growing old sucks

i'm up from a nap, just to lay down again. i haven't been on, nor have i been communicating, because i really haven't been well. i DON'T know what's wrong, but it's all through my body, and it's been going on for months.

so, sometimes the pain makes me throw up, and that and my rapidly plunging self-esteem tends to make me a little unsociable. if it's extraneous (talking on the phone) or my life doesn't depend on it (bathing), it's not going to get done.

i have lots of doc's appts and tests coming up, so i'm actually thankful. i have a friend who's a surgeon, and he's really been trying to help me out through this rough time. he's given me samples of different meds to see if they work, but so far, we're coming up dry.

i'm really, really sorry to everyone out there who might, in SOME way, be relying on me. i swear to GOD that this isn't in my head. it's all over my body. and it hurts and i don't like it at all. my entire life has come to a standstill, aside from working, which nearly kills me every single day, but i have no other alternative.

just to let you know, i'm still alive. just not in a functional shape right now.


radiation = psychosis


i haven't posted in a while.

i'm sorry.

*things haven't been so good, health-wise, with me, but i think i'm finally getting a handle on things (more on that later). other than that, everything else is fine.

*my family is good - i miss them like crazy, though. i haven't been out there in what seems like ages.

*my finances are finally ironing themselves out, thank God, although i'm still chronically poor.

*work is ok, except that i finally have concluded, on this very day, that every person in this building is a crazy, whacked-out f*'r, who doesn't know the difference between a bad day and complete, all-out psychosis which requires treatment and/or tranquilizers - and for once, i'm not referring to myself.

i know now that everyone else here is a nutjob to the infinite degree, and the only reason I'M on meds is because everyone else needs to change their f*'d up attitudes but won't...ever. so, i'm being forced to take meds in order to compensate for THEIR lack of sanity, in order to keep from losing mine. i'm not talking about my same problem child, sheryl, although she is back to her regular shit. i mean the WHOLE lot of them, especially up here in my department.

these people are complete whackadoos - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - they're just flat-out f*'d up.

and you have NO idea how much better i feel now that i can say that. i now owe myself about $1000 for one hell of a session and a vacation because i deserve it.

you know what it is? it's because i have this horrible phobia of radiation, so i'm ALWAYS geared up in my lead, virtually from head to toe. no other person really gives a crap, so they walk all through the room with no protection. it's the radiation. i'm radiating these people into insanity.

this job is so f*'g cool. &=)

we'll talk more later.........i got stuff to do.


i don't feel so well *urp*

let me tell you why i feel super-gross today.

i took my meds last night - perfectly fine, but the pharmacist wasn't lying, when he said that hydrocodone syrup dries you out. i lost all salivatory abilities from my mouth down to my stomach, and i was afraid i was going to start coughing up dried crap. so, i was miserable all night, not from gagging up giant, thick, green and somewhat already solidified lugies, as went the past two weeks, but from the lack of moisture in the air...and my body. so, i tossed and turned and had rancid dreams about stupid stuff, so i slept a total of about 3 hours last night. as always, once i finally got comfortable and settled in, it was time to wake up. of course.

so, i woke up, ran around getting ready (i had overslept about 10 min), and as i grabbed my bag and keys off the counter and went for the door, my stomach plummeted. i felt the most nauseating sensation in about 3 seconds flat that i've ever felt...ever. this was totally different than the amoebic dysentery - with that, i felt pain. with this, i felt so sick that i thought vomit was going to shoot out of my ears. i started getting chills and sweating, my ears were ringing, and my mouth started watering. once that happened, i knew i was about to lose it. so i ran in the bathroom, stripped off my jacket and hung over the potty - like this: &=O.


so, i let about 5 mins go by, the wave passes, i get up, redress and head for the door.

*BAM* it hits again.

this time, i'm on the floor, on my hands and knees, praying that this one would just pass. it didn't pass as quickly, so i sat there, while the girls circled me like vultures closing in on the carcass. i kept shooing them away - "no, mom's not dead yet. leemmelone." finally, i was able to gain enough sense again to make it to the car. i was fine the whole way to work, until i got out of the car.

