9.12.2006

welcome to the fray!

current mood: in much pain

this will be short - i had surgery on friday (we'll just say on an unmentionables and leave it at that - TRUST me on this one), and i'm having a lot of complications, so i can't sit here for any extended amount of time.


i just wanted to tell everyone that i've posted this blog on blogger.com, under the heading "jimmy's head" - i don't really know how you access it, and i don't have the patience nor the sitting ability to find out. so, if you WANT to read the same thing, feel free to visit it there.

otherwise, i'm going to try to take a shower and lay down. i feel horrible. i'll write more later to let you know that all is not lost...yet...wait....uh oh. is that my __________ (insert gross body part here)? ok, NOW it's lost.

even pirates deserve to get paid

Originally posted Friday, August 25, 2006

even pirates deserve to get paid

Current mood: ecstatic

i just got done getting caught up on my bills! hallelujah, jesus, i just paid bills! i know this means nothing to anyone, but i finally got caught up enough to pay rent, cellphone, gas, water, power, cellphone & even the minimum on my credit card. omg, i didn't think it would feel this great. i know i have almost zero left, but holy crap, these bills have been bugging the shit out of me for the past couple of months. it seems like the ONLY thing i get to buy for myself anymore is GASOLINE!!!!!

you guys, i'm working really, really hard with my money right now. i know it seems i've become a complete shut-in and totally antisocial...and i have. because it costs to be a friend. and that SUCKS. so, i've restrained from doing ANYTHING and going ANYWHERE. i wish i had something to show for all this negative money business, but i don't. but i'm trying. sometimes it's REALLY hard to keep from throwing my hands up in disgust and saying, "screw all this," and just moving back to pell city. where would i go? probably my grandmother's basement with my 40-something year old uncle. hey, i can work early on becoming "scary cat lady". my grandmother is kind of a cat lady, but she's not scary. in fact, she's the complete opposite of scary. which would equal "short, cute & kind angel lady who makes good food & has bad knees & one eye, but is not a pirate."

i have a feeling i'll end up being the scary version of that...which would probably include becoming a pirate. i wouldn't have a parrot, though, since i'm scared of birds. i get seasick pretty easily, too, so they might have to create a new genre of pirate for me..."homrate" (home & pirate) or "piment" (pirate & apartment) or "rentrate" (rent & pirate) or "big, fat, smelly hog" (a combination of many of my endearing qualities).

i can't believe i just paid bills. apparently, becoming an adult makes you a big loser, because you find joy in the STUPIDEST things. it makes me want to run around in the nude hugging everyone in this complex...except child molester. i can't think of any reason to hug him, even with clothes. *shivers*

a challege for you!

Originally posted Thursday, August 24, 2006

a challege for you!
Current mood: hungry

"WEIRDEST thing anyone's ever said to you on IM"

ok, so i was on the 'puter the other night, just surfing, and my yim pops open, and this guy starts a chat. i'm friendly enough, so i'm chatting back, and out of the blue, he says, "hey, btw, do you have herpes? i do, and i'm just looking for other like people to chat with." i was a bit stunned, so i sat there for a minute without answering. finally, i was like, "no, dude, i don't. um, sorry to disappoint..."

i wasn't really sure at that point whether to be impressed with his honesty or totally grossed out at his BLATENT honesty. either way, it was just...weird. i mean, don't they make a support group for that or something? *shivers* i've had other odd conversations, but we'll worry about those later.

SO, what's the weirdest thing a complete and total stranger has ever said to YOU on im? i'm very interested in seeing what you all have to say!!!

Currently reading : Atlas Shrugged
By Ayn Rand
Release date: By 01 August, 1999

i feel as though i've stopped coming up for air

Originally posted Wednesday, August 16, 2006

i feel as though i've stopped coming up for air.

Current mood: distressed

i repeat, i'm no longer coming up for air, and i can't figure out why. i'm going to bed now. i hope this finds everyone "weller" than me. it will all work itself out. it always does. after a good 40k jump, right, sam?
sleep well, all. two more days of this horrid week. they can't all be this bad.

turd people

Monday, August 14, 2006


turd people

Current mood: pissed off


you know, i just wrote this really great thing that expressed all my anger and hatred towards "the turd people of the universe," and i clicked accept and all that great stuff, then i wanted to edit it, so i clicked edit, and apparently "edit" really means "delete" and so it deleted the WHOLE GOD-DAMN THING.


so, now i'm SUPER pissed off, and i don't think there's an emoticon for that. apparently, though, i wasn't supposed to share any of those thoughts about favors or turd people or the nuns, so WHATEVER. *fumes*


oh, i will say what i have to say. but now i have to go to bed and be mad for a minute. because i'm mad. because the computer eats words. MY words. but it won't eat my memory. and the anger is still there. i just wanted to spill it while it was fresh.


fuck, i hate the cosmic morbidity of the universe. my words are out there somewhere and some frickin alien is looking at them, like, "010011100101001001010100010011100110010101010010010100100100100101110010," because i imagine that aliens speak in binary code for some reason. and fyi, that spells "NRTNeRRIr". if you don't know what that means, then you're seriously out of the loop, and there's no WAY i can tell you now. binary alien is my fourth language, right under engrish, esplanola & that one where you talk with your hands.

i also used to wonder why everyone didn't speak english because it was SOOOO easy. i realize now, i was worng.


(for those of you who don't get my jokes, that was one of them - you all now i nevur missspell anythig)


Currently listening : Hypnotize

By System of a Down

Release date: By 22 November, 2005

to all my loyal readers...

Originally posted Monday, August 14, 2006


to all my loyal readers...

Current mood: blank


...this prob has NOTHING to do with you guys, but just in case...i'm going to eventually try to WORK on my page, so it doesn't look so boring, because i hate boring things. it's going to look super-crappy while i screw it up with all this gay html, so i'm really sorry. like my lil online kitty is all cut in half, so you can't see him, and i like him. aaaaand, that's all i was gonna say, i think.


well, and my grammy is in the hospital, her left leg infected with "cellulitis," the most broad, general and stupidest disease known to mankind. not that SHE is stupid, but the infection is stupid. so the conversation with the doctor went like this:


"cellulitis, huh? well, where did it come from?"


