Breaking down...only to rebuild

This is how it always goes.

I reach the absolute lowest point to which I can possibly sink. Then, everything starts pulling together. Fast. Almost too fast. And, then I'm forced to make a decision. And, THAT'S the part I'm really no good at. I have no confidence that I'll make the right choice. ZERO. I feel like, I've boned myself this many times over (which I'm assuming is why I'm in this situation), what makes me think I'm not setting myself up for another self-sabotage?

*huff* It's times like this that I'm pretty sure I'm my worst enemy, even though I really do want good things for myself.

So, these are my options. And, mind you, I still haven't had any offers - only interviews:

Job #1 - Skip Tracer
Insurance, 401k, PTO
No holidays, no weekends
Located in Birmingham

Job #2 - X-ray Tech
$21.31/hr + $2 shift dif
Insurance, 401k, PTO
6p-7a, 7on/7off OR 12-hr weekend shifts, plus various shifts M-F
Located in Pell City

Job #3 - Lab Tech
No holidays, no weekends
Located in Birmingham
*still don't know a whole lot about this job, yet - just found out about this one this morning

Obviously, my gut says, "Hey, you need money like a homeless man! Take that job in Pell City!" BUT, that would put me - yep, you guessed it - back in Pell City. And, while I ADORE my family and my friends who live there, I really can't imagine a worse fate...for MYSELF. The thought of living in Pell City is enough to drive me even further into an almost interminable depression. It's NOT the people I love, obviously. It's the shallow, bigoted, biased, intolerant, narrow-minded behaviors of everyone else who live there. It's like living in Birmingham, only on a much smaller and more concentrated scale. Plus, there's no theatre, there are no shows, no plays, no decent bars or clubs, etc. I'd have to drive back to Birmingham to do ANYTHING.

On the upside, I'd be back with my family, which is, in no way, a negative. If there's anything I regret about living in Birmingham, it's that I'm missing out on the kids' lives, and I don't get to spend ANY time with my grandmother. And, I'm only EVER going to rue that forever. BUT, if I get a decent, regular job in Birmingham, I can stay here, but I'll make enough money to afford gas and upkeep on my car, which is ideally what I'd like.

I like the idea of the skip tracing job. That sounds like a lot of fun. But, the lab tech job would put me back in the medical field, which for the record, I don't HATE. I just hate working with people who are deliberately hard to work with. I felt really stupid, because I had to tell the HR lady from the hospital about the bullying I had to endure for four years, when I worked at Highlands. I told her that I repeatedly told my boss, but he always ignored it. And, that's what usually happens.

That's why I never told my boss at Makario's that that asshole was stealing my tips. You really think he was really going to reprimand his family member, based on something *I* said? I'm not stupid. Unfortunately, being a boat-rocker and telling the truth has done nothing but screw me in the past, so I'm forced to choose my battles, now. And, I'm not going to generalize that race of people, but I know the people at Makario's always stick together, no matter what. So, that's why I quit. I didn't have to, but I also don't believe I should have to put up with that kind of mistreatment. I don't enter establishments with the intent of making trouble, but I'm always put into compromising situations, where I have to decide what to do, whether it's telling the truth, covering for someone, reporting something negligent or illegal...and you know what? After being basically unemployed for over a year, I'm not entirely sure it's always worth telling the truth, if *I'M* the one who ends up suffering for it.

I don't like that. I don't like having to compromise myself...FOR A JOB. All I've EVER wanted was to have a job, where I go in, do work, get along with the people, get out and get paid. Well, no. I've always wanted a job that I enjoy, as well as coworkers I could call family, no matter the amount of money I make. But, that's pretty impossible, with the selfishness that consumes people today. These days, I'd say probably 99.8% coworkers will throw you to the wolves without any reflection. The closest I've ever been to anyone was at Grow, and those people are still in my life. But, they're good people, too. No one there ever gave each other any crap. We always worked hard and worked together like an office SHOULD. I mean, holy CRAP! Aren't we all working towards the same goals??? I can't tell you the people with whom I've worked (and currently know) who work harder trying to AVOID work. It's insane.

I love working. I don't expect anyone else to. But, I do expect a certain amount of respect and even forced pleasantness to occur, when you're at a job. And, you know what? When you push yourself to be more positive, you actually BECOME that way. It's weird.

*INCOMPLETED* <-I hate when I do this...