green investing

i'm waist-deep in researching about green investing right now, but i just had to post this. i thought this was a very good (and thankfully, recent) article in Forbes by Brent Kessel.

04.23.07, 12:32 PM ET

When it comes to socially responsible investing, it is possible to have both economic and environmental responsibility. Some folks engage in socially responsible investing from a thematic angle--getting rid of all the "bad" companies. We think there is a middle road, whereby investors can see excellent returns with investments in line with their personal values. At Kubera Portfolios, our socially screened investment porTfolio outperformed the S&P 500 Index by 17.6% over three years.

When vetting companies for our portfolios, our seven-member investment committees look closely at their eco-credentials: hunting for positives (such as recycling programs, clean energy initiatives, an earth-friendly product line) and screening for negatives (toxic emissions, hazardous waste liabilities, harmful community impact). First and foremost, however, we look closely at the balance sheet and make sure the company is fiscally sound, with a lean price-to-earnings ratio. We don't want to see investors sacrifice their own financial sustainability in their quest to be green.

As a guideline for sustainable investing, I've come up with four basic tenets I call "Green Rules of Thumb."

1. Elucidate your own personal social values. Everyone has a slightly different definition of "socially responsible." Determine what yours is, and tailor your portfolio accordingly.
2. Decide whether you want to be a shareholder activist or simply a socially concerned investor. Do you want to lobby for change in the boardroom or passively invest in a company you feel good about?
3. Be sure to analyze the expense ratio of mutual funds. Keeping your personal costs low is a hallmark of sustainable investing.
4. Invest in as many different types of sustainable companies as possible within your portfolio. Diversification is essential for positive returns. With the myriad of sustainable companies out there, don't abandon sound rules of investing. You don't have to.

Brent Kessel is CEO of Kubera Portfolios.

Interviewed by Devon Pendleton

there's also...wait...AHEM...

sorry. anyway, there's another company that i'm thinking about putting at least 75% of my vestage into, called Winslow Green:

http://www.winslowgreen.com/products/index.asp

i like the fact that there are at least a FEW people out there who understand that environmentally-sound people like money, too. yes, i'm a hippie in my own right. i'm my mother's daughter, and i'm a tree-hugging, animal-loving, vegetarian wackadoo, but let's be real. i like technology. i like an ipod. i love my computer almost as much as a person. i'm in love with the digital age, and i'm thankful i'm able to be a part of it's birth. i love the time i'm in, although i could have chosen to be born a little later, therefore making me a bit younger. i'd LOVE to be enrolled in school right now, preferrably college - not grade school. when my depression isn't peaking, i hunger for knowledge. it's like i can't get enough. ahhh, but i digress.

my point is, i'm glad there's finally someone out there who understands that although we want green companies, green investments, green living, we don't always want to have to sacrifice our hard-earned green for it! i mean, i'm lucky to have a job - i love working here. even if i won the lottery that i never entered, i still don't think i'd like to stop working. maybe less, but not altogether.

i've contacted several companies about green investing, but the answer is usually the same - "we don't offer our services in your backwoods, hillbilly, no-shoes wearin' area," or something to that effect. so, i'm just having to skirt around various obstacles to find something that suits me. anyway, i'm hoping this will all work out, eventually to my retired-self's benefit. sure, i'm all about instant gratification just like the next person.

and the saying is right - youth IS truly wasted on the young.

question of the day

if you HAVE a bad thought, but then you don't say it out loud;

OR

you have a bad thought, but then chastise yourself for thinking something like that;

are you still committing a heinous crime?

eg. you see someone do/say something (with or without a disability), and you mock them internally. you don't actually SAY anything - the thought just enters your mind...i want to say 'without actively thinking it,' but i'm pretty sure that's not possible.

i'm just curious.

i'm always too curious.

i'm that kind of curious that makes you get BIT BY A BAT AND THEN HAVE TO GET THIS RIDICULOUS SET OF SHOTS THAT COSTS LIKE A BATRILLION DOLLARS IN THE UNIVERSEOKTHXBAI!!!!

no word on that, yet. i'm trying to get someone to write me the scrip for the initial immunoglobulin shot, then i can go to my doc office to get the rest of the series. don't get me started on how we eventually got to this point, but we did, and i'm still pissed. i'm SOOOO close to changing insurances...GRRRRRRR!!!!!

