You environmentalists should check out my friend Kelly's page. She's who I MEANT to be, when I got to 32.
I didn't get the clinic job.
Somehow, I expected that.
But, now, I'm out of ideas of what to do...for the rest of my life.
I've come to the realization over the past few months that I don't like my life. There are people in my life whom I ADORE, but I just don't like MY LIFE. I don't LIKE being an x-ray tech. But, what can I do? I have a degree in something, that no one wants me for. Or, I think it's just that no one wants me.
That woman completely judged me on my resume. I have a hole-filled resume, for about six years, until I got the job at Highlands. Then, I was at Highlands for four consistent years. But, I guess that doesn't matter. Joe said they're looking for patterns. But, how can you see a pattern in something that hasn't been there for over four years? I have a feeling I'm going to have to redesign my resume, which is ridiculous. The JOB WORLD is ridiculous. It's all about lying and padding, to make things look better.
Look, do you people want the truth or not?
The woman who conducted my interview for the clinic was a real ball buster. She kept asking me all these really personal questions, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. She kept asking me what my ideal job was - she was waiting for me to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my born days in that clinic, but I'm just no good at lying. I can stave off the truth for a while, but I can't outright lie and brown nose like that. That's why I wasn't any good at Highlands. My boss wanted brown nosers, and that just wasn't me. I'm sorry - let me rephrase. My boss wanted brown nosers OR pretty girls, and I am neither.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I was really worried today, but I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad and pissy and cry, but I'm over it. Now, I'm just trying to move on to "what to do," or Plan Bazillion and Four. I don't LIKE not having a job. Yes, I would like to have a job that was better suited to me, but what is that? I haven't the slightest. And, all day, I've been fussing about how I should have just stayed in school for Biology, which was my original plan all along, but I didn't. I'd even like to go back to school, but that's out of the question for now. Right now, I just need a JOB. I need MONEY, to make ends meet. A friend put on her Facebook, "by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." Oh, how true that is.
Lately, I've been contemplating selling (or giving away) as much stuff as I possibly can, putting the rest in storage, giving my animals new homes, and just going somewhere else to start over. But, I'm deathly afraid that I'm just going to be running away from something that will follow me everywhere. I don't even know what that is. I'm so focused on money and paying off debt, I really have no room to think of anything else. Money consumes my mind and is what keeps me constantly stressed. It definitely IS the root of all evil. I mean, if I could pay someone in things that I HAD, I wouldn't be in debt (I can pay in cat hair - that's really all I have enough of at the moment). But, money is a scarce commodity in this house. I don't even buy things for myself anymore. I live with what things I have, and I pay the bills for the necessities. Granted, internet probably isn't a necessity, although, it helps to have while you're looking for employment.
Bah. This subject is so broad, and I could drone on for hours about it, but I'm not gonna. Tomorrow's a new day, and just as with every one of my "tomorrows," I'm going to get up and start over and pretend that everything's going to be different. It never is, but it helps to tell myself that, in order to keep myself fooled into having a reason to wake up in the morning.
I have a few job leads (thank you to those of you who have kept an eye out for work for me), so I'm going to wake up tomorrow and start making phone calls. Unfortunately, my sleep is completely out of whack, and I'm totally the opposite of a morning person, but I'm going to do what I have to do. Because that's what I do.
For some reason, God deems it necessary to keep me here. To be honest, I pray for death so often now, it doesn't even concern me anymore. I don't feel as though I'm doing any good for anyone - just BEING here - so, what's the point in keeping it up? I haven't the slightest clue. Really. I'm so depressed, and I dream of an infinite, painless sleep. But, it hasn't happened. And, I still believe in God - always will. I don't know what His plan is, and I kinda don't care anymore. But, I'm going to keep going, because it's JUST WHAT I DO.
