Stiff-upper something

It seems as though my day began in tears and ended in tears.

He starts school tomorrow. I'm so proud. I'd always known he was better than for what he'd given himself credit. He's going to do good things and not stay in the same job forever. Maybe he'll find real happiness in this work. Not that he's not happy, now - I've just always known he was capable of so much more...or "world domination," as he put it.

I love him so much.

But, I have to let it go. I have to pretend...make believe it's all okay. Because it won't be any other way.

Heather and fam left for the Nickelodeon hotel thing in Orlando today, so me and Jack are on house-watch duty.

Then, my Anna.B informed me that some po-dunk assy ass doctor is trying to make her have colon surgery. I promptly gave her the name of Mom's doc, Dr. Brian T. Guffin. This man is a God amongst colons. I swear, when Mom was going through all that bullshit with her leukemia, this man was one of the most wonderful docs we ever encountered. God love her beautiful soul, she had to have a radical hemorrhoidectomy, and it was one of those things that no one would should have ever have to endure - I mean, EVER.

*ACK* I can't think about it, because it makes me cry to think about what all happened during that time.

*Not now* *Not now* *Not right now* *Put it in the box* *Not right now*

Anyway, this man was the tiniest gleam of wonderful that we encountered during that deplorable time in her illness. He's with Colon & Rectal Surgical Associates of Birmingham, PC. And, all puns aside, no shit, when you're dealing with something this humbling, embarrassing and debilitating, you can't just dick around with anyone. This is some serious shit. I don't know if anyone else has ever had heinie problems, but it's not cool.

Anyway, my Anna.B, I love you, girl, and everything is going to be okay. You know I've got your back(end), and I'll do whatever I can to help you out!

So, I realized, as I was going through some old music, that I'd never posted lyrics to one of my favorite songs.

(uh, oh - lyric time! THAT'S RIGHT! SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!)

I heard Zero 7's Destiny for the first time in over a year, and cried and cried. The lyrics aren't true for me...but I wish they were:

Zero 7

I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

I'll fly, I'll fly home
I'll fly home and I'll fly home

Then, I went back and reread (Cary Brothers, Ride - 5.22.07), which I should never, ever do...
It was during a time in my life, when I actually still had a choice to make things, as opposed to breaking them.

The night concludes with my grief, regret and sorrow falling from my eyes, mouthing the words to those two songs.

As Stina would say (Winter Killing), you're safer with me here, and you there.

I love you, babe. Good luck.

My Day in Less than 400 Emotions

Fell apart today.

Only one person saw, though, so the casualties were kept to a minimum.

Too much stuff on my mind. Not any more than any one person.

And, it all came to a head with one, solitary text:

"Hi :)"

I've been feeling grumpy/grouchy/pms-y/slack-jawed/glazed-over all day long. Yes, I'm on my period, so that's somewhat understandable. What isn't, though, was the fact that I lost it.

It started with having to work with, in my opinion, the world's worst surgeon. We'll call him Dr C. One day, when you're older, and I don't work here anymore, I'll be able to tell you why I don't like him. But, because of what he said, that causes me to wish him to burst into flames, it would completely give away his particular speciality. So, I'd best not.

Anyway, working with C was my first case. Hate him.

(Actually, I'm pretty sure my whole problem with today was waking up, but that's something else, I'm sure.)

Second, I had to go work in pain clinic, which actually WASN'T so bad today, until Dr Pain started jumping my case about me making a mistake. I'm on my period, I'm wearing, like, 1000lbs of lead, sweating my ass off, I already FEEL like shit, and him screaming at me only gives me the urge to rip off his head and piss down the hole in his neck. Thankfully, my coworker came to relieve me not too long after that, because my mouth was filling with malignity and obscenities, and I was having to swallow it back like vomit.

I get back to the department, and I get another call for downstairs (the OR). Back down I go to ANOTHER Dr C case. The other thing I hate about this guy is that I've been working with him for over four years, and I'm pretty sure this douche STILL has yet to learn my name. He's another advocate for the meat-teamers. The opposite sex should be on their knees from the days they're born. And, if you don't get what I'm saying, he's a real-live male chauvinist. And, I hate those. And, I hate that those exist, because I have to be really, really, REALLY quiet and passive around them, or I'll end up proving their points. I'd love for nothing more than to take a chauvinistic, misogynistic pig like that, and...

