Now, Kate just called and said Grammy's in the hospital, uncontrollably bleeding from her mouth. She had three teeth pulled yesterday, and for the love of all that is holy, I'll never know WHY they did it yesterday. She's been on blood thinners for over a year, because of her pacemaker, and now...
WHY is this happening???? WHY can I not get to my family???? YES, my family needs me - I don't care if they have their own "family units" or do their own things, there are times when they need me. This would be one of those good times to have a car.
Thank God for Kate, though. She said she hadn't heard from Grammy, so she went by to check, and Gordon was in the bed, apparently passing a kidney stone. Grammy had called the ambulance on her own, to take her to the hospital. (I'm glad to see all that ragging we did to her, about calling the ambulance when you're in trouble, didn't go to waste.) So, Kate said she got up there, and Gram was already in a room. I'm assuming they have her on antibiotics and God only knows what else (yes, that hospital still makes me nervous).
GOD DAMMIT, this makes me SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!! HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??? I'm 32 fucking years old, and I have NO job and NO car! And, it's not like I'm not trying! This is insane! I've put in apps and resumes everywhere, I've called, I've gone on interviews - if I hadn't just signed this nine month lease, I'd say fuck Birmingham and go elsewhere. I know your problems are your problems NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, but Christ. There has to be better opportunity than here in the hell of the south.
Yes, I've considered it all - going back to school, doing regular desk work, cleaning toilets, just picking up and leaving. I have NO SHAME when it comes to work! I can work alongside anyone, doing anything. It may be harder for me, but I don't care. Work is work, and that's what I need right now.
Also, there's a possibility that I could be denied for my unemployment, so that's going to be even better! I'm assuming, now, that my life was meant for me to strictly owe something to everyone. Whether or not they hold me accountable or we have a tally, it's just going to happen. There's no getting rich and famous. There's no paying anyone back. I know that now. It's all very evident. I will have no success in my life. I'M DEALING WITH IT.
Jesus, I don't know how I got onto this. I haven't updated on anything that's going on. Jack is whining, and I just changed my bedsheets. That's about all I can say. I met a fantastic guy, who has his own "other" who still exists in his life, so that's fun. In fact, she's coming to visit in a week or so. I know what it's like on both sides of the coin, I assure you. I like him a lot. He's an actor, and he's just an all-around stellar person. He makes my heart flutter. He makes me smile. He laughs at all the ridiculous things I say. He's outwardly beautiful with a magnificent soul.
And, I know he wasn't meant for me, but it's fun to pretend, huh? He's so above me in every conceivable way. And, I'm so envious to play a part in his life.
I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't talk to God as much as I should. Usually, when I do, I'm begging for help. (Hell, isn't that what we all do?) I really have been fabulously blessed. Without Dave, I don't know where I'd be right now. (Bankrupt, no doubt.) Heather and I have grown so far apart, I had forgotten her phone number the other day. Her father passed away this week, and all I wanted was to be there for her, but...
Life has been so hard on me this past month. I don't mean all the laying around I get to do at home, while waiting on pins and needles for phone calls, compulsively checking my email for job offers, scouring the internet for jobs and cars, anything I can find, popping a couple of klonopin when I'm pretty sure my insides are about to become part of my outsides.
That's it. That has been my life. Every now and again, I find kind friends who will deliver to me a momentary reprieve and take me away from here. There are so many people I have to thank, but no way to show my gratitude.
Thank you, friends. I haven't anything to show how much I love and adore each one of you. And, I know you don't all read this, but I will get the word out somehow. My life is still in the usual upheaval as it always is, but you, my dear friends, make it all the more bearable. You keep my insanity tamed, although I feel it lashing out from time to time. One day, I hope for you all to see me as who I truly am. I am a happy, jovial, kind, loving and carefree person. Scoff, though you might - it's true. There are people who knew me "before."
But, I love all of you unconditionally, and I can never thank you for all you've done for me. One day, if it's at all possible, I hope you make you proud. In the meantime, I am forever indebted to your constant kindness, thoughts and favors. I'm so undeserving of the loving friends I have. I love each one of you.
Prayers to my family and my friends. We ALL need help right now.