I cut ALLLL the hairs

OMFC!

BLLLAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been so long since I've posted anything, I think I might forget how!

Anyway, I've got world's second worst headache, have been having probably world's third worst weekend, and have got world's first worst body aches (weather), so Imma lay down.

BUT FIRST!

*drum roll*

My new hair!



I have been DYING to get my hair cut, and this isn't the full version, because I'm getting it colored red and dark purple (I'm 30, it's my hair, I'm also getting a motorcycle, suck it up), but that's not until the 14th, because, OF COURSE, they didn't have my colors in stock. And, yes, I donated exactly 10 inches to Locks of Love, although I still think Wigs for Kids was a better organization. They didn't have a shady past, from what I read about Locks of Love.

NO MATTER!

I just hope they can fashion that crap into a beautiful wig for some baby, because it surely wasn't doing me any good, and I wasn't doing it any justice. It had just gotten way too hard to take care of, especially living in "Kleenex Box Bathroom" and showering in "Triaminic Box Shower." Oh, you don't get what I'm saying here? Let me clarify:

IT'S TINY

Also, YES, once again, I'm looking for a new place. There's been so much SHIT going on here, I just don't know that I can take it much longer. Plus, I'd like to have a place where me and the cats don't have to make a tent over my radiator heater to stay warm, or I don't have to walk around in the kitchen with a flashlight. I'd LIKE to do it before my surgery the first part of the year, but I don't anticipate that.

Oh yeah, next knee surgery is Jan 14, 08. I'm hoping they're going to do an arthroscopy on me as well, but we'll see. I haven't planned it, yet.

I did just have an MRI of my lower back, and they said I have bulging disks, whatever the crap that means. It's not hurting, but I had to have it done, so that Dr. Monfared would do a block on my right SI (sacroiliac) joint. Ever since I had the RIA, my right leg has been KILLING me - I exaggerate not. Right now, the front of my lower leg and my hip and knee are just throbbing. It's the weirdest crap. But, I'll let you know when that's going to happen.

I've got so much to tell you guys and to post and whatnot, but I'm killer tired. Heather took me to Salon 2000 in Trussville, which is where the deed was done, then we went and ate at Red Robin at the Pinnacle, and absolutely ran our mouths until we were exhausted.

God, I love hanging out with her.

Last two pics - I promise I'll be posting more soon that the webs are back. *sigh* I CANNOT make it without the interblags, for seriously.

Just so you know

You Are 76% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Just don't ask which ones I checked "yes" to.

My girls

I just wanted to share a picture of my girls.

Jammy Pie is on the left, and Booboo is on the right.



Right now, I'm just taking one day at a time. I'll be back with you guys, soon...

To share

Why do I still feel so fucking dead?

All I did over the weekend was go through old photos of my mom, my family, my ex, dredging up those happy, happy times in my life, when my life was perfect. I don't MEAN to do that - it just happens. I just want to see her face, his face, our smiles. I want to FEEL all that again.

And, God-dammit, I KNOW it's gone! I know it will never come back, and that I need to move the fuck on!

AND I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT GNAWING, BURNING, SEARING PAIN, that makes me throw up at random, that makes me lose coherence in the middle of a conversation, that makes me lose complete touch with reality.

This is the face of "Major Cyclic/Recurrent Depression." This is what it's done to me. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret every fucking decision I've made since Mom passed away. How can it fuck you up this bad? I mean, your whole life, in the shitter?


And, you know what sucks? I don't even HAVE the problems other people have. I'm not starving, I'm not homeless, I don't have cancer, I have my entire family, who loves me and backs me, no matter what, I have an adorable best friend, that I would give my life for - my life is great, except for that MASSIVE CHUNK OF FEELING THAT'S MISSING.

Brains are fucked up. I'd gladly give myself up for research, to help others who feel like me.

*Bring it on*

I'm going to get back to me. I just don't know when. My depression is like a ticking time bomb - although, I never know when it's going to go off.

God, this sucks. I'm going back to bed. I already smell like a dead body - may as well portray one.

I'm sorry, guys. I'll be back sometime...

Dear Mom...part I

Hey, Mom.

So, today is the eighth anniversary of when you left this world. I want to say "when you left me," but I still like to think it was unintentional.

