Hurting hurts

I hate the ends of things. I hate demise. I hate breaking up. I hate hurting people. I hate it. It makes me hate myself. And, I should. And, I do.

He's not a bad guy. And, he was trying. I just lost my connection. Or, was there ever one?

I don't know, but GOD, I HATE HURTING PEOPLE.

I feel like throw up. Like, the actual emesis, not the action. Okay, well, I feel like throwing up, too. A lot.

I know everyone always says life isn't easy, but why not? Why the hell can't we have some easy? When feelings get involved, you're just embroiled in a bitter battle to see who can come out on top. Not me. I don't ever want to come out on top of someone else's feelings. But, I just parked my car on his.

Babe, I'm so sorry. I really think it's best that you get out now, while you still can. I care about you enough to do this for you.

I need to get better - I need to BE better. I have no inspiration. I'm sitting in the bed, as I type this, which is where I've been for the past three months.

I have a job, now. It's part-time. I work with Jack's trainer, Ralph, but I'm basically just a kennel worker, so it's really hard work. The bright side is, I HAVE A JOB. I WON'T be sitting at home for three out of the seven days of the week. And, I get paid for hanging around dogs and letting them get poop and urine and slobber on me. I'm okay with that. I got an email from St. Vincent's yesterday, saying the position I had applied for had been filled. Not that I expected anything more. Although I plan on keeping up my registry, I have a feeling I'm done with medicine. What's in store for me, for the future? I haven't a clue.

Right now, I'm not feeling any love from the universe, but that's understandable.

FUCK. The thing is, I DO care about Cris! I DO. But, there's a piece missing, or there's a wedge between us, and I'm SO NOT HAPPY. I wish I could fix it. I really do. I care about him so much. I just want to take care of everyone. I wish everyone could just hug and cuddle and be happy, for no reason other than the fact that love exists, and we're capable of giving as well as receiving.

God, I feel shitty. We had a really rough Thanksgiving week, and I'm pretty sure that's what sealed the deal for me. Last week was okay, but I felt like I was just being completely rejecting of who he really is, since he only wants to express emotion on stage. I'm done with trying to fucking change people. I just want to find someone whom I can accept and help build up.

Basically, what this shit all boils down to is:

It's not you, it's me.

And, it really is.

I hate being me, more than I could ever possibly express to anyone on this earth. If it didn't feel like I was living with insides made out of scrambled eggs (brain, included), it might be easier. But, I'm so fucking conflicted with every decision I make, there's nothing I can hold tight to. Hell, I can't even choose cold medicine with ANY confidence.

Mom, why did you have to raise me like this, then leave? You know how much this sucks? Thanks for at least giving me our family to fall back on and sending friends who are real friends. If it wasn't for certain people in my life, I have no idea where I'd be. Throw a dart at a map of life - that's where I'd be. Anyway, I'm totally mad at you right now, for not raising me to be a proper adult. But, just so you know, if you were here, I'd totally have moved home and be living there now. So, maybe it's for the best. But, thanks for loving me unconditionally (although, sometimes it seems like I was pushing those "unconditions," huh? Sorry about that...). I miss you. I'm sure I wouldn't take your advice, since I'm your daughter, but I could totally wear you out in the hug department. Send some hugs my way, eh? I'm having a bad day.

And, so goes my life. On. For whatever reason. I know, TECHNICALLY, we're supposed to be patient, to whatever plans God is going to reveal to us. But, I'm getting antsy. I can't continue to live my life with a throat full of acid. I miss those super-boring days I'd come home from work to - ugh - the attic, and I'd have NOTHING to do and NO ONE to impress, and I'd just pass out, or watch tv, or surf. It was just me and the girls. At least I wasn't hurting anyone. (Well, except for that time Jammy found and ate one of my klonopins. Yeah, talk about feeling like a JERK.)

Cris, I'm sorry. This is lame and cliché, but I do care about you, and I do hope we can be friends. I'm still your biggest fan, and I think you're a wonderful person. You're just meant for someone else, and not for me. I wish you were. You're a really great person. You're fun and caring and active and adventurous and beautiful...I could go on. I hope one day you can forgive me. But, right now, I need to work on me. And, I don't have the resources. Soon, though...

You still mean the world to me. Thank you for being here for me. You've helped me so much, and I will forever be thankful that I met you. I am unconditionally your friend.

I'm going to lay down. My head is killing me from thinking and crying and throwing up and all that nonsense.

I hope everyone is well. And, I hope to be posting more and better soon. I can feel change coming in my life - I'm just not sure what it is. Thanks for being there. Thanks for reading. Thanks for thoughts and prayers, be you atheistic or Christian (and everything in between). I love all my friends, no matter who you are. You guys are awesome and incredible. I'd have nothing without you. ♥