On the way out

So, we got into what I would consider a pretty monumental (yet, INCREDIBLY RETARDED) fight tonight.

It was over whether or not I should go get the grocery list out of the car.

Naturally, we didn't speak all the way through the store, all the way home, and until I got off the phone my friend about one of my prospective jobs. THEN, he was interested.

But, we never talked about what happened.

So, I'm pretty much ready to go. I don't have a lot of patience with relationships. But, to be fair, we don't really have a whole lot in common...except for video games. I really want to, like, go through and LIST the things that bother me, but I feel like that would just be "me pointing out his faults," and I don't want to do that. That's crude, because he's an incredible guy.

This is one of those cases where it's not necessarily him or me (although, it's probably more me than anything), it's both of us.

I'm just ready to be back out on my own again. I feel like a sponge. I feel like he's "putting up" with me, and I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING. I feel like a HUGE burden...and I am.

But, this is the only option that won't drive me absolutely bat-shit insane, unfortunately.

On the upside, the job thing is looking up. The skip tracing job called me back.

I also heard back from Debbie, who said the lab job has now turned into an assistant administrative job with a substantially larger amount of money. The only drawback to that job is they won't be ready to hire me until sometime in November, but that's just right around the corner, soooo.....

So, I think I'm going to get on with the skip tracing, then move on to the other job. I'd like to at least SEE if the skip tracers would let me stay on PRN or something, but I'm not sure if they offer that sort of thing. Psh, we'll see. I gotta do something, and it's gotta happen soon.

I need myself back. She's not the greatest thing, but I've gotten pretty attached to her.

Maybe we can stay friends....


Breaking down...only to rebuild

This is how it always goes.

I reach the absolute lowest point to which I can possibly sink. Then, everything starts pulling together. Fast. Almost too fast. And, then I'm forced to make a decision. And, THAT'S the part I'm really no good at. I have no confidence that I'll make the right choice. ZERO. I feel like, I've boned myself this many times over (which I'm assuming is why I'm in this situation), what makes me think I'm not setting myself up for another self-sabotage?

*huff* It's times like this that I'm pretty sure I'm my worst enemy, even though I really do want good things for myself.

So, these are my options. And, mind you, I still haven't had any offers - only interviews:

Job #1 - Skip Tracer
Insurance, 401k, PTO
No holidays, no weekends
Located in Birmingham

Job #2 - X-ray Tech
$21.31/hr + $2 shift dif
Insurance, 401k, PTO
6p-7a, 7on/7off OR 12-hr weekend shifts, plus various shifts M-F
Located in Pell City

Job #3 - Lab Tech
No holidays, no weekends
Located in Birmingham
*still don't know a whole lot about this job, yet - just found out about this one this morning

Obviously, my gut says, "Hey, you need money like a homeless man! Take that job in Pell City!" BUT, that would put me - yep, you guessed it - back in Pell City. And, while I ADORE my family and my friends who live there, I really can't imagine a worse fate...for MYSELF. The thought of living in Pell City is enough to drive me even further into an almost interminable depression. It's NOT the people I love, obviously. It's the shallow, bigoted, biased, intolerant, narrow-minded behaviors of everyone else who live there. It's like living in Birmingham, only on a much smaller and more concentrated scale. Plus, there's no theatre, there are no shows, no plays, no decent bars or clubs, etc. I'd have to drive back to Birmingham to do ANYTHING.

On the upside, I'd be back with my family, which is, in no way, a negative. If there's anything I regret about living in Birmingham, it's that I'm missing out on the kids' lives, and I don't get to spend ANY time with my grandmother. And, I'm only EVER going to rue that forever. BUT, if I get a decent, regular job in Birmingham, I can stay here, but I'll make enough money to afford gas and upkeep on my car, which is ideally what I'd like.

I like the idea of the skip tracing job. That sounds like a lot of fun. But, the lab tech job would put me back in the medical field, which for the record, I don't HATE. I just hate working with people who are deliberately hard to work with. I felt really stupid, because I had to tell the HR lady from the hospital about the bullying I had to endure for four years, when I worked at Highlands. I told her that I repeatedly told my boss, but he always ignored it. And, that's what usually happens.

