How to break a heart in 3 days

Eventually, this will stop happening.

Eventually, I'll have to stop doing this to myself.

What - feeling? Stop...feeling? Stop...opening yourself up? Stop everyone ELSE from breaking your heart? Will I suddenly become a better judge of my life overnight? Will I magically stop making mistakes?

Naturally, that's not going to happen.

My breath of fresh air was snuffed out before it was even fully realized.

Wait. No. I take that back. I realized it. It was just laced in deception, as it usually is.

It didn't mean to be, though. It's just that whole "wrong place, wrong time/right place, wrong time/right thing, wrong universe" bullshit that gets me EVERY FUCKING TIME. There's not ONE FUCKING TIME IN THE LAST TEN MISERABLE FUCKING YEARS that this hasn't come out of the blue and struck me from the sky.

Greener? Where?
I don't know that I care anymore.

Trust me - it will happen, though.
"One last time, Jen. Just ONE LAST TIME. Put yourself out there. Put your heart on the line. This is IT, yo. THIS. IS. IT. This is the time that's going to put all those other times to some hardcore shame. This is going to be so beautiful, you're already wondering how you've lived without it."

Can we give me a break? Please? Can we possibly stop bending me over and fucking me? Can we just ASSUME for one brief moment that I, TOO, am a human being, with feelings and the like? Let's play the whole "would you want someone to do this to you?" game. I'm already well-aware of the fact that there is no ONE perfect human being for every ONE person on this earth.

(I already played that game and lost miserably. I had the perfect one, and I stomped that fucker's heart into the ground. Then, I had the next best thing, and I just threw that one to the wolves, without even flinching. Let's just pretend I REMEMBER ALL OF THAT, EVERY, SINGLE DAY, and that I've learned a few things from all of this...)

But, Jesus-God Almighty.......CAN I BORROW ONE??????? ONE OF THE FUCKING 6.8 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE KNOWN WORLD???? I'm not looking for adoration from thousands, or even hundreds...hey, not even tens! Just one. ONE. Is that too much to ask? Is it just not the right time? Can someone just TELL ME it's not the right time? Can we make this a little more obvious? You guys KNOW I'm not into reading signs and signals and all that bullshit. In fact, I HATE it. I need forthrightness and honesty. I need integrity and forgiveness. I need one goddamn person to be on the level with me...FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

And, I think it's BULLSHIT for people to have to "LEARN" to be okay on their own. I think it's OKAY for people to need other people. For the love of Christ, it's how God intended us to be. There's a reason we PAIR UP. There's a reason for all that loneliness and attraction and dating and hugs and looking forward to seeing one person above EVERYONE ELSE.

If I could just stop fucking it up, when I get it.

And, I was going to do it right this time.
I was going to do right by everyone.
But, deception is a whore, and she gets me every goddamn time.
The prospect of an ultimate love never fails to cloud my vision and blind me in shining hope.

I was blinded. You hurt me, TERRIBLY.

Yet, it's going to take me immense energies (that I don't have) and a very long time (that I don't want to give) to get past this, where you don't consume my every thought.

A stranger.
The unnamed.
The runner on the trail.

For the first time in three days, I went a whole 24 hours without seeing him, and it physically hurt.

God, I've GOT to stop giving of myself freely. I HAVE to. It's chipping away at my already feeble psyche.

I guess I should start making people try harder.

That's it. I'm throwing down the gauntlet for a relationship. If you want to talk to me, you have to pass through the fiery pits of hell. Not because I have anything against you, per se. But, because I can't keep letting people take and take. I've only recently come back from being a shell of a human being. Let's not help perpetuate that. It's not healthy - for me, and I can assure you that it will cause me to make YOUR life a living hell, albeit inadvertently.

Tip for the n00bs, FROM the experienced:
DON'T talk to someone else, if you're already in a relationship, no matter how troubled it may be. No amount of justification will make it right - I CAN ASSURE YOU. Man the fuck up and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Don't be a Godzilla in someone else's life. PRETEND that you give a shit about anyone else's feelings aside from your own. Don't be a selfish bastard. Remember that they have people attached to them as well, who could get hurt in your wake.

It doesn't mean that I always make the right decisions - I don't, and I haven't. I'm STILL learning (although you'd think 32 years of fucking things up might give you a slight idea about what's going on - it doesn't).

I want so badly to be angry at him. But, I can't.


And, I won't.
It's no longer part of my nature.

I just wish I could have guided him to a safe place, possibly been a better example, since I've been where he is. But, it was me, putting myself out on the line, just that one last time.

And, for three glorious days, it was magnificent.

And, despite what I'm currently going through, I was happier than I'd been in a really long time.