Just so you know, I just had a breakdown of volcanic proportions. It seems as though everything that has been going wrong in my life has decided to culminate on this very day. I've only got one word for it - annoying.

It's times like now that I'm both glad you're not here, but I could really use you. I'm glad you're not here, because I'd hate for you to see who/what I've become. I'm sure no one else will admit it, but I'm pretty much a horrible embarrassment to myself, and I know, to you. I'd never imagined myself, of all people, to be divorced at 30, and have nothing to show for myself. Sure, I have a regular job - what grocery store attendant doesn't? It's not that I ever thought I was better than anyone else, I just thought I was capable of doing better things. I certainly thought sanity wouldn't have been such a formidable adversary. I guess I always saw myself as still married to him, with kids, hopefully celebrating some sort of anniversary of some kind - certainly not this kind. I never would have imagined myself to be capable of the things that I HAVE done, especially the horrible transgressions I've committed against others.

What do I have to show for it?

A whole lot of empty pill and beer bottles for one. Tons of grey hair, wrinkles, and rapidly decreasing mental and physical health for another.

I never imagined myself here. I can honestly say that I would rather be dead than at this point in my life. Everything happens for a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn't begin to find a reason in anything that's happening now.

Pretty haughty for me to think that I deserve any more than the next person. I always think it's incredibly vain and self-centered for me to be worried about the trivialities in MY life, when other people have problems that are FAR worse than mine.

But you know, I try not to bother others with my worries. I keep to myself. But it's days like this that I'm just not so sure I can take it anymore. I wonder if you even remember who I was. I wonder if it even matters. I wonder if there ever will be a life after this, or if I'm always going to be stuck in this rut of an existence for some God-unknown eternity.

Mom, I know you've always taught me to be independent. And, it makes me feel weak to have to have my existence validated through other people. But, when you were here, you gave my life meaning. Then I met him, and I felt like I WAS someone, like I was capable of anything. First, I lost you. My life became unidirectional. It was like I'd lost my worth. Then, I lost him, and I lost everything.

And, now, I feel like I have nothing. And, nothing is what I have to show.

I have our family, and I'm so grateful for them. Every day, I thank God that they're mine. I have to say, they're the only ones who keep me going. But, they each have their own lives, and it kills me to ask them to take time out from those lives to take care of me. I know we're family, but it's just not right. I'm 30 years old, and I should be able to do this on my own.

Mama, I can't. I don't know how. Jesus Christ, if I feel like the biggest waste of space on this planet.

I know - how did I come up with all this, just because I lost the use of the car? You know me, though. Always the drama queen...or "Madonna" as you would call me, when I would show my ass.

The loneliness consumes me, like a sick, thick, inky, dark cloud. It envelopes me whole, taking a strong hold within my heart, following me around wherever I go, speaking to me when I slow down - on the elevator, on the walk home, while I'm laying in bed at night, praying for sleep to come...in my dreams.

Don't tell me I don't have God. I do. I know who He is. And, He has never forsaken me. He made me who I am. He knows that I'm a stubborn little girl who refuses to listen.

They say no parent should outlive a child. But, no child should ever have to let go of a parent, the way I was forced to with you.

You'd be much better off here than me.

Please forgive me for not being better.

I love you, and I crave your presence, guidance and solace. Please know that I don't create this pain - it follows me and burdens me, every chance it gets. I'm trying so hard to fight, but it seems this world only has so much to offer. The rest is a sickening chasm, destined to be filled by the unknown.

Mama, please don't forget me. Since you've been gone (2,920 days), there's never been a single day that I've forgotten you.

Please send help...

love / hate

I adore my family.

I just called my aunt, to fill her in on some of the crap of what's been going on, and her oldest daughter, Erica, answered the phone. She said that they were at K-Mart, having their picture made through that Olin Mills company, and apparently, Shelby, the younger of the girls, had brought her little friend Mariah with her, and so Mariah was going to have her picture made...with the family.

