Hello, my friend, hello....

11.6.08 - 12p


This has been my most extended break as of yet.

Lots going on. Lots not going on.

As a matter of fact, I had one of my most sensational nervous breakdowns to date, just yesterday.

Let's see: I'm out of money (-$74, in fact), out of medicine, I'm being pulled in a million different directions, my house is in the worst state it's ever been - it's a literal sty (it's so bad, I can't even find my pigs), I'm in some of the most incredible amount of full-body pain I've ever experienced, as well as in the mid-stages of another pilonidal cyst (refer to first post ever) that is basically a ticking time bomb in the crack of my ass, and I'm trying desperately to get my assigned general surgeon to take care of it, and of course, this all culminates only three days from the ninth anniversary of the death of my beloved mother.

I'm sure there's more I can think of, but I don't really want to.

And, please don't tell me you're sorry (and don't send money). I'M sorry...for not keeping you updated. These are just the things that are going on in my life at this present time. And, it's just the way life is for me. As for anyone else, I'm not sure - I can only speak for my own. I'm okay with it...but not happy or satisfied, or even good.

Right this second, though, I'm sitting at work, with five minutes left on my lunch, as my neck and shoulder spasm down through my right arm, and my pillow slips out from under my rear, gravity pulling my cyst dangerously closer to touching the chair, and gritting my teeth and faking the "joy of work," trying to keep myself from the blood-curdling screams, until I can get home and collapse in tears.

You know how it is - everything all at once.

Pardon, while I relieve my coworker...

11.7.08 - 930a

As you can tell, this is why I no longer have a chance to post. I am now currently living the probably the worst day in OR history, in the respect of my cohort, Derrick, and myself. We've had one of the worst surgeons ever blessedly come back to join our ever-shrinking and already fragile family. Every day just gets worse and worse here, thanks to our main employer. I must be careful in this day and age - don't want to get sued for slander, even though it's my own personal opinion that I'm not allowed to voice.

For "they" will here you, and come after you. And, if you think "they" won't, then you've obviously never worked for "them."

But, that's not why I'm posting. I'm doing this for myself. And, for those of you who actually care. And, for those of you who just need a little entertainment, since The View is on right now, and you think if you have to hear any more squawking from that ridiculous and intolerant Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you're going to build a post on the roof of your house and wait for the apocalypse, because then, maybe after that, they will have cancelled the show...although you know they'll just come up with a spin-off.

I'm okay right now. I'm very tired. My face is very swollen from crying. My back and neck are chiding me for the years of abuse through which I've put them. (This, girls, is why I bug you about exercising, taking calcium and good posture!!!)

And, all I want is to talk to someone who understands me. *insert melodramatic sigh here* Not specifically someone who is sympathetic to the things which I'm combating. Just someone who is on that level - my level. My "alternative-Christian, computer and game geekery, environmental, humanitarian and animal rights ACTIVIST-IST (activist actually means something to me, as opposed to just sending money), living overseas to help the truly suffering of whom have been forgotten, and wants to simultaneously start a family-ish, at least able to put up with my desire to dress as I feel, whether it's provocative, crazy, jeans or just nothing-self, and is okay when I just need to cry it out and doesn't tell me to 'stop crying' " kind of level.

That's my level. That's me. Love it or abandon it. I couldn't care less, because I won't change for anyone, unless God feels it necessary to change me. I know it sounds brash, but you don't hear me harping on YOU to change, do you? And, if you do, feel free to punch me in the mouth, because apparently, I've been possessed.

Lately, though, my best friend is constantly busy, for which I don't fault her in the least - she has three children of whom demand all of her attention (I'm envious of her wonderful family). She also is having issues within her life, that I'm hoping to help guide her through, since she's already done so much for me. But, all I can do is be there for her and hug her when she cries...and laugh when she falls down (I love you, Mig)! &=)

My family is......well, they're my family, "but I love them anyway." In reality, I love them regardless, and I would never give up on them, no matter what. I have a family letter that is currently in the works. I'm not my mother, but I'm definitely not hiding behind anyone's skirts. I don't have any qualms with addressing the affairs that are going on, of which I think are irrefutable. I'm really tired of them ignoring the things that are happening, that are slowly but surely tearing us apart.

But, that will all come out in time.

As for myself, I'm making it. I rarely have a moment where I actually feel in touch with my true self. But, she's in there. I'm just having problems accessing her.

I miss her. She made me happy.

Sure, some people, friends as well as family, don't always agree with who I am and what I do. But, that's why I'm me, and you're you. We won't always agree on everything. You won't always think what I do is um, "mature." But, I don't always think what you do or say is right or appropo.

I like to consider myself as a very tolerant person, though. I'm usually good about keeping my mouth shut, as opposed to criticisizing the lifestyles of others. And, although some may believe I'm misled, I consider tolerance a Christian value. What other people do, say or believe is none of my concern. As I heard once before, if you take a hula hoop, put it over your head, and drop it to the ground, that's the area that you should be concerned about. Not that I don't believe in witnessing to others, but I would NEVER push myself onto anyone else.

Only medically.

I believe that I have enough knowledge, having worked in the hospital for a number of years, that I can "encourage" people to do things to make themselves well. But, I'm sure it also extends from the fact that I was able to do nothing for my mother, due to my ignorance.

I don't like ignorance. I believe in teaching and research and experience. There's no reason to be ignorant on any subject.

Anyway, my point is, I'm searching for someone (whom I know God will send my way, if it's within His will) who complements me. I'm looking for someone similar to whom I've had in the past, only mature. I need a man who is able to be my rock and my shelter. I will never put my complete reliance in another human being, because we all die, and I can't allow myself to feel that vulnerable and inept at life ever again.

Ahh, I go on and on so.

I need to draw this to a close, or I'll never post it. This is obviously a very raw, unformatted version, and I apologize. You know I'm usually try to add a little more pizzazz.

I'm all out of pizzazz right now.

I wish you all well, be you friend or enemy. I hope that sometimes, I can encourage people to open their minds. It's a very freeing experience. Being unbiased or observant doesn't mean you don't care. You all know I could never STOP myself from caring.

Just please give me a break. I'm 31, now. I'm adult. I'm okay. And, if I need help or advice, I promise I will ask. But, please just lay off. You won't change me - you'll only push me away.

To those of you who have stood by me, thank you. You have no idea what your friendship means to me, to know that I can always turn to you in a time of need.


Back to work.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hello my dear , im allways here if you need anything jimmy , an i meen anything sweety , love ya girl , scrub...