i actually had a good weekend. surprise that. now, if i could get out of this "sleepy/depression funk" that i'm in, you know, life might not suck as bad as i always bitch it does.
"wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, whine, moan, mope, fume, blah, blah, meh."
...is what i SHOULD have named my blog. yes, for those of you who don't really KNOW-know me, i'm actually ok. but lately, it's only been on certain days. well, no, lately, it's only been somewhere during a month that ends in "z" or "q", but whatever.
what you should know is...I'M TRYING.
so i went to see my shrink, and he upped my meds & gave me a couple of other things to try. so i take the scrip to the farm (prescription to the pharmacy) to get liz to price it for me. get this: $152 for a 30-day supply.
i meekly spoke up and said, "um, is that with insurance?" she said it was, that "for those kinds of meds" (the crazy kind, i'm only assuming), insurance only pays half. i'm 'posta be taking this stuff every day...so i can feel better...but apparently, your insurance company could totally GIVE a flying fuck how you feel. so, that really bums me out. because there really IS no way around this. unless i become homeless or collect disability, and even then, it's not guaranteed.
so now what? i dunno. i am literally at a loss of what to do now. the meds that are supposed to be helping me are too expensive for me to afford. and that, my friends, is the definition of gay. gay is not taking it up the poopshoot (my apologies). gay is health insurance. health insurance is THE most retarded, shitty, communist, unreliable, undependable....THING in the free fucking world. and car insurance. car insurance is also a gay thing. insurance, period. i have had NOTHING but shit luck with insurance. yeah, insuring me that i'm going to have a nervous-fucking breakdown. or insuring me that they're going to take ALL my money from my paycheck.
i'm moving to a place where there's no government. i'll probably have to become a cannibal, because i'm pretty sure there's no law and order and they eat people, wherever that is. but dammit, it will be worth it. anyway, i said "CANNIBAL", not, um, "ANIMIBAL". so i STILL won't have to eat animals. as long as they have a decent dental plan and don't give me lexapro when it's really rat turds. cause, i can tell the difference...well, NOW i can.
so, what else? oh ok, so doc says i have "severe recurrent depression," and that it just keeps coming back and hitting me full force (and at some times, harder). as for why i keep building up immunities to these meds, i dunno. i stopped asking questions after a while, because as with my depression, i just stopped caring after about 10 min. still lost on the fatigue, although he said, obviously, that's a huge part of depression. i mean, for real, it's not about, "oh why don't you go out and do stuff?" ok, so i DID this weekend? ok? and i yawned and was exhausted all weekend long, ok? so get off my ass about going to do shit. it's NOT that i'm lazy. it's because i'm mentally fucked up, and i can't make my body WANT TO. plus, you know what? you can only make your body do SO MUCH, before it gives the fuck out. i'm sick of people thinking that it's because i'm a fat lazy ass. and by "people," i probably mean me. because i've been 150lbs for the past like 7 years, and YES, i need to lose weight. but at least i can still SEE my feet...when i bend over. and ANYWAY, people who've never been depressed need to shut the hell up. they don't know what the fuck they're talking about anyway. there's no way you can explain "depression" to a completely sane and happy person. it's like trying to explain physics to paris hilton. you might as well be talking to a stump. which would test higher. and throw the curve.
ok, ok, i'm finished bitching, but probably not. probably.
woah, another yawn - damn lazy ass.
have to call the sleep clinic today to get set up for that test. we'll see how that goes. i'm sure i'll wake up, hanging from the ceiling, tangled up in all those monitors. i'm a violent sleeper. and big. i sleep big. i eat the bed with my body. i have a king-size and STILL have at least two body parts hanging off in the morning and a pissed-off cat.
um, what else? oh, i got to hang out with heather on friday. that was nice. we went shopping (i yawned the whole time, sorry hj), then ate sushi (mmmmmm....), and went to see borat, which wasn't as funny as i had hoped. it was still good, though. then we came home and sat in the car for an hour or so and talked, because we can NEVER talk enough. and we watched a police officer go inside one of the apartments and imagined if he came running out, calling for backup. we speculated we'd go in there like gangbusters, like charlie's angels, but in the end, i think we just settled on backing the car directly out of the complex at about 900mph.