I exist, because I'm here. I will always be plagued with this horrible depression, but I'm learning to cope better. I don't know what I want out of life, because NOTHING makes me happy. I keep trying to find it in other people, but that hasn't worked out. In fact, I panic and back out of every relationship I've had in the past. I want nothing more but to go back to him and fall into his arms - it might not have been perfect, but at least I was happy. There was a time when WE were happy. I made a horrible mistake, but that's what happens when you judge people for something they're not. I miss him so much, it sets me on edge. And, no matter our differences, I loved him. Still do.
Hey, I'm good at making mistakes - are there jobs for that? No. No, I didn't suppose there were. I'd never get that lucky.
I'm so thankful for the people I DO have in my life. I'm thankful that he was pushy enough, to the point that we ARE still friends - at least he's still in my life, albeit very little. There are things that I do appreciate in my life, but unfortunately, I can't focus on those things. Those things don't make me money - and that's where I fail, miserably. I shouldn't be so hellbent on making money, but much to my chagrin, that's what makes the world continue to exist. And, that's what pays my bills. They're right - you can't function on love, alone. Love doesn't pay the bills. I have no love, though, so it's not something I'm concerned with.
Friendship does keep you afloat when you're drowning, though. I miss my friends. I miss being social. I miss not feeling like shit every, single day of my life. I miss not dreading going to sleep and dreading waking up. I miss not biting peoples' heads off. I miss happy. I miss me.
But, I know me. This won't go away, until I get work. Until I have something where I can keep MYSELF alive, I won't achieve happiness of any kind. I'm just...here. I'm just quietly falling apart inside, and I'm trying really hard not to take anyone with me. At least I admit it. At least I admit that money and work and having my bills taken care of makes me happy (okay, that's more of a temporary happy). It's not even the money, itself - it's the prospect of NOT having those unpaid bills hanging over my head, and NOT having creditors call me 15 times a day.
I don't know that I'll ever NOT struggle in my life, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind a damn break. The lottery? Sure. Whatever. I'll take anything. I'm not picky. But, I've been working FOR YEARS to get back to zero, and I'm constantly being stifled. Hell, I've been working for years to get back to metaphorical zero, in my LIFE, but even that hasn't happened. It's that typical scenario - you save up all this money to get your brakes done or get new tires on your car, but something's constantly going wrong, to keep that money drained, so that eventually, one day, your brakes go out. But, it doesn't matter, because you don't have the money to get them fixed anyway. So, then, you drive with shoddy brakes, until you end up having an accident, which is always going to be more costly than what you were aiming for in the beginning. It's Murphy's Law - and everyone's had it.
I never had a slice of bread,
Particularly large and wide,
That did not fall upon the floor,
And always on the buttered side.
I feel you, bread.
So, my sister found me.
Actually, she's my half-sister.
I don't really know what to make of it, except that last time we talked, she said some sorta hurtful things about my mom...which apparently HER mom had told her, about goings-on between my mom and dad.
When my dad died, his side of the family blamed my mom for his death...even though it was an industrial accident in a different state and she had nothing to do with it. But, I guess since he was working to support his "new" family (you should never move on - you should never make a new life for yourself), which included me and mom, and a baby can't be blamed for the fault of someone, that automatically passed on to my mom.
Obviously, no one will know exactly what passed between the two families, except for the people who were directly involved. I do know that they threatened to take me from her, because apparently since I was both my mom and my dad's child, they should have somehow gotten custody of me, instead of my blood parent. Go figure.
I know what my family has told me about them, and Brandy told me some of what was obviously told to her growing up, and I have to say, there's a reason I stuck with my family. My aunt Diane told me that one of the reasons Mom didn't want me to have contact with that side of the family is because she was afraid I would want to go be with them instead. I wish I'd known that. I could have let her know that she could have safely assured herself that I was going to stay with the people who had cared for and raised me.
That's what pissed me off about the things Brandy told me, the last time I talked to her (1997, I think? I was still in college). She was telling me things about MY mom that I knew she couldn't have known, only being very young herself at the time (she was nine when our dad died). People can say things and tell you things, but that doesn't make them true. And, even if they were true, I can promise you I would have stayed my ass right where it already was. I was happy with MY family. My mother was MY mother. She raised me, and she raised me well. SHE took care of me. SHE was the one who put me through school and kissed all my booboos and came to all my performances and cared for me every, single time I was sick...I wouldn't have had it any other way. As disastrous as my life has turned out, she was to blame for nothing but caring too much.