Back to life, though, huh? Back into the dank, shit-filled pit of the world of being alone. Sorry I stayed gone for so long, Loneliness. I'm sure you missed me.

Wish I could say the same............................................................


Exercise IS good for something

I met the most fascinating creature on Vulcan Trail yesterday.

It was a man.

And, he's incredible.

I hope to be able to tell you more about him, but I suppose time will tell, huh? &=)

For the record, first HOT guy who's ever semi-approached me (I was running, and he stopped me) and asked me out. (Let me reiterate and ENFORCE this: I did not FALL ONTO him, I didn't fall over the bridge on the trail and into the woods, and I didn't even have to feign a broken ankle to get him to stop and help me. HE stopped ME. *grins proudly*)

These things don't happen to me. Am I finally back in the favor of the universe? As much as I kid about God hating me, I don't actually think that He does. But, I do think my "planet" might be going through an asteroid field right now.

I'll tell you this: he has a secret job and the most incredible eyes.


Okay, enough of this girlish behavior. I have the ass of life to kick.

You might want to back up for this.

Eh, a sidenote, I quit Joe's. I just couldn't go back. I've never, in my life, just stopped going to a job. But, after last night...I just couldn't. I got OUT of an oppressive environment to get back into another one. That's a no-go. I will bend this world to function on my terms.

Sorry, world, but you're going to have to be a little nicer to me than that.

Love ya'll. Here's some huggies to get you through your individual rough days - God knows we all need them - and each other.


As the cards bend and fold, the house will crumble

Emily sent a note out, saying Ang had put in her 2 weeks (actually 3 weeks) notice at the warehouse. Turns out, Jerry is giving her 1 week and having her work only half days. This is so typical of him. Also, Bongo texted me and said she had gotten fired, because she had taken vacation and not told Jerry (but I'm pretty sure Ang, HER supervisor, knew). This is just his way of "cleaning house," and getting new people in there who have no clue what's going on, God love them.

On the upside, Ken sent this, and it's been very inspiring to read (over and over, again):

"This is indeed very good news. She will be very difficult to replace. I would say that this is the beginning of the end of , at least with Jerry Spencer at the helm. I hold the vision that a new organization will grow out of the ashes. We have the passion. We have the talent. We have the integrity. We have the vision. We have the customers. We have the farmers. We have all of the creative genius we need to accomplish anything we set out to create. We shall not fail.

The universe supports us in our commitment to right livelihood and making the planet a more sustainable and regenerative place to live. Let go and enjoy the process. Know that we are being supported on all levels and that this is our time. We
are the change that we've been waiting for!

Mediocrity is not an option as we move into the new planetary paradigm and manifest the Garden of Eden. The kingdom of heaven within and without is unfolding before our eyes."

THIS is why I choose to keep going.

Just let me vent...

I just need to type. I'm hoping this will turn into a relevant post of some sort, but then, I may end up dumping it, just like I've done with so many of them in the past.

Plus, I'm typing on Mark's computer, and I hate this tiny thing...well, mainly just for typing. It's like typing on a fucking Listerine breath strip. It's tiny and delicate, buuuuut I don't actually think it smells like that.

Anyway, I've been talking to this guy, Chad, and he's such a nice guy (get this - FROM HUNTSVILLE. Eh, you win some, you REALLY lose some). Sometimes I don't know how I should go about mentioning people from my life in my blog. But, only I really know who I'm talking about. There are times it matters, but there are times where it's so obscure and irrelevant, because it could only apply to one of two people in my life - and those are only meaningful to me.

Ha, I just realized that I was automatically typing for my blog. &=D Weirdy-o.

So, I've been thinking about my li'l CSA. And, I've been thinking about my writing. And, I've been thinking about my love of helping and loving. And I've been wondering where all this is leading. Semi-recently (days, maybe?),I've come into the moderate maturation that money (alliteration - hmmm) is never going to be okay in my life. As much as I strive and press to pay off my monetary debt to society, and it's societal dictators, it doesn't really mean anything. It's not going to make my friends or family love me any less (although, if I don't stop borrowing, I may not have any friends left - SORRY, GUYS!) It's not going to cause people to decide against attending my funeral: "Well, I'd go, buuuut she had REALLY bad credit." It's definitely not going to stop me at the gates of Heaven ("Credit check? Are you serious?"), although they may be SHOVING me through the gates of Hell.

My mom and I struggled with money my whole life. From the time I was "old enough" (I'm talking like 8), I would get paid for various things I'd do around the paper. She was already instilling in me that incredibly dedicated work ethic, with which I could insure my independence.

