12.30.2006

countdown to...

mood: coughing

i've been up for 3 solid hours, gagging my brains out. i don't know what the hell i have, but i'm sick. still. it's screwed up my entire work week, but thankfully, i had a pretty good paycheck come yesterday, so thank the beans for that.


it is currently 5:24a, and i broke down and went to bruno's to buy some NAME-BRAND cough syrup (robitussin, you sold me - but ne'er again!), so that should be doing the job...any minute now...i'm totally sick as a frog and delirious from lack of sleep thereof. jammy's sitting in my lap, staring at me, causing me to wonder, is this how i'll be ringing in the new year?


but, no. i think i'm going to hang out at heather's for the new year. not that it's anything - just another day, and i'll be going to work the very next day. oh well. not much to look forward to. or is there?


hmmm......


2006 - not so bad.


2005 - blew.


2004 - even worse.


ahhh, we won't go backwards, because there's not much good there. but there is good coming. my finances predict such. and so does jammy pie. she says everything will be just fine. i think booboo is in the bed. she also thinks everything will be fine. i have everyone out of my house, cept'n me and my girls, and although i'm still unsure of what to do when my lease is up in july, i have a kind of warm inside feeling that everything will be ok. it's prolly God. or the cough syrup. or a lil of both.


so, what else is going on? not much. just throwing myself into work, but justifiably so. still hoping for the hottie doctor? sure. who isn't? how about friends? they're still there. i'm not rushing anything.


one of my very good friends laura got engaged not too long ago, and while i'm a little irked that i'm still standing here, with my two cats, fair on the way to becoming "crazy cat lady," i revel in her happiness and celebrate her joy. it's LONG overdue.


congratulations, love - you only deserve the best!


hokay. i'm going to dig out some old spongebob and lay down with the girls. surely, the coughing must be about exhausted. if not, my head WILL explode from the pressure...or the neighbors will be in here with lit torches and pitchforks to dispel the maker of the noise.


*HACK* *wheeeeze*


maybe, i should double dose. *snerk*


Currently reading : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy By Douglas Adams Release date: By 30 April, 2002

12.26.2006

the one about the phlegm

sorry, guys. i've been really sick during the holiday, so i haven't posted anywhere, nor have i been on the computer. i was able to spend christmas eve with mark, amy & the kids, but even then, amy had the flu, and me and mark were just sick as shit. aside from being able to hang out with my family, my holiday has been shit. i'll never work another fucking holiday as long as i fucking live. this shit is retarded, and they don't even appreciate the fact that you do it.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:

BEING AN ADULT BLOWS.

i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.

blah.

12.22.2006

seal hunt

there are only 3 months left until the canadian seal hunt begins. please take a second to sign this petition., and if you have time, read some of the info on the site. to be perfectly honest, i don't know if these petitions ever do any good, but just in case there's a chance...

http://www.hsus.org/protect_seals.html

if you don't believe it's horrible and completely inhumane, please feel free to watch the accompanying video on the site. if you're not totally disgusted, then you probably aren't friends with me, and the mental institute doesn't know you've escaped.

12.21.2006

on being a vegetarian

i just read another blog about this guy's experience with being vegetarian, and while i appreciate and respect his candor, i can't say i completely agree with everything he was saying, which of course, is my right. either way, you can read for yourself, if you like:

http://www.adrian.josephlavoie.com/2006/05/12/the-fallacy-of-cruelty-free

um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.

"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."

anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."

i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"

not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:

http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.html

ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.

i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).

but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"

well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.

anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.

so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.

i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.

i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.

until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.

i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.

*sigh* sucks getting old.

so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!

sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.

as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.

12.15.2006

those aren't doritos...

heather just sent this to me:

Vegetarians are more intelligent, says study. Frequently dismissed as cranks, their fussy eating habits tend to make them unpopular with dinner party hosts and guests alike. But now it seems they may have the last laugh, with research showing vegetarians are more intelligent than their meat-eating friends.
Full Story: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23378331-details/Vegetarians+are+more+intelligent%2C+says+study/article.do

MESSAGE: See? You knew you were smarter than the rest. I would have known that too, except me ate meet. ;-)

see? this is why me & hj are bff.

i new thoz pante chips wern't that bad 4 eatng.

12.12.2006

pictures

booboo staking her claim on the elusive sleeping shelby

a retarded pic of me

me & my sweet buddy at "gobs of fun"
me & heather at the hp3 movie premiere
waiting for the movie to start!
booboo & her catch
laying on the bed, watching family guy
me, being retarded, taking pics of myself

thanks, gobbliscious!
booboo & jammy smelling thanksgiving dinner!
booboo & that jumpy chicken toy
jammy napping
jammy *sigh* getting in trouble again
jammy biting mommy
jammy & mommy

FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

not only am i out of my meds (cocks shotgun), but NOW i'm getting SICK!

this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.

oh...my...GAWD.

BLAH! &=(

posting pics

i just realized that i NEVER post any pics on here.

for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.

and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.

and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.

alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.

&=D

shipping sans sex

hmm...let me just elaborate on yesterday's post.

this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.

some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.

several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.

now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.

but i can't.

so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.

but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.

i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.

so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.

i was talking to a friend yesterday about this, and here's an excerpt from the letter i sent back to him (pardon the french):

all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
either way, you're right. i just have to say no and let the "friendships" suffer. i went through this several years ago - fucking my way to having friends. but i'm retarded, because i KNOW these people aren't REALLY my friends. i mean, i'm not going to kid anyone. i like sex just as much as the next person. but when i LET myself do it with the wrong person, that just makes for emotional trouble for me.

basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?

i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".

i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.

so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.

i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.

however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.

12.11.2006

mopo

Current mood: curious


yo, yo, yo - love blows.


relationships suck.


friendships are always tainted.


why can't people go about this without sex on the brain? without having some kind of "payoff"?

12.08.2006

militant hummingbird

ok, so i saw this really sweet video yesterday, where this chick was holding an injured hummingbird in her hand, helping him eat out of a flower.

which apparently led to the dream i had last night.

i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.

just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."

for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.

after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.

so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.

more laters...

12.05.2006

a chill day

i'm ok today.

we're not busy in surgery, and my hair is actually fixed. i'm still tired, and i have hella-things to do/plan/schedule. but i'm ok. still feeling a bit abused, but whatever.

whatever to that.

heather, God love her, went and paid my rent for me this morning. i ended up having to do so much running around, trying to withdraw money, that by the time i got to the western union desk, it was 2 min after 9. they close at 9. i wanted to rip that chick's hair from her scalp. so i dropped the money at heather's, and she did it for me this morning. i don't know what i would do without her to pick up all my straggly pieces.

i'm just coasting, for now. i'm waiting for life to spontaneously improve. sometimes i just get tired of trying so hard, so i'm going to just sit back and let things happen. you know, i'm kinda in that mood where i'm like, "f* my credit, f* the bills, f* rules, i'll just do things when i do them."

i work when i can work.
i pay bills when i have the money.
i do things when i feel like it.
i don't when i don't.

i'm just so tired of being stressed out about dumb things. but i can't really help it. it's one of the many psychotic things that make me me. i'm just moody right now. well, actually, i'm relatively calm, compared to the hellacious weekend i had. well, not even hellacious - just busy. see, i can't even find the words to fit my feelings right now. i've been having that problem a lot lately. i'm just kinda...lost in my mind, in my thoughts, in what to think and what i really feel. i'm just...drifting.

btw, it's really frigging cold outside today. this is one of the first times that i can honestly say i'm getting old, because my neck and knee are KILLING me. i wish i had someone warm to cuddle with. it's not that i couldn't find someone...it's just that i can't make myself. not right now. there's too much...too many head things. too many things and people screwing with my head. if i could grant myself one wish, it would be the complete inability to have sex - that way, i could find out who still loves me for me. i think i have a pretty good idea. although i thought i already did at one time. i always think i have a clear-cut idea of things, but i'm pretty much just fooling myself.

if you see me on the side of the road, don't stroke. i'm probably just trying to find myself. or i've run out of gas again.

