I can, and I will. I refuse to mess this up. And, I refuse to let anything go down that's not consensual.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can.

I need a hug...or a high-five.

But I could...

Every so often, I'll run across a song that will completely enrapture me. This is one of them. I can't stop listening to it, even if it IS depressing and doesn't apply to my life right now. It's still beautiful.

The Cardigans - Couldn't Care Less

Oh my heart can't carry much more
It's really, really aching and sore
My heart don't care anymore
I really can't bear more
My hands don't work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
My heart can't carry much more
But you couldn't care less
Could you

Your face don't look like before
It's really not like yours anymore
Your eyes don't like me no more
They quiver and they shift to the floor
My heart don't beat like before
It's never been this slow
No my blood don't flow anymore
And you couldn't care less
Could you

Could we stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
But we really don't care do we

Baby let's stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell

Your back's not straight like before
You really shouldn't carry me no more
I'm much too heavy for you
I'm really quite a mess, yes
We just don't care anymore
We're crooked and were cut to the core
We're just not there anymore
But we really don't care do we
No, we couldn't care less
We couldn't care less
Could we?

Purple Rain by Stina

Stina Nordenstam performed this song. It has a totally different feel than the Prince version. It's absolutely wonderful. I just heard it and realized I'd never really listened the words. I really like them.

Purple Rain
by Stina Nordenstam

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the rain

Purple rain, purple rain x4

Never meant to be your weekend lover
I only want to be some kind of friend
I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x4

It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain, purple rain x2

Just breathe..............

Mood: agitated

For some reason, words fail me today.

Yesterday, I got to see my old friend...and it was exactly as I'd feared. My entire being ached for him. But, I managed to restrain, and we had a really good time - or I did, anyway. I'm not sure about him. I was so bent on reeling myself in (and keeping myself calm), that I couldn't tell how he was. I swore to myself, also, that I wouldn't psychoanalyze all of his movements, my movements, every tiny action, every little word, every "sign" (of which I experienced MANY) and although I'm still fighting it, I know I can do this.

Heather said I shouldn't lie to myself, but I'm going to push myself to do this if it kills me. Just because I want him back in my life, in some form. I feel like I'm playing a never-ending game of arm wrestling. It's agonizing trying to just keep up my strength, but if I fail...well, then I fail.

I still get the shakes when I think about it all - about loving him, about being with him, about the things through which we went and carried each other (although, I know he did most of the carrying)...and about being in contact with him again. Haha, I guess I have cooties, huh? Boy cooties. *psh*

I still know that I could take care of him better than anyone in this world - no matter our differences.

Yes, I'm still in love with him. But, I'll never let it slip from my mouth. I have to do this - because I want to.

He used to be so understandably upset, knowing that there was the "other one" looming in my past, always there. He'd be surprised to know that the other one is gone now, replaced only by memories of him. It's completely insane. Now, he is my other one.

I gave up a lot when I walked away. I always do.

I fail at life a lot. I make a lot of the wrong choices. But, I'm doing so good this time around. I've had to make some tough choices and let some people go from my life, but it was worth it. It's worth it, if it makes me a better person.

But, not this one. I can't let this one go. If nothing comes out of it, friendship or otherwise, then that's the way it is.

I have to try, though. If I don't, this is one of those things that I can see filling me with great regret in the future.

Please, God, don't let me mess this up.

Tiny, baby addendum @ 2141p:
I talked to him tonight, and he said he had a really good time yesterday. &=) This is far superior to the rockstar. I'm not analyzing it - I'm just being really, really happy. I'm allowed to do that, right?

Michael & Mom

mood: sincere

Wow. I've been watching really old Michael Hedges videos, and they so take me back, to such a different time in my life.

I remember how he'd make his yearly pilgrimage to the Music Hall in Southside, and we'd always go see him. He actually started recognizing us after a while. I was fortunate enough to shake the man's hand many times, and even have the most wonderful photo made with him. (I know - I REALLY need to get a scanner. Donations can be made to...)

One of my absolute favorite songs is "Because It's There." And, it's strange, because in December of '97, I remember being at Jack State, turning on WBHM, just like I did every night before I went to bed and hearing that song, right before they announced that this was in homage (I use the haughty French pronunciation, "oh-MAHZH") of the exquisite guitar player who was Michael Hedges. He had been in a car accident, after visiting with his girlfriend, and apparently, when he was thrown from the car, he perished instantly.

I can still remember calling my mom and frantically explaining what had happened. She and I sat on the phone and listened to his music and cried for what seemed like an eternity.

It makes me happy to finally be able think of the touching times my mom and I shared...a decade after her death.

Mom, I'm incredibly envious of you. You've been listening to him play for God for years. What an honor.

And, Michael, even now, twelve years later, you're sorely missed.

To Greg, who introduced us, & Gordon, who still talks to me about these times.