*Incidentally, and you might want to spot-clean those rose-colored glasses, while I mention this, but it feels so good to finally be able to type, when I'm stoned. I keep missing out on some of the incredibly instrospective shit, that helps me come to terms with different total CRAP in my life. This isn't like Jerry's fucking "I have led an amazing life" speech. (And, to my family member who ALWAYS gives me crap for this, YES, me use smart words AND me use dirty words. GET. OVER. IT.)

This is more along the lines of helping me cope with some of the really tough things I'm going through. Granted, Mark's beloved stepfather, Pawpaw, is hanging on to his last delicate, gossammar strand of life, as I type this; my friend Tommy's best friend's mom (ha - that strand of people made me laugh) has cancer and is currently fighting for her life; and my friends Tina's and Emily's dads just had their own personal battles to remain of this world. Makes this whole Jerry-fucking-Alabama-and-you-over thing seem kinda trite.

And, that's what makes me wonder why I should still follow through with this.

I think it's because I keep thinking of our 800+ customers, so many personal relationships I'd developed with so many wonderful people. I keep thinking of Jerry Marsh and Juan and Robert and Dulsey Hamlett and the cheese lady... I keep thinking about the employees who are STILL THERE, that I love dearly, who are still suffering at that "job." I keep thinking of sitting in Tina's office, all excited, breathlessly talking to her about finding some way to go out into local poor parts of the community and being able to lift those people up - OUR people. I think about Patty's idea to get everyone linked, and Ken's idea to be able to get everything from within fifty miles of your home; keeping all that money in our state, helping lift the people out of poverty, improving the lives and relationships of scores of people around the state and, possibly, the country. I even think of Ang's sweet face, how excited she always was, when she would do the weekly video.

I actually dream of doing better.

I'm being tossed around like a cliché plastic sack in an American Beauty wind. It makes me tired, thinking about what possibly lay ahead of me. I don't mind working, but THIS? This NIGHTMARE? I'd give anything for this part to be over and done with (nope, not settling, by the by, so don't bother offering). Di said it was vengeance, but it's not. I feel like people should know. If you're going to support a corrupt product or organization, then, by all means, go ahead. But, be COMPLETELY AWARE of what it is you're supporting. Be FULLY INFORMED about the product, or the person who runs it, or where your money's going. Even *I'M* not that informed, but after this, I'm definitely going to be more careful. It's hard for me to work at Joe's Crab Shack...not that they're corrupt. But, let's just say, coming out of the medical field and going into the service industry - YIKES. *runs to the bathroom to wash hands YET again*

Even in medicine, whenever I had a patient come in,who was either unhappy with us or another doctor, I ALWAYS encouraged them to seek a second opinion. I wish we'd done that with Mom. Not that she'd still be here, but at least maybe her illness and suffering wouldn't have been so traumatic and painful.

As a sidenote, like Chad said, when Jerry tells people he gave himself cancer by working too hard, it's TOTAL disrespect to the people who still HAVE cancer. I want to tell him, "No, YOU have cancer, because God knows you're a horrible person, and you deserve to die a shitty, suffering death."

Okay, no, that's probably not it (he's a chronic smoker). Not all bad people get cancer, and, obviously, not all people who get cancer are bad - but sometimes, it totally goes right, in the case of Jerry. Thankfully, I don't think he's ever gone into remission. Chide me for saying that, but there's only been one other person whose death I've celebrated. Let me vent. Doesn't make it right. Just means you're too sensitive to be ON MY BLOG READING THIS GOODBYE. I understand the differences between right and wrong, and you don't have to like the roundabout way I come to my conclusions. But, step the fuck off. I don't come up in your house or your Facebook and tell YOU what to do.

Plus, and I know some of you have noticed this, this whole Jerry thing has really caused me to lose respect in a LOT of people. Unfortunately, it's causing me to turn INTO those people. Thankfully, though, I think it's just temporary (God, I hope so - anger doesn't suit me). I'm over having people push me around. I'm done with other people telling me how it's going to be. I'm past the point of letting other people talk down to me, the way they feel is appropriate, when I highly disagree. I AM DONE WITH THIS PART OF MY LIFE. I may be slightly passive aggressive (I hate this quality in ANYONE), because I don't care for confrontation, but if there was a problem, yo', I'll solve it. Check out the hook, while my DJ revolves it.


Break it up, hey?