12.03.2006

4x power-up

mood: full

ahhhhh....

i am sated.

happy? sorta.

content? very.

disappointed? somewhat.

still feeling...cheated, and hmmm...i imagine there's a word for how i feel, but i'm too clouded to find it right now. i'm close to...maybe cloud 7.5? not 9, because that's perfection. it would have been 8, but someone pulled that one out from under me, once i fell from 9. so i'm grasping onto 7, trying not to plummet.

it's funny the way life doesn't work out sometimes, eh?

that's ok. i'm just going to go to the store to get some things and pretend i'm not thinking about it, like i always do. i'm good at that.

damn, i'm high - and i'm not even toked. i could bottle this feeling and become a billionaire.

*sigh*

12.01.2006

my butt hurts

i feel like i'm having a really difficult time keeping my brain in my head. it keeps wanting to, i don't know, burst out of the front or something.

how can you do that? how can you WAIT 5 MONTHS to tell someone something like that? HOW? i'm a different person than her, but REALLY...how do you "build up" to dropping that kind of bomb on someone?

it's not for me to judge, i know - but i am, so suck it. i'm so...pissed...or something that i don't even know right now. i mean, i was the one who stopped everything, in order for us to make intelligible choices. you know, i didn't HAVE to do that, but it was like the ONE TIME in forever that i didn't make a decision based on what felt good at the moment. and now, it's like i'm being punished for doing the right thing! i mean, WHAT THE HELL???

&=(

i think that this is, like, a TOTAL sign from God, that i should:
a.) go ahead and join the peace corps, which was my original plan, or
b.) never leave the house again

unfortunately, i'm entirely too coked out on emotions right now to make a deliberate and well-thought out decision. i can think of, at the very LEAST, 27 insane things that i'd LIKE to do, and i'm not EVEN going to mention any of those.

you know, i get the fact that i'm well and still ok and still employed and still have my health and all my teeth and the people i love, etc, etc. but i just can't help from having that "cosmic anally screwed" feeling. i don't mean "cosmic" as in God. i just mean...well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they dropped pluto off the planetary list. somehow i'm responsible for that, and now i'm paying for it.

this is insane. i feel insane. my brain has just imploded.

my only concern right now is what brand of cigs i should start smoking. maybe i should just move directly to crack, cut out all that middle shit.

like heather said, i'm expecting for a cuckoo bird to pop out of the front of my skull any minute. at least i'll be able to always tell what time it is...probably.

gravitational field: on

wow.

my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. i keep expecting someone to jump out from behind a corner and yell, "surprise! you've been on tv for the last 7 years!"

i'm....speechless. i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm sad, i'm sick, i'm angry, i'm confused.

i met a guy...a nice guy. i mean, i've actually met a few nice guys. but this one...i don't know. i'm....i can't find words. he's....wait, i thought that i had kind of had some "feelings" for him. but he had this ex, looming in the past, waiting for the right opportunity. and boy, did she.

i had kept telling him that he needed to get his issues with her sorted out before we went down "that road". he kept saying, "you're right, you're right." so they talked last night.

she's 5 months pregnant................

11.30.2006

i am your placebo

this is my new "mood of the moment" song:

Placebo - Ask For Answers

Time to pass you to the test

Hanging on my lover's breath

Always coming second best

Pictures of my lover's chest

Get through this night

There are no second chances

This time I might

To ask the sea for answers

Always falling to the floor

Softer than it was before

Dog boy media whore

It's who the hell you take me for

This time I might

To ask the sea for answers

These bonds are shackle free

Wrapped in lust and lunacy

Tiny touch of jealousy

These bonds are shackle free

Get through this night

There are no second chances

This time I might

To ask the sea for answers

These bonds are shackle free

These bonds are shackle free

These bonds are shackle free

These bonds are shackle free

Get through this, there are no second chances

This time, To ask the sea for answers

me sowwy

wow.

my blog has gotten EXTREMELY boring, since i've had this particular bout with my depression.

i'm really sorry. just bear with me. i'll come back around.

losing self

i've gone from 151lbs to a big, whopping 148lbs. i never would have believed it, but i haven't been under 150 in something like forever. so the diet works. just not fast enough for me, and just not when "flo" is visiting. i'm still going to work on it. i still haven't used my pilates ring, but i'm going to start. and as soon as i can buy the meds for my knee again, maybe i can hop back on the treadmill. i really used to enjoy running, when i was in high school and junior college, but now, just walking up and down stairs is killer for my knee. damn bipartite patella thing.

anyway, what's going on? i'm just really tired. i haven't been going to bed at 9p like i'm supposed to. i've got a lot of stuff on my mind - some good, some bad. overall, it's been a tiring week. tgit, eh buddy? (thank god it's thursday)

plans this weekend...i think i'm supposed to be going to do something with landon (was that this weekend that we talked about?), and i'm pretty sure i'm going to be going out to see my family. amy's birthday was two days ago:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

so, hopefully we're going to get to hang out this weekend and have a tiny party. even though i have no money for presents. but that's normal. because i'm lame. i might see if i can swing by one of the shops in homewood, like savage's or something, and get her one of those awesome cakes they make. that stuff tastes like they stuffed a bunch of angels, some clouds, a sprinkle of Heaven and a dash of Jesus into a blender and then, baked it into a cake. but then again, i think i'd love cake if it was....well, without adding in some grotesque imagery, i'm pretty sure you get my drift.

it's boring at work today. i have one kyphoplasty at noon today, and i really like doing those, but then again, i'm a big, giant nerd-face, when it comes to the c-arm and surgery. you get to use two c-arms (i'm already getting chills, just thinking about it), and you have to come in at two different angles over the bed. then you keep one in the AP position and turn the other one to the lateral position, and you stay poised that way for the whole case. anyone who already does x-ray is probably like, "god, what a FREAK OF NATURE." well, you're right.

i was asked yesterday, by "someone," if i would like to come work in their office, when their practice gets started. they want me to take all the diagnostic films (which blows), but also come and do all their c-arm stuff in surgery (which rawks). i said, "as long as the money's right, and you take care of me, i'll do whatever you want me to do...within reason." much laughter ensued, along with some racy comments, but only one of us was kidding. i'm no longer sure which of us that was. and i don't want to mention names, to save face from embarrassment. needless to say, it's nice to know that someone recognizes my talents. well, dr gould does. i always make him tell me how much he loves me before i get started. it makes everyone else gag, but it makes me laugh. if he were any more good-looking than he already is *cough cough*, people would be accusing us of having an affair, since there's always got to be some gossip going around.

it's just that people down there always have to cop an attitude and tell each other "how it's gonna be." you know, i think the reason they like me is because i just go in there and work. i do whatever they ask me to do, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. they're like, "can you do...?," and i'm always like, "i'll attempt to do whatever you tell me to, and if i can't do it, i'll find a way." rarely does anyone ever acknowledge my efforts, but when they do, it's like being nominated for the nobel peace prize. i'm easily pleased. just a pat on the back makes me want to hump the wall. ok, not really. it just makes me smile. so, i go around patting everyone on the back - one day, i'm going to get slapped with a harrassment suit. that would be typical.

"but i was just trying to make him feel good!"
*gasps and general murmuring within the courtroom*
"no, that's not what i meant, you gutterbrains!"

*sigh* it's never been the same since they stopped hugging (and not molesting) kids in kindergarten.

11.28.2006

doctor crushes

just so you know, when you work in the medical field, you get new "doctor crushes" about once a month. it happens, even to the best of us.

i'm totally crushing on this doc. actually, he's a rez. and there's no chance in hell he would ever ask me out - i mean, besides the fact that he's a doc, and i'm not an icu nurse (me & hj already had this conversation), i'm a total 'tard and unable to function normally in public.

i'm sure i'm completely misconstruing his picking on me, but it totally seems like flirting. and it makes me turn 50-hundred shades of RED.

thank God we wear masks in surgery.

eh-day

i'm blogging, i'm blogging, i'm blogging, blogging, blogging.

i'm screwed up my diet today. i had to drink some coffee this morning, because i was falling to sleepy.

we've got several cases downstairs today, but no one's called yet. that always worries me.

plus, i sent x2 a very long letter, and i haven't had a response. that also worries me, although it shouldn't. i'm just...i don't know. i don't like for people to be miffed at me, for ANY reason. no, i don't dig on confrontation, but i like to get things out in the open. i'm all about telling someone i'm wrong...when i am. but since we all know that RARELY happens...

anyway, i'm reading my new favorite serial webcomic (can't remember if i mentioned this already), "questionable content". it's got lots of drama - plus the guy who draws it is really funny, and it's cool to see how dramatically his comic art has changed over the past few years. i adore his lil ipod robot, winslow - he's my favorite character. i don't know if i can post his picture here, so i won't, until i ask first.

ok, back to reading. i'm having a better day than yesterday, but i still feel kinda "eh"-ish. i didn't get great sleep last night, and i don't know why. ricky and i both woke up late this morning. he usually comes in and wakes me up closer to 6a, once he's already ready. but this morning, it was 630a before we left the house. we were severely late today. but you know what i have to say about that? eh.

