Knowing isn't always best

I just want to know why he won't call me back.

He asked for my number, he called once, I've left him two messages, but he just won't call.

I just want to talk to him.

I don't know if I should, though.

Because I still love him.

And, that's not going to change. It's one of those things over which you wield no control. None. I'm afraid that he'll want to be friends, and I can't do that.

Does that make me a bad person?

I'm so nervous and sick about this whole ordeal. We left things on such a horrible note - I was so angry and bitter back then. Now, things are so much different. I feel so much more free......

....than I felt back then. I don't feel that weight on my chest and shoulders like I used to. Don't get me wrong - things creep up and jump me unexpectedly sometimes, but I'm doing so much better at managing.

And, I don't even think of the other. Sure, I miss that life, but I no longer miss that person. I'm so happy now, but I'm so lonely. When I heard that he'd been around and asking, everything suddenly felt so different.

I just want to hear from him.

Do you ever think of me?

I just want to know..................


Snow in May

Ok, there has been snowfall, and a moderate to large-sized snow drift has formed overnight in my path.

What this means is that I've encountered something that I know I will eventually get through, but I'm not sure when and how long it's going to take.

The things that I fear most are
the decisions I have the potential to make. I only want to make the correct decisions from here on out, but how do I KNOW what's correct and incorrect? I know everyone can't make the right decisions all the time, and that's fine. I just don't want to make those decisions I always make that have disastrous consequences.

I'm less stupid these days - ok, maybe only according to some. I still feel like a kid inside, but I have a lot of reasons for that, reasons that would require a whole new post. But I'm still the same kind of retarded grown-up I'll always be - the kind that
reenacts dramatic stories, wishes the Harry Potter adventures were real, and cries when someone close to me hurts my feelings.

But in the long-run, I've definitely become
more responsible, and I have NO idea when that happened. I'm still looking for the right place to live (I doubt I'll ever find it), the right person to love (and one who loves me back), and the right path to take, regarding the rest of my life. I'm still hell-bent on going into the Peace Corps or doing some sort of long-termed humanitarian work. Those are honestly my only desires at this point in my life.


I'm terrified at what's going to be on the other side of that

You look for me:

Will it be good, or will it just hurt me again? I don't know that I can be that person I'm supposed to be, but I'm damn-well trying.

Just don't expect me to not love you anymore,
because I still do.

1st Corinthians 13


Mem Day updates

Hi, Hola, Merhaba, Selam, Bonjour, Guten Tag, Salve, Здравствуйте, and happy Memorial Day to everyone! And, thank you to all our servicemen and the servicemen of other countries who have protected us over the years, and to those who are still overseas serving in this ridiculous war. I like to remain quiet on my political stances, so I'll just stop at "thank you."

I'm out with my family this wonderful Memorial Day weekend, but since it's Moonday, I'll be having to leave soon. (I have the "Moondays" pretty much Mon-Fri)

Oh yeah! I actually made it out here - IN MY CAR! I had to fill it up with water, then drive 55 all the way here, but that was ok. At least I'm here, eh? &=) I just dread getting back into the rat race when I return.

I've already told them that once Dr Gould (one of my biggest fans, er, uh, docs) has his surgery (this Thursday - don't think I haven't been counting down the days), I'm getting the hell out of Dodge...or Birmingham. I don't care what you call it, but I'm taking a vacation. And, it's going to be an out-of-state vacay. I don't care if I have to drive RIGHT OVER the Alabama line IN ANY DIRECTION!!! I'm getting out of here for a while. I also am not of the caring if I have to go by myself. I'm big, and I can totally take care of myself AND my panties!

I want to go to the beach, but I don't really see myself getting out in the day. I'm more of a vampiric night-crawler. Actually, you know what? I saw this huge adorable floppy sunhat at Wal-Consumerhell that I want to get. I could totally work that, an umbrella and the sunscreen on the bitches of Florida (or St Simon's, Heather????). You should SEEEEEEE how pasty white I am! It's not even that nice gothic white - it's just, well, the color of old, white, sun-abused skin. Ick.

Ahhhh...I'm picturing myself on the beach. Brb.

Ok, I'm back.

