the undiscovered thing...

Originall posted Wednesday, June 07, 2006

the undiscovered thing...

Current mood: listless

so, i got robbed - second time, you know. then, my grandmother tore her rotator cuff - how? we don't know. now, my aunt has a lump in her breast, AGAIN, that is being tested - second time for her, too. my uncle larry and heather's grandmother-in-law both had strokes about a week apart from each other. you know, in this family, when it rains, it pours.

at the same time, i can't stop thinking about how lucky i am. i have the greatest family, and my friends are awesome. my family and i are going to the perch in a couple of weeks, and i'll still be without a camera, which will all but kill me.

which segues absolutely seamlessly and nonsensically into my next subject...

i'm still convinced that i see things differently from other people, especially through the camera's eye - that moment, frozen in time. not that my way is better - it's just different. i'm different. i always have been.

i have these lurches in my heart, when my heart remembers something that i think i've forgotten. i got really scared today, when i was coming home from target, because i had to drive that road that i haven't driven in a long time. it was harder than i thought it would be. it's so much easier to disconnect yourself from the world and go on like the past never existed (aside from taking the lessons with you everywhere you go).
i think about the things that i write, and although they're usually personal and private to me (i NEVER let anyone read what i write), i share these few thoughts with you, my myspace friends and readers, and decide that, if you read this, and it sounds like, "blah, blah, yakity-blah," then you might want to stop reading. i don't care if you don't get it, and i certainly don't care if you don't like it. i'm always so self-conscious about what i do, and i don't know why. i guess living in the constant shadow of guilt has marred me. like i said, though, i've let that all go. it's not me - never was, never will be.

i wish that perfection was something for which i could strive, but every day, i'm fighting just to keep my head above water. i've been accepted by 99 percent of my work peers (yeah, me and that one bitch don't talk). my family and my friends have forgiven my transgressions and continue to let me be myself - whoever that may be for the day. God is mostly in control in my life. and although life is a seeming paradise compared to most, i still feel as though i lack something.

what is it? is it big or small? is it important or trivial? is it here or there? is it an undiscovered talent? do i carry it with me already, without knowing it?

is it anything at all?

Currently reading : State of Fear

By Michael Crichton

Release date: By 25 October, 2005