Sarah McLachlan - Fear

Morning smiles

Like the face of a newborn child

Innocent unknowing

Winters end

Promises of a long lost friend

Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

Theres nothing Id like

Better than to fall

But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time

Rapes the flower trembling on the vine

Nothing yields to shelter it

From above

They say temptation will destroy our love

The never-ending hunger

But I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

Theres nothing Id like

Better than to fall

But I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose

I have nothing to give

We have so much to lose...

I can't even examine this song right now. Tears stream down my face, gather under my chin and soak my shirt. I know this song like I know an old friend, and, yet, it can still evoke such forceful and unconditional emotion from me. Alone, it's a powerful poem. With music, it can bring me to my knees and face-to-face with my own terrible fears. Lament and trepidation consume me right now...

Happy Place

Okay, I'm a little more calm than I was earlier.

I'm a lot more calm. And, yes, my hand hurts, now.

All it takes is just to ignore this shit. At the time, though, when I actually received the text, it just made my blood boil. But, it's all completely unsubstantiated and unfounded, so I don't know why I'm getting mad.

Yes, I do. It's because it's ME. And, although it will come across as this, I'm not trying to be pious - but it's ME. I wouldn't let anyone drag the names of any of my innocent friends through the mud, so why should I sit back and let it happen to me?

The answer is, it doesn't matter. There's no reason for drama. Cory said it right. This is one of those things, as with many other things in life, that we'll never understand. There's no point in even trying. This is between their two crazy asses, and if they want to fight about me being preggers, when obviously, I'm not, or being with this guy, when clearly, I wasn't, then, whatever. Go right ahead. Drag my fucking name through the dirt. Just leave me alone. Don't call me and tell me about it, because I don't care. Don't ask me any questions, because you already KNOW the answers. Call someone who wants to buy into this shit. I already HAVE the people who are important to me - they know me, and those people are the nucleus of my world.

I LIVE HERE, IN BIRMINGHAM. I hardly even GO to Pell City anymore, and when I do, it's STRICTLY TO SEE MY FAMILY.

It just pisses me off, because of all the shit that I put my OWN self through this past decade, and the time and effort that it's taken me to fight and climb and tear my way back to the top, all someone has to do is be stupid for one second and say one retarded thing, and it's all taken away from me.

No. No, that's not what's going to happen. These people are NOT that important in my life. In fact, they really have no bearing. I thought the one was a friend, but he's completely betrayed me from day one, and I don't deserve that sort of treatment, when I've never been anything but kind and understanding and patient and non-psychotic to him.

I don't know how in the hell I got wrapped up in this mess. I understand that lies are so much more potent and a whole hell of a lot easier to tell than the truth, but seriously, guys. It's not worth it. It REALLY isn't. This is the one area in which I have complete experience - I'll never revisit it.

If you guys just want to stay together and fight and be miserable and accuse each other of infidelity, faithlessness and a complete lack of scruples, best wishes. I have NO DESIRE to be a part of ANY. OF. IT.

Pick someone else to play the part in your covert, pregnant affair - I'd actually LIKE to have a family one day. Don't try to turn it into something sick and disgusting in front of me.

If you want drama, KEEP IT, MOTHER-FUCKERS. I've got enough shit on my plate to be worrying about YOUR fucked-up relationship.

So, Brooke, stop calling me, or we're going to have a real problem.

And, Wes, my best friend is ready to kick your ass. You need get your own shit straight. Apparently, Brooke's not the only one who has issues.

Maybe you DO deserve each other. Good luck to you - you're sure as hell going to need it.

Nutjobs DO NOT APPLY HERE

Okay, so we got a little bit more drama going on, because, I mean, why the fuck not?

I've known this guy Wes since we were in high school. He and I met through a mutual friend of mine, Larry, a good friend of mine who's about to get married (congrats, again, btw). This was ages ago - it has to have been at LEAST 13 years ago. He's a super-nice guy, but apparently, he's dating some crazy-ass named Brooke.

I reunited with Wes back in mid-May, through Larry, and he told me that his girlfriend of two years had just cheated on him, and they were going to break up. Later on, he said was going to try to work things out with her - I was nothing but encouraging. It sucks to throw two years of your life away (or any amount of invested time), especially with someone you still love. But, trust is a bitch. It's really hard to build back up once it's lost. I know ALL about that.

Ever since then, Wes will call me on and off to talk - THAT'S MOTHER-FUCKING ALL. And, ever since then, I've been subject to some serious harrassment from this asshead of a girlfriend of his. She has accused me of everything UNDER THE SUN...or so I thought.


I JUST got a text from her - JUST NOW - that says, "Did wes get u pregnant?"


Let's have a moment of silence.
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I called this fucker back, and I can't even REMEMBER what I said - I just went off. I told her that I haven't TALKED to Wes, I haven't SEEN Wes, I haven't CALLED Wes, I haven't FUCKED Wes...and obviously, it just went on from there.

I'm so mad right now, I can't even see straight. AND, I punched a wall. (It's bleeding like a bitch, but I'm so angry, it doesn't even hurt.)

Just so you know, if she contacts me again, I'm driving into town, and I'm going to KILL THIS BITCH. I am SO SICK of her shit. No wonder he wants to break up with her, but I'll tell you one fucking thing - he needs to leave me the hell out of it. This girl is a total and complete psychopath. She has bugged me TO NO END about all of this, when I'm NOT EVEN INVOLVED. I don't even TALK to Wes anymore, because she's so fucking crazy!!!!

I was excited about getting to be friends with him again, but this is ridiculous. And, of course, it's always the cheaters who feel this threatened. He told me she was supposed to be going to get help, but I'll be the first to say that it's not working. I have to admit, one of the first times I talked to her, I was a bit worried, because she said Wes had hit her.

Now, I'm wondering if they just belong together, because he told her he slept with me, just to make her feel bad for cheating on him.


WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!?!?!?????

Seriously! WHAT?

Is the truth THAT HARD TO HANDLE that you have to make up lies about people who aren't even there to defend themselves????

I've called her bluff several times, and I'm just sick of it now. This is insane. SHE'S insane. You people all need to be put away.

THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD THAT I WOULD DO IS FUCK SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND.

You can all take a fucking flying leap. Jesus, THIS is why I don't have a lot of friends. The more friends you have, the more likely it will be that some of them will be like this, then you've got all this fucking drama going on.

I can't believe how stupid people are. IN REAL LIFE.


Fuck this shit. I'm going home to hang out with my dog - he's SANE. All the rest of you nutjobs can rot in hell. I don't need this, and I sure as fuck won't put up with it.

If you have drama, don't bring it here, because you WON'T pass it off to me. I don't work like that.