"could have come from anything."


"ok, well, can we prevent it in the future?"


"no, it just happens."


"ummm-kay...so it just basically fell out of the sky and into her leg."


"well, we don't know where it came from."


i mean, should we have to pay for diseases that we don't know anything about? i say no. especially not if you're 84. and my grandmother. so, she's in the hospital, being treated for mystery meat in her leg, and i don't understand it. and frankly, i don't like things i don't understand. sometimes. but really in this case. at least it's better than the sandwich she had in her leg when dr thomas did her first knee implant (long-running inside family joke). from what i've witnessed with some docs lately, i'm pretty sure i could take a banana, draw a mustache on it, print it out a lil phD, give it a stethoscope, call it dr. nanner and dr. nanner could do a better job at rebuilding an ankle than at LEAST 15 percent of the jokers i know.


"Dr. Nanner, please report to OR 6. Paging Dr. Nanner to OR 6."



...now i want a dr. nanner action figure. i'm angry at that.


Currently reading : Brave New World

By Aldous Huxley

Release date: By 01 September, 1998

decisions

Originally posted Wednesday, August 09, 2006


decisions

Current mood: complacent


this is an addendum to the previous blog:

i've decided that i just don't care. no matter what happens, i know that i'm the only one on this earth who can truly make myself happy, so i'm sticking to my guns. if people care, they do. if they don't, the don't. i don't care either way. if i'm the last to know, then i'm the first to not give a shit.i love my family & my friends - the ones who have proven themselves to be worthy of my love and adoration. i don't care what others think. i don't really even care what they say. my life is about me & the things i want to accomplish.hey, i have a birthday coming up! i'll be 29! you know what i want? a crockpot & one of those vegetarian crockpot books. well, i want a LOT of things, but that's what's been on my wish list as of late. what else? um, an ipod video, some ps2 games, a camera, more books, some furniture, someone to fix my freaking computer (my motherboard is screwed up). i'd like to have other things like for aaron to give me all my damn pictures and stuff back & for someone to get the pics off my old hard drive, but i'd really be dreaming, then, wouldn't i??? *laughs* as long as i'm dreaming, i'd like to end suffering & attain world peace! i'd also like to go have a big birthday dinner somewhere fun like sakura with my friends & family. WOOO!!! i'm having a party in my head as we speak, and i'm the guest of honor!

oh man, i've GOT to find something to do before i keel over with excitement! i love you guys (most of you anyway!). i appreciate those of you who have stuck around. not everyone prides themselves on being friends with a flipping wackadoo who likes weird hair. ahhh, i'm just me, and if you don't like it, blow me!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

&=)

passive-aggressive

Originally posted Tuesday, August 08, 2006


passive-aggressive

Current mood: frustrated


RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

i want to scratch someone's eyes out, and it's not a good feeling. you ever have someone tell you they care about you, but sometimes it seems like they're putting one over on you? i HATE that feeling. not that i feel that way, but...just thought i'd bring that up.

i'm at work. and i'm bored. and mad. and i can be mad if i want to, so there...

this kind of stuff makes it easier to want to go into the peace corps. in fact, i think i'm going to start working on my application again soon. i gotta do something with myself instead of sitting around, waiting for someone to give a shit about me. *kicks stool in 3 second, fit-pitching rage*

heros

Originally posted Wednesday, August 02, 2006


heros

Current mood: impressed


I just wanted everyone to know that I have to prop my friend Laura's boyfriend, Lance, and his friend, Luke, because they saved a drowning baby the other day. I took the following off her blog (haha, I hope that's ok, girl!), so you could read what I read. this is pretty frickin' awesome, and if we had more episodes like this, I think the world wouldn't seem like such shit. Thank you, Luke & Lance - you rawk beyond all comprehension!!!!!!!! *hugs*

"Yesterday my boyfriend turned into Superman in my eyes- He and his friend Luke were going into his apartment and noticed a baby bottle on the sidewalk, and then heard the weak, gurgley cries of baby. I know he can't really fly, but I am sure God helped move him and Luke fast enough to get to the pool located across the parking lot to find a child (approx. 1 year old) in the pool. The child was on it's back, floating, flailing and crying in the deep end of the pool. He ran and jumped in and lifted the child out to Luke. During the whole time the baby was crying(weakly at first)- so he didn't have any major damage, and he turned out to be ok. Lukily for the child, he was face up in the water. Lance said his little mouth and nose were about the only thing out of the water. The fire dept, EMS and police came and checked it all out and took the baby to the hospital- but Lance said by the time they left the baby was smiling. I am so proud of the two of them and their quick thinking. They don't really know how it happened- but the baby is ok and that is the main thing. The only casualty was Lance's cell phone, work pager and his wallet- total submersion in pool H20 did them in. That is fine by me if it means the life of a child."

confusion, unabated...

Originally posted on Tuesday, August 01, 2006


confusion, unabated...

Current mood: contemplative


i just want everyone know that i attended the baddest concert in the history of my life. aside from soad, family values 06 was awesome. we didn't make it in time to see all the bands, but we did see stone sour, deftones & korn. and my friends, we were in....."THE PIT". for those of you who don't know, i don't even think i can explain the thrill of it all. for those of you who THINK you know, i'm pretty sure you don't. being mere FEET away from jonathan davis & chino moreno - woah, i'm getting dizzy just reflecting back to my excitement.i do want to write more, but i'm at work right now, so i must be brief. aside from that, i'm experiencing some confusing thoughts. i can't really go into great depth, but my heart and my mind just don't match up sometimes. it's like they're on two different wavelengths. actually, it seems like my heart just throws itself out on the line, while my mind tries so hard to hold back and protect it. my mind is my heart's protector. but my heart is like me - stubborn. it just won't listen.

i'm so confused. my heart is so full, it fills like bursting, while my mind is still trying to form thoughts into words. words that make sense, anyway. right now, it's like "cheeseburger - form letter into the far back! green beans and contrast make bananas and break them. who does the exemplary phobia known to none," and then a bunch of squiggles & colors.

see? no sense, whatsoever.