So Erica launches in: "I don't understand! We haven't had a whole family picture made since I was 10, and now THIS GIRL, who I don't even know, is going to be in our picture! What is the point of that? We're not going to buy it! It doesn't even make sense!," and I hear her talking in the background, "well, MOM, I don't even KNOW this girl! What sense is there in having her in a FAMILY PICTURE if she's not family??!? I mean, when we had our picture made with Jimmy, at least SHE was family! It's just WEIRD. She's not family, she's not going to BE family....mom, it's just weird, ok??? Hey, why don't I just walk out into the middle of K-mart and grab the next stranger I see, and say, 'Hey, you want to have your picture made with our family?' "

I'm laughing the whole time, by the way.

So, then she gets back on the phone and says, "Ok, well, mom's paying for the pictures, dad's having a stroke, and we're about to have the pictures made, so I'll tell her to call you back."

I just love my family more than anyone can ever imagine. I love the fact the we can drag complete, unintentional but laughable chaos into any situation imaginable.

♥














Ok, so here's the breakdown on my broken-down car:

It got fixed...temporarily, thanks to a family friend. This is trivial, but thank you, Bill. I'll never have enough to pay you back for all you've done for me.

Anyway, the problem right now was a burned-out ignition coil ($300).

The problems they found when they actually got inside the car are as follows:

• leaking oil pan gasket - $285
• leaking distributor base - $525
• change transmission fluid - $65
• change oil
• replace spark plugs - $75
• replace front brake pads and machine rotors - $270
• replace rear brake shoes - $195
• replace fuel filter - $85
• timing belt job (replace timing belt, water pump, front engine seals, external belts, valve cover gasket, & coolant) - $620

I don't really know what to say after all that, except that my tummy really hurts. I'm trying desperately NOT to have an emotional attachment to this car, but it WAS my mom's so.....

It's back at my house now, and it's going to stay there for as long as I can possibly manage. Since I've kinda gotten used to walking to work, there's really no reason for me to stop. It's going to be hell when the temperature drops, but I think it will last me long enough to decide what I'm going to do about all this. The general consensus is to get a new (used) car. But once I get a new car, I'm just inheriting IT'S problems that I have no idea about.

I'm not going to lie - I'd love to have a new car. Who the hell wouldn't? I want a Honda Hybrid more than I could possibly express. And, I'd be totally cool with a car payment, if I was done paying off my credit card. But since I still have something like 10 payments left, I really can't afford to do anything extraneous right now. Plus, as my health rapidly deteriorates, I continue to visit the doctor and take meds to even myself out.

I'm really selling myself, aren't I?

Well, on the upside, I'm definitely a cheap date. I ate a hot dog today. Here's it's picture:















Now, here it is compared to my soda:


















These are going to be my meals from here on out, if I'm ever to start making ends meet again.

You know, though, I'm not bitter. Just frustrated. I'm trying really hard to get everything sorted out, but I always seem to get thwarted in some way or another. I mean, it's not like I'm this lavish spender. For God's sake, I've never even gotten the guts to buy myself a dresser, so my clothes are literally just strewn everywhere, usually covered by OTHER stuff or towels to keep the cats off them. I'm not a furniture-haver. I would love to be a furniture-owner, but I think you have to be a money-maker first, to have the other thing happen. I've only recently started purchasing my own clothes, so you know - baby steps.



So, I have my car back now. It runs. Just not long distances. I'm still walking. I'm also still in search of another bar job (or any high-paying side job that doesn't lead to me becoming some sort of prostitute...no, call-girl isn't acceptable either), so if anyone has any leads, please feel free to email me. I'm pretty good with computers, I'm a really fast learner, and I'm not above shoveling shit. I'm not above ANYTHING at this point (um, except the call-girl thing).

Things are going to turn around. They always do. I'm just really tempted to close my eyes until they do.

i'm not dixxy, your face is just blurry.

Current mood: flying high

Woah.

I was just about to launch into this huge post, leaving in my wake tons of horrible pictures and cursing, as I'm singing Slipknot's "Fuck This World" at the top of my lungs.

But, then I got dixxy. See? That was actually supposed to be dizzy, but I'm apparently so dixxy I can't find the keys. Good thing I wasn't looking for car keys. Where are those, by the way?

I forgot, though - I just took a bunch of meds that make me want to be sleepy, since I can't seem to be wanting to sleep at night. And in case you haven't caught on yet, me not getting sleep = bad, bad things.