I like to fix problems, if I know there's one. This is why Joe's is driving me crazy. The second day I shadowed, one of the supers brought us in the back and totally REAMED us about talking shit about each other (which we weren't). I'd mentioned something about the fact that my trainer, who, incidentally, was some punk-ass high school kid - yay - was being really rude to me (which was highly unnecessary), and she totally ripped us all new ones, saying, "we don't talk shit about each other, and if you do, then you won't be working here." They TOTALLY talk shit about each other - ALL THE TIME. I know all of who hates everyone else and why, and he NEVER does his sidework, and ohmigod, she's such a bitch, and what kind of idiot does it take to be a hostess? JESUS. H. CHRIST. It started the DAY I came in the fill out paperwork.

There's a reason that I get along better with the Mexicans than I do anyone else - I CAN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE SAYING. And, I'm sure I probably don't want to know. Plus, they're a whole lot nicer. And, there's always that possibility that it's because I'm a chick, but AT LEAST THEY'RE NICE.

God. SEE??? This is what I'm always getting at - ALWAYS. With me, you'll get SOOOOOOOOO much farther with being nice. Being a dick gets you nothing. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! And, being a bitch for an extended period of time will more than likely get you a swift kick in the pussy. We've ALL seen that happen.


I'm tired. My writings these days are nothing more than inane stream-of-consciousness ramblings of a very tired and very full mind. There's no subject and really no point. Just getting it out. Just recording it for later, since I have this NEED to save things. (God, of all the things to change on me, take away my desperate need to save the past!)

I'm going to lay down. Chad and I have been texting, and I haven't gotten a text back in a few minutes, so I'm assuming he's wound himself deep in his new, furry blanket from Marshall's and fallen into a deep, comfortable, well-earned slumber.

I hope to soon follow suit.

Only problem with smoking, though - it makes me think WAY TOO HARD about cookies (don't judge me).

I love you, cookies (I said, don't judge me).

And, I love you, people. &=)

So much to be done, but for now, I rest.


Love through text

*Hey, the formatting and pics are all botched, but I'm posting the text anyway. I'll have to fix everything later. Please return at a later time for a more pleasurable reading experience.*

It's always been rather hard to communicate effectively through text.

Every once in a while, though, I get something where I can actually feel the feelings pouring through the phone.

Last night, Cory tried to call me, to talk, after he found out what happened, and I pressed ignore and texted, "I can't talk to you right now, because if I open my mouth, I'm going to start crying. Sorry." He immediately texted back with, "ohhhhh, I LOVE YOU!," then again with, "It's okay. Just know I love you."

Saved those.

When I was getting ready to start my job at Joe's, my aunt, Amy, texted me and said, "Just telling you good luck about the new job...I want you to get on your feet a little and then find something you really want to do - not these kind of jobs you get just to get by. But, I totally understand - I'm just proud of you for pushing through and making SOMETHING happen instead of someone else doing everything for you and you know who the people are I'm talking about!!!" I was bawling when I read that, and I texted her back and told her how I still feel like a scared little girl, without her mama. She came back with, "Mama or not, you're a grown woman who has a mind and a heart and you're making decisions that keep you going and keep you real! Not in that fantasy world of someone else taking care of you because you're down and out! You will turn it all around and with your writing ability, you'll probably write a book soon!!!"

That last part made me laugh. &=) But, yes, I saved all of those.

I still have one saved from her, from October 17, 09, that I look at all the time, that simply says (txt jargon and all), "Luv u 2- ttys! :-X"

I don't know what pulls me to one person or another. The ability to relate? The magnetism of their realness? I haven't a clue.

I've been dealing with lots of issues, which all seem to have been heaped up on my head recently: the attack, the job stuff, things going on within my blessed family, things with friends, past and present, several breakups, and a LOT of letting go of the past. Strangely enough, the past seems to stay wrapped around my ankles, like a lover pleading for you to stay...just a little longer.

It just so happens that I have an incredible group of friends, as well as the most awesome family on earth. Every individual person I know has had some kind of impact on me. It's usually positive, but if it ever turns negative, unfortunately, that's something I don't think I'm able to deal with at this point, so I have to turn them away. I hate doing that, but I'm pretty sure we're all in agreement here when I say that everyone doesn't get along with everyone.
Hell, we weren't meant to. It would be nice and be MY personal fantasy, to heal the world with militant, renegade huggies. But, as loving as I am (or have the ability to be, when I'm not mentally stretched like a rubber band), I'm also a realist.

Life is a bitch.

At this point, with all the uncertainty that lies out there, with all the problems we're all encountering, I think the best thing we can do at this point is just hold on to each other for dear life. If you find someone who brings you down too much or doesn't seem to fit you, let them go. Please. For their sake, and for your sanity. They'll find someone. We all do.