11.27.2006

diet of stress

ok.

i'm better. still crampy, but better.

"better from what?," you may venture to ask.

it's a harrowing tale of love, hate, adventure, car chases, dead bodies, very few laughs, lots of screaming and a whole ocean of tears.

trust me - it's not your kind of flick.

although, i'm feeling better, after being justifiably angry. i got to talk to heather last night. thank God there's SOMEONE on my side. and i don't mean that kind of "just because she's my bff" on my side. i mean, the real, honest-to-goodness "what the hell are you crying for? you should be PISSED!" kind of on my side. you know me, i'm the first to admit when i'm wrong. but i'll be damned if....ok.

ok.

let's not get into this. not at work. i'm already hurting enough.

heather and i started the 4-day diet this morning. they should call it the "eat a giant head of lettuce and piss yourself dry" diet. because i ate a whole quarter head of lettuce for lunch and have already been to the bathroom 7 (about to be 8) times since i've been awake. i mean, you get to eat other things, but it's not like you have a lot of options. and they tell you WHEN to eat and drink, which is optimal for me. i'm already about ready to throw up...and it's going to be all watery lettuce. because it seems like that's all i've had - water and lettuce.

*sigh* the price we pay for beauty and health.

by the way, the word of the day is "equivocate":
To be deliberately ambiguous or unclear in order to mislead or to avoid committing oneself to anything definite.

which, unequivocally, is my life.

THERE'S A F&$^%^#('G REASON...

WHY EX'S AREN'T NORMALLY FRIENDS.

current mood: pissed off


those of you who CAN accomplish this - KUDOS TO YOU.


right now, i'd like to gouge my eyes out, and not JUST BECAUSE i've been bawling my face off for the past MF'N 4 HOURS and my head is F*$^^#*#%'G killing me, but because i think it would hurt a lot less than having to go through WEIRD SHIT like this.

you know, i've been through that time where you just jump into decisions and feelings all willy-nilly, so i guess i should just stfu. but right now, even though i'm dealing a lot with depression, i consider myself to be in a pretty decent place in my life.

and you know what? I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S F(*&#$(@'G HELP. i'm doing damn fine on my own. i don't need your f*'g HELP, i don't need your f*'g PERMISSION, i don't need your f*'g MONEY, i don't need to be your f*'g RESPONSIBILITY.

my mom died 7 YEARS AGO. i've been "ON MY OWN" for 7 YEARS. i'm taking care of me. i have people who love me and see to me and will put me in a home for crazy folks when i'm no longer able to function.

and i'll be DAMNED if i'm gonna let some ASS march all over the progress i've made over the past few months, with his blame and pointing fingers and making me think that it's all MY fault! ohhhhhhh no, my friend. i may be a complete drama queen, and i acknowledge the fact that i'm crazy, but i wasn't born yesterday.

you know, i HAVE perfectly solid friendships, and some of them have been through hell and high waters, and they've definitely stood the test of time, but i've NEVER....

***OMFG****


i am SO INCREDIBLY INDIGNANT right now, you have NOOOOOO IDEA.

and it TOTALLY is NOT helping that i am PMS'ING like a woman with 14 ovaries, i shit you not.

this is fucking ridiculous - i'm going to bed. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!

*stomps off*

11.25.2006

holi-day 3

i'm on my last day of working this week. which means i get to have one whole day off tomorrow! omg, i don't know what i'm going to DO with all that free time! WOO! *rolls eyes*

i just signed up for some scholarship information just now. it says there are like 108 scholarships that i'm eligible for. i'd really like to go back to school, but i really think that someone should just GIVE me the money to do it. i'm still hung up on getting my master's in biology and doing field work. i still think that would be the ultimate high. i went ahead and signed up for some other things, like computers, medicine...ahh, i can't remember what else i put. but at this point in my life, i think i could literally do just about anything i wanted. i'd LIKE to work smarter, not harder, but you know, i kinda think you have to start out smart in order to accomplish something like that. whereas for me, it would end up being something like marrying a hot surgeon! hahaha!! good one! i don't even shave my legs when i go on a date! (oh yeah, you know bohemian is totally hot!) &=P

it's been a little busy here, but they said it was bad yesterday - people coming in with tummy aches from eating too much and car accidents from shopping. i can't believe no one came in snatched bald or something. i did that "day after thanksgiving" shopping one time, and omg, i was appalled at not only the number of people, but the way they acted. i don't like how people act in shopping malls on REGULAR days!

heather said she went to a store last year, and when she got there, it was about an hour before, and there were like 3 other cars in the parking lot, so she went to get coffee. when she got back, there were 50 trillion cars in the lot and there was a line all the way down the side of the building. she was like, "wtf?," but she went ahead and got in line anyway. she said she was really far in the back, but she wasn't quite at the end, and she said by the time she made it into the store, she already heard glass breaking in the back of the store. she was like, "i had no idea after t'giving shopping was so...treacherous!" i told her, if you don't have a bat or some sort of weapon, you'd better be able to fight like a bear to keep your hands on what you've got. i've heard of people reaching over other people and just taking things out of their hands. then, one year, mom made me go to kmart with her and grammy, and after being there for about 30 min (at 5 in the morning, which is not my forte), i went home and went back to bed. mom came home and said that two ladies got in a FIST FIGHT at the jewelry counter over a tennis bracelet, and they had to call the cops. you know, i want an ipod, but i can't imagine blacking someone's eye for it.

anyway, that's why i hate christmas. the fact that it's become so commercialized, AND the fact that i never have any money to buy presents anymore. oh well, everyone knows i'm poor, and they still love me! they get my lovin' all year round - i mean, what else can you dare ask for??? &=D

ok, lemme go do this stat portable. i'm totally bored, so i need to find something to do. they're calling me "trouble-maker #2" now. we were talking about run-ins with surgeons, and now they think i'm a total badass, because i don't put up with any BS in surgery. you put me in charge of something, i'm gonna take care of it. and that's all i have to say about that.

kk, here me go! i hope this patient doesn't cough in my face. i've already been coughed on twice today. blech. &=P

*cough cough*
crap.

11.24.2006

no matter where your faith lies...

i know all people who read this are not christian. some are atheist. some are agnostic. some are catholic. some don't believe anything, and some don't know what to believe. i don't discuss my religion a lot, only briefly, when i'm inspired. i do believe, though, that God does a lot for me. without Him, His presence, influence, His hands staying mine, at times, and His introduction of certain people into my life are the things that keep me sane.

anyway, i was getting on the elevator the other day, and when i stepped on, i found this tiny, laminated card laying face up on the floor. on the reverse side, someone had written, "God loves you!" at first, i was like, "uh oh, someone lost this!" then, after reading it, i think it might have just been passed on. and i'd like to think it was meant to come to me. this is the prayer that was on it:

*************
St. Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedon to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
*************

i don't know where the prayer came from, because i haven't researched it at all. and, i know a lot of people think that having faith and believing in a Higher being or presence is a way to blame someone else for all our problems or cope with the fact that there might not be anything in the hereafter. well, you know what? God works for me, and i'm ok with that. i've never forced my beliefs on anyone, nor will i ever. i hate all that cliche stuff that people make into bumper stickers and church signs - "i'm not perfect, just forgiven". unfortunately, some of it is true.

i'm not perfect. i'll never be perfect. i curse, i sin, i speed, i break the law, i get angry, i fuss, i bitch, i whine, i'm lazy, i eat too much, i don't go to church on a regular basis. but i'm me. and i know God knows i'm me. He made me. He knew what i would be. He knows my destiny. He knows where i'm going. and He surely knows where i've been.

so, to whomever left that card on the elevator, i know you'll never read this, but thank you, regardless. i hope one day, i'll get to a point in my life where i can leave it for someone else to find, at a time when they need it.

and to those of you whose patience i test, thank you for never failing me. thank you for being my friend. thank you for listening. thank you for caring. thank you for hugs. and thank you for keeping your distance, when necessary.

to my peeps:
i pour out this sweet tea in your honor. &=)

lost post

ok, i just lost this great post i worked really hard on. and i could have SWORN i pushed the "save as draft" button, at least once. so, now, i'm mad. and i have to not post for a minute. because i'm incredibly angry. i'm not sure who to blame right now, so we'll just leave it open.