No, we didn't have the healthiest relationship - I was her whole world - but I consider myself to be an okay person, moderately smart, and definitely well-rounded. I don't trust anyone else would have CARED enough to raise me as well. I would have been a "half-child" to them, my dad's kid. And, I'm certain that no one would have loved me the way my mom did. No one else's mom would have taken the time to sit down with every, single principal, from elementary school to high school, and talk to each one about the threat of a possible "stray" family member coming to take me from school. A bit much, maybe, but she wasn't YOUR mom, and it wasn't YOUR life. YOU weren't the one who was threatened by people she thought she could trust.
Hence the reason there was no contact.
I have no desire to be a part of that family, even now. Could be harsh judgement on my part, but I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And, *I'M* the one who saw her cry every time she missed my dad. He's one of the many reasons she never got remarried. She loved him enough, and once she had me, she didn't feel as though she needed anyone else in her life like that. She'd told me many times that she never remarried, because she was always afraid someone would try to hurt me. Not that all step-families are abusive. But, she did what she did to protect me.
My mom didn't always make the right or best decisions, but she did what she thought would be in our best interest as a family. And, I'm okay with that. It was me and her against the world most of the time.
And, I'd give anything in my life to have her back right now.
So, anyway, Brandy didn't know Mom had died. She asked why I didn't have any pictures of her on my page, so I had to tell her. It was a pretty dreary letter, and I cried. Things are pretty bleak in my life right now. I don't feel good. My depression has a pretty good foothold. I had a really crappy interview, and I'm not sure I got the job. I'm all out of money, and I can't even muster the strength to care enough, to get out of bed and take a fucking shower.
I just don't care. About anything.
And, it's getting worse.
It's cold as shit here, and that's not helping things, not being able to be outside or feel less than crippled all the time. I'm sure a lot of this is coming from being lazy and unemployed. Or unemployed and lazy. Whatever it is, things have got to pick up/turn around soon. If they don't...well, I don't know. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm way too lazy to think up how I'd go about doing that. But, I *DO* have the desire to just lay here and die. I'd like it to be a speedy death, though, because I really am tired of the nothingness that is my life. I'd like to get out and do things, but I can't do a thing, because I'm COMPLETELY out of money. Unemployment screwed me over Christmas, so I'm behind a week of payment, which has thrown ALL my finances out of whack. A friend "gave" me $100 for Christmas, but that was just enough to keep me afloat.
2009 was a horrible year, but just because it's a new year, doesn't mean anything's going to get better. I've lost all my positivity, and I look forward to nothing but death. I'm trying really hard to "get over" this depression, as some of you have suggested to me, but it's kinda hard. It's actually harder than it looks. I'd kill someone for the Zoloft powder under their fingernails...and I don't even take Zoloft...and I wouldn't even kill anyone. I've never been homicidal, and I don't think I could start now. I'm too fucking tired.
Well, this was supposed to be a post about the Braxton side of things, but as usual, I got off on a tangent. I think Trevin and I are going to bundle up really warm and take Jack down to the dog park. I need to get outside, as much as I LOATHE the cold.
As always, I appreciate your comments and love. It's the only thing that gets me through, these days. I don't cry much now, because I'm drained of all emotion - even love. I'm a real sad sack of shit right now. But, I keep going, for whatever it's worth. I suppose it will pay off eventually. Or not. I don't know anymore, and I'm rapidly losing whatever faith I have left. But, as always, I love you guys. Sorry I haven't been on lately, but if I had, this depressive shit is all it would consist of. It's pretty gross. &=(
Hope everyone else's years are starting out better and will continue to improve as time progresses. I appreciate all your thoughts and/or prayers. God knows I need them.