'm hoping to spiff it up a little in the future, but it's a rare moment that i get to sit, uninterrupted, in front of my computer. i like some of the blogs that i've seen, where people actually share things they like, sites they visit, etc, and i hope to do the same. right now, my there's a thin line between attention and a nap. i'm doing a little better, healthwise, now, but i'll update on that later.

right now, i just feel like typing. stuff. whatever stuff.

OH! i AM going to have acupuncture done today, so i'm a tad nervous about that. i've had so many injections in my neck, this really shouldn't be a big deal. and i know the doc who's doing it, so i'm pretty sure he won't try to kill me. well...i mean, i hope he won't.

who knows? i might have cut him off in the parking lot, and that's why he's agreed to see me. well, we'll see. the only thing i feel capable of doing now is quoting shrek:

TGIF, eh, buddy?

**SIGH**

a feeling

the silence in the car was deafening. the negative pressure in my head sucked up the quiet, only because it had nowhere else to go. my head was filled with silence. it felt like if i screamed, nothing would happen. no sound. no echo. no response. it would be just a desperate motion for naught. i could even open the door and fall out of the car, onto the passing road, and still feel nothing. the tears poured down my cheeks, gushing out by their own free will, gathering on my chin, under my nose, but still i did nothing. i said nothing.

to delve, briefly...

i'm at work right now, and thankfully, we're having a "dead day." dead days to me mean no c-arm cases downstairs in surgery. i think i rested kinda ok last night, so i'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. either way, i'm glad to have the break. this means i'll be planted in front of the computer for the majority of the day.

enough of that, though - i don't want to talk about work right now. it's getting on my nerves. i'll be 3 in march, and my job is finally getting on my nerves. ok, NOT the job. just the people.

anyway. what's on my mind? aging. and love. both have clashed together in my brain, leaving behind a trail of complete and utter paranoia. with the way i feel, there's NO way in hell i'm ever going to "find someone". which in turn leaves me with never bearing children and having a loving family, something i've always wanted. i think i'd be an ok mommy.

i realize that i'm never going to be "myself" again, and that really sucks. i have a "me" in my brain that i've been constantly striving to reach, since my mom died. it was the good me. it was the active me. it was the fun and funny me. it was the me who didn't want to hide in a dark room all day and never move again. what is that? is it depression? it can't be - i'm already working on that, and i'm fine. i mean, i don't cry all the time anymore, like i used to, after the divorce.

but i still feel a void. i feel personally meaningless. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, and frankly, that's really annoying to me. as lazy as i am, i have a certain amount of inborn proactivity inside me. i think that's one reason i started getting so addicted to change. i'd change jobs, i'd change apartments, i change moods all the time. it has to be some sort of life-altering upheaval in order for me to be content. it's part of what destroyed me and what has remade me. i hate who i am, though, so how do you change?

well, first off, i've gotten really involved in my own health. my physical self isn't well. the pain within my body is something that no one else can see nor detect. so, i'm subjecting myself to new doctors, TONS of labwork, tests, xrays, mri's, drug studies, to see if i can find that one thing that can halt this...this whatever it is. i have a pretty good idea of what i think it is, but i'm not even saying anything until a real, certified DOCTOR tells me so first. my body is in constant grueling pain. i wish i was exaggerating, but i'm not. in fact, i've gotten to the point where i understate how i feel. but that's not important. what is important is that i can get back to zero; i have to start to feel kinda neutral/normal again. once i'm out of the woods on that, then i can focus more on the inner me. right now, my pain interferes with my sleep, which screws with my work, which does NOTHING for my self-esteem, and of course, i'm not dating.

phil and i are seeing each other again, but we've decided to leave it open and unlabelled for now. i don't really feel like talking about that, either. it's kind of...weird. but i'm still open to dating/hanging out, and i'm always keeping my options open. but how can i when my self-esteem is at rock bottom? i mean, who wants to date a chick who's in chronic pain? yeah, me neither.

BLAH. i hate talking about boring, yucky, boring things.

i've been less introspective and haven't been writing as much, so i think that's not so good. i tend to feel better when i ________ . yeah, you could put just about anything in that blank, and it would work. "eat lots of doughnuts." "run maniacally through the hospital with an open sharps container full of dirty needles." but not things like, "club baby seals," or "fish."

i keep telling myself i'm going to go to that ridiculous gym at my complex, but the only person i'm lying to is myself. *sigh* maybe i'll go today. there, now i've lied to everyone who reads this. plus, i spend $15/month for the uab gym, and i've been as many times as i can count on two fingers. shit. i should just go, right? but, who the HELL wants to go work out, after you've been at work all day? i've tried to fool myself into not using the term "WORK out," but instead replacing it with the positive term "exercising!" and guess what? i've still only been two times. because that's exactly what i want to do - my body's already IN pain, so i want to work it out enough to the point that when i wake up the next day, i find i can no longer move. i'm in complete stasis, lactic acid coursing through my muscles. yeah. great. then, i'll have to do the whole brian regan "calling an ambulance for myself" routine.

alright, there's like a ton of stuff i want to post about, but my R wrist is back in it's little splint-thingie. it's hurting again today (naw, really???), and i tried to make it better by working through it yesterday = not a good idea.

so, hopefully more later. or not. hell, with the way things are going, i could be abducted by a vicious pack of beavers, only to later become their queen, and live my life out on the river, constructing damns (Freudian slip) against the will of humans. someone will probably shoot and stuff me, and i'll end up perched in a steak house somewhere around the states, with a permanent snarl on my face, leering over an infant's head, causing her to cry. kinda like that giant bear from hal's hungry bear. i always felt sorry for him. as if his life wasn't hard enough, his afterlife REALLY sucked.

"yeah, i was a bear for a while, foraging in the wild, forced to pit myself against mother nature, fighting other packs of wild animals in order to acquire food and survive. after that, i went on to live at a shoney's, wearing various party hats according to the holidays and promoting such items as the 'double decker hamburger' and the 'sunday afternoon blue plate special.'"

cripes, i have opposable thumbs, and i'm STILL bitching about finding the "right guy."

i'm retarded.

Currently Reading:
Mount Misery
By Samuel Shem, MD
Release date: 01 July, 2003

and

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
By Lewis Carroll
Release date: 12 December, 2000