...well, I'll leave that unsaid. You can do your worst with your imagination, and you STILL won't understand the repulsion and execration I have for people like this.

Sorry, and although it's a bit unrelated to the day, it was going to come out eventually. I've never had the slightest bit of misandry - yes, guys get on my nerves from time to time, but I've never tried to pigeonhole the entire sex as buffoons or jackasses. I know there are, like, at LEAST half a dozen out there, who are untainted.

(My attempt at humor in the middle of a horrible day. Laugh or don't. No one cares.)

Okay, so I get relief from that case (and when I say relief, I use the sincerest of meanings), and as I step into the darkroom, to disrobe and remove my smelly, sweat-drenched lead apron, I get the text:

"Hi :)"

I briefly hinted at a smile...then, suddenly, as if the sky itself had opened up, tears started pouring from my eyes, and I started sobbing. Like, bodily sobbing. There's a tiny piece of space behind the processor, so I hid there about two minutes and composed myself. I got to the elevator, pressed the button, and it started again, but I reeled it in, like an old pro. I made it all the way back to the department, into the room where my boss was taking an x-ray and said, "Can I use your office for a minute?" He looked (down) at me curiously and said, "Yeah...is everything okay?" "Yep," and I walked off.

I walked by the table, grabbed a whole, new box of tissues and made a beeline for the office. I had barely shut the door, before it all started again. I sobbed so hard, I couldn't breathe. I had to pull the trashcan over and heave into it, because my nose kept getting stopped up. And, the first thing that came to my mind, as I doubled over in anguish, was, "Why can't you love me?"

Now, if I don't get over THIS shit soon, I'm going to be right back in the hole...and I'm not going in there. Fuck that shit.

Then, after him, it became everything else:
  • why can't I make ends meet?
  • how can I pay my rent this week, if I don't even have enough in my account to cover it?
  • why am I still alone?
  • will I ALWAYS be alone?
  • will I ever get to have kids, a family?
  • my car is falling apart - how am I supposed to pay for repairs?
  • how can I possibly cut costs any more than I already am?
  • I don't feel good, I need to go to the doctor, and I can't possibly afford another doctor bill!
  • what am I supposed to do about that stupid $1600 apartment shit on my credit?
  • what if they won't let me get another apartment?
  • why can't I take care of my grandmother like I should?
  • where's my mom? - I NEED her!
  • how can i possibly EVER pay off all my doctor bills?
  • why does Jack eat doo-doo?
  • why do I hate my job so much?
  • why is there so much pain and suffering in the world, and I'm sitting here crying about NOTHING?
I had picked the boss' office, because it's the farthest room from anything else in the department, so I knew no one would hear me.

I was wrong. A coworker came in and attempted to soothe me, God love her sweet soul. She brought me a couple of cold cloths, some Sprite, several Advil, and tried her best to talk me down. But, it just had to come out. It had to. It was absolute rumination. There was no way I was choking it back.

The thing that pisses me off more than anything in the free world is this: I DON'T HAVE IT ANY WORSE OFF THAN ANY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. If anything, my life is
filled with blessings. I'm NOT suffering! Things are great, except for the fact that I'm having a really hard time with money, and I'm SUPER-lonely. But, all that is just the way it is. IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE, no matter how much I squall and bellyache about it. In the end, it will all be okay. Everything will work out. IT ALWAYS DOES.

But, today, it had to be complete ruination. Were I not on probation, I definitely wouldn't have picked today to come to work.

My apocalyptic disintegration lasted exactly 45 mins.

I fucking hate days like these. And, it's so not over.

As a sidenote:
This -
Hi :) - is what I cling to on a daily basis. It can sustain me longer than water in the desert. Sometimes it's all I get...for days or weeks. But, it brings a smile to my pale, haggard face, and lightens my laden heart, even if it's only for a minute.

Right now, I live for that minute to happen.

I really need to find more to this life...because there is no guarantee - for anything or anyone.