goodbye to a friend

Current mood: crushed

my friend ella passed away this afternoon.

our whole department was glum. i just went around and hugged as many people who would let me.

i don't know what to say. she led such a hard life and had so many problems, but she never really let it outwardly bother her. she would always do her job to the best of her ability and never complain. she knew every part of that hospital and knew how to do almost everything in our department. she worked in the file room - something everyone balked at - when we lost all those people at the changeover. so many people in the hospital knew and cared so much about her. everyone in surgery was asking me how she was doing all day, but it never seemed like we had good news to share.


i'm glad she didn't suffer for long, but i'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that she won't be there anymore. i miss her already. and her family...her poor brother...they managed to get him back over to see her before they took her off life support. he's going to be so lost without her. i think, to some degree, we all will be. she was always such a positive part of your work day.

i'm sure some people won't think too much on this, but it seems no matter how many times i go through it, death never gets any easier.


i can still see her little, tiny self, standing there, waving good morning to me when i dragged in every morning. she always spoke and always asked me how i was.

ella, i miss you so much, and i'm sorry i didn't hug you when i saw you on thursday. it's not that i didn't care - we just get wrapped up in our own little worlds and forget about other people so many times. i can't even seem to say the right thing. thank you for being my friend, ella, for the brief time i knew you. even if you never knew, you touched almost everyone with whom you came into contact. our department will never be the same without you, and so many peoples' lives will be so empty without you. mike, rena, ora, and mamie just to name a very few.

we still love you, ella, and although your body was weak, your spirit was strong. i know you're well again, and for some reason, God sometimes feels the need to take the best ones. and even though the rest of us might not feel it for a while, you're at peace now, and that's what's important. we didn't want you to hurt anymore, but we'll surely be hurting without you.

i love you, sweet girl!


my coworker, and i can safely say my friend, ella perry is in the hospital, in critical condition today. she had some problems the yesterday, while she was home, but she was able to call the paramedics. they rushed her to the hospital, and she went directly into surgery, where she stayed for almost 6 hours. she's in the ICU now, but she's not doing well.

some of my other friends from the OR and i are going to go by and, at the very least, visit with her family today. i know they already know, but i just want to express to them what a special person ella is to me. she's such a good person, and i'm still praying that it's in God's plan for her to stay here, but if not, then that's the way it has to be.

whether or not you're religious, please keep my friend in your thoughts. she's at a very critical point in her life, and i'm hoping that she's able to remain here with us. she's a good, kind, sweet, caring, God-loving woman, who's only concern has always been about others. she's always noticed when i've been down and has never denied me a hug, when she saw i needed it. although i've only known her for the 2 years that i've worked here, she's still a very special person to me.

now they're saying ella's brother, andrew, has possibly had a heart attack. he and ella are so close and love each other SO MUCH! they've rushed him to the emergency room.

please let them be ok....


studying logs

originally posted march 19, 2007

Current mood: tired

okey smoke, so it's like this. i did my sleep study last night....and guess who was sawing logs??!?! that'd be me. if they couldn't find anything wrong with me, i was going to have to stay the rest of the day, but this morning, she came and clicked on the lights, and said, "ok, you can go!" i was like, "ummm, does that mean...." and she said, "sleep apnea? yep."

oh, goodie. i mean, OH, GOODIE!!!!

i just got home, and i still have sticky stuff all over my face and in my hair. i was wired with spaghetti literally from the top of my head, down to my ankles. and it took me a minute to fall asleep, but i slept, and of course, when i woke up this morning, i felt like i had just fallen asleep. imma try to post pictures on my blog, but i'm not sure it will work. they both watched me and listened to me while i slept, which was kinda creepy, but turns out, i didn't have a problem. i don't know, yet, how many times i stopped breathing or all of those stats, but i'll find out next time i go to the doc.

ah, shizzle. lemme talk to my friend alicia, and see if she can give me the 'tard's guide to posting pictures, and i'll get them on here.

*mumbles* stupid radiology degree.

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

i don't know...

i feel lost and useless today.


i said i DON'T want no drama

Current mood: exhausted

i'm so about to fall asleep. last night was erica's prom, so i went out there to see her and take pics and all that. let's just say, there was SO much drama that happened between erica and the girl who was supposed to be her best friend, the night ended in me having to take two klonopins and crash on amy's couch. (it is an INCREDIBLY long, somewhat exciting, pissy highschool story, so i won't even get into it right now.) nonetheless, erica and trent had a great time, and that's all i wanted for her.

so, i woke up today and realized that i have my sleep study tonight. one of the requirements of having the study is that i can't take any naps during the day. it's only 140p in the afternoon, and i'm already falling over at the computer. phil's on his way over here to take me to get some coffee, because i'm not gonna make it. i have to get checked in at 830p tonight, then i won't go to sleep until about 11p.

ohhhhhh crap. i'm not gonna make it. *drools*

Currently reading : The Dogs Who Found Me: What I've Learned from Pets Who Were Left Behind
By Ken Foster
Release date: By 01 March, 2006


vacation to _______?