*sigh*

are you a butterfly?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


are you a butterfly?

Current mood: exhausted


do i believe that people can change? absolutely. beyond a shadow of a doubt. i've seen it, and i've lived it. i actually had someone ask me the other day if i was an angel, and all i could do was laugh. i'm pretty sure i'll be washing dishes in heaven for a short eternity before i ever acquire any wings.

and you know what else? i can land a fucking mean right hook, in case anyone was thinking of crossing that line.

i'm working a double tonight, all the way into tomorrow (until 330p), plus i went to a show at workplay right before i came here (sons of william & alternate routes - both very good) - it's 11:23p, i'm going on about 3 hrs sleep, and i'm already about to fall out. i have to have my bone scan tomorrow, try to make it as far as i can through work, go do all my paperwork at trinity, then i'm going home to crash like a dead person. so, don't call me...because i'll be dead...and i probably won't remember how to answer the phone...just leave a message at the sound of nothing.

sleep well, loves. it's going to be a rough next few weeks for those of us who struggle. hope all is well with everyone else - i pray for you guys all the time.

Currently listening : Good & Reckless & True

By Alternate Routes

Release date: By 05 July, 2005

random nothing thoughts...

Originally posted Sunday, July 16, 2006


random nothing thoughts...

Current mood: lonely


yeah, it's just not that interesting to me anymore. it comes and goes. it grows and fades. eventually, i'm guessing it will just die. hoping?...i don't know. guessing?...probably.


i might be getting a dog, but i'm not certain.


and my weekend? weird...good, but certainly weird. really looking forward to my second job. i'm going to be working so much, i'll probably forget how to sleep. orientation is next week, and personally, i'm stoked. what i mean is > second job + stoked = no life. it's a pretty easy equation to come derive. there's no x's or y's or shit to solve for.


tomorrow will be a ponytail day. for those of you wondering, this means that i'm going to probably be 5 min behind all day long.


i'm so damn tired, but i have SO much on my mind. i'm about to watch the hey-eck out of some aqua teen. i wish i was cool, but i'm not. i'm about as square as i can be without being someone's mother. oh, but the concert is two weeks from today - one of the only things to which i'm looking forward...until my ship comes in...or plane...whichever hits first.


best wishes to all my readers. i don't know who you are who have given my blog 300+ hits, but it means a lot to know someone kindly reads and might be mildly entertained by the foul shit spat forth by my brain at the strangest times. my life isn't a lot, but it's mine and i appreciate it. strange things happen. i'd have to say, aside from some major mistakes, my life has been pretty bitchin'. if i can just keep the straight and menicingly narrow, i think it's all going to work out...i just don't know how yet. this (my life) is one book i think i'd read the last page first - i'm always curious on how it will end...


Currently reading : I Know This Much Is True (Oprah's Book Club)

By Wally Lamb

Release date: By 06 April, 1999

sometimes, i'm glad you never understood me...

Originally posted Wednesday, July 12, 2006


sometimes, i'm glad you never understood me...

Current mood: grateful


"And maybe for the first time in the last few months, I acknowledged something properly, something I knew had been hiding right down in my guts, or at the back of my head - somewhere I could ignore it anyway. And what I owned up to was this: I had wanted to kill myself, not because I hated living, but because I loved it. And the truth of the matter is, I think, that a lot of people who think about killing themselves feel the same way...They love life, but it's all fucked up for them,...We were up on the roof because we couldn't find a way back into life, and being shut out of it like that...It just fucking destroys you, man. So it's like an act of despair, not an act of nihilism. It's a mercy killing, not a murder. I don't know why it suddenly got to me...because sometimes it's moments like that, real complicated moments, absorbing moments, that make you realize that even hard times have things in them that make you feel alive..."

p.299

for the first time, it seems, my sorrow is starting to make sense...all because of a book. this is to no one in particular. it's for me, and it's all because i never knew how to say it.


Currently reading : A Long Way Down

By Nick Hornby

Release date: By 02 May, 2006

working on holidays BLOWS

Originally posted Tuesday, July 04, 2006

working on holidays BLOWS
Current mood: pleased

I just wrote the most awesome thing I've written in a long time (it was actually a letter that will never be sent). It was so good that even I went back and read it and laughed out loud at some parts. Damn, I'm a pretty good writer sometimes.
Sometimes...when I'm inspired. I wonder what my muse is. Maybe it was the fact that I wrote the whole thing while that stupid Oreo cookie song was stuck in my head. I don't know why - it was just there, and my brain just insisted upon singing it over and over...

Well, there was this one time that I couldn't go to sleep because I had the Golden Girls' theme song stuck in my head. I know I laid there all night, tossing and turning, closing my eyes really tightly..."Thank you for being a frieeeend...." I woke up the next morning, exhausted. I like when that kind of weird stuff happens to me. It makes me more aware that I'm never going to be normal...wait, maybe I meant to say boring, but I'm not sure.

Like, the other day, I was about to hit some type of wooden ladder in the middle of 65 S, so I slammed on my brakes and almost hit the concrete divider wall thing. I hit the ladder anyway, and it splintered into a million pieces, and I heard this screech and loud bang behind me. My first thought was, "OMG, somebody hit me!," but I didn't FEEL anything, so why did I think that? It's the radiation...Anyway, so I look up, and the car behind the car behind me pulls out from behind that guy and just drives away! I was shocked, so I pulled off the interstate and jumped out of the car to find something to throw at the car driving away. Of course, it's the interstate, so it's not like there are any baseballs or good rocks to throw, so I ran back to the other guy's car to make sure he was ok. He was ok, and people were flying all over the road and nearly killing each other to avoid the pieces of the ladder, so I ran back and held up traffic while I dragged all the pieces off to the side of the road. I was in workout clothes, cursing and throwing sticks - I know people thought I had escaped from Bryce. Heather got really mad when I told her and made me promise that I'd never run into the interstate again - but, hey, I didn't want anyone else to get hurt or hit us while we were out there. So, run directly INto the oncoming traffic - whatever.

