Dreams on hold

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

What happens when you trust no one? When you trust nothing? What happens when you feel like it's all lies and deception?

I want to scream at people and ask them what they could possibly want from me.

At work - lies. Lies and hiding and secrets. They outwardly stress communication, but it's all lies. They don't ACTUALLY want you to communicate. They want you to keep quiet and take it up the rear. Your boss lies, the doctors lie, your coworkers lie, your customers lie, human resources lies...

Life - Politicians, right now, are preaching lies. The creditors tell you lies. Your yard man lies. The gas station attendant lies. Your landlord lies. Your family lies. Your friends lie. You lie. I lie.

But at least *I* make a serious, conscientious effort not to. Sometimes it's just better not to say anything at all. I can't speak for anyone else.

Off on a tangent, but still within the subject of LIES.....I'm sure every guy who's ever emailed me to tell me how much alike we are, how we share the same characteristics, how he's always wanted to do that type of work, is a complete and total liar.

When I tell people I'm joining the Peace Corps, I'M GETTING ON A PLANE AND LEAVING THE UNITED STATES. I don't know if they know what PC is, and I don't really care, because if they wanted to know, they would ask me instead of lying about wanting so badly to go with me, then turning green when I tell them what this entails.

I would like someone who isn't opposed to starting a family, basically "on the lam," who anticipates raising a completely different type of family, where our children will be children of the world, who understand the true suffering in the world, aren't afraid of it and grow to devise ways to defeat it; children who will be raised to learn to participate in the things we would stand for as a family. I want someone who looks forward to the blood, sweat and tears that this hard work will bring, who can will protect our family with whatever it takes, who is fearless, yet who is God-fearing, and who will love me for the rest of our lives together and beyond.

I haven't found him.

And, I don't feel like looking anymore.

My dreams are on hold. They've been put to the side right now, because the world makes me face whatever it wants me to face RIGHT AWAY.

I have to face work. I have to COPE with it. I think it's a sad day, when you dread coming to work, because you know the whole day, it's going to be all about coping. I have to face my boss tomorrow, because we got in a fight today. And, I could have punched him square in the mouth if he wouldn't have walked away. Because I'm sick of his bullshit, just as he's sick of mine.

I wanted to mow down all the people from the Pain Clinic today, with that ridiculously heavy-ass demo C-arm we've been using. The C-arm rep was getting on my nerves - he had NO CONCEPT of personal space. The nurse is just a flat-out bitch, but it's ok, because she already knows it and flaunts it. The doctor was semi-ok. But I couldn't make the machine do what it was supposed to do, and I got frustrated. Then, ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, it was hot as hell in there, and I thought I was going to vomit. But, don't ask to turn down the temp in the room, because someone - nurse or doctor - is going to go ballistic. And, the cherry on the top is that I just fucking hate pain clinic. I hate going down there. I've had to go all week, because everyone else "didn't want to go."

Um, neither did I. So, I called for a break, because I knew my boss would be coming to relieve me in the next 30 min (which means hour or so). I flew out of there in a rage, because I couldn't take it. Anymore. I couldn't.

Then a pregnant lady fell in the hallway, and we had to get her to the ER. That was God telling me to calm down and stop thinking so much about myself.

But, I didn't listen. I never listen.

I marched back to the department, and I was more than happy to take xrays. MY JOB, the downstairs OR calls, and I jump up with enthusiasm and head on downstairs. It's past my lunchtime at this point, but I'm SO THANKFUL to be going downstairs, to my home, again, that I don't even want to take lunch. I want to be with MY PEOPLE. I want to do the job that I'm good at, that doesn't stress me out, that doesn't piss me off, that doesn't require bitching to get things done. I want to be here. I WANT TO.

So, my boss comes down...him: nonchalantly "Hey, what's going on?" me: "Not working in pain clinic, that's what's going on. And don't plan on going back." him: "Ok, well, it's lunchtime." me: "I don't want to take a lunch." (and by the way, I was being TOTALLY honest.) him: "Come on - lunchtime." me: "I'm NOT taking lunch."

He immediately strikes back with "FINE! Then you're not going to get a lunch!" me: "I KNOW. That's kinda what 'no lunch' means. I just want to work straight through lunch." him: "SEE?? THIS is why we have a problem!"

Then he starts walking away, mumbling. I ask what he said, and he half turns and says, "We'll talk about it later." me: "Why not now?" He's marching down the hallway. me: "What's the matter? Everyone else can bitch and get what they want, but not me?????" At this point, I'm screaming down the hallway in surgery.

Not good.

Then, later on, I was sitting at the far desk reading a book, when all of a sudden Derrick walks up to the main desk and says, "WHAT'S THIS, WORK? Just stay there, Jennifer! I got it!"

Of course, I stood up to see what he was talking about. Apparently, Stella had brought back requests without saying anything, so um, uh oh, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT WAS SITTING THERE!!!!"

When I stood up, Derrick said loudly, "No, Jennifer, sit down! I've got it!" me: "I didn't know it was sitting up there!!!!"

So, of course, bless him, he gets the one with TWO exams, and I get the measley chest xray. Once again, the face punching feeling came back.

Why the fuck he was yelling at me, I don't know. I'm going to say something to him tomorrow, and I know I'm going to get an earful of whining, just like everyone else around there does, even me.

God, I beg you to help me cope with this place, until it is time for me to leave. I WILL give this to you, because I don't want it anymore. I don't ever want to touch it again, but you know how I worry, so help me get rid of it. Help me repair the things which need to be repaired, get rid of the people who need to be disposed of, and concentrate on the ultimate goal. I have no answers. And, I'm completely at your will.

Eyes are closing. I hope I can explain more later. And if you read about yourself in this, this is my space, and I can say whatever I want.

It helps me to let go. And, I'm letting go of you.

My brain is scrambled eggs. I'll translate tomorrow...

Plus, I missed belly dancing tonight, and I'm really pissed. It's the one thing I've SO been looking forward to all week. It's my momentary escape from hate - mine and everyone else's.

More tomorrow, maybe. Words are starting to blur.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i sure hope things get better for you jennifer, you know we all love you girl,. phillip.