Originally posted Sunday, May 28, 2006
Current mood: confused
you know, if people would just do what i tell them to, i'd be so much happier. in control. i like being in control. well, to an extent. happiness is what i'm striving for. actually, sleep would be good, too.
i'm going to the gym in the morning, to work off some of my anxiety. for some reason, my brain isn't clearing like i want it to. it won't. why? why does the same shit keep cycling through? it's not like things will change. well, some things will, because i'll force them...with my iron fist.
it's just not fast enough - i've never been patient, though. i like to take care of myself. but there are other things that need to be taken care of. *sigh* so many thoughts, and so very, very little i can say...about so many things. i wish it was all about honesty, but it's not...not anymore.
i've learned so much in these past few years, things that will both haunt me and help me for the rest of my life. i wish i could just take my brain out, upload it onto a screen, and teach everyone everything i know. i mean, it's not a lot, but it's just about life experiences. about lying, cheating, deception; about giving, forgiving and learning all over again. learning never stops. neither does living. just when you think you know everything, someone comes and jerks the rug out from under you, and you're thinking, "hell, i didn't even know i was standing on a rug."
i wish i could share. i wish i could give more. i wish i could love more. i wish i was better. i wish my life was perfect. no, i just wish for happiness, in whatever form it chooses to present itself. i love to be happy. genuine happiness - gone for so long, i don't even know if i remember what it feels like.
no, i do. when heather and i were sitting out on the steps the other night, and sophie was blowing her whistle and doing her crazy dance, we were both laughing, and i heard her laugh harder than i think i've heard her laugh in a long time. it brought tears to my eyes, but i didn't tell her. that was happiness. lil things that crop up here and there. they're so brief and fleeting, but they happen.
i'm still a work in progress. i give, but not enough. i work, but not hard enough. i pray, but not long enough. i play, but it gives me little pleasure. i'm contemplative every day of my life, and for that i'm thankful. for many things, the things that i do have left, i'm so grateful.
still i can't help but dwelling on the things that i lack; physically & emotionally.
one day, i'd like to paint.
those are two...