countdown to...

mood: coughing

i've been up for 3 solid hours, gagging my brains out. i don't know what the hell i have, but i'm sick. still. it's screwed up my entire work week, but thankfully, i had a pretty good paycheck come yesterday, so thank the beans for that.

it is currently 5:24a, and i broke down and went to bruno's to buy some NAME-BRAND cough syrup (robitussin, you sold me - but ne'er again!), so that should be doing the job...any minute now...i'm totally sick as a frog and delirious from lack of sleep thereof. jammy's sitting in my lap, staring at me, causing me to wonder, is this how i'll be ringing in the new year?

but, no. i think i'm going to hang out at heather's for the new year. not that it's anything - just another day, and i'll be going to work the very next day. oh well. not much to look forward to. or is there?


2006 - not so bad.

2005 - blew.

2004 - even worse.

ahhh, we won't go backwards, because there's not much good there. but there is good coming. my finances predict such. and so does jammy pie. she says everything will be just fine. i think booboo is in the bed. she also thinks everything will be fine. i have everyone out of my house, cept'n me and my girls, and although i'm still unsure of what to do when my lease is up in july, i have a kind of warm inside feeling that everything will be ok. it's prolly God. or the cough syrup. or a lil of both.

so, what else is going on? not much. just throwing myself into work, but justifiably so. still hoping for the hottie doctor? sure. who isn't? how about friends? they're still there. i'm not rushing anything.

one of my very good friends laura got engaged not too long ago, and while i'm a little irked that i'm still standing here, with my two cats, fair on the way to becoming "crazy cat lady," i revel in her happiness and celebrate her joy. it's LONG overdue.

congratulations, love - you only deserve the best!

hokay. i'm going to dig out some old spongebob and lay down with the girls. surely, the coughing must be about exhausted. if not, my head WILL explode from the pressure...or the neighbors will be in here with lit torches and pitchforks to dispel the maker of the noise.

*HACK* *wheeeeze*

maybe, i should double dose. *snerk*

Currently reading : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy By Douglas Adams Release date: By 30 April, 2002


the one about the phlegm

sorry, guys. i've been really sick during the holiday, so i haven't posted anywhere, nor have i been on the computer. i was able to spend christmas eve with mark, amy & the kids, but even then, amy had the flu, and me and mark were just sick as shit. aside from being able to hang out with my family, my holiday has been shit. i'll never work another fucking holiday as long as i fucking live. this shit is retarded, and they don't even appreciate the fact that you do it.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:


i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.



seal hunt

there are only 3 months left until the canadian seal hunt begins. please take a second to sign this petition., and if you have time, read some of the info on the site. to be perfectly honest, i don't know if these petitions ever do any good, but just in case there's a chance...


if you don't believe it's horrible and completely inhumane, please feel free to watch the accompanying video on the site. if you're not totally disgusted, then you probably aren't friends with me, and the mental institute doesn't know you've escaped.


on being a vegetarian

i just read another blog about this guy's experience with being vegetarian, and while i appreciate and respect his candor, i can't say i completely agree with everything he was saying, which of course, is my right. either way, you can read for yourself, if you like:


um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.

"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."

anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."

i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"

not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:


ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.

i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).

but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"

well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.

anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.

so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.

i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.

i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.

until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.

i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.

*sigh* sucks getting old.

so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!

sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.

as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.


those aren't doritos...

heather just sent this to me:

Vegetarians are more intelligent, says study. Frequently dismissed as cranks, their fussy eating habits tend to make them unpopular with dinner party hosts and guests alike. But now it seems they may have the last laugh, with research showing vegetarians are more intelligent than their meat-eating friends.
Full Story: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23378331-details/Vegetarians+are+more+intelligent%2C+says+study/article.do

MESSAGE: See? You knew you were smarter than the rest. I would have known that too, except me ate meet. ;-)

see? this is why me & hj are bff.

i new thoz pante chips wern't that bad 4 eatng.



booboo staking her claim on the elusive sleeping shelby

a retarded pic of me

me & my sweet buddy at "gobs of fun"
me & heather at the hp3 movie premiere
waiting for the movie to start!
booboo & her catch
laying on the bed, watching family guy
me, being retarded, taking pics of myself

thanks, gobbliscious!
booboo & jammy smelling thanksgiving dinner!
booboo & that jumpy chicken toy
jammy napping
jammy *sigh* getting in trouble again
jammy biting mommy
jammy & mommy


not only am i out of my meds (cocks shotgun), but NOW i'm getting SICK!

this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.


BLAH! &=(

posting pics

i just realized that i NEVER post any pics on here.

for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.

and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.

and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.

alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.


shipping sans sex

hmm...let me just elaborate on yesterday's post.

this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.

some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.

several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.

now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.

but i can't.

so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.

but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.

i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.

so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.

i was talking to a friend yesterday about this, and here's an excerpt from the letter i sent back to him (pardon the french):

all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
either way, you're right. i just have to say no and let the "friendships" suffer. i went through this several years ago - fucking my way to having friends. but i'm retarded, because i KNOW these people aren't REALLY my friends. i mean, i'm not going to kid anyone. i like sex just as much as the next person. but when i LET myself do it with the wrong person, that just makes for emotional trouble for me.

basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?

i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".

i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.

so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.

i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.

however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.



