You're making my head hurt

Really. My head is killing me.

What isn't stressing me out?

I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am.

But, please.

Please let me do this.

Don't push me. Don't pull on me. Let me do this. Let me be strong. Let me make it.

Because I feel like I'm seconds from collapsing........


Heather, why is it so cold in here?

I'm over at my Mig's house right now. I brought over all of my DISHES, to use her dishwasher. How sad is that, huh? &=D I think it's fantastic that I hate doing dishes. But, come do my dishes, and I'll do your laundry for a year. I can do some mad laundry - ask anyone!

Anyway, the internet at my house is down, since we had that flood that crashed in Justin and Ali's ceiling. We're using Tanner's 2Wire modem, which apparently means we're on dial-up...and the kind of dial-up that doesn't actually work. I can make it through 2 pages, before the damn thing shuts completely down. I'm wondering if it's maybe just my computer, since I've heard no one else complain.
Note to self: investigate internet booboos.

And, thanks to an unnamed source (thank you, unnamed source - I know who you are and that's all that matters), I now have my medicine, gas in my car, both my headlight and my brake lights replaced, cat litter, I'm going to get my license renewed tomorrow, and I was able to make it to my work dinner on Saturday night! Thank you!!!! thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!! It's been rough, but now, I think I can make it. I'll get paid this Friday, then I can work on paying tiny bills, then working my way up from there. I was doing okay for a good bit, until something happened, and I was down again.

Unfortunately, I'm not really ready to mention that "something" until I find out more about it.

I feel so serious, lately. But a lot of serious things have happened. My mind is just constantly spitting out things that I need to blog, talk about, ask someone, remember, write down, do, forget...but it never comes at the right times. Things happen daily that makes me want to blog. But, someone/thing always takes me away from that.

Fortunately - the beacon in the night - dance classes have started back. I'm so glad, and I've already started doing sit-ups! I've got so much work to do, and I practiced NONE this weekend! Well, I practice doing the basic hip shimmy singles in the grocery store or wherever, but that's really kinda hard with other people around. Otherwise, I do butt squeezes in the car (heehee), and I'm constantly doing anaerobic stuff with my abs (read, squeezing my stomach muscles and holding my breath, until right before I pass out!). But I love class nonetheless, no matter how fat my reflection is!!!! (Btw, it's huge. I think the mirror adds like up to 15lbs or something.) No worries - this is my time to get into shape, which is good, since my entire body is killing me. At least I won't feel the lactic pain once it sets in!! That will be secondary to everything else I'm feeling!!!
But, I'm okay. I'm kind of coming to terms with the pain. Doesn't really make it any easier, but I'm so good at faking the looks of sheer terror that cross my face, people just mistake it as me having a good day! &=D Whatev.

All I know is that the plan needs to hurry up. What am I saying? That's up to me! Well, anyway, if any of you know how I can get to Sudan, please let me know. Peace Corps doesn't offer that as an option, and just suck up whatever I know you're going to say to me, but I want to start with the hardcore. I want to go to the bad places. I'll go to Darfur. I don't care. I don't believe that's tempting fate. I do believe, however, that God will protect me (all atheists chuckle) and keep me safe for as long as I'm supposed to be here. Otherwise, I have some wonderful people waiting for me in the afterlife.

Assuming I "get in," now. With my behavior and antics, as of late, some people would be concerning themselves with that very thing. Please don't. Me and God talk...a lot more than you'd think. We're close. He knows me, and I'm pretty comfortable with Him. So please take comfort in the fact that the "retard" has her own soul in check.

Ahhh, but Sudan.....who would join me? Anyone? Nah. It's no one else's cup of tea. People get scared at the thought of, not only the travel, but the vision of the reality of that much poverty. Every night, I chide myself for doing nothing. You think I exaggerate? Every night, I ask God for forgiveness for being so selfish and so self-centered and so wasteful and egocentric and "American." For all that God has given me, I should be working right now to give others just the tiniest taste of those same privleges. To be with people who actually appreciate life, instead of people like me, who rue every, single day - I can see that being beneficial. And, diseases? Wars? Oppression? What about the many dangers that come with it?

I can't seem to make people understand that I'm okay with that. You may think it very selfish of me to "do this to my family," but I like to think of it the other way. I feel like I'll be representing our family and the morals and values with which we were raised and believe (maybe some of us, anyway). God or no God, people can be good and can do good things. So many people I know are living proof of that.

The vulture and the child.

I think about her every day of my life and every night before I go to bed.

I will help.

I will do what God has called me for.

Maybe someone will one day join me so we can be twice as powerful.

I may not know much of anything else,

but I know how to help.


Hello, my friend, hello....

11.6.08 - 12p


This has been my most extended break as of yet.

Lots going on. Lots not going on.

As a matter of fact, I had one of my most sensational nervous breakdowns to date, just yesterday.

Let's see: I'm out of money (-$74, in fact), out of medicine, I'm being pulled in a million different directions, my house is in the worst state it's ever been - it's a literal sty (it's so bad, I can't even find my pigs), I'm in some of the most incredible amount of full-body pain I've ever experienced, as well as in the mid-stages of another pilonidal cyst (refer to first post ever) that is basically a ticking time bomb in the crack of my ass, and I'm trying desperately to get my assigned general surgeon to take care of it, and of course, this all culminates only three days from the ninth anniversary of the death of my beloved mother.

I'm sure there's more I can think of, but I don't really want to.