Oh man. There's ALL this shit I want to tell you guys, - or whatever peoples are reading this - but I'll have to wait for my brain to come back online sometime tomorrow. I spent ALL DAY cleaning my effing house, specifically geared towards tiring myself out and forgetting ALL about this horrendous day. It didn't work. When I got done, I was getting my second wind to start on the upstairs. So, I took the meds, popped a squat at the 'puter, and promptly forgot about the meds. And when I stopped finding the picture button with my brain and sat up to look for it, I did a complete sitting circle (God, I hope I know what all of this means when I sober up), slammed back into my chair and was like, "Oh my God - I think my head is on backwards!"

Then, I remembered. So, I decided to post it, since I was promising I was going to post about something else.



Yeah, this is going to mean NOTHING to me tomorrow.

So, I leave you with this: a couple of pics of me after a lone night's hardcore drinking. Those with weak constitutions might want to consider another country in which to take up residence (in my head, that's a pun - whether or not it will apply tomorrow, I'm no longer responsible):

(shit! where's that god-damned picture button???)














Jesus. It's so bad that I just listened to, like, 7 minutes of a song, wondering why I was listening to this song that I hated, before I realized I had the power to change it. Der.

Just so's you know, yer gonna be seeing a LOT of THIS jimmy for a while to come. She's very...unfortunate. And, that's about all I can say about her. Things aren't boding well here at "The Attic." I'm sure I'll get to elaborate more on that, and I'm sure there will be many groans and complaints to take me off the internet, because I make people reconsider suicide.

Not my intent. I'm just sharing, like I said, the very inner core of my brain that I can reach with an ice cream scoop. Don't like it? Don't read it.

Although, on the bright side, I DID just get asked out on a date. &=) By a friend. But we're still calling it a date. It's probably not going to develop into anything, since I'm such a fucking schicken. But, it's still kinda...fun. It's too bad I'm such a loser that he'll actually have to come pick me up. Suddenly, my loss of car has completely skyrocketed me to SUPER-loser status, with the cape and the hot boots and EVERYTHING.


Well, SHIT.

I forgot what I was saying. So, I'll probably stop now. In fact, I probably should.

I'm going to go crawl down seventy-five flights of stairs to go to the bathroom right now. I hope I get to come back up later on. But I guess that depends solely on which body part will be in control after the urination domination. If not...well. Maybe I should take a pillow.

Oh, I like this song, and I recognized it right away. Haha! There's hope for me, yet!

I lubs you guys. I hope you're all well. I wish more peoples would gimme some comments on my blag, instead of just emailing me. It's funner getting comments that other people are going to read. That way, it looks like I actually HAVE friends.

God, I'm lame. &=P

"Who's going next?
I'm dying to see!
Spin the bottle, baby,
and give it to me!"

Currently listening : Mostasteless By Twiztid Release date: 22 June, 1999

&=( no Halloween for Jimmy &=(

Alrighty, then. I'm fully two feet and six beers in, and I am good and ready to admit what's been going on.

It's Nov 6, and since Oct 25, I have been fighting with my car. It's dead now, and I don't know why. I've walked to work for exactly six days, and I'm not happy about it.

This is going to be tough, coming out completely coherent, so excuse the mistakes. I'm pretty fucking pissed off about it, but there's really nothing I can do. I was $300 in the hole this time around, and when I got paid, I still have to pay rent + amenities ($600), other bills ($150), so that leaves me with about $20 this time around, and no, I DON'T want to discuss where it's all going. The fact that I'm able to make it up and down the stairs to peepee is about as good as it's going to get right now.

So, there.

It's actually quite a bit more involved than that, but that's all I really care to say right now. That, and I'm pretty fussed that I polished off a whole six-pack and don't have the totality to make it to the grocery store to get something else.

*fumes*

So, I guess that means I should go to bed. Because I DON'T have to work tomorrow, and I'm very glad.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that everything for Halloween fell apart, much to MY dismay. &=(

Right now, I'm going to lay down and watch Lucy: Daughter of the Devil, and drink the backwash from the bottles that are sitting around my bed - that's how very lame I am right now. &=(

If I smoked, and there were cigarette butts laying around, I'm pretty sure I'd be eating those, as well....