*pitches fit*

11.23.2006

real TG mayhem

w00t!

i thought i would use some l33tsp33k to express my pleasure in the last 1.5 hour. so, ER called, and i had a kid who jammed his finger playing basketball, and a lady who fell going up her stairs and managed to twist it underneath her body. the kid is fine, but i actually think the lady broke the metaphysis of her last toe = she brokeded the outside of her foot.

so, i got both my exams done and was walking back to "the hole," which is place where the front desk is, and when we work alone, we always sit up here to catch phone calls, put in orders & watch tv. as i came out of one of the rooms, the security guard walked out from around one of the corners, and i SWEAR i almost karate-chopped him to death. i jumped and said, "WAH! HA! HOLY CRAP!" and i think i scared him by my fierce kara-tay moves more than he ever thought about scaring me.

i'm totally fascinated by this cold case crap. that's probably what's got me so edgy. this is the kind of crap that makes me want to have cable. KA-bull. so, i'm sitting here, flipping between reading "questionable content" (my new fav serial webcomic) and watching "cold case". i couldn't be happier. ok, yes, i could, but beggars shan't be choosers.

rah, rah. i miss my girls. i almost brought jammy up and stuck her in here with me, but that would have been the one day joint commission stops by just for the hell of it.not only would chris kill me, but he would then fire my corpse. and that would suck.

i decided today, for some strange reason, that murderers, rapists, serial killers, child molesters, etc, all those people we keep spending all this money to keep in jail, put on parole, put back out on the streets to recommit crimes, unnecessarily rehabilitate, etc - i mean, SCREW animal testing. how many times have you ever heard a reformed serial killer went on to do great things? "john doe, a former rapist, got the strictest rape laws passed in the state." right. and i'm in a rock band. i just figure if you're retarded enough to DO something as trivial as that to a human life, you don't DESERVE to make decisions about your own life anymore. i'm not saying death penalty, dude. i'm just saying, animals aren't DOing anything wrong. it's people we're making meds for, it's people on whom we should be testing. that's why i always sign myself up for those vaccine studies at uab.

ahhhhh, if i were prez....

thanksgiving excitement

syke. there's nothing going on.

ok, so i'm here, at work. i'm watching cold case on a&e, and eating my t'giving dinner, which consists of dried peaches, walnuts (complete with new nutcracker), orange juice, sunflower seeds, popcorn, a warm delights hot fudge cake, and some heath bar ice cream, along with separate chocolate & caramel toppings.
i've only managed to crack into the walnuts & dried peaches, then spin around in the chair, before making myself sick.

i bet you'd never guess that there's nothing to do.

i can't even surf the net satisfyingly. i'm just flat-out bored. stella had a couple of patients, but i'm hoping she did everyone. because i don't really see my butt getting out of this chair. again. i had to take a dump earlier, but that's it. i'm not getting up again. until it's time for ice cream. well, it's ALWAYS time for ice cream.

*sigh* it's only 430p, and i bet my family's getting together, having fun, hugging, taking pictures, grazing (we graze when we eat), swapping the same stories we always end up telling every time we get together, and laughing. *sigh* i miss my family.

ok, i'm totally bored as all crap, so i'll probably just keep adding on to this post - there's not going to be anything exciting happening, unless a dragon lands on top of the hospital and sets fire to the building next door. THAT would be exciting. i might even get out of the chair to see that.

well, no - i'd probably just roll the chair out of the ER entrance to see if i could see it from there. but if i have to crane my neck too much, i guess i'd change my mind and scoot back inside.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.....

rah

Current mood: relieved


it's t'giving.


i have to go to the store. i don't wanna.


i have to work. i don't wanna.


i think i'm gonna go back to bed. i wanna.


i'll post more later. cause i wanna.


have a happy t'giving.


and if you break your leg, for god's sake, come see me. i'm gonna be boooooooored.


oh, and i exhibit the best patient care in the city...and take good xrays.


&=/ *sigh*

11.22.2006

seeds do too have fiber!

so, i coerced my boss into letting me off early today. that usually consists of repeating the carefully practiced phrase, "canigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigocanigo?" over and over again, until he eventually breaks down in tears. this leaves him with no choice, but to let me go. fortunately enough, this phrase can sometimes work in surgery, when i've been in cases for longer than 4 hours. thankfully, since i did almost ALL the patients we had today AND didn't take a lunch, my boss was kind enough to have mercy on my soul.

although, i really don't think he MEANT "happy thanksgiving" to come out the way it did, but nonetheless, i'm off early.

right now, i have to...go read a magazine, so i'll be right back. i've...been waiting for this issue to come out. &=) brb.

*phew*

oh yeah, no pouty mcemopants today! i've actually had a decent day, believe it or not. i am in a decent mood - can you believe it? and, no, i haven't started any new meds. i went and stayed with a friend last night, just for the night, but still, it was nice to get out of the house and away from...certain obligations. no, no, my girls are fine. i think it's just ricky who's stressing me out - for no real reason. i guess i've just grown into being a hermit better than i thought i could.

i wanted to run by this little indian grocery shop i always go to, to buy pumpkin seeds. they have a huge bag of salted and roasted pumpkin seeds for like $3, and i can (and do) gorge on those until i make myself sick. it usually makes my poop speckled like a chicken egg. youuuu probably didn't want to know that. so. they also sell saris there, and i really want to get one, but i'm pretty sure they don't make them in "separate zip code" size. i mean, i've never seen an indian with a fat butt. do they want to be called "indians"? "east indians"? "hindus"? no, that's a religion. well, the ones who do all of our outsourced tech support. you know what i'm talking about.

but lately, i've come to appreciate a new foodstuff - sunflower seeds. bird food! i've never voluntarily put a sunflower seed in my mouth, but erica left them in my trunk from when i picked her up at soccer camp, so i pulled them out, and they sat in my cabinet for months. eventually, i ran COMPLETELY out of food, and resorted to eating spices and playing "open the can with no label and get a surprise!" but i ran across those seed things, and i was like, "oh gross, i guess i should throw them out,"... so i ate them instead! and omg, they were wonderful! the whole chore of dissolving off the salt before you crack open the seed to get the prize satiates this strange craving of working for my food.

anyway, i like sunflower seeds. i had a bag from when i went to the store the other day and was eating them in the car, on the way home from work just now. but i'm incredibly aware of people seeing me throw things out of my car window. i mean, i don't want to have a "vegan" sticker on my car, then act like i'm condoning littering. so, i had to make two tiny stacks of seed hulls (husks? covers? ends? butts?) on either of my legs. there were two piles, because the pile on my left leg got too big and kept falling into the seat. i dumped them into the parking lot when i got home, but i just can't throw them out the window, and people not know what i'm throwing out. i don't even throw gum out the window. and i totally HATE when people throw their cigarettes out - i mean, HELLO??!?! it's a piece of GARBAGE! bah.

