1.09.2010

Sister, Interrupted...

So, my sister found me.

Actually, she's my half-sister.

I don't really know what to make of it, except that last time we talked, she said some sorta hurtful things about my mom...which apparently HER mom had told her, about goings-on between my mom and dad.

When my dad died, his side of the family blamed my mom for his death...even though it was an industrial accident in a different state and she had nothing to do with it. But, I guess since he was working to support his "new" family (you should never move on - you should never make a new life for yourself), which included me and mom, and a baby can't be blamed for the fault of someone, that automatically passed on to my mom.

Obviously, no one will know exactly what passed between the two families, except for the people who were directly involved. I do know that they threatened to take me from her, because apparently since I was both my mom and my dad's child, they should have somehow gotten custody of me, instead of my blood parent. Go figure.

I know what my family has told me about them, and Brandy told me some of what was obviously told to her growing up, and I have to say, there's a reason I stuck with my family. My aunt Diane told me that one of the reasons Mom didn't want me to have contact with that side of the family is because she was afraid I would want to go be with them instead. I wish I'd known that. I could have let her know that she could have safely assured herself that I was going to stay with the people who had cared for and raised me.

That's what pissed me off about the things Brandy told me, the last time I talked to her (1997, I think? I was still in college). She was telling me things about MY mom that I knew she couldn't have known, only being very young herself at the time (she was nine when our dad died). People can say things and tell you things, but that doesn't make them true. And, even if they were true, I can promise you I would have stayed my ass right where it already was. I was happy with MY family. My mother was MY mother. She raised me, and she raised me well. SHE took care of me. SHE was the one who put me through school and kissed all my booboos and came to all my performances and cared for me every, single time I was sick...I wouldn't have had it any other way. As disastrous as my life has turned out, she was to blame for nothing but caring too much.

No, we didn't have the healthiest relationship - I was her whole world - but I consider myself to be an okay person, moderately smart, and definitely well-rounded. I don't trust anyone else would have CARED enough to raise me as well. I would have been a "half-child" to them, my dad's kid. And, I'm certain that no one would have loved me the way my mom did. No one else's mom would have taken the time to sit down with every, single principal, from elementary school to high school, and talk to each one about the threat of a possible "stray" family member coming to take me from school. A bit much, maybe, but she wasn't YOUR mom, and it wasn't YOUR life. YOU weren't the one who was threatened by people she thought she could trust.

Hence the reason there was no contact.

I have no desire to be a part of that family, even now. Could be harsh judgement on my part, but I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And, *I'M* the one who saw her cry every time she missed my dad. He's one of the many reasons she never got remarried. She loved him enough, and once she had me, she didn't feel as though she needed anyone else in her life like that. She'd told me many times that she never remarried, because she was always afraid someone would try to hurt me. Not that all step-families are abusive. But, she did what she did to protect me.

My mom didn't always make the right or best decisions, but she did what she thought would be in our best interest as a family. And, I'm okay with that. It was me and her against the world most of the time.

And, I'd give anything in my life to have her back right now.


So, anyway, Brandy didn't know Mom had died. She asked why I didn't have any pictures of her on my page, so I had to tell her. It was a pretty dreary letter, and I cried. Things are pretty bleak in my life right now. I don't feel good. My depression has a pretty good foothold. I had a really crappy interview, and I'm not sure I got the job. I'm all out of money, and I can't even muster the strength to care enough, to get out of bed and take a fucking shower.

I just don't care. About anything.

And, it's getting worse.

It's cold as shit here, and that's not helping things, not being able to be outside or feel less than crippled all the time. I'm sure a lot of this is coming from being lazy and unemployed. Or unemployed and lazy. Whatever it is, things have got to pick up/turn around soon. If they don't...well, I don't know. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm way too lazy to think up how I'd go about doing that. But, I *DO* have the desire to just lay here and die. I'd like it to be a speedy death, though, because I really am tired of the nothingness that is my life. I'd like to get out and do things, but I can't do a thing, because I'm COMPLETELY out of money. Unemployment screwed me over Christmas, so I'm behind a week of payment, which has thrown ALL my finances out of whack. A friend "gave" me $100 for Christmas, but that was just enough to keep me afloat.

2009 was a horrible year, but just because it's a new year, doesn't mean anything's going to get better. I've lost all my positivity, and I look forward to nothing but death. I'm trying really hard to "get over" this depression, as some of you have suggested to me, but it's kinda hard. It's actually harder than it looks. I'd kill someone for the Zoloft powder under their fingernails...and I don't even take Zoloft...and I wouldn't even kill anyone. I've never been homicidal, and I don't think I could start now. I'm too fucking tired.

Well, this was supposed to be a post about the Braxton side of things, but as usual, I got off on a tangent. I think Trevin and I are going to bundle up really warm and take Jack down to the dog park. I need to get outside, as much as I LOATHE the cold.

As always, I appreciate your comments and love. It's the only thing that gets me through, these days. I don't cry much now, because I'm drained of all emotion - even love. I'm a real sad sack of shit right now. But, I keep going, for whatever it's worth. I suppose it will pay off eventually. Or not. I don't know anymore, and I'm rapidly losing whatever faith I have left. But, as always, I love you guys. Sorry I haven't been on lately, but if I had, this depressive shit is all it would consist of. It's pretty gross. &=(

Hope everyone else's years are starting out better and will continue to improve as time progresses. I appreciate all your thoughts and/or prayers. God knows I need them.

*hugs*

2 comments:

Holly said...

Jen, I'm praying for you. Right now. And whoever said to just "get over" depression, obviously knows nothing about it. I love you. And I'm praying, and will continue to. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, Me

Taba said...

I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time. I thought you had a prescription for your depression? (I know they cost money) The reason I ask is b/c some of the generic antidepressants are on the walmart $4 list.
Hang in there, we are all pulling for you.
Love you,
Taba