It was a short vacay, and I gained 15lbs, but I'm here. Blech.

Oh yeah,
my grandmother is doing wonderfully (I cried), Erica's graduation went really well (I cried, again), and I DID get to attend my cousin Kate's baby, Micah's second birthday yesterday (I did NOT cry), so that was fun. Pics of events will be coming soon.

All I need now is a baby, and I'll be straight.

Well, and a hub, and that will make things good. But, I'm having a feeling that will never happen. I've had several real busts, and I'm just sorta sick of the shit, to be blunt. So, I think a baby will be just fine. And me and my wee babe will travel the globe, and I'll teach him/her/them how to be REAL humanitarians and environmentalists.

And, as a sidenote, I just want everyone to know that I don't believe that anything I do makes me better than anyone else. Just because I'm a veg, recycle, volunteer, walk to work, drink soy and keep the lights turned off in my apartment, it's just the way I want to be. And, I want to raise my future gens to be that way as well. I just know that a LOT of others view those kinds of people as having "holier than thou" attitudes. YES, I know there are people out there like that, and all I can do is apologize for their snobbish behavior. I know what it's like to have a snoot in your presence and to know what he/she/they think about you. NO NAMES WILL BE MENTIONED HERE, JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS I'M NOT BEING RUDE, BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU THINK!!!!! *huff*

Ack! What was I saying? Geez, I got off on that tangent and completely forgot. Well, poot.

Ok, I just effed something up, trying to dump Amy's 700 pix off her card, so Imma gonna have to do some recon or something to get it back.

*pulls hair*

*pulls hair more*

Computers make me crazy when they don't do what I TELL THEM TO DO HELLO TO YOU COMPUTERFACE??!?! In Mother Russia, files delete YOU!!!!

Awww...I hear Hunter and Erica faux-fussing about something in the kitchen. That's so cute! I remember when I was like that!

Wait.........my life is STILL like high school!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!! *bangs head on monitor in hopes of another concussion*

Prayers go out to Anna-bug. Anna, everything is going to be ok. God is leading you - we just never know where, but sometimes we just have to grab His hand and trust to be led through the dark! I love you, and you know I'm here if you need me!!!

Hope all is well with everyone, and please everyone send updates, comments, whatev, ok????? I love you guys tons and tons!!!! I love reading about everyone, getting pics, the whole nine yards!!!!! I send well wishes, prayers and thoughts to everyone and your fams! *hugs*


Congratulations, Erica

I know I talk a lot about my family, but I don't really mention a whole lot of specifics about them, because I don't know if they want to be on the internets.

This time, though, I'm going to break that rule.
Erica, my aunt's oldest daughter, is graduating tomorrow. She's been accepted to BSC, a 3rd Division soccer team.

I can't tell you how proud I am of her. I mean, I know it's just high school, but this is also the first of their family to graduate.

I'm also incredibly sad that my mother isn't here to see this. She had always been Erica's biggest fan. Mom and Erica had a really special bond - unbreakable. They understood each other. It was like they were best friends. My mother would have been the loudest to cheer for Erica, and do that loud, high-pierced whistling thing Erica hated so much, as she walked across the stage. Mom would be videoing (and crying and shaking and cheering and messing the video up), while I took pictures. And, she'd be squalling, just like she did when I graduated.

Yeah, this is part where I start reminiscing, so go make a sammich...

I remember when Erica was really little, Mom would say, "Erica, would you go get me two Rolaids?," and Erica would get a stool, go in the medicine closet, find the Rolaids, open it up and get two out, and bring them to her. I know most people would freak out if they read this - "oh my God, you let a CHILD get you medicine????"

It's not like that. She LOVED it. It made her feel big. And she loved her Aunt Debby and would have done anything to "take care" of her!

She was a marvelous, peculiar (as in the incredible way) child. I remember sitting right outside the airport (back before they pulled you over and took you to jail in handcuffs for circling the airport more than once), waiting to pick up either Bob or Greg, who had flown in. She was about three at the time. I had a pack of cards, and she wanted me to teach her how to play a game. So, I taught her how to play Crazy Eights & War. Like some baby brilliance, she picked it up right away. It always tripped me out that she was three and could grasp the concept of both games. It still does.