"litter bugs me," as spongebob says.

i should use this time wisely, and do something wise and timely. but i'm pretty sure my bed is kinda mad at me, since i didn't sleep in it last night. and i can't stand it when i think inanimate objects are angry with me. makes for bad chi.
i'll probably post again later. i have to work tomorrow afternoon, so i'm not going to be going anywhere far. hopefully, i can come up with some witty banter...forrrr myself. because i'll be by myself. all...freaking...day. and unless someone has a careless and disgusting turkey-carving accident, i'm probably going to be without stuff to do. not that that's bad. but it's just boring. although i could give them the whole "you know, tofu doesn't require a carving knife...." speech. but i won't. i'll just don the gloves and say, "ew, is that part you or cranberry sauce?"

keep in mind, while you're ripping the meat from your turkey leg, for all you have to be thankful. and don't ever pass up an opportunity to tell your friends & family you love them! i love you all, and have a wonderful thanksgiving!!! &=)

11.20.2006

blow post

brrrr.....it's gettin' cold here. me and heather talked about getting new jackets the other day. since my finances are getting a little better, i'll be able to afford something soon. basically, all i've been doing lately is taping together a bunch of old newspapers and tying it together with dental floss. then, people are like, "why don't you have a coat?," and i say, "what? but this is my GOOD coat!...hey, stop reading my jacket!"

anyway, i just thought i'd post...again. since nothing has changed. and i was supposed to get a money order this afternoon to pay the water bill, but i was too "depressed" (lazy) to go anywhere after i got home. speaking of which, i actually got to work over some today, which was actually ok. ricky ended up having to take the bus home, but he's getting a car soon, anyway, so...but sheryl came tearing down there, once she realized i was going to be getting some phat OT this week. she can't STAND for anyone to get more money than her - what a freak.

anyway, i'm gonna go get pissed at ricky for playing the stereo too loud, then i'm going to lay down and watch spongebob until i pass out. i actually managed to stay awake ALL day today. which would explain why i feel like punching someone in the face.

i don't need no stinking $150 meds! &=P

love to ya'lls. i'll be spending t'giving at the hopsical this year, so prepare yourself for the super-boringest post ever. might not want to read on a full tum-tum of turducken & tryptophan. i don't know what the HELLznick i was thinking, signing up for all this crap. i'm working thursday night, friday night AND saturday night. god, i'm completely out of my mind. i think i'm going to make my mom's punkin pie and bring that and a giant tub of whipped cream up to work and eat until i barf. actually, heather said she's bringing me dinner, because she's mad they made me work on my favorite holiday.

me too, but that's another story...

my life along with some randomness

ho-kay.

i actually had a good weekend. surprise that. now, if i could get out of this "sleepy/depression funk" that i'm in, you know, life might not suck as bad as i always bitch it does.

"wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, whine, moan, mope, fume, blah, blah, meh."


...is what i SHOULD have named my blog. yes, for those of you who don't really KNOW-know me, i'm actually ok. but lately, it's only been on certain days. well, no, lately, it's only been somewhere during a month that ends in "z" or "q", but whatever.


what you should know is...I'M TRYING.

so i went to see my shrink, and he upped my meds & gave me a couple of other things to try. so i take the scrip to the farm (prescription to the pharmacy) to get liz to price it for me. get this: $152 for a 30-day supply.

....................................................

i meekly spoke up and said, "um, is that with insurance?" she said it was, that "for those kinds of meds" (the crazy kind, i'm only assuming), insurance only pays half. i'm 'posta be taking this stuff every day...so i can feel better...but apparently, your insurance company could totally GIVE a flying fuck how you feel. so, that really bums me out. because there really IS no way around this. unless i become homeless or collect disability, and even then, it's not guaranteed.

so now what? i dunno. i am literally at a loss of what to do now. the meds that are supposed to be helping me are too expensive for me to afford. and that, my friends, is the definition of gay. gay is not taking it up the poopshoot (my apologies). gay is health insurance. health insurance is THE most retarded, shitty, communist, unreliable, undependable....THING in the free fucking world. and car insurance. car insurance is also a gay thing. insurance, period. i have had NOTHING but shit luck with insurance. yeah, insuring me that i'm going to have a nervous-fucking breakdown. or insuring me that they're going to take ALL my money from my paycheck.

i'm moving to a place where there's no government. i'll probably have to become a cannibal, because i'm pretty sure there's no law and order and they eat people, wherever that is. but dammit, it will be worth it. anyway, i said "CANNIBAL", not, um, "ANIMIBAL". so i STILL won't have to eat animals. as long as they have a decent dental plan and don't give me lexapro when it's really rat turds. cause, i can tell the difference...well, NOW i can.

so, what else? oh ok, so doc says i have "severe recurrent depression," and that it just keeps coming back and hitting me full force (and at some times, harder). as for why i keep building up immunities to these meds, i dunno. i stopped asking questions after a while, because as with my depression, i just stopped caring after about 10 min. still lost on the fatigue, although he said, obviously, that's a huge part of depression. i mean, for real, it's not about, "oh why don't you go out and do stuff?" ok, so i DID this weekend? ok? and i yawned and was exhausted all weekend long, ok? so get off my ass about going to do shit. it's NOT that i'm lazy. it's because i'm mentally fucked up, and i can't make my body WANT TO. plus, you know what? you can only make your body do SO MUCH, before it gives the fuck out. i'm sick of people thinking that it's because i'm a fat lazy ass. and by "people," i probably mean me. because i've been 150lbs for the past like 7 years, and YES, i need to lose weight. but at least i can still SEE my feet...when i bend over. and ANYWAY, people who've never been depressed need to shut the hell up. they don't know what the fuck they're talking about anyway. there's no way you can explain "depression" to a completely sane and happy person. it's like trying to explain physics to paris hilton. you might as well be talking to a stump. which would test higher. and throw the curve.

ok, ok, i'm finished bitching, but probably not. probably.

woah, another yawn - damn lazy ass.

have to call the sleep clinic today to get set up for that test. we'll see how that goes. i'm sure i'll wake up, hanging from the ceiling, tangled up in all those monitors. i'm a violent sleeper. and big. i sleep big. i eat the bed with my body. i have a king-size and STILL have at least two body parts hanging off in the morning and a pissed-off cat.

um, what else? oh, i got to hang out with heather on friday. that was nice. we went shopping (i yawned the whole time, sorry hj), then ate sushi (mmmmmm....), and went to see borat, which wasn't as funny as i had hoped. it was still good, though. then we came home and sat in the car for an hour or so and talked, because we can NEVER talk enough. and we watched a police officer go inside one of the apartments and imagined if he came running out, calling for backup. we speculated we'd go in there like gangbusters, like charlie's angels, but in the end, i think we just settled on backing the car directly out of the complex at about 900mph.

which reminds me:
there was this one time (i hope i haven't already told this story, but if i have, shut up and listen), when i was over at heather's babysitting. when they get home, she always walks me out, and it varies, whether we go through the garage or the front door. this time, we went out the garage, for whatever reason, i don't remember. so, we're talking (at the same time, i'm sure - just like normal), AND walking towards the garage door, to head outside. when we got to the door, i stopped in my tracks and was totally silent. she said, "omg, what is it?," and i held my hand up for her to be quiet. i listened intently, and i SWEAR i heard this, like, scurrying or something, running away from (or toward) her brick wall. mind you, the brick wall is higher than your head, so whatever (or whoever) it was would have totally jumped on our heads, had we made it outside. when i heard that, i turned around and screamed at her, "RUN!!!!!" and she grabs my hand and we HAUL ASS back inside. the whole time, she's yelling, "WHAT IS IT?!?! WHAT IS IT??!?!" it's like midnight or 3 or something, when people are asleep. so we RUUUUN back inside, and i SLAM the door and lock it! because if it's an animal, they don't know how to unlock doors! omg, quick thinking!
so, we get inside and get our breath(eses) back, and she says, "what the hell was that???" i said, "i don't know - all i heard was scratching and then running away! or towards! i'm not sure! i stopped paying attention when i got scared!" she said the neighbor's cat sometime comes over and perches on the wall, and that's probably who it was. either way, i think we ended up out the front door that night, and surprisingly, i don't think we woke anyone up.
then, one time we saw this fox running across her yard. well, we thought it was some mutant cat or rat, cause it was HUGE, but then she pointed out the tail. so at first we're all, "OMG! AAAAHHHHH!!!," and then we're all, "awwwww!!!!" <3

we have lots of "adventures," and i can only remember them at unspecified times. like at the library - then i laugh out loud, and i get the "SHHHHH!!!!!" i always do that. i remembered, at the grocery store, in the peanut aisle, that time we almost hit that doc in the crosswalk that time, and burst out laughing. the lady shopping for fritos was like, "ooookaaaay..." i need a sign that says "mentally unstable/fragile/carries concealed weapon".

