Me? Really?

Heather says every time she hears this song, it reminds her of me. Now if I could just find a man who thinks the same way...:

Her Eyes - Pat Monaghan

She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, true religion gets it all
If they fit right.

She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.
She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no

To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds.

She's a Gemini Capricorn
Thinks all men are addicted to porn.
I don't agree with her half the time,
But, damn I'm glad she's mine.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.
She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.

Tells me that she lived about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She doesn't know the word 'impossible'
Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to.
She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy.
She's beautiful. So beautiful.

And sometimes I think she's truly crazy.
And I love it.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She's not afraid
she just likes to use her night light.


(N)ever better?


Everything's fine.

I'm fine.

Just putting things back in order and moving on, as usual.

Just got over a horrible bout with pneumonia and a sinus infection, that almost put me in the hospital. It took me out of work for an entire week, against my will, mind you.

Today, I have my regular gyno appt (yay) - would you like to know the details? Because this
is the page of TMI.

Yesterday, I went and saw my shrink for medicine management - I'm actually doing very well, so we changed nothing. What that means is that even though you hurt me, I bounced back pretty quickly. I still hurt, and I
REALLY think you suck, but I'm ok. I won't be wasting time on someone who just wants to "be friends," but rather on finding someone who will waste time being in love with me. I'll bitch you out in another post, though. This one's about me.

This weekend, I'm going to find a good deep tissue masseuse, since my head is about to fall off my shoulders. I can't even look down anymore. Just turning my head gives me a raging headache.

This afternoon after the doc, I'm going to go home, take a shower and chill.

If Friday comes, fine.

If not, good.

Heather, I'm SO FUCKING GLAD you're home.

Amy, we'll fix everything - I promise. No matter what happens, we're going to be ok. You were there for me, and I'm going to be here for you.

Dwane, I'm sorry to hear about your father. I'm still sending thoughts and prayers your way.

And, of course, congratulations to my wonderful boys, Austin & Braxton, on their dedication to God and being baptized last night. Although you don't understand now, you will - I wish you undying and unwavering faith in the face of adversity.

Everyone else, as usual, I hope you're all healthy & well. You're all in my thoughts, and I'm always glad to hear from everyone!

*Hugs* to everyone...


Happy Father's Day - I hate this holiday, too!

Hey, happy father's day to all the daddies out there! Just know I'm incredibly envious, because I never got to know my dad, and the only guy I ever viewed as a dad molested me when I was younger.

But, hey, happy father's day anyway! I know that there are some good dads out there, and I hope you're one of them!

There were SO MANY times I wished I had a dad. Everybody else would talk about how great their dads were, and it made me feel so empty. What if I had a dad? What would he be like? Would he give good hugs? Would he let me sit in his lap and hug him, even when I got older? Would he be protective and want to meet all my friends and boyfriends? Would he take me to work with him and show me off as his "beautiful baby girl?"

Actually, he did do that. He and my mom worked for the same construction facility, Alabama Flange, and I seem to remember Mom saying that she would bring me up there, while she worked (it was a family business - they didn't care), and after I was born and she brought me up there for the first time, he took me from Mom and ran into the plant to show me off to all his buddies. I guess that means he was proud. Anyway, Mom was really freaked out that he and those guys were going to get me dirty, since they did a lot of dirty work.

Then, there was this time that he took me for a horseback ride, while my Mom had a coronary. I'm all swaddled up in my baby blanket, and Mom freaking out, yelling for him to bring that baby back!!! &=) That story always makes me smile, because I can just picture my mom. She was awesome.

You know, come to think of it, those are the only two stories I know about him. And, I have like three pictures of him. It's all very...vague. I wish *I* remembered...

Not too long after that, he was killed in an accident at work when I was like six weeks old.
I can't remember if she said they took me to the funeral or not. My earliest memories, though, are of still being in a cradle, except I was of standing age at this point. We lived with my Grammy & Granddaddy for several years after my dad died. And when we got our new house built, I was terrified of it. I remember being so scared that I'd never see my grandparents again. Everything turned out fine, though.

For some reason, this got me into googling people in my family. I found several things on various people; my grandmother, my grandfather, my grandmother's sisters, ye olde plant, Alabama Flange. I couldn't find anything on Mom, though, and of course, that got me to crying. I thought that if she would have made it, even for a couple more years, you know her name would be all over the internet. She'd have her OWN blog. I know she wrote. I read some of it.

Anyway, I couldn't think of anything else to look for. My memory is really bad, and I don't remember a lot of things. I wish I knew more about my dad. Like, was he a good guy? Was he a good dad? Did he like me? What kind of dad would he have been for me in the future? Would he have cried as he gave me away at my wedding? But see, now I can't even ask her. I just don't remember...

There are times I sometimes wish I had a whole family unit - a mom, a dad and a kid. I've ALWAYS wished for a sister, be like Erica & Shelb. Or maybe a brother, who would always look out for me and be protective, even though he'd mess with me all the time.

For some reason, though, God chose for me to be on my own, yet with a good support system. And, I've pushed and struggled and made it this far.

On a lighter note, that got me to thinking - they've got mother's and father's and grandparent's...why don't they have a Single Person's Day, where you can celebrate being single, and alone, and depressed? Oh, wait. I guess that's Valentine's Day.