She's always been brilliant. ALWAYS. Her whole life. She got lazy/boy crazy in high school, but who doesn't? I remember my best friend actually handing me her Algebra 2 test when I was a Junior, so I could copy it, because I just hated math and was too lazy to try anymore - psh, I was a JUNIOR.

Oh, and um, by the way, it's bad to cheat.


So, don't do drugs.


Ok, so, back to Erica. These are just a FEW things I can pull out of my head right now. She was a good, sweet, beautiful baby. She was allergic to toothpaste, ranch dressing and red 40. She loved Cheerios and lemon-lime Gatorade. She has a sock monkey that she's had, almost since she could stand, whom she named "Mownkey." She was fun and wild, when she was let loose. She was a mother hen to her baby sister, Shelby, when she was born. She was a performer, an entertainer. She was loving (still is, just in that teenager-ish way).

She won several beauty pageants, and I remember after one, where they only gave her a trophy, she told my mom, "Aunt Debby, they forda-got my crown!"

Erica's a really special and blessed child. She came from a complete tragedy that we thought we'd never get past. Amy was about seven or eight months pregnant when her husband, Eric (after whom she's named, obviously), Erica's biological daddy, passed away, but we'll cover that another time.

I hate that she never got to meet him. He was an incredible man. He was exceedingly hardworking - working at the plant, working at home, helping his parents on their farm. He looked like Phil Collins - only better looking. He had a band called Freedom Jam, and he was a wonderful, soulful musician. He was a DEVOUT Christian, as was the rest of his family. He was hilarious. &=) Just thinking about him makes me smile. &=) He loved games of any kind - video games, board games... He just loved being around family. He was that kind of person who literally could drastically change the lives of people he knew or met, even briefly. This man had no enemies.

He was just a good guy, but that's such a substandard, mediocre description to use. It was a terrible blow to his family, and ours, to lose him. We all grieved about it for a long, long time. Even now, it's hard to think back....

Erica's expressed several times how she regrets that she never got to meet him. I never met my dad, and I think Kate never met hers either. It's part of our "family curse" that we always talk about, but that's another blog.

Ok, on to BSC!!!! The last time I talked to Amy about this, she said that Erica said she wanted to be a school teacher like her mom. She'll be wonderful! &=) At one time, she thought about being a sports therapist, something at which I think she would also have been good, having MUCH experience on and off the field.

She's been in the dorm room before, from going to the BSC soccer clinics, and she said the dorms are SMALL. I remember all about that. Bluh. &=P It sucked. AND, I hated my roommate. I hope she's a lot more fortunate that I was. And, I hope she keeps her tail out of trouble! &=D

She called me last week, to get my address for her graduation invitation (and beautiful senior photo!), and we were chatting about the upcoming event. I told her, "I hope you're not as nervous as I was, walking across that stage. I was standing in the field thinking, 'Oh, God. They're kicking me out. I'm an adult....How did this happen?? I....can't do this!!! I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!'"

She said, "I know. That's exactly what I keep thinking. 'I can't leave. I can't do this on my own.'"

I told her not to worry, because I would be right down the road, and I could be there or help her with anything in the universe.

She said, "You'd better be expecting a LOT of phonecalls, because you're the closest! I don't know how I'm going to do this, because I'm still just a baby!"

I said, "You're not a baby. You're a beautiful and intelligent young lady, and you're going to do fine. We're all going to be with you, every step of the way. I remember going through the same thing 13 YEARS AGO! And all of you were always there for me when I needed you. You still are! There's no way we'd let you flounder!"
Birmingham-Southern has a pretty good rep, so I'm glad of that. The campus is safe, they have constant 24-hour security, a gated entrance, an emergency response team, campus escorts, in case you're out doing late studying, lots of good things. Here's part of an article published Feb 26 of this year:

Birmingham-Southern is the only institution of higher education in Alabama to receive an “A” for safety preparedness, and is ranked No. 9 in the nation in terms of safety readiness, making it the highest ranked national liberal arts college in America.