But, the people you DO have, remember who they are, and actually sit and figure out why that person is so special to you. THOSE are the people you cling to. I may be independent on my own, but I'm completely and proudly codependent with the people I love. MY love and devotion isn't anything to brag about. But, I consider myself to be a very picky and discerning person, when it comes to relationships that I want to pursue. I never just walk up to someone (like Cory), and basically demand for them to be my friend. Even Heather and I had to be introduced, go out on a date, act coy and flirt like little girls...and when I ended up in rehab, and she showed up, with a card and hugs in tow, I knew she was meant to be my best friend.

A lot of the people I know have social problems or vexations (me, obviously). Something I've come to understand and hold on to like a life raft is, you have to make your feelings known. If you love someone, tell them. If they take it the wrong way, they're the weirdo. &=P If you feel like hugging someone, do it, sexual harassment be damned (although, this should not be attempted on strangers or new friends who haven't been properly felt out). &=) But, obviously, if these are the people who know and love you, so of course, those things won't be problems. Tear down walls. Stop putting up walls. Surround yourself with people whom you love and want to emulate. BE who you want to be - not who someone expects you to be. Love people, and let them love you. Just choose wisely for yourself. If something doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to. Don't stress about it. But, always remember, as fucked up as other people are, there's always room for improvement within your own life. Just fill your life full of people who are willing to accept you just as you are, even while knowing you're constantly changing. We all are.

We just have to learn to accept it and each other. Together, we can make it through anything. It's tough, and there are still days that I can't stand to have anyone touch me. But, overall, I need my people. And, it makes me feel amazing to know that they need me. Makes me feel good to don my superhero-friend cape every now and again.

I think I need to reread my texts again. I need some psychological huggies like a madman.


Has this ever happened to you?

When I start writing now, I never know how to start.

So, let's just start with what just happened.

First night at Joe's, I was a shadow, it was pretty boring and not busy. It was a little easier than I think I was ready for - they're not nearly as uptight as Landry's. No matter, it went pretty well. Or as well as could be expected.

So, 9p, I leave. A cop blows in behind me, almost rear-ending me and turns his lights on. I'm totally all "what the fuck?," because for once, I'm not driving like a crazy person or a bat out of hell. I pull over, and he informs me that my tag is expired. So, INSTEAD of writing me a warning, he brings me a ticket. Just like that. No warning. No nothing. Just for the record, I STILL have a ticket out there, for coasting through a stop sign a few weeks ago.

Let me just reiterate...MY EX-BOSS can fuck me up at work...and get NOTHING. But, thank God they've got the cops keeping their eyes on me, THE REAL FUCKING CRIMINAL. Because I might hurt someone with an expired tag. One time I killed a man with an expired tag.

Okay, that's a lie - I didn't. But, I still might.

I just think it's SUPER-AWESOME that Jerry fucking Hamilton Spencer can attack not only an employee, but a WOMAN (I hate playing the gender card, by the way), and that fucker gets NOTHING. But, I go out for ice in the middle of the freaking night, pause at a stop sign (mind you - I didn't run it), and I get 30 to life.

I can't figure out if it's this town that's fucked up, the cops, the legal system, me, my life, or if God just overall hates me.

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to last, to be honest. I'm hovering between screaming and crying, laughing, and just tearing up my good sheets for a noose.

It just doesn't seem worth it, you know? It really, really doesn't. You have these brief flashes of awesome, here and there, but then someone comes in and pours this giant dumpster of shit, vomit and diarrhea on you, when you're at your peak. Or even when it feels like things are just starting to turn around.

It's really wearing me out. I'm already having to pull out the only tiny bit of retirement I have, so that we can live off that, until I start getting paid at Joe's. I STILL haven't gotten my tax return back (long story). And, I'm short about $50, before my rent check makes it through the bank and bounces like a rubber ball.


Does your life suck, too? I'm sure it does. I'm not sure to what extent. I know everyone's pretty much going through the same bullshit - the situations just aren't always exactly the same.

*As a sidenote, I meant to post this last night, but I got stoned and stopped caring. Because I needed to stop caring. I needed to stop crying, before my face fell off. So, here it is.


What the hell do you want from me?


If there's something crucial I'm missing, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Otherwise, I think it might be prudent for some of you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) to just cut your losses (trust me - I'm no one worth losing sleep over) and move on.

Being abused is not something I take lightly (okay, not anymore). And, I can tell you, it's happened to me far more in the past ten years than...well, more than anyone should have to put up with. Mental, emotional, physical...if you think you're that important that you feel it necessary to put your hands on someone else, then I encourage you to IMMEDIATELY seek help. I can also assure you that you will NEVER be that important. No matter how much it stokes the fiery embers of your ego or helps you cum, when you're laying in bed, thinking about how you dominated another human being - THAT IS NOT NORMAL. It's also not a good thing. It pretty much means you're a sick human being and really shouldn't be functioning within the realms of an active and productive society.

