9.22.2006

anudder survey

i meant to post this about a hundred years ago. oh well, here ya go.

this one is from my VERY good friend, paula:

Your name:
Jennifer Harper

Where did we meet:
Marc Broussard show, duh!

Take a stab at my middle name:
It begins with a b

How long have you known Me:
too long; hold on....3 years or so

Do I smoke:
only when you drink I think

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
you looked so bored, felt sorry for you

Color of my eyes:
brown I think

Do I have any siblings:
nope

What's one of my favorite things to do:
being a drama queen

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
have no idea, but I remember I introduced myself and that girl I was working with.

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
what the hell is this? Conservative people can be ghetto as hell.

What's my favorite type of music:
metal

What is the best feature about me:
your loyalty to friends

Am I shy or outgoing:
depends on who you're around

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
rebel to the point of driving people nuts

What's your favorite memory of me:
rockin out at korn

Any special talents:
driving people crazy, being hyper

Would you consider me a friend:
of course

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
jimmy the spazz

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:
valium to keep you calm

the WHOLE pigtail story

(this was friday afternoon - it is now saturday)

i'm still sitting at work, bored to friggin' death. gould hasn't been calling for c-arm for any of his cases, except for one this morning, and that's really weird. so, i have nothing to do. except go around the hospital and steal magazines. oh, yeah, that's something you probably never knew about me is that i have turned into the world's biggest magazine klepto. i don't really remember when it started, but i don't care if it's good housekeeping, vogue or jet, there's going to be some article or recipe or cute thing in there that i want, and sometimes i'm too embarrassed to rip out the page, so i just take the whole thing. ever wonder why i carry such a big bag all the time? ok, well, it's for that and to hide candy and smoothies in when i go to the movies. so there. it's out. i steal magazines. well, no, i just USE them. not from peoples' houses, because THAT would be stealing. only from doctors' offices. and my hospital. because if they're laying down, they're fair game.

ok, that's all.

um, the whole reason i was posting again today is because i wanted to record the story of heather, me and the pilonidal cyst. i can't remember if i told it properly, so HERE GOES:

i found the "thing in my buttcrack" (which was its preliminary name), called the doc's office, described it in full, colorful detail (along with the n/v, dizziness & mid-grade fever), and she was like, "um, you better just come in". so, i got there and had to see a male doc (dr gleason) on whom i've never even laid eyes before. he came in, "hi, nice to meet you" - pleasantries were awkwardly exchanged as i lay there with my fanny up in the air, he pulls the sheet down and says,
"ohhhhhhhhhhhhh gosh." (that's my favorite thing to hear - in the doctor's office & while getting my hair cut)
"oh gosh, what?"
he said he knew what it was just from the description they were giving him & WHERE IT WAS. (mind you, i don't know the medical term for fanny crack, so i just kept saying that) ok, blah, blah, pilonidal cyst, only pops up in that particular area, etc, etc.
"so, what you're saying specifically, is i have a buttcrack cyst?"
he actually laughed and said,
"yep, so you need to head to the er - we'll call and let them know you're on the way - and talk to a general surgeon, because that thing needs to be taken care of ASAP."

i staggered up to the xray dept, because i thought that's where heather was still visiting, but i wasn't thinking very clearly. she had specifically told me to CALL HER when i got out, so she wouldn't have to lay claim to me upstairs, but it happened anyway. i got up there, and she had already gone back down. being that i looked homeless, and severely ill to boot, i freaked all of her co-workers out (no, really, they looked SCARED), and stumbled back down to find her. she drops me off at the er, goes to pick up ricky and take him and the twins home, then comes back.

i begged her to bring food. thank god. she shows up with spongebob cheeze-its and a baggie full of chocolate candy. they're not going to tell ME not to eat from the junk pyramid.

so the doc comes in, and before he EVEN touches me, i'm like (while i'm crawling over to hide behind the stretcher and throwing dirty needles in his path to slow him down), "hey, do you even KNOW what a pilonidal cyst is? i mean, have you had DEALINGS with one??? cause dr gleason told me not to let you touch me if it's, like, your second day or something." he was well-acquainted with them, and he was actually very good and gentle with me.