For here, in the middle of Birmingham, safety is my primary concern - for myself and for her (for everyone else, obviously). I don't want to worry about her walking at night (we've all done it), someone breaking into her dorm, some freak getting a hold of her. God, that's something that would set me on a killing spree.

They don't list anything about their athletics program, but this was her official notification of acceptance on their website!:

Women’s Soccer adds four more commitments for 2008 4.2.2008 | WSOC BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – The Birmingham-Southern women’s soccer program has received commitments from four more players, head coach Benji Walton announced today. Lauren Cage, Erica Ogle, Alicia Plotky, and Jillian Thiebert have completed their intent to enroll and play for BSC in the 2008 season.


YES, I'm going to try to go to as many games as I possibly can. Still working on the car business...

Here are their statistics for last year's games:
Overall: 10-10-0 Conf: 1-0-0 Home: 5-1-0 Away: 4-8-0 Neut: 1-1-0

So, she's got a lot of good things ahead of her. I envy her, in every possible way. She's very lucky, and I know that she's off to do great things. She's so beautiful, entertaining, intelligent and talented in just about every way possible!!

YOU DID IT! Congratulations and good luck, Erica, sweet girl, Queenie, Aunt Debby's "Peek!" You're going to be terrific. I'm so lucky to be a part of your life, and I will be here in any way possible, for any and EVERYthing, if you ever need me. I love you more than my heart can hold!


I Can Explain...

I'm sorry I haven't been "around." Things have been up and down over here, mentally, physically, psychologically, spiritually,...any other "ally" you can think of.

I found out some time ago that my ex is engaged. So, that kind of threw me for a loop. I'm ok now. It just took a few days to sink in. Maybe this will help me finally close that chapter. I mean, Jesus, I'm 30 years old, divorced like 4 or 5 years ago, and I can't make this better.

My brain/soul/whatever holds on to things. Even things that I don't want to hold on to. Things, pieces of paper, scraps, memories, words, dreams, feelings, knowing, pain, unachieved happiness, time...it's all there.

Then, Grammy had her heart surgery, which, thankfully, went really well.

And just for the record, if anyone you know and love is going into the hospital, for surgery or anything, please always have a notebook and pen on your person. There are so many medical errors, and it's so unfair for the healthcare system to hide things like that. Make lists of questions to ask the doctor, tell your loved one to request copies of their records, xrays, reports, any and everything. The average person doesn't know diddly-squat about what happens to someone in the hospital and can't understand when docs and nurses talk in all that medical jargon - so PLEASE, for yourself and obviously your loved one, do this!:

Ok, enough of my medical banter. I just hate to know that there are people out there who suffer because families either don't know what's going on and just put their full trust in the doctor (please don't do that), or they're too afraid to ask questions, challenge the doctor, or ask for second opinions.
Please do everything in your power to be involved with yours or your loved one's medical care.

Ok, seriously, I'll stop now.

So, my grandmother went in to Brookwood on April 30th. She had a heart cath done, and they only found 30% blockage in the LAD artery, which is excellent, I think, considering her age. They said the don't put in a stent unless it's 70% or higher.

He knew that if he didn't find anything in the cath, that the problem (heart palps, weakness, blacking out, fainting) could be solved with the pacemaker. So, after the cath, she went straight in to have her pacemaker put in.

Thanks, by the way, to Alison & Steve Smith. Heather remembered that Steve worked in the cath lab there, so she called Alison, who called Steve, who kept coming up to update me on how she was doing. It was all I could do to restrain myself from hugging him to death. He was on the ball, and every time she'd come out of something, he'd rush up to tell me, then tell me to act surprised when the doc came in! &=)

Thank you, Steve & Alison!!!!! I hope I can return the favor one day!

So, she had the pacemaker in, came back to the room and started fussing right away! I was so relieved, though. I was thinking, "you can fuss ALL you want to, because I'm just glad you're ok!!!!"

They got her transferred back to her bed, and Amy, Shelby & I swooped in to take care of her. Who needs nurses????

