1.16.2008

Tegan & Sara - The Con

I really hated this song the first time I heard it.


Now, it's become my theme song.

As in, I hear it everywhere I go...


I listened in
Yes, I'm guilty of this, you should know this
I broke down and wrote you back
before you had a chance to
Forget, forgotten, I am moving past this,

Giving notice
I have to go
Yes, I know the feeling, know you're leaving

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now, I'm coming around
Coming around but nobody likes to
But I really like to cry
Nobody likes me, baby,
If I cry

Spelled out your name and list the reasons faint of heart
Don't call me back
I imagine you and I was distant, non-existent
I'll follow suit and laid out on my back
Imagine that
A million hours left to think of you and think of that

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now, I'm coming around
Coming around, but nobody likes to
But I really like to cry
Nobody likes me maybe
If I cry

Encircle me I need to be
Taken down

Well nobody likes to but
I really like to cry
Nobody likes me maybe
If I cry

Nobody

Encircle me I need to be
Taken down


I'm pretty convinced that everything in the world is against me, and I'm never going to be allowed to be happy. Just a little FYI, it's my psyche that's doing that. It's not that I don't want to be happy. I just...can't. The easiest and most graphic way to describe it is kinda like a paraplegic. It's not that he doesn't WANT to walk - he surely does. He just CAN'T. I know sounds incredibly egocentric. But, I'm just a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. And, those of you who took the SAT know it doesn't work that way.

I AM the Expert Beekeeper

mood: frustrated

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

It's sleeting here, Jammy has both hands up under the bed (?), and Booboo is sitting in my lap.

And, the only thing that's coming to my mind is the phrase "Expert Beekeeper."

My mind is so derisively blank, I'm becoming a little stressed about it.

Work was blah today. We didn't do anything. I never do anything, it seems. It just doesn't feel like anything I do is going to make a bit of difference. I feel like Heather and I were just talking about the other day, that feeling where you'll never do anything else, at the place where you stand. You're just stuck. You can't move up, you don't want to move down.

But I feel like there's so much more to what I'm supposed to be or have or do or WHATEVER. I just can't figure it out.

Ok, here's the catch:


I want to get married.



Now, everyone scream and run away.



That's what I feel like I want to do.

I meet so many of these "prospects"...but you know, it's the always-present, never-changing dilemmas of "he's gay, he's married, she's a chick, he's just not that into you, he doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't believe in God, he's not ready," etc, etc, etc.

How the flarg did I get myself into this?!?

Oh...right.

Don't answer that, please.

Anyway, I'm so tired of waiting around for the world to come to me. But what to do in the meantime?

I don't know.

I don't know that I'll ever know.


Right now, I know someone's selling a Honda Civic Hybrid in the paper, and I'll be damned if that's going to be my car.

Ok, well, I hope it will be...

I need one or two things to be on the up-and-up for me. Just so I can have something to keep me going. Because right now, I'm pretty much sucking at life.

Frustration - unabated
*sigh*