*BLAM-O* it was bad this time. i pitched over onto the ground and started hocking up as much stuff as i could, to try to psych my brain out of thinking i felt sick. thank god i was running late today, or i would have made quite a scene.

...or did i?

i started walking to the stairwell, when my stomach just said, "to hell with this." i actually FELT my food move back UP through my small intestines, back into my stomach, and up through my chest. i fell over right at the stairwell and emptied my not-so-nearly digested green olive pizza, from last night, on to the ground, in the parking deck, right next to the stairwell.

i made it inside, tears streaming down my face, and managed to choke down some generic sprite shit, that i've been able to keep down for the rest of the day. heather said she thinks it's the levaquin the doc put me on for my bronchitis. i don't think i've ever taken it, and it's really, really strong. omg, i need my momma right now. *blech*

and no, i'm NOT pregnant, but thanks for thinking i'm still desireable.

once it left my mouth, though, i could no longer be held responsible. just watch where you're stepping, ok?

what has two thumbs & likes germs?

current mood: drugged

THIS chickie! that's who!


that called for some of that inter-web jargon!

i can do some sick! let me just tell you, about 3 weeks ago, i had the flu, which was fortunately somewhat deterred by my flu shot and my doctor's prompt and hasty diagnosis and prescription of tamiflu.
but now, i have graduated (or been demoted, depending on your pov) to severe acute bronchitis!

i told him i've been sick (post-flu) since dec 27 and that i TRIED to keep from coming in, but i pretty much just took off work and suffered for as long as i possibly could.
his response:

"stop doing that."

yeah, well, you know, you're like, a DOCTOR and stuff, and i figure you want to see real patients. SICK patients.

apparently, he's just as happy seeing me - a constantly afflicted hypochondriac. but, if you're actually SICK, does that still make you a hypochondriac? something to ponder while you're sitting on the potty today.


anyway, news item #2....the circus is in town.

*big grey cloud settles over the city*

as much as i'd like to stay on and harp about THAT shit, i just want to remind you all that i'm still a benign, YET SOMEWHAT ACTIVE member of peta. *cue psycho shower music*

so, if you go to the circus, i'll see you there. i'll be the one standing outside with all the "propaganda" as to why you SHOULDN'T be doing what you're doing, in hopes that maybe YOU'LL lay awake that night and stress about something you really have no control over, instead of me, for once. i've already had those dreams that i had again last year, about people throwing meat on me in drive-bys (no, NOT drive-thrus). you know, it's never hard to keep doing what i do for the animals, and it's NEVER hard for me to keep caring. but i'll be damned if it's hard as hell to stay my hand from popping a complete stranger in the windpipe with my fist.

"his windpipe hit me first. i swear."

ok, i have to lay down. my hydrocodone is taking effect, and i'm about to have to take a nap in the hallway. plus, jezzy just got out, so i must corral her before she gets her third wind.

more laters.


who i'm starting out as in 2007

i feel like there's something plaguing me. i can't tell whether it's good or bad, but you know, sometimes this is the only way i can get things out. i feel like there's something on my mind, something i should say, but i can't really pinpoint it.

god, you know apoplectic i can be, but it's just who i am, and i'm not going to change. i'm never going to change. not for anyone, for any reason. i just want to find someone who's concerned about me. in that, i will always return the thought.

but, i know i'm not getting any younger, and i still don't know where my life is going. all i know is that i want to find someone who loves me for exactly who i am, quirkiness, spastic behavior and all. i want to find someone who inspires me and for whom i can do the same. i want someone who is able to develop goals, be them large or small, both aside from me and with me, and is able to reach those goals. i want someone who isn't happy with mediocrity and always wants to strive for better.

i'm just spouting off the things that come to mind, when someone asks, "what do you want?"

when aaron and i were together, i used to think our relationship was harmful, because we were so dependent upon each other. we loved each other so deeply, that being apart would physically hurt. i tried to make it out like it was some kind of hindrance for me and my development (in other words, i couldn't whore myself around like i wanted to, when i finally started "freeing" myself *rolls eyes*). now, i know that's the only way i want to be in love. i want my entire life to revolve around that person, and i want him to want the same. we don't have to BE the same person, but i'd like to want the same things out of life.

thoughts unfinished........