Just burning bridges all along the way.
We've dubbed Joseph as Mr. Christian, from Mutiny on the Bounty. And, am I ever ready. I've never wanted to see someone suffer so badly...well, not at least since I worked at Children's. It frustrates the hell out of me that he can take something so fucking great and turn it into something so tremendously awful. If Joseph can just find us the funding, we have all the people we have to run a stable and completely morally upstanding company. I'm really excited, if we can make it work. If not, I have other options. I'm going to try to hang around as long as I possibly can, but for me to only have been there for a month or so, and I've already acquired a bleeding ulcer, it ain't lookin' so hot.
He doesn't deserve to win, though. He deserves NOTHING, except the same horrific suffering he's put us all through. He's a fucking ridiculous human being. I've definitely never met anyone like him and never hope to again. He begs us to tell us what things are wrong within the company, but when we do, it's always either the backlash or his sudden psychotic mood change that's nearly unbearable.
I could go on and on and on about this asshole. There's NOTHING good about him, except that he's old enough to almost be dead. Jesus Christ, I hate saying that about someone, but he's a terrible person.
As for socially, I've had to tone it down some. Not partying as much, mainly because I can't afford it, but also because I can't handle it mentally. I'm a homebody. I love partying with my ZKC, but work's really stressed me out to the point that I can't enjoy anything else. And, money has me stressed beyond belief. It gets really fucking old. I wish someone would pay my bills up to this minute and just let me start the fuck over. OF COURSE, I leave tonight, to run to the gas station, to get a cup of gas station ice (I was craving it), and I get pulled over for rolling through a stop sign - most expensive ice I've ever bought. &=\ I really hate cops.
So, yes. Smoking and drinking was my life for the last couple of months. I've toned it down, and since I got tapped for roller derby, I've been trying to eat better and do better. It's hard, though. I miss my sugar, that's for sure.
And, love-wise...well, that's another post. &=P
Anyway, I'm wide-fucking-awake and watching Futurama with Mark. I just want to SLEEEEEEP...and I want my shoulder and neck to stop hurting. Other than that, I'm stressed at hell, but still loving my job and the people I work with. I just hate my boss.
At this point, I can only keep pushing. I keep having that thing where I'm not sure I'm making the right decisions for my life. Yes, I went for love over money, but it's not working out, AND I'm barely making ends meet.
I also can't find anyone with whom I'm happy, but I really think that's just because I haven't found the right person. I've had it twice, and I threw it away both times. Other than that, I just kinda want to be by myself. I want to be okay with me. I just want to hang out with my friends when I want to. And, I want to get my freaking apartment cleaned up. And, my bills paid. Yeah, I have a lot of demands. I don't know that I'll ever be happy. It's always very fleeting.
What am I doing? I don't know. I've definitely lost my penchant for writing. This whole thing sounds totally stupid. I'm becoming stupid. I need to get back into better habits, but I don't know how. Anyone know any successful hypnotists? I'm ready to send my life into a moderately happy direction. Success, I've come to the realization, is based on individual belief. I don't think I'm quite there, yet. I guess that's why my most prominent chakra is my sacral chakra. I'm so far away from the crown, it's ridiculous. &=P
Okay, just chatting. Dave fixed my computer, so I have it back...temporarily. It keeps overheating, but at least I have a computer. I can't pay my internet bill (or any of my other bills), so I can only get on internet, when I can pick up a stray connection. Success for me would definitely be me paying my fucking bills - that would totally help.
Time for bed...or ice cream...or serenity. We'll see which one motivates me the most.
God, this is sucky. I really should be doing something...........