btw, the night we ate sushi, i ordered, like, two things of vegan sushi and heather picks out this cute lil tray of sushi-ish things to try. so, they bring mine out - oh, how cute - two tiny trays of elegant sushi. and they bring hers out - we had to move everything to my side of the table for them to put her tray down. she was like, "well, good, just pull me up another table." i told her that they make it look tiny on the menu because in japan they have to make tiny things because japan's a small country, so they have to make things really small. plus, japanese people are tiny, so maybe in their eyes, it looks "to scale". anyway, it was the biggest tray of food i've ever seen...in a while. and she kept trying to pawn all her stuff on me - you know, so it would look like I ordered it - you know, the gross one. "hey, you gonna eat that?" no, just kidding. it was really funny, though, when they brought that ginormous tray of food. she said, "uh....," and i just covered my mouth, because i didn't have anything viable to add. speaking of gross, i was the one at the table who was drinking the ginger dressing, so i really don't have any room to talk. "miss, can you top this off?" i'm pretty sure bathing in ginger dressing would cure my depression. i doubt my insurance covers it, though. asses.

ok, i'm posta have a busy day today, but it's not looking like that. dammit, and now i want sushi. cripes. oh, i think i have some raisinets in my locker. well, that's not sushi...in any way. but it will stop my craving for raisinets. which i don't have at all.

oh, we had an extra pay period in november (thank God), so i was able to pay a lot more on my bills. that's really good. i'm getting caught up. no, no, just on the NORMAL ones. the ones like phone, cellphone, gas, electric, water, etc. no, i haven't even TOUCHED the other ones, like the medical bills. nah, those are gonna be posted on my credit until i die. i'm gonna have bad credit till i die. or until i marry a doctor. or a polymer scientist. haha, just kidding. not really, but whatever makes me seem the least desperate, because i don't need anymore problems right now.

ok, i have to go. because this entry is rambly. and it's weird. but i'm feeling better. i think it's because i'm resigning myself to the fact that i'll have to make do with the meds that i'm on, because i'm never going to be any better off. i would say i just need to come off everything altogether, but we did that one time already, and i almost ended up in the hospital with a noose around my neck. so, i dunno. i dunno anythin'.

ho-kay, luv you, buh-bye. &=)

11.18.2006

au-22 al-15

bwahahahaha!!! guess bama shoulda been scared of the thumb!

auburn just RULED alabama in the game, and i love it. i'm at peace with my inner auburn fan, though. that's why i don't do all that shit-talking that everyone does all season long. i never even tell anyone i'm an auburn fan, because i hate hearing all that jeering. it's like ASKING for a punch in the face.

so, ONCE AGAIN, alabama sucked ass this year. i really thought auburn would lose this year, since they've been doing so bad...BUT THEY DIDN'T! hahahahahaha!!!!

now, if only birmingham would bring back hockey (the blood sport), my life would be complete...

this was my personal rant on sports. you'll probably never hear it again - be thankful.

11.17.2006

unfinished post

WAHHHHHH!!!

omg, it's been busy today! other than my 15 min at lunch, this has been the first time i've sat down, since 7:15a. it is now 3:05p. my feraking legs are killing me. i actually spelled "freaking" wrong, but i thought i'd leave it like that, just because it sounds good. "feraking".

ok, so i was supposed to update this morning, but i don't KNOW what i was thinking, being that it's friday, and my fridays are always hell. monfared had 17 cases, michael had 5, siegel had 2 (plus one add-on), & sherrill had 1. well, there were actually a whole lot more than that, but those were just the ones that had c-arm schedulled, which is role that i play. out of those 25, i did about 110 of them. no, for real, i think i did about...um, all but 3 of them. and it's STILL going on!

but i'm not on call, and i'm not staying. i always feel BAD though, when they ask me to stay, when i'm not on call. but about 65% of the time, i make plans when i'm not taking call, and you can guaran-damn-tee that they're going to need me to stay, on the ONE DAY i have plans. i just think that's so "occam's razor". wait - no, no - i mean, "murphy's law". well, it's always something that's probably going to get me in trouble, somewhere down the line. i'm that butterfly that flapped it's wings in tanzania, causing the hurricane in maui. i still think i'm to blame for tsunami in indonesia. somehow. hmmmm....

alrightly then, i'm going to go back out here, to make sure they don't need anything for the next 30 min. like that "alrightly"? i should just start leaving my mistakes in here, so you can see how bad of a typer i really am. my mom used to do it to - jesus, she'd hit the backspace key like fifty-hundred thousand times in like a minute. and it would be like a damn machine gun!

11.16.2006

these are OR scrubs. OH, ARE they???

sup sup.

just got home from work - guess where i'm going? to take a nap, suckers. i'll update about doc's visit when i wakey.

i'll just leave you with this:
"severe recurring depression"........yay.

welcome, foreigners!

welcome!
bienvenido!
huan ying!
mire se vini!
bienvenue!
willkommen!
e komo mai!
swaa-gat hai!
benvenuto!
yookoso!
selamat datang!
hush kelibsiz!
bem vinda!
cead mile failte!

ok, i just got that new "site meter" thingie (top left of the page), and this thing is TOTALLY cool. at the same time that i was realizing what a nifty piece of techno-goop that thing is, i realized ALSO that people in england & canada are reading what happens to my butt.

wow.

sometimes you forget that the internet traverses the world. well, i do anyway. why someone in canada would stumble across my lame-ass site is BEYOND me, but it's probably because they typed the word "pig-tail" into google, and guess where it sends them. yep - me.

anyway, thank you to everyone who stops by, stumbles in, visits, or is somehow shoved onto this space by trying to get away from porn ads. either way, i'm glad you're here. &=)

so, tonight was...great. i had a great night. for once. and i feel...great. and now i'm ravished, because i guess i forgot to eat. and that sucks. i don't know what else to say, except that i feel......relaxed - once again, WITHOUT the aid of drugs or alcohol. i mean, i could use a tall glass of sangria, but just to complete the evening.

let's see - what happened today? *thinks, but not too hard* NOTHING!
bwahahahaha!!!!

omg, i'm friggin about to friggin fall asleep on the friggin keyboard. i gotta make it to the bed somehow. i...am...exhausted......zzzzzzzzzzz

one last thing:

!!!!!!!VIVA LA MEXICO!!!!!!! &=D

11.15.2006

ever wondered...

something from my nightmares:

11.14.2006

mrsa post update

heather told me to stop saying i have AIDS.

so i don't have AIDS.

just something moderately similar...to herpes...or a disease...that will kill me...by a papercut.

no, really. we're still learning about this, but i have to go back to see my gp and get him to do some cultures and the like. damn. that means my exhaustion might NOT be a side-effect of this crap. which means i'm STILL fat and lazy. crap. crap and shoot. this is sucking. she talked to lee (her husband, "the smiley-faced doctor") last night, and so we're kinda trying to put all the pieces together. we all have some differing views & some similar views.

for one, i still think this happening about the time of my surgery is ENTIRELY too coincidental, even for me. i mean, i don't think anyone spit in my wound (no visuals, please) or used dirty tools, but it's just...strange.

second, heather said she noticed me never really coming back up the hill once i went down, after i got the cyst. it was like, i went really far downhill (health & mood-wise), but i've never fully recovered. after that, was really when this ignominious and unrelenting fatigue set in.

third, i DO have all these weird infected lesions popping up all over my body suddenly. i found another one last night, right before i called heather on the phone. it's on...(you ready for this?)...my butt. it's on my left buttcheek, right in the middle. but apparently it's been there, because it looks old and scarred. i just can't see that far down MY ASS. see? i told you check your butts. no one believes me.

anyway, i'm STILL waiting to hear from the doc's office, and i'm STILL going through with the sleep study, and i'm STILL going to talk to my psych, just to see if all this is intertwined. i mean, i can't imagine BEING DEPRESSED for as horrible as i've felt for this long!