Well, I'm still going to petition for Single Person's Day, where people can come bring me gifts and make reservations at a nice restaurant for me to dine alone - "one, please." They'll have sent me with money, of course, so I don't have to pay. And, maybe later, I could just go home and watch all the videos they rented for me - alone.

Yeah. That would be awesome.

Holidays are stupid.

While they're for giving thanks for the ones you DO have, they remind you a lot of the people you've lost and how much you miss them. At least that's how it works for me, since the only person I loved as much as I loved my ex-husband, my very best friend of my life, is completely gone.

I don't know that I'll ever be even slightly complete ever again.

All I can do is pray for strength and ask for love and support.

I should probably start now.


I can only say I told you so.

I should have stuck with intuition.

I should have worn the "break-up" clothes, after all.

Again, I repeat, I know we weren't actually dating, but I'd hope you get the point.

I got friended.

I should have listened to my own damn advice.

I got fucked and friended. In that order.

And, I've been squalling since he walked out the door.

I kept telling him over and over that I couldn't be friends with him. But he wouldn't accept it. He kept begging me for a hug. I asked him if I had just become an FWB, and he told me, "ok, friends with NO benefits."

I mean, seriously...are you fucking serious?!?!?!??! Don't you remember my attachable nature??? Do you even remember me?????

After all this sordid shit I've been and put myself through these past EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, this was NOT the category to add something to.

Jesus, I fucking hate myself.


Check, please

Hey, thanks so much for all the sweet words and web-hugs. I'm really lucky to have such great friends who care so much. It makes all the crappy stuff you go through not quite SO crappy. Thank you all, and I love you!!! &=)

Ok, so here's what's up.

I acquired pneumonia and some freaking sinus infection, so I've been really, REALLY sick for the past week. Doc won't even let me go back to work until Monday. So, I've taken a WHOLE FUCKING WEEK off work against my will. I'm really pissed about that. I have PLANS for those days...

Ok, then he and I have been texting off and on over the past three weeks. He actually came over to visit me Mon or Tues and brought me some Dayquil. &=)

But as my last post suggests, I just don't see it there. I hear from him, I don't hear from him. I'm not saying he has to talk to me 24 bleeding hours a day. BUT, that's why I think he's not interested. He seems...bored or something around me. And he only wants to "hang out" sometimes.

Granted, I don't know his situation. He may still be dating someone? Or living with someone? Or something that I'm not supposed to know about? Whatev.

Which brings me to the meat of the post. He texted me tonight and wanted to know if I want to go get drinks tomorrow.


And, before you say it, NO, I can't leave things alone and let them just play out however they will. I have to anticipate. I have to be prepared. Is this going to be one of those, "you know we can't date. I just want to be friends." Ok, well, in that case, why don't you just tell me and get it over with?

Or is this a real date?

I have NO problem taking things slowly (that's a lie), but I need to know if there's some prospect at the end of the road. I'm too old to be just flippantly dating anyone. I'm ready to meet THE ONE. I'm ready to settle down, I'm ready to start a family, I'm ready to mesh my life in with someone else's. And, Hewy, before you say it, I'm NOT trying to get married just for the sake of getting married. I have NO intention of doing that. But, there are things that I'm ready to do with my life, and I can't do them alone. Or rather, I won't.

That's the current drama. I'm so nervous about tomorrow...I just can't relax.

And there's so many decisions I have to make tomorrow. Should I wear "being sorta dumped" clothes? Should I wear regular date clothes? Should I let him drive, or should I drive my own car, in case I get "friended" and have to leave? If he drives, and I STILL get "friended," should I wear running shoes or take cab fare?

And, yes, I am thinking all of these things as I prepare myself for tomorrow.

I just have this feeling, you know? But, I have horrible expectations for everything. I'm just hoping this time is one of those women's intuition malfunctory thingies. This is the reason I changed my number. I don't want to past to keep coming back and hurting me. I've moved on from all that. If there's a place for him or anything else in my future, then good.

If not, why are you doing this to me? You already know me and know I'm not able to do what you want me to do. I'd love to be your friend, your best friend, but in this case, I wouldn't want to stop at that.

I love you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't know if I can play a bit part in your happiness.


Wish me luck and strength tomorrow. God knows I'm going to need both. &=\


Disappointed much?

You know that feeling you get, when you love someone, and you're all giggly and weird, and you love them a lot, and you're excited and have all that super-great anticipation in your chest, and you have hope for a possible future, that you can possibly right all those wrongs and catch up on all that time you've missed out on...

...but then you come to realize that they don't feel the same way?

And then all you can say is, ".............

It's like deflating one of those jumping things. The air stops going in, and it starts to slowly collapse. It gets smaller and smaller and finally starts collapsing in on itself. It loses shape, until it becomes a lifeless blob on the pavement.

And then the part where everyone runs in and jumps on it and smashes it down.

I'm at the
collapsing part.

I hate getting my hopes up for no reason. I hate having hope that's bashed against the rocks. I'd rather have no hope at all.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but remember when Tennyson wrote that thing about, "
it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"?

That guy was full of shit.

Jesus, I'm emo. I hate being this way. But it's hard when you feel like you have so much to give to someone...but nobody wants it. Nobody wants

I guess I wasn't meant for this. I'm meant for other things.



How have you been? It's been a long time....

He called.

Actually, he texted.

I'm happy. &=)