btw, sean, i'm sorry i wasn't there to get your baby bird! i actually know not to pick things up, when you're in the woods, but once they fly INTO the alcove of your apartment, and you don't want people doing gross things to them, it's, um, kinda hard to not do SOMEthing. especially when people in your complex have fetishes for hitting animals and stuff in the parking lot. so, no matter how dangerous, i will ALWAYS vie for the animals' safety over a truck mowing it down, ok? and you know who's gonna stop me? no-damn-body. i used to stop traffic to help turtles cross the road, when i took the back way to junior college.

sorry - that's just a hot-button issue with me. unfortunate as i'm sure some of you might think, i WOULD put my life in danger to rescue an animal. it has the right to life just as i do, and that's what pushes me over the limit into the elective category "card-carrying PETA member."

IT'S OK! *pushes guy out of way* I'M IN PETA!

LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language

this came from my uncle gordon, from one of my favorite sites (as you can see, listed to the side there, iffn u dun b teh dummest reTARD kk lulz!!!) icanhascheezburger.com. little did i know, i've been speaking LOL-Kitteh in my head for YEARS...


LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language (LKSL-101) in Five Easy Steps

Step one: Think of something to say. This is tricky for some people. ;)

We’ll try a simple, common comment to start:

“That’s a really cute cat. And look, he has a bow on his head!”

Step two: “Engrish” it.

1) Mis-decline verbs, especially misuse the verb “to be”
2) Misuse gerunds
3) Overuse prepositional phrases
4) Blatant rearrangement of syntax
5) Incorrect plurals and past-tense verbs
6) “noun” your adjectives. (For instance, the adjective “blue” can become the noun “blueness”)
7) Improper pronouns
8 ) Drop the articles (”a”, “and”, “the”) in favor of adding “-age” to the end of a noun
9) Use “younger” words (”kitty” versus “cat”, “fuzzy” versus “furry”, etc.)
10) Use the word “with” inappropriately.
11) If you really can’t wrap your head around the concepts behind “Engrish”, try this: Go to babelfish.altavista.com, type your desired comment in, hit “english-to-Japanese”, then re-translate back to English. You have to be able to view special characters (the kanji). If you can’t get that to work, try translating to a different, european-text language, like German.

So, we get:

“That being the kitty very full of cuteness. And to be with looking! Him gots bowage on hims head!”

Step three: Misspell everything. There’s no wrong way to do this, just try not to accidentally correctly spell a completely different word (especially one that’s pronounced differently than your spelling intends). Some words (usually short words) should simply remain spelled correctly for continuity’s sake.

1) Think like a little kid / cat / dog / goldfish, and get hukd on foniks
2) I cannot stress this enough: Vowels are your friends! Do not neglect vowels!! We’re speaking LolKitteh here, not text messaging! (My advice: use alternate vowels, Y’s are particularly handy, but don’t overuse them.)
3) Extra W’s and H’s (”awl” instead of “all”)
4) Z’s instead of S’s are easy
5) Double-letters versus single letters are always fun
6) Don’t be afraid to further pluralize things, including your verbs
7) Remember that the word “THE” must always be spelled “TEH”

now, we have:

“Dat beesing teh kiti vary ful ov kutenis. An to bees lukingz! Hims gotz bowwagez on hims hed!!”

Step four: Add exclamations and extra words.

1) Use commonly accepted internet abbreviations. Misspell them if necessary. (LOL = lawlz! ROTFL = rofflz! OMG = omgwtfbbq!?! … etc … )
2) Imagine that you’re actually in a crowd of people and you want everyone to look at this particular picture. Extra exclamations are thus necessary.
3) Think Valley Girl. The words “like,” “totally,” etc can be added. Remember to misspell!
4) Some common statements have been severely abbreviated into one single multi-syllabic word. These are good to use. The best example is “Okay, thank you, good-bye!” Which has been shortened to “kthxbye” (or “kthxbai”)

And, we have:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesing a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!?”

Step five: Add additional information. This can be the desire to interact with the subject of the photo, personal information, empathetic or sympathetic statements, responses to other posts, etc. Again, nothing right or wrong here, just whatever comes to mind.

Finally:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesings a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz!! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!? OMG I tewtul wuntz to grabz dat kiti and fuzziez himz awl ovar … him sooooooo mooshy an fullz ov win!! Don werry lil kiti, I no eetz u! I luvz kitiz! I can has bunchiz ov dem! Mah kitiz luvz bowwagez too! YETH!! GIMME!! Kthxbai!”