so, i laid on my tummy, and he dosed me up with lidocaine. that was the worst, since they were sticking me in a place that was already red and infected beyond all belief, so it hurt worse than any pain i've ever felt in my life (yeah, i know i haven't had kids yet, so a sore throat, painful gas and amoebic dysentery is all i have to compare it to). tears were running down the sides of my face, even though i wasn't crying, and i know i was probably breaking heather's hands, even though she won't say. i also kept apologizing for moving around so much - they said i wasn't, but i felt like i was about to kick the doc in the head. maybe i just wanted to.

my fanny kept squinching up closed, and i was really worried the doc was going to get his hand caught. i didn't realize it, but that's one of those kinds of muscles that you can't control when it's scared. well, YOU know, when someone tells a gross story or talks about something that hurts, and your butthole sorta shrinks up into itself. it was doing that, only it was my WHOLE butt, and it was taking the doc down with it. i knew it was going to be one of those, "ok, all finished!...wait, where's my watch?" things. i guess your body just has all those automatic responses to protect you from the really dangerous things, like doctors and shark bites and pencils and falling and glass shards in your eyes and stuff.

so, he takes the scalpel and carves this thing open ("they carved you up like a christmas turkey," heather said). i had my head turned, and he must have made the first cut, and i saw heather and nurse both lean WAY back. the nurse actually took a step backwards. i was like, "hey, where's everyone going?" the nurse said, "well, i don't want it in my eye." "yeah, it's on MY BUTT, and i wouldn't want it in my eye either." so, he's hacking and chopping away, and i asked heather, "what's he doing?" she said, "i don't know. it's gross. i can't look at it," and i was like, "look at it! LOOK AT IT!!!! tell me what he's doing!!!" so, she consented and gave me the blow by blow of everything he did. she was brave. so, he did all that really gross stuff that i've already previously described, and packed it with the iodophore wick and cut it off. he went out to write my scrips, leaving me there, nearly breathless and ALMOST crying on the stretcher. as i'm writhing in pain, heather looks down and says, "awww. it looks like you have a little pigtail! it's a little, sorta pinkish, curly pigtail!" that, like, made everything better. i was so excited to go in with an abscess and come out with a tail. that's the coolest hospital visit i've ever had.

actually, you know, right before he got finished packing it, my percocet kicked in, and heather said, "ohhh, you got that warm, sweatery feeling, like everything's going to be ok?" i said yeah, like my cheeks were all flushed and i loved everyone (just like i am when i'm drunk).

so, i wasn't writhing THAT bad. and then, the lidocaine wore off...........

at this point you can probably guess what happened, and you can insert your own words, because whatever you think it was, i probably said it.

surveys

i don't know why, but i LOVE these stupid questionnaires, where you quiz each other about yourself, to see what the other person is going to say or how well they think they know you. i want to post the ones people wrote about me, just so you can see what a diverse and strange individual i am!...you know, i didn't mean for that to sound so "LOOK AT ME!" *trumpets blaring* *red carpet rolls out* ew. i hate sounding selfish or narcissistic. it makes my tummy hurt. anyway, here's what other people think of me! you might learn things you NEVER KNEW!!!!

heather, my best friend:

Your name:
Jennifer Marie Braxton Harper


Where did we meet:
The Kirklin Clinic--you had pigtails that day

Take a stab at my middle name:
M-a-r-i-e

How long have you known Me:
crap...4 yrs?

Do I smoke:
only second hand

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
That you looked like a member of my family. Then you spoke and knew that you were my twin, switch at birth.

Color of my eyes:
light brown

Do I have any siblings:
yes, half brother, half sister

What's one of my favorite things to do:
laundry

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
yes. oh, do you want to say what it was? "I love Harry Potter, too!" or "Get out of way, bitch!" Something like that.

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
completely ghetto

What's my favorite type of music:
psycho slam and coldplay, although I've never heard you listen to music. Have you ever noticed that? We always talk too much to ever have music on.

What is the best feature about me:
your humor, your laugh, and your pilonidal cyst.

Am I shy or outgoing:
shy person trapped in an outgoing body.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
depends on if you like the rule. But usually you don't so, Rebel.

What's your favorite memory of me:
jeez. are you kidding? how can I choose? Ok. It's the Krazy Glue Incident of '04. That look of shear panic at the figurine stu
ck on your finger and begging for 911 is locked in my memory foreva.

Any special talents:
can sugically remove eye cheese. Clean and fold clothes better than a Chinese laundry. Stunt driving. Clogging, though I've yet to see any. And blow jobs.

Would you consider me a friend:
uh...yes. What kind of question is this? Jennifer, did you type up this test?