ok. so, here it is. i need some help on figuring out where heather and i get to go on vacation. we've been planning this for about, oh, um, 6 years or something. anyway, she finally broke the other day. she sent me this email, in which i could tell she was feverishly typing.

and i quote:
"Ok.This is what I want to do. YOU have to pick somewhere in Continental US and I will pick the days. We are going to fly there and be us. So think of somewhere we would flippin' LOVE to be or somewhere that would mean something to us. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!...My face is all flushed just typing this out. It could be that I have a day off, but I think it's just wild abandon excitement!!"

so, my new site of the moment is vacationidea.com. i've been perusing the site, looking for fun and exciting things on there. i actually started with a map. just a plain map. of course, it was like, "hey! there's no pictures on this thing!" so, the map was short-lived. although my random closed-eyed flipping did land us in south dakota for our vacation, and LORD ONLY KNOWS where that is. it's obviously south of the north one, and not in alabama. after i established those two facts, i got scared that we'd end up where all those polygamists live, and we'd somehow end up as brides. not only is heather already happily married, but i'm not seeing marriage in my near future...especially not with a bunch of other chicks.

anyway, so i'm thinking. well, i'm always thinking. but i'm super-thinking about this. i've got a lot coming up this year, and i'm really excited! next weekend, i get to chaperone shelby's jr. beta club convention. we're going to huntsville, which isn't a big deal, but this will be the first time i've ever chaperoned anyone over 4, and somewhere other than the zoo. so, i have to act like an adult and stuff. riiiiight. we'll see.

WOOHOO! i'm an adult! and i get to turn 30 this year! this year is going to be awesome! i can feel it in my bones - that's prolly what all that aching has been. i'm just growing into an adult. &=)

ok, ok, i gotta go do some work or something. hell, i don't know WHAT they're calling me for. i've been working for some OT lately, so it's actually been pretty good. i got to work at trinity last week, then i worked at highlands on saturday, and i stayed late last night. it's been kinda nice working over. i still think i'm going to apply at the bookstore, just because i think that would be the funnest job ever.

ok, now they're screaming at me.

*screams back*

ok. more later.


amigurumi...and more!

ok, so here's my new obsession, and if i was NOT on this crappy work computer, i'd post some pictures. *AMIGURUMI* it's the japanese art of knitting or crocheting small stuffed animals. i mean, i couldn't knit a potholder if i had a gun to my head, but then again, i've never tried.

** http://www.nutandbee.com **

this chick, annette, has THE cutest things. there are links to her amigurumi buried in her site, but nut and bee is mostly dedicated to the stuff she draws. anyway, that's where i discovered it.

that's probably something you DON'T know about me, is i ADORE tiny things. anything tiny and vulnerable just breaks my heart into a million and one pieces. i don't know why. tiny animals, tiny babies, tiny toys - tiny THINGS are just TINY! &=)

here's a good site to look at the stuff she's knitted, if you like:

** http://www.flickr.com/photos/annettle/sets/1038936 **

and i'm going to knit a tiny animal army and OVERTHROW THE DARFURIAN GOVERNMENT AND FEED THE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

and just in case you didn't know that, that's my OTHER weakness, is helping people (in case you don't remember that time i took in those homeless "reforming" crackheads, and i couldn't get rid of them, but that caused me to learn something about myself - i can't work with drug addicts). i want to join the peace corps and go somewhere and help where i'm needed so badly, i can hardly sit in my seat. my bug is pretty bad right now, and i need to stop kicking around and just finish my freaking application. i wasn't meant to live here forever. as much as i adore my family (and when i say adore, i mean unhealthily obsess), i can't stay here.

i have no idea what any of these things has to do with the other. i'm just a little EDGY today. i worked last night, so i'm going on about 4 hours sleep. *blah*

oh, and just for posterity, i got a rainbow in the sky on my animal crossing ds game yesterday. i almost couldn't contain my excitement when i saw it, but i was down in surgery and i had to be quiet, because no one understands me anyway.

i'm like a little german performing monkey with a tiny hat and an accordian to these people.

i love being a gamer. i love being into sci-fi. i love computers. i love being a closet nerd. i love the times when i feel smart. i love being able to figure things out. i love being the only one who knows how to do stuff at work. i love the fact that i've read atlas shrugged. i love the fact that i can read, period. i love it that i anthropomorphize everything. i love my best friend. i love my family. i love my pets (my girls!) i love my friends. i love my allie cat. i love babies. i love animals. i love trees. i love nature. i love daffodils and dandelions. i love flowers. i love hair falls. i love that i cry at movies. i love feeling better. i even love it that my heart breaks at the tiniest, most benign things.

# these are just some of the things that i love #

i love being a freak.

today, i love being me.

tomorrow, we'll see. &=D

but the conversation never existed...

"what did he say to you?"

"i can't remember, because i wasn't paying attention...

my brain...it's like there's a foggy cloud, inside my head, surrounding my brain. nobody can see it."

"well, what are you going to do?"

"i...i don't really know. what do you think i should do?"

"there's nothing left TO do, right?"

"i...i guess you're right."


"there's nothing left."