Remember that all of the above steps are basic guidelines for conversational lol-cat. Some regions do not always rearrange syntax. This a treasure for you. With some practice, you too can be writing (and speaking) in Conversational LolKitteh!

(this class is copyright ELFN 2007, all rights reserved, pliz to be kreditz if u be usingz da verbatumz kthxbai.)

stupid insurance - stupid rabies

we're in a bind about my rabies shots. my primary said i have to go to the health department for CDC reasons. i'm just going to look up and find out what the signs of rabies are, because i don't have $180 to be throwing around, until my insurance company FEELS like paying me back. i'll just wait and let them pay for the entire bill, when i end up in the hospital from this.

and you know, i can't help it, but i have to say something. one of the hottest guys i've ever known walked through one of the departments just now (i won't mention who or where for, um, liability reasons), and i have to say, the sight of that man walking away can surely bring a girl to her knees - in the good, old-fashioned sense, not the perverted kind.

every time i see him (coming to or going from), it makes my knees quiver - not just my bad knee. it makes me feel like i'm going to fall face-down on the ground. that's about all i can divulge about that issue. except that he's nice, and ah lak heem a LOT. &=)

*sigh*

i'm still exercising, but i need to find a cheap, back alley plastic surgeon. 'course, i DO own a dyson, so i guess i could just do most of it myself!

dyson - never loses suction.

*UPDATE*

oh, ok, so THIS is good:

In humans, signs and symptoms usually occur 30-90 days after the bite. Once people develop symptoms, they almost always die.

Early symptoms of rabies include fever, headache, sore throat, and feeling tired. As the virus gets to the brain, the person may act nervous, confused, and upset.

Other symptoms of rabies in humans include:

• pain or tingling at the site of the bite
• hallucinations (for example, seeing things that are not really there)
• hydrophobia ("fear of water" due to spasms in the throat)
• paralysis (unable to move parts of the body)

As the disease advances, the person enters into a coma and dies.

hmm...i'm still not convinced this is all worth $180. most of those symptoms i display on a daily basis, including the fear of water. hell, bats can't swim, and neither can i. we'll have to see.

let's talk

several things:

did you know that you can't just walk into the health department and GET a rabies shot? you have to have an APPOINTMENT. an appointment to have rabies.

next time i'll be handling wildlife, i'll remember to make an appointment.

also, would someone tell me when i turned into a real girl? heather and i went shopping on sunday to get her some things for her conference in denver, and i couldn't leave ross without buying clothes. it was...strange. not a feeling to which i'm accustomed.

i normally stand there and fidget while people shop, but i was like, LOOKING at stuff. and SHOPPING.

*shivers* i hope this doesn't become a habit.

lastly, did you know philadelphia makes ready-made cheesecake filling, and it comes in it's own handy tub? a giant tub. big enough for a whole cheesecake. i'd tell you the "nutritional facts" of it, but i'm too lazy to turn the tub around. plus, i can't hold my spoon, the tub, AND type.

*urp*

but for real, today will be day 5 that i've been doing my exercises. my friend, dave, showed me several exercises i can do with 5 lb weights, and i'm doing really good! &=D yay, me! i can't do anything where i bear weight on my knee, though, but hopefully, we're gonna get that fixed soon-ish.

dammit. i gotta get a scanner. that kneecap in two pieces is something to behold. stannard said he'd scrape out the insides of the two pieces, put in bone graft and put in tension screws. i told him, at this point, i couldn't care less if he lopped the damn thing off. he gave me some steroid cream to put on it, but it's not doing anything. i have to wait until after my coworker terri's wedding.

AAAAAND, my MRSA is acting up again. i've had several more...uh, LESIONS (yuck) pop up in various places around my body, and they're acting just like my pilonidal abscess, so i went to see dr han, and he confirmed that i'm ravaged with it. ok, well, it's just ON me. and he said that MRSA colonies live in - get this - the nose, the bellybutton and the anus. and because i have these things popping up, my, um, COLONIES are getting out of control. *shudders* i can acquire and manifest the strangest things.

ok, imma go fix some brussels sprouts (sprouts from brussels) and watch simpsons.

hope everyone is good. i'm making it, which is pretty good, especially for a MOONDAY.

my baby bat

here's my baby bat:




















the black things are his poopers.


