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
wack-a-do buttcrack

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:

your camera. when you don't have one stolen. To take pictures of sand and water. And of which ever one of us wasn't cannibalized. It would be a self portrait.
:-)

pretty accurate, i think. heather's the one who holds the key to all my "dirty laundry," which i end up doing every time i go over to her house, because it relaxes me, and it stresses her out. ("i didn't ask you to come over to do my laundry." "i know, but i had a bad day.")


this one is from my cousin, katy:

Your name:
I guess it's Jennifer. Or do you want my name? In that case it's Katy.

Where did we meet:
Probably in the hospital when I was born!

Take a stab at my middle name:
Marie

How long have you known Me:
27 years

Do I smoke:
no

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
probably that you were a little blurry. Like everything else around me.

Color of my eyes:
Brown

Do I have any siblings:
yes

What's one of my favorite things to do:
Email

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
Something like, "Hey. This is where Columbus discovered America!"

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
I don't understand this scale so I'll just say Ghetto for fun.

What's my favorite type of music:
I don't know this one... I'll jsut say Ghetto for fun again.

What is the best feature about me:
Your smile and your great hair!

Am I shy or outgoing:
I think it probably depends on the situation but mostly outgoing.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
I think it might depend on whose rules they are.

What's your favorite memory of me:
Playing at Grammy's house. Going to the beach together.

Any special talents:
you can clog!

Would you consider me a friend:
of course

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
dur! Jimmy

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:

your cat

now, me and kate grew up together and spent most of our young lives around each other. i did INDIRECTLY get her in trouble at school, by telling her that columbus discovered america in our grandmother's backyard. but for the record, she used to eat wild onions out of the yard and tell me they gave her "superpowers," then she would ruuuuun around the yard really fast, to prove it. and then her mom would call my mom and ask why she had diarrhea that night, and once again, i'd get the spanish inqusition.

so, there. we're even. &=)


i think i have more of these, so i'll post them when i find them. and you're always welcome to fill one out and send me one (or let me fill one out for you!). gordon and i have been talking about making our own list of crazy questions to circulate (because everyone LOVES chain, trash, fw:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:, "i know a guy who actually WON the ferrari," "microsoft is tracking this and will donate $5 for every email forwarded," "make your penis at least 7x larger!" kinds of letters. but we're lazy, and haven't.

ok, i'm at work, and i'm bored out of my gourd. i know they want us to stay off the computers, but i couldn't get on last night, a) because i pulled a double & worked at trinity from 4p-9p, and b) because the ants were SWARMING the computer the other day, so i made ricky unplug everything and move it into the living room, which, to him, sounded like, "in front of the bed," so we just haven't gotten it moved and plugged back in, yet.


oh, and it's payday. and i FINALLY got my rent paid. so, i'm terribly happy. (yes, it's the 22nd of september, and i'm JUST NOW paying rent - it's been a really bad month, hence one of the many reasons i hate septembers now). i just have to make sure to i pay off the credit card thugs, so i can keep my kneecaps this month.

(ooo, i just got to outspell someone on "fajita" just now - you don't know how happy it makes me to be a human dictionary. if i have no other talents than that, clogging, doing laundry & stunt driving, i'm a happy, happy girl.)

and for those of you keeping count, i have fanny cheek-packing visit #6 tomorrow, then me and the pigtail are driving out to town to see my family, because i'm HAVING WITHDRAWALS!!!! RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've been like a crack fiend, trying to go see my family;
trading food for brief cellphone conversations, slipping people $10 to bring me articles of their clothing, so i can smell them, and now, i'm going through detox, and i'm a COMPLETE bitch without them, which should make everyone in a 60-mile radius slightly on edge. so, i'm getting my fix tomorrow. hope everyone's at home, because i don't have any horse heads to leave in beds. maybe i could just leave pickle butts and carrot tops - THAT would freak people out.

well, except amy.
one time, when my ex-husband had just started coming to visit my family, i freaked out (long story) and left the house. i left him there, wearing my jammies, which were too small, and while he was trying to busy himself by burning dryer lint, he stepped on a cheese weenie. we still laugh about that.

ok, NOW i'm going. they're ordering roly poly, and since i have money today &=), i think i'll treat myself to something. hell, i deserve it. even though, it's probably going to put me in the hole. oh well! it's just paper! that the entire universe revolves around! and that's really disturbing!
&=)