10.17.2006

what do you want to be when you grow up? - happy

trinity just called to see if i could work wed & thurs of this week, and wed of next week. thank goodness - this means i have more work coming in. unfortunately, i had to bail on them for the month of october, since i didn't know what was happening with my cyst. my appt for plastics is in early november, so i'm sure you'll hear more than you ever wanted to about that.

i'm just kinda bored at work today. i only had one case, but i've got my finances (along with other ridiculous things) on my mind. i'm probably going to go pick ricky up from work, take him home, then either go over to heather's to let her help me, or sit down and work on it myself. work on what, you say? yes. i don't know. all i know is that i wish it was still raining as much as it did yesterday.

i've got so many things that require my attention right now, but next to no energy to give. my head feels like one those globes full of oil and blue water (my thoughts), and there's a tiny sailboat in there, trying desperately to stay afloat. everything's just kind of slowly, but violently, thrashing against the insides of my head, and every once in a while, something finds its way out. but it doesn't always make sense. and the sailboat...my sanity? or i could really have a tiny, little sailboat wedged in my frontal lobe.

i have a tendency to overdramatize my illness (no shit, really?). but most times, i can't make things meet in the middle, in my brain. everything that someone else does, or anything that happens, where something has gone wrong, i'll find any way i can to blame myself. and as people say, "you are your biggest critic." ok, well, i hate myself, because i always feel like i should know better. i've either been through a particular situation, or i already know what the repercussions will be, due to my actions. but i do it anyway!

god, i sure do bitch a lot. sorry. this isn't nearly as entertaining as it should be. but i've just got crap on my mind - crap that shouldn't be there, but is. i haven't been able to be my real self in a terribly long time. i LONG for the happiness, the silliness, the craziness that i know is in me. but i can't find a way to evoke it. not for anything in the free fucking world. i feel so inhibited - and i ALWAYS blame it on someone else. but it's me! i'm the one doing it! and i don't know HOW to stop. i just know that i should. i mean, i don't physically hurt myself like i used to. i just feel this solid mental partition - on the other side, there's flowers and grass and trees and singing and people who i love. i don't mean that whole "grass is greener on the other side" - there really IS a better side. but on my side, it's all grey. it's grey and cold and dead.

and alone.

i keep trying on different people to see if they fit me, see if they can bring me out, if they can, god forbid, fix me. but it never works. i only find more people to either alienate or depress and commiserate for me. that's why i hate meeting new people. i can't stand to bring more people into this world. i know how i feel when other people bitch and moan about things of which they should take control. i just have tiny bursts of fire, short-lived pursuits and aspirations. it seems as though when mom died, a part of me died, too. then when aaron got tired of waiting around and left, the rest of me shriveled up and blew away. now, i'm literally a shell of the person i once was, and every once in a while, something grazes the edge of my shell, and you see a brief glimpse of who i was.

i've tried starting over...SOOO many times, it's sick. i've even considered packing up and moving away - just becoming someone else. but i know that no matter where i go, i'll always be me. i'll always think of the same people. i'll always have the same problems. and i'll still be stuck on my side of this damn wall.

i've said it before - i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i'm not looking for pity or petting or any of that "well, i have to be nice to her, because she might freak out on me" crap. i'm just explaining as it comes out. i just want to be NORMAL. i take all those ridiculous surveys that people post, about "what were you doing an hour ago," and it's almost comical to read how my answers to the same questions can change from day to day. the one that always kills me is, "when do you want to be married?" like i say, 22 or 23, but i missed out on that boat. actually, i killed the crew and jumped overboard. or "when do you want to have kids?" yeah, i answered that one at 25 or 26. once again, boat's left the harbor, and i'm standing there in my floaties.

i guess the boat fighting to stay afloat in my head is me - the me that i was. the me that i am. all i've managed to do these last few years is cling to the side of my boat with every bit of strength that's left.

1 comment:

the todd said...

it's funny, well, not FUNNY funny, just f'd up funny, how much of you reminds me of me. I know life hasn't thrown me quite the curve balls it has lobbed at you these past years, but looking back there are lots of things I think I could do better, make better, etc.
the way you describe " the inside" of you sounds familiar in a sick sorta way. I hate that for you, but remember -HANG IN THERE!!!