in this pic, he's got his mouth wide open and is doing that echo-location thing. this was right before i let him go! *sniff*

i went out behind my apartment the other night, around dusk, took him out of his box and held him in my hand. he crawled around for a few seconds, then crawled to the apex of my hand and took off. it was weird, because he didn't feel like he weighed anything at all, and when he took off, it was totally silent! but i saw him fly, and he flew perfectly fine, so at least neither of his wings were broken. if he would have had a broken wing, though, i would have acquired myself a new pet.

and before everyone gets all in an uproar, i'm gonna go to the health dept on monday and GET MY SHOTS. heather's husband, lee, keeps asking if i'm having any aversions to light or water.

and the answer to that would be *HISSSSSSSSSSSS*

this is BAT COUNTRY

ok, ok, guess what i got today????

A BAT!

ok, so, here's what happened. i was running late to work, and as i came out to lock the door to my apartment, i saw this big, dark thing out of the corner of my eye. i looked and saw a bat laying there, FLAT as a pancake, wings splayed all the way out. i was like, "OMG! OMG! is he...are you dead?" so, i picked him up, or at least i tried to. his claw-toe-things were embedded in the concrete. but i managed to pick him up high enough that when i had my hand under him, i could feel his tiny pulse/heartbeat. i started yelling, "OMG, you're NOT dead!" i know the people in the complex were like, "why is she always so weird???" so, i picked him up and cradled him in my warm hand, hoping that maybe he was just injured or cold or something. i was really late at that point, so i figured i'd take him to work with me. my boss and some of the people i work with are big hunters/outdoorsy-type people, so i knew they'd help me.

i got in the car and called my aunt, since they'd had experiences with their own bat "bruce," who lived in their house. i was about halfway to work, and we were talking bat-talk, when i felt movement in my hand. i looked down and said, "awww, he's trying to pick his head up!" amy said, "jimmy, if he starts flying around in that car..."

"OMG, GAAAH, HE'S AWAKE!!! HE'S GOT A WING OUT!"

he had apparently "come to," picked up his head, realized he was no longer in "bat country," and FREAKED. i had him by his left wing and chest, in the palm of my hand, and his head was up and his right wing was sticking straight out. when he woke up, he opened his mouth (bats have big mouths), and stuck his right wing out HUGE, and started clicking like mad. he was grabbing onto my shirt with his right wing fingernail-thing, while i was trying to hold him with my left hand, pull his nail off with my right, and navagate the interstate with my knee. he was freaking and bit me, like, 6 times, but it didn't hurt. it was like he didn't have any teeth. maybe they were just tiny and needle-like, and he's injected me with vampire poison, so now i'll have to feed from the blood of the living.

or he could just be a baby and not have any teeth.

so, anyway, he totally comes alive and is echo-locating like CRAZY. i know he's scared, and I'M scared, and amy's on the other end of the phone, yelling, "THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW!!!" i was like, "onto the interstate??? are you crazy??!?" so, he kinda calmed down a little bit, once he realized that not only was i not going to let him go (flying around the car and more than likely into my hair), but he was also not really in peril, because he wasn't dying or hurting.

somehow, i made it to work and into a parking space. so, i'm sitting in the parking lot, holding a bat.

i just brought a BAT to work.

i mean, it sounded like a good idea in my head! so, i'm thinking, "how am i gonna get this guy inside?" i mean, i can't stick him in my bag, because he'll probably climb out, but more than likely, get squished. i was like, ummmmm.......so, i stuck him in my pocket!

i walked in to my department, walked right up to my boss and said, "umm, i have a little bit of a problem." he said, "ok. what is it?" i opened my pocket, and he jumped back and said, "WOAH! what the....??" he pointed over to one of my coworkers and said, "he's the man you need to talk to." so, i showed him to the other guy, tommy, while chris went and got me a box. tommy said he was just a brown bat. out of all the bazillions of bats in the universe, i got a brown one. he said, he probably got lost or bumped into something and was out when i found him. i said, "well, he was comin' alive on the way here!" chris came back and had him a lil box with a towel in it! i stuck him in chris' face and said, "say 'thank you, uncle chris!'" chris was like, "ehhhh...."

so, my bat is currently residing in a box, on top of some books, in my department. they keep SHOWING him to everyone, so i'll be getting fired any minute now for bringing wild animals to work. but he's SO CUTE! &=D i never thought i'd say that about a bat! but he is!!! i wish i would keep him, but i know i can't. i'm gonna wait until night, then take him out and put him on a tree behind my apartment, like tommy said. he said he was little enough that he could have just been a baby that got lost.