no, seriously, i don't know how people have cancer for months and years and suffer. i don't know it. i mean, i guess i would do it, if that's what God put on me. but i guess what i'm saying is that it would just suck. i hate when people say at other peoples' funerals, "she never asked why. she never questioned why she was sick. she never asked God why her."

cripes, i get a speeding ticket, and i'm on the side of the road, laying face down, pitching a hissy fit in front of the police officer.

no one will ever say that about me at MY funeral. they'll be like, "this chick had some hellaluck, and she deserved every tiny bit of it." i mean, you think about it, there's SO MANY other people out there who could TOTALLY use the retributions of your bad karma. but, um, i'm pretty sure that's why God is God and not me. &=) you know, i've asked to be president before, but never God. i'd be smiting the hell out of some people, just for cutting me off in traffic. oh, and that ass who cut in line in front us at the gas station one time - ooooooo, that STILL burns me up. &>=(

anyway, i'm just rambling. i'm totally friggin bored at work, but i'm feeling a little better. not quite so emo. i'm about to have to walk down to surgery. *sigh* christ, i'm bored. bored, bored, bored. bored as shit.

lemme see, any new news to report? naaaah, not really. my heart is pounding out of my chest, but it's cause i feel so tired. what else is going on? nothing.

-jammy pie won't use the tiny litter box i got for her. she wants to go in the big box like booboo. they fight a lot, but i think they're gonna be ok, eventually.
-i gotta call my grandmother today, before she sends out the rescue squad. she's gonna kill me, if i don't call her soon.
-plus, i have to go see my family. i miss them, but i really don't feel like dragging this crappy, crabby mood with me. i WAS looking forward to thanksgiving, but i have to work it this year. this f*g job blows when it comes to holidays, and i've already spouted off about that before, so forgive me.
-me & heather get to hang out friday night. i think we're going to go to the hockey game, so landon, get me tickets - i swear i'm not going to be sick this weekend.
-ummm, still working on paying bills...
-now, i'm making things up. how about,...crap. i can't even think of anything good. ummm...i...can....read........something.

omg, for the first time ever, i've run out of stuff to say! well, i could prattle on about already overindulged subjects, but i'm not. oh, my knee still hurts. and one time, i drop-kicked my chinchilla across the room, because i thought he was a rat, and then i felt HORRIBLE.
*drops to knees*
"WHY, GOD???? WHY ME??!?!??"

ok, this is lame. stop reading. i'm boring my own self to sleep. ok, i'm gonna go bum around in OR and find someone to piss off. or hug. whatever.

vortexual

see? it DOES happen. this is me & heather, btw.
















heather's wearing the green shirt. and neither of us have hair. that's ok. i can't draw at all. i'm lucky i can breathe and walk at the same time.

bruised, but still here

i don't know how other people are, but for me it's so easy to get hurt. i hold things too closely, and i take too much on, too fast. it makes for my own drama, but no one can say i never had the ability to love.

my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.

does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.

i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...
i'm...

so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?

what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.

my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.

it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.

i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.

they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.

don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.

it's me, not you.

it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.

but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".

worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.



just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.

11.13.2006

your motivation is MRSA, aaand action!

ok, new developments in the "jen butt saga":

i don't know that i ever said, but my culture for my abscess turned out to be MRSA. for those of you who DON'T know, that's really, really bad. in the healthcare industry, we treat it about like HIV. so, with that in mind, me = AIDS. let's move on.

in the past 3 days, i had a pimple pop up on the front of my right hip. at first, it started out like an ingrown hair. so i dug and dug and pushed and probed and ALMOST lanced it myself (because i'm all about doing pretend surgeries on people, even me), but then i remembered about my MRSA. i was like, "well, crap. maybe i better let someone look at it first." for once in my life, this ridiculous thing called a conscience actually kicked in when it was supposed to, and it WON! anyway, couple of days went by, and it's gotten bigger, redder, hotter, and looks pus-filled. it's gooooooood.

so, this morning, i stopped by the ER while we weren't busy during work. i told them of my previous encounter with MRSA, and only because i hear people saying it in surgery all the time. otherwise, i might not have been smart enough to mention it on my own. i'm so stupid. the things that i think should be linked, never are. and the things that are, i'm like, "no way! that's not even close to being in the same universe!"

i get triaged, show everyone my near-pubic area (it's always something below the waist - are we seeing a pattern yet?), and go sit on my lil stretcher. mind you, for the past few weeks, i have felt like COMPLETE and total crap, to the nth degree, with whatever formidable cliche you can think to add onto that. i really feel awful. can't think straight. can't stay awake. can't do anything right. anyway, you get what i'm saying.

so, doc robertson comes in, and i show him and as he's stepping forward, i say, "and i had a pilonidal abscess that tested positive for MRSA about a month ago," and he actually steps back and puts his hands in the air. i guess the gun i was carrying was unnecessary - sorry, bad mood, bad joke. he says, "woah, i have it, too, so i'm not even going to touch you." i swear, there are times that i feel like my face is like japanime. i was like "&=O, you have it??? " he said he has the same types of lesions develop on him, blah, blah, blah, so now i'm a "carrier of MRSA". so, i'm all freaked out now, he prescribes me doxycycline & sulfa, and i go call the employee health nurse. be it that i work in surgery, she has to document it (like my folder's not big enough), and now i can't TOUCH anybody.

i'm completely freaked out at this point. i mean, who the hell HAVE i infected?? is this like an STD? but i talked to heather, and she was like, "you know, you really haven't been the same since the 'cyst incident'. if this is systemic, maybe this is why you've been feeling so rough." makes sense, right? well, that's why she's my best friend and britney spears isn't.

so, i'm kinda in a fog right now. i'm really nervous about this MRSA thing. because i thought i knew a lot about it, but that's actually equivalent to nothing. at all. because i know it can be passed by blood, but once it crosses the barrier into your lungs, it becomes airborne, and i can cause an epidemic. i mean, if i WANTED to. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that responsibility yet. i'm just thinking it's crossed into my brain, and that's why i'm so RETARDED. but studies say no - MRSA does NOT cause retardation.

so, what does all this mean? well for starters, i have to stop giving under-the-table blood transfusions. i mean, i have NO idea how i'm going to make ends meet now. and secondly, i'm incredibly more susceptible to infections. as in, the thing on my hip wouldn't be a percentage of what it is, if i didn't have MRSA. but this thing is so big and red and hurting, it's actually hurting in my abdomen and leg, and no, i'm not exaggerating. so MRSA is basically the "drama queen" of infections.

oh, goodie.

you know, i can't ever stumble across a million dollars in an unmarked bag in the parking lot of a food world. no. i have to acquire strange diseases. i told heather, i'm just WAITING for one of us to get something that we actually have named after us. "jimmersitis" "polyharpery"

*sigh* it's times like this that i'm pretty sure God is playing a joke on me. i know that's not true, but i'm having that despondent "why me" feeling. blah.

oh, and i'll update more later, but at dr han's, they're scheduling me for a sleep study, and i have to go back and see my psych. all of this is just in case, because we can't seem to find anything else...except the bright red, gaping wound on my hip. which i conveniently forgot to tell him about. see, i'm so out of it, i can't even go to the doctor right. i get to the window to give them my insurance information, and i'm all, "i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."

one day.
one day, i'll get it together.
not today, though.
and not anytime soon.

pardon my english, but this shit is kicking my ass. i just got out of the shower, and i feel like i've run a marathon. but you know what else? i just woke up from a nap, and i'm about to have to take another one. you know, because i don't want to be tired...FOR SLEEP.

*siiiiiiiiiigh*

rewind / erase

my life is constantly flashing 12:00.


i'm one of those people who REEEEEEALLY needs a rewind button. or redo. do-over. insert tab here. don't be a jackass.


me = stupid, friggin idiot who can destroy any good thing just by OPENING HER MOUTH. and then flies come out. isn't that what people do in hell? they open their mouths and flies come out? well, i'm pretty sure i'm an idiot, so don't ask me where i was going with that.
hey, look! a good thing!


