10.17.2006

awight

ok, one more - just because this one made me laugh when i didn't feel like it - then i'm done...










i'm going to bed.

awwiiiiight....

not to think

just another fun thing to know about me - this is almost exactly how my job interview with healthsouth went.

after i left the room, i hadn't even made it to the stairs when i burst into tears. in march, i will have been there for 2 years. the only other job i had that lasted longer (no, the news-aggie doesn't count) was at arby's for about 2.5 years.

yeah, i'm just...wasting time. there are things that i should be doing. but, i'm not. here's one that gordon sent me, that expresses one of my previous posts nicely:

that's from xkcd.com, just so we're propping the right people. i hate when people don't give credit where credit is due.

this one is a comic that i've been looking for for a really long time. it's called cyanide & happiness, and i found it on explosm.net...and, for me, it all started with this one:

now, i realize that some (or all) of you might not have the same sense of humor as me. and that's ok. because i heard that intelligence is directly related to how nice your teeth are, and since i have the best teeth ever, i win.

just kidding. i know if i ever have kids, they'll have flippers for hands and rocks for heads. i mean, i've had enough radiation - cause i DO that, you know.

i actually have a ton of cool, gross x-ray pics. yeah. they're on my OTHER hard drive. the one that's busted. and is gonna cost round abouts $900. so, we're saving up for that one. i think i have about $3.27 in my change cup, so this is gonna take a while.

here's some more pics i liked. in case you haven't noticed, i dig saving pics that i love. damn, are you guys gonna be bored for the next few posts...:

you know what they say - once a drinker, always a drinker.

i love otters, btw. they're my favorite animals aside from cats. i have a few baby ott pics - i'm working on building my collection. i have this awesome photo that i shot of a river otter in new orleans. it's one of the coolest pics i've ever taken, and i have it matted, framed, and hanging in my hallway.

man, this thing is being KRAB-BY. there are some pics it will upload and some, it's just like, "nah, i don't FEEL like using that one." i'm purty sure this thing doesn't have a max. well, but it is MY blog, so who knows. it's probably cursing everyone who reads it. i have that kind of luck, you know. that kind that makes you get deathly ill when you don't have anymore off days to use.

ok, ok, this is it. for tonight. i was able to get some things off my chest earlier, so i'm feeling minor relief. things still go much unresolved in my life.

oh well - tomorrow, i can start all over..............again.

what do you want to be when you grow up? - happy

trinity just called to see if i could work wed & thurs of this week, and wed of next week. thank goodness - this means i have more work coming in. unfortunately, i had to bail on them for the month of october, since i didn't know what was happening with my cyst. my appt for plastics is in early november, so i'm sure you'll hear more than you ever wanted to about that.

i'm just kinda bored at work today. i only had one case, but i've got my finances (along with other ridiculous things) on my mind. i'm probably going to go pick ricky up from work, take him home, then either go over to heather's to let her help me, or sit down and work on it myself. work on what, you say? yes. i don't know. all i know is that i wish it was still raining as much as it did yesterday.

i've got so many things that require my attention right now, but next to no energy to give. my head feels like one those globes full of oil and blue water (my thoughts), and there's a tiny sailboat in there, trying desperately to stay afloat. everything's just kind of slowly, but violently, thrashing against the insides of my head, and every once in a while, something finds its way out. but it doesn't always make sense. and the sailboat...my sanity? or i could really have a tiny, little sailboat wedged in my frontal lobe.

i have a tendency to overdramatize my illness (no shit, really?). but most times, i can't make things meet in the middle, in my brain. everything that someone else does, or anything that happens, where something has gone wrong, i'll find any way i can to blame myself. and as people say, "you are your biggest critic." ok, well, i hate myself, because i always feel like i should know better. i've either been through a particular situation, or i already know what the repercussions will be, due to my actions. but i do it anyway!

god, i sure do bitch a lot. sorry. this isn't nearly as entertaining as it should be. but i've just got crap on my mind - crap that shouldn't be there, but is. i haven't been able to be my real self in a terribly long time. i LONG for the happiness, the silliness, the craziness that i know is in me. but i can't find a way to evoke it. not for anything in the free fucking world. i feel so inhibited - and i ALWAYS blame it on someone else. but it's me! i'm the one doing it! and i don't know HOW to stop. i just know that i should. i mean, i don't physically hurt myself like i used to. i just feel this solid mental partition - on the other side, there's flowers and grass and trees and singing and people who i love. i don't mean that whole "grass is greener on the other side" - there really IS a better side. but on my side, it's all grey. it's grey and cold and dead.

and alone.

i keep trying on different people to see if they fit me, see if they can bring me out, if they can, god forbid, fix me. but it never works. i only find more people to either alienate or depress and commiserate for me. that's why i hate meeting new people. i can't stand to bring more people into this world. i know how i feel when other people bitch and moan about things of which they should take control. i just have tiny bursts of fire, short-lived pursuits and aspirations. it seems as though when mom died, a part of me died, too. then when aaron got tired of waiting around and left, the rest of me shriveled up and blew away. now, i'm literally a shell of the person i once was, and every once in a while, something grazes the edge of my shell, and you see a brief glimpse of who i was.

i've tried starting over...SOOO many times, it's sick. i've even considered packing up and moving away - just becoming someone else. but i know that no matter where i go, i'll always be me. i'll always think of the same people. i'll always have the same problems. and i'll still be stuck on my side of this damn wall.

i've said it before - i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i'm not looking for pity or petting or any of that "well, i have to be nice to her, because she might freak out on me" crap. i'm just explaining as it comes out. i just want to be NORMAL. i take all those ridiculous surveys that people post, about "what were you doing an hour ago," and it's almost comical to read how my answers to the same questions can change from day to day. the one that always kills me is, "when do you want to be married?" like i say, 22 or 23, but i missed out on that boat. actually, i killed the crew and jumped overboard. or "when do you want to have kids?" yeah, i answered that one at 25 or 26. once again, boat's left the harbor, and i'm standing there in my floaties.

i guess the boat fighting to stay afloat in my head is me - the me that i was. the me that i am. all i've managed to do these last few years is cling to the side of my boat with every bit of strength that's left.