This has been an important announcement by "if you ever fucking put your God-damn dirty hands on me or someone I care about again, or scream at me like that, laws be damned, I'll kill you myself."

And, if you know of someone who is currently being abused, please send them my way. There is ALWAYS a way out. *I* may not have any rights as a victim in a professional setting, but I'll see to it that no one else ever has to go through something like this.

If you think you have the right to demean or invalidate anyone else, then just remember that you also reserve the right for someone to beat the shit out of you.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)


A bipolar bear walks into a bar...

Hahahaha, there's nothing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks, that hasn't made me just totally go "WHAT the eff is going on?" NOTHING.

I was just awoken with the lovely, lotiony sound of my ex jerking off in the bed next to me. Because THAT isn't gross at all. You'd think people could maintain themselves, until they move out, or at the very least, take it in the bathroom. *sigh*

So, I just went in there to check on Jack and saw he has a giant, infected thing on his foot. I wasn't quite ready monetarily to take them to the vet, yet, but I guess we don't have a choice. *double sigh*

I start my new job on Monday, dancing my way into peoples' hearts, at Joe's Crab Shack on 280. I just realized, though, that I completely forgot to tell them about derby practice on Monday nights. I WILL follow through with this derby thing. Or at least, I'd like to. It seems fun and moderately therapeutic, since they frown on you killing the people who actually deserve killing. Guess this is the next best thing.

And, I got a PHONE CALL, from a person who's looking to bury the past (what he means is all the drama and bullshit he put me through), because he just got engaged (to the psycho who STARTED all the drama), and they want to be friends (eat me) and he's got this guy that he wants to introduce me to, so we can all double date (?). Okay, that last part just kills me. I'm not even going to go into the shit-storm that came from this, because it's not even that interesting. It's just annoying. And, I don't even know why this ass-hat still has my number.


Let's just keep it simple. I'm done with bullshit. Yours, mine, everyones. Two weeks ago, I was physically attacked, assaulted and pinned down at work, BY MY BOSS, and had we been alone, I have no doubt in my mind he would have attempted to rape me. Not that I'm all that, but he's just THAT SICK. Plus, I've been this guy's personal fucking spin doctor, for his disgusting, corrupt company for the past few months. Now, I carry around a baseball bat, knife, whatever I can wield as a weapon, because I've just had it. I guess you could say I'm just totally over everything. I have my family (the members who accept me as I am) and my group of friends (ditto), with whom I'm comfortable. I'm getting a new job. I'm PAST moving on and have already MOVED ON. I've been so abused in the past couple of years, it's pretty ridiculous. And, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I don't give a SHIT what you think about me. Not a bit. NOT ONE. I've made my peace with everyone who deserved an apology or peace-making. And, I'm totally over the rest of it.

Strangely enough, I've put myself back on the internet dating circuit (circus?). This is my opener:
"Um, I used to internet date a long time ago. I got out of it because I thought I needed to go about the 'normal' way of meeting people, but then I realized it didn't matter - they're ALL weird, no matter where you meet 'em; the neighbors, AA, the zoo, prison..."
It's definitely going to be different this time around. I was disgusted when I got on there and realized what a meat-market it is. But, realistically speaking, I'm never going to start going to church, so I won't be joining any singles groups. It's just not me. I commune with God in my own way. I read scripture, I study lessons, but guess what? I'm judgmental, and I also smoke pot and drink. And, to be honest, I'm tired of hiding who I am from people. I can only be THIS way around THESE people, but around THESE people, I have to be THIS person. I suck at meeting new people. I'm the weirdo that stands in the corner, studying peoples' interactions. I tried to make eyes at this guy at the bar the other night, and it was like watching a plane fly into a crowd of people. *facepalm*


If you don't like me, then PLEASE don't bug my shit about it. PLEASE don't grace me with your presence, because SOMEHOW, I'LL BE OKAY WITHOUT YOU. Don't let me get my evil or drama on you, IN ANY WAY. I've never wanted to be a burden to ANYONE. And, I'm an adult now, so I feel as though I'm pretty good at making decisions for myself. I mean, I've kept myself (and three pets) alive for this long. My friends and (most of) my family love me. I make people laugh, and I LIVE to help people...so how badly can I really be doing????

