10.01.2006

for those of you who are lost...

there are people who read this (christ only knows why), who don't really understand me.


just to let you know, i'm in a downswing. i'll brood for a couple of weeks, then i'll be ok. it's the way my life has been, coming up this november 9, for the past 7 years.



and it will continue until i die.

i hate me

i hate me. isn't that enough? does it have to be more? how much can you possibly hate yourself and continue to live with yourself? is there a point where you can hate yourself so much that you finally implode and can never hurt anyone again?



I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say you that love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months; it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then i fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you



i just found out that amanda peet is pregnant. i know that means nothing to anyone, but me and the few people to whom i've mentioned it. it's one of those things that no one would really get, even if i explained it to them.

someone asked me the other day what i wanted. what do i want? that's a great question. and on days like this, i'm pretty sure i could answer it completely. i want my ex-husband back. and i'll never get him. he's gone, and i'm dead to him. i feel like i can say that out in public now, and not be crucified. he's the only one who ever understood me, and at this point in my life, i can safely say, he's the only one who ever WILL have understood me. it doesn't go much farther than that. i can actually relate to my 40-year-old uncle, who still lives at home with his mom. i never thought i'd be able to say that. but our dilemmas are so similar, it's almost cosmically sick.

what do i want? i want someone who gets me. i want someone who loves me above everything else in life. i want someone who's main reason in waking up in the morning is me. i want my place on the pedestal back. i live for my friends & family, and i want someone who does the same for me/us. i want a family. i want a real life, not this faux-shit i've been experiencing since aaron's been gone. what a complete crock of shit, and i only do it to myself - over and over and over again.

i made a new friend on myspace, and he hit the nail on the head - he said my feelings for aaron are still there - i'm just trying to find someone to fit in that aaron-shaped hole. and so far, i've found nothing remotely close. i wish TO GOD that i could say i didn't love him anymore. but i can't. i love him. i love who he was, and i know i would love who he is. i've never doubted that. and i've tried to quash that sick, strange, uneasy feeling, that won't go away. i've tried to kill it with everything that makes me who i am. i've used all my energy to kill it, kill that tiny grain of hope that remains for NO REASON. but it won't go away. and i feel like it's killing me. it poisons every thought i have. every day is a new day to figure out some sick, deranged way to torture myself with the thought of him, what we had. it was perfect, and i'll slit the throat of anyone who says otherwise. it was me. when i lost my mom, i lost my mind, and that's the only way to describe it.

i have to eat now. i don't know why, but i keep living. i can't help but laugh at the sick and twisted irony. i laugh while the tears flow freely. everything i hear is a piece of my soul, crying out to be heard.

i wish it would shut the hell up.

waiting for the toilet paper

current mood: sleepy

i'm awake now, and i tried to do that stupid posting a pic to my bio, but it won't work, because I'M retarded. so screw.

anyway, i'm awake, and i had to get toilet paper. actually, i had to sit and wait while ricky went to the store to BUY some toilet paper. yeah, we're doing goooood. we're actually supposed to be getting ready to go apartment hunting.

those damn apartments...they killed my father and raped my sister. i'll get you, chateau orleans. i'll get you...

anyway, we gotta hurry up and get out of here before i kill someone. namely jeff. i'm just ready to get the f out of here. i should still be living alone, but i just realized i hate that. i'm a ween, and i like for someone to sleep in the bed with me. it's not that i get scared. i'm just...strange. it doesn't matter who it is - it could possibly be someone i totally hate. maybe i should just get a corpse or a blow-up person to keep in the bed. because i don't really cater to someone being here while i'm awake. i can do awake just fine sometimes. but asleep - nah. and i'm not scared of the dark, and since that jackhole took my knife, i have my baseball bat, so i'm not scared. i'll nail a fool for knocking on the door - i can protect the homestead. i just hate being alone while i'm unconscious. weird, huh?

oh, and i wrote this on myspace. i hate having two blog-ish things. but here:

Thursday, September 28, 2006

living the lie
Current mood: disappointed

i just realized that i'm living a lie, and i can't stop. how do you stop living the only life you know? what if you hate it? what if you hate everything? how do you just walk away and start over? is it possible? i don't think so. i don't know. but i'm sure as hell going to try. little by little, i have to break away. there's very few things in this life that i want, and i just realized it. it's like when you think of something really important, and you're sitting on the toilet. well, i was in the shower. and i got it. and now i have to fix it. i'm always good at fucking things up, but i suck at fixing them.

ahhhhh, well, we'll see.


**so, i wrote that the other day. and i keep thinking there's something on my mind that i need to type, but now it's gone. i hate that. it just means it will crop up and bother me later when i don't have any paper or a pen or something.
cripes, i'm so sleepy. must...find...apartment.......get the.....hell....out of.....dodge......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............