Oh yeah, for the meds. That's right. Sorry, Laura & Anna!!! &=D

She wasn't supposed to raise her left arm above her head, because of the surgery. The leads need time for scar tissue to form, to keep them in place. So, while we were talking to her, she pulled both her hands up and tried to FIX HER PONYTAIL! We were yelling, "Grammy, put your arm down! You can't raise your arm above your head!!," as she said, "Well, I have to fix my ponytail. My hair's all messed up." I actually had her left arm and was wrestling with her to put it down. Amy was yelling at her to put her arm down, and reached over to help me make her put it down.

We were arm-wrestling my grandmother, in her hospital bed, directly after surgery. &=\

How many times have you heard that?

Anyway, I hugged her and held her hand, and she was freezing! I went & got blankets, and covered her up like a mummy. She was real groggy from the sedatives they had given her, so she slept a bit. When she woke up, she actually let Amy feed her a quarter of a turkey sandwich. Her recovery was excellent, except that she couldn't get comfortable in that bed. It's hard after you've had surgery, and you can't roll onto the side on which you normally sleep. That happened to me after my knee surgery. But I went to the store and the gift shop, and got her watermelon and tea, both which she said she wished she had. She was so excited when I brought her those - she tore that watermelon up! &=D

I spent the night with her and slept like the dead. Amy left the Xterra with me, so that I could take Grammy home that afternoon (May 1). I went to work the next morning and worked until she called me to say they were starting her discharge. I left work, went to the hospital, of course waited another hour, packed her up and headed to Pell City.

We jabbered all the way home, and she was SOOOO glad to finally get there. She got this cool phone kit that she'd use to send in her pacemaker information - Gordon was pretty stoked about that.

I got her all settled, gave Gordon all the info on what happened, what's going to happen, and her post-operative do's and don'ts. By the time I was finally leaving Pell City, it was 2p, so by the time I got back to work, it would be 3p (traffic was gross), so I called my boss and told him I wouldn't make it - he was cool with it, which I appreciate. He was really accommodating with this stuff with Grammy - taking off a day, then only working half of the next day. He knows I love my family, never get to see them and want to take care of them.

Thank you, Chris. I really do appreciate it.

Ok, Heather's coming over to help me with this stupid work poster that's due tomorrow, so I have to get ready. I will update further...when I return. &=P

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has kids!

And just FYI, I hate Mother's Day, for obvious reasons. I try to treat it like any other day now, but it always catches up with me somehow. I do wish the best for everyone who has kids. But, it does actually depress me when I think about all the kids and moms getting together to celebrate. I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I know if my mom were alive, not only would my life be dramatically different, but we'd be best friends.

As a side note, the girls have been climbing all over me today. I think they can tell...

My cousin Kate sent me a really nice email last night:

Just wanted to send a note saying I love you. I know Mother's Day is probably a hard day for you, and I wanted you to know that I love you and was thinking about you. I miss my Aunt Debbie too. She was always my biggest fan (besides you!) when I was dancing. She was the glue in our family and I especially miss that. I pray that God cradles you in His loving hands tomorrow and that you would feel His fatherly love for you, His little girl. Let's please start doing stuff together again! You're the only person in the world that can finish my sentences! I LUB YOO!

She's right. My mom was a big part of the glue holding this family together. I can't help but notice that since she's been gone, we've all drifted farther apart, which scares me. We don't get together as much as we used to. But we all still love each other and want nothing more than for us all to be happy.

I just miss them so much...

This November, it's going to be 9 years, since she's been gone. There are days that I can't figure out how it's been that long, and there are days that feel like she's been gone an eternity.

One of the main things that bothers me is that I'm starting to forget. I don't have the most spectacular memory, so that makes it even harder. I can't remember her voice, I can't remember her hugs and kisses...sometimes I can't even remember her face until I see a picture.

I wish it would have been me. I know she could have been so much better off than I am.


I wish time and time again that I could see you just one more time. Just get one more hug, one more kiss, one more "I love you." The last time I saw you was when you were on that ventilator. I don't want to see that. I didn't want that to be the last time, when they intubated you, I came in and told you everything was going to be fine, and you looked me straight in the eye and softly shook your head. I can't get that out of my head. And you'd squeeze my hand whenever I talked to you. Why is that the only thing I can remember now?

Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

There aren't words to express my loss & pain from you being gone.