I'm not looking for anything right now, just a way to support myself. I'm moving on from the last job (not without severe repercussions, though, of which I probably shouldn't discuss just yet...sorry. Our legal system is bullshit. How little rights a victim has, I never realized, until I actually stood up for myself, ONCE, and claimed "hey, I'm a victim." Shit. Don't get me started...). I'm happier with myself (okay, except physically) than I've been in a long time. And, the last thing I need is some fucker from my past popping up and trying to start shit. GO FUCKING BUG SOMEONE ELSE. SOMEONE in this world needs your drama, but it ain't me, I can assure you. Jesus H, I've got enough drama of my own.

Not all of it is bad drama, though. It just seems to be regular mishaps, one right after the other. Emily and I got stuck on 280, in rush-hour traffic, with a flat tire and no one would help us (except for Pete! Thank you, Pete!). Cory and I can't do ANYTHING without always ending up in some compromising situation, with angry lesbians or bad karaoke or something that requires a lot of fucking WORK. I don't get to see my Heather anymore, because she's so busy with her kids, and I MISS HER!!!!! &=( Mark and I broke up, and for once, I'm totally kosher with a break-up. We're still going to be friends, and no one is running from a burning building, screaming and crying. I can't believe I've actually maintained a friendship out of this one. Way to not fuck it up, Jen! *high fives for everyone*

We have, since, established ZKC, though, and that's been a lot of fun. Tabatha is an honorary member, even though she's living in Egypt or New Mexico or somewhere equally as far. We have our get-togethers, and they're awesome. Me, Cory, Kerry, Kristin, Heather, Mark, Joseph, AJ...Emily and Laura have since been inducted, and I'm hoping Layne will be our newest member. It's just time to get together and not have to fucking pretend. We sit around and laugh and smoke and drink (or not), sometimes we eat, sometimes we play some retarded board game, listen to music, talk about our problems, make each other laugh, we'll go to parties together and come away with some pretty harrowing tales of kicking bitches in the crotch, forgetting keys at the scene of a crime, getting roofied at the Blue Monkey and throwing up in the bathroom, getting blamed for breaking hookahs, people pissing in the middle of the road (no, not me)...and those are just highlights. We're usually fairly low-key, and it's nice. It may seem like drama (I never know what peoples' various definitions of drama are), but we're always laughing and having fun. I've never come away from hanging out with these mother-fuckers and been like, "shit, I need to get better friends." There are times, though, when we'll all go somewhere, then we leave, thinking, "shit, we need to find better friends."

Anyway, these guys are my main support, aside from my family, and I love them, dearly. They MAKE my life not shitty. I try very hard to return the favor.

There are a lot of changes happening in my life. I have no idea where I'm going, and for once, I don't care that I have no control over whatever happens. I've been such a control-freak over the past few years, and I just can't handle it anymore. I know that I'm going to be around until God feels it necessary to erase my mark. Until then, I'm going to do what I have to, to survive and not get my weirdness on other people. I'm still HOPING for the perfect relationship (eventually). I'd still like to have kids (or kid). I'm still hung up on things and people I shouldn't be. But, I'm a fucking realist. There are things in your life that affect you, for better or for worse, and all you can do is attempt to compartmentalize that "issue" until you're alone and you can deal with it. Sometimes that shit just DOESN'T GO AWAY. I still have horrid bouts of sorrow and regret, and, unfortunately, sometimes my friends are around for those episodes. They're so kind and loving, and sometimes all they can do is walk me through the fire. I prefer to have those moments to myself, though. Because my life is different now. I don't know a lot of the same people (thank God), and it's too hard to try to recount the various tales that make up my life, to all these new people. So, I bathe in my sorrow, wash myself clean with my tears, say some prayers, pull myself back together and move on. I'll never deny the things that have happened in my life. I just can't let them rule me. There are so many horrible things I've done, that I can never take back. I just have to pray that it's all leading me somewhere...somewhere GOOD, hopefully. But who knows?

If my suffering and desperation can help others, in whatever way that could ever be, THAT would be awesome. I'm more open with Amy's girls than I am with a lot of people. I don't mind telling them about the things I've been through, and though I always tell them that I know they're going to have to make their own mistakes, if they can learn from any of mine, it's pro-bono, and I'll offer myself up for the slaughter anytime.

I love to be able to alleviate the suffering of others. Trust me - if someone could try out for Jesus Part 2, I'm down. I hate to see people suffer. And, it's totally sucked that I've been the cause of others' sufferings. But, not anymore. I'll never put someone out again, just because of me being me. I no longer rely ON people. I prefer that they choose to have me around. And, if something happens because of it, just remember that really long waiver, with all that really tiny writing that you signed, when you asked to be my friend. Remember? At the top, it had the two check boxes - "Do you want to be friends? Yes or No. Choose wisely."