I waited with him until the cops got there, so I could give my animated rendition of what happened (which always happens - even in church). We were sitting on the concrete dividers beforehand, and people were driving by and honking. For the life of me, I wish I would have had a picnic basket, blanket and some candles, so I could have made the moment more intimate - what the crap did people think we were DOING on the side of the interstate??!?! Yes, I always take my friends to the interstate - I enjoy "EXTREME DATING"!!! People are so freaking retarded. I even called the 911 dispatcher BACK and told him that people were honking at us, should we move our cars and he told me no, to stop calling. Ok, he didn't tell me to stop calling, but he did tell me to stay where we were, because the interstate is like a womb of security and people driving 2 ton vehicles would never DREAM of driving out of control at 90mph and hitting other human beings walking around outside of their vehicles in a stupor in 430p traffic. Um, he didn't say that last part either, but you get me.

So, that was weird. Normalcy is for wimps, though. This, coming from a girl whose idea of a good day is one that doesn't end in tearing through the front door, cursing and/or in tears, with her drivers' side mirror in one hand and missing a shoe. But, whatever. Yeah, that's what I said - whatever...

Screw this - I'm going outside to watch fireworks.
Happy 4th! &=)

APPENDAGE:
So, I went outside to watch, and while I was sitting there, a roach came out of the bushes and wanted to tangle. I wasn't looking for trouble, so I got up to move, and when I got up, I hit my head on the "No Parking" sign and fell off the curb and almost killed myself - when I say "almost killed myself," I mean twisted my ankle and looked like a goob in front of about 1500 people. And, THEN I proceeded to cry at the end of the fireworks - hey, I've got a soft heart but a hard head - it all works out for the best. I'd also like to add that I'm afraid of spiders, birds, balloons & canned biscuits - thanks for reading.

letting go

Originally posted Saturday, July 01, 2006

letting go
Current mood: melancholy

how does it make you feel?

(I am feeling very warm right now
Please don't disappear
I am spacing out with you
You are the most beautiful entity
That I have ever dreamed of)

(At night I will protect you with your dreams
I will be your angel
You worry so much about us having
Enough time together
It makes no difference to me
I would be happy with just
One minute in your arms
Let's have an extended play together
You're telling me that we live
Too far to love each other
But our love can stretch farther
Than the eye can see
So how does this make you feel?)

How does it make you feel?

(Do you know that when you look at me
It is a salvation
I've been waiting for you for so long
I can drive on that road forever
I wish you exist to live on my planet
Well...it's very hard for me to say
These things in your presence
So how does this make you feel?)

How does it make you feel?
(So how does this make you feel?)

Well...I really think you should quit smoking!

***I love that song...and I'll never forget you, no matter where I am in life. You'll probably never read this. So many beautiful, heart-felt things have been written about you and for you, time and time again, and will continue to be written for you, but you'll never read any of it. Regardless, you will have always been the best thing that ever happened in my life. I've always loved you, and I always will. One day, I'll be ok - eventually. Thank you for your time and love. Thank you for all that you gave.***

Currently listening : 10,000 Hz Legend
By Air Release date: By 29 May, 2001

i farted

Originally posted Friday, June 30, 2006


i farted

Current mood: determined


you know, i'm ok with being alone. i thought it was going to be much worse than this, but i'm actually ok. i watch a lot of tv and lay around a lot more, but i guess that just means i need to get off my fat ass and use my gym membership. i was a little sad at first, which came unexpectedly, but not about that - it was about something totally different, yet partially related. it's weird and complicated (exactly like me). but i'm ok right now. just trying to get back on my feet monetarily, which is ALWAYS hard for me. you'd think i was this huge spender with all this crap to show for it - but i'm not. i have all the same stuff with which i started out. i'm just lonely, but i expect i'll need this time.


i'm feeling a lot better, too. i got to spend time with my family, which was sweet. i love my family. we've been through a lot together, and i know it's not over, yet. i've often thought of just dropping everything and moving to italy (don't ask me why there), but i just don't want to leave my family behind. it's not that i CAN'T, it's because i don't want to. i know now that i'm capable of doing anything and going anywhere. i just love my family so much and want to continue to be around while the kids grow up. i mean, you see my current primary photo is me and braxton.


but as much as i've continually screwed up, they continue to unconditionally love me. i wouldn't trade my family of screwed up knuckleheads for all the world. not even for a month of free rent, which would be nice right about now. i know i'm still destined for something, aside from just rotting here in this apartment, but i'm taking it one day at a time. like they say, lots of days do attack me at once sometimes. i have to get my motivation back up, though, and it's hard to do when you don't have a "significant other". i'll manage, though - i always do...


Currently watching : Family Guy, Vol. 3

Release date: By 29 November, 2005

freedom...FREEDOM

Originally posted Tuesday, June 27, 2006

freedom...FREEDOM

Current mood: hopeful


i'm feeling much better - MUCH better. i still don't have my voice back (which i know some of you would count as a blessing, so up yours), but FREEDOM IS SWEET. i'm not sure if i was meant to be alone, like forever, but right now is good enough. and it's nice. shelby's even staying with me tonight. i think heather might even stay with me sometime, which will be fun. we need a sleepover. that would be like medicine for me, to have some fun, just me and my best friend. i feel like i've been caged up like veal, which is weird. i just need to grow and expand - now, literally speaking, it needs to be quite the opposite - but i'll be starting the gym back soon enough. i know this may all seem cruel, but it was in my best interest, and that's good for me. it will be even better in the long run.


right now, i feel better. it's just going to take some getting used to. and i have plenty of places to go, if i can't hack it. i've already had plenty of love doled out to me (i'm such a friggin' weenie). i'm thankful for what i do have, and i know there's more to come. i'm ready for better. i'm ready for normal. i'm ready for GOOD. damn, i'm ready for something good.

*hark* *hark*

Originally posted Tuesday, June 20, 2006


*hark* *hark*

Current mood: drained


my coughing makes me sound like a seal...that's all. i'm 'bout to lose my voice. but you know what? aside from this little setback, things are coming together quite nicely.


