Summary, part 1

Okay, yikes. So, I haven't posted in a while. That's how most of my posts have been starting out as of late, so in a desperate attempt to keep from repeating myself AGAIN, let's just get on with it.

So, I haven't been incredibly inspired to write or post, which is weird. A lot has been going on. But, I just haven't felt the need to share. Well, that, and I'm not really sure with whom I'm sharing anymore. But, I'm not turning this bitch private. My private stuff I just don't post. And, if it's THAT private, then I keep it to myself altogether. Something that caustic can do no good once it leaves my body/mind/mouth.

Right now, I'm waiting for Trevin to get home from work, so he can come get his Xbox, that I've been playing for the past two hours. Cris is at work, although we weren't sure if he had to work tonight. I just got done chatting with Phil, and he's about to make him and Jezzy something to eat. Oh, and a few days ago, he finally brought her over here to play with Jack - they had SO MUCH FUN! And, it was fun watching them. They're so violent, but pits play with their mouths (well, Jezzy uses her hands, too, since she's part boxer), and they weren't mean-fighting. They just play-fought. But, it was so loud, and Jezzabelle would throw her shoulder into Jack and take him straight to the ground, just like he was nothing. It was great. Now, I wish I would have taken pictures.

Hmmm...I usually have more to say than I think I do. I keep thinking maybe I should post every day, but I have a feeling that would get a bit monotonous. Plus, my thoughts are completely different now that I'm not depressed and stressed as shit every, single day. Less thought-provoking, more in the light.

I don't know. I'm listening to music right now, and I'm about to pick Oblivion back up and start playing again. My mind is going a mile a minute right now, but there are reasons behind it.

Cris asked if I wanted to move in together last night, and I'm still tossing that around in my head. I mean, I said yes. But, I'm nervous. I don't know what this is, and of course, you DON'T know, unless you try. But, I'm not looking for something temporary.

But, I still have feelings for Phil...and I'm PRETTY sure he doesn't have feelings for me (other than carnal - let's be honest), but I don't think I could get him to tell me one way or the other, even if I held a fucking bow and arrow to his temple. He used to be so good about talking to me, but things change over time. I miss him....

God, this is so sucking. But, hey. If this is as bad as it is right now, amen, my friends. Praise God for the ups AND the downs.

A guy I went to high school with referred me to a friend of his, who works on Hondas, and he's going to come pick my car up tomorrow (from the Waffle House on University, where it's been for almost three weeks) and take it to get fixed!!! WOO! Once I get my car fixed, I can get a job, and I'll be straight. In the meantime, I've been hanging out here...at home...doing NOTHING. I'm sure people on Facebook are like, "does she seriously live here?" Ok, for now, yes, I do. And, I HATE Facebook! I like being able to stay in touch with people I want to, but that whole whorish adding of friends and becoming fans of Starbucks and sleeping on your side, etc.

Whatever. Do what you want. That's all that matters to me. Everyone can do their own thing and leave me to mine. When our paths cross, then what's up? Until then, do what you do.

How profound of me. &=)

Ok, so right. Anyone have anything pertinent to add? Anyone even out there anymore? I really hope to get better with my blogging, but I keep saying that, so srsly - don't hold your breath. Omg, I finally got to see my Migs after about a month, and she brought me the ruling book of the century. All other books will be put aside until I can read this:

No, I don't know what it's about yet, nor do I care. But, a book with Jane Austin...AND ZOMBIES??!?! WHAT??!?!?!!! Yeah, I did the extraneous punctuation!!!!! What are you going to do about it???????????????????????????????????????????


Okay, Trevin's here. We're going to chill and play Xbox. I'll update more as I see fit...like, tomorrow. In the meantime, well, take it easy. I plan on doing the same.




Things are...better.

They're getting better.

I feel better.

It will be better.

Patience just isn't a friend of mine.

Paul will be here on Tuesday, and we can figure out what to do about the car. Still looking for work - running out of places that aren't in the Southside area, which is going to be impossible, without a car. You know how it is.

Spent the evening comforting a friend, who is also on the verge. We all get there - some of our trains just move a little quicker and more erratically than others (me).

Now, I lay me down to sleep...next to someone who is very dear to me. I hope this remains so.

Goodnight, my friends. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They are very much needed and always appreciated. My heart belongs to you, as well.