That's why I never told my boss at Makario's that that asshole was stealing my tips. You really think he was really going to reprimand his family member, based on something *I* said? I'm not stupid. Unfortunately, being a boat-rocker and telling the truth has done nothing but screw me in the past, so I'm forced to choose my battles, now. And, I'm not going to generalize that race of people, but I know the people at Makario's always stick together, no matter what. So, that's why I quit. I didn't have to, but I also don't believe I should have to put up with that kind of mistreatment. I don't enter establishments with the intent of making trouble, but I'm always put into compromising situations, where I have to decide what to do, whether it's telling the truth, covering for someone, reporting something negligent or illegal...and you know what? After being basically unemployed for over a year, I'm not entirely sure it's always worth telling the truth, if *I'M* the one who ends up suffering for it.

I don't like that. I don't like having to compromise myself...FOR A JOB. All I've EVER wanted was to have a job, where I go in, do work, get along with the people, get out and get paid. Well, no. I've always wanted a job that I enjoy, as well as coworkers I could call family, no matter the amount of money I make. But, that's pretty impossible, with the selfishness that consumes people today. These days, I'd say probably 99.8% coworkers will throw you to the wolves without any reflection. The closest I've ever been to anyone was at Grow, and those people are still in my life. But, they're good people, too. No one there ever gave each other any crap. We always worked hard and worked together like an office SHOULD. I mean, holy CRAP! Aren't we all working towards the same goals??? I can't tell you the people with whom I've worked (and currently know) who work harder trying to AVOID work. It's insane.

I love working. I don't expect anyone else to. But, I do expect a certain amount of respect and even forced pleasantness to occur, when you're at a job. And, you know what? When you push yourself to be more positive, you actually BECOME that way. It's weird.

*INCOMPLETED* <-I hate when I do this...


Points of light

I know this is a repost. I can't explain what I'm going through, but this song touches something very deep inside my psyche and addresses those things with which I'm having problems. Basically, my problem is letting go - I just never learned how, without obliterating everything, including the beautiful things.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...


Missing pieces

Holy hell. I've got to pull myself together.

I have no idea what I'm in this for anymore. I'm so fucking depressed, I can hardly get off the couch. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to cry OR get help. I can't answer the phone anymore.

And, when I was standing at the Portugal. The Man show the other night, I actually resolved myself to death. I conceded. It's been ages since I've gone home with anyone from a concert, but I found myself hoping I'd run into the reaper on the way to the bathroom. I would have left with him, without a second thought or a backwards glance.

That scares me.

I need something. I can't find ANYTHING within myself anymore. I can't DO anything. No one has any inkling how fucking difficult it's become, just for me to talk myself into leaving the house...for ANYTHING. My bank account is in the red, and it happened because I refuse to go to the bank and deposit this check.

What is going on??? How long is this going to last? Is this it? Is this who I've become? What's the point in going on? I can find no motivation, no push, no drive, nothing but anger and resentment. I hate EVERYTHING right now. I've missed so many of my friend's parties. I've desperately missed my family. I completely abandoned my best friend for the last year or so that she was here, and now she's gone. I've missed out on almost everything this past year.

And, it doesn't seem to be getting better. At all. I had 365 days of hell. Why am I being forced to suffer more? I hate to be self-righteous, but why am I being forced to suffer at all? Every time anything goes wrong in my life, I make myself reevaluate who I am as a person, and how I could possibly be negatively affecting anyone in my life. It helps from time to time. But, every day? For 365+ days? Am I REALLY that horrible of a person? I TRY to do right, and I TRY to do things for others...pretty consistently, actually.

Jesus. This just goes off onto 90 different planes of insanity. It's so unorganized, and I'm so broken, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I'm too tired to get help. I'm too exhausted to care. My self-esteem is so low, I can't even force myself to have a reason to physically stand up straight.

And, it all stems from me not having a regular job. How is that possible?

I'm so far from who I ever wanted to be, I can't even figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do...except pray for death every, single day. I don't even want anyone to sympathize with me anymore. I can't hardly stand to think that anyone else actually feels this horrible. How does the world keep going on?

God, I need direction. A sign. Message in a bottle. A REASON. Sanity to check back in. Any time.

Please, life. PLEASE. Don't make me keep doing it like this. I'm so sick of this depressive repeater. I'm sick of typing the same shit. I'm fed up with being this faggy homebound human being. I'm tired of all my blogs being about the same god-damn thing every few weeks, months.

Fix me?