*doe eyes* I HAVE A LOST BABY BAT! &=(

then, chris kept asking derrick how much he could pay him to eat my bat.

guys are so frickin gross.

nobody's eating MY bat. i keep going to check on him, but he's just sitting in there, breathing really hard, making lotsa poops. he's got his lil wings pulled way up underneath him so you can't even tell he has wings. he looks like a little mouse...with REALLY long toenails. i can't wait to get him home. i think i'm gonna run by heather's and borrow her camera, so i can take his picture. he's gonna LOVE that.

yay! i'm temporary mother to a bat!

i found a baby bird in the parking lot of my junior college years ago. i'm TERRIFIED of birds, so i cried because i had to pick it up. but i couldn't just leave it there - i'm not that kind of person. back when i lived in pell city, i would take wild animals to my vet's office all the time - i know they got really sick of that. but i can't help it!

anyway, i'm pretty sure this guy (girl?) can fly, so we'll see tonight. if you see anything on the news about a girl in birmingham being attacked by a "nipsey-russle" of bats, you'll know it wasn't a freak accident.

just a freak.

to the hero.

Mood: thoughtful

this isn't an appeal, merely a statement...

i had that feeling again, tonight, and of all times, while i was watching shrek 2. it was that tiny bit of hope. it tried so hard to peek out...well, actually, it tried to tear it's way from my chest, and it was so strong. where does it come from?

i cried my eyes out when i heard that song "i need a hero," because i heard it. of course i heard the song, but i heard the plea.
do you understand that i've stopped? i don't ask anymore. i don't look for it in anyone, because i can't see it. i know what it looks like, and for me, it's blindingly obvious. there are people that i love, but they never fill that void. they're not the piece of the puzzle. they don't fill in the circle. they're all friends, and my true, dear friends lack nothing...sadly, that's all they can remain.

i need a hero by bonnie tyler

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero...

abortion

Current mood: headache

i just read something that deeply disturbs me. i'm not going either way to say i'm pro-choice or pro-life, because i don't want to get into that discussion with anyone. it's a very personal and intimate discussion to me. but i was on abortionfacts.com (please don't ask - some days, i have a LOT of free time on my hands at work), and this site is saying that regular birth control pills are actually "micro-abortions."

*long silence*

ok, i'll just let you read for yourself. to me, this is another good reason to wait until you get married to have sex. (*coughsomeYOUNGERPEOPLEiknowcough*)

What about the standard contraceptive pill?

There are over 30 "contraceptive" pills on the market, each differing a little from the others. They "prevent" pregnancy through three separate functions.

1. They thicken the mucous plug at the cervix. If this is the primary effect, then it truly is contraceptive because it prevents sperm from entering.

2. They prevent release of the ovum. If this is the primary effect, then the function is "temporary" sterilization.

3. They render the lining of the womb hostile to the implantation of the tiny new human at one week of life. This effect is abortifacient.

The earlier high-estrogen pills largely prevented ovulation. The newer low-estrogen pills allow "break-through" ovulation in up to 20% or more of the months used. Such a released ovum is fertilized 10% or more of the time. Most of these tiny new lives which result, do not survive. The reason is that at one week of life this tiny new boy or girl cannot implant in the womb lining (see number 3 above) and dies. These are micro-abortions.

The pill, then, can have a contraceptive or temporary sterilization effect (by far the most common), or it can be an abortifacient. illke, "The Physiologic Function of Certain Birth Control Measures," National RTL News, Mar. 9, 1981

You mean the effect is to abort?

Yes! "The morphological changes observed in the endometrium of oral contraceptive users have functional significance and provide evidence that reduced endometrial receptivity does indeed contribute to the contraceptive efficacy of OCs." In other words, because the endometrial lining is not receptive to the human being, who must implant in order to continue living, the human being will die. Somkuti, et al., "The Effect of Oral Contraceptive Pills on Markers of Endometrial Receptivity," Fertility and Sterility, Vol. 65, #3, 3/96, p. 488

Currently watching : Shrek/Shrek 2
Release date: By 28 March, 2006

hurt

Current mood: depressed

my heart is heavy and empty at the same time. for some reason, loneliness consumes me. i don't know what it is - holidays, anniversaries. i've tried to give it a name, a reason. but it's just here. and it's on me. it's all over me. it is me. i can see death and hollowness in my eyes. sometimes the tears can't stop coming, but there are times they won't come at all. my agorophobia is bad again. i don't want to be around people. the only thing i can attempt to do is to stay busy, but even that won't hold me forever. am i just supposed to keep running until i collapse? there's no way. i can't force myself to be around people - that makes it all worse. it makes me hate myself, and it makes me resent the people i love.