Life, interrupted...

I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed. Since losing my job, the only thing I've been able to focus on (obsess over) is finding a job. Then, my car died. So, now I have that, too.

Now, Kate just called and said Grammy's in the hospital, uncontrollably bleeding from her mouth. She had three teeth pulled yesterday, and for the love of all that is holy, I'll never know WHY they did it yesterday. She's been on blood thinners for over a year, because of her pacemaker, and now...

WHY is this happening???? WHY can I not get to my family???? YES, my family needs me - I don't care if they have their own "family units" or do their own things, there are times when they need me. This would be one of those good times to have a car.

Thank God for Kate, though. She said she hadn't heard from Grammy, so she went by to check, and Gordon was in the bed, apparently passing a kidney stone. Grammy had called the ambulance on her own, to take her to the hospital. (I'm glad to see all that ragging we did to her, about calling the ambulance when you're in trouble, didn't go to waste.) So, Kate said she got up there, and Gram was already in a room. I'm assuming they have her on antibiotics and God only knows what else (yes, that hospital still makes me nervous).

GOD DAMMIT, this makes me SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!! HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??? I'm 32 fucking years old, and I have NO job and NO car! And, it's not like I'm not trying! This is insane! I've put in apps and resumes everywhere, I've called, I've gone on interviews - if I hadn't just signed this nine month lease, I'd say fuck Birmingham and go elsewhere. I know your problems are your problems NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, but Christ. There has to be better opportunity than here in the hell of the south.

Yes, I've considered it all - going back to school, doing regular desk work, cleaning toilets, just picking up and leaving. I have NO SHAME when it comes to work! I can work alongside anyone, doing anything. It may be harder for me, but I don't care. Work is work, and that's what I need right now.

Also, there's a possibility that I could be denied for my unemployment, so that's going to be even better! I'm assuming, now, that my life was meant for me to strictly owe something to everyone. Whether or not they hold me accountable or we have a tally, it's just going to happen. There's no getting rich and famous. There's no paying anyone back. I know that now. It's all very evident. I will have no success in my life. I'M DEALING WITH IT.

Jesus, I don't know how I got onto this. I haven't updated on anything that's going on. Jack is whining, and I just changed my bedsheets. That's about all I can say. I met a fantastic guy, who has his own "other" who still exists in his life, so that's fun. In fact, she's coming to visit in a week or so. I know what it's like on both sides of the coin, I assure you. I like him a lot. He's an actor, and he's just an all-around stellar person. He makes my heart flutter. He makes me smile. He laughs at all the ridiculous things I say. He's outwardly beautiful with a magnificent soul.

And, I know he wasn't meant for me, but it's fun to pretend, huh? He's so above me in every conceivable way. And, I'm so envious to play a part in his life.

I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't talk to God as much as I should. Usually, when I do, I'm begging for help. (Hell, isn't that what we all do?) I really have been fabulously blessed. Without Dave, I don't know where I'd be right now. (Bankrupt, no doubt.) Heather and I have grown so far apart, I had forgotten her phone number the other day. Her father passed away this week, and all I wanted was to be there for her, but...

Life has been so hard on me this past month. I don't mean all the laying around I get to do at home, while waiting on pins and needles for phone calls, compulsively checking my email for job offers, scouring the internet for jobs and cars, anything I can find, popping a couple of klonopin when I'm pretty sure my insides are about to become part of my outsides.

That's it. That has been my life. Every now and again, I find kind friends who will deliver to me a momentary reprieve and take me away from here. There are so many people I have to thank, but no way to show my gratitude.

Thank you, friends. I haven't anything to show how much I love and adore each one of you. And, I know you don't all read this, but I will get the word out somehow. My life is still in the usual upheaval as it always is, but you, my dear friends, make it all the more bearable. You keep my insanity tamed, although I feel it lashing out from time to time. One day, I hope for you all to see me as who I truly am. I am a happy, jovial, kind, loving and carefree person. Scoff, though you might - it's true. There are people who knew me "before."

But, I love all of you unconditionally, and I can never thank you for all you've done for me. One day, if it's at all possible, I hope you make you proud. In the meantime, I am forever indebted to your constant kindness, thoughts and favors. I'm so undeserving of the loving friends I have. I love each one of you.

Thank you.

Prayers to my family and my friends. We ALL need help right now.