&=)


Currently watching : Lost - The Complete Second Season

Release date: By 05 September, 2006

sick girl

Originally posted Monday, June 19, 2006

sick girl
Current mood: sick

i had to go to the er at 3a morning, because my throat closed up on me. dr mcminn did several tests, but said it was just a virus that had to run its course. they gave me a decadron shot, and i'm taking that over-the-counter tylenol sore throat stuff, but i still feel REALLY gross. i had to call in to work today, and while i slept, my fever kept going up and down, so i'm all sweaty and gritty-feeling. blech.

you know, i don't get sick like i used to, but when i do, crap, it hits me like a ton of bricks. i just hope shelb doesn't get sick, since we were all over each other, sleeping in the bed this weekend. i'm just exhausted - i feel like i've been hit by a bus. i hope this goes away soon, cause i really don't want to have a family photo made with a giant red clown nose. perpetual sneezes suck...

Currently watching : Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Volume Two
Release date: By 20 July, 2004

vacations are upon us all

Originally posted Sunday, June 18, 2006


vacations are upon us all

Current mood: sore


i get to take vacation week after next - SO sweet. my whole ENTIRE family is coming into town, and we're going to do fun things, possibly go to the lakehouse, have a family portrait made, and just be us, which is better than anything i could ever ask for. well, almost...


then the following month, i'm going with heather down to st simon's island for a week, to explore, see her family and see where she grew up. i'm so freaking excited i could wet myself. the last time i saw the beach was the radiology conference about 5 years ago, and i was miserable, but it was for all different reasons.


i'm so glad i get a break...or two. hell, i'm not shy - i deserve this. i've had a hella-year, and i'm ready for the winds to change. i've got a lot coming up, and i'm trying to prep myself for everything. i'm looking out for so much, but i'm so impatient. He just keeps telling me to "wait", and i don't know what that means. it's something, i just wish i knew what.
one day, breathing won't be so labored.


Currently watching : SpongeBob SquarePants - Sea Stories

Release date: By 05 November, 2002

almost isn't soon enough

Originally posted Wednesday, June 14, 2006

almost isn't soon enough
Current mood: content

omg, it's almost over. it's SO close, i can almost FEEL it! i'm so glad, and the very tiniest bit remorseful. but, it's almost over.
almost.

Currently reading : The End of Oil : On the Edge of a Perilous New World
By Paul Roberts
Release date: By 05 April, 2005

a weird thing happened at work today...

Originally posted Tuesday, June 13, 2006

a weird thing happened at work today...
Current mood: bored

my knee has been absolutely killing me for the past 2 or 3 weeks, but i haven't mentioned anything, thinking i'm being my normal hypochondriacal self - no big deal. today, though, i couldn't stand it anymore, so i told one of my coworkers to xray my knee, just so i could confirm that there was nothing there.

i'll be damned if my kneecap isn't broke slap in two.

i have no idea when and where this might have happened. possibly from all the genuflections i've performed in the past - they just don't make knees like they used to.

what next? i don't know. i asked one of the awesome surgeons downstairs (i hesistate to name someone who might not want to be named), and he directed me into doing externally rotated straight-leg raises (50, as many times a day as i can stand, to be precise), gave me some anti-inflammatory meds, and said if it doesn't improve, surgery would be the next option.

*^* woah *^* surgery. i guess as much as i beat myself up and claim to have brain tumors and the like, i don't think i ever saw myself as the "having-surgery" type. it just sorta creeped me out a tiny bit. plus, there's no way in crapshoots i'd ever have surgery at my hospital, but that's ONLY because i know everyone so well there. i don't want them hauling me over on the table while i'm under and saying, "damn...but she just LOOKS so LITTLE!" i've been in the OR. my daily life revolves around it. i know what people say. i'm usually the one saying it.

anyway, i thought the whole broke knee thing was pretty weird, considering i can take a hella-beating and come out only covered in slight bruises. who am i kidding? i bruise when the wind changes. so, these days, i'm a gimp with a limp. no more "tour de stat" for now. which really sucks, because i just got my membership at the new uab gym. well, i can still do upper body and look like a misshapen freak when i'm done.

ok, simpsons are coming on, and i need to make foodstuffs for my belly. hope all is well out there in the world, to whomever, wherever...

Currently reading : Marley & Me : Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog
By John Grogan
Release date: By 18 October, 2005

hollow world

Originally posted Thursday, June 08, 2006


hollow world

Current mood: creative


"We make of the hollow world a fuller, messier, prettier place, but all our inventions can't create the one thing we require: to deserve any fond attention we might accidentally receive, to receive any fond attention we don't in the course of things deserve. We are never enough to ourselves because we can never be enough to another. Any one of us walks into any room and reminds its occupant that we are not the one they most want to see. We are never the one. We are never enough."
-p.187
Mirror, Mirror
Gregory Maguire


Currently reading : Mirror Mirror : A Novel

By Gregory Maguire

Release date: By 28 September, 2004

the undiscovered thing...

Originall posted Wednesday, June 07, 2006


the undiscovered thing...

Current mood: listless


so, i got robbed - second time, you know. then, my grandmother tore her rotator cuff - how? we don't know. now, my aunt has a lump in her breast, AGAIN, that is being tested - second time for her, too. my uncle larry and heather's grandmother-in-law both had strokes about a week apart from each other. you know, in this family, when it rains, it pours.


at the same time, i can't stop thinking about how lucky i am. i have the greatest family, and my friends are awesome. my family and i are going to the perch in a couple of weeks, and i'll still be without a camera, which will all but kill me.


which segues absolutely seamlessly and nonsensically into my next subject...


i'm still convinced that i see things differently from other people, especially through the camera's eye - that moment, frozen in time. not that my way is better - it's just different. i'm different. i always have been.