Being friends with me comes with peril. But, 95% of the time, it's kinda fun peril. Fighting for free wifi at Starbucks; spilling coffee in sleeves; picking strawberries at a Harvest Farm in the middle of nowhere, only to find out that you were SUPPOSED to meet these people; getting stoned in a parking lot after work; having a flat tire on 280 in the middle of rush hour; kicking this bitch in the crotch for talking shit about my friends (oh, she deserved it - trust me); going to derby matches; toilet pipes; sitting around outside, listening to crazy music, eating vegetarian calzones, while the kids yell for you to watch them swing and climb trees; sharing my hair falls with my best friend's daughter; holding my cousin's new baby; hugging my grandmother; getting hugs and kisses from my aunt's kids; working a booth at Do Dah Day, with Jack tied around my waist, only to have him see another puppy he wants to play with, and yank me to the ground, chair and all; four people crammed in my bed, falling asleep to the newest season of Venture Brothers; Mimosa Fridays; getting escorted out of the hospital, by a cop on a Segway; volunteering for Brewfest; joining a friend's organization, because what's important to him, is important to me; attending my first baseball game (and liking it - GASP!) with an old friend; and of course, trying to leave work, after being fired by a psycho, and having him take me down like a linebacker.

That's kind of a summary of the last couple of months of my life, and to be perfectly honest, it's been rather awesome (except the bipolar, schizophrenic, skeezy, hog-tie porn-addicted boss with the Jesus-complex part - THAT, I could have done without). I'm very happy. I wish I had an S.O. to share it with, but I assume that will come in time...or not. And, if it doesn't, I'll just keep being gloriously lonely and living alone. I don't know that anyone out there fits me....or if I fit anyone out there. And, if I'm destined to be alone, then I am. I'll NEVER force someone to do something they don't want to do. I'll never again attempt to change someone who doesn't desire change. I'm just me. And, I'm okay with me. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I'd kinda like to keep it.

I am a bit nervous, though, because I have had offers to move. My aunt Sabrina really wants me to come up to Seattle, and I talked to my aunt Amy and my grandmother, and they're of the same mind - if that's something that's going to give me a fresh start and help me grow, then I should do it. I just hate that everyone I love can't come with me. Plus, I'm not big on doing things alone. I'm not really super at making friends (Cory was my one exception, for whatever reason). I don't have the necessary social skills or proper level of self-esteem to just walk into a room with a commanding presence. Uh, no, thanks. So, we'll see what comes from that. I may just wake up one day and say to hell with it all and pack up and leave. I'm getting a little bit better at letting go of "stuff" and "things." I have this sticker, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, that says, "Let go. Attachment is suffering." And, I'm trying to let go. Of so much. But life is hard. It's never been NOT hard. It just helps to have people who actually give a shit. We're so busy and everything's so crazy these days, that it's hard to care about anything but yourself. But, you have to make time.

I've been meaning to post. And, this is why I should post more frequently. I have so much on my mind, AT ALL TIMES, and sometimes I need it to come out. This is what helps. This is my therapy - okay, well, that and weed. They're both cheap as free. But, Dave finally got my laptop up and running again, so I have to be careful of overuse. My other computer is kinda on the fritz, so I have to work on it. Aaaand, I'm leeching off someone's internet connection, which I can only do, when the wind is blowing in the right direction.

I'm making it. And, I'm okay. Except for my extreme dissatisfaction in my personal physique, I'm good. I'm, dare I say, happy? Yeah, I'm happy. &=) And, I have no intent to change for anyone or anything. I'm not oppressed by my job as an x-ray tech anymore. I choose to surround myself with good, honest, forthright people. And, all of this has changed me for the better. Don't mistake me - it's been a hell of a fight to get here. But, I am exactly who I want to be (maybe 20 lbs heavier). There will always be times in my life that I wish I could redo. But, for right now, I'm happy. And, I'm happy to BE happy.

And, now, I'm revelling in the fact that I get to go back to bed for a few hours. Later, I'll wake up, take the Mack to the vet, go volunteer for Brewfest, touch base with everyone for the evening, maybe play some Escape from Monkey Island or watch some Venture Brothers, go to sleep (my fav), then wake up Sunday and see what things I can get accomplished. And, if I get nothing done, then I get nothing done.

I'm happy.
And, if you're one of 'em (you know if you are, or if you really shouldn't be here), thanks for being my friend and contributing to my happy. If I didn't have you (and you all know who you are, and how freaking special you are to me!), I have no idea where I'd be in my life. So, thank you. Thanks for being my friend. Things have been really crazy, but I'm thankful to have you all in my life. You each have a portion of my heart, that will always be yours.

I has a lot of happy. &=)