*CRUSH, SMASH, CRUNCH, PUSH, WHAM, OBLITERATE*


there, fixed that! no more good things for the jimmy. jesus, it's like my brain is still on training wheels! please don't ask me what i mean! BECAUSE I'M STUPID! AND I CAN FUCK ANYTHING UP!!!!!!!!! &=(


just stay away - as far away as you can. that's what i have to say to people who have not already entered the vortex once. it's like a friggin tornado-ish black hole with a side of hurricane mixed in with some typhoon. i mean, COME ON!!!!!!!! WHO'S WRITING THIS ANYWAY????


*sigh*


i'm going to bed...again. AND i'm watching spongebob. because i can't deal with real life. it's too much. and i'm too weak.

11.12.2006

&=) v. &=/

i'm having 5 good minutes. okaaaaay, GO!

so, i can't really talk a lot about what's going on, cause it's kinda private, but just in my head - don't worry, i'm not sharing with anyone right now. i'm just scared to get hurt. again. right now. but i - ok, i'm just in a good mood. what happened? nothing! nothing happened. i'm just feeling better, right this second. sometimes i think i'm bipolar, cept'n my highs aren't that high. like now, i'm just in a good mood, and i feel a little floaty. and NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN SMOKING OR DRINKING, so thank you very much.

ummm, i'm 'bout to go, inna minute. but i just wanted to say that i went to the doc (finally), and he's setting me up for a sleep study, cause he thinks i MIGHT have sleep apnea. i told him i have really, really bad headaches, and i can sleep a whole, whole lot, but when i wake up, it's like i haven't slept at all. and i said, "sleep apnea's for fatties," and he said, "ahhh, common misconception." otherwise, blood work's fine, and i'm just trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, eg. the depression or the fatigue. so we'll see.

and sorry to the fatties. i didn't mean to say fatty (un-pc), but you get what i'm saying. and i love fatties anyway. and i am one, so stfu.

woah, i'm stellar all of a sudden. and i'm scared to be. i'm afraid to be in a good mood. GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

maybe...but i dunno. no. be quiet. don't say things. i didn't. say anything. das a good movie. oh, and i took ricky to see fearless, the jet li movie, and it was really good. i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. oh, and me and heather are having date night next friday, so i'm glad of that. god, why is my depression so long-standing? i wish i could feel this way ALL the time. i'm going to end up turning to drugs one day - i can forsee it! &=( crap. i'm tired of crap. and sometimes i think i'm ready to settle down, BUT NO! so be quiet. i didn't say anything! &=( i think the biggest hard part is over. and i'm scared. because it might be over, but it might not.

all this = i'm tired of being disappointed, and sometimes i think if it happens one more time, i'm gonna snap. just *SNAP*.

ok, there it is. the call is in. i hafta go. &=) wish me luck!

postscript:

see? i'm THE biggest buzzkill, just in case anyone was wondering. i shot that mother-fucker down like a sharpshooter on crack. damn, i'm good. and it took me...a week and a half? god, i'm a friggin' idiot.

that's all - i'm just an idiot. and i don't know why they let people like me out in public.
christ, this sucks. i'm going to bed. like forever. JESUS, i hate being a chick. and i hate thinking too much! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...........................

&=P

11.09.2006

lying is as addictive as smoking

i was just talking to my friend ron - he's concerned that the chick he likes is sneaking around with his best friend. we talked a bit about why people lie, and what makes them do what they do. that always sets me in reverse motion, and i start (again) thinking about my past. i realized that the reason i can't lie anymore is because i can't hurt anyone anymore. telling lies, no matter for how long and for what reason, is SOOOO much easier than telling the truth. because the truth incriminates YOU. with lies, you incriminate everyone else. with lies, you don't have to own up to what mistakes you've made. with lies, you get to continue to have your cake and eat it, too. with the truth, you're found out, you're the bad person, and you have to admit that what you're doing is wrong. and who likes to admit they're wrong?

"i didn't want to hurt you." yeah, well, fuck you. if you didn't want to hurt me, why'd you do it? der. not everyone is in their right mind at all times, granted. i can speak from both ends of the spectrum. i've been the cheater and the cheatee. but you know, the only person i can really speak for is myself. we can assume anything about the other person's motives, but we'll never really know. there are some people who will never really know for themselves, because they're too afraid to admit it. we always try to find that "good enough" reason to lightly paper over the lie, and if we say it enough, we'll eventually start to believe it, too. it works - i know.

for me, the lies eat me from the inside out. i'm pretty paranoid that everyone is staring at me, because "they know". their gazes linger a little too long. they're whispering...about me. my walk gives it away, my labored breathing, my staunched personality, everything. so, i gave it up. i gave up lying, like some people give up smoking. now, i do it every once in a while, just to see if i can, but the smell is so foul, i have to put it out. and smell of past lies linger in my clothes and on my skin, even today. there are some lies i'm pretty sure i'll never be able to wash off.

people, although living the same types of lives, day in and day out, CONTINUE to make the same mistakes, again and again - with people as individuals, we are ALWAYS doomed to repeat history. we always think "we're" the ones who know better. that's why teens are so retarded. that's why i was retarded. that's why erica's retarded. that's why shelby will be retarded. that's why goose & braxton will be retarded. because we know. we've had the experiences, albeit different - WE KNOW. and if people would just learn to "TALK" and other people would learn to "LISTEN & NOT JUDGE," life might be just a tiny bit more dealable.

as for life, there's this certain "formula" that we think we have to follow. i mean, i guess it makes sense, but just because some sicko who thinks he's in charge of the universe (um, not God) decided that the way life works is this: be born, grow up, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids, grow old, die - you know, we don't necessarily have to follow that exact strategy. just because it worked for 3, 18 or 700 guys, doesn't mean it's going to work that way for everyone. i still feel like the "biggest loser on the beach" because i'm divorced before i know how to properly balance a checkbook.

i mean, i swear, beyond aaron, i was pretty sure there was no life. but there is. following some years. i don't know where he is anymore, what he's doing. i wish i did. i wish we were friends. i wish i could be his friend. i wish i had my "family" back. i wish i could be a friend to anyone. right now, i'm living in my own "what about bob?" scenario. people drag this dead body around, and other people think i'm just "eerily quiet".

speaking of fam, i'm a total psycho for mine. they're awesome. i think i have the most wonderful, unique family in the world. i'm absolutely 100% sure about that. be it that i've lost a good part of my family (some to natural causes, some to divorce, some against my will...some that were never mine by blood in the first place), the ones i have left are like gold. hell, you guys know how i am about money - i'd throw infinite money off into the grand canyon for my family.

******

just shot a chest x-ray, and our ultrasound tech, alyssa, had to shoot while i held the lady's arms up. the lady was coming out of the bldg that she works in, and the security guard hit her. alyssa said, "was he drunk?," and the lady said, "no, his windows were fogged." so he's just driving around the parking lot, where people are, scoring hits left and right. THE SECURITY GUARD. geez, i feel totally safe, now. *duck & roll*
and i got the woman's arms up and yelled at alyssa, "ok, go ahead!," when i looked around and she's standing in the room. she said, "go ahead with what?" THEN, i decided to realize that she's never shot an xray in her life - she went to ultrasound school (she's not from here - here, we have to go through x-ray school, then pick a specialization like us). i was like, "oh crap, sorry - go back there - see the button on the side? push it and hold it down until i say stop!" so that was funny. well, funny if you're a tech. so everyone just disregard that.depressed people have a hard time saying funny things. or something.

cripes, this "friday" thursday has been like 7 wednesdays on a sunday today. i'll update on my doc visit - we usually fight when i go, because i'm like, "NO! you're not telling me i'm crazy because you're afraid i really am!" well, i make him laugh, so that's always cool. he thinks i'm funny...looking. i guess i need to make a list of all my concerns. that always elicits a tiny little sigh from the end of the doc, and i think it's funny. every time i would go see my old internist, she'd walk in and say, "ok, where's your list?" she was friggin awesome.

ok, i'm going now, because rambling is about to commence. i'm linking this to my new gmail acct, so i can have rambling ones of these that you guys don't have to read. i mean, one time, i wrote an entire post using only the word "fuck". i'm PURTY sure you don't want to read that one.

...love ya'lls...