i have these lurches in my heart, when my heart remembers something that i think i've forgotten. i got really scared today, when i was coming home from target, because i had to drive that road that i haven't driven in a long time. it was harder than i thought it would be. it's so much easier to disconnect yourself from the world and go on like the past never existed (aside from taking the lessons with you everywhere you go).
i think about the things that i write, and although they're usually personal and private to me (i NEVER let anyone read what i write), i share these few thoughts with you, my myspace friends and readers, and decide that, if you read this, and it sounds like, "blah, blah, yakity-blah," then you might want to stop reading. i don't care if you don't get it, and i certainly don't care if you don't like it. i'm always so self-conscious about what i do, and i don't know why. i guess living in the constant shadow of guilt has marred me. like i said, though, i've let that all go. it's not me - never was, never will be.


i wish that perfection was something for which i could strive, but every day, i'm fighting just to keep my head above water. i've been accepted by 99 percent of my work peers (yeah, me and that one bitch don't talk). my family and my friends have forgiven my transgressions and continue to let me be myself - whoever that may be for the day. God is mostly in control in my life. and although life is a seeming paradise compared to most, i still feel as though i lack something.


what is it? is it big or small? is it important or trivial? is it here or there? is it an undiscovered talent? do i carry it with me already, without knowing it?


is it anything at all?


Currently reading : State of Fear

By Michael Crichton

Release date: By 25 October, 2005

random nothingness

Originally posted Wednesday, May 31, 2006


random nothingness


to whomever reads my stuff...thanks.


i know i don't really have a lot of interesting stuff to say. sometimes my muse graces me with its presence, and i'm struck with what seem like completely poignant and valid thoughts at the time. other times, i just like to type to see how fast i can ramp this shit out of my head.


something that i heard on tv tonight (which embarrasses me to say i watch tv) - on this commercial, this guy said, "if your wildest dreams were granted, would i be in them?" i thought that was very thought-provoking. who would be in your wildest, truest dreams, had you everything you wanted?


sometimes i think i know, then sometimes i think i'm wasting my grey matter. only God knows, and i trust Him to lead me to wherever i'm going. it's times like this that i feel sort of drifting out into infinity, because nothing's happening. i don't feel my purpose. other times i don't really care, just as long as my body is still working like it's supposed to.


but ultimately, in the very end, what are you looking for?


Currently listening : No One Is Really Beautiful

By Jude

Release date: By 22 September, 1998

my memorable memorial weekend

Originally posted Tuesday, May 30, 2006


my memorable memorial weekend

Current mood: apathetic


so this weekend, instead of going to spend the weekend with my family, i stayed at home to worry about people breaking into my house. i'm all out of money, so i drank spoiled milk and ate canned pineapple...then i threw up. but i only threw up the pineapple and milk, so it's not like i lost a lot. i would have eaten cat turds like jezzabelle does, but i'm not all too sure of the ramifications of eating cat turds on a human being. jezzabelle's never gotten sick, but i guess the whole licking her own butthole could be the antidote for the cat turds. i know i always say i have my head up my own ass, but it's because i'm exaggerating for dramatic intent. i really don't know, because i can't get my head down there. i'm at work right now, and i have a feeling someone is reading over my shoulder, so i'm going to have a lot of explaining to do. somehow, this always happens to me...


Currently reading : Fast Food Nation

By Eric Schlosser

Release date: By 05 July, 2005

new song

Originally posted Monday, May 29, 2006

new song
Current mood: weird

ok, so i'm redoing my song. music hits me hard, for those of you who really don't get me. every time i hear that "good morning, son," it makes me want to run around the room, shrieking. uh, it's just depressing. it makes me think about all the crap i've been through, and the fact that all my friends are having babies, and they're all going to have to go through the same crap.

btw, j'adore the song - just can't listen to it right now. i haven't hit my wave, yet...not that the one i have posted now is a rave tune...hell, whatever. just stop reading, so i'll stop feeling stupid.

Currently listening : You'd Prefer an Astronaut By HUM
Release date: By 11 April, 1995

grrrr....

Originally posted Sunday, May 28, 2006


grrrr....

Current mood: confused


you know, if people would just do what i tell them to, i'd be so much happier. in control. i like being in control. well, to an extent. happiness is what i'm striving for. actually, sleep would be good, too.


i'm going to the gym in the morning, to work off some of my anxiety. for some reason, my brain isn't clearing like i want it to. it won't. why? why does the same shit keep cycling through? it's not like things will change. well, some things will, because i'll force them...with my iron fist.


it's just not fast enough - i've never been patient, though. i like to take care of myself. but there are other things that need to be taken care of. *sigh* so many thoughts, and so very, very little i can say...about so many things. i wish it was all about honesty, but it's not...not anymore.


i've learned so much in these past few years, things that will both haunt me and help me for the rest of my life. i wish i could just take my brain out, upload it onto a screen, and teach everyone everything i know. i mean, it's not a lot, but it's just about life experiences. about lying, cheating, deception; about giving, forgiving and learning all over again. learning never stops. neither does living. just when you think you know everything, someone comes and jerks the rug out from under you, and you're thinking, "hell, i didn't even know i was standing on a rug."


i wish i could share. i wish i could give more. i wish i could love more. i wish i was better. i wish my life was perfect. no, i just wish for happiness, in whatever form it chooses to present itself. i love to be happy. genuine happiness - gone for so long, i don't even know if i remember what it feels like.


no, i do. when heather and i were sitting out on the steps the other night, and sophie was blowing her whistle and doing her crazy dance, we were both laughing, and i heard her laugh harder than i think i've heard her laugh in a long time. it brought tears to my eyes, but i didn't tell her. that was happiness. lil things that crop up here and there. they're so brief and fleeting, but they happen.


i'm still a work in progress. i give, but not enough. i work, but not hard enough. i pray, but not long enough. i play, but it gives me little pleasure. i'm contemplative every day of my life, and for that i'm thankful. for many things, the things that i do have left, i'm so grateful.


still i can't help but dwelling on the things that i lack; physically & emotionally.


one day, i'd like to paint.


or act.


those are two...