which reminds me:
there was this one time (i hope i haven't already told this story, but if i have, shut up and listen), when i was over at heather's babysitting. when they get home, she always walks me out, and it varies, whether we go through the garage or the front door. this time, we went out the garage, for whatever reason, i don't remember. so, we're talking (at the same time, i'm sure - just like normal), AND walking towards the garage door, to head outside. when we got to the door, i stopped in my tracks and was totally silent. she said, "omg, what is it?," and i held my hand up for her to be quiet. i listened intently, and i SWEAR i heard this, like, scurrying or something, running away from (or toward) her brick wall. mind you, the brick wall is higher than your head, so whatever (or whoever) it was would have totally jumped on our heads, had we made it outside. when i heard that, i turned around and screamed at her, "RUN!!!!!" and she grabs my hand and we HAUL ASS back inside. the whole time, she's yelling, "WHAT IS IT?!?! WHAT IS IT??!?!" it's like midnight or 3 or something, when people are asleep. so we RUUUUN back inside, and i SLAM the door and lock it! because if it's an animal, they don't know how to unlock doors! omg, quick thinking!
so, we get inside and get our breath(eses) back, and she says, "what the hell was that???" i said, "i don't know - all i heard was scratching and then running away! or towards! i'm not sure! i stopped paying attention when i got scared!" she said the neighbor's cat sometime comes over and perches on the wall, and that's probably who it was. either way, i think we ended up out the front door that night, and surprisingly, i don't think we woke anyone up.
then, one time we saw this fox running across her yard. well, we thought it was some mutant cat or rat, cause it was HUGE, but then she pointed out the tail. so at first we're all, "OMG! AAAAHHHHH!!!," and then we're all, "awwwww!!!!" <3
we have lots of "adventures," and i can only remember them at unspecified times. like at the library - then i laugh out loud, and i get the "SHHHHH!!!!!" i always do that. i remembered, at the grocery store, in the peanut aisle, that time we almost hit that doc in the crosswalk that time, and burst out laughing. the lady shopping for fritos was like, "ooookaaaay..." i need a sign that says "mentally unstable/fragile/carries concealed weapon".
btw, the night we ate sushi, i ordered, like, two things of vegan sushi and heather picks out this cute lil tray of sushi-ish things to try. so, they bring mine out - oh, how cute - two tiny trays of elegant sushi. and they bring hers out - we had to move everything to my side of the table for them to put her tray down. she was like, "well, good, just pull me up another table." i told her that they make it look tiny on the menu because in japan they have to make tiny things because japan's a small country, so they have to make things really small. plus, japanese people are tiny, so maybe in their eyes, it looks "to scale". anyway, it was the biggest tray of food i've ever seen...in a while. and she kept trying to pawn all her stuff on me - you know, so it would look like I ordered it - you know, the gross one. "hey, you gonna eat that?" no, just kidding. it was really funny, though, when they brought that ginormous tray of food. she said, "uh....," and i just covered my mouth, because i didn't have anything viable to add. speaking of gross, i was the one at the table who was drinking the ginger dressing, so i really don't have any room to talk. "miss, can you top this off?" i'm pretty sure bathing in ginger dressing would cure my depression. i doubt my insurance covers it, though. asses.
ok, i'm posta have a busy day today, but it's not looking like that. dammit, and now i want sushi. cripes. oh, i think i have some raisinets in my locker. well, that's not sushi...in any way. but it will stop my craving for raisinets. which i don't have at all.
oh, we had an extra pay period in november (thank God), so i was able to pay a lot more on my bills. that's really good. i'm getting caught up. no, no, just on the NORMAL ones. the ones like phone, cellphone, gas, electric, water, etc. no, i haven't even TOUCHED the other ones, like the medical bills. nah, those are gonna be posted on my credit until i die. i'm gonna have bad credit till i die. or until i marry a doctor. or a polymer scientist. haha, just kidding. not really, but whatever makes me seem the least desperate, because i don't need anymore problems right now.
ok, i have to go. because this entry is rambly. and it's weird. but i'm feeling better. i think it's because i'm resigning myself to the fact that i'll have to make do with the meds that i'm on, because i'm never going to be any better off. i would say i just need to come off everything altogether, but we did that one time already, and i almost ended up in the hospital with a noose around my neck. so, i dunno. i dunno anythin'.
ho-kay, luv you, buh-bye. &=)