Current mood: curious

yo, yo, yo - love blows.

relationships suck.

friendships are always tainted.

why can't people go about this without sex on the brain? without having some kind of "payoff"?


militant hummingbird

ok, so i saw this really sweet video yesterday, where this chick was holding an injured hummingbird in her hand, helping him eat out of a flower.

which apparently led to the dream i had last night.

i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.

just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."

for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.

after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.

so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.

more laters...


a chill day

i'm ok today.

we're not busy in surgery, and my hair is actually fixed. i'm still tired, and i have hella-things to do/plan/schedule. but i'm ok. still feeling a bit abused, but whatever.

whatever to that.

heather, God love her, went and paid my rent for me this morning. i ended up having to do so much running around, trying to withdraw money, that by the time i got to the western union desk, it was 2 min after 9. they close at 9. i wanted to rip that chick's hair from her scalp. so i dropped the money at heather's, and she did it for me this morning. i don't know what i would do without her to pick up all my straggly pieces.

i'm just coasting, for now. i'm waiting for life to spontaneously improve. sometimes i just get tired of trying so hard, so i'm going to just sit back and let things happen. you know, i'm kinda in that mood where i'm like, "f* my credit, f* the bills, f* rules, i'll just do things when i do them."

i work when i can work.
i pay bills when i have the money.
i do things when i feel like it.
i don't when i don't.

i'm just so tired of being stressed out about dumb things. but i can't really help it. it's one of the many psychotic things that make me me. i'm just moody right now. well, actually, i'm relatively calm, compared to the hellacious weekend i had. well, not even hellacious - just busy. see, i can't even find the words to fit my feelings right now. i've been having that problem a lot lately. i'm just kinda...lost in my mind, in my thoughts, in what to think and what i really feel. i'm just...drifting.

btw, it's really frigging cold outside today. this is one of the first times that i can honestly say i'm getting old, because my neck and knee are KILLING me. i wish i had someone warm to cuddle with. it's not that i couldn't find someone...it's just that i can't make myself. not right now. there's too much...too many head things. too many things and people screwing with my head. if i could grant myself one wish, it would be the complete inability to have sex - that way, i could find out who still loves me for me. i think i have a pretty good idea. although i thought i already did at one time. i always think i have a clear-cut idea of things, but i'm pretty much just fooling myself.

if you see me on the side of the road, don't stroke. i'm probably just trying to find myself. or i've run out of gas again.


4x power-up

mood: full


i am sated.

happy? sorta.

content? very.

disappointed? somewhat.

still feeling...cheated, and hmmm...i imagine there's a word for how i feel, but i'm too clouded to find it right now. i'm close to...maybe cloud 7.5? not 9, because that's perfection. it would have been 8, but someone pulled that one out from under me, once i fell from 9. so i'm grasping onto 7, trying not to plummet.

it's funny the way life doesn't work out sometimes, eh?

that's ok. i'm just going to go to the store to get some things and pretend i'm not thinking about it, like i always do. i'm good at that.

damn, i'm high - and i'm not even toked. i could bottle this feeling and become a billionaire.



my butt hurts

i feel like i'm having a really difficult time keeping my brain in my head. it keeps wanting to, i don't know, burst out of the front or something.

how can you do that? how can you WAIT 5 MONTHS to tell someone something like that? HOW? i'm a different person than her, but REALLY...how do you "build up" to dropping that kind of bomb on someone?

it's not for me to judge, i know - but i am, so suck it. i'm so...pissed...or something that i don't even know right now. i mean, i was the one who stopped everything, in order for us to make intelligible choices. you know, i didn't HAVE to do that, but it was like the ONE TIME in forever that i didn't make a decision based on what felt good at the moment. and now, it's like i'm being punished for doing the right thing! i mean, WHAT THE HELL???


i think that this is, like, a TOTAL sign from God, that i should:
a.) go ahead and join the peace corps, which was my original plan, or
b.) never leave the house again

unfortunately, i'm entirely too coked out on emotions right now to make a deliberate and well-thought out decision. i can think of, at the very LEAST, 27 insane things that i'd LIKE to do, and i'm not EVEN going to mention any of those.

you know, i get the fact that i'm well and still ok and still employed and still have my health and all my teeth and the people i love, etc, etc. but i just can't help from having that "cosmic anally screwed" feeling. i don't mean "cosmic" as in God. i just mean...well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they dropped pluto off the planetary list. somehow i'm responsible for that, and now i'm paying for it.

this is insane. i feel insane. my brain has just imploded.

my only concern right now is what brand of cigs i should start smoking. maybe i should just move directly to crack, cut out all that middle shit.

like heather said, i'm expecting for a cuckoo bird to pop out of the front of my skull any minute. at least i'll be able to always tell what time it is...probably.

gravitational field: on


my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. i keep expecting someone to jump out from behind a corner and yell, "surprise! you've been on tv for the last 7 years!"

i'm....speechless. i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm sad, i'm sick, i'm angry, i'm confused.

i met a guy...a nice guy. i mean, i've actually met a few nice guys. but this one...i don't know. i'm....i can't find words. he's....wait, i thought that i had kind of had some "feelings" for him. but he had this ex, looming in the past, waiting for the right opportunity. and boy, did she.

i had kept telling him that he needed to get his issues with her sorted out before we went down "that road". he kept saying, "you're right, you're right." so they talked last night.

she's 5 months pregnant................