And, please don't tell me you're sorry (and don't send money). I'M sorry...for not keeping you updated. These are just the things that are going on in my life at this present time. And, it's just the way life is for me. As for anyone else, I'm not sure - I can only speak for my own. I'm okay with it...but not happy or satisfied, or even good.

Right this second, though, I'm sitting at work, with five minutes left on my lunch, as my neck and shoulder spasm down through my right arm, and my pillow slips out from under my rear, gravity pulling my cyst dangerously closer to touching the chair, and gritting my teeth and faking the "joy of work," trying to keep myself from the blood-curdling screams, until I can get home and collapse in tears.

You know how it is - everything all at once.

Pardon, while I relieve my coworker...

11.7.08 - 930a

As you can tell, this is why I no longer have a chance to post. I am now currently living the probably the worst day in OR history, in the respect of my cohort, Derrick, and myself. We've had one of the worst surgeons ever blessedly come back to join our ever-shrinking and already fragile family. Every day just gets worse and worse here, thanks to our main employer. I must be careful in this day and age - don't want to get sued for slander, even though it's my own personal opinion that I'm not allowed to voice.

For "they" will here you, and come after you. And, if you think "they" won't, then you've obviously never worked for "them."

But, that's not why I'm posting. I'm doing this for myself. And, for those of you who actually care. And, for those of you who just need a little entertainment, since The View is on right now, and you think if you have to hear any more squawking from that ridiculous and intolerant Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you're going to build a post on the roof of your house and wait for the apocalypse, because then, maybe after that, they will have cancelled the show...although you know they'll just come up with a spin-off.

I'm okay right now. I'm very tired. My face is very swollen from crying. My back and neck are chiding me for the years of abuse through which I've put them. (This, girls, is why I bug you about exercising, taking calcium and good posture!!!)

And, all I want is to talk to someone who understands me. *insert melodramatic sigh here* Not specifically someone who is sympathetic to the things which I'm combating. Just someone who is on that level - my level. My "alternative-Christian, computer and game geekery, environmental, humanitarian and animal rights ACTIVIST-IST (activist actually means something to me, as opposed to just sending money), living overseas to help the truly suffering of whom have been forgotten, and wants to simultaneously start a family-ish, at least able to put up with my desire to dress as I feel, whether it's provocative, crazy, jeans or just nothing-self, and is okay when I just need to cry it out and doesn't tell me to 'stop crying' " kind of level.

That's my level. That's me. Love it or abandon it. I couldn't care less, because I won't change for anyone, unless God feels it necessary to change me. I know it sounds brash, but you don't hear me harping on YOU to change, do you? And, if you do, feel free to punch me in the mouth, because apparently, I've been possessed.

Lately, though, my best friend is constantly busy, for which I don't fault her in the least - she has three children of whom demand all of her attention (I'm envious of her wonderful family). She also is having issues within her life, that I'm hoping to help guide her through, since she's already done so much for me. But, all I can do is be there for her and hug her when she cries...and laugh when she falls down (I love you, Mig)! &=)

My family is......well, they're my family, "but I love them anyway." In reality, I love them regardless, and I would never give up on them, no matter what. I have a family letter that is currently in the works. I'm not my mother, but I'm definitely not hiding behind anyone's skirts. I don't have any qualms with addressing the affairs that are going on, of which I think are irrefutable. I'm really tired of them ignoring the things that are happening, that are slowly but surely tearing us apart.

But, that will all come out in time.

As for myself, I'm making it. I rarely have a moment where I actually feel in touch with my true self. But, she's in there. I'm just having problems accessing her.

I miss her. She made me happy.

Sure, some people, friends as well as family, don't always agree with who I am and what I do. But, that's why I'm me, and you're you. We won't always agree on everything. You won't always think what I do is um, "mature." But, I don't always think what you do or say is right or appropo.

I like to consider myself as a very tolerant person, though. I'm usually good about keeping my mouth shut, as opposed to criticisizing the lifestyles of others. And, although some may believe I'm misled, I consider tolerance a Christian value. What other people do, say or believe is none of my concern. As I heard once before, if you take a hula hoop, put it over your head, and drop it to the ground, that's the area that you should be concerned about. Not that I don't believe in witnessing to others, but I would NEVER push myself onto anyone else.

Only medically.

I believe that I have enough knowledge, having worked in the hospital for a number of years, that I can "encourage" people to do things to make themselves well. But, I'm sure it also extends from the fact that I was able to do nothing for my mother, due to my ignorance.

I don't like ignorance. I believe in teaching and research and experience. There's no reason to be ignorant on any subject.

Anyway, my point is, I'm searching for someone (whom I know God will send my way, if it's within His will) who complements me. I'm looking for someone similar to whom I've had in the past, only mature. I need a man who is able to be my rock and my shelter. I will never put my complete reliance in another human being, because we all die, and I can't allow myself to feel that vulnerable and inept at life ever again.

Ahh, I go on and on so.

I need to draw this to a close, or I'll never post it. This is obviously a very raw, unformatted version, and I apologize. You know I'm usually try to add a little more pizzazz.

I'm all out of pizzazz right now.

I wish you all well, be you friend or enemy. I hope that sometimes, I can encourage people to open their minds. It's a very freeing experience. Being unbiased or observant doesn't mean you don't care. You all know I could never STOP myself from caring.

Just please give me a break. I'm 31, now. I'm adult. I'm okay. And, if I need help or advice, I promise I will ask. But, please just lay off. You won't change me - you'll only push me away.

To those of you who have stood by me, thank you. You have no idea what your friendship means to me, to know that I can always turn to you in a time of need.


Back to work.