I threw up when I got to work this morning. No surprise, though, because I didn't sleep at all last night - just listened to the storm and tried to figure things out.
Waiting to hear back from doc, whether he can see me today or not. My message was pretty pitiful and crybaby-ish. I hate being a crybaby. I hate crying. I hate being sad at all. Or angry, or mad, or any of that. They're sucky emotions, and they cause you to hurt people.
But, no one really cares right now. I'm just making it all up. Surprise! These past ten years were all a guise! I'm not REALLY a victim of this so-called "chronic depression," that psychs obviously made up to get your money.
It doesn't matter so much that I have my good days - what matters is that I'm a horrid bitch when I have my bad ones. Yeah - I got all that. Well, I don't really need people who aren't going to listen to me, especially when I'm trying to explain myself and my frustration. Guess what? Me talk no good when my mess up like dis, hokay? Sometimes me get confused and say wrong thing.
I'VE DISCOVERED THE PROBLEM.
I STILL HAVE THE PROBLEM.
I'M MAKING STEPS TO CORRECT THE PROBLEM.
Does anyone give a damn? Not a bit.
But, everyone gets tired of "your shit" after a while. I can't say I blame them. But, you know what? I'm still me, no matter what happens. Even though I go through this, I'm still me. And, when I'm me, I STILL HAVE THIS.
I just REVEL in being depressed and singing my sorrows. You'd think, right? Yeah. No, I don't.
Think it's all about me? Right now, you're fucking right it is. My main concern is getting out of this hole. It's REALLY, REALLY frustrating getting pushed back in. Just when I think I've come leaps and bounds, SOMEthing has to happen. And, I fight so hard. I know few people believe me or even care, but if this was the one thing that stood between you and being the person you know you're supposed to be, you'd get a tad upset, too. I'm sorry - or so I assume.
I rarely ask for help. I'm not even asking for help, now. I can do this - completely on my own. Just ONCE, though, I'd like to find someone who is stronger than me, someone who knows me for ME, can help me, can recognize the signs, even before I can, someone who cares about ME, no matter how many bad days I have, who can find the gall and the patience to stand by my side, even when I AM at my very worst.
But, I won't put myself on anyone. I refuse to be a burden to anyone else. And, those of you who have had it, see ya. Sorry it didn't work out, but I'm always going to be me. And, I MIGHT sink into another depression. And, it's not going to be convenient for ANYONE. BUT IT'S PART OF MY MAKEUP.
EVERY, SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY HAS BEEN ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. IT'S IN MY GENETICS. I ACTUALLY HAVE A PROPENSITY FOR BECOMING DEPRESSED. I DON'T BE THIS WAY BECAUSE I "WANT TO!"
Nevermind. It doesn't make any sense to someone who doesn't experience chronic depression. Because once you're out of it, it's hard to even imagine becoming that way again. One time, I felt that. But, here I am. Depressed AND alone (um, in my head).
Hey, what doesn't kill us makes us crazier, right?