erica, shelby, goose & braxton

Originally posted Sunday, May 28, 2006

erica, shelby, goose & braxton
Current mood: hopeful

to my kids:
the song i have on my bio as of this post is dedicated to my (aunt's) kids, although i know they might not understand it right now. i love you guys more than you could ever comprehend, but i hope you know i do. here are the lyrics to further confuse the issue:

we're still fighting -
by ben folds
good morning son
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt
you want a coke?
maybe some fries?
the roast beef combo's only nine ninety five
but it's okay
you don't have to pay
i've got all the change

everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
but everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and
we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me
i'm sorry

good morning son
twenty years from now
maybe we'll both sit down
and have a few beers
and i can tell
you about today
and how i picked you up
and everything changed
it was pain
sunny days and rain
i knew you'd feel the same things

everybody knows
it sucks to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on
and we're still fighting it

you'll try and try
and one day
you'll fly away from me

it was pain
sunny days and rain
i knew you'd feel the same things

everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and
we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me
i'm sorry

Currently listening :Rockin' the Suburbs By Ben Folds
Release date: By 11 September, 2001

sup ya'll

Originally posted Saturday, May 27, 2006


sup ya'll

Current mood: distressed


hello, people. my baby cousin's new baby is here! micah phinehas, i think is how you spell it. i love phinehas - i think that name is the shit, although i might still spell it finneaus or phinneus or something like that. i just know how teachers are these days..."michael fine has?" ah, he'll get used to it.
anyway, he was 8lb4oz, i think, and some 21 in - already a recordbreaker, he was the longest baby the doctor had ever delivered! he's VERY beautiful, though. he has a mohawk of black hair, and the most perfect lil face on a baby. i'm SO glad he's not ugly - i hurt when people have ugly babies..."oh, he must have a WONDERFUL personality!"
so i went to see them this morning, went by the library, came home, took a nap, and now i'm up. pretty schweet for a saturday. although i am a tad stressed out for reasons unable to mention. i'm just a lil tired of things not going the way i'm TRYING TO FORCE THEM. oh well, apparently it will all come together. i'm still stressed as shit, though.
i have monday off (unpaid, thanks to "the system"), and i have no idea what's going on with the rest of my life, since my day planner was stolen. i'm handling this surprisingly well, considering this IS the second time this has happened. cam gone, phone gone, datebook gone, work badges & markers gone, wallet & within gone, books gone, so many other things that i can't even account for.
*sigh* like i said at work, i wish that there was some kind of fingerprint thing on your card, so that if someone stole it and tried to use it and it wasn't you, then LASERS WOULD COME OUT AND SHOOT THE MOTHER-FUCKER WHO WAS TRYING TO FUCK YOU OVER. or put lasers on your car, for when people are trying to get in a car that isn't theirs. that's all i'm saying, is give lasers a chance.
i hate people who steal...have i ever mentioned that? yeah, i know i have. liars, cheaters and stealers.
ok, i'm going to do some work of some kind. good thoughts abound for you all. have wonderful, SAFE weekends, and i hope to talk to you all soon!

tired of getting robbed

Originally posted Thursday, May 25, 2006


tired of getting robbed

Current mood: stressed


i'm just tired of getting robbed...and that's all i'll say about that. goodnight, loves. i'll see you all in the morning.

early morning ramblings

Originally posted Monday, May 22, 2006


early morning ramblings

Current mood: exhausted


woah, it's 4:37a, and i can't sleep. i just went through and sorted all my emails that need to be printed. i'm so weird like that, i think. i'm about to go back to bed, because i know work will be hell tomorrow. b's graduation is tomorrow (i can't believe he'll be in first grade next year), then i have that art show with paula on tuesday.
i hate having things to do during the week, because it makes me feel tired already. i got a whole lot done this past week, like cleaning up my apartment. i made a list of all the really important things i have to do this week, but i'm sure i'll accidentally eat the list or something. i hate when stuff like that happens. and i hate the fact that i feel like i've lost my eloquence. my writings read like i'm in the third grade.
ummkay, i'm going to see if i can go back to sleep. i can already tell today is gonna be bad, just from me getting up early - that's not usually a good sign. well, i say that now, but then again, "work-bitch" won't be there ALL week this week. so this will be a peaceful week. and my family is coming into town in a couple of weeks, so i get to take a week off and go to the perch, which will be awesome. ahhhh, vacation.....i don't even remember what that is!
i wonder if i'll have time to go to the gym tomorrow. psh, i don't know what i'm talking about - this is ME going to the gym. i'll get winded just finding a parking space and walking to the door. i could even time myself - max time there, 15 min. maybe i'll just take clothes and change when i get to amy's. oh sh*%, i don't have money for gas. cripes, i hate paying bills. oh well, i'll scavange something. i could go give blood plasma during lunch (blech - plasma and lunch; lunch plasma - blech).
ok, i'm going...now...to bed...to lay my head down and go to sleep...like this & ). i don't know if i actually smile when i sleep - maybe sometimes. but i don't see anything on the keyboard that resembles drool.
kk, night all.

long roads never cease

Originally posted Monday, May 15, 2006

long roads never cease
Current mood: accomplished

hi. i'm actually at work right now. i'm getting paid to blog. that's great. this job is great. oh, and i get paid to read, take dumps and literally stare into space. let's just say, we've been really slow. i love that new pic of me and b - we went to "gobs of fun", his kindergarten field trip, and we had such a good time!you know what? i'm kind of over the things that happened at work. i feel ok, which is good, since stuff was really starting to "chap my ass," so to speak. i was really concerned, because i wasn't able to let things go, and i've been SO GOOD about that lately! it was really getting on my nerves. but i've prayed about it, and it just fell off my shoulders, which is SO what i needed right now.i was also able to get rid of some of my writings, which has freed my brain up even more. every time i watched one more of them go into the shredder was like telling myself that i forgive myself each time. that's been a big thing that's been holding me back. not anymore, though. i'm totally in control. it feels good to be in control.no...it feels GREAT to be in control. still have some things to get sorted out (*sigh*), but for the most part, life is pretty shweet. i love my family, they love me, we've forgiven each other for a lot of our shortcomings, and we're always in the process of healing. we still have a lot to look forward to (baby micah, soon to be here!), and i hope we can continue to remain tight. i kinda came clean with the whole "i can never be my mom" feelings that have been troubling me, and i'm a little more confident every day that my family believes in me, something that's all too terribly important to me.anywheres, i'm gonna go. i've got a busy week ahead of me, and i'm somewhat looking forward to it...i say somewhat, because it still makes me tired to think about it. hell, rome wasn't built in a day. carpe diem and all that crap.(jeez, is it horrible thing that her voice STILL makes me want to scratch my eyes out and throw them at whoever might be standing nearby? grrr....oh, well - time to change rooms, right? just get away......)