i always think that it's him, but it's not. it's the thing that WAS him. it's the thing that made US. it's the comfort i found in the love i had with him. it was the feeling of falling into the arms of someone i truly loved with every fiber of my being.

now, people hug me. people tell me they are there. but it doesn't matter. it's not the same. and it doesn't help. it's so shallow and hateful for me to say those things, but i don't like to pretend. i do it all the time, just to make it through the fucking day, and i hate it. i'm never me. i'm so mournful inside right now. i'm so emo, so cliche. but it's me. it's how i feel.

my head hurts, my heart hurts, i'm trying so hard to get physically better, but this psychological crap puts up a brick wall in the path of my progress. and it takes so long and so much damn energy to chip away at the wall - just to make a big enough hole for me to crawl through. so, there's a hole, and there's still the wall that i try to leave behind, but the matter is still present. it's just pushed away.

i'm doing better financially - much better. that takes such a load off. but the saying is true - money doesn't buy happiness. it only feeds your need for REAL LIFE. i LONG to find someone who can love me for me, someone for whom my feelings are reciprocated. there are people who care for me, and people for whom i care. but i can't just MAKE myself feel a way. i want to, God knows i do. but i'm so afraid anymore.

no, not afraid.

tired.

tired of the fight. tired of the struggle. tired of pushing to make it every single day.
i want someone to find me. i want him to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i've never felt. i want it to completely consume me. i want him to forgive me for having a past. i want someone who wants what i want. i want someone to have the fire that i have to help others. i'd love to meet someone who would join me in the peace corps, to travel and build and help and heal. that's all i can think about anymore. i know it's what i was meant to do. but i want someone to go with me. i want someone to want the same things i want. i don't know who he is. i don't even know if he exists. i want him to know that i would give my entire life to be a part of him. i want someone who doesn't push away if i feel the need to visit my family. i want someone who's family can become a part of mine. i want to mesh entirely into his life. i want what i had with aaron. i want it so badly, i can taste it.

it's not him. not anymore. it's just the relationship. it's what i had. i know it was perfect, i know i threw it away, i know it's gone. but i'm new. i'm forgiven. i'm clean and completely pure. my mind is in a different state. i can think clearly. i know what i want out of my life.

please let me have that chance. i don't know who you are. i don't even know if you exist. but please know that i'm good. i don't have hate in my heart, except for those who hurt the people i love. i'm here, and i know that i will continue on with or without you. but your attention would be wonderful. it would make my life so much easier, and i would love to do the same for you.

please find me.

Currently reading : Bridge to Terabithia
By Katherine Paterson
Release date: By 17 June, 1987

at least i'm not trichotillomanic

Current mood: hungry

i might have sleep apnea and look like a freak in my sleep, but at least i don't eat my own hair.

right. count your BLESSINGS, not your curses.

i always forget that, for some reason...

oh, for the love of all that is holy in the universe, i can't sleep.

that's all.

c-pap or not, i'm totally awake. AND my dvd player is broke, so i'm watching old episodes of aqua teen on my computer. AND i'm starving.

*sigh*

just one of many, MANY sleepless nights...

"dang...it makes me sad that they had to open their toys in front of an ape, and they were all made out of doo-doo. what kind of christmas is that?"

Currently watching : Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Volume Two

Release date: By 20 July, 2004

redeemed every night at 9p

my emotions are completely out of whack. the only thing i can appreciate right this second is that the simpsons are coming on.

incidentally, i'm having a lot of "issues" with where i belong right now. i'm actually talking to a lady with cross-cultural solutions about joining one of their volunteer programs for a few weeks. i had originally wanted to go to dharamsala, but i was reading about morocco and ghana, and i'm kinda leaning towards africa now. the only thing that's holding me back is the fact that you have to PAY to join the program. *psh*

ok, show's on. i promise i'll post again soon. i'm just...i'm kinda lost right now. funny to think about the things or people who possibly curtail your depression. when those things are taken away, it's like there's no turning back. i wish i could go back 7 years and start again...

Currently playing : Harvest Moon DS
Release date: By 12 September, 2006