Eventually, this will stop happening.
Eventually, I'll have to stop doing this to myself.
What - feeling? Stop...feeling? Stop...opening yourself up? Stop everyone ELSE from breaking your heart? Will I suddenly become a better judge of my life overnight? Will I magically stop making mistakes?
Naturally, that's not going to happen.
My breath of fresh air was snuffed out before it was even fully realized.
Wait. No. I take that back. I realized it. It was just laced in deception, as it usually is.
It didn't mean to be, though. It's just that whole "wrong place, wrong time/right place, wrong time/right thing, wrong universe" bullshit that gets me EVERY FUCKING TIME. There's not ONE FUCKING TIME IN THE LAST TEN MISERABLE FUCKING YEARS that this hasn't come out of the blue and struck me from the sky.
I don't know that I care anymore.
Trust me - it will happen, though.
"One last time, Jen. Just ONE LAST TIME. Put yourself out there. Put your heart on the line. This is IT, yo. THIS. IS. IT. This is the time that's going to put all those other times to some hardcore shame. This is going to be so beautiful, you're already wondering how you've lived without it."
Can we give me a break? Please? Can we possibly stop bending me over and fucking me? Can we just ASSUME for one brief moment that I, TOO, am a human being, with feelings and the like? Let's play the whole "would you want someone to do this to you?" game. I'm already well-aware of the fact that there is no ONE perfect human being for every ONE person on this earth.
(I already played that game and lost miserably. I had the perfect one, and I stomped that fucker's heart into the ground. Then, I had the next best thing, and I just threw that one to the wolves, without even flinching. Let's just pretend I REMEMBER ALL OF THAT, EVERY, SINGLE DAY, and that I've learned a few things from all of this...)
But, Jesus-God Almighty.......CAN I BORROW ONE??????? ONE OF THE FUCKING 6.8 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE KNOWN WORLD???? I'm not looking for adoration from thousands, or even hundreds...hey, not even tens! Just one. ONE. Is that too much to ask? Is it just not the right time? Can someone just TELL ME it's not the right time? Can we make this a little more obvious? You guys KNOW I'm not into reading signs and signals and all that bullshit. In fact, I HATE it. I need forthrightness and honesty. I need integrity and forgiveness. I need one goddamn person to be on the level with me...FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.
And, I think it's BULLSHIT for people to have to "LEARN" to be okay on their own. I think it's OKAY for people to need other people. For the love of Christ, it's how God intended us to be. There's a reason we PAIR UP. There's a reason for all that loneliness and attraction and dating and hugs and looking forward to seeing one person above EVERYONE ELSE.
If I could just stop fucking it up, when I get it.
And, I was going to do it right this time.
I was going to do right by everyone.
But, deception is a whore, and she gets me every goddamn time.
The prospect of an ultimate love never fails to cloud my vision and blind me in shining hope.
I was blinded. You hurt me, TERRIBLY.
Yet, it's going to take me immense energies (that I don't have) and a very long time (that I don't want to give) to get past this, where you don't consume my every thought.
The runner on the trail.
For the first time in three days, I went a whole 24 hours without seeing him, and it physically hurt.
God, I've GOT to stop giving of myself freely. I HAVE to. It's chipping away at my already feeble psyche.
I guess I should start making people try harder.
That's it. I'm throwing down the gauntlet for a relationship. If you want to talk to me, you have to pass through the fiery pits of hell. Not because I have anything against you, per se. But, because I can't keep letting people take and take. I've only recently come back from being a shell of a human being. Let's not help perpetuate that. It's not healthy - for me, and I can assure you that it will cause me to make YOUR life a living hell, albeit inadvertently.
Tip for the n00bs, FROM the experienced:
DON'T talk to someone else, if you're already in a relationship, no matter how troubled it may be. No amount of justification will make it right - I CAN ASSURE YOU. Man the fuck up and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Don't be a Godzilla in someone else's life. PRETEND that you give a shit about anyone else's feelings aside from your own. Don't be a selfish bastard. Remember that they have people attached to them as well, who could get hurt in your wake.
It doesn't mean that I always make the right decisions - I don't, and I haven't. I'm STILL learning (although you'd think 32 years of fucking things up might give you a slight idea about what's going on - it doesn't).
I want so badly to be angry at him. But, I can't.
And, I won't.
It's no longer part of my nature.
I just wish I could have guided him to a safe place, possibly been a better example, since I've been where he is. But, it was me, putting myself out on the line, just that one last time.
And, for three glorious days, it was magnificent.
And, despite what I'm currently going through, I was happier than I'd been in a really long time.
Back to life, though, huh? Back into the dank, shit-filled pit of the world of being alone. Sorry I stayed gone for so long, Loneliness. I'm sure you missed me.
Wish I could say the same............................................................