dead car - no biggie

Originally posted Thursday, April 27, 2006

dead car - no biggie
Current mood: sleepy

it's sleepytime for bed now, but i just drove home from the pc, and if you canNOT believe it, i threw that bitch in reverse to back into a parking space, and my hooker car starting shaking and shimmying and then DIED right in the lot. i was cursing more than i've cursed in a long time, because i had to get out and PUSH!!!! i don't push that hard for a bm, so that was a f-up, totally.
and i totally drove home, screaming slipknot at the top of my lungs, and it was awesome, so what a screw to end the night like this. i have NO idear how i'll be inserting myself into the building for work tomorrow. shithead, i may have to pay my bff to take me, which will make me feel all bad and stuff. fart and nutcheese.
i'm totally habout to fall out right now, so i'm just typing what comes in from the air to my brain, then trickles down and leaks out through my fingertips. it's kinda cool like that. holy crizzle, booboo is getting into something that's crunchy - i can hear her from in here.
oh, yo, i totally just got done reading "confessions of an ugly stepsister" and it was AWESOME. very fairy tale goes bad, and i adore that. man, i have SO much stuff to read, which is good, but i wish my brain had high osmolality, so the books would just suck to my head as i walked by. then, they'd call me "bookhead" at work, and i'm not really sure how i'd take to that.
woah, it's been some time since i've been tipsy on delirium, so this will be interesting to read tomorrow. oh crapsy, i have to go drop my stuff off at the gym tomorrow. man, let's build this syke new facility and give it NO PARKING. god, i hate HATE uab. i mean the hate that i think everyone who works there and goes there is RETARDED.
we had this uber-crazy lady come in today, who always comes in with these weird stories (as in, she's like, really psycho), and we had to take an i-rod out of her humerus. so they had her under and everyone was talking about what a spazz she is, so i butted in (as usual) and said, "so, you want me to run upstairs and get her a highlands application or what?" they died laughing like it was funny, but i totally think she could work in the cafeteria or as a NURSE or something. hell, we're all crazy to still be there. but you know something? i wouldn't trade that stupid job for anything in the world. we're so crabby and bitchy at work sometimes, but i'm so lucky to have a jorb.
woah, don't wanna get all emo and stuff, so i butter go. hmm...think i'll watch me some family guy aforst bed. oh...crap...i think tomorrow's friday. woah, busy day - hope my car works, or i gotta ride a bus or pay a stranger. yikes. i don't care for strangers. but i do get my phone tomorrow, so i'm lil of happy about that. hell, i'd trade the phone for the car to work, so who'm i kidding?
kk, good days to all. God loves you, and He works miracles - i'm seeing it every day, when i never thought i would. no one's perfect, we're all just a bunch of dumb unsuspecting fucks wandering around, running into each other, being mean to each other - all i can care for is myself, and let God take care of the rest. say a prayer today, for anything or anyone. let God wholly take over one thing in your life, and just watch. it's like....MAGIC.

Currently reading : Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister : A Novel By Gregory Maguire Release date: By 01 October, 2000

what i'm doing RIGHT FREAKING NOW

Originally posted Monday, April 17, 2006

what i'm doing RIGHT FREAKING NOW
Current mood: indescribable

do you ever have that sucking feeling in your chest, like something is wrong, that things will never be right again? apparently i seem to be having a bad day, which was prompted by nothing. or maybe i'm just psychic. or maybe it's just gas.
i had a pretty decent day today, only 3 cases. still have to work with this lady at work, who i swear is bipolar. i think that's the new "thing" to have. i hear they're giving it half price with the purchase of an ipod video.
oh, and i'm all caught up on the first season of "lost". i became a shut-in this weekend and watched it. it was totally awesome, and i was totally jumping on the bed in suspense. it's like extreme gilligan's island - only this time maryann is pregnant, gilligan is a heroin addict, skipper has a degree in medicine and is hooking up with ginger, who is an escaped con, the professor could be mistaken for a terrorist, and the howells are about 50 years younger. i love that show.
i'm still in the middle of "fast food nation", but i went out and bought my own copy, instead of drawing in a loaner copy. i enjoy underlining in paperback books about as much as i enjoy a fresh, blank sheet of paper. i also bought "the omnivore's dilemma", "confessions of an ugly stepsister", "hoot" (for goose's birthday), and a small, plain, black scrapbook to put junk and writings in.
woah, i just remembered that i still haven't finished "the chronicles of narnia" - crap. i hate when i get bogged down in reading stuff and my brain is like,
"they say aslan is on the move - perhaps has already taken out the garbage..."
what?
"and what about mr. tumnus," said lucy; "did he feed booboo after paying the bills?"
ok, breaktime.
so, sometimes i clean to relax - retarded, huh? except for dishes - i'd like to skeet shoot with those.
alright, jezzabelle just brought me a dirty sock. i think she's trying to tell me something - i can just never figure out what it is. "dirty, stinky socks taste BETTER than your dogfood?" or "i'd better start sleeping with my feet ON the bed."
who knows...

hallow all ewe peepul

**Originally posted Saturday, April 15, 2006

hallow all ewe peepull
Current mood: indifferent

woah, i have 1 friend, and it's tom, that guy who's friends with EVERYONE. that makes me frown, like this &=(. that period looks like a zit - that's good, because i just happen to have one right there, at this very moment.
so, shelb asked me to post a myspace. i used to have one, but i got rid of it, LOOONG ago. that's ok. um, i'm tryna remember how all this stuff works, so if it's crap, it's crap.
hmmm...mkay - methinks i'll go read a book or drum up something on air cable to watch. i love being at home. it's so...homey. and booboo says hi to everyone who reads this. well, she says, "meow," so read into it what you will.